Here’s What Happens When You Add Casual Sex To Your OkCupid Profile

I have used OKCupid off and on for about three years. After a six-month relationship with a man I met on OKCupid ended, I woman-3D-model-Marek-Denko-my-love-in-bedtook a brief break. When I came back I decided to shake things up a bit.

I updated my relationship preferences to include casual sex.

The messages I received ranged from sincere to overly complimentary to graphic. I got invites to gang bangs, 7am face sitting requests, and the occasional offer to lick my calves. I told a close male friend of my experience and he said that, with the casual sex option checked, some men see no point in playing the game and just get right to it.

The effusive if not disingenuous compliments about my “hot mouth” and “sexy legs” didn’t really work on me. I know that some men can have sex with a woman and it doesn’t necessarily mean he finds her attractive. The main objective is just to get laid. Attraction is secondary. Who I might be able to attract for a casual hookup is not indicative of the type of man with whom I could have anything more consistent and substantive. I also knew that it wasn’t a good thing if a man told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious at the moment but thought that I’d be ideal hookup material. I don’t give men credit for “refreshing honesty.” In fact, I shave points off for revelations like that. That’s an insult disguised as a compliment.

Another male friend said that it was better to just choose long-term/short-term dating and new friends. That way, he explained, I wouldn’t be on the radar of guys who think invites to pull a train are welcome. He also warned that a woman who selected casual sex might set off a warning bell in the minds of many men.

“I’d say there are two assumptions: one is that a woman, no matter what she says, is always ‘looking’ for a more-than-sexual relationship should one present itself, and two is that a woman can get ‘just sex’ pretty much anytime she wants, without much effort.  So, a woman who seeks ‘causal sex’ or selects it on her profile is suspect.” – G., Male, 37, NYC

In my three years of using OKCupid off and on, I’ve never had any of those bad dates we often hear about. Because of how I screen profiles, I don’t accept invitations from anybody who asks. Since I have a good idea of my typical OKCupid audience, I’d be on alert when a guy who was above my typical pull would contact or respond to me.

I didn’t judge a man if he selected casual sex as an option. As long as he made an effort to complete his profile and post pictures that didn’t appear to be from some ’80s era Playgirl shoot, I didn’t care. (Side note: Naked torso shots. Why? Discuss.)

There were a number of take-aways from this experience.

First, just because someone chooses casual sex doesn’t mean they’re looking for a one-night stand. A person’s willingness to be open about that interest should not be held against them or get them labeled a player or slut. I ended up dating three men during this time for 3-6 months each. We did “couple-y” things like go to the movies, make dinner, and spend weekends together. We weren’t meeting up for quickies as some people might assume. There was intimacy and affection and shared confidences. There just wasn’t exclusivity or expressed commitment. I wasn’t seeking “just” sex, so adding casual sex as a relationship choice actually worked to my advantage. It exposed me—in various ways—to a broader audience. One that I may not have been exposed to had I been a “good girl” and listened to my well-meaning male friends and only selected short and long-term dating.

Another lesson? That About Us section with all the questions is a gold mine! That’s where someone’s real personality comes out. For example, if a guy answered questions like, “Do you want your partner to be kinkier than you?” with “Not possible!” I bailed. In my experience, people who go out of their way to broadcast how much sex they have are trying to overcompensate for something.

Next, some men select casual sex to convey another message. I polled a few men as to why they checked off casual sex. One man said he did so to make clear that sexual compatibility was important to him. Another said he did it so that women would understand that he would not date someone for too long without sex being part of the equation. A different man not only selected casual sex but clipped his profile by telling readers he was currently dating other women. When I asked him about that he told me he wished to avoid meeting women who might develop other expectations. There’s another example of “refreshing honesty” that I find questionable. That admission was the equivalent of engaging in a pleasant conversation with someone and having them randomly poke you in the eye without warning. It’s rude and unnecessary. My analogy proved accurate when, after we met, he told me he knew “immediately” that he wasn’t physically attracted to me. Um…thanks for your honesty, I guess?

Another observation I had was that a lot of the men contacting me during this time were in transitional phases of their lives. There were a number of couch surfers, recently divorced/separated guys and newly single types seeking women who might be, as the kids say, “DTF.” I didn’t want to be anybody’s “get over the hump” hump. If they admitted in their profile or in messages that they were newly single I didn’t engage further. I made sure I traded enough emails to discern what their relationship/living situation was. I was not interested in being a rest stop for some OKCupid hobo.

