Dating Red Flag 101: Guys Like This Don’t Exist

The other day I wrote a list of a few important dating realities. One of them was that if someone seems amazing and fantasticwaving-red-flag1 and they’re single, there is probably a reason. Of course, some people internalized that one and took offense. Because, see, they think they’re fantastic and amazing and they’re single and there’s nothing wrong with them. Allow me to clarify something. I’m not talking about your run of the mill great catch. I’m talking about people like the guy featured in these two articles.

Article 1

Article 2

Let’s highlight some of the major red flags.

From the article:

I opened his message on Wednesday morning, and immediately noticed how drop dead gorgeous he was. I’m talking tall, dark and handsome, straight-off-the-pages-of-GQ gorgeous

I’ve spoken before of how I raise my eyebrows at atypically good-looking people using online dating sites, but that’s not the red flag. The red flag is that he emailed her. If this guy is as gorgeous as she says, he’s being hit up by numerous women. We’ve discussed before about how people in high demand don’t typically have to send emails

After checking out his profile, I learned that he was my age, has a prestigious role at a well-known advertising company (which happens to be only one block from my office), that he’s very well-traveled, has a great education, is witty, athletic, spontaneous and overall too good to be true. But what did I have to lose?

Next red flag? He seems too good to be true. What do we say about people like that? Right.

Before I knew it, I was agreeing to dinner and drinks the following night.

Dinner on a first date. They live in NYC. Who does dinner on a first date? Guys with no experience and guys who just want to get laid, that’s who.

I usually don’t accept dates so quickly, especially with a guy that seems so out of my league,

I shouldn’t even have to continue beyond this. She said it herself. This guy is out of her league. Game over.  That’s all she needed to know.

“I’m actually going to Europe for the weekend. I have some friends and family in Italy that I’ve been meaning to see, so I’ll fly out tomorrow morning and come back Sunday night,” he told me, as if he were telling me he would be grocery shopping and doing laundry all weekend.He went on to tell me how he tries to travel as much as possible to escape the city and experience other cultures. And how Europe is a frequent destination because  he played professional basketball there for a while. Oh and also, he has an apartment in Italy that he needs to sell soon, since it’s just been sitting there. I continued to grill him about his travels and his basketball career, hoping to catch him in an obvious lie, but I didn’t.

Now, maybe this guy is telling the truth. He could be. But if he’s not, you’re not going to catch him in a lie. Why? Because he’s practiced this story. Plus, she’s already demonstrated that – despite knowing in her gut this guy is too good to be true – she went out with him anyway.

The bartender waltzed over to us and I immediately thought we were going to be scolded for the PDA, but instead, he looked at us and smiled. “I hope I’m not interrupting, but you two look SO happy together. What’s your secret?”

Ok. People don’t do this. Not in real life. The hard-core cynic in me thinks this guy took her to a place where he knows the staff and that he got the bartender to come over to the table and say this. I actually hate myself for thinking that.

An hour later, we called it a night, though technically it was morning. We sent a few texts back and forth after we parted ways, and upon my arrival home, I immediately fired up my MacBook Pro to Google him, praying that I wouldn’t find out that he wasn’t real. I let out a deep sigh when everything he told me checked out. The next day while I was on the elliptical at the gym, I felt my phone vibrating from inside the cup holder. I opened it to find a photo of the Trevi Fountain at night, lit up in all of it’s beautiful glory. “Thought I’d share,” he wrote. “Next time, maybe you can see it in person with me.”


On to the 2nd date:

After dinner, we went to a small bar nearby and snagged a corner booth where we were able to talk more about our experiences and failures in dating, drink some good tequila and sneak in some of those kisses that made me weak in the knees the first time we went out. “What are your plans next Saturday? I want to see you again,” he said.

Planning the third date before the second date ends. Not always a reds flag, but in this situation it is a red flag. If you want to get laid, then it doesn’t hurt to feign interest in future dates.

When we finally decided to call it a night at 2:30 a.m., he wrapped his arm around me, kissed my forehead and said, “I think I’d like to take you off the market soon.”

After two dates, before he’s slept with her. Okay.

GQ had extended an invitation earlier in the night to stay at his place, and told me to think about it, but I remained unsure. I didn’t want to rush things, and I’d made it perfectly clear that I was looking for a relationship, not a hookup, so I worried going home with him on the second date might send mixed signals. But by the end of our date, I felt so safe and at ease with him that I knew I’d be in good hands. Things just felt natural. Even telling GQ that I had my period was easy.“I just don’t want to say goodnight yet,” he admitted, “and if that means you wearing my sweatpants in my bed and just having you with me all night, I don’t care about your period”

Yeah. Here’s the thing. A guy will be satisfied with a blow job. If he’s desperate enough to get laid, he’ll even plow through and have sex with a woman while she’s on her period. Most guys don’t really care about the mess or inconvenience. And, like I said, there’s always oral.

