Tinder Tests

April 2nd, 2014

Moxie 101, NEW!, OKCupid, Online Dating, Tinder

A good friend just sent me a conversation he had with a 30-year old woman he met on Tinder.tindermatch

The first question she asks after they exchange the initial round of “Hey, we matched” conversation was, “So what do you do for work?” She sent him two messages in a row. He replied to her initial email but not the second one asking what he did for work. He wasn’t intentionally dodging the question. He just replied to her first message. They chat some more and make plans to meet. Once again she asks him what he does for a living. And once again she sends a second message before he can reply to the first asking where he went to school.

Since they had plans to meet that night, and because Tinder is a pain in the ass to use to communicate, my friends says, “Why don’t we cover that stuff over drinks tonight?”

She replies and says she’s going to pass, saying she didn’t think she was asking anything too out there.

“I just wanted to get a little more info before meeting” she said.

Well, no. She wanted to see how much he was going to disclose to her and hoped to determine that he wasn’t unemployed. As an aside, I’ll say this. Jumping immediately to the what do you do for work/where did you go to school questions is a sign of poor conversation skills. If you can’t come up with anything else besides those two questions when you’re initially making conversation with someone, it’s safe to say that you’re a bore.

As I’ve mentioned before, Tinder is going to separate the wheat from the chaff within the singles scene. It’s not for the faint of heart. You have to be willing to forgo all the usual messaging and get to know you steps if you wish to use it to your advantage. Personally, I bail when any Tinder match tries to converse with me beyond 3 emails. It’s just far too arduous to sit on my phone and type. The only way to engage someone on Tinder is through your phone or iPad or tablet. Most people use their phone. This is another reason why people are ghosting faster. Writing messages while using your phone is a pain in the butt, fraught with typos and screen shifts and the like.

My guess is that my friend’s Tinder match thought he was being dodgy by not answering those questions.  I can see that. It’s important to realize that those questions are immediate red flags to most men. A woman might think she’s “just making conversation” but most men know that’s not the case. She’s trying to get details to check him out or she’s testing him to see how much will reveal to her, a stranger.It’s a hoop, and most people hate hoops.

People know when someone is on a fishing expedition. People also know when they’re being tested. As the digital dating scene continues to intensify and move faster, the people who needs to have all their boxes checked and T’s crossed are going to lose out.

Be warned.




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64 Responses to “Tinder Tests”

  1. C Says:

    I guess I dont really understand what the problem was. She only dates men who meet her criteria and she assumed your friend doesnt and decided to pass. No harm no foul. Next! In any event, she sounds tacky. “What do you do?” isnt a conversation starter, its a peak into your wallet.

    • K Says:

      I’m a girl and guys often ask that question. It’s up there with, what neighborhood do you live in, where did you grow up, what school did you go to, what did you do this weekend. I’ve been on a lot of Tinder dates and it’s mostly along those lines. I don’t mind it. I’m mostly going on looks as I assume they are. Knowing someone’s industry (mine is in my text box anyhow) and where they prefer to live (in a city where this matters to a lot of people) just gives me context. This one isn’t big for me and doesn’t prevent me from going on dates.

      • HammersAndNails Says:

        Asking someone on a date what they do? Sure. Making conversation. Asking someone what they do when you are deciding to meet them or not? It looks like gold digging no matter what your intentions are. Just don’t do it.

        Girls that go fiscal to soon are like guys that go sexual too soon.

        • K Says:

          Noted and there are certainly things I need tips on (hence why I come here), but getting Tinder dates isn’t one of them. I don’t mind being asked or asking. If someone doesn’t answer (which hasn’t happened), I talk to the next guy. And hopefully he’ll find his type of girl who thinks it’s tacky to ask or whatever the motivations are. At this point, no need for me to fix what isn’t broken. If it stops working then yes I’d consider the advice as I consider all other advice. Maybe for others this will be helpful or for the woman mentioned in the OP (although who knows if she cares).

