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Suzy, you are not someone who takes sex lightly. Casual sex is not for you. That’s okay. To each their own. But you really need to stop talking out of both sides of your mouth. You clearly feel that people who are “promiscuous” are somehow wrong or bad. While you might say that you don’t judge people for engaging in casual sex, the underlying message in everything you write about sex says that you do. The mere fact that you isolate out “promiscuous” people as not being Prosexual demonstrates that inconsistency. What does that even mean? You’re straddling the fence by claiming to be open-minded, but you clearly aren’t.
And what really makes this so frustrating is how you consistently USE SEX to get attention. It’s the topic of just about every podcast and twitter chat you host. You want to be perceived as sexually open minded and adventurous and naughty…but at the same time you subversively condemn people who enjoy sex for sex’s sake. You like to be provocative and titillating, but you don’t want to own any of that completely. That’s what is truly problematic.
It is time people actually got to know someone before giving themselves totally to them. It is time for people to realize the reality of what sex is and respect it and its consequences fully.
This? This is not Prosexual or sex positive. Sex positive means not judging people for their sexual choices. At all. Full stop. You do, whether you realize it or not. And it’s incredibly frustrating. You prefer sex to be within the confines of a committed relationship. Cool. But some people don’t need that, nor do they require that they “know somebody totally.” Some people don’t attach expectations to sex and enjoy recreationally. And that’s cool too. I just wish you could reconcile, once and for all, how you truly feel about this and put forth a consistent message, because what you constantly put out there is really damaging.
Now, I haven’t always been as sex positive and free to be you and me about this whole topic. Like this blogger, I was guilty of some slut shaming myself. But the more involved I became in certain communities, and the more voices I heard, and the more smack talk I read, the clearer it became that I had my own personal hang ups about sex and how female sexuality was perceived. I loved talking about sex, but I didn’t want anybody – especially men – thinking I was slutty. I used it for validation. And then something switched.
I stopped believing all those myths and rumors we’ve all heard about how sex or sex too soon impacts our love lives. If I wanted to have sex, I had it. If I didn’t, I didn’t. I didn’t put much thought into what the guy thought. In fact, I pretty much stopped taking their opinions about me into consideration at all. I took all of the experiences I’ve had over the years and developed my own personal code, and I’ve been pretty happy since. I no longer over think things, nor do I care if someone might “use” me for sex. But the most important thing I did was stop allowing so many other people to define me by what I put in my vagina or mouth and when. And yes, John, I love me a hot creamy facial from time to time. I like being told what a slut I am as he yanks my hair. I. dig. that. shit.
That’s what sex positivity is about. You want to pick someone up in a bar and do it in the bathroom? Do it. You want to wait until you’re married? Do it. As the great Missy Eliot once said, “Ain’t no shame, baby, do your thing. Just make sure you’re ahead of the game.” The only caveat involved with being sex positive is that you’re responsible and mindful of the responsibilities of the sex. Got those things covered? Fuck away, my good friend.
What makes me beyond stabby is when I read posts like this. First of all, the author doesn’t even have a clear understanding of the topic on which she’s writing. She has an agenda, and that agenda is to convince people that casual sex is bad. Why? Because that will level the playing field for her. And you know what? I’d have more tolerance for this bullshit if she just came out and said that rather than playing both sides.
Prosexual people know that their sexuality is their own. It means being responsible about your sexuality. It means practicing safe sex which is safe emotionally, safe mentally and safe physically. It does not mean having sex with anyone they meet or date or fall in love with.
Except, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT SEX POSITIVE MEANS. From Urban Dictionary:
Someone with a pansexual attitude Enjoys sex for the sake of it even if they’re biologically inclined to be straight or gay, is comfortable enough with their own sexuality to enjoy all worlds.An approach to sex and human sexuality that embraces the full benefits of sexual interaction as healthy and uplifting, based upon the premise that sexual expression is good and healthy and that societal repression or control of the individual’s sex-drive is bad and unhealthy.
Prosexual is not promiscuous. It is not being a sexual deviant either. Because someone speaks positively about sex does not mean that they are out there sleeping with everyone they meet. They are actually more discriminatory about who they sleep with because of their mature outlook towards sex.
I often encounter this while dating, when people find out I speak openly on my site and on my podcast about sex, relationships and dating, they think that I’m easy, that I will just jump in to bed with them, or anyone, for that matter, no questions asked.