The Solution To All Your Dating Problems Is Right Here

This is probably the most profound thing ever said on this site. People lie and are generally out for themselves. This is a bitter pill to swallow for many, but swallow it you must. You also need to accept these not-so-easy-to-take truths:

1. Just because they have sex with you doesn’t mean they’re attracted to you

2. The reason they gave you for not wanting to see you again probably isn’t the truth.

3. No, they don’t want to be friends.

4. If they seem fantastic and amazing and you can’t believe they’re single, there’s probably a reason why they’re single.

5. Just because they’re your friend doesn’t mean they want what’s best for you.

6. That “great connection” you felt on that first date was probably only in your head.

7. The guys who casually hook-up with you are probably not in the same league as the guys who would date you.

8. Women who warn other women against having casual sex either use sex to get guys to commit and fail or don’t like sex.

9. Men who warn women against having casual sex are insecure and have antiquated ideas about women, dating, and sex.

10. Most guys who say things like “they want to take it slow” are either up to no good, sexually inexperienced, or gay.

11. Most guys pay the check because they know women expect them to, not because they like doing it or want to do it.

12. People can lose interest very quickly.

13. People can pretend to be interested just to get what they want.

14. There’s no such thing as having sex too soon.

15. There’s no such thing as having sex “like a man.” Women who like to compare themselves to men in that regard are just subversively putting down other women.

Thoughts?

 

 

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27 Responses to “The Solution To All Your Dating Problems Is Right Here”

  1. HammersAndNails Says:

    Seems a bit overly pessimistic, but in many ways true. Not everyone lies regularly and many people do actually have mutually great connections… But obviously you are a fool if you think nobody lies or others always feel just like you do.

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    • Howard Says:

      If someone believes that list to be entirely true, then he or she has too much internalized Baggage.

      Of course there is some partial truth on most of the things on the list, but I can easily find exceptions to all. Some people lie for no good reason but to sound good. Most people however do lie because of some vested interest that is to their benefit. One thing to note, is that many people do avoid lying, just so they don’t have to remember the lie and keep up with the sham. Not the most honorable reason for telling the truth, but a prime reason for many.

      I could go through the list item by item, but a certain, “why worry about that” or “who cares” apply to many on the list. By now, most of us have developed defense mechanisms to deal with these things people do. Most times, I don’t even hold it against people for doing many of the things on that list. I suppose there is a malicious intent bar that could be applied to most of these items.

      When I was younger, I used to take exception, to people insulting my intelligence. These days I am even mostly immune to that too, unless the lie is so bizarre and obvious stupid. I suppose, that’s an end product of raising kids who do that us. It must be a divine lesson to us, to have people we love so much, casually do that to us, and for us to still love them intensely, and forgive them easily, even smiling about the ludicrousness in the process.

      There are a few on that list I do however take exception to. I would not indict someone for giving advice about having sex too soon. That advice is actually very good advice for the people who have extremely early sex all the time and expect an outcome that in not inline with that behavior. There is no way in hell it makes sense for a woman to always do one night stands, and expect the guy of that night, to be the forever-after guy. It really comes back to the illusion, one has in one’s head.

      The other one I take exception to is,
      4. If they seem fantastic and amazing and you can’t believe they’re single, there’s probably a reason why they’re single.

      Lots of busy people are single precisely for the reason that they are busy. So the reason isn’t always bad, and any assumption of lying may be going too far. I don’t believe being busy is too much of a negative trait. No one stays in that mode forever. Sometimes it’s just a way of jump-starting a career or business.

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  2. BostonRobin Says:

    I would add, “no exceptions.” Because people always bet on being the exception.

    These really are all the solutions, right here. But people will still write in, thinking that their situation is somehow exceptional or special. Nope. Humans are so predictable.

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    • HammersAndNails Says:

      ‘Everyone always lies, no exceptions, trust no one ever’ is actually worse than being blindly trusting.

