Do You Even Know What Sex Positive Means?

So, today I was reading this post and decided to leave a comment. Instead of approving it, the woman who writes the blog winesexy4decided to delete it. Therefore, I’m going to publish the comment here and use it as a spring board for discussion.
UPDATED TO ADD: Apparently, this blogger decided to re-write her post to be more reflective of what was discussed here without mentioning that she heavily edited it. 
Oh, dating bloggers. Never change.

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Suzy, you are not someone who takes sex lightly. Casual sex is not for you. That’s okay. To each their own. But you really need to stop talking out of both sides of your mouth. You clearly feel that people who are “promiscuous” are somehow wrong or bad. While you might say that you don’t judge people for engaging in casual sex, the underlying message in everything you write about sex says that you do. The mere fact that you isolate out “promiscuous” people as not being Prosexual demonstrates that inconsistency. What does that even mean? You’re straddling the fence by claiming to be open-minded, but you clearly aren’t.

And what really makes this so frustrating is how you consistently USE SEX to get attention. It’s the topic of just about every podcast and twitter chat you host. You want to be perceived as sexually open minded and adventurous and naughty…but at the same time you subversively condemn people who enjoy sex for sex’s sake. You like to be provocative and titillating, but you don’t want to own any of that completely. That’s what is truly problematic.

It is time people actually got to know someone before giving themselves totally to them. It is time for people to realize the reality of what sex is and respect it and its consequences fully.

This? This is not Prosexual or sex positive. Sex positive means not judging people for their sexual choices. At all. Full stop. You do, whether you realize it or not. And it’s incredibly frustrating. You prefer sex to be within the confines of a committed relationship. Cool. But some people don’t need that, nor do they require that they “know somebody totally.” Some people don’t attach expectations to sex and enjoy recreationally. And that’s cool too. I just wish you could reconcile, once and for all, how you truly feel about this and put forth a consistent message, because what you constantly put out there is really damaging.

Now, I haven’t always been as sex positive and free to be you and me about this whole topic. Like this blogger, I was guilty of some slut shaming myself. But the more involved I became in certain communities, and the more voices I heard, and the more smack talk I read, the clearer it became that I had my own personal hang ups about sex and how female sexuality was perceived. I loved talking about sex, but I didn’t want anybody – especially men – thinking I was slutty. I used it for validation. And then something switched.

I stopped believing all those myths and rumors we’ve all heard about how sex or sex too soon impacts our love lives. If I wanted to have sex, I had it. If I didn’t, I didn’t. I didn’t put much thought into what the guy thought. In fact, I pretty much stopped taking their opinions about me into consideration at all. I took all of the experiences I’ve had over the years and developed my own personal code, and I’ve been pretty happy since. I no longer over think things, nor do I care if someone might “use” me for sex. But the most important thing I did was stop allowing so many other people to define me by what I put in my vagina or mouth and when. And yes, John, I love me a hot creamy facial from time to time. I like being told what a slut I am as he yanks my hair. I. dig. that. shit.

That’s what sex positivity is about. You want to pick someone up in a bar and do it in the bathroom? Do it. You want to wait until you’re married? Do it. As the great Missy Eliot once said, “Ain’t no shame, baby, do your thing. Just make sure you’re ahead of the game.” The only caveat involved with being sex positive is that you’re responsible and mindful of the responsibilities of the sex. Got those things covered? Fuck away, my good friend.

What makes me beyond stabby is when I read posts like this. First of all, the author doesn’t even have a clear understanding of the topic on which she’s writing. She has an agenda, and that agenda is to convince people that casual sex is bad. Why? Because that will level the playing field for her. And you know what? I’d have more tolerance for this bullshit if she just came out and said that rather than playing both sides.

Prosexual people know that their sexuality is their own. It means being responsible about your sexuality. It means practicing safe sex which is safe emotionally, safe mentally and safe physically. It does not mean having sex with anyone they meet or date or fall in love with.

 

Except, THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT SEX POSITIVE MEANS. From Urban Dictionary:

Someone with a pansexual attitude Enjoys sex for the sake of it even if they’re biologically inclined to be straight or gay, is comfortable enough with their own sexuality to enjoy all worlds.

