Just Admit You’re Rubbing Your Relationship In Your Friend’s Face

Many thanks to Btowngirl for sharing this article.


I watched a web cast of a panel that Stanger hosted a few months ago and was so annoyed by the way she made the whole friggin’ thing about her that I ended up writing a character based on her into my book.Mind you, she was terribly, terribly proud of the fact that the guy she’s now engaged to or dating told her that he blew off a woman because she had sex with him on the first date. She got quite a tickle sharing that with the audience.

It’s funny because many people like to compare me to Patti. You know, as a compliment.

Let’s start with the title.

6 Things single girls don’t understand about women in relationships

So, when we’re single, we’re “girls.” But when we’re in relationships, we’re women. Oh, Patti. I see what you did there.

Let’s begin.


Our men don’t have to come everywhere

When I’m in a relationship, sometimes I feel like my single friends don’t invite me out with them because I’ll bring my man and ruin girls’ night.

I don’t know about anybody else, but I have never once worried that my married, engaged or coupled up female friends would bring their partners along on a night out. The only time I might suspect that the friend would do that is if – you guessed it – she’s done it before. This is not the default assumption on single women’s part. We don’t automatically assume that our female friends can’t function or interact independently of their guy. But we do have concerns about that when our female friend can’t ever seem to do anything on her own or without him. Unless there’s a proven track record of such dependency, we simply do not worry about this.

But we do want you to include him

Even though our men don’t have to come to every, single event, we do want them around sometimes. These men are our significant others because we want them to be a significant part of our lives. We do need and want to spend time with our boos. So, if it’s not a girls’ night or an exclusive event, why not include our men?

Oh. So you actually do want to bring your guy with you when you go out with your female friends. Thanks for clarifying. AND STOP CALLING HIM YOUR BOO. Do I really need to explain why this kind of appropriation is offensive?

We still want to go out and party

I swear, the second one of my girlfriends starts dating a man, the single girls in my group just assume that she doesn’t want to rage anymore.

Well, let’s see. I’m 45. Man or no man, I have ZERO desire to “rage.” And let’s be honest, the only time our friends in relationship do want to “rage” is usually when their significant other is otherwise engaged. We don’t invite our paire doff friends out for nights at da club because a) who even goes to da club anymore and b) because we’ve asked you before and you’ve always had a reason why you can’t that includes the phrase, “We already have plans.” You’re not not invited because we don’t want you around. We stop inviting you because you usually say no.

But we need to plan a bit more

As much as we want to party down with our single friends, we do need a bit more notice than we did in our single days. When I was single, I would get a call from a girlfriend as I was wrapping up my work for the day, meet her for a quick drink and six hours later, we’d be stumbling home after a completely random and beyond wild night. Now that I’m in a relationship, that happens less. I have plans with my man for special date nights and tickets for events. That doesn’t mean relationship girls don’t want to go out with you. It just means we can’t do as much last minute stuff any more.

I’ll give her this one. Obviously, when you’re in a relationship, you can’t just tell your partner, “See ya! I;m going to Da Cluuub!.” It’s disrespectful not to check with them about certain things. But here’s the caveat. It’s one thing if you have plans and can’t meet up. It’s another if you don’t have plans and are like,”Well, I have to check with Brutus because I think we might be doing something.” Translation: If he wants to go out, I’m choosing him.

We’re not setting you up because we think being single is pathetic

I’ve heard single girls complain about their relationship friends setting them up with their boyfriends’ friends and getting upset about it. First, I think a set up is always a flattering thing. So, never be offended by it. Second, we’re not just setting you up because we think your single lifestyle is sad and pathetic. It’s because we think you’re awesome and our boyfriend thinks his friend is awesome. So, why not put two awesome people together and see if there are any sparks?

Oh..so you’re setting us up with a friend of one of your “boo’s.” Huh. That’s funny. Because you never tried to set us up with a guy friend WHEN YOU WERE SINGLE. Let’s all marinate on that one for a second. Gee, now WHY wouldn’t a friend like this play matchmaker when we were both single? Hmm. Pretend to think. Pretend. to. think. Here’s why: because to friends like this, we’re the competition. So much for the whole, “We want you to beeeee happpeeeeee” stuff.

