He Broke Up With You Because You Wouldn’t Sleep With Him. You’re Welcome.

March 27th, 2014

Dating 2.0, Moxie 101, NEW!, Sex

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): NAsex_1822123c
:
Comment: I’ve been dating a guy for 6 weeks.He is 34 and has never been married. He seems to have a history of dating very good looking blond women, and I’m an ethnic woman (same ethnicity as him almost), with darker skin and although attractive to most, I’m wouldn’t call myself super hot

I followed all of your guidelines- I let him ask me out, said yes most every time, and let him text/contact me first. Things went quite well this way. We ended up spending 2-3 days a week together, either out or eating/cooking together at his house with his sister. He often told me I was “amazing,” we got along quite well, and we had a lot of fun together physically and just hanging out. He was extremely affectionate and we were kind to each other. We are from similar ethnic backgrounds and I could tell him and his sister were almost scoping me out for “marriage” so to speak. And many of our encounters would involve me cooking for him, taking care of him when he had a cold, or giving him a massage for his soreness after a sports trip.

After the 6th week, I noticed he was becoming a bit distant. He called/texted less and and claimed to be busy the entire weekend (so far, we had spent a good amount of the weekends together). I would normally hear from him everyday, and after 3 days of no communication over a weekend, I texted him to see if he was okay. He called me and pretended nothing was wrong, and very non nonchalantly said we should grab dinner this week (i.e. a major step back from the past 6 weeks).

Since I had become friends with his sister, I mentioned to her that we will likely end up as friends. She said he had only said good things about me and that I was marriage material. However the next day she spoke to him and finally told me that he told her he wasn’t attracted to me because of the “blotches” on my skin. I am darker skinned, and my skin isn’t terrible but I do have some darker spots or melanin here and there from past acne. However, most people wouldn’t notice (and I’ve dated quite a bit – usually my er- and I would think if flawless skin was important to him, its something he would have noticed weeks ago before pursuing me.

I called him after hearing this to very nicely say I think we’d be best as friends and I felt maybe the attraction wasn’t there, and he said “I like so many things about you and you are one of the most amazing people I have met. I wasn’t there yet (at friendship), I thought we were still getting to know each other (i.e. dating). I still want to get to know each other (i.e. date).” But after hearing what he told his sister, I couldn’t really continue dating him as my ego was a bit crushed.

I’m very curious as to what happened. He was affectionate, sexually aggressive (although we didn’t have sex at my request), and so kind to me – then suddenly he pulls away for a few days and tells his sister he isn’t attracted to me because of my skin (which she decides to tell me). Then when I try to end things with him in a very nice way (without telling him what I know), he admits he was pulling away, but says he still wants to get to know each other and date.

What is going on and what did I do wrong? Did I misread something? I’m totally confused by this whole situation. I know he wanted to date a girl in his same race, but maybe he couldn’t get past that? And if that was the case, why did he seem so attracted to me and make moves each time? And why would would a guy keep asking you out and calling you if he wasn’t sure or attracted to you physically?

Thank you!
Age: 30
City: Toronto
State: ONT

 

Your skin had nothing to do with it. That’s just what he told his sister because he didn’t want to tell her the real reason, which was that you weren’t sleeping with him. If he said that to his sister she’d call him a pig and they’d get into a row and omigod I’m telling Mom.

I guess what baffles me most about this is that you don’t even seem to have considered that the lack of sex was the problem. He wants sex. You’re not giving it to him. He’s losing interest. That’s your answer. It’s very cut and dry. No sex, no relationship. Easy Peasy.

He’s not going to tell you he’s backing away because of the lack of sex. He knows that, if he does, you’ll think he’s a dick. That’s why he’s not saying anything. He still wants to date you, just as long as there is sex involved. If it’s not, buh bye. And he’s not wrong or bad for wanting that. How much longer should he wait? What more does he need to do? What other steps must he take? That’s what he is thinking. He feels as though he’s completed all the requirements to merit him some sexy time. He’s done trying. Most guys in his situation would do the exact same thing. Frankly, I’m surprised he waited six weeks to punch out. He needs sex to see if the relationship has legs. A lot of people need that step in order to determine compatibility.