I also learned that some men send messages of the “I want to worship your ass” variety with the intention of shocking a woman into a response. The point is to engage her by any means possible, even if it means offending or harassing her.

The biggest lesson I learned was that, even in 2013, a woman’s choice to pursue a non-monogamous relationship is met with a great deal of skepticism and judgment. It is assumed by many men that a woman can get sex easily. Therefore, why would she even need to check that box? Something is either wrong with her or it’s a trap. Then there’s the harassment factor, which nearly drove me off OKCupid altogether.

Sometimes I get bored with OKCupid and want to mix it up a bit. In those moments I go back and check that box. The upside is that I widen my pool of potential matches. Yes, many of them are cubs looking for a cougar or guys in Joey Buttafuoco pants doing their best Joey Tribbiani impersonation. There are also many sex-positive and emotionally evolved men on there who don’t ascribe to the Madonna/Whore philosophy. Those are the men I’ve met. It takes a little longer to find them but they are there.

I’ve accepted that some men will see that decision as a red flag and reject me. They likely would have eventually rejected me anyway. I also accept that I have to screen men more stringently who show interest when I have that option selected. Nothing is fail proof, of course. But at least I get to do it on my terms.

Note: I wrote this for another site last year.

 

 

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48 Responses to “Here’s What Happens When You Add Casual Sex To Your OkCupid Profile”

  1. bbdawg Says:

    I read this on another site a while ago…it’s such a rich topic, especially considering the one post about marriage and ideas about commitment.

    Personally I don’t reply to men who have “casual sex” on their profile, I see it as a deal breaker, and I don’t pursue it at least overtly because I what some of what happens through see the “search” for the long term person as “casual”. In other words, because you do meet people you end up dating briefly and all that, it comes naturally as part of the territory, it’s not necessary to seek it out. Some you might sleep with and realize you are not a match and that’s normal. Nowadays dating is not so rigid anyway, but it’s part of a process.

    What I dislike about the idea of casual sex is that it’s transactional and not lateral. Meaning people arrange to meet just for that and after, what happens? Nothing happens. It’s cold and clinical. Do the deed, close the deal and goodbye. That is the most painful part of it all and that is why I avoid it. I need more than that to function. I’d like a hug and tea and what not and some romance.

    My take on this – and this is not “cool” – is that we women sell ourselves short when we go for casual sex because we miss the opportunities to form a relationship with someone. Relationships are the ultimate goal for most women, if not all women I know. I know we’re supposed to be cynical on this board and post-marriage and all that but I want to grow old with someone, I want to fall in love and I want companionship. Period. I am not embarassed to say that. You ALWAYS have sex with people you date and get to know, even early on, why select the “no future” option? I see the dating/relationship-seeking process as a pot of energy that you spend, and if you choose to start out by doing the casual sex thing, you are spending your energy in something that will yield nothing. You are going to have less energy to focus on the other people who might have long-term potential.

    I don’t buy it that men who select “casual sex” online are open to relationships. Men have said on here that there is little or no chance of changing a casual relationship into something committed. When men seek casual sex they seek variety so it doesn’t matter so much who you are. It’s like a man who tells you he isn’t looking for something serious. Well I am, so goodbye. Yeah eventually they will find someone long-term, but I am not going to stick around to find out.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 36 Thumb down 7

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    • Goldie Says:

      Yes, “casual sex” in men’s profiles has always bothered me on some level; probably because selecting it makes no logical sense to me. Casual sex is a natural byproduct of dating, especially online dating; you will get it, whether you have it listed on your profile or not; so why bother spelling it out?

      Another head-scratcher to me is “new friends”. One, I’ve heard that this is a euphemism for “casual sex”, in which case, see above. Two, if it isn’t and the man really and truly wants to make new friends, then why is he doing it on a dating site? I just have no rational explanation for why a man would select “new friends”. Maybe there is a perfectly valid reason – I just don’t know it.

      Looking at Dark Sarcasm’s comment below, yes the only reasonable explanation I’ve seen for listing either of these options is when the person is in an open relationship. Which I’m totally cool with, but I don’t do it myself, so again, wouldn’t reply.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 5

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    • D. Says:

      Minor point here, but you don’t always have sex with the people you date, if it doesn’t go past, oh, date 2 or 3 (usually — some exceptions, of course). In my experience, women I’d date often wouldn’t want to have sex until around date 3-4. Even if we were both approaching things from the perspective of looking for a serious relationship, sex was frequently off the menu until at least a couple dates in. If things fizzled before then, no sex.