We stayed up for a while, slowly stripping each other out of our clothes and making out in every room in his apartment. We ended up in his bed, falling asleep to his iPod when I coerced him into telling me what we’re doing on Saturday. It turns out, he bought to tickets to a Broadway show I’d mentioned I want to see, and crossed his fingers I’d be able to join him. If I couldn’t, he figured he’d “cut his losses.”

Oh. More money spent? Well then he must really like her if he’s spending all this money, amirite? To a guy who jets to Europe for the weekend, $200 tickets to a Broadway show means nothing. Since he works for an advertising agency, he probably got the tickets for free. He’s likely letting her infer that he spent a lot of money on the tickets.

The next day, GQ texted me to see how the rest of my day went and to tell me that he didn’t want to wait to see me until Saturday. He invited me over for TV and takeout tonight, which I happily agreed to. The more time I spend with him, the easier things seem to get.  All of the other second (and third and fourth) dates I’ve been on with guys in the past have been full of questions, concerns and red flags that I’ve always tried to ignore, hoping that the guy would grow into being right for me. For the first time in years, I don’t have to ignore anything. At least not yet.

But..she is ignoring red flags. She admits it.  He invites her over for their third date the night after their second date? How come this amazing guy who should probably be beating women off with a stick has so many nights available? Someone like this is not just picking anybody. If what he says is true, this guy has quite a bit to offer and protect. He’s not risking all of it for some random girl he met on OKCupid. Why? That’s the question any woman in this position should ask herself. Why si somebody who seems like such a catch a) single and b) so willing to commit so quickly?

The worst part is reading the comments on these posts and hearing all the women congratulating and encouraging this woman. There were only a few comments pointing out that everything about this guy feels wonky and off.

Maybe I’m just ridiculously cynical. Maybe this guy is some uber-wealthy,  Italian ex-professional basketball player  with model good-looks who jets to Italy for the weekend and professes his affection after 2 dates. Maybe. Or…this guy has his act down pat.

If you know someone is out of your league, and they’re making this much effort, something is off. I’m sorry. I’d love to push along those romantic rom com fantasies, but I can’t.

Guys like this don’t exist.

Am I being too suspicious?

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68 Responses to “Dating Red Flag 101: Guys Like This Don’t Exist”

  1. Eliza Says:

    I like to give people the benefit of the doubt…but at the same token, there is one thing I truly abhor, and it’s when anyone, man or woman insult my intelligence. And women also have and SHOULD use their intuition. And everything I read in the post above tells me, this woman shouldn’t be over the moon – so quickly. OK, perhaps she shouldn’t be waiting for the other shoe to drop so soon…but she should proceed with some caution…rather than act like some love sick highschool girl, unless she is in her very early 20’s….where one gets all giggly and crazy over what a man looks like merely. Not all that glitters is gold. And that’s not coming from a cynic–but from someone that has had her share of experiences to confirm that notion.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 0

  2. Eliza Says:

    I meant – All that Glitters isn’t gold. lol

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  3. Goldie Says:

    Yes, this is actually one of the main dating rules that I go by – “if it sounds too good to be true, it is”. If that’s what you meant, Moxie, by your #4 in the other post, then I’m in total agreement.

    I didn’t really take offense with “he’s single for a reason” – I just don’t see how it makes logical or practical sense, because, the way it was worded, it implied that there’s something wrong with being single – then why bother dating at all, since we only get to choose from a pool of single people? How will it help my dating process if I ruminate over every guy I meet, trying to figure out whatever it was that made him *gasp* single?

    As for the woman in the letter (if any of what she wrote is even true), if I were her, I’d try not to get attached, enjoy it while it lasts, and be on the lookout for red flags. So far, sounds like she’s having a good time. If she’s okay with the possibility of the whole thing fizzling out soon, why not enjoy this good time for now, so she’ll have a cool story to tell her grandkids years later? But, yeah. If it sounds too good to be true, it is. Also, there’s a chance that the author made the whole thing up. The article got clicks and comments, right? Most of the women who read it will be coming back for more stories of future dates with Italian Hottie, right? Well, there you go.

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    • Selena Says:

      Yes, the articles seemed too embellished to me. Like someone was practicing writing romantic fiction.

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  4. J Says:

    I agree with the response except for one point. A dinner date in NYC is anything but a red flag to me. If anything, a coffee date or date at the bar is much more of a red flag to me. A dinner date requires two people to engage in a meaningful conversation until the food is served and the meal is paid.

    In regards to red flags, I think that everyone can be construed as a red flag to someone. To me I have learned that the biggest red flags in real life are the ones that don’t come across as having any online. When a person doesn’t have ANY red flags in their profile or internet behavior, I stay away!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 15 Thumb down 16

    • mindstar Says:

      I agree with J wrt a dinner date in NYC. For me dates are after work and may not begin until 8pm are so. Put simply it’s likely been 6 or 7 hours since I ate lunch (if I even did) and I’m HUNGRY then and want to have dinner. The women I’ve invited out don’t seem to mind and at the end of the date if we hadn’t hit it off at least I got to try out a new restaurant.

