Guys Aren’t Always Trying Desperately To Get In Your Pants


Comment: At my age (64) and dating men mainly in their later 60’s and 70’s I would have thought that they wouldn’t be popping blue pills before dinner was over…………Someone in their mid 70’s who expects and trys to have sex on the first date eliminates the possibility of a second date for me.  I’m tired of making excuses and fighting off men and then having them tell me something is wrong with me!  I don’t want sex with men whom I am not beginning a relationship.  I want to know them; a chance to really WANT them……….then  when they have a difficult time they expect you to do all of the work and act as if it’s your fault………they’re in their mid-70’s.  Life moves on……………if I’m in a monogamous relationship GREAT……..if not I won’t sleep with someone who might be sleeping with other women the same week.
Age: 64
City: Scottsdale
State: AZ

I see. So, you will only have sex with men who are monogamous to you. Okay, well, how is that working out for you?

Sleep with them or don’t. I don’t have an opinion either way. I’ve addressed this scenario more times than I care to count. I’ll short hand it for you:

Assuming that every dude who buys you a cocktail and a sandwich is just out for sex probably isn’t the wisest approach. This way of thinking becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.  You associate any man who shows interest in sex as a lech just trying to get in your pants when maybe he likes you and wants to have sex with you.  By disqualifying any guy who shows any kind of physical interest, you end up throwing the baby out with the bathwater. Stop judging every guy just because he wants to do something that lots and lots of people love to do, sometimes with strangers. It’s sex. He’s not asking you to rob a bank with him. Instead of running away because the guy wants to get it on, say no and then set up another date with him. You’re not sticking around long enough to determine what these men are truly after. Give the guy a chance to prove himself one way or another before you reject him.




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21 Responses to “Guys Aren’t Always Trying Desperately To Get In Your Pants”

  1. SR Says:

    Yes, “when they have a difficult time they expect you to do all of the work” means “set up another date with him”. Dating is a two way street. All human interaction involves trading.

  2. Ann Says:

    I’m 73 and I think it’s wonderful when men in my age group not only WANT sex, but can manage it as we’ll…

  3. LostSailor Says:

    Still Online’s (SOL, perhaps an appropriate acronym) letter seems to me a conflicted humblebrag. A humblebrag that says “I’m still hot n sexy! Men all want me! I have to fight them off!” while also expressing some disdain for sex with men “popping blue pills,” “have a difficult time,” and “life moves on.” And she seems to resent her guilty feelings “fighting them off and then having them tell me something’s wrong with me” and “do all the work and act as if it’s your fault.”

    It seems Scottsdale retirement communities are a hotbed of getting frisky! I may have to revise my long-term retirement plans!

    I agree with Moxie that SOL’s “standards” are getting in the way of actually finding what she wants. I note that her letter doesn’t actually pose any questions, it’s all a long complaint that men are, supposedly, too interested in sex at an age where SOL thinks they shouldn’t be, or at least shouldn’t be on any terms other than her’s. Free Clue: most men never stop wanting sex. Some men, by far not all, may have performance issues, but that doesn’t mean they don’t stop wanting it.

    Again, to echo Moxie: SOL, have sex when you’re comfortable with having it, but don’t penalize men for wanting it. Are you really “fighting them off” or just upset that they’re a little forward? Do all the men you’ve been with (assuming N>1) have performance issues that they “blame” on you?

    Even if men seem to offend your sense of propriety, you might want to give them another chance, politely (not angrily) make your preference for waiting known, and see what they might have to offer. How do you know you’re in a monogamous relationship where you might feel comfortable having sex if you don’t give men who might be interested in sex a chance and instead assume they’re bedding other retirees two at a time on other days of the week, Viagra expenses be damned?

    But then again, SOL, you didn’t actually ask for any advice. You just ranted about all those horrible randy old men who old enough to know better.

    Set your own damn rules for what you’re comfortable with. Just don’t get mad when your expectations aren’t met.

