How To Draw The People You Want To Your Online Dating Profile

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): hp6-rules-of-online-dating-and-flirting-for-men_big
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Comment: I just want to find the same as what I am offering..why so hard?

I am a male, 46, professionally employed, articulate, athlete and physique to match that, world-traveled, and live a very healthy lifestyle. I am trying to find a partner/girlfriend for a relationship who has similar values and values health and keeping fit as much as I do, but at the same time has some smarts upstairs. My age range (not set in stone) was around 35-45, but depends again on how well they take of themselves and personality. As I try to go younger, there is less of a common thread of references and values and less interest on their end, maybe because of my age. I just feel like if a woman met me, she would see how youthful I am and their image of a ‘mid-forties’ guy doesn’t apply to me. My profile must suck. I don’t know what I am doing wrong. Anyone?
Age: 46
City: Vancouver
State: British Columbia

I’ll take the soft approach first.

If dating someone who values health and a healthy lifestyle the way you do is paramount, then your profile has to be set up to not only make that clear in the right way but to draw those very people to you.

We’ll start with your profile text. Since key word searches are becoming more popular and common, you need to be sure that your profile contains a healthy number of buzz words. It’s not enough to say that you’re active or that you live a healthy lifestyle. You must be specific. This goes for anybody seeking someone who values or enjoys something particular and wishes to find someone who shares that interest. Just saying you like the outdoors or going to the gym doesn’t work. Everybody says that, which means you’ll be lumped in with a bunch of profiles and that person might never even get to your profile because they’ve scrolled through so many. The goal is to come up in a search where there aren’t so many options so that the person looking will actually view your profile. How do you live a healthy lifestyle? Do you eat an organic diet? (Key word organic) Are you doing Bikram or Vinyasa Yoga twice a week? (key words Bikram and Vinyasa). Do you hike certain trails in your area? Name them. Do you interval train? Say that. Don’t say that you just run. Anybody can say they’re fit. The people who just use a bunch of common descriptors and don’t offer examples are often exaggerating just how “something” they are. Fact.

lieshouse

Next up, do not – and I repeat – DO NOT say that you want to meet a woman who likes to stay fit or leads a healthy lifestyle. Those terms are far too subjective and are often interpreted differently. By what you share in your profile it should be obvious. What you consider active and most of the women who view your profile consider active will often vary greatly. It also makes you sound like a rigid douche. Men and women who state that they like a partner with a particular build come off like they have this specific idea of attractiveness. Sorry, nobody wants to date someone who is going to be counting their calories for them, or who might buy them a gym membership “just because”,  or who might run screaming if they gain twenty pounds over time. Life happens. The idea that you or anybody is going to meet someone whose body never changes is insane. Saying something like, “fitness is important to me” is interpreted as, “no fatties. I live at the gym and so should you.” Sorry, not everybody has that kind of time in their day.

barney

One of your photos should you depict you doing something active. One. ONE. Not three. If you’re as active and healthy as you claim, then it should be obvious by some of your photos. Shirtless pics of your abs or gym selfies (I just..staaaap with those) are no-no’s. If you want to document your progress and post those pics to Facebook or Instagram, go for it. You worked hard, you deserve to show off  a bit. But they don’t belong on your dating profile. In that context, you look clueless and narcissistic.

wonkagym

Your username is also a good place to reflect what it is that you prioritize. Are you a gamer? Then incorporate a popular gaming term into your username. More intellectual? Then work the usage of a publication or theory or famous personality known for their intellect into your alias. If it’s someone active and healthy you seek, follow the same advice. You want to make it as easy as possible for people to find you and click on that thumbnail.

If there are sections or questions that revolve around a subject or interest or lifestyle choice important to you, fill those sections out completely and with specifics. You love to travel? Where have you been? What are your favorite locations? You want someone who appreciates a certain kind of music, then list specific artists. Utilize all of the sections that a profile offers. Key words, baby. Key words.

Okay, so I’ve indulged your desires. Now comes that hard approach.

I just feel like if a woman met me, she would see how youthful I am and their image of a ‘mid-forties’ guy doesn’t apply to me.

I’m going to say to you what I say to women who insist upon dating younger men. Nobody cares about your youthful appearance. They care about how old you are. Full stop. End scene. They don’t feel they have enough in common with someone seven to ten or so years older than them. How good you look isn’t the issue.

