Are People Rejecting You Because Your About Me Summary Is a Bore?

Name: Jeffonlinedating1
Comment: I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle here. Recently I came across an absolutely amazing young women through online dating. After 24 hours of signing on and walking away I finally made contact. In my message I was very polite, making sure to point out a few (of MANY) interests we shared and ended with simple sign off, nothing too direct or imposing. After signing on today I noticed she had read my message with zero response =/

I’m clearly lacking the skills to “sell” myself the way I would in a social setting which has always been very well received.

so, here’s my question…Is there any way for me to follow up my initial message with out seeming…well, pathetic. She really is amazing and it’s ruining my day knowing that if we met anywhere else outside of online dating I would have charmed, at the least a phone number.

well, thanks for hearing me out and appreciate any input you may shed on this dilemma.

all the best,
Age: 32
City: New York
State: NY


Here’s the thing. It’s really not up to us to tell someone why we would make such a great match. This is one of the common mistakes people make when their crafting those introductory messages. You should always allow the recipient of that message judge for themselves if they think you and they might have things in common. Those messages really need to be brief and succinct. Too much info and you end up coming across intense or too invested.

The selling of one’s self should be left to the profile itself. Let your About Me Summary and answers to the various questions serve as your resume and bio. For those of you who struggle with putting together an engaging About Me Summary, consider doing this exercise before putting together your write up or if you’re considering editing the write up that you have. This is something my writing coach taught me that I found exceptionally helpful as I fleshed out the character list, back story and synopsis of something I am writing.

That introductory paragraph or paragraphs are like a short story and you’re The Narrator. Before you try to string together 300 cohesive words that make you sound fun and witty and awesome, try this. Compile a list of qualities, attributes, interests and values. It can be as many as you like. Then, underneath each item on the list, write out specific examples of said attribute. The point of doing this is to help you get a better grasp on your Narrator character.You can’t write about yourself until you understand who you are or what makes you, you.  Now you can write about yourself without having to use the same boring descriptors that everybody else uses.

Keep in mind that any story needs to have a beginning, middle, and an end. So, start your story by introducing yourself. That’s your beginning.  Then go into what makes you someone that the reader would like to meet. That’s your middle. Finally, close with what you’re looking for in a potential match. That’s your end. Take items from your list and work them into each section.

Now, as to your actual question, OP. Can you follow up with this woman? Sure. Wait a few weeks, change your primary photo or switch it out with another picture from your profile and then reach out to her. Do not mention that you tried to connect with her previously. Keep your message brief.

Hey there….

I liked your profile.

Sentence that mentions something about her profile so you can prove that you read it. (Not. A. Question! Do not ask a question!)

Take  a look at my profile and shoot me a message back if you think you might want to chat and possibly meet up some time.



No questions. No comedy. No extensive bio or retread of your profile. Simple and short. The End. She still might not respond, but at least you can let her go knowing the rejection was final and not due to a scheduling conflict, illness, busy schedule, dead dog, poor signal or broken heart.

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40 Responses to “Are People Rejecting You Because Your About Me Summary Is a Bore?”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “She really is amazing….”

    Seriously? No, she’s just a bunch of pretty pictures and nice words on the Internet. Something is definitely wrong with someone who gets this quickly emotionally invested in another person. At best, I think this guy needs some perspective.

    That said, I agree with Moxie’s advice. My personal strategy is to say even less than Moxie suggests in her sample email. I just say “Hey, how are you? I like your profile.” I don’t believe you can make someone like you, if they’re not already interested. I don’t see the point of playing Mad Libs to prove that I read something in their profile because I don’t think that should be particularly impressive to a reasonable, sensible person. Frankly, I don’t want someone who needs much more than a “hello” to respond and get a conversation started.

  2. babytalk Says:

    One thing to the OP: sometimes men wrote nice messages to me and I went to look at their profiles and there was nothing. No information. Or vague information.

    So before you think of writing some clever message make sure your profile is specific. To me, the more specific the better (where you grew up, what you do, background, what your interests are, what you are looking for). Women use that information to screen out men. At least I do. That is the advantage of online dating for women: you can be really specific about what you like without having to deal with male aggressive behavior that is more common in bars and public places.