      I’m not saying that’s a good or bad thing, either way. People should have sex when they want to have sex, and not before. But my point is that while it’s all well and good to say “Just date. You’ll get to have sex,” that’s not always the case. I mean, you will eventually, but you might be waiting a while.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

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  2. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    “I’d say there are two assumptions: one is that a woman, no matter what she says, is always ‘looking’ for a more-than-sexual relationship should one present itself, and two is that a woman can get ‘just sex’ pretty much anytime she wants, without much effort. So, a woman who seeks ‘causal sex’ or selects it on her profile is suspect.” – G., Male, 37, NYC

    I believe most stable men are leery of any woman on OK Cupid that claims they’re looking for casual sex…when I first joined OKC and saw that option, the first thought I had was, “Any woman willing to put that on their profile is either hidiously ugly or overweight, a prostitute, or part of a ‘couple’. But that was years ago: this article inspired me to reactivate my profile out of curiousity to see if those assumptions were true. The search in my area came up with about 10 women: 3 were grossly overweight, 2 were less than attractive, 2 were ‘couples’, 2 were obviously prostitutes, and 1 had a profile that was so out there and over the top, there’s no way she could be serious.

    So there you go.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      Yes. It’s not even about the woman enjoying casual sex, it’s about disclosing that fact publicly. It’s the same principal as not wanting to date a man that announces “no fatties” in his profile. It’s not that you wouldn’t date a man who prefers thin women; it’s that you don’t want to date a man that lacks sufficient social skills to know that is not something that should be shared publicly.

      Sexual and relationship preferences are personal and should generally be kept private, even on an online dating site. It’s that simple.

      Couple that with the fact that women want relationships. Not just sex. Even women that say they like casual sex will always say they’d prefer a “good” relationship, if one were available. That’s why it’s almost always a trap.

      Do I think that will change with new social mores? No. Because I, personally, believe that is the state of nature. Social rules may change at the margins, but they will always reflect the natural order. Also, you can’t unilaterally declare the death of a social rule if everyone else is still following it. So, until women, as a class, begin to prefer casual sex over a “committed relationship with a great guy,” I will stand by my theory.

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  3. LostSailor Says:

    Another male friend said that it was better to just choose long-term/short-term dating and new friends. That way, he explained, I wouldn’t be on the radar of guys who think invites to pull a train are welcome. He also warned that a woman who selected casual sex might set off a warning bell in the minds of many men.

    Uh, well, yes. He’s right. Sorry, but he’s right.

    First, just because someone chooses casual sex doesn’t mean they’re looking for a one-night stand. A person’s willingness to be open about that interest should not be held against them or get them labeled a player or slut.

    Doesn’t really matter what they’re looking for, it’s how they’ll be perceived. Yes, it shouldn’t matter, but for a large majority of people, it will. That’s not to say that it can’t result in a casual relationship with non-sex activities included along with the sexual activities, but it lessens the chances. As you’ve said many times, Moxie, “short-term dating” is what you’re describing: datey-like activities along with sex without long-term commitment of any kind

    You say that checking the “casual sex” box widens the pool of potential matches. But then you list a litany of responses that you reject as red flags. You check “casual sex” and then penalize men who are overly sexual in their response or are straightforward in their desire for non-commital sex as questionable “refreshing honest.”

    I guess guys are damned if they do, and damned if they don’t. Look, I get that people use the casual sex option as a way to signal different things, but those signals are overwhelmed by the static of social expectation, fair or not.

    So, I would suggest that no man ever select “casual sex” as an item of interest. For the reason you list: their “honesty” is questionable, they’re “in transition” and “OKCupid hobos” or want to “worship your ass.”

    The biggest lesson I learned was that, even in 2013, a woman’s choice to pursue a non-monogamous relationship is met with a great deal of skepticism and judgment….Then there’s the harassment factor, which nearly drove me off OKCupid altogether.

    Yes, a woman who advertises that she wants a non-monogamous sexual relationship is going to be judged as not wanting any relationship that involves any commitment and will be contacted by men who may want something more but are willing to settle for just getting laid as well as men who think she’s DTF just for the F and will go for their sorry asses just for the F. It’s not harassment, it’s what is invited by choosing that option.

    The “casual sex” option is like chum in the water and you can’t really complain when the great whites, the tiger, the sand, and the nurse sharks as well as the remoras come around.