You should bring up the issue of the lack of sex in the relationship. Talk to him about it. Try to come to some kind of understanding. Either he’ll accept your reasons for not being ready or he won’t. But if he doesn’t, he’s not necessarily a jerk for walking away. Just remember that.

 

 

 

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57 Responses to “He Broke Up With You Because You Wouldn’t Sleep With Him. You’re Welcome.”

  1. Damien Says:

    Maybe Moxie is right, or maybe he just didn’t find any sexual attraction after giving it his best go.

    The former is more likely, because six weeks is a long time to cut bait.

    However, the latter is also possible, because this guy might have personal issues that delays his ability to cut the chase sooner.

    Either way, move on, and be more sexually open next time.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 12

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    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “maybe he just didn’t find any sexual attraction after giving it his best go.”

      Within seconds of meeting a gal, I’m either attracted to her or not. If not, I don’t ask her out (again, for online dates). I don’t get this idea (most often heard from women, but a few men) that attraction builds over time; that sounds like someone trying to justify sleeping with someone they’re not really attracted to.

      I can understand waiting to (or deciding not to) act on attraction, for various reasons, but that is a different matter.

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  2. yb Says:

    It sounds to me like he was dating you to test the waters and try something “new”. Maybe even to appease his sister/ family. You mentioned he does not typically date within his race. Maybe he thought he was ready to settle down with one his “peeps” and after 6 weeks, he decided he really was not.

    Coming from an ethnic background, this sounds very familiar. The guy is conflicted about settling down with someone his family would approve of yet finds the lure of the modern non-traditional woman irresistible.

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    • Damein Says:

      I have to fully agree with yb here.

      When I said “this guy might have personal issues that delays his ability to cut the chase sooner” above, yb’s explanation is exactly the kind I had in mind.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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  3. yb Says:

    “Then when I try to end things with him in a very nice way (without telling him what I know), he admits he was pulling away, but says he still wants to get to know each other and date.”

    And this, this means he no longer wants to court you exclusively (as it sounds he was doing for those 6 weeks). This is him asking your permission to date you and others concurrently. Keeping his options open.

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  4. No Disrespect Says:

    I usually agree with what Moxie says, but if I’m reading this right… Nooooooooo!!!!

    IMO, DON’T get back in touch with him. He’s already let you loose. Talking to him about lack of sex now after he’s broken up with you just sounds clingy. Of course, he wants sex. (And if you do talk to him and come to this conclusion… DON’T SLEEP WITH HIM!) I’m pretty certain he’s moved on. You should too.

    Live and learn for next time.

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  5. Tinker Says:

    Like Moxie said, I’m certain this isn’t about your skin- he just had to tell his sister something. You say there was no sex but was there any physical affection? Making out? Something that showed progression?
    If it’s not the sex issue it could also be that he tried dating someone almost his ethnicity ( what does that mean anyway? Are y’all from different parts of the Caribbean or something?) and determined it’s just not where his heart was. I say this because having his sister so heavily involved from such an early stage speaks to family pressure/interference to me.

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  6. HammersAndNails Says:

    Moxie is spot on. Don’t know why the rest of you are trying to make it complicated when it’s very simple.

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  7. Luke Says:

    You’re a femininny

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  8. Yvonne Says:

    I’m not getting why brother has to lie to sister. If it’s about the sex and he doesn’t want to tell his sister, why not make up something vague? The “blotches” on NA’s skin is a pretty specific complaint.

    I also have to wonder how attracted to NA he actually was. It’s possible he was ok with the lack of sex because the physical attraction wasn’t really there. Maybe NA was someone he thought he should date, be attracted to, and get serious about because of their similar ethnic backgrounds. But that’s not how he was feeling. If this guy always dates blonds, it’s likely that’s the type he’s really attracted to, but possibly his family would prefer a woman of similar ethnicity for marriage.

