I Just Can’t: Here’s What’s Really Amazing About Being Single

From my I Just Can’t Files…kareneat

Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, grates my cheese more than articles written by coupled up people that condescend to single people. This article is just that.  It should have been titled, “Being In a Relationship Isn’t Any Better Than Being Single. Except When It Is.”

Let’s begin:

 

Ways A Relationship Changes Your Life:

1. You’re probably getting sex on the regular. Of course we fully support a regular fuck buddy. But sometimes fuck buddies get in relationships and then the well runeth dry. In a relationship, you can be pretty certain where your next non-battery-operated orgasm is coming from. And you are most definitely getting cunnilingus more regularly (unless you have figured out a way to do that to yourself, in which case, girl, we need to talk).

It’s crucial to note that the author has been with her dude all of about 9 months, married for about 6. Why don’t you come back to me in, oh, say a year when the honeymoon is over. Or when you have kids. Or when work is particularly stressful. The idea that being in a relationship means you get more sex is a fallacy. You can get sex on the regs when you’re single, too. It’s not hard. Line two or three casual relationships and presto! Orgasms for everybody.

2. You don’t have to deal with all the crappy stuff about dating.  If you’re coupled up, then you’re free from most of the bad parts of finding your green zebra. Ghosting? Blind dates? Horrible chemistry? Obsessively writing and rewriting your OK Cupid profile? What a relief not to have to deal with that anymore.

Yeah. Relationships are one big long slumber party, amirite? Except for holidays. Any money.  And having your partner out of work. Or having crappy in-laws. You may not have to deal with ghosting or Tinder or writing an OKCupid profile, but that’s because there’s a whole new set of dilemmas that need to be overcome and tackled. Relationships are no less drama free. They just involve a different kind of drama. Doesn’t mean there isn’t a pay-off. But relationships certainly aren’t without their growing pains.

7. … and you have a little bit of a financial cushion. Just realized your brunch place is cash-only? You’re saved from an awkward moment with your friends at brunch by those two $20 bills in your dude’s wallet.

What’s that now? Any reason why that cash isn’t in her wallet? Again, while combining finances is a definite plus, let’s not pretend that you save thousands of dollars each month by being in a relationship or that you don’t actually incur other debts that come with living together, like a mortgage because you had to move. There will be more going out, more traveling and, if you choose this route, more saving when the time comes to buy a place or get married. PS? Who the hell wants their significant other tagging along on a day out with your friends? PPS? If you can’t afford to pay for brunch and were just going to stick it on your Credit Card, don’t go to brunch. See how that works?

10. You waste less food (at least I do) … Grocery shopping isn’t meant for single people. With the exception of single serving yogurts and microwave dinners, most food comes packaged family-size. Try as I might, I never managed to eat through half a dozen bagels before they would go stale. Sharing your groceries with someone else to means a lot less food wastefulness.

Most food comes packaged family size? Let’s marinate on that one. While I agree that it can be challenging to eat and cook for one, it’s not some insurmountable task. Hamburger and Chicken and Tofu come in smaller portions. Vegetables come in single servings or cans. There’s this magical liquidy meal called soup. As for her inability to finish a half a dozen pre-packaged bagels, whatever. Tie that little twisty thing tight and you’ve got no problem. Those babies will last for a couple of weeks.

13. You have a date for events. Finally, you can really use that plus-one!

Yes, thank God! Who wants to bear the shame of walking into a party alone? Or with friends? Who wants to have the freedom to work the room without checking in your date every ten minutes?

None of these things are actually things. They’re only things if you hated being single, didn’t want to be financially responsible (no, really, you don’t need HBO AND Showtime),  and refused to learn how to do anything on your own, ever.

As for her list of reasons why a relationship doesn’t change your life, I’ll say this:

3. You’ll still be sexually curious and adventurous. Being “settled down” doesn’t mean everything settles down. Your “wild days” of singledom might be over, but being sometimes-maybe-kind-of-attracted to women or curious about sploshing doesn’t go anywhere. In fact, you may feel an increased pressure because now you have someone to explore all your fantasies with!

Uh huh. Yeah. Listen. If you truly wanted to go down on a woman and not just talk about how you fantasize about it, you could do it when you were single. But I see what she did there. “Hey, know how you singletons never get laid? I doooooooo!” Want to know a secret? Being single means you can have sex with different people! You can do that when you’re married, too, as long as that’s a mutually agreed upon deal. But the benefit of being single is that we can do all of those wacky, naughty, kinky things with whomever we like, whenever we like. Oh, you have a headache, honey? No problem. I’ll just scroll through my contact list or post an ad on OKCupid.