    Bottom line is that checking this option mean you have to screen even more, which sounds like a lot more work to me. If that’s what your up for, then by all means. But for both men and women, it seems like a way to make it much harder to get laid: the people who are hot will do even better and the less hot people will actually narrow their potential dating pool and work harder for less result.

    There are sites for people who just want casual sex, and mainline dating sites aren’t them. Avoid this option. I’m fine with casual sex, but this isn’t the way to get there; that’s a negotiation after you’ve already met off-line and established an attraction and rapport.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 33 Thumb down 2

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    • bbdawg Says:

      yes great post and this

      “The biggest lesson I learned was that, even in 2013, a woman’s choice to pursue a non-monogamous relationship is met with a great deal of skepticism and judgment….Then there’s the harassment factor, which nearly drove me off OKCupid altogether.”

      This is the issue though, casual sex isn’t a non-monogamous relationship, it’s a transaction. There is no relationship. you can argue that all dating (getting to know someone and possibly sleeping with them in the process)- until exclusive commitment is in fact a non-monogamous relationship, because it is still lateral. There are many factors under consideration by both parties. Whereas in “casual sex” all there is to it is getting laid, it’s one bullet point. I don’t care that you do “couple things”, the bottom line is there is no future and no involvement to it as per initial agreement.

      It’s a one-point transaction in sales terms.

      And:

      ” There are also many sex-positive and emotionally evolved men on there who don’t ascribe to the Madonna/Whore philosophy.”

      Well I don’t think this is about the Madonna/Whore thing, it’s about the law of least effort. Because we live in a era where sex is so easily available and there is less and less moral association with performing it, the idea that you have to spell it out seems unnecessary. We’re not in the 60s anymore, it’s not shocking, it’s not new, it’s the norm.

      I’ll speak for myself here, but the challenge for women is not sex, it’s finding monogamous companionship that involves sex in an era where marriage and commitment has become optional. It’s no longer a societal norm. So in this context, casual sex actually seems like a step back. Since we can all have sex via “dating”, all “casual sex” does is to exclude someone from the relationship option. And while we may accept that we are not in relationships and that being “single” is totally fine, the reality is that we are probably dating in the hopes of finding love and something lasting. I know I am.

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      • C Says:

        I agree. Having what sounds like a friend with benefits, for me personally, was settling when nothing more promising was available. Maybe its just me, but specifically targetting a FWB seems like throwing in the towel.

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  4. Michelle Says:

    Maybe it’s wrong and pointless, but I’ve occasionally outright told men who message me on OkCupid to ax the casual sex part of their profiles. It’s like, umm, women know why the heck you’re on here! Going the extra mile to broadcast it is a huge turn off and I have zero interest in even having a conversation with someone who does that.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      Yes, I can see why you’d do that…it seems obvious that most women would not respond… and it also screams “no options”. The real “players” know how to juggle multiple women via dating, but it takes some work, skill, and even some finesse. The man who selects “casual sex” is basically saying “I won’t do any work for this”. In the end the whole “game” of dating is about maximizing and increasing options, for men and women, and that is done through the pursuit of relationships. The minute you take the idea of a potential relationship out of the picture, you also remove a huge percentage of the female (online) dating population and thereby decrease your options dramatically.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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    • Steve Says:

      well it’s good for you they do that, so that you are able to screen them out.

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  5. Tinker Says:

    So I thought those categories were more of a declaration of your end game. So I could understand having short term and casual sex ticked off, but not short term, casual, long term and new friends. It’s confusing.
    I figure people who want relationships will check off long term, with the understanding that it’s very likely they’ll have some casual sex on the way there. No need for them to state it outright since it’s not their ultimate goal.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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    • Lisa Says:

      They aren’t particular about what type of situation they end up in, as long as sex factors in somehow. And they want to make sure they don’t get filtered out of anyone’s search.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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      • Nicole Says:

        Almost every guy I saw online who checked casual sex had also checked every other category. These were also the guys who said they were looking for women 18-99, anywhere in the world.

        (The only exceptions – who checked casual sex but not other options – were the obviously married (no face pics? Really?) and the ones with names like 50ShadesOfFun, who might or might not be married but were strictly looking for a dom or sub.)

        So yeah, I think a lot of it is just trying to show up in searches or not rule anything out.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I agree with most commenters that it’s not wise (for men or women) to check the “casual sex” box because of the way it’s perceived, rightly or wrongly. Hell, you gotta filter enough idiots out without that box checked.