      With respect to the OP way, way too many red flags. I especially liked Moxie’s points re this guy’s ready availability and his eagerness to commit so soon. Plus the scene with the bartender is a classic wingman move. The OP is letting her imagined “good fortune” blind her to reality. Of course as Goldie pointed out the OP’s story could be just to drive site traffic.

      Too many women ignore “too good to be true” to their detriment. The OP certainly is.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 2

      • fuzzilla Says:

        Re: the wingman bit…my point was that people say “I can tell you guys have something really special” as meaningless throwaway lines all the time. Yeah, I guess mentioning Bora Bora does seem a little too perfect and kinda like a setup.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

  5. fuzzilla Says:

    **Ok. People don’t do this. Not in real life. The hard-core cynic in me thinks this guy took her to a place where he knows the staff and that he got the bartender to come over to the table and say this.**

    I was once at a bar with a guy I was about to hook up with and a guy at the bar said, “I don’t mean to interrupt, but you guys have a really great vibe. You seem to have something really real that you don’t see every day.” Something like that. The guy was just a fling, and the bar patron was probably drunk. Presumably the bartender wasn’t drunk, but he does work on tips so it’s in his interests to be flattering and charming. I had a bartender tell me on another date, different guy, “This guy’s a good one, I can tell.” Never heard from the dude again.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 3

    • Marshmallow Says:

      When I go out with my gay male friend, waiters always think we are married. It’s because we are really comfortable together but things like that happen over time. When you really like someone, and it is in the early stages, you are nervous. You are going to make mistakes. You are not going to sound like you just stepped out of a Harlequin romance.

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  6. Noquay Says:

    I tend to give the benefit of the doubt and not invest, but keep my lil eyes open and give him enough rope to hang himself. One of the reasons I have decided to bail on on line is that yep, every dude too good to be true, was. I do not know where the OP lives but in my case, in the intermountain west, you are only going to get pretty much redneck, not so classy dudes that are not at all well off and in general, do not take care of themselves. That is 99% of mountain town culture , at least in my age range. Any guy from my region and acting as though theyre well off is a huge red flag because that kind of prosperity simply doesn’t exist unless one is a retiree from elsewhere. The latter are the only ones I date. Not even a matter of league but one of what does and does not exist. Now Italian basketball player dude might be plausible in someplace like NYC or LA but few other areas. The OP has admitted that her gut is telling her that somethings fishy. BTW folks can and do put false stuff on Google. I’d say enjoy the ride sister but invest nothing emotionally and understand it will blow up.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I think the author purposely stripped identifying details (calling it “Dater X” and all), but I assumed NYC or a big city if they were at a restaurant ’til morning time-ish.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • fuzzilla Says:

        (Obvs. a nice restaurant, with a charming bartender, and not an all night diner).

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  7. manwich Says:

    Yeah, call me cynical, but I smell BS. It could be that the author is exaggerating. It is her job to write stories. Maybe she is incredibly beautiful, and this is just how rich and fabulous people live, but I don’t believe it. I don’t see this ending well. It would ruin her career. Happily ever after is a boring story. Ever notice that romantic comedies don’t have sequels?

    The “too good to be true” rule is a hard pill to swallow. We don’t want to believe it. That’s why we need to hear it. It’s more healthy to hear the truth than read fantasy stories about perfect people.

    As a guy, we have to accept a correlation between a woman’s desirability and high-maintenance factor. It’s not always a perfect correlation. Some beautiful woman are really nice. Some ugly people are spoiled and selfish. There is however, a direct correlation between a woman’s desirability and the competition from other men. Other guys can tell if a woman is hot. If a woman is beautiful, and has a nice personality; guys will paratroop in outa nowhere the moment she becomes single. This is because guys are the instigators, aggressors, and competitors in the dating game. Women are the judges and the prize.

    The “too good to be true” rule is especially true with charming guys. A woman’s attractiveness might just be something she was born with, but a man’s charm is a skill he has to develop. Just knowing romantic locations to take dates requires experience. The things charming guys do on dates sure as hell aren’t skills he practiced with his buddies. Men are conditioned our whole lives to not be so sensitive and sentimental. Guys who can turn this on and off are either pick-up artists, or emotionally maladjusted. Does he fall in love with every woman on the second date?

    Women tend to date passively, and romanticize lucky accidents. It takes tremendous skill to create these lucky accidents. Kissing a stranger for the first time is awkward. Getting a girl alone in a room with a bed without seeming like a ploy is hard. Guys who lack these skills are the awkward ones who get labeled as creeps, or the quiet ones you never met. Guys who have this skill aren’t relationship material. Why give up a sport in your prime? This smarmy douche doesn’t want to become a husband any more than “DaterX” wants to become “HousewifeX”.