4. You’ll probably stay the same weight — if you don’t gain weight, that is. Miranda Kerr said she lost muscle tone after she and Orlando Bloom broke up and stopped having sex. But us mere mortals aren’t necessarily getting all our exercise from sex. In fact, couples are probably more likely to be cuddling at home with a bag of Chips Ahoy and Netflix. There’s a reason the phrase “relationship 10″ exists.

Yeah, see, again, this is one of those reasons that only exists because that’s how you were when you were single. It’s not really a downside. If you were someone who ate well and worked out regularly, being in a relationship doesn’t automatically lend itself to slacking off. If anything, there’s a pressure to keep doing it. This screams, “I only gave a shit when we were dating.Now that he’s legally bound to me, I don’t care.”

The biggest upside to being single is that it teaches you how to be self-sufficient and emotionally intelligent. That, more than anything else,  will prepare you for a healthy, adult relationship.

  • You will learn how to do things on your own so that you don’t always need a plus one or have a panic attack when you have to attend your reunion or office holiday party. That will enable you to develop efficient communication skills.
  • You will be forced to learn how to live within your means, a major bonus for when you are in a relationship and need to deal with money issues.
  • You will grow to love your own company. That way when your partner can’t focus every minute of every day on your dramas you won’t implode and drive them crazy.
  • You’ll get sick but you’ll develop a workaround that enables you to get your medicine. (Friends, delivery, a taxing three block walk to Duane Reade.)
  • You can have sex. Or not. Or masturbate. Or screw a guy. Or screw a girl. Or sleep with both of ‘em.  Or not. Personally, I’d rather get alllll my super-hot bisexual fantasies out of the way BEFORE I agree to sleep with only one person for the rest of my life in case I don’t find someone who will explore them with me. But that’s me.
  • You’ll develop coping mechanisms and strategies that will help you avoid unnecessary strain on your relationship.
  • You’ll be forced to develop an identity outside of a relationship so that you don’t completely lose yourself when you do settle down with someone.
  • You’ll foster friendships with people so that you don’t cling to your partner’s ankle every time he or she leaves to go to the gym.

Did I miss anything?

 

 

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38 Responses to “I Just Can’t: Here’s What’s Really Amazing About Being Single”

  1. Grizzly Says:

    “You waste less food.”

    Apparently this chick doesn’t know what a freezer is. You know that big multi-pack of pork chops you see in the meat cooler at the grocery store? You buy it and freeze the extra ones! Really, this isn’t a difficult concept. Sometimes I wonder how people get through life.

    • LostSailor Says:

      I wonder how people get through life.

      Dude, you nearly made me waste some really fine aged Rye, not to mention having to dry off my keyboard.

      But really, the freezer is only for storing bottle of Skinny Girl® vodka… :-)

      • Grizzly Says:

        Cool, what’s the name of the rye? I’m always looking for something good.

        Never heard of Skinny Girl vodka. I’m partial to Monopolowa myself.

        • LostSailor Says:

          Skinny Girl is a brand of pre-made cocktails by some named Bethany who was on one of those “real housewives” shows. I was shanghaied into a benefit last week where it was the “featured” line of drinks. It started out as bottled margaritas, but has grown to wines and liquors. It wasn’t very good, but it was free at least.

          As for Rye, Bulleit is my favorite at the moment, but I was drinking Rittenhouse tonight (though Whistle Pig is a great small-batch rye). Both good on the rocks, but essential in making a proper Manhattan, along with appropriate bitters..

          • D. Says:

            Seconding Bulleit. Best bang for your buck. There’s other good stuff out there (High West, Whistlepig — as mentioned, Hudson, etc.), but Bulleit is terrific.

          • Grizzly Says:

            Agreed, Bulleit is good. I’ve been drinking Redemption when I’ve been able to find it.

            On the rocks????? No, I prefer my liquor neat. No water, no nothing.

  2. G Says:

    Oh my god… that could have been written by any of my friends… or well… now distant acquaintances. Once they all got to the point where it was fashionable to be “settled down” and latched on to the next person that came along… of course the next part was convincing themselves they were happy.

    That meant pretty much all the the above, complete self-delusion about everything and anything just to convince themselves the world was so wonderful now… but of course, above and beyond just *thinking* everything in that articles, of course you need to be sure to throw all of these points in your single friends faces constantly and try to belittle them and their “still childish ways”… of like… oh I don’t know… being self sufficient, independent, financially and otherwise responsible for themselves and happy enough to live their life without ANY of that until they find someone who’s right.