We want you to love our men

It’s important to relationship women that their single friends like our men. We want you to be friends with him and not just always think of him as an annoying plus one. That’s why we’re bringing him around so often.

Mmmmm..no. That’s not why you bring him ’round so often. It’s not because you desperately want our blessing. You bring him around because, much like any other accessory, you feel it enhances your presentation in some way.

I will say again that these types of articles are nothing but thinly veiled humblebrags written in an attempt to condescend to and one up other single women. Yes, Patti and your ilk, we’re all just so. jealous. of your relationships that we can’t bear to be in your vicinity for fear we might go home and cry ourselves to sleep. I’m just so damn tired of this nonsense. Nobody is jealous of you, nobody covets your man, nobody is competing with you. It’s totally the other way around. The whole idea that single women don’t relate to women in relationships is perpetuated by articles like this.

We’re your friend. We’re happy for you. We’re capable of developing lives outside of not just men, but you. Trust me. We do just fine. We know that when it comes our turn to find reasons to talk about our guys or disappear for a bit, you’ll get it and you won’t hold it against us. This sort of thing is not as  complex and emotionally and psychologically volatile as people like this like to portray.  You don’t see us writing listicles about allll the ways being single is so much more awesome than being in a relationship. And when you do, it’s because someone is trying to compensate for something that is missing in their lives. Yammering about this stuff gives them a sense of satisfaction and validation that they just can’t seem to get when they’re single. Which is the same reason why people in relationships (not just women!) write this stuff. They need to prove to everybody that they are desirable and have achieved the incredibly lofty goal of finding someone to put up with them for an extended period of time.

Most women don’t even think like this. The ones who do need to believe that there’s this enclave of single women conspiring against them or weeping into their Cosmos because they don’t have a manz.

That’s about them, not about us. Most women who pair off make the time to maintain their female friendships. Stop making this out to be an us versus them scenario.


6 Things single girls don’t understand about women in relationships




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18 Responses to “Just Admit You’re Rubbing Your Relationship In Your Friend’s Face”

  1. Betty Says:

    I have literally never had to do so much negotiating with either my single friends or coupled up friends, regardless of which side I have been on myself, as Patti apparently thinks all women do. Wow.

  2. BTownGirl Says:

    And I thank you, the lovely Moxie, for summarizing why, if my nose hadn’t been my 17th birthday present, I would have been punching myself in the face after reading that article. Patti seems to be missing the point that (a) single women have been in relationships themselves at some point and aren’t like, “OH SWEET MOTHER OF GOD WHO IS THIS PERSON NOW? I haven’t been in a relationship in three months and therefor I spend my days talking to trees. My life is like “Nell” with a side of seething resentment.” and (b) this is not the newly coupled friend’s first relationship either. Now I just want to show up at my friends’ houses and hug them for being rational adults :)

    p.s. Moxie, please tell me the book character is both anti-redhead and pro-Botox-deathmask as well. (I’m awful.)

  3. C Says:

    Having spent a lot of time single, I honestly felt the opposite. My married friends routinely excluded me from their “couple activities”. Not all of them, but quite a number of them.

    I had married male friends who would routinely plan lunch dates with each other and their wives right in front of me and never considered inviting me….because they can only do couple things with other couples and revel in the delisciousness of their coupleness. I’m not bitter or anything.

    • Goldie Says:

      I once was the only single person at a “girls brunch” where everybody else was in a fairly new relationship (5 years and under) and I had just come out of a 18 year marriage, 22 years together, two kids. Everyone talked about their boyfriends the entire time, mainly complaining about them like the boyfriends were little kids. I had absolutely nothing to add to that conversation. Actually, on a couple of occasions, I felt tempted to say things like “you cannot treat a grown man like that”, “you’ll never make it past your next anniversary with that attitude”, things of that nature. But I’m a lover, not a fighter, so I kept my mouth shut, nodded, and smiled. Never got another invitation from that group. Guess I got in the way of them reveling in their coupleness, sitting there like this big silent reality check.