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    • Goldie Says:

      Have to agree on guys that have game. I’ve posted several times on here about how my last ex got me to commit when we first met. From the first message to the last date when we decided to become exclusive, it was a flawless execution. He did not make a single wrong move once. Mind you, I’m saying this with total respect and admiration for how he did it. The entire time he had me thinking that he was a shy nerdy guy who was crazy about me, and that I just sat there and let him win me over. I thought *I* was the one that was good at dating. It never even hit me how good *he* was at it, until he broke up with me two years later, went back online two months later, and told me about having gotten serious with a new woman on there another month later. She is now his gf. One month from the time he registered. No other guy I know has ever been able to pull this off. Man’s got game. Same goes for “DaterX”‘s dude. And if he’s got game, more likely than not he’s going to put that skill to good use with multiple women, instead of wasting it all on just one of them.

      I think the closest Mr.Italian Prize ever came to blowing his cover was when he told “DaterX”, “I think I’d like to take you off the market soon.” Oh give me a damn break. Who the hell says this on a second date unironically? How did this sentence ever get past DaterX’s BS radar?

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  8. BostonRobin Says:

    I’m torn between calling her a liar and feeling sorry for her. Something about this guy is way, way off. Maybe he just dumped yet another one-year relationship girl.

    The thing with rebounders, or people who are just generally silly about dating and relationships is that they project whatever they want the other person to be. They literally do not see you for who you are. You’re a blank slate.

    She even mentions a rom com, how it seemed like that, and compared his moves to Ryan Gosling. It’s not real and she knows it, deep down! But you want to believe that “this time it is” and that maybe it is possible for someone to fall for you “just like that.” (BTDT)

    It’s not that we get cynical over the years, we just learn to read people better and to call bullshit on them sooner. Then move on to people who act like human beings instead of actors in a movie!

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  9. BTownGirl Says:

    And here I was thinking I was a jerk because, when I originally read these over at The Frisky, I thought….What. The. F***. I’m all for high-fiving someone for pulling a great catch, but something is just Not Right Here. I’m with what Boston Robin said, i.e. dude is behaving like he’s acting to such an extent I keep waiting for Kate Hudson to show up. I swear there are guys that get off on that. I’m pretty sure I dated one of them, actually. What went wrong there? Oh, he just up and disappeared one day after a romantic trip, never to be heard from again (Until a year later. No, I’m not kidding.). I certainly hope I’m wrong about Dater X’s guy, but some of these guys are like magicians with the ol’ slight of hand – distracting you from what’s actually going on.

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  10. Yvonne Says:

    How old are these people? If they are under 25-30, I might be less suspicious. But over 30? And I don’t think of How About We? as a site for serious daters. Plus, I wouldn’t make any judgements about a guy until I’d been on at least 4 dates with him. Hey, I’m not sure that even “DaterX” herself is real, but hopefully, “she” will keep us posted!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

  11. Zaire Says:

    Its really eerie reading this. Just before I clicked onto this site I was checking my inbox and got a message from a guy that was gorgeous and fit, like fitness model/personal trainer fit. While I am pretty cute and many people have confirmed that this guy is atypical of the type I can get. I saw his profile yesterday, read it, and clicked off because I knew he was out of my league. So I was surprised and suspicious to see him message me. I know myself and I do get insecure and sell myself short but I also know that guys like that typically aren’t into my “type”, from what I can see.

    While I don’t blame this woman for going out with this guy, because why not, I do agree with you that this just seems off. I found myself rolling my eyes at the excerpts you provided and had the exact same thought about the waiter’s comment before even reading your comments. Trite, canned, and tacky. I am not a romantic by any means and generally dislike rom-coms and would never think to model real life dating on fantasy.

    I don’t think you are being too cynical. I consider myself pretty optimistic but dating (especially online) is like living in the Wild West. There are no rules or regulations to protect us so we have to be vigilant to protect ourselves from unnecessary hurt or drama. I would never not go for it, but I would be hyper-vigilant, and screening like a MFer!

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  12. HammersAndNails Says:

    Agreed. I’m not naturally suspicious but this is so over the top it sounds like this woman is making it up. I’d bet on that long before a guy actually behaving this way and pouring it on this thick

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  13. Tinker Says:

    This particular guy may be shady but in general yes, i think you are being too suspicious. Good looking guys get swept up in women too- why not her? They really can like a woman’s personality and looks- why not hers? I think when you’ve been online too long it can cloud your judgement, but not everyone is dating for sport or following all of the norms that wizened ( hardened?) daters adhere to.

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    • Goldie Says:

      Ah, but here’s the kiss of death: “[he] has never had a relationship longer than one year because he doesn’t believe in prolonging something that ‘doesn’t feel right’ ”

      My, my, isn’t that an easy out. “Sorry, my dear, I cannot put my finger on it, but something just doesn’t feel right, also, your 12-month lease on me is up, kthxbye”, moves on to the next one. If this isn’t dating for sport, I don’t know what is.

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  14. Grizzly Says:

    Yeah right. I seriously doubt any of this actually happened. These articles read like she took the most common tropes from every generic romantic comedy ever made, and then just strung them together. This is just way too out there to be believable.

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    • manwich Says:

      Yeah, instead of an Italian athlete, why not just make him a Scottish Highlander, or a teen vampire. It reads like fiction.