Personally, I find the active/healthy reasoning is an excuse to try and date younger than someone reasonably can. You’re chasing youth. That’s what you’re doing. You’re pursuing an idea of something because you can’t reconcile with the reality of your situation.

 

 

 

 

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40 Responses to “How To Draw The People You Want To Your Online Dating Profile”

  1. mari Says:

    ughh..all the profiles sounds like this – i am amazingly fit, seriously smart, world traveled and I need an amazingly fit, smart younger women. If you are sooo amazing why haven’t your been snatched up yet. Women don’t believe that you are that amazing or you wouldn’t be single. So..try to put some facts in your profile. Maybe you are training for your 30th marathon this year, and you go to museums and collect art and read only books that have to do with higher math, and you have been to 13 countries in the last five years..in which case maybe you will attract a 30 year old woman who wants to have babies with your amazing genes..but if you are most likely a smart, normal, fit guy..then try to create an interesting profile that says that..without demanding that a women by superwomen (because frankly she’s most likely taken already!)

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 7

    • Howard Says:

      Very accurate indeed, All the profiles sound like that indeed. So if you are really that, it’s hard to convince anyone on the big box online dating sites. So let’s get to some hard facts. If you are really that, then you should do better when meeting women offline.

      It’s kinda obvious that the problems you have offline, are the same problems that you are having online. And believe it or not, that is the problem we all face with online dating. You have to fix yourself period. Online is a false hope.

      So let’s exam the problems that you have.

      Problem number 1. You are simply looking in the wrong places. Why look for a needle in a haystack when you can find that needle easier in a sewing factory? Instead of match.com, try therightstuff.com or fitnessingles.com In terms of offline, get to places where these women socialize. And trust me, bars are the worst places.

      Problem number 2. You may indeed be heavy, as we used to say back in the seventies, but you really have to tone down the way you come off. Trust me, if you meet your female counterpart, and you come off the way you came off in your letter, she will be offended. Don’t forget, she is heavy too. There are lots of ways to express that you are a heavy-hitter without being this fronted. If you are really all that, then figure out how to do it. I never met a super-wealthy person, who told me he or she was wealthy. But it didn’t take me very long to figure out that they were wealthy.

      Problem number 3. You have not figured out, what most guys know about making do. Street smart guys work with what comes their way. The first reason is that we often misjudge people, and we can often find that diamond in the rough if we only got off our high horse. The second reason is that some success is better than no success. It also helps to keep our mindset and social skills intact.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 7

    • Eliza Says:

      I agree with Mari. Full stop and 100%. I absolutely hate to hear online or verbally “I am 51, but look 40″. No…that’s YOUR perception of YOU, it may not coincide with my opinion. Case in point…this man I recently met for (coffee) – and that’s all–thank goodness. Early 50’s – not an issue for me…I am 46. I NEVER state how old I look. I am 46-end of story. Take it or leave it. I am not going to change that. He kept going on and on about how he loves to workout, and he looks much younger than his age, because he takes good care of himself…watches his diet, and is slim, and actually has the same frame/body as he had in high-school. Sure.
      Well, eventually i saw him – in person. He had a paunchy belly! Yes, he wasn’t obese–but he had a stomach, and not the body of some 20, 30 or even 40 year old very fit man – similar to what I HAVE seen in the gym.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 6

      • C Says:

        Well, I dont think thats completely fair. Some people are just delusional. I’ve met people who surprised me when they told me either how old they were or how young they were. Its possible the OP looks like he is in his late 30s. However, he is 46 and thats what matters. When someone asks me about my significant other, they ask me how old my boyfriend IS, not how old he LOOKS.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

      • Howard Says:

        I learned the hard way to leave that alone. I stopped giving the fair warning. People didn’t seem to like my fair warning, so I left it up to them to adjust after the fact. It didn’t matter that much to me because I preferred women closer to my age and was never after women ten years or more younger than me.

        What I always said was: “I look the way I look. I think I am doing well, but you judge.” Now upon meeting women, it was always another story. I have been accused of outright deception. I have been asked to see my driver’s license. I have been told my driver’s license was a fake. It was always the same, “you can’t be that old”.