      As far as “end game,” though, I always thought it was a bad idea in the other direction to *only* check off long-term dating, as you’ll seem too intense or like you’re hoping to be married in three months or something.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 4

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      • K Says:

        curious to see what people think about this. I always check long term because that’s what I hope dating leads to. Is it the flip side of checking casual? To men, does it come across as intense as opposed to “just knows what she’s looking for”? I didn’t check short term, because most dating is that, it’s however not my goal.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          No, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with checking long term, just thought it was weird to check only that and nothing else.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

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          • K Says:

            Yes that’s exactly what I’m curious about, only checking long term. I used to check other boxes, to you know come across light and breezy, but now only check that box. When I checked other boxes, on occasion I’d show up to the first date and hear some guy go on and on about not being too serious. I’ve seen no change in responses, but was wondering if to men this comes across as uptight (and by men I mean those also open to long term).

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

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            • fuzzilla Says:

              Well, I obvs. can’t give you a dude’s perspective. I really am up for long term, short term, and new friends. I’d like a long term relationship, but if a new friend or pleasant FWB situation arose, that would be fine with me, especially since I’m super busy with school and prob. won’t set down roots in the town I’m currently living in. I’d like a serious relationship, but don’t want to be celibate ’til I find one.

              I never thought too much about what guys would think of the boxes I checked, beyond thinking the casual sex box would send a “Please harass me, creepos” message.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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            • HammersAndNails Says:

              yeah. I always assume the women with “long term” only selected already have the wedding dress in the closet and the baby names picked out.

              Way too serious for me. I want to meet a woman and her want to get married because she met me, not a woman who met me because she wants to get married. Again, maybe it’s an unrealistic goal, but I have to believe it at first or things are just too weird and heavy for me.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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        • LostSailor Says:

          Guy’s perspective: Checking just the “long-term dating” box and nothing else is probably narrowing your audience and responses. For some guys it might send the message that you’re anxious to get into a long-term thing, like marriage, which can be off-putting. It may help screen out men who are just looking for some fun dates and a roll in the hay.

          Here’s the thing. I may or may not be interested in a long-term relationship with you until I meet you. And as I get to know you, I may learn that we’re not compatible and that makes it a short-term thing, so it doesn’t help you there.

          You’ll have to judge your own experience, but I don’t really see a huge benefit from checking only that box.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

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          • K Says:

            Thanks. Like I said I haven’t seen any drop in messages/responses since I last changed it. I may fiddle with it next time to see if it even matters:).

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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          • DrivingMeNutes Says:

            I agree with this. Personally, I wouldn’t reject a profile solely on that basis if all else was interesting but it could tip the scales if I were on the fence. Again, I expect all women to be looking for something long term ideally so it’s not that offensive. But, I am not looking to fill some previously determined spot on a women’s marriage agenda, like a job application. I expect, however unrealistic, that a woman would decide she wants a relationship with me after she meets me and not before.

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      • Lisa Says:

        I don’t think most men care about that bc they feel they’ll be able to control the direction and the pace of the relationship once it starts, at least somewhat.

        And even if a guy wants to keep things casual, he thinks he’ll attract better quality women if he targets LTR-oriented women and pretends to be LTR-oriented himself.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  6. Lisa Says:

    “I also knew that it wasn’t a good thing if a man told me he wasn’t looking for anything serious at the moment but thought that I’d be ideal hookup material. I don’t give men credit for “refreshing honesty.” In fact, I shave points off for revelations like that. That’s an insult disguised as a compliment.”

    Why is that? I thought Moxie was sex-positive…

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    • C Says:

      Lol. Yes, right up there with, “I’m wearing this low cut shirt so you can stare at my boobs but I’ll be offended if I catch you staring.” I honestly dont know how men deal with us women without them all turning into alcoholics.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Why is that? I thought Moxie was sex-positive…

      Because by being that blunt about it, they’re demonstrating that they don’t care if they insult or offend you. That has nothing to do with being sex-positive. Nice try, though. I know you and C. like to look for opportunities to shit on other women.

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      • Lisa Says:

        No, you don’t need any help from us. LOL

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 3

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      • Lisa Says:

        But again, why would this even be perceived as an offense to one who is sex positive?

        So the casual-sex-only-oriented man should dazzle and bullshit you into bed and then it will be both sex positive and nonoffensive?

        Why not just take it for what it is (a clearly stated hook up)and be OK with that?

        I’m actually somewhat serious here…trying to understand.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          Sex positive doesn’t mean “up for absolutely anything with absolutely anyone,” and preferring to interact with people who have a basic skill set of manners and social skills doesn’t mean you “expect to be dazzled.” (I do agree you’ll cut down at least somewhat on the idiot factor by not checking the casual sex box).