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    • Ben Iyyar Says:

      I agree, this whole story sounds like Cinderella without a fairy Godmother the crystal slipper, and pumpkin coach!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  15. D. Says:

    Ah ha. So this is what the female equivalent of “Letters to Penthouse” looks like.

    Anyway, fictional dating accounts aside, I think the notion of perfection itself requires some serious consideration.

    “Perfect” could mean any number of things, and I tend to think that notions of perfection reflect more on the person who’s imagining what perfect looks like than on the person they’re describing.

    If your touchstone for perfection is romcoms, fairy tales, etc….well, there’s your problem. You’re trying to find something that exists only in the realm of fiction. Looking to those kinds of stories as examples of “how it should be” is juvenile and suggests someone who is unable or unwilling to deal with the difficulties and risks that can and usually do eventually come up in any serious relationship.

    Real people are not objectively perfect. Real people have flaws. They may not be flaws you care about or can live with, which makes them perfect for you, but they’re flawed nonetheless. We start screwing ourselves up when we consciously ignore the flaws (even as we pretend to acknowledge them).

    Anyway, the whole thing just sounds like bullshit. Either the author is deluded (or deluding herself), or the article is just another romcom fantasy dressed in dating blog form.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 1

    • Tinker Says:

      I can agree with this. The guy does not sound like my idea if perfection. But, when someone does have a good first date with someone that had everything they are lookin for, I’d hate for their first thought to be ‘this has to be some kind of lie. Someone that seems so great couldn’t possibly be into me’. Cause to that I say, why not?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

      • Goldie Says:

        Depends what they’re looking for. If they’re looking for an ordinary decent, funny guy, who gets them and they get him, good looks optional, some kind of income and some level of physical attraction preferable, then I too say, why not? If they’re looking for a gorgeous, wealthy, romantic, sensitive prince on a white horse, however…

        Also, no one can possibly be that much into anyone after just one date. They don’t know the person enough to be all that into them.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 2

    • LostSailor Says:

      So this is what the female equivalent of “Letters to Penthouse” looks like.

      Without my near superhuman reflexes, D, you might owe me a new keyboard after reading that one. Fortunately, I was manfully able to not spew a mouthful of whiskey over delicate computer equipment…

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  16. Speed Says:

    My first thought is that the story is entirely fictional. That’s because the guy is too perfect, even by Hollywood standards: multilingual, romantic, wealthy, accomplished, kind…the list goes on. On top of that, his moves are flawless and the couple gives off an aura that is so strong that even strangers accost them, exclaiming “what kind of magic is this?”

    On the slim chance that this guy is real, then he’s a con man. I don’t think it’s just to get laid because guys at the 9/10 level don’t have to work that hard at all to get laid—unless maybe the woman is a supermodel.

    At some point, he’s going to need $3,000-5,000 for some investment of some sort, “because all his money is temporarily tied up in illiquid investments.”

    As to the Google check, that doesn’t prove anything. You can easily create a fake digital profile with fake links and such —in fact, a con man (or woman) would have to create one because everyone is Googling everyone else.

    In the end, one or another, this (likely false) story cannot have a happy ending.

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    • HammersAndNails Says:

      Accidental thumbs down. wholeheartedly agree that a request for money would make this story believable.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  17. Marshmallow Says:

    I’m not buying the “jetting off to Italy” story. You can do a Google search and find thousands of images of the Trevi Fountain at night. Notice HE wasn’t in the photo. He told her straight up that he travels a lot – how else to juggle the ladies? I bet the longer she sees him, the more vacations he’ll start taking.

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  18. LostSailor Says:

    they think they’re fantastic and amazing and they’re single and there’s nothing wrong with them….Guys like this don’t exist.

    You can try to deny my existence all you want, Moxie, but I’m still here.


    Assuming all this is true, the guy is clearly, if not a player, at least a smooth operator. It’s within the realm of possibility that he’s for real (like Yvone, I’d like to know their respective ages), but it’s not likely. But Dater X will definitely play this one out to the end. After which, tears. And another Frisky article.

    But I do have one quibble. In that second comment thread, Moxie comments Somebody who says that they want to be exclusive after 2 dates is totally suspect.

    He didn’t say that. He smoothly suggested that exclusivity (“I think I’d like to take you off the market soon”) might be in the offing, but he never actually, according to her, say he wanted to be exclusive. Like I said, smooth operator. Her response simply told him that he’d reeled her in.

    And of course most of the comments are congratulatory; the women of The Frisky want the Vom-Com fantasy. That’s why they keep making movies like that.

    But the greater question here is whether a “perfect” man or woman exists. And that very much depends. For people who are holding out for everything on their checklist, still aiming for the vom-com fantasy, and thinking that they should “never settle” and can “have it all,” then, no, the perfect partner probably doesn’t exist and they will be sucked into something bad if they think they’ve found it. Because they’re looking for the fantasy and not for something real.

    But I do believe it’s still true (outing myself as perhaps a hopeless romantic, inside a hard cynical nougat, surrounded by a layer of chocolate and a tasty candy shell) that there can be a “perfect” (or as near as it can get) for you. It just doesn’t happen very often in one lifetime.