    “We had a lot of fun together physically”, sounds like there was some making out involved. The sister saying that she’s “marriage material” – all of this leads me to believe that he wasn’t that physically attracted although he may have wanted to be because of the ethnic similarity. At his age, he may be feeling some family pressure to settle down.

    IMO, it’s rather rude that the sister told NA about her brother’s issues with her skin. OTOH, maybe it will save her some trouble in the long run to know how he really feels. And I do get the sense that the family is very involved in his life, which may also be a cultural thing, and implies some family pressure.

    And why didn’t NA ask him why he was pulling away?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 17 Thumb down 8

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    • jane Says:

      I agree with you. Moxie’s advice always leans towards sex, which I have no doubt is a reason for some men to leave, but relationship oriented men arent necessarily as ‘sex me within x dates or Im outta here’ the way this blog constantly suggests. I really think its more about the ethnicity stuff too. He’s probably under pressure to date a marriage appropriate partner, maybe he himself also thought when we was ready for marriage he’d settle down with a respectable girl from the same culture…but now that he’s there, there is something holding him back. Maybe he struggles to be physically attracted to women of his culture, even though he does want a future with one its an inner conflict for him. I’ve move on, because you arent going to get the level of interest from him that you deserve OP, but I dont think you did anything wrong here.

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  9. msM. Says:

    It actually sounds like the OP was a very acceptable choice to his FAMILY but not to him. I don’t know about the sex, it sounds like it was a bigger issue, she represents sticking to the “old ways” and he’s grown up in American culture, he likes it that way.

    He tried with the OP and can’t do it. I am thinking – being 100% ignorant on this – that because they come from a very similar (ethnic/religious) background, they are not supposed to have sex at this stage??? I don’t know though, just guessing. I am thinking the sex & american culture thing are split on one side, and the family preference in on another side. They don’t mix to him. Not yet anyway.

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  10. LostSailor Says:

    Moxie’s got this one.

    Two to three days a week, including most weekends for six weeks is a lot of time together. He’s described as affectionate, fun, and seems to me enthusiastic about NA and the relationship. She seemed interested and nurturing, things that a guy usually looks for in a woman. And he being 34 and she 30, it certainly sounds like he’s likely looking to settle down. NA describes him as “sexually aggressive” and that there was some level of physicality to the relationship, yet no actual sex at her “request.” And there it is.

    It’s not her ethnicity or her skin, it the lack of sex. I’ve often said that a man who is interested will wait for sex if there is progression of physical intimacy, and I stand by that, but there is a limit to how physical intimacy can slowly escalate before reaching the threshold of “doing it.” And it seems that point was reached here.

    Now, NA doesn’t provide any details about why she didn’t want to sleep with him. If it was just trying to follow some script of not having sex too soon to lock down commitment, then it backfired here. He seemed pretty engaged in the relationship, and Moxie’s absolutely correct that for most men, sex is a major component of building a relationship and determining compatibility, not a reward at the end of the process. Even pursuing a strategy of doling out sex for commitment, you still have to pull that trigger at some point, and NA might have misjudged that point.

    Of course, there may be other reasons she didn’t want to have sex even though other parts of the relationship seemed to be going very well. The further question then is did she talk to him about her reasons?

    Can this relationship be salvaged? Possibly, but it would take some honest communication and, yes, sex. If the relationship has any possibility of success, this may only be a speed bump, something all relationships go through, and if they can get past this, they might succeed.

    The only other thing I’d say to NA is quit talking about the relationship with the sister behind the guy’s back. There’s nothing that will send a guy around the bend than involving family in his love life like this. It’s kind of manipulative and disrespectful. It’s only been 6 weeks, NA, focus on him, not the “friendship” with the sister. There’ll be time for that later.

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  11. D. Says:

    Moxie’s analysis could be right, but I don’t think it’s necessarily the only one. Frankly, I think the answer is pretty simple. What happened is things didn’t go the way NA planned, so she pulled the ripcord.