        So there is a reverse to the “age you look like” thing. One woman flatly told me that I looked too boyish for her to be comfortable dating. She said that I should have warned her on my profile.

        My response was always to deadpan and say. That’s how we’re supposed to look, I do look my age. That most people look the way they do, is because of lifestyle and most importantly, what they believe.

        There is an intimidation and jealousy factor involved in this “looking younger” thing. In meeting people in real life, I have found that people respond in very strange ways upon learning my age. They have me down in their heads as some young black guy, and are then forced to readjust their thinking.

        The one thing I will say about online dating is that it is very different from meeting people in real life. The power of our personalities can often overcome many things when meeting people offline. With online we don’t have that luxury. Everything happens quickly, just a quick glance of our profiles by most. So we do have to play these little games, to not trigger the wrong things in people.

        We have to avoid that “way we look thing”. We have to be careful with our listed desirable age range. We have to not come off as self-centered as we describe ourselves, a very difficult task. We have to pick pics that do us enough justice, but don’t border on deception. We men may just even have to skip the “what we want in a woman” part. At the very least, we have to be very careful writing that, because there are a lot of women looking to be easily offended.

        It’s the reason that I tell people to not be so heavily dependent on online dating. When the stakes get too high, there is bound to be disappointment.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

        • C Says:

          I totally agree that meeting people in real life is much easier in some ways.

          Chemistry can be very enigmatic. I’ve found that we arent very good at predicting where chemistry will strike so when chosing our preferences online, we tend to refer to the features that we have found attractive in the past.

          For example, online, I favor blue eyed, tall, military men or professionals who were within 5 years of my age and very fit.

          In real life, I found myself dating several manual laborers, a couple of 26 year olds as well as a couple of 48 year olds, many if not most had dark features, some were obese and one was underweight.

          Conversely, we tend to dismiss most of the people we select online.

          I guess I’m partial to old school dating.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 4

  2. Steve Says:

    I am close to your age and similar lifestyle and find a decent response rate from about 39 to 42 or so with an occasional early to mid 30s. The ones that look older and heavier in person I am not interested in. Some I think are lying about their ages and/or have older photos. The ones I want to see again are those that have preserved their attractiveness for the most part; these are harder to get second meetings with, because other guys will be judging their attractiveness similarly. Still, at least online, this is a reasonable age range to target. Generally I agree about the advice of being more specific and toning down the part about looking for the same, as they may feel they don’t meet your expectations. If you want to go younger, spend more time pursuing them in real life situations, where your personality and lifestyle will be more apparent and you won’t be filtered by age as readily as online.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

  3. Carlota Says:

    Stating your younger woman preference may very well be alienating the fit/ intellectual/ well-travelled younger woman whom you are hoping to attract. I think the attitude, not the profile, is what actually sucks. You seriously can’t date a woman the same age as you? That’s a red flag for me.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 49 Thumb down 5

    • Nicole Says:

      Amen to this. I’m 34 and date men in their 40s, but I always passed over the guys whose desired age range stopped before their own age. It just looks like they’re immature, out to prove something, or only want a trophy.
      To the OP – list a reasonable age range (maybe 35-50) and then go ahead and ignore messages from women you think are too old. Also, if your profile says anything about being youthful, young for your age, looking young, etc, take that out. No one believes it, and it sounds like you’re insecure and having a mid life crisis.
      You’re 46. Nothing wrong with being 46. If you don’t make a big deal of it, people (including younger women) are less likely to care about your age and more likely to notice what you have to offer.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 34 Thumb down 3

      • M. Says:

        agree with Nicole 100%. Also, when you see that cutoff age you will know that women that are closer to your own age will be turned off and less likely to contact you or reply to you. If a man who is 38 and has a cutoff age of 35 contacts me I am not likely to take him seriously because the unspoken message I get is “I’d rather take the 28-year-old but you are decent for your age”. You know that the thing this guy dreads is “having to” date someone close to his age.

        So you are losing the women that are closer to the cutoff age. Don’t alienate them because those are your best bets among the “younger” crowd. The age selection is the second most important thing I look in a profile after the photos, before reading the profile text. A man can have ok photos but the age thing will be a deal breaker for a lot of people – even if you fit into HIS age selection.