      • Eliza Says:

        For people who are not ONLY going for looks–which for me – is of no issue when dealing with ON-LINE matches–since the only to guage that is by actually meeting up face to face. People can post some fantastic photos – they very best. Which they do. But without haven’t met them in person–all I have to go on is replies–to some tasteful questions…that get to the heart of whom someone is…and what someone does for a “paycheck” or “living” only tells me more or less how much she/he makes…which really shouldn’t be that interesting–UNLESS of course that man or woman is interested in that other person’s wallet/assets. Which is foul. So…where have you travelled…what are some of your hobbies, what type of music do you most listen to? Those are more “fun/lighted questions” to focus on – prior to meeting. Once you meet – at the typical coffee bar–you can know more. And yes, if he/she is unemployed–for most that’s not something anyone is going to voluntarily disclose so quickly. I find it offensive when a man even asks me “so do you rent or own”? Why is that any of his business…what my assets are. The only people that need to know that are my financial advisors and my accountant. Very foul…and quite transparent…and it’s obvious someone asking such blatant, tacky questions is at loss for interesting conversation…so much to discuss–current events, sports, etc.
        A person on that type of “fishing expedition” is inappropriate and a true bore.

        • Hard ache Says:

          Haha! I got asked right off the bat if Iived in a walk up, if my building had a doorman!

          • K Says:

            Probably a good thing for you, so you can easily avoid this person if these questions are objectionable to you (I can see why).

          • C Says:

            I had a guy who had seen several of my full body picks ask me if I weighed between 100 and 125 pounds. I said, no, I weigh 133 pounds. He then told me it “isnt fun” for him to date women ove 125 pounds. Worked out perfectly for me since I’m turned off by clowns. Lol

    • Howard Says:

      If you start off this materialistic, you make it loud and clear what you are about. It’s making a human being a commodity. It’s no surprise when that human being turns around and does one of two things. The first and smartest thing that to do, is to balk and refuse to be treated as commodity. I tend to do that. This guy and smarter men do the same.

      The second and more common reaction we see from many guys, is to treat the woman like a commodity in turn. Of course guys are made out to be villains, when this second option happens. I don’t justify or condone guys doing that, but let’s be clear where it all starts.

      For the woman out there, what would you do, if you met a guy online and the first question he asked you, “What size breasts do you have?”

      • C Says:

        True. Well, apparently, the more common sexual question among men when deciding whether or not to meet us is, “so how much do you weigh?” We dont like that one either.

        I dont know that every woman who wants to be with a high earning man is a gold digger. Some high earnering women simply want a partner who is a professional and financial peer. But said high earning women are usually far more tactful in their approach. In much the same way as a guy with any game wouldnt just flat out ask a woman about her weight or body pics.

        • Howard Says:

          Dating is a game with some generally accepted rules. While assumptions can be deadly, there is still a heavy onus on us to use our brains to figure things out without asking questions that are too pointed. And that is rule number one.

          There is more latitude as things progress form date to date but, interrogation is an anathema to the early stages of dating. There has to be a give and take, where people volunteer information as they chat.

          I suppose it’s a skill getting people to open up and express themselves. Unfortunately, too many people lack that skill. It also helps when the person requiring the information is also open. It’s hard for someone to open up to us, if we are closed off.

      • K Says:

        I just would stop talking to that guy. No offense taken, but he doesn’t sound like my type if he needs to ask. My pictures show full body sized shots in cocktail dresses and one in a swimsuit. I’ll go for the guy who can take a good guess.

  2. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    For every new technology, there is always group of people who are completely inept at using it. You know, from those sex ed films in high school, those idiotic sperm that cluster up with each other and then die before they ever reach the egg? That’s these people. Tinder is a simple tool.

    Some other Tinder advice from an “expert:”

    (1) Don’t say “I’m not here just to hookup.” Newsflash – NO WOMAN is just looking to hookup. (Or, some may be, but they are rare.) You are not a special snowflake because you don’t want to get used for sex. You don’t need to announce it, anymore than you need to announce that you like handbags and shoes, drink wine, and enjoy any song by Adele.

    (2) You should have four to five pictures. Your first picture should be a really good picture of you, looking your best, in the best possible light. Your second and third pictures should each be a really good picture of you, looking your best, in the best possible light. On your fourth and fifth pictures, you can get a little crazy maybe posting a really good picture of you, looking your best, in the best possible light? You get the idea. On Tinder, there is NO POINT to putting ugly pictures because people have nothing else to go on, and you’re going to get swiped.

    You’re welcome.