    The one that stuck out for me was the brunch thing. Honestly, if all my GF sees me as, is that 20 spot in my wallet, well… it says it all really about what she knows of relationships.

    • Howard Says:

      We create our own hell, and it generally has nothing to do with being hooked up or single.

      That said, lots of young single guys and ladies like their single state. Lots of divorced middle-aged and older men also seem to like their single state.

      The two demographic groups with lots of people trying to change their single state are:

      1. 30 to 50 year old guys who were never married
      2. Over 30 year old women in general

      The numbers in category number two far outweigh the numbers in category number one, hence the frustration for women over 35. What makes it worse is that guys in that demographic are also looking at younger women.

      Life is amazing in any state. However, in spite of all the clever bits like this article, that are often times, no more than a feel-good salve, lots of people are unfortunately unhappy with their single state.

  3. LostSailor Says:

    Hmmmm. The one thing that leapt out at me that was absolutely missing from that list that is the most important thing about being in a relationship or being married: the emotional balm of that closeness and the regular intimacy (outside of sex) that living together provides. That’s not a judgment valuing relationships over being single–I completely agree with Moxie’s list of the upside of being single–but it’s really the most important reason to get into a relationship in the first place.

    Outside that, everything Wakeman lists are material things that are actually pretty one-sided. It’s all about what she gains from the relationship.

    My take:

    1. just wait; as Moxie notes and my experience–and that of nearly every married couple I know–confirms, the sex generally tapers off in frequency as the years pile up. If you’re lucky, both partners are committed to making sex a priority, but unfortunately life does tend to intervene.

    2. Instead, you have to deal with the crappy stuff like all the little annoying things about living with your partner, and no matter how compatible you are, there are always going to be some.

    3. Yeah, but you probably do give a fuck how Tinder works.

    4. Still early days, Wakeman. Pretty soon, your sweats get worn more regularly than your lingerie.

    5. This is the only one where she even mentions doing something for her husband. And she still makes it all about her. I’m genuinely surprised that she knows how to cook at all.

    6. She gets the benefit of his money.

    7. She also gets the benefit of his money.

    8. Yeah, I’m sure he’s really interested in the romance novels and vomcom DVDs. Score!

    9. He can wait on you when you’re sick. Most guys–well, speaking for myself–when they’re sick just want to be left the fuck alone. Though a bowl of soup and grilled cheese might be nice.

    10. Seriously, Grizzly +1. I always buy the family packs…at Costco…and freeze the extra. If she was wasting food, I have to question the whole cooking thing again.

    11. Chore chart. Riiiight. That’ll work out great.

    12. Yeah, it’s about what he can go for her when she goes “out of town.”

    13. Like getting a date for an event is soooo hard.

    14. I doubt she had trouble making excuses before.

    About the only thing she gets right is that a relationship or marriage doesn’t solve the problems of your life. It sometimes complicates them…

  4. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I love when people cite to “regular sex” as a benefit of being in a relationship/marriage. Wait. You mean I can I have pizza EVERY NIGHT if I want? No. I mean you MUST have pizza. And ONLY Pizza. EVERY NIGHT. Forever. Gee, well, pizza doesn’t sound all that great when you put it that way, does it. Part of what makes sex really fun is completely lost in a marriage/relationship.

    Wait, let me put some lingerie on. That will make it exciting again, right? Sorry, even kink will get boring after a while.

    I also wish her luck casually incorporating a third person, a bisexual! – into her marital bed. Because, what could go wrong?

    The only thing I DO agree with is the thing most of you don’t. Those pesky groceries. I totally agree that it’s not worth shopping for one. Even with a freezer (some things don’t freeze well.) I find it funny though that the example she chose is a bagel. The one food that you can literally run out every day and buy fresh anywhere in NYC and which also holds up quite in the freezer. A better example would be a head of lettuce. Or broccoli. Veggies always go bad before I can eat them.

    • LostSailor Says:

      I’m going to disagree about the groceries. Even single, I still buy bulk (mostly meats) and last year participated in a CSA (community supported agriculture), which means a ton of vegetables arriving every week from local farms. Yeah, it took planning and I cooked a lot, but a lot of veggies freeze quite well, and I’m just finishing off the last (it runs from June to late November). I’m doing it again this year.

