So If Women Just Lost Weight They Wouldn’t Be Single? OK.

men don’t think in terms of best. I mean, is Rachel MacAdams better than Megan Fox? Whothef-ckcares?! they’re both hottt.dating-several-people-at-once1

men are much, much less competitive with each other than women are with each other. For women, “best” means “better than her guy.” I don’t think men think that way.

In some sci-fi films, men create female sexbots. They all look pretty much the same. All the men are happy with their slender pretty female sexbot.

But would women be happy if they all had the same hunky tall lantern-jawed male sexbot? In that scenario, all women would have a clone of their friend’s male sexbot. So, they couldn’t perceive themselves as having higher value man (sexbot). They couldn’t use male sexbots as tokens in an intragender competition. They couldn’t say “my sexbot is taller” or “my sexbot earns more” or “my sexbot is smarter.” They could say only “my sexbot has a lower serial number than your sexbot.”

men created the notion of sexbots.

Women created the notion of value. – Avery

 

Moxie’s advice is not bad, but most women who get rejected are rejected for weight. Not all, but many.

Men know they should/can earn more money (and lift weights). When I list my income online, I get a lot of attention. Maybe it’s no better than getting breast implants, but it may signal ambition, drive, and know-how.

Most people don’t believe they can change their body or their income. As a gym-nut, I think it’s really possible to change one’s body. Income is harder to change.

An old building-mate of mine who was running a small bookstore (a labor of love) proposed to his hot girlfriend (he’s tall, handsome, and very intelligent). She said “yes, on the condition that you give up the bookstore and get a real job.”

What i look for in a woman is version of my ex-girlfriends. I liked most of them. I was into all of them. When I do online dating, I sense that many women are seeking men who in no way shape or form resemble men they have ever dated.

Women seem to HATE it when men talk about ex-girlfriends. But it’s GOOD, if the men liked those women, because it means men’s wishes and hopes are grounded in reality. But women, I think, are greatly attached to the idea that love is always new and immaculate and magical and erases everything that went before it. That seems very Immaculate Conception or very New heaven and New Earth. It’s like messianic attitude toward love. For men, it’s more like denim. I love this wash and that fabric blend, but the cut is wrong. If I could JUST find a pair with the same wash and fabric blend, but the right cut, I’d never take those jeans off. I’d wear them forever.

I think the solution is to work out all the time and base your romantic hopes on happiness you’ve had in the past. Maybe very few people online have actually had serious relationships. – Avery

 

Thoughts?

 

 

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57 Responses to “So If Women Just Lost Weight They Wouldn’t Be Single? OK.”

  1. RC Says:

    Ha ha. This dude is adorable! Really? So damn “cute”…

    So I guess here is it. Yes, men generally would sleep with any attractive woman if she offers. Boo – hoo…

    Attractive and smart woman would not consider a man who doesn’t care if she is a human being or a she-bot and that’s irrespective of his income and height.

    I think Avery should buy himself a blow up doll and save a lot of money he would otherwise spend on real live versions of a plastic toy.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 16 Thumb down 10

  2. manwich Says:

    Haven’t we blocked this little twerp yet?

    I think what he is trying to say is that men generally don’t over think it as much. We are either really attracted to a woman, or we aren’t. A woman’s sex appeal has a mesmerizing effect. We make irrational decisions in the presence of beauty.

    I disagree about the sexbot thing. No two guys would design the exact same sexbot. We all have a different type. Hell, if sexbots are available, I’d buy lots of different types. Women don’t have to look like ideal supermodels they just have to be somebody’s type.

    Most Americans would look better if they lost a little weight. I think a lot of bad advice for women tries to gloss over this harsh truth. Yes, you need to look your best. I’m sorry, but this matters. Even relationshippy guys looking for LTR will still be mesmerized by a little cleavage. What a woman lacks in physical beauty, she can somewhat make up for by dressing well and being fun, flirty, and outgoing.

    There are a million other virtues that keep a man around after he falls in love, but it’s sex appeal that gets our attention.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 2

    • Avery_t Says:

      Women don’t have to look like ideal supermodels they just have to be somebody’s type.