        A man who is “hot” for his age and perceived as attractive will likely not need to actually make these kinds of statements on his profile.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 3

      • Goldie Says:

        “Amen to this. I’m 34 and date men in their 40s, but I always passed over the guys whose desired age range stopped before their own age.”

        Same here, except I’m 46 and date men in their early 50s. But yes, for a man listing an age cutoff that’s below his own age is a turnoff to me, even if I fall into his age range.

        ” Also, if your profile says anything about being youthful, young for your age, looking young, etc, take that out. No one believes it, and it sounds like you’re insecure and having a mid life crisis.”

        Yup.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 5

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I don’t think most 35 or even 40 year old women would care that his age range was 35-45. The only women who would care are the women he doesn’t want to date. Age ranges are rarely ever set in stone or hard and fast. They’re usually an approximation. Plus, the women he seeks – the ones who “value fitness and a healthy lifestyle” (read: cling to youth) usually have an identical approach and won’t date men older than them. In the end, it works out.

      The only people who irk me are the ones in the OP’s age range who refuse to date anyone over 40 because they still want kids. That’s true insanity. The OP’s age range really isn’t as offensive as everyone is making it out to be.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 11

  4. Mark Says:

    And???

    Actually, I’m totally serious about that question.

    I’ll take you at your word with respect to your brief description of yourself. So far so good. By that I mean successful, well traveled and a other good attributes.

    The thing is, you sounded a little too generic. There didn’t seem to be any real personality behind it all. IE professional – that could mean just about anything. Well traveled – lot’s of people travel. It’s not all that hard in this day in age. Physically fit – many people work out at the gym. So what?

    It sounds almost like a CV. But is your target audience interested in a resume or are they looking for something else? That else being someone who sounds intriguing to them in a visceral sort of way. Better think hard about that last one especially since you are aiming for a younger woman. What are you offering that any number of similar, slightly younger guys just don’t have? You better have a pretty good answer for that one.

    It’s a fine line to walk. You make these points while at the same time not coming across as sounding like you are counting coupe as to your accomplishments or attributes. Most people aren’t that good at it. Plain and simple.

    Summary:

    Photo’s – This attracts someone’s interest.

    You have only one change to make a good first impression. So you better make ‘em count. A few showing your various sides is probably a good idea. Closeup of face, you in a favorite activity, etc.

    Profile – this keeps someone’s interest.

    Short but not too short. Certainly not stock. If you are not looking for a stock person to date, then you had better be the same. Most people are not professional athletes, rock stars and the like. They can get away with that sort of thing. The vast majority of everyone else can’t.

    Initial meeting/date- is the chemistry there?

    Yep it cuts both ways. Them for you and vice versa. someone can look absolutely perfect on paper. But in real life…. Well, you get the idea.

    If you are finding that you are still coming up short in who you looking for then re adjust those sites accordingly.

    If you are still claiming that “I just feel like if a woman met me, she would see how youthful I am and their image of a ‘mid-forties’ guy doesn’t apply to me” then real life dating is probably your best bet. Especially if you have a winning personality that just does not come across on a static profile.

    But if you are still not getting desired results after that then you need to look in the mirror and be a little more objective about some things.

    Best of luck.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  5. M. Says:

    I’m on the age range the OP seeks (35) and I seek men of his age group.
    There is a reason women like older men like you, and it has to do with having certain qualities associated with age, like maturity, willingness to settle down and stability.

    Secondly women my age are grappling with the “kids” issue and you need to be clear on where you stand on that since many will look for men who want kids for sure. Also be clear on whether you are Ok with dating women with kids. I am guessing the answer is n, because it sounds like you want the stress-free part of relative youth, not the kids part.

    Also, you need to make sure you are clear on what you have to offer. In other words, you can be Mr. Triathlon and winner of millions of awards, but if you don’t sound like you want a partner, and you have the space for someone in your life, you are not going to be picked.

    I choose older men because I know this gives me leverage to choose within a wider range of men. However, if a 46 year old acts like the average 35 year old I have no reason to pick him, since I can also have a 35 year old who just wants “fun”. Younger women have no reason to have anything that is not serious with an older man. We can have that with men our age range. Older men should be aware of this. Please don’t try to come off as a 46-year-old player (“young dude”)”, that comes off very badly.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 5

    • Lisa Says:

      I so agree w/ this and w/ Mark’s comment about the OP’s profile reading like a curriculum vita. The profile is supposted to let me (general me) know what in it for me, too, not just a chance for the OP to brag on himself.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  6. Boston Robin Says:

    Ugh. Can we please make it a Rule to ask for an age range in which our own is the midpoint? At least pretend that you have a clue.