    Most women have a very specific idea of what types of guys they like, so again, help her out by being specific.

    With the volume of messages women get the last thing you want is to make a woman ask questions about you….so don’t be vague, cliché (“work hard play hard” or “I can’t believe I am on this website”). Just be straight to the point. You have to remember popular women get a lot of messages and if you are not very clear, you might be passed for someone else.

    • Eliza Says:

      I agree with babytalk–nothing kills chances like “cliches”, or a yawn inducing “hello”…or “how are you”? BORING!!!! Don’t need a poem, or page-length bio either, or some lame cut and paste job. But yes, if genuinely interested, it helps if one reads the profile, and actually does comments on something that stands out, and is able to construct 1 or 2 witty opening lines. :)

  3. Tinker Says:

    Moxie- why no questions?

    • BostonRobin Says:

      I’d like to know Moxie’s reason for that too!

      My reason for not asking questions is so I don’t get a response just because someone is being polite. Also, when someone writes to me asking a question, it often has an “off” feel about it. I mean, aren’t you supposed to just find out these things you want to know in the dating process? Once I started getting these messages and realizing how much I didn’t like them, I stopped sending them too.

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        My reason for not asking questions is so I don’t get a response just because someone is being polite.

        That’s my reason. I’ve mentioned that quite a few times here. People will respond to be polite and then fade after a couple of messages because the person they responded to took their response as interest.

        • Tinker Says:

          Got it, thanks!

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          Women fade all the time. It’s part of the game. The abysmal response rate to first emails is a much bigger problem than corresponding with people who eventually fade.

          I suppose it’s about the individual, but I’d wager most guys don’t find conversations that don’t end up in a date as frustrating as sending out a bunch of mails and getting no responses.

          • Lisa Says:

            Sometimes, I wonder if men even read our profiles. Bc I get lots of responses from men who are clearly not what I’m looking for. If I say I am looking for a certain ethnicity or religion or height or fitness level or geographic region or educational level or whatever, and the guy doesn’t meet those criteria, he’s setting himself up for a no-reply or a thanks-but-no-thanks.

            Other women have said the same thing; it’s very frustrating to be flooded w/ msgs from men who are exactly what we don’t want.

            So I’m wondering, truthfully, how carefully is the info in our profles being read? And how many intro messages are being sent out based primarily on how we look and how we meet what you want vs how we both meet what the other wants?

            I know some women write epic-length novels in their profiles. But mine is short and to the point.

            Just read and you will save a lot of time on msgs that go nowhere.

          • Goldie Says:

            I made an effort specifically to make my profile funny, entertaining to read, and not overly long. In return, I expect people to actually read it, at least halfway down.

            Sometimes though, people will read a profile, see things in it that are the opposite of what they believe, or see a super low match %, and message the woman anyway. I’ve replied to a couple and their reasoning is “you cannot go by what the computer says, we should meet in person and see if there’s chemistry”. I don’t get this hope for chemistry in spite of the facts staring you in the face. If you go to church every Sunday and I left it five years ago, isn’t the writing kind of on the wall? If you live 120 miles from me, isn’t it kind of a deal breaker? (This one actually wrote to me “I drive this distance every day for work, it can be done with the right person, you just haven’t tried.”)

          • Nicole Says:

            “And how many intro messages are being sent out based primarily on how we look and how we meet what you want vs how we both meet what the other wants?”

            Lisa, I think the vast majority of men send messages to women who meet what they want. And why shouldn’t they? Isn’t that what dating is about – approaching people you’re interested in to find out if they’re interested in you? It’s really not the guy’s job to decide whether you like him or not. That’s your part.

            I’m sure there are lots of men who carefully read profiles and only message women who they genuinely think they are right for. But lots just apply the “throw a bunch of sh*t at the wall and see what sticks” strategy.

            I agree that it’s disingenuous for these guys to complain about low response rates. But I think a lot of them accept the low response rate as part of the game and figure they’ve got nothing to lose by messaging every semi-attractive woman online.

            What I don’t understand is why women get annoyed at these messages. As long as you’re getting messages from the guys you DO want, who cares what else is cluttering up your mailbox? It takes maybe 10 seconds to click a profile, see that the guy is too young/old/far away/whatever, and delete the message. Nine out of ten messages I got on OKC were from people I wasn’t interested in – but there were some great guys in the remaining ten percent, and that’s all that mattered to me.