      That’s high grade whiteknighting, manwich.

      f you say women SHOULD lose weight and you ALSO say women do not have to conform to any ideal. your comments are self-contradictory. you seem to be saying two entirely different things:

      1) men respond to more slender women who show cleavage.
      2) men like all types

      You wrote:

      Even relationshippy guys looking for LTR will still be mesmerized by a little cleavage. What a woman lacks in physical beauty, she can somewhat make up for by dressing well and being fun, flirty, and outgoing.

      How on earth does the second sentence follow the first one? Also, how much weight do you put on the word “somewhat”? Can a woman make up for not being slender and busty or can she not? According to you, she can SOMEWHAT. How much is “somewhat”?

      Your comments seem very self-contradictory. Even your last sentence. You say that personality and character keep a man around, but that man won’t even get to know a woman unless she has sex appeal. If those “million other virtues” can’t attract a man in the first place, how can a woman without sex appeal ever put herself in a position to keep a man (whom she hasn’t captivated)?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 1 Thumb down 9

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        I shouldn’t reply to you because it just fuels your delusions that you’re actually saying anything of merit, but…

        You admitted that you moved to LA because you genuinely believed you could date famous actresses. You live in Tribeca in a tiny studio just to be around famous actresses. You even live in a the same building as a famous actress. Your ideals are in no way standard or typical.

        You’re just some lonely guy who wears his aviator sun glasses and walks around Tribeca hoping to be confused for Tom Cruise and longs to be some kind of It Boy. You’re a bottom feeding hanger on-er.

        As I said, writing all of this will be ultimately pointless because you’re never going to get it. Carry on.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

  3. Nicole Says:

    “Women seem to HATE it when men talk about ex-girlfriends. But it’s GOOD, if the men liked those women, because it means men’s wishes and hopes are grounded in reality.”

    I don’t mind if a boyfriend talks about his ex -the good stuff or the bad stuff – because I agree that our past relationships, especially if they were long lasting, are part of who we are. My bf and I were both married before, him for over 15 years, it would be pretty awkward to try and erase those parts of our lives.

    But I have rejected men for talking to much about their ex or exes on the first few dates. It feels like the guy is trying to compare and contrast me with his ex, rather than get to know me as an individual. Either because he’s not over the woman and is looking for an exact replica, or because – as Avery put it – he wants “the same wash and fabric blend, but with the right cut”. In either case, it’s off-putting, because I’m a person, not a pair of jeans. I’m not going to be exactly like your ex girlfriend but travel less for work and read more. I’m just going to be me.

    The proposal story … Really? Those were her exact words? I’m not buying it. Now, if what you’re saying is that she said “yes yes yes!!!”, posted the ring pictures all over social media, and then started nagging about the bookstore the next day … that I’ll believe.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 2

    • Avery_t Says:

      It’s called a metaphor. Any time any writer uses a metaphor to describe a person it dehumanizes him.

      If I say, “professor X was the sun of our solar system,” I am dehumanizing him.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 6

      • mindstar Says:

        Or that you’re a 40+ man who still reads comic books

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      • Nicole Says:

        Yes, I understand the concept of metaphor, Avery. My Ivy League grad degree may be in the useless field of clinical psychology, but I did make it through 7th grade English class.

        The problem is that you think it’s an apt metaphor. Women and jeans both have varying characteristics, just reject the ones with undesirable traits, save up for the ones that have all the features you want, and you’ll be happy with your purchase. Real women – and real relationships – are more complicated than that.

        The biggest difference between a woman and a pair of jeans is that, unlike denim, women have agency. They don’t have to go home with anyone who meets their “price”, whether that’s income, looks, or (ahem) height. They can hold out for partners who love and accept their unique, complicated, ever-evolving selves and who would never be satisfied with a brainless sexbot.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

  4. fuzzilla Says:

    Men also HATE it when women talk about ex-boyfriends. If you know that your target market HATES something that you do (and you can easily live without doing that thing and the request isn’t unreasonable), why not stop doing that thing to better appeal to them?

    Look, no one expects you not to have a past, but the WAY you talk about ex-es makes a big difference. In my last relationship I was reminded of conversations on this very website about “sleep numbers” (har har) and slut shaming and whatnot. Yes, I did hate it when this guy talked about his ex-es. Not because I expected him to be a clean slate, and not that his partner number was especially high, but it was like, “Umm, I know you have a past, dude, but I don’t really need to hear about the way your ex- touched your balls while we’re in bed together…” (now, if he were simply stating a preference of what he liked in bed, it would be fine, but it was a long, drawn-out story about a specific person. Over and over, rinse and repeat).