An approach to sex and human sexuality that embraces the full benefits of sexual interaction as healthy and uplifting, based upon the premise that sexual expression is good and healthy and that societal repression or control of the individual’s sex-drive is bad and unhealthy.
So, you see, being sex positive means not applying any kind of restrictions or rules on people’s sexual choices. Dude, I don’t mind if you have a certain opinion, but for fuck’s sake actually know what you’re talking about instead of using buzz words to sound hip.
Prosexual is not promiscuous. It is not being a sexual deviant either. Because someone speaks positively about sex does not mean that they are out there sleeping with everyone they meet. They are actually more discriminatory about who they sleep with because of their mature outlook towards sex.
Exploding head
Oh. I see. So somebody who does speak positively about sex who also chooses lovers based on criteria that you don’t deem important is better. Gotcha. Thanks for explaining that to me. Translation: I’m not like the rest of those sluts. Dude, what ever.
I often encounter this while dating, when people find out I speak openly on my site and on my podcast about sex, relationships and dating, they think that I’m easy, that I will just jump in to bed with them, or anyone, for that matter, no questions asked.
Ugh. Look. I’ve been there. And you know what? I can honestly say that when I’ve made it a point to let guys know what I do and what I talk about, I was using it. At one point I was using it to get attention. And then when those guys would make a move or show interest in sleeping with me, I’d get all offended and fucked up and oh my god they think I’m easy. I know my people. They like using sex to be seen a certain way, but when it comes time to ante up, they play the I’m not a slut card. I can’t be bothered to be offended by people who make such assumptions anymore. When I did get offended, it was because I knew I was putting something out there that I didn’t fully own. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is more liberating than owning your sexuality and not giving a shit what people think. Try it.
But the truly unfortunate thing is the mixed message being dispersed. Talk about sex indiscriminately, but don’t have it indiscriminately. Use sex to get something, but don’t use it for pleasure. I’m so god damn tired of this. Own your shit and deal with it.
Finally, if you’re so desperate to make people believe that nobody disagrees with you that you didn’t allow my comment, get a fucking note book and leave your thoughts in there. You and your little disclaimer saying, “No negativity!” can both suck my dick.

 

 

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14 Responses to “Do You Even Know What Sex Positive Means?”

  1. Aksarben Says:

    This lady reminds me of a certain class of people who hate “the rich.” These are people who, when you dig deeper, consider “the rich” to be anyone that has more money than they do. Sounds like this lady condemns as promiscuous anybody that has more sex than she does. That’s an arbitrary (and useless) standard.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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  2. Millie Says:

    Heh. Oh, the irony. A bit off topic but I stopped following her on twitter a few months ago when she tweeted a bizarro Woody Allen quote.

    I am prosexual and sex positive except when it comes to sexual abuse.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  3. LostSailor Says:

    No, she does not know what “sex positive” means. Then again, what do I know? My understanding, the unchallenged authority of the Urban Dictionary aside, is that the whole “sex positive” thing arises out of feminist theory and is an answer to an earlier branch of 70s/80s feminist theory espoused by a more radical sector that sex with men is somehow anti-feminist. And now, as Moxie points out, it has come to mean that no judgment or criticism can or ever should be made for anyone’s sexual choices, no matter how harmful.

    Most guys–outside of a few arch-conservatives or evangelicals–have pretty much always been sex positive.

    First, SDD erects a false definition of how society considers sex. “Sex is sacred,” women who have sex are “judged unfairly,” and that it’s not “promiscuity” (whatever that mean in this day and age) or “deviant” (ditto). I guess owning your own “safe” sexuality rules out any kind of kink.

    And she contradicts herself, at one point saying that “sex positive” is all about being safe (and rather conservative about it) and non-promiscuous and another point saying that if you want to jump right into bed with multiple people, it’s all good (though apparently not “promiscuous”).

    I agree with Moxie that SDD seems fairly repressed, but hey, no judgments. And of course she wouldn’t let the comment through: it was critical of not only what she wrote but critical of her. Remember, no judgments. No criticism.

    But if someone needs to be told when it’s appropriate to have sex and when it’s not, they probably shouldn’t be having it. My experience and that of most people I know has generally been the rather common sense propositioin that, assuming you have an interested and willing partner, have sex when you want to and don’t have sex when you don’t. Be clear with yourself and your partner about what you want and be considerate about your partner’s choices. If your partner’s choices or their attitude of respect toward yours aren’t meeting your needs, work it out or move on.

    Most people who complain about sex usually can’t find willing partners or want to be vocal about their sexual choices and have those choices essentially validated.

    This whole “sex positive” thing is, I think, all about the latter. It’s not just non-judgment, it’s putting your sex life out there and essentially making a dare. Most people who are regularly sexually active are fairly discrete about their sex life because it’s nobody’s damn business.

    If you need a “sex positive” social acceptance movement, you’ve already judged yourself and are looking for public reassurance that you’re okay, maybe a rebel on the cutting edge of progressive acceptance.