    I have actually met some of these “only younger” people and they always look older than they claim (what, because everyone says they look younger so they lie?) and are just awful in general. Don’t be that person.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 7

    • Dori Says:

      I am not sure this is a good idea. When I see a guy who claims to be 45 and is looking for women in 35-55 range, my guess is that he is lying about his age and is in his (hopefully early!) fifties.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 1 Thumb down 22

      • Howard Says:

        Shows you, with some people we can never win. The accepted for guys these days seem to be no more than ten years below your age and a few years above your age. For example for a 45 year man, 37 to 48. And it’s all politically correct bullshit that we all seem to have to play. Trust me, the women who are more than ten years younger than you, who like older guys, will still be interested in you, in spite of your listed desirable age range.

        On the female side, the politically correct thing seems to be, to list no more than a five years younger than her. The upper side seems to be, that a woman should list at least five years older than her. So it seems a forty five year old women might do well to list no lower than 40 as her bottom end, And she should list the upper end at least fifty. Of course it’s all balooney, because guys will contact her from all age groups. In the end, it’s about coming off as reasonable.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

      • JulesP Says:

        Odd comment Dori… why would a guy who “claims to be 45″ be lying about his age if he’s looking for a partner in the 35 to 55 age range??!

        Seems to me that such a man is just being realistic and keeping as many options as possible open.

        Nothing wrong with that.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

        • Steve Says:

          maybe because it’s rare she sees a man search for someone 10 years older (I never look at mens profiles to see what they actually do), so she is suspicious. It is interesting that women in the 30s age range will reject someone such as the poster for putting down a 35-45 range. What if the person was otherwise attractive and compatible; it seems silly. There are too many reasons one can get rejected already. I have no interest in dating someone 50 and up because they seem to be at a different stage of life, many with kids for years, and me never married. I also still want children, which is unlikely with 45 yo women and up.

          As for Moxie’s “They care about how old you are. Full stop. End scene. They don’t feel they have enough in common with someone seven to ten or so years older than them”. There are a number of posters that say they are OK with the posters stated age range and I myself get a good number of responses in the 7-10 range. Now for a 15 and up age difference, that may be a different story. Also, for whatever age difference there is, (lets assume 15 for sake of example), there is going to be a certain % that will reject you based on age alone. Maybe thats 75, 85, or 95%, who knows. But there is a small number who will not care. (Though again, there is less chance of finding someone like this online). If Charles Manson has a younger girlfriend, you should be able to also.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 11

          • ATWYSingle Says:

            The harping on his preferred age range is ridiculous. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s not like he selects 25-35 or 30-40. He’s 46 and is open to dating women in their early/mid forties. I doubt if someone who shared his interests and had what he was looking for would be dismissed if she were 46 or 47. Most people undercut the higher part of their age range so they don’t get emails from people too far out of it.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 12

      • Dori Says:

        I am sorry! I should have said ‘attractive and desirable guy’, not just ‘guy’. Because attractive and desirable 45 year old guys are not likely to be interested in 55 year old women. Thus they must be lying either about their age or about their preferences. I would think that they have more incentives to lie about the former.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 5

      • C Says:

        I always liked the guys who listed 18-99. Just shows they have a sense of humor and are open and fun.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

    • HammersAndNails Says:

      lol.. absolutely not.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  7. C Says:

    Wanted to add to the “if they met me they would see how youthful I am and that Im not a typical mid 40s guy”.

    I was in your target audience the last 4 years ago when i was online dating at 34. Personally, the youthful, exhostic older man thing works in our 20s. By our 30s a lot of us are thinking longer term. Sure you are great looking guy in your 40s, but 10 or 15 years from now, your age is going to take a much bigger tole on you then it will on a woman who is currently 35. I’m sure you’ve seen the couples and heard the complaints. The wide age gap becomes a big deal at 50 for some, at 60 for others. People slow down and start to have age related health issues AND they start to look old.