    I’d think it’s obvious, but talk about your ex-es too much, in uncomfortable detail, and you either seem not over them or too unfocused to build a relationship with anyone new.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 2

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Interesting. I thought the WHOLE POiNT of balls was that they are uncomplicated and require very little discussion.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      • fuzzilla Says:

        He was telling me about how his ex- was bisexual and how “she touched my balls like she was touching a woman…” Me: “I don’t care, I don’t want to think about some other chick touching your balls while I’m in bed with you…” I assume his past sexual partners did such things, but I don’t need to hear about it.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          Wait. I think I know that guy. Was his middle name Avery?

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 0

      • Kay Says:

        That made me laugh out loud.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

    • Goldie Says:

      Wow. In my last relationship, I was a rebound, so I was treated to a long never-ending story about the ex – in our first year together, it was mainly a story about the evil ex, which then changed during the second year and became a story of the good ex. One of our first dates in his town was a trip to a rose garden where he and the ex had gotten married. I thought I had it bad! But apparently not, because the touching of the balls never came into a conversation. Neither was the ex ever mentioned whilst in bed together! That’s just… I don’t know… all kinds of inappropriate.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

      • fuzzilla Says:

        There were so many “you really need to be *told* that’s not an appropriate thing to say?” moments with that guy. I could go on, but you get the picture. I think he was genuinely socially clueless rather than having any malicious intent, but…so what? At least I trusted my gut and ended it quickly and amicably.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

  5. Sarah Says:

    Oh, Avery’s back? Cool, I was hoping for more DERP around here.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

  6. AnnieNonymous Says:

    Yeah, let’s take seriously any dating advice from someone whose insights into relationships are drawn from sci-fi movies. About sexbots.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 3

  7. LostSailor Says:

    Have to echo manwitch here:I have no idea why Moxie wants to give “avery,” or whoever he’s posting as these days, more attention. His “insights” are typical of short-man thinking, the so-called Napoleon complex. But since Moxie made a post out of it…

    men don’t think in terms of best. Whothef-ckcares?! they’re both hottt. men are much, much less competitive with each other than women are with each other.

    False dichotomy. Since he was responding to a comment of mine, I’ll question reading comprehension.It’s not a matter of competition, though, despite his words, avery thinks it is since all his posts are brags designed to pump up his competitive value. Men may lust after Hollywood stars or Victoria Secrets models, but they are realistic that it’s not going to happen; it’s fantasy. In real life, and the context of my comment, men like women are looking for the “best” they think they deserve, not necessarily the best they think they can get or the best that might be the best fit for them.

    They all look pretty much the same. All the men are happy with their slender pretty female sexbot.

    Shallow bullshit. Most men I know might harbor a fantasy of a compliant sexbot on occasion, but would never accept that in real life, and would think any man who would settle for a “sexbot” a loser. The rest of the BS about women “competing” for a higher-status sexbot is also BS.

    Though I am loath to borrow the language of feminism, this is all just objectifying crap. And it suck out any available space for actual human emotion. Yes, attraction is important, but it’s really only a starting point.

    men created the notion of sexbots. Women created the notion of value.

    More bullshit. Men created the notion of sexbots? Really? Read Wuthering Heights (And avery claimed to have been a literature professor??) Women “created” the “notion” of value? I’ll just leave that one out there for the fatuous ignorance it is.

    Most people don’t believe they can change their body or their income.

    Wrong. Most people believe they can change, but most people don’t want to put forth the effort. And avery, women can lose weight, but you can’t grow taller. Just sayin’…

    Women seem to HATE it when men talk about ex-girlfriends. But it’s GOOD, if the men liked those women

    People hate it, especially on early dates, when someone talks about exes. It’s poor form. If you’re talking about your exes, thinking it’s an indicator that you liked them and you’re “grounded in reality,” you’re delusional. The idea you’re planting isn’t “what a great guy that so many other women tolerated him for a while,” it’s “if he’s so great, why isn’t he still with them; either they all dumped him or he’s a serial dater asshole.”