      I hope I never become so bitter. In my experience most people are honest enough. I’ve only dated one person who lied all the time and all the rest were nothing like her. This list makes me feel lucky. Most people have been good. Most people are doing the best they can. Some have been more limited than others but selfish and malicious people are not all that’s out there

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      • Eliza Says:

        I tend to agree..sometimes, it’s best to be cruel to be kind, but at the very initial stages of dating, or upon meeting, or even beforehand, people really don’t need to get into detail as to why they are not going on Date 2…so a little white lie is the cordial way to go. All comments make sense…which is why someone once posted–and this pretty much summarizes it all. It means absolutely nothing until it means something!

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      • Goldie Says:

        Selfish and malicious people are actually very few and far between. People just come across to us as liars, users, players etc. more often than not, if we lose sight of their perspective – they are not on our side. They don’t know us! They’re acting in their best interests, and, if their best interests come in conflict with our interests, then, well, sucks to be us. And we cannot really blame them for it, because our decision-making process works exactly the same way, and truth be told, that’s the way it should be. There’s something creepy and controlling about the theoretical idea of a person who puts his or her own interests on a backburner to make sure their random date, whom they just met a few days or weeks ago, is happy and satisfied.

        It’s not that people necessarily lie. Rather, it’s every man (or woman) for himself in dating. And that’s normal.

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      • BostonRobin Says:

        I’m assuming that this list pertains to people who are feeling a bit uncomfortable about the person they are dating. It’s not a blanket description of every dating partner out there! Why would it be? It answers those questions you might have, that you might not have even been able to verbalize.

        As for my “no exceptions” idea, that has to do with people who get themselves involved in unrealistic or even toxic situations, but for some reason they believe that it’s going to be different for them. Example: dating a married person. It rarely ends well. Are you going to bet on being the exception?

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          **I’m assuming that this list pertains to people who are feeling a bit uncomfortable about the person they are dating. It’s not a blanket description of every dating partner out there!**

          That’s the way I read it, too, that IF you’re having problems, here’s why. Not, “Well, I *thought* I was blissfully happy, but this list proves it’s all lies – LIES! **bursts into tears**”

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            Right. And some of these are truisms. Like, literally mathematically impossible to disagree with. Like #4 that has some people carrying flaming pitchforks. Number 4 says there’s a “reason” someone is single. Well, no shit! She doesn’t say what the reason is. The reason could be they have a great life and liove being single. That’s a reason. Or, it could be they we consumed with their career. That’s a reason. It could even mean they are between long, healthy relationships (though obviously not what Moxie intended). If you’re going to dispute something, at least try to read and understand what you’re disputing.

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  3. Ben Iyyar Says:

    WOW! Moxie, sadly, every point you made is spot on.

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  4. Jess Says:

    Agree. Agree. Agree.

    While there may be some exceptions, based on individual experiences, I think this list is generally true.

    Some people lie to malnipulate and some people lie because they don’t want to hurt your feelings, cause drama, they don’t really know what they want/are feeling. So not all lying is intentionally malicious. Words need to be backed up with actions or they’re meaningless.

    With regards to #4…I can’t express with words how accurate this statement is! Every time I meet someone new there is always a moment when I go “Oh, this is probably why he’s single”. And most of the time it is not because he has bodies in his trunk. Everyone has those little quirks or behaviors or habits that members of the opposite sex might find unacceptable — which you normally don’t discover until you’ve spent significant time in their company. Which is why we shouldn’t get overly attached to profiles and pictures.

    And I’m sure guys have said the same thing about me. :)

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  5. D. Says:

    1. Just because they have sex with you doesn’t mean they’re attracted to you

    …to the extent you may want them to be. I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’ve never had sex with someone to whom I wasn’t at least a little attracted. But I’ve had sex with people where I wasn’t attracted to them enough to want to do much more than have sex and maybe enjoy a drink.

    I think it’s more that just because they have sex with you doesn’t mean they’re interested in anything long term.