    Let’s note that NA is the one who said “Let’s just be friends.” Let’s also note that, as she was saying this, he seemed to still be interested in dating her. Lastly, let’s note that NA went to the sister after confronting the guy and not getting an answer she believed. In essence, rather than deal with the guy directly, NA hit up the sister for info.

    So, yeah, maybe the guy told his sister this stuff. Maybe it was bullshit. Maybe he wanted sex, but maybe he was also cool with waiting. But the bottom line on “what happened” is that NA called it off. NA, not the guy. She got scared she’d get disappointed by this guy, so she ended it.

    As a side note, I don’t know what the story is with the sister being as heavily involved in this guy’s life as she apparently is. At 6 weeks, I’m BARELY thinking about introducing my date to my friends, let alone my family. If my date had introduced me to her family, even if I was becoming friendly with them, I damn sure wouldn’t be hitting them up for information on what my date thinks of me. I’d rather hear it from my date and make my own decisions based on that.

    In the future, I’d avoid using the friends/family as information sources, even if you become friends with them. It puts them on the spot, and may require them to breach a confidence to tell you the truth.

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    • Goldie Says:

      Yeah I’m not a big fan of going to third parties for answers to personal questions. They will either not know the answers, but make something up anyway just to be helpful, or they’ll put a spin on their answer to make it serve their purpose. OP should’ve considered the possibility of getting a BS answer from this guy’s sister. Breaking up based on what’s likely a BS answer, does not strike me as a good idea. Something the OP might want to avoid doing in the future.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I kind of assumed the guy lived with his sister (she’s there when they’re cooking together). Still weird to me to have her so involved, but would explain why she’s around a lot.

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      • D. Says:

        I assumed so as well, but it wasn’t explicitly stated, so I wasn’t 100% sure. Even so, why not just do stuff at her place, instead of at his place? I kinda think that meeting and hanging out with the sister may have suggested things moving faster/more significantly than they actually were, and that the OP used the connection with the sister to manufacture more of a connection with the guy. Hence turning to the sister when the guy wasn’t saying enough to mollify the OP’s anxieties.

        Even so, I’d NEVER ask a good friend or sibling of someone I was dating why my date wasn’t paying as much attention to me. First, it’s none of their goddamn business what’s going on between us, and second, to me that’d almost seem like a violation of privacy. Granted, it’s not like hacking their email, but it still suggests you don’t trust what the person is telling you and aren’t patient enough to let things play out.

        And really, that’s what I see in this story: a lot of anxiety, and not a lot of patience. She wouldn’t take the guy’s comment of “nothing’s wrong. We’re fine” at face value. She went digging for more info from the sister. Then she didn’t like what the sister said, so she pulled the trigger and ended it rather than let the guy end it or even talk to him about it. Given the guy’s response, it’s entirely possible that what his sister said was bullshit, and he was genuinely interested. Or he could’ve just been saying he wanted to play things out because he felt guilty. Who knows.

        But the bottom line is that the OP certainly DOESN’T know, because she wanted to control the situation too much and couldn’t let go enough to see where it went. Hence the meddling with the sister, and shutting down the relationship based on that (and the guy’s perceived sudden change in behavior).

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    • Howard Says:

      A good alternate analysis. Women who think a guy is hot, do let things progress. That she didn’t, speaks volumes. Of course, we have to get the sob story afterwards, that lets her off the hook for wasting his time. It’s important for her to see it in her head, as him being the one who wasted her time rather than her wasting his.

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  12. Yvonne Says:

    If it was simply a matter of the boyfriend wanting to go all the way, why wouldn’t he just say that? If a man wants sex, he’s going to ask for it, or express his frustration. He’s not going to passively accept no sex without saying anything, especially not after 6 weeks and spending 2-3 days a week together.