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Oh shit, I almost forgot. Fore the guys. Always swipe right for women named Sabrina. And, sorry, but always swipe left for Patricia.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Also, your first photo needs to be a photo of you. Most people have an itchy swiping finger and automatically swipe left without looking through someone’s photos. If you’re first photo isn’t of you but of a dog or a sign or something silly, people will automatically swipe left, especially if they’ve been shown a number of previous possible matches.

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        “Signs point to yes.”

      • CoolDude Says:

        Another tip, make sure it’s of you and NOT you with a group of your (often better looking) friends. I hate sorting through multiple photos only to find out that it’s the busted/fat one’s profile.

        • manwich Says:

          The trick is, the best looking one in the group is usually the one posting. I think most women know better than to post pictures of more attractive friends.

          I call this maneuver “The Hoda” in honor of Kathie Lee Gifford’s less photogenic BFF.

          • Avery_t Says:

            That’s not what I have seen. Most often, I think the friends are WAY more attractive than the poster. This really startles and baffles me.

            Two theories:

            a) every woman online thinks she’s gorgeous because she’s inundated with spam, and thus doesn’t realize she’s least attractive one.

            b) she KNOWS her friends are hotter and wants men t date her to meet her friends.

            I think it’s b. I have seen women I’m not into but whose friends are so f-ing hot I have consider meeting her just to try to get to them.

            Hot friends are a resource.

            But there’s also the hot by association effect.

            In prep school, my two best friends were tall catalog models (who ended up going to Harvard and MIT). I’m good looking, but short and not as handsome as they were (one looks like Sting meets David Beckham). hanging out with them was like being a roadie for a hot band. Girls got with ME because I was with a hot tall guys. Having really handsome male friends increased my value.

            maybe girls think having hot female friends does the same.

  3. LostSailor Says:

    Well, I haven’t taken the plunge into Tinder yet, so feel free to ignore, but it seems to me, for guys at least, that tight game is required.

    The “where do you work” question could be just be a bad conversational gambit, but she pretty much says that she was fishing. As C said it was a peek into his wallet (nice phrase, C).

    Since you have to assume it’s some sort of test, it doesn’t pay to completely ignore it but you can’t really answer directly. Which is why I usually–in initial messaging–use replies that challenge the test:

    * “I’m a professional bullshit wrangler” (partly true)
    * “I’m a mild-mannered reporter for the Daily Planet…by day”
    * “I’m the executive producer of my own reality show” (think about it).

    If she responds playfully, a good sign. If she tries to dig for a real answer, bail.

    Whatever, it sounds like Tinder calls for very nimble dating skills…

    • JulesP Says:

      Lost, hi..

      I have to say that if any man threw me the “I’m an executive producer of my own reality show” type of line, I reckon I’d bail before he does!

      Sounds like whomever would use that line has been watching too much of that genre.

      Listen.. I had a man inbox me yesterday on one of the online sites I’m with.. no fancy message – just a simple message with his number. I called, we had a really good initial conversation and do you know what… neither he nor I have actually gone into detail about what we do because yes, we’re probably going to talk about that this evening on a date :-)

      (wish me luck!)

    • Valery North Says:

      Lost, it sounds like you’ve read one or two too many PUA manuals. Seriously, those are the kind of “shit test” answers that they recommend when women ask about occupation etc. Outside of high-energy bars and clubs, though, that stuff just looks cheesy.

      Not to mention, PUAs tend to peddle some pretty unpleasant thought processes about women and their motives or mentality. Using their stuff could just be creating an impression that you disrespect women.

    • LostSailor Says:

      @JulesP: I was responding to a fairly specific situation where a woman would blankly inquire about my job in the first several text messages. I find that both unimaginative and rude. So I’d throw out a playful reply. If that would cause you to bail, that’s fine; it’s doubtful we’d get along anyway. I’ll note that in your anecdote, the issue didn’t come up in the first place.

      Good luck on the date.

      @Valery: No, I don’t read “PUA” manuals. As some may have noticed in my commentary here, I’m a practitioner of humorous (well, sometimes) wordplay. I always have been, even in conversation. Some people find it amusing and endearing; some people find it annoying. Fine by me. It’s how my mind is wired and does tend to separate the wheat from the chaff.

      • Erin Says:

        LostSailor, I, for one, always find your comments amusing and look forward to reading them. Life truly is a game and laughter can get you through some pretty rough spots in life! Keep your brand of humor coming as it is appreciated!!!!!