    But women, I think, are greatly attached to the idea that love is always new and immaculate and magical and erases everything that went before it.

    Wrong again. No one thinks that the past can be erased by “new love.” But if you’re constantly talking about your past and all the wonderful partners you’re no longer with, you’re not very focused on the person across from you and thinking about the future. Or the real person (as opposed to the exes or sexbot in your head) across from you. The jeans analogy just highlights this. Clue: people aren’t made of denim.

    I think the solution is to work out all the time

    Yeah, gym rats think like that. They just don’t think much beyond that.

    Maybe very few people online have actually had serious relationships.

    No, they probably have. Just not with avery. Because he’s not really serious. Except in the fantasy world of his own head, which appears to be where he actually lives…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 1

    • Avery_t Says:

      lostsailor,

      you’re not saying anything.

      you wrote:

      men like women are looking for the “best” they think they deserve, not necessarily the best they think they can get or the best that might be the best fit for them.

      Here, you’re using “best” in two very different senses. Your use of the word “best” in your previous post (yesterday) was the first sense. You did NOT mean the best fit. You were referring to some abstract notion of best (as in “objectively better than others” and not as in “most well-suited”). That’s what I was responding to.

      You wrote:

      hallow bullshit. Most men I know might harbor a fantasy of a compliant sexbot on occasion, but would never accept that in real life, and would think any man who would settle for a “sexbot” a loser. The rest of the BS about women “competing” for a higher-status sexbot is also BS.

      I see the issue here: People are upset by the idea that sexbots are created just for sex. Okay. That’s a fine objection. I love sex and would have it 20 times a week. I think sex is the highest function of humans. That’s just my feeling about it. Therefore, I don’t see it as any sort for degradation. I would love to be a sexbot. But I see why the idea irks some people. Anyhow…you missed my point, which is just that for most men it just matters that women are “attractive enough”. I’m not sure how better to convey this. Maybe it’s the same with height for women. As long as a guy is not short, he’s attractive enough. To me, as long as a woman isn’t chubby, she’s probably attractive enough. She doesn’t have to be uncommonly beautiful or exotic looking. Just not fat. That’s actually all I was trying to illustrate with the doofy sexbot example, but people (understandably) assume that I meant some lab-perfected version of robotic femininity. I didn’t mean that. I just meant “thin”. Pretty much every comment I ever make about looks and stuff are about weight.

      My point is that while men absolutely do have very personal preferences, most guys just want a girl who isn’t fat. But women (at least online) seem to want men who are perfect specimens of masculinity. Not so much in real life, but online they describe Christian Greys. I think if you looked at a lot of men’s profiles, the only real sentiment about looks that men express is “you stay in shape.” Men don’t seem to be writing whole paragraphs about ideal women. But women sometimes do this about ideal men.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 10

      • Nicole Says:

        “That’s actually all I was trying to illustrate with the doofy sexbot example, but people (understandably) assume that I meant some lab-perfected version of robotic femininity. I didn’t mean that. I just meant “thin”. ”

        Oh, well then, if by sexbot you just meant thin and “attractive enough”… Phew. What a relief. And here I was getting all offended because I thought you used the term to reduce women to their physical appearance. Oh, wait… you were.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

      • Nia Says:

        I would like to politely refute that men are not writing whole paragraphs about ideal women. On many dating ads I have seen there are extremely specific requirements, some physical “must be in shape” some cultural or interest-based. I’ve also seen many ads phrased in the negative “No cats because I’ve learned y’all are cah-razzzy” (yeah, that’s an exact quote burned in my mind for its awfulness) or in the no-exceptions “MUST BE EMPLOYED. NO GAMES!”

        I’ve seen men insist that a woman love a certain kind of music, exact weight ranges, ads that say “I think tattoos are ugly, please have virgin skin” and on and on. I have seen clueless dudes post the same ad over and over “Looking for my Double D fantasy! Do people stare when you walk down the street? Call me!” (Again, exact quote burned in mind!)