    However, if he wasn’t all that attracted to her, and prefers women not of his ethnic background, that’s a more difficult thing to admit to his sister (and maybe to himself). My guess is that the “blotches on her skin” story was a euphemism for that. And the OP herself asks, “I know he wanted to date a girl in his same race, but maybe he couldn’t get past that?” He still might feel conflicted about continuing to date her, though.

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    • HammersAndNails Says:

      He did. She turned him down. Now she doesn’t like the consequences. I’m baffled how eager everyone is to buy all the nonsense about race and family. This guy was spending every weekend with her and seeing her two or the times a week. And she still denied him. Why is no one speculating that she was not really into him? This guy was the patient fool you ladies say you want. I would have cut her loose a long time ago. Say what you want, but words are just hot air. people who like sex have it.

      Obviously that’s not what he tells his sister.

      “He was affectionate, sexually aggressive (although we didn’t have sex at my request)”

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      • Yvonne Says:

        It’s easy to dismiss the race and family issues if you are not of an ethnic or religious background that isn’t tolerant of inter-marriage. I’m from a background like that, and I can tell you that you are very much underestimating its importance.

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        • HammersAndNails Says:

          I have no idea what point are you even trying to make? What interracial dating issues do a couple that is not interracial face?

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        • manwich Says:

          Why was he affectionate and sexually aggressive if he just wanted a trophy to impress his family?

          This guy did everything a guy does when he wants to date. Op created the obstacles. She made up the ulterior motives.

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      • Tinker Says:

        While I think sex is a likely culprit here, let’s not go off the deep end with ‘patient fool’. It was a month and a half.

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        • mindstar Says:

          True but that month and half period involved “spending 2-3 days a week together” and further per the OP “we had spent a good amount of the weekends together”.

          Even assuming the weekends were the “2-3 days a week together” that still works out to between 12 to 18 “dates”. There are not many men who will go on 18 dates with a woman and not want sex. She certainly had time to get to know him, she’d met his sister etc. He just got tired of waiting.

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          • Tinker Says:

            Very valid point

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          • manwich Says:

            Yeah, that’s a lot of time to bond without developing a sexual relationship.

            My closest, most trusting relationships in this world are with other heterosexual men. These relationships take time to slowly evolve. I’ve never met a dude so cool I wanted to immediately start spending 3-4 nights per week hanging out. That would be awkward.

            Only sexual chemistry can bond two strangers to spend that much time together. You can only enjoy so much mini golf and Scrabble before a relationship has to move to stage 2. When you run out of things to talk about, but you aren’t having hot sex, it gets stagnant.

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          • Howard Says:

            If you are a woman past thirty years old, and you are around date number fifteen with a man, and you have not had sex with him, then you really don’t think he is that hot. Please end it. And if he does end it, don’t go through this much attempting to make a guy seem bad. You are not 18 years old. Either you are willing to play the whole game or not. OP, most guys would have cut you off a long time ago.

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  13. jaclyn Says:

    I think the above commenters have pointed out the two likely scenarios above: Moxie’s suggestion that it was a lack of sex that doomed the relationship (which is quite likely) and also the possibility that he wanted to make his family happy by dating and hopefully marrying a woman of his own race, and he decided six weeks later that this isn’t what he wants. The lack of sex during dating may have scared him, since many men are concerned about the effects of marriage on their sex life.

    I don’t think there is anything you can do to fix the situation, but if the latter explanation was the case, he might come back when he is ready to settle down. It would be interesting to see whether or not he goes back to dating blonde shiksas or if he continues dating people of his own race. You might not find out until his marriage if he ever had any intention of marrying outside of his race.

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  14. manwich Says:

    This sounds like another case of self-sabotage blamed on the man. So he dated a few blonds. That doesn’t make him a racist. So he was sexually aggressive, yeah, men like sex. So he talked behind her back about her imperfections. Everyone does that. OP kinda did that by writing this letter. What if I were his treacherous sister and told him what I read here? “hey dude, that girl you like posted on the internet that she thinks you’re shallow, sexually aggressive, and only date blonds”.