      • Eliza Says:

        I agree–you have to be who you are –and those that stick around – are the people you will most connect with and relate to. That’s why when someone writes “I have a great sense of humor”…it’s such a subjective, and clueless remark. What’s funny to someone may not be too amusing to someone else. Don’t tell me you are funny…let’s get together – and within minutes–if you have me laughing–that basically tells me that I appreciate that person’s sense of humor…as twisted as it may be.

    • Eliza Says:

      People HATE tests–if you need to do some litmus test–be prepared to get many pupils fail it! on purpose. I went to school–took plenty of damn tests…don’t need another one – from some stranger.
      In due time, the truth will be revealed – time tells all. Some people can’t wait a millisecond—to find out EVERYTHING–and starting making checkmarks on their mile-long laundry list. Nobody likes to feel as though they are being pre-qualified for a mortgage–it’s downright rude. And yes, humor is definitely necessary – when dating – online and off! One day – we will all look back and have a huge laugh about the overall concept of online dating. :)

      • mindstar Says:

        My personal favorite was the woman who (on a first date) asked me how many children I wanted to have. I replied I generally wait until after we’ve ordered appetizers before I think about that.

        • LostSailor Says:


          If the appetizers are good, I’ll probably only want one child, but if I’m still really hungry afterward, I’ll likely want more than one…

        • Eliza Says:

          Geez. Talk about jumping the gun. For me, getting to know someone comes first, prior to being interested in having a commitment, much less even thinking about children! Some people are just in love with the idea of “being in love”, not necessarily in love with a particular person.

    • C Says:

      My ex-bf was a senior exec and didnt like people prying so when asked he used to simply name an industry, “I’m in finance”. That usually shuts them down. If they dig further with, “Oh really? What do you do in finance?”, you can describe some of your daily tasks without going into detail about your position. If someone doesnt sense that you are trying to avoid the question and continues to dig, you know you are dealing with someone very socially inept. Lol.

      • Nicole Says:

        That’s pretty typical from what I’ve seen, especially with more successful guys. My bf told me over our initial emails that he was in IT. Didn’t find out for weeks how high up he was at his company.

        And I do the same thing, I say that I’m a teacher or that I work with young kids… Not a detailed description of the type of school I work in or the kids I teach. My job is one of those that makes people say “oh you must have a heart of gold”… Um, not so much, actually, lol. So I like people to get to know cynical, sarcastic me before I tell them a lot about my work.

        I agree the blatant “what do you do for work?” is annoying and boring, but let’s face it, most of us spend giant chunks of our life at work so it is an important part of our identity. The trick is to avoid people who will date you (or not date you) solely because of assumptions about your job.

    • Bree Says:

      Personally I find this “text game” approach on Tinder annoying. I prefer gathering info about each other to determine compatibility than being toyed with and expected to react or play along with silliness. Those whacky openers always come off as disingenuous to me.

  4. msM. Says:

    I don’t see the problem either. I would not use Tinder because my interests are too specific and it sounds like a hook-up only situation. I would imagine she has been through a lot of situations on TInder where men expect sex and she is only willing to meet high-value guys (Ivy league/law/finance/consulting/tech etc…). This is what happens when you’re thrown in the lowest common denominator situation. You decide what you won’t compromise on and stick to it.

    This might be harsh to some, but she is essentially trading within specific sexual market value for men that could correspond to hers if she is “really hot” or whatever. This would depend on the neighborhood though. This would be weird if it were in Brooklyn, but not Manhattan (esp. say, West Village, Upper East/West, Midtown, Tribeca).

    Also, it’s possible that she herself went to an Ivy and only wants to date the same. Ivy League women are more interested in remaining within specific circles than men.

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “I would imagine she has been through a lot of situations on TInder where men expect sex and she is only willing to meet high-value guys (Ivy league/law/finance/consulting/tech etc…).”

      So a guy who expects sex is okay as long as his income is over some arbitrary bar? That is exactly why asking about his job (or where he lives) makes her look like a gold-digger. If that’s the best she can come up with for conversation, she needs to up her game.