    And in Dater X’s case, it’s not happening now…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

  19. AC Says:

    I was one of those who responded negatively to comment #4 and truth be told, I had many beers when I posted. The bottom line is this:

    “Because, see, they think they’re fantastic and amazing and they’re single and there’s nothing wrong with them.”

    Um…No…with all due respect, you’ve got to get over this tendency to assume the worst in people. I know your minions will back you till the end but enough already with the cynicism.

    and BTW; I’m not wonderful…In fact, I’m flawed…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

    • C Says:

      The story sounds fictional. The waiter comment and the weekend trip to Europe sounds weird. That aside, I think theres too much cynisism too. Super hot gorgeous people who have it all together become single, and fall in love. And sometimes they fall for mere mortals. Happens. The fact that he knows how to schmooze a girl, doesnt mean he doesnt sincerely like her.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

  20. Damien Says:

    The big red flag that I see comes from “Dater X” who wrote the article, not the guy. She identifies him as “HoopTR46.” Who does that on a popular blog site?

    Either ulterior motives, or fantasy fiction.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  21. Howard Says:

    There is something called pimping in street language, that refers to getting over. It’s the mindset that drives people to just love any chance for someone else picking up the tab. I don’t believe it’s a woman thing. I believe it’s a human being thing. Good looking young gay men do it all the time with sugar daddies. There are also guys who are kept men or gigolos.

    However, way too many women have overly-internalized “Cinderella” and ” Pretty Woman”. There is nothing wrong with going for it in these situations. If it however affects your ability to deal with regular guys,then it becomes a problem. Reality check: you are most likely going to end up with a regular guy, so you don’t want to lose your ability to deal with normal.

    Expectations is your truest enemy as you run that gauntlet. If you can run it, while staying on top of your expectations, not creating future pain for yourself, then go right ahead. Just please don’t come back whining on blogs like this about the villainy of men and the unfairness of the world.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

    • avery_t Says:

      I think online dating is making this worse. In many cases, dates aren’t even happening. “Ideal men” contact women, chat them up, get into their fantasy, and never plan an actual date. The women sit around waiting and hoping and waiting and hoping and ignoring “regular” guys who contact them. They when the “ideal guy” doesn’t make a date and stops emailing, the woman complains about fading.

      Women seem very, very driven by their idea/ideal of a guy. Men usually just like hot pictures. Men get their hopes up, but don’t get emotionally invested before an actual relationship. Women tend to roll out the entire fanatasy before even a first real life “hello”.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

  22. Nicholas Says:

    Why can’t you simply accept the fact that this guy maybe, sincerely likes her? If you find yourself looking for any and all red flags in everything he/she does, then maybe you should be seeing a therapist instead of being on a dating market.

    I’m sorry for being harsh but I really don’t have much tolerance for cynicism or negativity. People like you are the exact reason why dating in NYC is becoming unnecessarily difficult for people who are seriously looking for a relationship.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 5

    • Nicholas Says:

      Just to clarify, I’m not directing this to any one particular person.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

      • C Says:

        I agree. Even if this particular story is fictious, there are stories like it that happen.

        Do people use and get used? Sure. But you dont have to be super hot to do it. One of the first dating lessons I learned was that “dating down” doesnt work. Just because you are “the best he can do” in no way garauntees that he will value you, treat you well and not dump you for someone else (likely someone less attractive then you).

        Ugly people will stab you in the back just the same as a hottie.

        Go into every situation with your eyes wide open, but theres no value in assuming that ever very good looking man or woman has maliscious intent. Sometimes the super hot blond really does fall in love with an old man.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 2

        • Goldie Says:

          *** One of the first dating lessons I learned was that “dating down” doesnt work.***

          Hah, yeah. With my ex, when I first met him, I was positive I was dating down. Guess what? So was he. Lesson learned too late. We don’t know what goes on in another person’s head, and how they view themselves.

          Hopefully, since then, I’ve become better at evaluating a man’s real self-esteem, his real worth in his own eyes. He may not look like much to me, and even make self-deprecating comments himself, he may even have actual self-esteem issues, and it is still possible that he thinks he’s done me a favor by showing up to a date – because of his superior IQ, social status, wealth, connections, or whatever other secret qualities he thinks he has. I work on getting better at spotting these types.

          With this particular guy, though, the problem is not that he is good-looking, or educated, or rich, or even all of those things (though all of those combined together in one man are already suspect, to me). He’s just way too smooth, is laying it on too thick, acts too much like a character in a rom-com movie. Like someone above commented, “might as well’ve made him a teenage vampire”.

          *** Go into every situation with your eyes wide open ***

          I didn’t see anyone advising anything other than that. No one said to turn a guy down because he’s too good. Constant vigilance should be good enough. Maybe taking twice as long to know this guy before making any serious decisions, as she would with an ordinary man. (Decision to have sex doesn’t count as a serious one in my book, so no, I am not saying that she make him wait two months before getting physical.)