    Every human being on the planet is a mix of positive and negative qualities. Even Victoria’s Secret models need a little air brushing. We all assess a new partner as a mix of pros and cons. Sometimes we have candid conversations with our close friends to sort this stuff out. Women do this too. I’m sure the OP told her BFF things about this guy she wouldn’t want him to hear. If the splotchy skin were such a distraction, he wouldn’t have wasted 6 weeks of his life on her. He added the pros and cons and decided to go for it. He put forth the effort. Judge a guy by his actions, not gossip. Insider knowledge could ruin any relationship. This guy’s only mistake was trusting his sister. Who’s side is she on?

    If you want to date someone, but are afraid they might be losing interest, don’t dump them. That’s the worst thing you can do. If I gave a woman six weeks of my life, and she denied my sexual advances, then suggested putting me in the friend zone, I’d take the hint and walk away. Men with dignity don’t beg. The fact that he even suggested trying to keep something going suggests the poor fella really liked this girl. Thanks sis!

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    • D. Says:

      Bingo. Everything in this story suggested to me that the OP just got cold feet, and that the sister may have blabbed about shit she should’ve kept under her hat.

      For all those saying “He dumped her because he didn’t get sex,” let’s bear in mind that SHE dumped HIM, while continuing to wonder why he’d stopped paying attention quite as much.

      Maybe he lost interest, sure, but maybe he was legitimately busy.

      Here’s how this story might be written from his perspective.

      “So, normally I date all kinds of women, not usually of my own race, but I met this one girl who seemed really cool AND who was my same race. She got along well with my sister, too! Bonus!

      Things were great. We’d been dating for about six weeks. We hung out all the time, like, 2-3 times a week. We’d go out or cook at my place (I love cooking — doubly so with someone whose company I enjoy), and even though she said she wanted to take it slowly physically, I wasn’t that worried. There was plenty of physical affection, and I thought that as long as I was patient, she’d come around eventually. I was in no rush.

      That was until last week when I got busy with some things at work, and had a few other social engagements going on. I was also waking up early and crashing early, so I wasn’t really up for chats on the phone like usual, or long text conversations. Then one day, out of the blue, she tells me she wants to just keep it as friends. WTF?!

      I told her I thought that seemed premature to just say ‘let’s be friends,’ which everyone knows means ‘let’s not talk to each other any more.’ I told her I wanted to keep dating her, and was still enjoying her company and getting to know her, and that I thought she was awesome. No luck, though. She said she just wanted to be friends.

      I have no idea why. I mean, I know she talked with my sister some, but the only thing I can think of that MIGHT have bothered her was the one time my sister asked me if I’d noticed these, like, blotches on her skin, and had asked if I liked them. I told her I’d seen them, and that I thought they weren’t her best feature, but I honestly didn’t really care about them. I mean, she’s got blotchy skin, I’ve got hairy forearms. Who cares, right? We were having an awesome time — or so I thought — and that’s what matters most to me. I just don’t get it. What the hell happened?”

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Yeah, he “accidnetally” disappeared for the whole weekend. Oops! He must be one of those confused zombies that doesn’t know what he wants. Unlike us of course.

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        • D. Says:

          Who said it was accidental?

          My point was that nobody knows the reason why the guy wasn’t calling or didn’t hang out that weekend. You don’t. I sure don’t. And the OP definitely doesn’t. We could guess, but that’s all we’re doing: guessing.

          So, yeah, maybe it was that he didn’t get sex, or it was the blotchy skin, or it was something else entirely that nobody here has thought of.

          My point is more that nobody knows the truth as to why he was out of contact, but all of that misses the point that she ended it, not him.

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            No. He ended it. It’s not random guessing, we are drawing conclusions based on our experience. How people behave. Your proposed scenario is ridiculous in that it bears no relationship to how any human type being would behave. People do not blunder through life obliviously as you suggest. They make decisions and take actions and sometimes one can discern motivation from those actions. Sure, it’s not always mathematical precision but that doesn’t mean it’s not a worthwhile exercise.