    Granted, there are always women who will prefer older men. I have a really gorgeous girlfriend who’s last 2 serious relationships were with a gorgeous 51 y/o when she was in her early to mid 30s and a super fit guy in his late 40s when she was about 35/36. And she is smart and accomplished too. But both of these “youthful” guys owned their own advertising companies and were very accomplished guys in her field.

    If you want to go for younger women, you may have more luck offline where they wont instantly see your number.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 9

  8. M. Says:

    Just one last comment, I feel there is a misconception from the men’s side, women who are ok with dating older men do so NOT because you look younger – because you don’t.

    You do not look young compared to the men our age, no matter how good you might think you look. We don’t compare you to men your age, we compare you to men OUR age and you will lose on that. Your selling point is that you have the qualities that men our own age lack. Emphasize other qualities, because if we were going to pick a man based on his body alone, we’d go for the young ones. Don’t compete with younger men on what you will lose on. Emphasize the positives age has brought you.

    So emphasize your stability, willingness to settle down, goals accomplished, outlook on children and all that, that is what we seek in an older partner, not their “athleticism”. Even if that is a huge part of your life, that should come after you have listed the other stuff. The 35-42 crowd of women is probably the toughest out there since so many are holding out the hope for children and/or marriage in the traditional sense and most will have to cut men who don’t seem serious enough on the early stages. Among these are single mothers who also seek someone serious for obvious reasons. So you are left with a small percentage of women who do not want kids right off the bat and who also are attracted to significantly older men as well as men their own age probably. And most the men your age will be interested in her as well, so you see how the numbers might not be on your side.

    I think it gets harder to maintain “player” status a man ages, unless he is really wealthy or well-known (Donald Trump, Alec Baldwin, Leonardo diCaprio), in which case the younger woman (in her 20s probably) will not be interested in his “youthfulness” either, more on his money and status.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 16 Thumb down 7

  9. Lisa Says:

    You’re 46 but won’t consider dating a 46 y/o?? Sorry but to me that screams shallow, immature d-bag. (Not calling you one but when I see it on a profile, that’s what I think.) The last time, I was on a site, a 46 y/o guy messaged me. When I was reading thru his profile, I saw that his target age range is 30-40. Lost all interest right there…told him to plz get over himself. If you are on a site and your target age range is visible, that could be turning some viable potential matches off.

    I agree w/ the others; you should be specific about the activities you enjoy and talk about how fun it would be for you to have a wonderful woman in your life whom you could train w/, jog w/, deep sea dive w/, etc. your.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 9

  10. Goldie Says:

    “I am trying to find a partner/girlfriend for a relationship who has similar values and values health and keeping fit as much as I do”

    There’s nothing wrong with that. I love the outdoors, specifically, I love hiking. It is a big part of my life. I am looking for a partner that can join me for an intermediate/advanced level hike and not drop dead in the middle of it. This would be a nice addition to the time he and I spend together, and I wouldn’t have to sneak out without him anytime I want to go on a hike. Nothing wrong with that. I also like to eat healthy and would very much prefer a partner who also enjoys somewhat healthy food. Eating out and cooking together is a big part of a relationship, and if he cannot eat anything that’s not deep-fried, we’re going to have a problem finding middle ground. Again, nothing wrong with that in my opinion. However, I have not seen a correlation between physical shape, being physically active, and healthy eating, on one hand, and age on the other. I’ve met men and women in their 50s that can easily keep up with me (and enjoy doing it), as well as some people in their 50s that I cannot keep up with, and men and women in their early 40s who cannot, and don’t want to. And OP is ironically my exact age, except he would’ve ruled me out (and dozens of my hiking buddies as well) as not physically active enough, just based on our age. It’s 46, not 75. By placing the cutoff where he does, and going for the younger population, OP has ruled out a good number of the exact type of woman that he is looking for. It just makes no sense.

    Unless, of course, Moxie’s right and it is just an excuse to be chasing youth – but then the OP admits it himself that, as he goes younger, “there is less of a common thread of references and values”, so doesn’t sound like it’s working for him in ways that he’d like to.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 8

    • Nicole Says:

      “there is less of a common thread of references and values”

      This line had me scratching my head, honestly. We’re talking a five to ten year age gap. Is he spending his dates talking about stuff that happened in the early 1970s? And the only “values” mentioned in the letter were a healthy lifestyle, would think that would be as common in 35 year olds as 45 year olds.