          • HammersAndNails Says:

            So you are annoyed by having to hit the delete button for guys you know are interested, yet expect all those guys to be clever, witty, and thoughtful For women who are probably not interested. Suuuure.

          • Goldie Says:

            I for one am not annoyed, I’m puzzled. And sometimes saddened for those guys, because they seem nice and actually send nice messages, not the copy/paste ones. But there’s really nothing I can do for them, because I am not the woman they’re looking for. I email back and say sorry, I don’t think it’ll work, and they write back to convince me otherwise. I gave one the benefit of the doubt a few months ago and went out with him and it was a snoozefest. I was going to an indie/folk concert and offered that he join me. It is so hard to make a concert date boring, but he managed. At least we didn’t waste our time completely, because the show was good.

            See, HammersAndNails, it’s not about getting replies and increasing your reply ratio, as much as it is about finding a person you enjoy spending time with, and they with you. Yes these guys probably think they’re interested. But in reality, they’re not. The guy I had my concert date with, had nothing to talk with me about, other than ask me what kinds of vodka I prefer and why. (Beats me, haven’t touched the stuff in ten years.) None of the other conversation topics both he and I tried would stick. Not because he’s a bad person, or I’m a bad person, but because we have nothing in common, which was what I’d been trying to tell him to start with. He wanted to meet in person anyway to see if there was chemistry. What a surprise, there was none.

  4. jaclyn Says:

    One of the most substantial downsides of online dating is that not all people with online profiles are really available. Some people haven’t gotten over a previous relationship or emotional baggage and aren’t ready to meet anyone. Since it doesn’t cost anything to set up an online profile, sometimes people who aren’t ready to date set up profiles so they will feel better about themselves when they receive emails from interested potential daters. And there are also some lonely people out there who don’t have much contact with people in real life who create fake profiles just hoping to find online pen pals.

    There are also people dating online who have very specific criteria that you might not fit. Many years ago, I had only one online picture for my profile, and it was a black and white photo. I once had a first date in which the guy’s first question was if I used to dye my hair. I hadn’t and told him that. He asked me if my hair was blonde in the online picture (which it wasn’t, but it is sometimes hard to tell from a black and white photo). Unsurprisingly, that date didn’t go anywhere. If I’d had a color photo online, he never would have contacted me. You might be thinking that this doesn’t apply to you since you read the “what I’m looking for section” of the woman you wrote. But sometimes women who only date men of certain races, religions, levels of education or professions leave their “I’m looking for” section more open so they don’t look too picky and scare away the men they are actually interested in dating. If a guy writes to them who doesn’t meet their criteria, they simply don’t write back, and he never knows why. And that isn’t your fault – it just means that you can’t get hung up on any one profile. You need to write to a lot of women and focus on the ones who are interested in you.

    • Nicole Says:

      “One of the most substantial downsides of online dating is that not all people with online profiles are really available. ”

      Very true. And I would add, not everyone who is available is in a proactive, meet-new-people mode on any given day. So much of online dating is timing and luck – especially since there is an expectation that folks will message back right away if they’re interested.

      Maybe this girl just had an awesome first date with someone and is waiting to see how things go before she starts chatting with anyone new. Maybe she’s messaging back and forth with five guys already and overwhelmed. I’ve been in both situations and ignored messages I would have replied to under different circumstances.

      I’m with Moxie, go ahead and message her again in a few weeks. You really have nothing to lose. And keep looking in the meantime, she’s not the only amazing girl out there.

  5. C Says:

    “She really is amazing and it’s ruining my day knowing that if we met anywhere else outside of online dating I would have charmed, at the least a phone number.”

    I’ll go a different direction. The most common reason I rejected a profile is because I didnt like the picture. Its not a criticism of your looks. You might be gorgeous but she likes a different ethnicity or maybe you just look like that kid that beat her up in the 3rd grade. Who knows?!

    “Now, as to your actual question, OP. Can you follow up with this woman? Sure. Wait a few weeks, change your primary photo or switch it out with another picture from your profile and then reach out to her. Do not mention that you tried to connect with her previously. Keep your message brief.”