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  15. J Says:

    Sounds like you’re lucky to be rid of him. If you don’t want to give it up, you don’t. His loss. This is coming from a guy. I tend to think there’s more to this than sex. Sex is often the implied excuse but sometimes there are other issues. Interracial dating is often not accepted as it isn’t in my family.

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    • manwich Says:

      I’ve known some really marvelous people who just happened to have blond hair. Don’t be a hater.

      “He seems to have a history of dating very good looking blond women”, is purely conjecture on the part of the OP. If ya live in the suburbs and everyone is white, who ya gonna date?

      This guy did nothing wrong. To assume some flaw in his character because of some ex-girlfriend’s hair color is almost racist.

      I’ve dated a lot of red-heads. It’s not a preference, just a coincidence. That doesn’t make me some kind of nefarious ginger farmer with a little orphan Annie fetish.

      If I met an interesting woman of some other ethnicity, I’d date her. If she had a splotchy complexion, I might talk to a friend about it, but I wouldn’t peruse her unless I were attracted to the whole package.

      If we went 6 weeks without sex, I’d probably start losing interest.

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      • Tinker Says:

        I don’t think she brought up the blonde thing to imply he was wrong, more to deacribe his aesthetic which, if they are from the carribean ( just guessing) is very far off from hers. I truly believe the OP thinks this is about her looks, which is the only reason blonde was mentioned.

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        • manwich Says:

          She seems to be jumping to conclusions about his history. So he dated a few blonds. So what. Maybe he is sick of blonds. Maybe he lives in a neighborhood where his type is rare. It doesn’t say that he only dates blonds, just “seems to have a history”. that could be a coincidence. Where did she hear about this? the gossipy sister?

          He obviously tried to date the OP, so he obviously doesn’t exclusively date blonds. She should judge him by his actions. He did nothing wrong, except trust his sister.

          Every one of us would be hurt if we could hear the things our lovers confide to their best friends. I’m sure she is hurt, but that’s the price of digging for too much information.

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          • Howard Says:

            Rejection is a bitch. That rejection made him think about where he was going; maybe even expressing a little sour grapes with the comment to his sister.

            The rejection the OP now seems to feel, leads to this sob story. I don’t think she felt this guy was hot, to begin with. Her thinking, how dare he be the one pulling the fade?

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  16. dina Says:

    it sounds like they didn’t go out much and most dates happened at his place with the sister always buzzing around. why was the sister always around? is she a chaperone? and the op doesn’t know if these “blonde” women were “very good looking” as she states — they could have been ugly brunettes who dye their hair blonde to get a guy’s attention. i think the op is reading too much into it. and why was the op taking care of him? please, he’s a big boy, he can take care of himself at 34 years old. and if he can’t, then don’t bother with him. i think the op was just was saying she was taking care of him to show she’s “wifey” material. please, get over yourself, get your head out of your a$$, (sorry to be so blunt), but i think the op is sounding pretty desperate and old world. i don’t think she was being real. i think she was catering to him to make a good impression, not being herself, just trying to impress on him she’d make a good wife. grow up now.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Well, what a pleasant, nurturing, kind peach of a person you are, dina!

      Yeah, actually caring about and caring for someone is so 20th century and too old school. Who the fuck does that anymore? Only people who are faking it, trying to get one over someone and make an “impression.” Only people who have their head up their ass, who need to get over themselves and grow the fuck up would ever lower themselves to help tend someone when they are ill. Suckers!

      He’s a grown-ass man and if he’s lame enough to not be able to get his own damn soup or get to the drug store for a prescription because he’s shivering with a fever in bed, well, fuck him, he’s not worth even bothering with, the putz.

      It’s women like dina who are out there keepin’ it real!!!

      So, dina, you go grrrrl, keep keepin’ it real!

      No seriously, go. Just go. Keep it “real” as far away from actual human beings as possible. Seriously…

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      • Dori Says:

        Maybe Dina is Dater X?