      My ex was 47, current bf is 43, and honestly the only time the age difference ever comes up is deciding whether to listen to the 80s station or the 90s station on satellite radio.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 9

      • C Says:

        I dont think 5 years is going to cast a wide social gap. 10 years is more significant not just in terms of cultural references but life experience, place in life, and when folks will be hitting various life milestones and phases. This wont bean an issue for every couple, but many do struggle with it.

        It may not be a big deal when you are 33 and he is 45. It may become a big deal if you decide you want kids in your late 30s and he decides he is way past having kids in his early 50s. It may become an issue when he is 60 and wants nothing more than to retire and you are 48 and are excited to grow your career. It may become a problem when you are an active 55 year old and he starts getting tired fast in his late 60s, or doesnt want to travel, or his sexual appetite drops off.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 6

        • Nicole Says:

          I see where you’re coming from, with the kids thing. As someone who has no interest in having my own, I overlook the issue sometimes. My big reason for dating older guys (40+) is that more of them either already have kids or are child free by choice. Guys my age are way more likely to still want more kids, even if they already have one or two.

          As for the getting older at different rates… Sadly that’s an issue even if you’re the same age, sometimes, or at least there’s always the risk. My ex husband is only a year older than me but hasn’t exercised since college. Some health problems are age related but others are a lifestyle issue. I’ll take a 45 year old runner over a 35 year old couch potato any day.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

          • C Says:

            That makes sense. By their mid 40s, I think most guys have either had kids or come to terms with the fact that they wont.

            I suppose the age gap issues are really a matter of personal preference. I dated a much older guy for a couple of years pretty seriously and it just wasnt for me. I had no trouble relating to his pop culture references and his friends were very accepting but he was in a different place in life and I just felt out of place in it. And while he had a tons of energy, as a mid-50s guy he just looked kind of “old” to me and not nearly as attractive as the 30-somethings I’d dated previously, but thats just me.

            I know several men and women who are 8-19 years younger then their spouse and the marriages are happy and long lasting. So I suppose to each his own.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  11. Nicole Says:

    I think there is a lot of good advice here about whether or not dating younger women is a viable strategy, but I also wonder if this isn’t a situation where the OP is blaming his age for his lack of success when there’s something else going on. Sure, 35-40 year olds are going to be a tougher group for a 46 year old man, but there are plenty of women in that age group who are open to dating older guys.

    If a woman contacts you or responds to your initial message online, she knows your age and is ok with it, providing you measure up in other ways. If she loses interest after a few messages or a few dates, that’s NOT about the number, it’s about you. I don’t mean to be harsh, but it’s easy to get caught up on one factor and lose sight of others. Especially because “the age difference is too big” is an easy excuse for women to use when they don’t want to bother telling you the real reason they’re not interested.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 8

  12. NASHWC Says:

    Wow, I relate so much with the OP on this one. I’m in the same situation as far as lifestyle, fitness/health, career, background etc but just a year older. I would LOVE to connect with a woman at or near my age (and have been trying for over three years), but there are two major obstacles I constantly encounter in online (and offline) dating: 1) high rates of obesity and/or bad lifestyle choices, and 2) for those women I find that DO have very similar lifestyles to me, practically ALL want a guy much younger than them (preferred ranges from -10/-15 to +1). So it’s really disappointing (but not surprising) to see women commentators calling out guys for doing the same thing women do. I will say that I had put my desired range as -5/+5 but that didn’t seem to make any difference in my outcome. The problem remained with the consistent -10 or -15 desired age setting I saw on women’s profiles my age.

    We all know the lame, worn-out cliche of guys only wanting someone young but the reality is that for the most part women are this way too (as expressed in dating profiles). The other pretty consistent requirement from women is the “minimum 6ft height requirement” which effectively eliminates over 90% of guys (and I’m 6-2 btw, so I feel for all guys shorter than 6′). So for those who want to bash me for not wanting an obese woman, at least I’m only eliminating ~60-65% of the women out there. :)

    I left online sites altogether after experiencing these show-stoppers on such a consistent basis (including the default ‘catalog shopping mode’ women have on dating sites; there’s always someone better, amiright ladies?). In my experience (both online and offline), women my age just don’t desire guys (fit or not) near their own age (unless they are also rich/powerful); they just want “boy toys” or at least someone to make their life ‘exciting’ or to “one up” their girlfriends.