      • msM. Says:

        Crotch, she is the exact match to the guy who just wants sex: both are dealing at the basest level. It’s the “gloves off” world. No niceties left. Here’s the deal: she doesn’t need to bother. She doesn’t need to “up her game”. There is no game. The “game” for women is relationships, not casual sex. Women who are after relationships are not going to be playing the casual sex game if they KNOW that’s all there is to it. It’s a no-win situation for women. It leads nowhere. She probably knows there are almost no quality dudes on there (men who want relationships) so she doesn’t care that she will come off badly.

        What I am saying is, this woman is aware that in the casual sex world she is just an object, she is objectifying men in return. If men contact her for sex (regardless of income level) she is putting her own agenda on the table as well. She prefers the high-income dudes. At least, if she is in New York, she’ll know he won’t have roommates if they decide to sleep together.

        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          I follow your logic. All those sluts on tinder who are really just looking for a one night stand also have very stringent income requirements. Because, of course, you would not want to sleep with someone who couldn’t afford to buy you dinner on your imaginary second date.

          • msM. Says:

            PS: I see that I have mis-interpreted Tinder as a casual-sex-only site, I have just read Moxie’s comment. So what I wrote was based on the assumption that men were only looking for casual sex on there. In any case it’s not for me, I don’t think.
            my answer to your comment:

            No actually. I am not slut-shaming the woman. i am saying casual sex is the lowest level for a woman to deal in, because as it has been established on the other thread, men will f**k just about anyone. The woman is means to an end. Since this is so impersonal it doesn’t matter what the woman says – she is acting exactly as the men are – acting on the lowest instinct. Since men on this forum have said they do not connect sex and emotional involvement, by definition she should not care what men think either. It’s a transaction, an exchange of goods.

            The “date” aspect is less important, and i am no prude, I have sex quite early on (first to third date)…but I have to feel that **I** am making the choice, and not being coerced into it by some casual mandate and “PUA” techniques. Also I have specific sex preferences that are too niche for a site like that. i need a lot more communication than what Tinder offers because most people will not be a match.

            I have been in date situations where I quickly realized the man in question was PUA’ing his way in and it is gross. Like Nicole said, I need to know who the person is a little bit before putting myself in a situation where a man is pushing for sex with no connection established about anything. (relationship vs. goods transaction).

          • ATWYSingle Says:

            Like Nicole said, I need to know who the person is a little bit before putting myself in a situation where a man is pushing for sex with no connection established

            Or you could just develop better social and interpersonal skills? End the date. There. Problem solved. You’re problem is that you think you’re special and different, and you’re neither.

          • msM. Says:

            Thanks Moxie! It’s nice to know you care.

          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            What you really meant, MsM, is that women falsely hold out the promise of “casual sex” to men on Tinder so as to get dates when, what these women really want, is a high-earning status boyfriend who doesn’t care much for sex. That is in fact how Tinder works to some extent. Come to think of it, that’s pretty much how all dating works.

          • msM. Says:

            Driving, what I think is that women are not wired for casual sex and we end up getting involved anyway. All of you men have said that casual sex leads nowhere relationship-wise on other threads. In other words, women will not get any relationships out of this. She is going to lose.

            The logic is that this is a transaction for a woman. Since this will lead nowhere and this is a transaction where I am going to be discarded, I might as well find the best value dude I can. It will feed the woman’s ego. We’re all clear in the end that this is a transaction and not a relationship with courting and so forth.

        • ATWYSingle Says:

          Women who are after relationships are not going to be playing the casual sex game if they KNOW that’s all there is to it. It’s a no-win situation for women. It leads nowhere. She probably knows there are almost no quality dudes on there (men who want relationships) so she doesn’t care that she will come off badly.

          The whole point of Tinder is to avoid the annoying chit chat and profile analyzing and just meet. If someone isn’t willing to do that, they shouldn’t use the app. I’ve been in similar situations where guys ask a bunch of questions and I immediately block them. I’m not there for conversation. I’m there to meet people. There are tons of “quality dudes” on there. The ones who just want to hook up are pretty up front about it. I’ve yet to meet a guy on Tinder who appeared “just in it for the sex.” I’m dating someone now that I met on Tinder. While it might not be the place to meet the love of your life, it’s definitely not just a hook-up app. Women like to say that to justify why they won’t use it, as though they’re above it.

          • msM. Says:

            Thank you for the clarification, Moxie, I misinterpreted Tinder as a casual-sex-only site.

