What To Do When They’re Still Involved With Their Ex

Name: Stonequestions-ask-job-search

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Comment: After almost 4 years in a relationship I had to call it quits. After the obvious signs of not being on the same page, I got the cherry on top to enjoy.

My ex-bf decides to have his ex wife move into his house while she buys and moves into a house. Long story short, she got the house, she does not like it, she is selling and will look for another one. A weeks events is turning into a year.

And all of the sudden I was to fulfill their happiness. While I want to understand his need to provide a helping hand; the timing, the place and the people are not conducive of this altruistic gesture. Because if I had believe that if he was teaching her how to catch the fish that would be a thing, but the true is another. She will come back again and again and he will enable this dependency, and to all I will be put aside while he becomes somebody’s hero. Yeeh!

Now I was expected to rearrange my life to fit hers. Really? Who is who here? We needed to check with her so we can have intimate moments. So arousing! I’m to come and visit as I used to. But, how am I to carry conversations that are meant for us while she is there? They both seem oblivious to my feelings and it not like she could not live with her mother during this time.

Like that was not enough, I’m commanded to be her friend, and that my kids are to be her kid play buddies. Command? Oh, that word just got me in all the wrong ways.

I can’t understand why he feels compelled to make her happy and the cost of my happiness, or it was just too convinent for him to choose who to make happy?

Why is he in denial? Why can’t he recognize that he failed and renounced to making her happy once before and that he is not longer responsible for her happiness?

This was a race that I had all loosing cards to and it was proven with my pain. I guess my ego got hurt and probably the answers will not help anything. But it certainly it still hurts like hell.

In what world?
Age: 40
City: Chicago
State: Illinois

 

Thoughts?

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12 Responses to “What To Do When They’re Still Involved With Their Ex”

  1. LostSailor Says:

    It’s hard to say, since it seems that English isn’t Stone’s first language.

    But it also seem that Stone and her ex-BF never really had a strong relationship to begin with if there were obvious signs that they were not “on the same page” prior to the current events with the ex-wife.

    She says he expected Stone’s kids to be playmates with the ex’s kids, but it’s unclear whether the ex-wife’s kids were with another man or were the ex-BFs children.

    That said, Stone is likely to be better off out of this relationship. I understand that a four-year relationship in one’s late 30s, especially when she has children, is something that she was likely unwilling to just toss aside. But if he is still so close or beholden to his ex-wife that he’s living with her again and being demanding that Stone accept the situation, then he’s not really ready to be in a relationship. His ex-wife’s welfare (assuming her children are not his) is more important to him than Stone’s. If those children are his, however, it’s a different story, since he will always have some sort of relationship with the ex-wife.

    And that’s the larger question. A person still involved with an ex-GF or ex-BF is a huge red flag. But an ex-wife is a different story, especially if there are children involved. For the person newly coming into that dynamic, it can be a minefield that needs to be carefully navigated, with good communication and boundaries that are clear to everyone. That was clearly not the case here.

    I’ve mentioned before, I’m still on quite friendly terms with my ex-wife, even though we don’t have children. And I’m still going to have that friendly relationship even when I get involved with someone new. But “friendly” does not include putting her welfare and feelings over my new relationship. But the same holds true that if a new woman in my life were to demand I cut off all contact with the ex, I would take that as a sign of extreme insecurity and jealousy, which is also a red flag.

    Stone, this was a relationship that simply wasn’t going to work in the first place. You’ll probably never understand why he acted as he did, but you can use the experience to learn what the warning signs are as you move on.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 4

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    • GI_JANE Says:

      1. Did he break up with the ex wife or did she break up with him?

      2. The way he is treating you is like an option, spare me the details please.

      3. To reiterate my last point, he is putting ex wife over new girlfriend. I don’t know what you need or how bad things have to get.

      4. Leave.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

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  2. Tinker Says:

    1. Folks need to proofread before submitting their questions. Seriously.
    2. He put the ex-wife above the OP. It sucks but he certainly wasn’t subtle about it, so that should cut down on any confusion.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  3. msM. Says:

    Well, if she is dating a man who has an ex wife that is the mother of his children she cannot expect to come in and rule the house. However it seems that it’s clear she is not his priority, the ex wife is. It sounds like he wasn’t willing to commit fully to her. So the likely answer is, get out of the relationship, he can’t give you the attention you need. In other words, he can’t meet your needs.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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    • C Says:

      I agree but for one thing, I’m not sure why the OP couldnt “expect to come in and rule the house” when a guy has children from a previous marriage. The only claim the ex wife has on his living arrangements is if she feels the new woman is a threat to the ex-wives children’s well being.