        I think both genders are looking for someone specific, and in all honesty, it would hurt my feelings to know that a man found me merely “attractive enough”. I think it’s a dangerous road to walk down to say “all men ____” or “all women _____”. It makes for interesting comments, but underneath it all, people are looking for someone they find attractive, that they have chemistry with, and that they can get along with—both genders are!!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

  8. ATWYSingle Says:

    I’m utterly fascinated by this guy’s obsession with celebrity culture and knowledge of actresses. It demonstrates how all of his ideas of romance and sex and mating are drawn from movies. It’s creepy.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 0

    • Goldie Says:

      Funny how he doesn’t realize that, to a lot of us, a thorough knowledge of female actresses and chick flicks in a man is quite a turn-off.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • Avery_t Says:

      I just use those women because we all know what they look like. If I said “my ex Lisa” or “my ex Jenny”, you would have absolutely no visual association. The celebrities are just well known bodies.

      On okcupid, women use body type descriptors, but nobody has any real idea what any one of those descriptors describes. IT would be much more USEFUL if women used celebriries to describe their body type. Christina Hendricks. Megan Fox. Linda Hamilton. Etc.

      You yourself mention Christina Hendricks to describe your own body type in your profile. How is that any different from my saying “my ex had a Kristin Stweart type body and that’s what I like.” If you can invoke Hrndicks without being accused of creepy celebrity worship, then I can invoke Megan Fox and Jessica Biel to clarify my preferred body type. Id YOUR knowledge of Hendrick’s body type creepy?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 9

  9. noquay Says:

    Soooo… if we chix all just lost weight, we’d totally change male to female ratios in nearly all demographic groups and the men would magically become self supporting, good looking, get rid of any addictions, and themselves get into shape?! Gee, gonna sign up for another ultramarathon RIGHT NOW!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

    • Avery_t Says:

      Soooo… if we chix all just lost weight, we’d totally change male to female ratios in nearly all demographic groups and the men would magically become self supporting, good looking, get rid of any addictions, and themselves get into shape?! Gee, gonna sign up for another ultramarathon RIGHT NOW!

      Aren’t the number of men and women about even? I don’t know population studies.

      Anyhow, your comment is about female choice of men. That’s fine. But that’s not what my comment was about and you know that. People on this blog seem to say what they know others want to hear, even if it means misinterpreting the comment to which they are replying. My comment was just that men most times men reject women it’s because of weight. My comment had nothing to do with why women pick men. It was about why men pick women. Women’s preferences in men have no effect on how men see women. They just affect how women see men.

      But it is true that my comment didn’t take into consideration women who reject men (for whatever reason). That’s a different topic.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        “Aren’t the number of men and women about even? I don’t know population studies.”

        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_sex_ratio
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_sex_ratio

        However, the smaller the group, the more the numbers will vary from their parent population. For instance, the US as a whole is equal for ages 15-64, but blue states tend to have an excess of women and red states tend to have an excess of men.

        A ratio like 95 men to 100 women doesn’t seem like a big deal, but when 90 of each are already coupled up, that leaves 5 single men for 10 single women, which is enough to radically change the dynamics of dating.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

        • Steve From The City Next Door Says:

          In almost all cities in the US there are more single men then women – especially when you look at the under ~55 or so age range. This is the best source I could quickly come up with http://jonathansoma.com/singles/#2/8/2/0

          As Crotch Rocket’s comment suggests, the available singles in the market are important numbers. That is if the ratio is 120 men to 100 women and 99 of those are coupled Hence (120-99):(100-99) you get 21 available men per 1 available women. Thus 21 men are in competition for that 1 woman.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

      • D. Says:

        I suppose it depends on what you mean by “rejection.” If you mean it in the broadest possible sense, including anyone whose profile you skipped over, anyone whose email you didn’t respond to, anyone at a bar over whom your eyes passed without registering any level of interest, then you might be able to claim that it’s mostly due to a lack of physical attraction. But “lack of physical attraction” doesn’t mean “weight.”

        As far as anyone I actually went on a date with, though, I’d say it was almost never a lack of physical attraction. I’d say about 98% of the women I went out with looked exactly like their profiles, or I’d already met them in person and knew I was attracted to them physically. When it didn’t work and I was the one saying “No thanks,” it was almost never due to not finding them physically attractive, and literally was never about weight.