    Yes, this! I’ve had numerous guys ping me, forget our previous conversation and ping me again “as if for the first time” a couple of months later. Its not uncommon at all.

    Hopefully, her perspective/outlook/expectations change by then.

    And I agree with the folks who said you cant put this (or any) woman on a pedestal especially one you really know nothing about. This is so wrong and so bad on so many different levels, I dont even know where to begin! Hell, I could put together a profile that presents me as Fabio and Mother Teressa’s love child. It dont make it so.

  6. Ben Iyyar Says:

    I believe that most of us have an exaggerated positive view of ourselves and because we do, we expect the same from others, that is, when they describe themselves we automatically diminish them by whatever factor is comfortable for us. So whenever I describe myself I try to keep it brief, realistic, reasonable, and I hope believable. I try my best to keep to the same rules in play when I describe my expectations as well.

  7. Noquay Says:

    Moxie is right; one cannot tell another why you’re such a greatmatch. You do not know this person, what they do or do not want. Something in writing about your personal values, lifestyle would be really great. Apart from what we want looks/health wise, generally determined from your photos, a big turnoff is clashing values/lifestyle. If your values are right out there, the person who is interested is interested in you for who you are. Sure, you may be rejected too, but it’s better to have that happen right away than months down the road.

  8. Howard Says:

    Online is probably the worst place to push too hard. It’s just the way it is. Accept it. If you push too hard you have to go up against the fear people have of stalkers and questionable people on cyberspace.

    There is an element of luck and rolling the dice, as men contact women. I know it’s maddening as we like to think, we can always determine our fate. However, throw another human being into the equation, and we become heavily dependent on that person going along with our plans. If that person doesn’t, we have to respect that. After all, we demand the same privilege, when we don’t want to do, what others ask of us.

  9. AC Says:

    Everything said so far is real insightful. A few points to sum up
    or add to these:

    1) Send 5-10 emails this week.
    2) either use Moxie’s template or something like this:

    Hi, I liked your profile, it looks like we have a lot in common
    especially x, which I like as well. Would you like to get a drink

    Asking questions, my response rate was maybe 1-25.
    Using the above. 1 in 7 to 10. Note that it says “it looks
    like” we have a lot in common vs. “I know.”

    3) follow up in a month with that girl but forget her for now.
    Case in point, a girl I emailed in January who I never
    heard from winked at and emailed me today. It’s never
    worth sweating online rejection because their could be
    one hundred reasons for it.

    • Lisa Says:

      I really hate a generic “template.”
      It would take maybe two more minutes to construct a short message that specifically relates to the person’s profile. I know I appreciate that extra effort!

      • Goldie Says:

        Well, AC says that he customizes his generic template for each person he sends it to. I have no problem with that. It’s the “I like your profile, you and I have a lot in common, want to meet?” that has all the warmth and personality of a spam email. If the message refers to something on my profile, I’m fine with that.

        • Kira Says:

          Agreed! I can’t tell you how many messages I’ve received that say almost exactly that – “You have an amazing profile, I think we have a lot in common, write me back if you agree.”

          Anyone I’ve wanted to respond to has had something in their messages indicating they actually read my profile. I’m way more interested in a thoughtful message that makes me feel like I’m being specifically chosen rather than being Random Email #3 for the day (even if that’s the case).

          • HammersAndNails Says:

            Kira and Lisa, it’s your prerogative, but consider that requiring that men treat you as a special snowflake before you have given them the slightest bit of encouragement is you self selecting for things you are probably not actually going to like when you meet them.

            If you ladies are meeting a lot of overly nice or boring guys, you may want to rethink your stance on ultra customized first message. At least 70% of a guy’s first emails end up in the garbage. Given that, what kind of guy is going to continue crafting special little clever messages? Not the kind of guy with options, ie the ones you actually want.

            Would it really kill you to say “I liked your profile too. How’s it going?” and judge a mans thoughtfulness by his response when he has some indication that the effort is not very likely to be a complete waste?

          • Nicole Says:

            I guess I’m in the minority but I really preferred the short, generic initial messages to the long and specific ones. There’s something a little creepy about a guy who seems invested based on just a woman’s profile.