      In the case of the OPs ex-bf, it doesnt sound like the ex had children with this man. Unless I misunderstood, it sounded like the OP was compaining that her children were expected to be playmates to his ex not her children.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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  4. C Says:

    I can’t understand why he feels compelled to make her happy and the cost of my happiness, or it was just too convinent for him to choose who to make happy?

    Why is he in denial? Why can’t he recognize that he failed and renounced to making her happy once before and that he is not longer responsible for her happiness?

    —————————-

    I’m really not sure what exactly it is that you are asking. Are you asking if your boyfriend is an oblivious jerk?! Maybe he is and maybe he isnt. What does it change anything either way?

    I’m sorry you spent 4 years with a man who cares less for you then you did for him. I really am. I think we all find ourselves in this situation but usually it fizzles out much sooner then 4 years.

    You ask why he doesnt understand, but in fact I would bet he does and he simply doesnt care enough.

    The problem isnt that your boyfriend blindly ruined a great relationship but in fact that you failed to recognize that you were with a man who simply didnt give a damn. Perhaps this wasnt always the case, but it certainly was the case when he moved his ex-wife into his home.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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    • Tinker Says:

      Yes to this! I’m willing to be he showed signs of not giving a damn earlier, but often we don’t want to see them. This house thing was a really blatant extreme way of putting it in the OPs face. It’s helpful if for no other reason than she can know that there was/is nothing else for her to do here.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  5. Goldie Says:

    Sounds like an extremely awkward situation all around. It boggles my mind that the ex-wife would agree to that, too. Not to mention, I do not understand how someone decides to move his ex-wife in for an indefinite period of time, when he already has his gf of four years coming over and staying over.

    Like most commenters, I admit that I didn’t understand every detail of the OP’s letter, but what I understood was enough – dude has his ex-wife living in his house, and she doesn’t plan on moving out anytime soon. It also sounds like he made it the OP’s and her kids’ responsibility to make sure the ex-wife feels welcome? I’m sorry, but this is crazy. I would leave, too.

    C, above: “The problem isnt that your boyfriend blindly ruined a great relationship but in fact that you failed to recognize that you were with a man who simply didnt give a damn.”

    Yes. This is the only way I can explain how he came up with this weird arrangement and expected it to work.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Sounds like an extremely awkward situation all around. It boggles my mind that the ex-wife would agree to that, too.

      I don’t find it boggling at all that the ex-wife would agree to the “temporary” live-in situation. Not to be harsh, but there are plenty of women who will exploit when the opportunity presents itself. The indications are that she obviously was at least comfortable with the GF and her kids being in the house, just as I’m sure she really didn’t care if she blew up her ex-husband’s four-year relationship.

      Why? Because: I do not understand how someone decides to move his ex-wife in for an indefinite period of time, when he already has his gf of four years coming over and staying over. Because he allowed himself to be exploited by agreeing to move in his ex and not-his-kids. If he didn’t care enough about his GF and their relationship, I can’t see why she would.

      There are several possibilities. He didn’t really care that much about his relationship with Stone and prioritized the ex-wife and not-his-kids over her. In which case, he’s just a garden-variety asshole. Or he’s a pushover easily manipulated by his ex, in which case he’s a weak, clueless dweeb. Or he was trying to accommodate all the women in his life thinking he could somehow make it work, in which case he’s a wuss and a doormat.

      Whichever might be true, what is clear is that there doesn’t seem to be much left in this relationship.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  6. Stone Says:

    The kid is not his.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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    • Tinker Says:

      Oh hell no. So you know what you have to do right? Leaving is painful
      but it can’t be as bad as dealing with this kind of disrespect. It may seem worse but ultimately it’s not- staying in a situation like this will wear you down.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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    • LostSailor Says:

      That just makes it worse. It doesn’t sound like there is much here. I’d suggest just moving on…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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