        Even with respect to people whose profiles I skipped past or whom I ignore at a bar, it isn’t because of weight. I wouldn’t go attributing your personal preferences to “most men” any more than I’d try suggesting that “most men prefer a woman who isn’t a strict vegetarian.” Our idiosyncratic preferences are just that.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

  10. Yvonne Says:

    This guy is asinine. We just had the newly married numbskull droning on about how she’s no longer wasting her bagels, now this idiot. C’mon, Moxie, there are people out there writing intelligently about relationships. Why not feature some of them?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 3

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I had a medical issue last night and a follow up appointment today. I’m uncomfortable and don’t feel well. Next time, I’ll be sure to push through so I can give you something to comment on.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

    • C Says:

      I was thinking the same thing initially but I think the Avery post kind of makes sense. People like controversy. It certainly got a discussion going!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

  11. Tinker Says:

    Why breathe life into Avery though?
    I hope you feel better soon Moxie. Of course you aren’t up to composing a post. But Avery?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I chose it because it was so insipid.

      When I have health scares, my anxiety gets triggered and I end up having what feels like a power surge through my body. It’s a benign growth. It’s nothing. It’s being removed. Doctors gave me an all clear. But that doesn’t prevent my system from going into overdrive. I literally have zero energy. I cut and pasted the comments and just let it go. Then I fell asleep for 3 hours because of the anxiety.

      I also ended up getting in to it on Twitter with a friend of Jessica’s who works with her at The Frisky as a result of today’s earlier post, which just exacerbated the fatigue. I don’t mean that as an insult. It literally just sapped me of energy. She tweeted at me, I responded. It went on for a bit. The end. When I have an episode like this, I can’t take noise or chaos or conflict of any kind. I can’t even deal with bright light. So of course I had to have my sister hound me for my signature on a document and had to tell her I wouldn’t be signing it until certain terms were met. That resulted in yet another tense back and forth. Hence my 3 hour disco nap.

      Guys, I’m tired. I’m just …tired. My Dad used to say that all the time, and now I kind of get it. The constant tension and conflict and bitching and pulling on him. It’s just too much. I realize that people think I’m steely and resilient, so I understand why people are all, “Huh?” with this post, but I have my moments of total weakness, too. Today was one of them.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

      • Tinker Says:

        Understood and sorry to add to any anxiety you are feeling. You gotta do what you gotta do.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      • Ben Iyyar Says:

        Moxie, you have every right to feel tired, exhausted, weak, and vulnerable, just waiting for the results of the examination of a suspicious growth can be profoundly disturbing and destructive. And you should definitely take some time off for yourself for rest and to consider how this affected you.
        I say this from the other side, I was given the news a couple of years ago that my cancer had spread from the original site to my ribs. I was devastated when my oncologist gave me the horrible news, but just the suspicion that my cancer had spread almost destroyed me.
        I am happy for you that your examination was positive, I believe that God has blessed you for a good reason.

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  12. Ben Iyyar Says:

    I understand where “Avery” is coming from because when I was 13 or 14 years old I was in the same place, using juvenile fantasies about sexy willing women to masturbate over and as a substitute for real women. Since that was all that was available to me at that time I went with it. As an adult I still occasionally have similar fantasies, but after I had real intimate experiences with real flesh and blood women I quickly realized just how juvenile and even infantile my teen age fantasies were and I would never again consider a grown woman in the same silly and shallow way. Worse, “Avery” seems to apply the same juvenile and empty headed standard to grown women, that they still believe that they are a Sleeping Beauty/Cinderella waiting to be carried off by a handsome and wealthy Prince/ Knight in Shining Armor! Look “Avery” most of us, men and women alike, get over these sexual fantasies by the time we actually have intercourse for the first time, certainly by the time we turn 20 or 21. In fact I almost found “Avery’s” comments to be comical, surely no grown up man could seriously write such stuff.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

    • Avery_t Says:

      Ben Iyyar,

      You seem to be saying that strong physical attraction is not a key element of your overall interest in a mate. Okay. We are different. I would say that I applaud you, but I don’t think your attitude is better or worse than other attitudes.

      Your comment is not entirely off target, however. I grew up looking at Penthouse, and the majority of women I have been involved with have had that type of body. Furthermore, my mom was very slim when I was young (5′ 3″/106lbs). So, it doesn’t surprise me that most of my mate choices are a similar height and wight.