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      • C Says:

        Yeah, stupid NA!! Real women can grab a hot guy by the balls, bring him home, bang his brains out and throw his drunk a$$ out when he starts puking. Like this is the 21st century! Like why would you even want just one man anyway when you can be having yourself nasty sex with 4 different baby daddies when they swing by to drop off a box of Pampers?! Hey! Woop! Woop!

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      • dina Says:

        OMG, lol, you crack me up, but i’m not surprised at all by your response. there is no reason to be so vested in a guy after 6 weeks. please… she was so easy. he had her at Hello. she was always always always available to him. dating 101, why are you so available? please. she played herself out, he got bored, he got out. or maybe after 6 weeks, he decided there wasn’t enough there to continue a relationship. idk what happened,that’s just my speculation.

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  17. mindstar Says:

    Nailed it LS. This morning I heard one of the secretaries (mid 20s) expressing shock and confusion that her mother had suggested it might be nice if she brought some soup or hot food to her sick boyfriend this weekend. Her response “We always eat out. I don’t cook for him when he’s well why would I do it when he’s sick?”

    I pity the youth of today.

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    • LostSailor Says:

      Mindstar, it may be the usual uncaring “fuck you” attitude, but in this case it might be for the best. If she’s mid-20s, she probably can’t actually cook anyway and it won’t help to poison the dude.

      Of course, picking up some take-out soup or opening a can of Campbell’s isn’t really rocket science, but then she’d probably have to pay for it herself and may have forgotten how. I hope the poor guy doesn’t starve…

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  18. Lisa Says:

    I’m thinking the sister is a little shady. Who does that? She would betray her own brother’s confidence to side w/ the OP who she’s known a few weeks? Or she’s his wingman…which would be more believable but still unscrupulous. I don’t buy for a second that the boyfriend doesn’t know about their conversation…i.e., splotchy skin. You KNOW that would get back to him if they get back together. I think the guy met someone else or just lost interest. The sister was caught offgaurd by the OP’s phone call. She bitched out her brother for putting her in the middle and he told his sister what to say to get the OP to leave them both alone.

    Why the boyfriend lost interest, IDK. Could have been due to lack of sex or a better option presented itself or the OP relegatede herself into the friendzone or for any reason.

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  19. ATWYSingle Says:

    It’s truly astonishing to me the way some of you can deconstruct this to the point that you have.

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  20. nb Says:

    You rejected his sexual advances for six weeks; why are you surprised that he left? And how into him could you have been if you din’t want to have sex with him after six weeks? Sex is part of the deal when you date, and if men don’t get that in a reasonable amount of time they will of course move on to someone who is more attracted to them.

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    • C Says:

      Different culture, different rules. Maybe she wants a traditional guy and that means something different in her culture then it does in yours. My cousin is in his mid 20s and is engaged to a woman he has never been alone with. Not everyone plays by the same rules.

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      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        Perhaps the OP rejected his advances for cultural reasons, but if he was “sexually aggressive”, he apparently doesn’t share her views on that issue, and the same analysis applies.

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  21. Howard Says:

    Extremely good analysis by Moxie. I am not so sure about the advice. When the magic comes out of these things before intimacy, the chances of revival are pretty low. Sex is a thing that just has to happen without any one person forcing too much, or the other person feeling the obligation to have sex. The OP should learn from this and realize going forward, ignoring a thing, gets you nowhere.

    I am going to say something that will probably get some women upset, but here goes. When a woman thinks a man is that amazing, she is not going to put him off in the sex department for six weeks, without at least showing some empathy for what’s going on with him.

    A Man does internalize feelings of insecurity when a woman tells him to wait for six weeks, especially if he has been seeing her two to three times a week. Maybe he shouldn’t feel insecure, but he does, he feels like a chump. And he knows that at some point in that woman’s life, some guy has, or will get her to have sex with much less effort. Now that is the real poison that makes him feel even more insecure.

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