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          • Lisa Says:

            We’re not talking about absolutely anything with absolutely anyone here. (Although, yes, I do believe that is the definition…)

            We are talking about someone terrific enough that you would have happily slept with him had he slightly misrepresented his intentions so they seemed less blunt.

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            • ATWYSingle Says:

              You keep conflating him not stating upfront that he only wanted sex with misrepresenting his intentions. Those two things can be mutually exclusive. You would know this if you had more experience.

              Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 6

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              • Lisa Says:

                If I had more experience? LOLOLOL

                Oh sit on it; my steady boyfriend Potsie Webber and I aren’t allowed to go to Inspiration Point yet. Maybe next year when I’m junior.

                I’m just pointing out that you’re contradicting yourself with all this sex positive false bravada one day and now the shrinking violet act bc am man told he’d hit it one time but you couldn’t be his gf.

                You’re all over the place. You’re getting offended and you don’t even know why…pick one – modern pro-sexual woman or Victornia school marm.

                If we can see the ambivalence, so can they!

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              • Lisa Says:

                You are all over the place. All this false bravada sex positive stuff one day and then the shrinking violet act the next day bc a guy you met after saying you wanted casual sex wouldn’t pick up your lace hanky when you dropped it.

                If we can see the ambivalence, so can THEY!

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          • ATWYSingle Says:

            Fuzzila, please stop responding to her.

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          He’s not being judged for wanting sex. He’s being judged for having poor social skills and being rude. The sex part has nothing to do with the judgment.

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          • Lisa Says:

            But how is simply saying, “I am not looking for a LTR, only casual sex” rude?

            A sex-positive person would not see such an honest and straightforward statement as rude.

            Only someone hung up on traditional social mores would see that as rude.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          The guy stating he wants something casual isn’t the insulting part; after all, that is what you’re saying you want if you check the casual sex box. “You’d be ideal hookup material” is the insulting part. Like the woman isn’t a person but a cheeseburger to consume or something.

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      • C Says:

        Pot calling the kettle black.

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  7. Nathan Says:

    It seems to me that some folks want the maximum number of options, without all the work that usually comes with it. So they click every last available box, and then complain about all the confusion and nonsense that comes as a result.

    But overall, I think the majority of people who click conflicting preferences do so because they don’t know what they want, or they’ll take whatever comes their way.

    As others have said, there are plenty of ways to find casual sex these days. If you’re main aim is for a longer term relationship, why muddy your profile up with the casual sex tag?

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  8. Howard Says:

    Trying to be everything, is just not a good strategy. It’s actually better to define what you want and not check too many categories. If someone thinks you’re hot, it doesn’t matter what you checked, they are just interested period, and will try to get a hold of you.

    Checking the casual sex box, has too many pitfalls for guys. For women, it just means more bullshit mail to go through. Regarding how tight an age range one should have, it’s a personal thing. I recommend, not too tight, but also not too wide.

    For guys, the watchwords for online profiles, is to stay out of trouble. Don’t create too many waves with controversial crap in your profiles. Ladies you can do that, but the price you pay, is a lot of unwanted mail.

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  9. HammersAndNails Says:

    Why is everyone avoiding the obvious? It’s coded. “Short term” + others means you are open to casualish sex maybe. Short term only means casual sex. Long term only means you are against casual sex. “Casual sex” means you are looking for TONS of attention, are a dude, doing a “social experiment” or some other BS. “Casual sex” doesn’t really mean you are open to “casual sex”. Savvy men will just not take the profile seriously.

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    • HammersAndNails Says:

      If you ladies want the real bump, Make a only “short term” profile and disable everything else. Guys will get the hint, but not take it as an invitation to be completely toss the generally accepted delicate sensibilities of you sex loving but bluntness hating ladies.

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      OkCupid is all about coded language. Moxie has written several posts about this, how one must answer certain questions in certain ways. I read an article somewhere that said people who “like the taste of beer” (one of the questions) are more sexual or something. Other questions too are supposed to imply such things, like “do you enjoy horror movies.” I don’t even remember what you’re “supposed” to answer for that one. Way too much work. Besides, at some point you do need to stop playing these guessing games and just meet someone in person.

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      • HammersAndNails Says:

        If you convince everyone on okcupid to stop playing ‘guessing games’ let me know. In the meantime you are not taking yourself out of the ‘game’ you are just playing it wrong. The world does not bend to you.

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