    So to answer the first comment from ‘mari’, I, the OP, and other just like us haven’t been “snatched up” yet because a woman who is our equal wants someone “more equal” (a.k.a. better) than her.

    I’m glad that Moxy gave space to a very real issue that 40’s men of quality (i.e. qualities that women are always saying they look for, but really aren’t) consistently face in the dating arena.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 13

    • NASHWC Says:

      As a follow up regarding the consistently minus 10-15 yr lower ranges I saw on women’s dating profiles over the course of 3+ yrs (off and on), I’ll reiterate that I was referring solely to those which I had an interest in (i.e. appeared equal in life story, maturity/stability and health habits). Now that I think about it, I do recall that those women who might generally be considered ‘less than appealing’ to most guys DID most often have realistic age ranges. But the minimum 6′ height requirement was nearly consistent across all, even for the short women (a joke to me; not so much for my vertically-challenged single buds)

      No matter for me, though. I’ve had far better results since ditching the online thing and just going with ‘cold’ approaches and well-practiced ‘game’ technique. The only remaining obstacle now is finding that one good woman who desires (and is deserving of) an exclusive LTR instead of just shallow ONS’s or rotating thru FWB’s. I suspect I may have to move to another country (or far away from population centers) to find that. Until then, I’m going to have fun under the ‘new rules’ we’ve all inherited via feminism.

      Finally, a lot of people (mostly men) complain about the feminism wave and the ‘empowerment’ women feel from abandoning their traditional roles (while expecting men to adhere to theirs, of course. Duh) nor abide by any moral constraints, but really it’s a true blessing to those in ‘playa’ (or d-bag or @sshole) mode as it has never been easier to score a bit of fun for such a low investment. :)

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  13. Yvonne Says:

    Here’s a possible solution: consider dating women your own age or a few years OLDER than you are. Why is the cutoff a year younger? I’m not sure what dating sites NASHWC is looking at, but when I’ve read women’s profiles, most are looking for someone a few years younger to a few years older (up to 5-10 years either way). That’s what I do, as well as my friends who are online. However, men routinely start their age ranges 15-20 years younger, which is going to give women who are on the older end of the spectrum, pause.

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  14. noquay Says:

    Too bad the OP isn’t living here and about 10 years older. I am early 50s, a professor, and an ultramarathon runner. I have actually decided to bail on on-line this year for much the same reason. 1. The main reason that you may get unwanted or no responses was clearly stated in Moxies post: people lie, men lie, women lie. It matters little if you state you are looking for an active person, a professional, whatever, people lie. Many of us active chix invest mucho time, money, gas, only to find the dude is indeed way overweight, not at all active, or that marathon he bragged about in his profile was 30 years ago. This is really, really, common to the point that we assume all men are lying about this. 2. Fit/active are highly subjective terms: Mr. 50 lbs overweight who couldn’t walk a block without resting truly thought he was in great shape, ditto for many women. People often see themselves as what they were, not what they are now. 3. Whether one is youthful or not is also very subjective. How to fix this? On line isn’t a good option for what you and I look for. If you must, post pics of you competing in a recent event, if that is what you do, with race number in full view. You hike in da woods, bike? Show a pic hiking somewhere well known by runners, hikers, bikers in the area. Better idea: volunteer at registration or at an aid station at an event or get out and start doing them yourself. In my town, there is a huge race series, and it is the only way one is likely to be in the company of healthy, active, better educated older men (most men living here are HS dropouts)and is, due to hazardous mountain driving in winter and work schedules, the only time it possible to put oneself out there. At events, you get to see what the other truly looks like, and again, long distance races select for disciplined, higher income, fitter folk. Hang out at race expos, a good way to make convo in a low stress environment. You must have some major events in Vancouver. The only real drawback is if you are looking to do the family thing: many female athletes aren’t, regardless of age. There is also a real possibility that a potential match is attached to another, and may or may not own up to it but this is a much higher risk with on line.

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