    2. The reason they gave you for not wanting to see you again probably isn’t the truth.

    …or at least isn’t the whole, unvarnished truth. It may, however, be a more…diplomatically phrased version of the truth. “I’m not feeling the spark” is almost always undeniably true when rejecting someone. The part you leave out — because saying it would be needlessly cruel — is why you “just aren’t feeling it.” Much of the time, we know the deep-down reason why we aren’t feeling it, and it’s something picky and arbitrary. “Your smile is too gummy and it weirds me out” may be the reason you “aren’t feeling it,” but there’s no need to say that to the other person.

    Part of dating is willingly engaging in a bit of a social dance, and that includes both withholding information, and not pressing for information when it’s withheld from you. They don’t want to tell you the whole truth, and trust me, you don’t want to hear it. Just say “No problem. Good luck out there” and move on.

    4. If they seem fantastic and amazing and you can’t believe they’re single, there’s probably a reason why they’re single.

    …but that reason may not be something you find fatal. Everyone who is single is single for a reason. The question is whether the reason they’re single is a problem for you.

    6. That “great connection” you felt on that first date was probably only in your head.

    Or at least didn’t exist to the degree you thought it did. You may think it was an AMAZING date, whereas they thought “Oh, it was nice. I’d go out with them again, I guess.”

    But even if you DID have a “great connection” with the other person on a first date, and it was absolutely 100% mutual…that is no guarantee that it will turn into the great love of your life, so keep the “great connection” in perspective.

    7. The guys who casually hook-up with you are probably not in the same league as the guys who would date you.

    This is so very, very true. Guys will sleep with you because…well…why not? I mean, if you’re offerin’, what the hell, right? But that doesn’t mean they’d necessarily date you seriously. It also, however, doesn’t mean that they “just want to use you for sex,” as much as it means they enjoy your company, enjoy sex, maybe even enjoy sex with you, but there’s something that means they won’t get serious.

    Sex is not a guarantee. Sex is not a contract. Don’t go into it viewing it as such.

    10. Most guys who say things like “they want to take it slow” are either up to no good, sexually inexperienced, or gay.

    False, or at least not necessarily true. Could be they’ve been recently burned by sleeping with a woman who flipped out after they lost interest, and don’t want to run that risk again. Could be they know they can get sex if they really want it, so they don’t mind waiting with you, since they can get it with someone else. Could be that they’re plenty experienced, are looking for something more serious, and think they may have found it. Also, it depends heavily on whether they’re the ones volunteering when the woman apparently wants to have sex, or whether they’re saying “No worries” when a woman has said she wants to wait.

    Plenty of guys are fine with waiting for sex if they think the wait is worth it…at least up to a point. Moreover, they’ll wait IF they’re getting a sense she’s genuinely interested and sex will likely come not too far down the road. They will not, however, wait indefinitely.

    11. Most guys pay the check because they know women expect them to, not because they like doing it or want to do it.

    True, to a point. Sometimes they like doing so, too. But don’t assume that their adherence to social norms means they’re seriously interested. And doing the check dance is still appreciated, as is occasionally suggesting a date and picking up the tab yourself.

    14. There’s no such thing as having sex too soon.

    Absolutely true in the sense that no guy (or at least no guy who isn’t batshit crazy) is going to say “I appreciate the sex, but you’ve proven to me that you’re a slutty slut slut-pants, so we’re done now. If you’d waited like a good girl, I’d still want to date you.” If they ditch you after sex, chances are it’s because they weren’t that interested or lost interest for other reasons, not because you “had sex too soon.”

    As I said, sex is not a binding contract or promise of future commitment. Don’t use it to gauge interest levels beyond “Do they want to have sex with me?”

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  6. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “One of your commenters?” Ouch. Quite a demotion coming from one of the bloggers i read.

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  7. Yvonne Says:

    I completely agree with everything “D” said above, so while I also agree with most of your post, I also think you are being overly cynical, and a little harsh.