      But you’re right about lettuce. That the only CSA thing I usually had to throw out (you can only eat so much salad) and bagels, which are best bought fresh-baked with scallion or garlic cream cheese and Nova at the deli, but if store-bought, actually freeze quite well.

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Agreed. Bagels and Rye whiskey are definitively the food for us lonely, single people.

    • Snowflake Says:

      I agree with everything that has been said, except for the grocery part. Come on really you can shop at a regular grocery store or Costco and still come up winning. It is called being smart about how far you can stretch your money and as for fruits and veggies, omg you are supposed to buy those every 2 – 3 days anyway ie do not buy your vegge/salad stuff in bluk?! Up here the stores sell no-name bags of salad for $1.00 shocking i know and a good balsamic/italian/greek dressing goes great with any protein – i digress because her explanation about groceries and wasting food is just ridiculous!

      Her excuses are just so surface/materialistic..

      I have had no issues shopping and cooking for one btw, I shop at Wal-mart and Real Cdn Superstore – yes your neighbour up north. I am savvy about deals, and know what I can get no-name brand and I experiement with meals to change things up – thank god for bbq weather finally!!!!! I also exchange meal ideas with my friends (male/female marriend/single)

  5. AnnieNonymous Says:

    Of course Wakeman is only concerned about the aspects of her marriage that play out in front of other people. She has no concept of actual fulfillment. Does her husband support her writing? Does he make a point of reading it and offering thoughtful input? What about his career? What about their shared experiences? Is these any sense that they’re tapping into the core of who the other is as a person?

  6. Damien Says:

    The best part of a relationship , at least for me, has always been the early phase when the sex is hot, when none of the person’s downsides are revealed yet.

    Living and working in a big city, a dating situation like that allows one to fulfill their personal passions be it work or hobbies, hook up with something more intimate than an FWB, and then go back to the other things that you enjoy independently.

    Later on, things like weird dietary preferences, medical issues, personal hang-ups, and incompatibility issues, start to rear their head in a partner.

    • Goldie Says:

      I like the later on, prefer it actually. I like doing the work of adjusting to each other, accepting each other for what we are, and learning to stay together through the hard times with mutual support. Doing this creates a deeper connection, and leads to, yes, real love as opposed to the perpetual horniness of the early phase.

      Sadly, both my x-husband and my last partner didn’t share my philosophy, albeit in different ways. The x-husband thought that there’s no need for that adjusting, accepting, and supporting thing, since you’re stuck in the marriage anyway – that you should just tough it out and not try to make things work better. And the x-partner believed that, once that initial feeling is gone, he should be too.

      Ironically, the linked article addresses none of these things. They’re still at the honeymoon phase and the author doesn’t even realize it.

  7. D. Says:

    Jesus, lists like these are just idiotic.

    Look, for people who really like being in a relationship, a relationship is better. I don’t think you can really list out some easy-peasy list of reasons why being in a relationship is better for people who prefer it. To me, the only way to describe it is that you’re in a full-time partnership in a way that gives you a sense of deep fulfillment and happiness that being single just doesn’t.

    But, again, that’s probably something that’s only really attractive to people who really prefer being in a relationship. People who prefer being single, I expect, prefer the sense of freedom and self-reliance in a way that people who prefer relationships just…don’t get.

    There’s just something kind of narcissistic about assuming that the way you do things is just so obviously superior. I think it’s far more important to figure out what you prefer and then just do that.

  8. vintagevinyl Says:

    Everybody who writes for The Frisky is emotionally 16 years old.

    It’s hard to take anything Wakeman says about her marriage seriously when she was open about the fact that she and her husband didn’t date very long before marrying to keep him in the country. I’d be embarrassed to be humble bragging about a marriage that came about under those circumstances.

    • D. Says:

      Ah, but is it humblebragging, or desperately trying to convince yourself that you made the right call when you have a nagging suspicion you didn’t? Like, if your life is so great, why aren’t you just sitting back and enjoying it instead of telling everyone how great it is?

    • mindstar Says:

      He’ll likely sue for divorce within three months of getting his Green Card

  9. Noquay Says:

    Yep, being part of a couple is great if your lives complement one another, and sheer hell if they do not. My ex husband and I had 12 wonderful years, my colleague married to a drunk and druggie, not so much. Holding out for another of the former and avoiding the latter. Would like to see what this chick has to say about couple-hood after a few years, some slobbering infants, and serious debts. We should all be autonomous beings regardless of relationship status. That means yep, the 20s are in your wallet, you are capable of your own home repairs, know how to maintain the car, etc. I grow my own food, so I often have lots. There is the freezer, canning, drying of excess foods for winter use, don’t even need a dryer for this. What waste their is goes to a coupla dogs and about 30 chickens, or is composted (something else one can do in the city)

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “What waste their is goes to a coupla dogs and about 30 chickens, or is composted (something else one can do in the city)”

      I’m going to write an article about the advantages of being single in the big city. At the top of my list is going to be “I don’t need to worry about composting.” Just below that is “I don’t need to know what composting is.”