    There’s a little whiff of BS about this whole “sex-postive” thing…

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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  4. Bree Says:

    Yeah, “sex positive” was a term created by a sub-set of feminists who felt that regular feminists were going overboard against porn. Too bad because now people think that regular feminists are anti-sex for being critical of how much the porn industry has harmed women and men both. I find the term “sex positive” really irritating, because it often implies that a woman/feminist is “sex negative” if you aren’t into being fantasy-raped, getting your face jizzed on, bdsm/kink, cool with porn–most of which is degrading to women–and happy in general to comply (“It’s my CHOICE!”) with traditional degrading sexual crap. But hey, that’s great what turns you on JUST HAPPENS to be totally in line with misogynistic sexual practices. You go girl!

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 15 Thumb down 17

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    • Speed Says:

      Oh, Ms. Goebbels, so you—or your panel of vetted feminist peers– are the judge of what is “degrading” to women and what is not?
      The women who don’t agree you with have a “false consciousness” and need reeducation by you?

      Or is Lesbian/gay porn okay but hetero porn not? Or hetero porn is okay as long it is pleasant and romantic and not “degrading” as judged by you and the PC police? Or is rough sex okay as long as the woman is dominant? Or is rough sex okay as long as it is between lesbians or between gays, and no straight guys involved?

      Or do black guys like me get a pass, since we’re not part of the “Anglo-Saxon capitalist patriarchy?” Or do we get a half-pass because, after all, we’re still men?

      Good grief! This is why I always pass or never respond to profiles where the word “feminist” figures prominently.

      Okay, okay, flame away!

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 10

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I think the operative word here is “comply.” The implication to that word is that the woman who engages in these practices is just going along with it. You’re not taking in to consideration that some women – myself for example – initiate these acts. That’s an important distinction that often fails to make it into discussions like this. It seems that it’s often inferred that women participate in these scenarios to some how service a guy or keep him happy, when actually it’s often the other way around. If consent and desire are present, I don’t really see the problem.

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      • mindstar Says:

        Well there are some disturbed women out there who believe that penis in vagaina sex is “inherently sexist and a form of rape” so they probably have difficulty wrapping their mind around the fact that some women enjoy kinky sex.

        I always followed Speed’s practice. If “feminist” figured prominently in a woman’s profile I passed.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 10

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        • C Says:

          Well there are also men who think “she was asking for it because of the way she was dressed”. We cant focus on the fridge crazy few at either extreme.

          Its sad that an identifier like feminism which ushered in women’s right to vote and equal pay for equal work has been marginalized to mean rude, angry, penis hater crazies. I’ve never identified myself as a feminist per se, but I wonder how a movement that had done so much good for women has come to be so hated even by women themselves.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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      • The D-man Says:

        I think this gets at bigger issue about how our culture views sex in general. From an early age I got the sense the idea that sex was something a man must “get” from a woman (not forcefully, of course) and that the woman’s job is to resist. Sex isn’t something you do together, it’s a power struggle.

        Not that I think women and men view sex the exact same, but our culture makes it more confusing than it needs to be.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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        • Eliza Says:

          Dman – there is also the factor of one’s upbringing, and what they heard their entire life – about sex, men and relationships. Some cultures drill into the minds of young women, that their virginity is something to be “valued” and these people equate value to “marriage” or that sexual encounters are between husband and wife ONLY, and to procreate! Yes…and that is passed down – from rigid family beliefs based on upbringing. I myself was subjected to similar closed views, being from South American backgrounds…but chose to discard it and believe what I choose to believe rather than accept what it laid down as law. Some people are very much a product of their environment at home. The power struggle theme you detail above is also some absurd thing I heard as a little girl. Rubbish…in my view. But others do agree and view sex through those lenses. I personally question everything and have always been inquisitive and contradictory about “rules” or what is told to me – even as a child. :)

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  5. The D-man Says:

    This is a great post. And brave of you to admit that “[w]hen I did get offended, it was because I knew I was putting something out there that I didn’t fully own.” That shows a lot of personal growth.

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  6. Eliza Says:

    It is actually liberating when you view sex as a personal choice and desire and not some strategic ploy to define what may or may not exist between two people or use it as some “ultimatum” or that “dangling carrot”. As long as you are safe in terms of using protection, and know what you are getting into, that is, making it clear to the other person what your preferences/boundaries are, I don’t view it as being promiscuous or deviant…just someone that has a sexual appetite or strong libido. Why does a woman have to answer to that or feel guilty about pursuing her desires?

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  7. Lisa Says:

    Is this conversation even necessary? It’s 2014. Is anyone concerned or even slightly phased anymore by what other ppl are doing sexually?? Homosexuality/gay rights notwihstanding…it seems most heterosexuals have a fairly live and let live attitude w/ regard to the sex lives of other heterosexuals. Past hogh school, are we even going into the details w/ anyone?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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  8. Erin Says:

    FYI – The version she has up now is totally different than the one you quoted. She must have rewritten it after you wrote about her.

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