      For the record, I have been in long relationships. I have nursed sick girlfriends back to health. I have done all the good menchy things good menchy men do. My college gf got food poising from a salad bar in the East Village. She slept on the living room floor because it closer to the bathroom than our bed. So, i slept on the floor with her that night.

      I’m a thin guy who likes thing girls. That’s really all there is to it. If that’s horribly sinister, then I am horribly sinister. If that’s totally understandable, then I am totally understandable.

      I do not think it’s juvenile to want to experience physical attraction. Maybe it is. Many people claim that it’s shallow. I’m in my 40’s and see that women in their mid 20’s are not really into me. Is that shallow of them?

      You wrote this:

      I quickly realized just how juvenile and even infantile my teen age fantasies were and I would never again consider a grown woman in the same silly and shallow way

      So, are you saying all physical attraction is juvenile and you would never ever again feel pure sexual attraction? Does that go the other way too? Is it shallow and juvenille for women to want to feel sexual attraction? If so, is it bad that women may think a fortysomething man is too old? Age is just a number. It’s not a phone number unfortunately. But it’s a number.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 6

  13. NASHWC Says:

    With online dating, what I have discovered is that women consistently seek a guy is *better* than them. As well, most often their *demands* include characteristics that even they do not bring to the table. Hell, I am living, breathing proof that, as a rule, women simply do not want what they say they want. There’s always something more about her man that they desire.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 6

  14. NASHWC Says:

    With online dating, what I have discovered is that women consistently seek a guy that is *better* than them. As well, most often their *demands* include characteristics that even they do not bring to the table. Hell, I am living, breathing proof that, as a rule, women simply do not want what they say they want. There’s always something more about her man that they desire.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 8

  15. Goldie Says:

    “What i look for in a woman is version of my ex-girlfriends. I liked most of them. I was into all of them. When I do online dating, I sense that many women are seeking men who in no way shape or form resemble men they have ever dated.

    Women seem to HATE it when men talk about ex-girlfriends. But it’s GOOD, if the men liked those women, because it means men’s wishes and hopes are grounded in reality. But women, I think, are greatly attached to the idea that love is always new and immaculate and magical and erases everything that went before it. That seems very Immaculate Conception or very New heaven and New Earth. It’s like messianic attitude toward love. For men, it’s more like denim. I love this wash and that fabric blend, but the cut is wrong. If I could JUST find a pair with the same wash and fabric blend, but the right cut, I’d never take those jeans off. I’d wear them forever.”

    Daym! I guess it’s true what they say about even a broken clock being right twice a day… I actually agree with this – not in the sense that “all women do this” and “all men do that”, but in the sense that we need to learn from our past relationships, note what worked for us and what didn’t, and in our future searches, stick with the first and avoid the second.

    I am guilty of telling ex stories on occasion. I love a funny story and my exes, in hindsight, were pretty hilarious dudes who did some pretty hilarious stuff.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 3

    • fuzzilla Says:

      There’s a difference between talking about your ex-es as a way to share your own history (“My ex- and I vacationed there,” “I learned a lot in my last relationship about what I want and don’t want”) versus talking about them in such minute detail that you picture their sexual technique or hear about how devastated his ex- was about her four miscarriages or whatever…

      I get that we all have pasts that made us who we are today, and it’s silly to think *any* ex- talk is an automatic deal breaker, but come on… The oversharing ex- stories make me feel like I’m being treated like a therapist and/or like the guy sees women as basically interchangeable. At the very least, it shows very poor social skills.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

      • C Says:

        I dont know if anyone else can related but there comes a point in relationships that i’ve been in where I’m curious about my partners past. Was he married before? Why did it end? How recent was his last relationship? What was his attitude toward his exes (fond, bitter, regretful, indifferent)? I think all of this tells me a lot about the person I’m with not the least of which is: is he over his exes and how well does he handle conflict?

        Thats very different from someone who is trying to relive his past, makes inappropriate sexual references or compares you to the ex. End of day, if someone makes you feel worse then you would feel if you were alone, why in the world would you stay?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

        • fuzzilla Says:

          **End of day, if someone makes you feel worse then you would feel if you were alone, why in the world would you stay?**

          As I said, I didn’t. And he did make me feel good most of the time, but man, when he dropped the ball, shit fell hard…

          My main point in bringing all this up was that I now feel like I kind of get what some people were saying here in the past about, “It’s not the partner number, it’s the *way* someone talks about ex-es that’s off-putting…”

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

  16. Jess Says:

    I don’t know what kind of people Avery hangs out with, but I hope I never meet them.