    I would add:

    8. Women who warn other women against having casual sex either use sex to get guys to commit and fail or don’t like sex.

    I have no problem with other women having casual sex. But what I constantly read about on this blog (and others) are women having casual sex, and believing that it means more than it does. So they are having casual sex, but they are hoping it will lead to a relationship. If you want to have casual sex, fine, but don’t expect anything to come of it and then feel hurt and indignant when it doesn’t go further.

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  8. J Says:

    Well, I have some thoughts about #9.

    What about guys who have been the victims of trauma, rape, or abuse? They’re not necessarily malicious, inexperienced or gay.

    And thoughts about #11.

    I don’t think I’ve felt obligated to pay the check on any date out of some kind of gender role acceptance. I have paid checks while my date went to the bathroom. I have paid checks when they’re tiny and my date didn’t have anything small and didn’t want deal with change. Other times, she’ll pay the check because, it needs to be paid and she had her card in her hand already. It didn’t ruin or inhibit the date, it’s just a check.

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    • HammersAndNails Says:

      Lol… it is certainly not ‘just the check’ On a first few dates. Sure there might be some women who don’t mind, but they are a small minority. Most women, even those with money, are going to hold it against a man for whatever reason they choose if he doesn’t pick up the check. Dating without always picking up the check is just making your love life unnecessarily difficult IMHO. Sure it can be done, but if you have the means, why make life hard? Play to expectations.

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    • msM. Says:

      I always offer to split the check (and it’s always accepted) when I am on a first date and there is no chemistry (to put it bluntly – I have no desire to sleep with this person). It’s obvious this isn’t going anywhere. If there is no “romantic” undertone, there is no need to have the man pay. However, if I am on a date with a man and there is chemistry I feel like he should pay.

      I dated a man once who asked me if “I wanted to contribute” at the end of the first date and I said no (it was mostly drinks and i don’t drink much and we barely ate…)- we ended up dating briefly anyway, but for some reason I always held that against him. Splitting the bill initially means “friends” or “friend who wants benefits” to me. That sets the tone for a relationship. (Dates are always a couple of drinks, maybe appetizers, or inexpensive restaurant).

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  9. Goldie Says:

    Good list, my personal favorite is #12. People do lose interest very quickly.

    I’m not sure what to think about #4, though. Does it imply that being single in and of itself is a bad thing, indicating possible character flaws? Because, if so, then we’re all screwed, since the only people we can choose from as our dates and possibly, in the long-term, our partners, are single. Not only that, but we ourselves are single too! The horrors.

    I’ve seen both single and married people that were messed up, and likewise, both single and married people that were healthy and balanced. There’s no correlation that I’ve been able to notice. The ones who jump from one relationship straight into the next are probably the most messed-up of us all, even though they’re never technically single for long.

    Not sure if I agree with #10, as well, but then I’m biased – I’m just recently out of a relationship with a man who’d originally told me he liked to take it slow. I promise you he was decent, experienced, and straight, to the best of my knowledge. And the way I saw it from close interaction with him, it was exactly like D said – he just knew what he wanted, and was willing to wait to make sure that what he had really was what he wanted, and that the other person was okay with being together, as well. Nothing wrong with that in my opinion. I see it as just another way of going about starting a relationship.

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    • Joey Giraud Says:

      All, and I do mean *all*, of my over-40 buddies who’ve never married or lived with a woman do indeed have “issues” that clearly make them poor bets for a marriage-minded woman.

      I think that’s what Moxie meant.

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  10. Steven Says:

    My only quibbles are minor.

    #10 and #14 I hope that there is a distinction between “take it slow” and “take it not quite so fast.” I’m not always comfortable enough with a woman to want to hop in the sack after one conversation. Being aware of point #4 and that it applies to me as well, I don’t really want to have sex with a woman who is basing that on assumptions about me that aren’t true.

    Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s objectively too soon, it means that in many situations it is too soon for my own comfort and safety. That might change on the second date. Or a couple hours later. And I’m not saying it happens all the time but I have had to say “cool down for a little while.”

    #11 is basically true, and I will always pick up the check on a first date for that reason, but at some point I expect us to find some form of taking turns. Treating someone else *does* feel good. And being treated also feels good. Splitting checks is no fun ever.

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  11. Paul Says:

    “Everybody lies.” – Dr. Gregory House
    So true.

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  12. LostSailor Says:

    Lots of good comments. My take:

    Yes, as Paul noted the quote from House, “Everybody Lies.” I actually have the t-shirt. And the line that Moxie tweeted is also true. People lie. I’ll put that up there with “everybody judges, all the time, and they’re judging you right now.”

    But as others have noted, not everyone lies about everything, not everyone lies all the time, and not everyone lies about important things. And I would be wary of anyone who accepted everything on the list as true about anyone they meet. Lying is usually situational and different people do it at different times for different reasons.

    So, to the list:

    1. Not necessarily true. Unless they’re overwhelmingly horny and have no options, they won’t necessarily have sex even if they’re unattracted. Sure, it’s possible, but I’d word this one differently. Just because they have sex with you doesn’t mean they’re interested in more than sex with you. That’s definitely true.

    2. Maybe, maybe not. If they don’t want to see you again, it really doesn’t matter.

    3. True.

    4. This is the most problematic, as others have noted. Someone may present as being fantastic and amazing and still single for many reasons. They may have hidden issues or major character flaws. They may prefer to be single. Or they may have not yet met the right person. As D commented, the “reason” they’re single may or may not be a deal killer. Keep in mind while judging why they’re amazing and single, they’re also judging you about why you’re amazing and single.

    5. True

    6. True but that doesn’t mean one shouldn’t find out if there actually is a great connection. Just don’t get too excited and invested to early.

    7. Usually, but not necessarily true. It’s actions here that speak louder than words. If all that’s offered is hooking up without other dating behavior, then yes. But if they like hooking up but also want to do other things, then no.

    8. True.

    9. Perhaps. That doesn’t mean they’re wrong.

    10. Mixed bag. As to the three options: probably not (like, why?), best bet, and probably not (if they’re gay and dating women, there are other major problems). Maybe inexperienced, maybe burned before. I’d call this an orange flag.

    11. True. Unless they’re fabulously wealthy.

    12. True.

    13. True.

    14. True, depending on one’s expectations and mindset. For people who have their shit together, yes, true.

    13. True.

    tl:dr: Yeah people lie sometimes, some people lie all the time. Get your head on straight and trust your gut. Hope for the best; plan for the worst.

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  13. James Says:

    1) If someone you meet on a dating site has an excuse as why not to meet, they’re not interested. Just move on.
    2) Avoid people who are unemployed and have no visible means of support. The requests for money will start soon enough.
    3) Do not try to save a broken woman guys..insecure, needy, crazy, addicted, stupid…will just bring you heartache.
    4) Guys, women who are more than 10 years younger than you usually want money.

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  14. AC Says:

    I’ll keep this brief.

    There some good advice in your post. See some of the above comments for that.

    #4 I can only hope that the readers here have enough common sense to avoid this advice.
    With all due respect it makes you sound like a miserable better person.

    My advice, start dealing with your own issues, before projecting this type of nonsense on to your readers.

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  15. rugbychix Says:

    I also say that #4 is silly. People can be single for a lot of reasons, some of the best relationships I know were based on people who were single because of having lives outside of relationships. I know, it’s crazy, but sometimes people have immensely pleasurable/rewarding careers and interests. These people don’t see value in dropping things that are great in their lives to aggressively pursue relationships.

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  16. Noquay Says:

    This list is awesome! Just because one may live a life where honesty, integrity are sacrosanct, doesn’t mean you can assume others feel the same way. And James, I would add for women; avoid broken/addicted/crazy men. Nope they’re not fixable and may become your next stalker.

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