      So, yeah, if your couple friends are like that, then you’re not missing anything. And if they were not like that, they would’ve had no problem inviting you to join them in the first place. Ergo, you’re not missing anything.

      • Eliza Says:

        I also was invited to some “girls only” xmas event – by my mother’s friend who have daughter around my age – and the ONLY thing they conversated about was either “marriage” – and of course, asked “so, why aren’t you married”? what an ignorant question. Or it was non-stop chatting about their kids, and how “busy” they were with diaper duty, etc. Never again, did I accept invites to such events. Yawn…it put me to sleep. Don’t these women have ANYTHING else going on in their lives. We are afterall individuals, who did at one point or another have outside interests–no? Humblebrag! love that term. heehee. Because that’s what it was.

  4. LostSailor Says:

    I am proud that I never knew this Patti person had a blog and never read it. I feel like I need a shower after reading it once, and won’t do so again. I will confess to having watched a single episode of her Bravo show, but for the same reason I’ve watched an episode of Horders. Who can tear their eyes away from a complete trainwreck?

    But to Patti’s post:

    Whenever I’m in a relationship, I feel closer to my friends in relationships. And when I’m single, I feel closer to my friends who are single. I think it’s because single girls and relationship girls just misunderstand each other sometimes.

    WTF? Uh, no. When you’re in a relationship, at least a real relationship, you’re focused on that, and people who are in the same relationship space are going to have more commonality with you, just as when you’re not in a relationship, you’ll have more commonality with friends who are in a similar situation. You don’t “misunderstand” each other nor are you in competition with each other. You are just, or should be, concentrating on different things.

    Of course Patti wants to include her man in social outings. Hopefully he does too–but he doesn’t show up a lot here, though it’s nice she says that she want’s him around sometimes. And, yes, she should still have the occasional girls night out (and he a guys night out) But…

    Girls in relationships still want to let their hair down, get gussied up and dance with strangers to cheesy music.

    No. If girls in relationships want to get dressed up and dance with strangers, the men in those relationships should kick them to the curb. Sorry, Patti, if you have a guy but still want to go out clubbing with your GFs and grind on strangers, you don’t really have a relationship. Nor are you relationship material. So while you may need to plan a bit more, you need to plan a bit smarter.

    Second, we’re not just setting you up because we think your single lifestyle is sad and pathetic.

    Yes she is. She’s a “millionaire matchmaker” so she’s judging you. Though on the episode I watched she seemed to be judging the men (who were largely pathetic), so I’m going to go with her schtick is just being judgmental.

    I agree with Moxie, that “relationship woman” is just a humblebrag. People in real relationships don’t act or think like this.

    Patti: there’s definitely a reason why you’re single. And a reason why you should be…

    [Aside: My ex and I used the pet-name “boo” and being a yankee and her a Southern girl, I always thought it a southern thing, since it was used in her family. But I can see where it might be considered a bit twee. There was that 60’s song where “boo” was a dog after all.]

    • C Says:

      “Patti: there’s definitely a reason why you’re single. And a reason why you should be…”

      According to wikipedia, she is engaged to her boyfriend of 2 years.

      I’m not sure how seriously I would take this article. I suspect this article is intended as self-promotion feeding into her 20 and 30-something year old stay-home-mom Bravo audiences expectations.

      According to Wikipedia, she is a 52 year old woman who has spent most of the last 10 years in 2 long term relationships. I’m betting the last time she “raged” (whatever that is) or “stumbled home after 6 hours” of drunken stupidity was to a Duran Duran song.

      • LostSailor Says:

        Fair enough. I retract the part of my comment that refers to her as single. But I’ll be she still “rages” on occasion. The few times I’ve caught her TV show, she seems like a perpetual 20-something in her head, and seems to get off on cashing in on clueless rich men.

        As the kids say, whatevs…

    • Eliza Says:

      If you watched just merely 1 episode of Patti’s you will see–she is actually fairly harsh when judging others, in terms of their appearance, their demeanor, etc. The entire package. Yet, she herself hasn’t had much success in landing a “manz”–until now. Prior to this new guy, Andy and her broke it off. And one would think that anyone who is 40+ wouldn’t have much interest in “raging” or going to “Da Club”! – makes me think about a Night in the Roxbury–and that’s very cliche/lame to be doing that still. Now that’s pathetic in my opinion. Just saying.