        • Crotch Rocket Says:

          I see your misconceptions about the purpose of Tinder have already been addressed, so I’ll just reply to this part:

          “If men contact her for sex (regardless of income level) she is putting her own agenda on the table as well. She prefers the high-income dudes.”

          This, I don’t get. If we accept, for the sake of argument, that casual sex is all that’s on the table, then why would his income level matter at all?

          • msM. Says:

            Because she wouldn’t feel so cheap and because she can. This means that the woman is going to a nicer apartment in a non-sketchy neighborhood, instead of meeting someone’s roommate on the living room or whatever on her way to the bathroom after sex. Depressing vs not depressing.

            Stories that are aimed at women sell casual sex as something exciting ONLY when it’s done with really alpha men in “nice” settings. Casual sex with a random dude in BedStuy vs casual sex in a nice Tribeca loft. Extremes, of course, but you get the picture.

          • Crotch Rocket Says:

            Ah, that makes sense. Thanks.

            • Sweet Says:

              Basically, a guy will sleep with any random woman if he only wants casual sex, right? For some women it’s actually the reverse regarding casual sex…she will only “go there” if the man is “just so worth it”…and that usually means he is either high class in social/economic status or very, very good-looking. That is the pay-off for just “giving it away” and risking the possibility of being dismissed. The pleasure of having basked in the glow and enjoyed power or good looks is the trade-off. Otherwise to have random sex with a fat slob with no job who lives with 7 roommates and then be “discarded and dismissed” by said undesirable man, is a kick in the head to a woman’s self-esteem…there is simply no incentive for some woman to go for that.

  5. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    Some women are still clinging to the ‘status quo’ on Tinder. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen profiles that just say “If you like what you see, shoot me an email.” Sweetie, Tinder isn’t Match or OK Cupid. You actually have to do some work and be proactive to be noticed at this, princess.

    And the ones posting the loving pictures of you and your husband? Somethin’ at right with you.

    • msM. Says:

      and you are…a great catch???

      Seriously if this site is about hook-ups and casual sex, WHY would women initiate this?

      it’s possible that women have already figured this out and simply won’t be bothered to deal with some nameless dude who just needs to “get his rocks off” as some other commenter mentioned. It’s possible that the woman raised the bar a little so as to avoid wasting her time typing along to some dude looking to f**k within the hour.

      • Dark Sarcasm Says:

        Aww…poor you.

      • Millie Says:

        Seriously if this site is about hook-ups and casual sex, WHY would women initiate this?

        Would you please stop commenting on things you don’t understand and have never used? The woman actually has to do something as well because *BOTH* people have to like each other for any contact is made.

  6. Nicole Says:

    Tinder and sites like it may be the big trend right now, but I think incidents like this show that it’s not for everyone. Just like Match/OKC style online dating isn’t for everyone.

    I never tried Tinder, and I probably won’t if I end up back in the dating marketplace. My main criteria in deciding whether to reply to a guy online was how well written his profile and message were. (I never considered a first date a waste of time because of lack of chemistry, different values, etc, but if we couldn’t have an intelligent conversation for the hour we’re together… Yeah, that’s actually a waste of my time.) Tinder, from what I have seen, doesn’t give you much to go on there… And if people are messaging via mobile apps, the back and forth emails aren’t going to be elegant either.

    I agree that the girl is this post was tactless – especially asking twice about the mans job. If she didn’t get an answer the first time, and it was important to her, that was the time to just bow out. But I will say that in 6 months on OKC, I never had to ask what a guy did… Even the guys who had an occupation listed in their profile still brought up what they did at some point, usually the second or third email. So if the girl in question is used to that type of site, not giving at least a general “I’m in IT” type response probably did seem weird.

    If she’s the sort of person who needs to know a lot of background before she meets someone, sounds like she’s on the wrong site… She’ll figure it out… Unless she’s hot, in which case there will be enough dudes even on Tinder who will cough up their resume in hopes of getting a date.

  7. Steve From The City Next Door Says:

    A friend gave me this advice (and no it did not originate with him)… when asked “what do you do”…reply something like “In my free time I like to jam on my electric banjo” … change activity as appropriate for you. I often forget this advise. When I have remembered, almost all of the women have come back real quick (e.g. “So you play the banjo…where do you get the money to pay for it?” ) or back straight on…”I mean what do you do for a job.” I think pretty much every woman in dating get to know phase has insisted on knowing my job…many what specifics….I will often times say something like tech…oh, do you mean an IT nerd or Computer Programmer or what?