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

          • C Says:

            I’ve got you beat. When I was 26 and fresh out of grad school, I got dumped for a very overweight coworker who was 20 years my senior by a very overweight 35 year olf actor who was a recovering alcoholic who frequently compained about depression. This happened to me more than once before I learned my lesson. Theres no room for insecurity and theres no way to avoid getting dumped.

            I agree that dater X’s man is laying it on thick.

            But then is the problem that he is too good to be true or is the problem that you should beware when someone lays it on too thick?

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

          • Howard Says:

            Using the society’s yardstick of hotness, wealth, fame etc, one of the two people in any relationship is always dating down. One of the two is better looking or wealthier or more whatever stupid thing we measure ourselves by. The question is, how far are we dating down? It’s kinda hard for a university professor to get it on with a high school dropout, and make it work.

            The truth is that some women are successful with getting that high status guy. That’s why their sisters keep trying. In fact when men mostly controlled everything, that was all that happened.

            The world has however changed lately with more women than men in college. Brown University and American University and many other schools are now giving affirmative action preference to men to try to get the numbers up. So White men are now getting affirmative action. It’s kinda funny, but shows the way the world is changing. Women should thus always keep their options open in terms of measuring men by more than education and money.

            I was speaking with a young man recently, and he was becrying that women are now just looking for “Ready made men”. The history of America is one of men and women building great lives together from scratch. He was wondering where those days went.

            In conclusion, dating down, always happens, and even works in some situation with vast differences, but people have to be realistic about it.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

        • avery_t Says:

          Men don’t think like that (“best he can do”). Women rank men much more than men rank women. In some part, this is due to the fact that many men fixate on body parts. For men, the face is just another body part that’s on par with legs and T& A. Also, a woman’s social standing means almost nothing to a man. Furthermore, frequency of sex can mean more than beauty. Lastly, actual sexual performance can mean more than beauty.

          If women picked me who actually gave them orgasms over men who were conventionally desirable, women might frequently pick short men over tall and ugly men over handsome men. Men will sometimes pick a girl who gives great he*d over a women who is attractive. Men care much more about what happens in bed than it what happens at a dinner party.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  23. avery_t Says:

    What startles me about this whole thing is that the woman never actually says she finds him attractive. Nor does she even say that she likes his personality. because he’s tall, dark, and handsome, we are to INFER that she finds him attractive. I guess that’s fair. But there is not LUST in this story. there is only thrill of being wanted by a wantable man. It’s more about all of a sudden becoming the popular girl in school. It’s not really about lust OR love. It’s essentially about being popular with the in crowd (or it’s the same basic premise).

    But the whole subtext of this (and it’s not even really subtext) is that ALL women are always trophy hunting. This guy is depicted as an ideal male and not exactly as some high school crush, by which I mean a handsome athletic guy whose very presence makes the woman weak and giddy. It’s more like this guy meets all the requirements on a checklist. What’s lacking for me in this description is actually horniness and lust. I can’t tell if the woman wants to f*ck this guy or if she just wants this guy to want her. See the difference? Does she want to have sex with him, or does she just want him to want to have sex with her? It’s not the same. My feeling is that what women REALLY want is to wanted by alpha males, EVEN IF THEY DO NOT ACTUALLY DESIRE THOSE ALPHA MALES. What women want is validation. They want to be chosen by men who have options.

    Therefore, if a man wants to be successful, it’s less important that he’s actually attractive and more important that he appears to have many options. Granted, the two usually go hand in hand, but it’s not always the case.

    This story seems to illustrate that women want everything ABOUT the man but maybe don’t want the actual man.

    Men are simpler: It’s almost always about raw lust. I’m a guy.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

  24. avery_t Says:

    perhaps the asnwer is this:


    a man can be tall, dark, and handsome (t,d, and h) and have a micropenis.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Oh so it was just one of those Nigerian scams to steal pajamas after all.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        Guys like this really are horrible. He knew he was scamming her. He should have at least let her take her pajamas home. That’s just a dick move.

        She acknowledged all the red flags in her last post and now she’s wondering how she didn’t see this coming and how she could have been so blind. That’s what I don’t get.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Oh so it’s okay for a woman to steal a guy’s “earplugs” but it’s not okay for a guy to steal pajamas? What a double standard. I’m through with this bullshit. This is my last comment. And I’m reporting you to the better business bureau.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

          • ATWYSingle Says:

            Where’s the part where you ask for – nay, DEMAND – an apology??

            Now she’s going to write three posts about how she tries to get her sweatpants back.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

        • mindstar Says:

          She can’t admit she saw this coming, even after acknowledging the red flags because to do so would make her responsible for her situation. For more ego boosting to play the victim card.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

          • Yvonne Says:

            Well, she’s only 26. It’s easy to get sucked in, especially at that age. And yet, it’s only been 2 days and she’s flipping out. while things don’t look good, wait a couple more days, and then we can all form a posse and hang him…

            OTOH, I can’t help but say that this loser may well have a stack of trophy pajamas he’s collected from starry-eyed young ladies. What a creep.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

          • C Says:

            Sorry but if someone who normally replies quickly suddenly doesnt reply for a couple of days, I would assume either he was in a terrible accident or he doesnt want to talk to me any more. I doubt anyone in advertising can live without his cell phone for more than a few hours.