  5. Goldie Says:

    First, I think a set up is always a flattering thing. So, never be offended by it.

    I admit I’ve never punched anyone in the face, but can this woman be my first? No, a setup is not a flattering thing – it implies that you think your friend isn’t capable of finding a man (that she oh so desperately needs) without your help. It also implies that you know what kind of partner your friend needs, better than she does. If that’s always a flattering thing, you know what else is? the Jehovah witnesses who show up on your doorstep on a Saturday morning to tell you what you should believe in, because in all your 30, 40, 50-some years, you could not figure that part of your life out on your own without them. The two are really not that different from one another in my book. So take your setup somewhere else, because yeah I would be offended by it.

    We’re your friend. We’re happy for you. We’re capable of developing lives outside of not just men, but you. Trust me. We do just fine. We know that when it comes our turn to find reasons to talk about our guys or disappear for a bit, you’ll get it and you won’t hold it against us.

    Thanks for saying this, Moxie. This made me tear up a little. Because in my last relationship, partly due to my lack of experience, partly due to it being long distance, and partly due to my then-SO being just a tad on the clingy, high-maintenance side, *I* was the one that was always saying “no, we have plans” to my girlfriends, both single and married. And to my couple friends. And to my groups of friends. After two years together, my “boo” walked out, I happily ran back to my old friends to reconnect, and to my complete shock, every one of them was gone. They’d all moved on with their own lives, that no longer included me, because for two years straight, I’d always had plans. It was a hard lesson to learn. I am very slowly getting back into contact. It involves a lot of groveling, apologizing, inviting people to join me on outings, and inviting myself to things. It is hard work. And I brought it all upon myself. Thankfully (because they’re awesome) my friends are responding, and are willing to take me back after I spent two years blowing them off. Will definitely do a better job of staying connected to my friends next time I’m involved with someone.

    • D. Says:

      I don’t know that I’d go as far as to say a setup is inherently flattering or insulting. To me, it’s a pretty neutral thing. It really depends on all of the people involved. Like, there’s a difference between an unsolicited setup, and a setup where the person being set up has indicated they’d be open to it. There’s also a difference between the “You have a pulse, they have a pulse. You’re perfect for each other!” style of setup and the kind where the people setting you up have really thought about the personalities involved as well as your respective tastes in partners.

      The thing that really bothers me about the wording of the article is the whole “So, never be offended” line. It completely ignores how the person being set up may feel about this, and focuses only on the intentions of the person doing the setting up. “I meant XYZ, so you don’t get to be offended.” There’s just an attitude of selfcenteredness that underlies that kind of statement.

  6. Erine Says:

    Rubbing your relationship or marriage/engagement in people’s faces is a sign of insecurity and lack of understanding of the deepest and truest concept of happiness which is inner harmony and a positive attitude towards the world and your life. A person can he single or married, wth a child or childless, filthy rich and famous or with an average income and no fame. – and be miserable and unhappy all the same. It’s so silly and desperate to place ones happiness in the hands of the external, of circumstances. Being content does not depend on one’s relationship status.
    So if someone talks about their engagement or marriage all the time, it’s not something to be jealous of, it’s something that shows that they don’t have the sense of true contentment.

    I am not claiming that access to the true source of happiness as positive attitude and sense of harmony is always a work in progress and are not easy to feel, but when my husband proposed to me shortly after we met and we got married less than a year after we met, I didn’t post one picture or “status” update on my Facebook. And there was definitely no photos of my ring or anything like that. Not because I was eccentric and tried to be cool and not do what women usually do, but because I always understood that those things while great don’t signify happiness, happiness is purely our choice in attitude and mood.
    So I wish more women didn’t equate their attitude towards themselves and how accomplished they are as human beings with whether or not they are dating, engaged or married.