    “An old building-mate of mine who was running a small bookstore (a labor of love) proposed to his hot girlfriend (he’s tall, handsome, and very intelligent). She said “yes, on the condition that you give up the bookstore and get a real job.””

    Really? The only thing you can say about this girl is that she was “hot”? And both you and your friend were surprised when she turned out to be extremely shallow and gave no shits about the wants and needs and passions of her boyfriend? She’s hot and he’s hot so they should live happily ever after, right?

    I just..can’t. I’m so tired of hearing that average, short, big, homely, what-have-you people CAN’T POSSIBLY be happy with who they are, because maybe they don’t have a SO.

    Yes, being objectivly “hot” will get you noticed in a bar or on the street. Yeah. So what? Congrats…you have a bunch of randos who don’t care about anything except nailing their ideal “sexbot”. Yup, lemme hop right on that train. People have types. People have preferences. Attractiveness varies for everyone.

    Maybe my viewpoint is skewed because I’ve had an a-typical big girl experience. Maybe that’s because I’m endowed in the areas boys like (butt, boobs, thighs, yes please). Maybe it’s because, as Moxie repeatedly says on here, I know my audience.

    Or, maybe, just maybe, I bring more to the table than a pretty face and a big booty. Yes, guys like it when you have hobbies and passions and are not just waiting to throw yourself off a cliff because you’re single.

    There might have been a point in that rant.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 2

    • Avery_t Says:

      They are both good looking and both Ivy league educated. They have a lot in common. She wants children and thinks it’s a bit irresponsible for a man to continue to pursue a financially ruinous personal dream at the expense of being able to provide for a (future) family.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

      • Jess Says:

        Well, what about what he wants? Shouldn’t they have had this conversation before getting engaged?

        If she’s Ivy League educated, why can’t she find a decent job and be the breadwinner of the family? Oh, wait. That would be waaay too progressive. She needs her manz to fall dutifully in line with traditional gender roles, instead of realizing his own dreams.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 5

        • Avery_t Says:

          Fair point. She’s French. Maybe no work visa?

          But my WHOLE point was that women often have conditions for men. Women seem to think it’s men who ask women to jump through hoops. My point in bringing that example up was simply that women make men jump through hoops too. It’s not exactly jumping through a hoop.

          From what I see online, a huge portion of the discourse about dating is how shallow men are about women’s looks. As a guy, I see it differently. I see women demanding that men look a certain way,earn a certain amount, live a certain lifestyle, etc..

          That example was just about showing that women make demands too. That’s all.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

          • Jess Says:

            If that’s the case, that’s a whole different can of worms.

            I agree with your points, even though I don’t think your example was the best illustration of these points. There was more focus put on the “hotness” of each party.

            I think men and women put a bunch of conditions on each other, most of which have very little to do with the success of a relationship. And we all need to stop and re-evaluate these conditions, without falling into the perceived notion of “settling”.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

    • Timothy Horrigan Says:

      It sounds like his only 2 viable options are:

      1. dump the woman & keep the bookstore
      2. dump both the woman & the bookstore

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  17. mindstar Says:

    Oh goody Avery’s back! :-) Now I know they’ll be some hilarious stuff to read which will perk me up from my last post

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  18. manwich Says:

    I think the OP needs to just cut his losses and move to a country where prostitution is legal.

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  19. Jesse Says:

    Not to put words in his mouth, but isn’t Avery trying to say that if a guy finds a girl that is attractive enough, and doesn’t cause him too much grief, he’ll stay attracted? Doesn’t this describe most men? Once a woman passes a man’s individual threshold of attractiveness, don’t most men then short-term subscribe to a Grief/Attractiveness balance in women? Long term, a woman’s personality wins the day, but that’s the third stage of the launch –initially attractiveness, then mid-term it’s the grief /attractiveness balance, then long term, finally personality and compatibility are the basis for keeping the relationship going.

    I think that’s what Avery is trying to say, and if he is, I think he’s on to something. The ladies may not like it, but the men will understand.

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