            He may have just lost interest. I mean if he just wanted to pump and dump, why string her along?

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

          • C Says:

            I vote that he will be back. Something about this one smells like a guy who plans to reappear and disappear again…maybe several times.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

          • Goldie Says:

            *** I mean if he just wanted to pump and dump, why string her along? ***

            Because, from what I understand, he hasn’t even pumped yet.

            I agree, he might be back for more ego boost and to close the deal.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

    • Goldie Says:

      Silly question, but what if he really is sick, out of town, or what have you? I mean, it’s only been two days. Isn’t it too early to call it a ghosting yet? Not saying that he didn’t ghost her, or that he didn’t trigger a ton of red flags, just that two days still seems too soon for me to start mourning a budding relationship or whatever it was the two of them had.

      The part about her PJs is the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard of. Perhaps this dude has a fetish and collects random women’s yoga pants?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

      • Yvonne Says:

        Part of me thinks that, too, but the other part wonders how hard it is to send a little text, “Sorry, I’m sick”, or whatever.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      • BostonRobin Says:

        Or what if he’s dead or in intensive care? Then won’t we feel bad, so bitter and cynical… :P

        No, nothing good ever comes of this sort of thing. The guy’s an asshole. Beginning with the text-cancellations and “blah blah sick” stories, all by text.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 1

    • Tinker Says:

      Let’s hope those weren’t lulu lemon yoga pants. Not a cheap lesson

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

      • BTownGirl Says:

        Tinker, I was actually thinking “If some dude scammed me out of the yoga pants that make my behind look like it sits about 3 inches higher than it actually does…I would be pissed. Nay, incensed!”

        Seriously though, it could have been worse. The waste of oxygen I mentioned above just casually threw it out there during our romantic vacation *side eye* that he thought I’d be great at running my own business (I’m an interior designer now, but at the time I was so new in the field I didn’t even have my certification yet) and I should march into my boss’ office and quit my job upon our return, because he BELIEVES in me and I’m so freaking talented he wants to be my business partner. Can. You. Imagine. If. I’d. Been. THAT. DUMB.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

  25. Philo Says:

    It is entirely possible that this guy has self-esteem issues and might not realize what a catch he is. He may be chased by women everyday but not realize that’s what they’re doing. Maybe he cluelessly is by himself so much because he doesn’t realize his options, which would explain why he is online and why he is coming on so strong to her.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 6

  26. Emily Says:

    Ok so her story sounds EXACTLY like something that happened with me on match, and I’m done with that site after that guy. This guy , let’s call him Neil, had a great job, smart, really attractive, made good money…. And the scenario played out almost exactly the same as this girl’s situation. The catch? He was a come from nothing self made guy, with a chip on his shoulder, and had other girls on the side that he slowly faded in after a couple months. Also he finally started asking me what I made after about 3 months of dating, and was very disappointed that I – a young professional with an advanced degree – wasn’t making bank.

    A week after learning that he called out of the blue, told me he was depressed and on medication and that he couldn’t be in a relationship anymore.

    I have since seen him out with other women, going to the same places he took me. And the kicker? I knew all along deep down that something was majorly fishy and too good to be true. Trust your intuition!!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  27. Anonymous Man Says:

    The assumption that women will be emailing an attractive man so he doesn’t have to do any emailing is bunk. I have been told that my pics reflect a GQ look, and even so, when I compare my number of emails to those received by some buddies of mine who are not as successful or photogenic, they are about the same.

    Study after study show that women do NOT email men that often. Only about 25% who are online do so. And those that do, usually do NOT go after a man they see as being out of their league. This article falls right into the BS myths out there that keep women from being proactive and finding love.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  28. NB Says:

    Not overly suspicious. I went on one date with a guy on par with this one, but the defining difference was that he was very unassuming and never mentioned the depth and scope of his accomplishments (like a Pulitzer Prize), unless I asked. When we first met, he simply said he was a journalist and professor. He mentioned his travels only when I mentioned living in a city he loved. Men who make a point to detail their sophistication in the first few dates, rather than letting things unfold naturally, are a) trying to get laid and b) insecure. Any guy with his supposed stats should be secure enough not to feel the need to impress you in this manner. This was nothing but a very well orchestrated attempt to get laid. He’s probably done it so many times that it comes naturally to him, which makes it all the more effective.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  29. Nyte Says:

    Excuse while I laugh. This is a discussion about whether or not the story, the author or the aforementioned male are real.

    I have but one comment. If you are sleeping with men outside of marriage, the real marker of commitment,

    You shouldn’t be expecting any level of sincere anything in the way of a relationship. I am always amazed by women who carouse with men who carouse and then complain about red flags. When the flags are flying in both camps —

    come now — take some responsibility for such choices. Oh wait, I forgot men control women’s bodies and minds.

    Never mind.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

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