  7. Lisa Says:

    Personally, I cannot relate to most of the sentiment contained in Patti’s aticle; no one I know does stuff like that.

    However, I have tried, on occasion, to fix up single friends of mine. And when ppl have tried to fix me up, i’ve always been flattered/appreciative (tho they never seem to understand my taste in men). If a single friend wants to meet someone and be in a relationship, then I think a fix up is a thoughtful thing to do. Being pathetic or not pathetic has never factored in. If someone were pathetic, I wouldn’t waste my time.

    • Goldie Says:

      I’ve set two couples up as in, the man and the woman were already friends, I’d see them together, and say to one of them (in my case it was the guy both times), Hey you two would be a great couple – then a few months down the road, they became a great couple. I’ve never had anyone in my group of friends try to set anybody up with just another random single person. Never seen it work, so I guess I shouldn’t knock it till I’ve tried it…

      • BTownGirl Says:

        Exactly, Goldie – when it’s two people who you think “Hey, I bet they’d really like each other!” not “My pathetic single friends needs a man (any man).” that’s the difference. I’ve done the same thing you have and the couple in question is married with two children now. Like a few people have said, I think it’s sweet and truly appreciate it when friends who are coming from the right place want me to meet someone they think I’d hit it off with. The only time I found it offensive was with a now ex-friend that seems to share Patti’s thought process haha!

    • C Says:

      I feel the same way.

      I was always flattered that my cousins were thinking of me and trying to set me up. The dates were all comical but its the thought that counts as they say. Furthermore, my younger cousin asked me to set her up when she was single.

      My cousin and I recently tried to set up her guy friend and my girlfriend. I’m shocked to hear that my friend may have taken offense at something like that. It really was a case of “he’s awesome, she’s awesome, lets introduce them and see if they hit it off”.

      This is no different then when I recently introduced my boyfriend to my college friends telling him I thought he would really hit it off with them because they have so much in common.

      It simply feels good to bring people we like together when we think the relationship might be mutually beneficial.

      If thats unwanted, by all means, just say no.

      • Goldie Says:

        Oh, I see. No that’s not offensive at all, especially if the person asked for it.

        The closest I’ve come to being set up was when a close friend of mine told me that her husband had a new coworker that he thought would be perfect for me. Next time I saw her though, she said that she’d met said coworker and that he would not be perfect, or any good for that matter, for anybody. He was much older, had a difficult personality, all around not a good idea. Then a few weeks later, another single woman in our (rather large) circle of friends asked me if I knew (coworker’s name) – I asked her why, and she replied “because (another mutual friend of ours) wants to set me up with him”. I just told her what I knew, and I guess that was the end of it. I thought it was weird that, as soon as a new single man appeared in our social circle, people tried to pawn him off on just any random single woman.

        • C Says:

          Oh no! Too funny.

          It may not be as bad as it sounds. Maybe the friends husband really liked the guy and thought you guys would hit it off.

          Every guy my cousins set me up with was comedy. One guy came to dinner and spent the entire evening ignoring me and hitting on my 20 year old cousin. One guy moved in with his boyfriend (thats right boyfriend) within a year of my cousin introducing us. Another guy proposed to my younger cousin out of the blue when they had never dated. And thats just the tip of the iceberg. I thought the guys were goof balls, but my cousins were genuinely good friends with them. I still see some of these guys at parties some 10 years later.

          The one thing I did notice was that they routinely tried to set me up with guys that they thought were “a catch” rather then the types of guys I repeatedly told them I wanted to meet. At one point I told my older cousin I wanted to meet hot guys who were as into the outdoors as I am. So she called me a few days later and told me she wanted to introduce me to a shy, short, pudgy database administrator from work who was a “really nice guy”.

          I think much of this “you are trying to set me up because I’m pathetic” thinking comes from women being insulted that they were being setup with someone they feel is benieth them. But I dont think people are thinking, “he has a pulse, you should date him”. From what I see with my cousins, they are thinking, a) he is age appropriate, b) he is a really nice guy, c) he would make a great partner, d) he wants a girlfriend, and once in a while they may think you’ll hit it off because you share a hobby. Thats about it.

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