    • James Says:

      I agree her question was very tacky. The appropriate question to ask is not “what do you do”. The appropriate question to ask is “So How do you spend your time?”. This question allows the respondent the option of answering how that want. If they say, ” I spend most of my time at work”. Then you can tactfully ask, “oh, so what do you do for work?”. If they say “I like to jam on my electric banjo” than you can take the question towards hobbies. Credit Leil Lowndes.

      “So How do you spend your time?”

      • James Says:

        One more thing if some one asks me, “so what do you do do for work?”.

        I rephrase the question in a joking way saying something like this [not exact] … “oh, you really wanna know what I’m passionate about right? I’m more than just my work. [laugh]. So what you really wanna ask is ‘How do you spend your time?”. Because what if I am a [person/lady/man] who lunches?”

        • Eliza Says:

          Also, “what do you do”? is a very loaded question.
          Which can be answered by stating “I vacation”, I eat, sleep, and go to the bathroom…not in that order necessarily! I shop (yes, for shoes!)…woman here. :) I guess a person can get snarky if they wish to do so. It’s just such a mundane question/topic to discuss so early on. What someone does for a living isn’t always what they are passionate about. By the way–when someone asks that question once, and doesn’t get a reply at all…to ask it twice makes it that much more offensive/pushy and inappropriate. Anyone with social grace or an ounce of intelligence knows when to back off and change the topic of discussion.

          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            “Anyone with social grace or an ounce of intelligence knows when to back off….”

            I died.

      • C Says:

        Another option is to start talking about your job and see what ideas the other person puts forth. Then you can move in with something like, “You have a very keen understanding of blah. Are you a doctor?” or “are you in management?” or something along those lines. Then leave it to the other person to correct you.

  8. D. Says:

    I don’t think the question itself was tacky. It sounds more like the woman was simply “doing it wrong” as far as how she was using the Tinder app.

    My understanding of Tinder is that the whole point is to NOT have mountains of information, and to just meet the person, at which point you do all the “So what do you do?” questions. Maybe you have a very brief back and forth, or exchange numbers, but the whole purpose seems to be to cut to the chase and MEET UP IN PERSON.

    That’s fine for some people, and for others it’s not enough info to work off of. Sounds like this woman needs more info up front. My guess is that she was using Tinder because she isn’t having luck on other traditional dating sites, and simply tried to use Tinder like one of those.

    • Selena Says:

      “My understanding of Tinder is that the whole point is to NOT have mountains of information, and to just meet the person, at which point you do all the “So what do you do?” questions. Maybe you have a very brief back and forth, or exchange numbers, but the whole purpose seems to be to cut to the chase and MEET UP IN PERSON. ”

      Yeah, kinda like meeting people in person without ever seeing pictures or crafted profiles first. How old-fashioned. How weird. And perhaps weirdly appealing for some. :)

  9. J Says:

    I’ve only used sites where this was listed on the profile and when they don’t, they all later revealed they were unemployed. In my experience men like to talk about their jobs. I usually get asked what I do for a living and I date talking about it because it’s a lucrative industry but my position is uncommon so it leads to me having to explain while they look at me in confusion. I don’t think it’s fair to call a woman a gold digger for asking but it’s pretty lame of her to decide not to meet because she asked twice and got to answer. She shove waited for the actual date and said “what was it you said you did?” If it was important to know.

  10. The D-man Says:

    Last year (almost exactly on this date) a friend of mine once met a gal at Whole Foods. They exchanged numbers and started texting. She asked what do you do and he responded with “ask me something about who I am, then I’ll tell you what I do.”

    She loved it. They slept together that night. We were at a conference in LA and he lives in NYC, so it was purely a hookup situation. Turned out she was mega rich. She picked him up at the hotel in her Lamborghini. Good times.

  11. Lisa Says:

    I’ve never been on Tinder and probably wouldn’t like it bc, like others above, I’m looking for something pretty specific, which a picture and a quick hello won’t tell me.

    My issue is not so much w/ asking what his occupoation is; it’s with the rapid fire questions. That’s just annoying in face-to-face conversations, while texting and probably on Tinder, too. Doesn’t feel like a conversation that way.

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