            Also, like Moxie suggests, the first message matters way less if you have a great profile. If your pics and write up are intriguing, all the woman really needs or wants is a signal that you’re interested.

          • Steve Says:

            In reply to Nicole, I would think a short specific reply would be better than a short generic reply. I will look for a couple of commonalities and/or try to post something witty about something in her profile, in just a few sentences. Agree that much more than that is too long.

          • Goldie Says:

            I’m with Steve, I prefer the short specific message. A 100% generic first message tells me that the guy did not read my profile. Then why is he emailing me? Two possible reasons: he liked the pictures and doesn’t care about me as a person, as long as I’m more or less doable; or he is sending a copy/paste email to a hundred women at random, in the hopes that 10% respond. Neither option sounds like someone I want as a potential partner. Quite frankly, neither option sounds like a guy I want to waste an evening of my life on a first date with. Especially if, right next to a copy/paste message, there’s a short and specific one in my inbox, guess which one I’m going to respond to.

            Back in 2011, at the very end of my profile, I had something like “my guilty pleasure is:”, followed by links to the sites of two totally obscure, Russian alt-rock bands from the 80s, that I had grown to like when I was in college. I don’t even know why I put that in there. No one who wrote to me made any comment on that part of my profile, except for one guy. He clicked on the links, read up on the bands, asked me a specific question about them (“have you been to their apartment concerts?”) and shared a similar experience (he’d once brought a band to his little town and rented a patio for it, thereby creating a semi-apartment concert). I’m not saying that every guy should do this. I’m just saying that this was the guy I ended up getting off the site with. A little attention to what we have on our profile pays off. Showing us we’re more than just our looks to you, that you respect us as a human being too, pays off. If that’s something you guys don’t want to do, all the better for Steve. Go Steve :)

          • Kira Says:

            HammersAndNails – I’m not considering myself a special snowflake, nor do I require an ultra customized message from each online suitor. But when I get a message that just says, “Wow, your profile is amazing, I think we’d get along well!” and nothing more, and it’s in my inbox alongside messages where the men DO reference something (anything) in my profile, guess which ones I’ll respond to? ‘Cuz I’m so busy, you know, I don’t have time to sift through the riff-raff.

            The hyper-generic dating website email is the equivalent of a player texting every girl in his contacts list after bar close – “What’s up, sexy?” – just waiting to see what sticks.

            If a guy has SO many fabulous options that he simply can’t squeeze another 60 seconds out of his romance-packed day to write one or two meager sentences to indicate he’s read my profile, he’s probably not the guy for me. I mean, I’m like the dating last-resort, myself (nearing 40, small children at home) so the men with beaucoup options clearly don’t want me, anyway. I guess I’ll stick with the similarly “no-options” men who can muster the energy to do more than copy/paste/send/repeat.

            (I’m talking seriously little effort here – say something about one of the photos, mention a hobby/interest we have in common, poke fun at something I wrote, etc. One line is usually enough for a brief intro message. It takes more time for people to respond to this blog.)

        • C Says:

          I dont know if I would suggest a meeting in the opening email. Seems a little foreward. You may wait until you get a positive reply from the girl before suggesting to meet. This is analogous to a guy who walks up to a girl in a bar and says “can i buy you a drink?’ versus a guy who compliments a girl at a bar, has a brief friendly exchange with her, then offers to buy her a drink. Neither approach is all that bad, but the later comes across as less “aggressive”.

          • AC Says:

            Forward or not, I’m simply crunching the numbers. That said I like Moxie’s template because it gives the chat or meet option. The bottom line is questions are often useless.

      • AC Says:

        “It would take maybe two more minutes to construct a short message that specifically relates to the person’s profile. I know I appreciate that extra effort!”

        I feel ya but the reality is that until we meet, you’re simply a set of cute pictures and words on a page.

        • Lisa Says:

          True. But how hard is is to type, “Great pic on the beach. I am so overdue for a vacation.” Or “how old are your kids? Mine are 10 and 12.”

          It takes almost the same amount of time to type that as to cut ‘n paste the “template.” It makes the recipient feel a little special. And it’s a conversation starter.

          I’m not talking about anything that is a major investment of time.

          But to each his/her own. Just my POV.

          • ATWYSingle Says:

            I’m not talking about anything that is a major investment of time.