      • noquay Says:

        Composting is taking your food waste, coffee grounds etc and putting em into a container and it degrades into soil which is then used to garden with. Many large cities in Europe actually have composting areas in their high rises. As fossil fuel supplies decline, stuff like composting, a whole lotta walking or biking, and urban gardens will become a necessity.

  10. Goldie Says:

    I can’t even take this article seriously. It looks like it was written by a high-school kid who has just discovered an LTR. Yes there are reasons why being in a relationship is great, if it’s a good healthy relationship, but she’s listing all the wrong reasons. I would write more, but I’ve got to go pick up the first guy off the street so I can have regular sex, a Tinder-free life, and someone to gobble up my leftover groceries.

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      Sometimes I really wish I could give a post multiple thumbs up.

    • BostonRobin Says:

      I just realized I practically duplicated your post!

    • C Says:

      And the best part of being married is that you are garunateed never to have to sit home alone like a sad loser on Valentines Day! What more can I say?!

      Lol Goldie.

  11. NotSaidInKindness Says:

    Maybe some good points here, maybe not. It’s the TONE of bitterness and perceived anger coming from Moxie that taints the words she’s written. She just doesn’t seem happy! Get married already! What’s worse than a person in the “relationship biz” than one who cant find a relationship for herself? Reminds me of Patti Stanger.

  12. BostonRobin Says:

    There are really deep and truly beneficial ways that a relationship can change your life, none of which are in this article. It’s nothing more than silly “couple-bragging.” Isn’t that what Facebook is for?

    I mean, sex? food? half-price CABLE? I would not want to be in a relationship with someone who can’t manage these things on their own!

  13. Mark Says:

    I skimmed the article and at the end I thought “Umm…. OK. So what exactly is your point?”

    I thought about it for a minute and still had the same reaction. So in essence, it didn’t really strike me one way or another. Not bad, not good. Just a shrug. So if that is what the author feels, perfectly fine. I’m not really put off by it. By the same token, I’m not really impressed with it either. So I simply didn’t give it much consideration. If things are well with the author or their proxy and they feel compelled to make that type of message, then I wish ‘em well.

    If others see that something else then I guess that’s what the interpret the article to mean.

    To each his/her own.

  14. Nathan Says:

    The first half of Wakeman’s article sounded like a comedy piece. I seriously thought it was humor, until I realized it wasn’t.

  15. Lisa Says:

    A monogamous, disease-free sex life is a real load off my mind. And two incomes are definitely better than one. But dating can be lots of FUN! Especially if you are extroverted and attractive.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      But dating can be lots of FUN! Especially if you are extroverted and attractive.

      But not if you’re slutty, amirite? Then you’ll get STDs because of all that casual sex you’re having. That’s what happens to women. But not you because you’re not slutty like those other women.

      Shut up.

  16. Eliza Says:

    When 2 people are aligned, and have similar goals, and want the same out of life, it’s meant to be. Life can be sweet, even through tough times, you know you have each other’s back! To me, that’s priceless…to know that you have a best friend and lover – who wants the best for you and vice versa. And if two people are on the same page in terms of finances, they can achieve a whole lot more than just one person…or perhaps in a quicker time frame. Not that being single is horrifying…it sure beats living or being married to someone that is wrong and just incomptable in every way. Hence, why divorce rates are so high. Sometimes love is just not enough. I do know that there is so much inner peace and power knowing you are fine as a single person and not coupled, and when a person doesn’t feel incomplete by not being married, but appreciates what they do have – friends, family, health, work, etc….there is no such thing as feeling incomplete. Know plenty of married yet miserable people…who DO cheat – because they feel a void.

  17. AC Says:

    What I’m waiting for is the list of reasons why we shouldn’t take dating lists so seriously.

    Nevertheless – great rebuttal. What you said about being happy with yourself making it more likely you’ll find a great relationship says it all.

  18. Kay Says:

    Is it just me or does someone from The Frisky write an article exactly like this every other week?

    You’d think none of them ever had a boyfriend before.

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