            You mean like taking a quick glance at the profile photos of the men who take the time to call you? You just said yesterday that you’re just so swamped with responses from gentleman callers that you don’t even remember their profile photos. Yet you want men to take the extra time to craft some unique message and ask you phony questions while you sit an fan yourself and sip your lemonade.

            Everything you say makes my head explode.

          • Steve Says:

            I don’t understand some of the negative reactions to this. I agree it takes so little time to say something like, “cool, I play tennis too”, or “I see you are training for a triathlon, me too, when is your next race”? As opposed to “Hi, I like your profile. We have a lot in common, email me if you agree.” But if that’s what most of the competition does, great, all the better for me.

  10. Lisa Says:

    She might not have found you attractive. Or, as other have said, you might not have met some criteria that she uses to screen. It happens!

    But I disagree w/ Moxie’s advice about waiting a few weeks and switching your pics around (unless you are dissatisfied w/ your current pic lineup). That seems a tad manipulative and creepy to me. Just take a humorous approach and send one more message.

    She might find your persistence charming! The worst that can happen is she blocks you…but that’s unlikely if your follow up is lighthearted and funny.

  11. Lisa Says:

    To ATWYSingle – OK. Then stop reading my posts.
    This weird hostility you keep directing at me isn’t contributing anything useful to the conversation.

  12. Jess Says:

    Totally agree with Moxie here. There could be 1,000 reasons why she didn’t respond; maybe she was busy when she read your message and plans to get back to you later. It happens.

    And you really don’t know if she’s an amazing person. She just has an amazing profile/photo combination. Personally, I’d move on and work on finding someone else you might be interested in. If you want to reach out again in a few weeks following Moxie’s advice, go for it, but don’t be so invested and make that your last communication.

    I once had a guy message me five times with no response (because I wasn’t interested). His sixth message was more personalized, but berated me for not replying as he thought I should. Needless to say that got his blocked. So tread carefully on the multiple-message route. :)

    • AC Says:

      “And you really don’t know if she’s an amazing person. She just has an amazing profile/photo combination.”

      exactly- falling in love with an online profile= rookie mistake

  13. Mark Says:

    I’ll take a crack at this by answering the narrow call of the question(s) and the broad call.

    The narrow answer:

    Absolutely go for the follow up. The advice about waiting a bit and how to do it given by Moxie and others is probably a good way. I would probably emphasize the primary photo (make sure it’s %#$& good) and a short (4-5 line message) that keeps things focused while showing you read her profile. People have increasingly short attention spans and most use mobile devices. Tailor stuff with that in mind. Hey, it might just do the trick and you never know unless you try.

    The broad answer:

    An amazing woman? If so, then it’s very likely that a whole lot of other guys are probably thinking the same thing as you. Especially in a certain demographic. A good guess is that she got your message, did a quick look at your profile and decided to take a pass. If true, then you might change the profile around a bit, but she will more than likely take a pass on the second go round because what you had didn’t impress her for whatever reason or something that you didn’t put down was lacking.

    Don’t try to get too invested in any profile at this point. A profile is not a person. It ain’t no person unless you meet them for yourself (and they meet you) because proof is almost always in the pudding.

    It’s a numbers game and like most people will have to do a lot of cold calling percentage wise and a lot of winnowing. Keep in the back of your mind; just as you are making judgements about profiles, they are doing the same with you. Just because you may find someone amazing is no guarantee that they think or feel the same about you.

    Best of luck.

  14. Garoldo Says:

    From a guys perspective it’s very confusing and frustrating to log in and see certain women have “visited” your profile, sometimes on several occasions, sometimes even “liking” your profile only to completely ignore you when you send them a polite message. Even weirder when in the days/weeks after the message they come back and give you a few more visits. Makes no sense whatsoever if you are actually up for dating. If however you are using the site to convince yourself you are a worthwhile and wonderful lady because guys are messaging you then I guess it makes sense,just know you come across as exactly the kind of flake most guys can’t be bothered with.

    And the 1001 rules and regulations for what you should and shouldn’t say in an intro msg to women, come on! I’d like to think for the most part women are real human beings who aren’t so far up their own end they can’t handle being asked “how are you doing”. Gimme (and every other guy just having a go) a break!

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