    As I’ve said before: the world will not bend to your will…

    • Grizzly Says:

      “It seems Scottsdale retirement communities are a hotbed of getting frisky! I may have to revise my long-term retirement plans!”

      Ha! That’s pretty good!

      I seem to remember that when Viagra started coming on the market there were scattered news reports about an alarming rise in STDs in retirement communities and nursing homes.

    • Jordan Says:

      Don’t worry, she’ll make an even longer rant when all the men start ignoring her.

  4. Howard Says:

    By the time a woman gets to be 64, she should figure out, all sense of entitlement is ephemeral. As I read the OP’s letter, I can’t help but get a senses of it. Maybe young guys do the heavy lifting of chasing a young woman, but guys in their sixties or seventies are long past doing that with women close to their age. I am not saying a woman should throw herself at a man, but the age of equity is at hand when we get to those ages.

    Some women are just stuck in the was they used to do things back in another time. About sex, you better do it while you still have the ability and chance to do it. The end is getting much nearer than we all would like. Men like sex period, whether they play the little game of avoiding the topic or not.

    They all want to f*^% you. Get used to it. They may also want to spend quality time with you. If a guy is close to your age and actually shows interest in you, he probably is one of the ok guys. Because most guys that I know in their sixties aren’t even going after women in their sixties. They are going after women younger than sixty. Did you see the age of Donald Sterling’s former girlfriend?

    • Yvonne Says:

      Donald Sterling got his much younger, golddigging mistress because he’s a billionaire. A married billionaire. He certainly isn’t representative of most men.

      • Crotch Rocket Says:

        Having a young, gold-digging mistress may not be representative of what most men actually do, but it’s representative of what most men WOULD do if they had enough money to attract one.

    • bbdawg Says:

      I see the OP’s point though. She doesn’t like to be treated as if she an after thought to the man’s needs for sex. That seems like a fair need. She needs to communicate that clearly before meeting anyone. I don’t see that as “sense of entitlement” I can see her point. She is in the age range of my mother, and I’d cringe to think that if my mother had been unmarried she’d have to deal with random senior citizens trying to sleep with her barely knowing her at all. That’s depressing.

      I would imagine that at the OP’s age if she is dating men who are 70, she is looking for a companion. And as such they need to find compatibility first, before sex. That seems dignified and normal to me. My mother remarried in her 50s she is now 65 and stepfather is turning 70. She made sure they had plenty in common before they got together physically. They were also in the same profession and university (academics) so there was a lot there to begin with.

      As for men “going” for younger women, they might be “going” but unless they’ve got money and/or power, they certainly aren’t “staying” with the much younger ones.

      • Howard Says:

        Can we miss a point or miss a point. Most guys in their sixties going after women in their sixties, are looking for more than sex.

        Women have been dealing with randy men at all ages, and handling them well enough, without making them into villains. Any imaginings that they will be different at 68 is purely wishful.

        It’s not bad actually. They could have been impotent. The last time I checked, women seem to have more sexual ability than men, in their sixties. Lots of guys in their sixties and seventies have problems. Some guys actually try to compensate by talking a game, which they have no ability to execute.

  5. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Reply hazy…

  6. Matt Says:

    I hereby advise the OP to start marathon watching The Golden Girls. Hopefully, that might set her right on how best to proceed with sexual relations amongst her age bracket.

    • BostonRobin Says:

      Check the Reddit subthread called “Golden Girls Gone Wild.” The images are seared in my mind…

  7. Lisa Says:

    I’m wondering how the OP’s profile reads? Is she vetting these guys out a little before the first date?

    I feel badly that their behavior is offending her. But I, too, am encouraged that they are still sexual at tthat age.

  8. Lulu Vuitton Says:

    Bah! The OP is right. Her age is out of the norm this venue, but I am her age, so feel compelled to respond to her critics…

    “How’s that working for you?” Moxie? Well thank you, Dr. Phil. Except he has a successful marriage for over 30 years. It’s not appropriate for you to mock a woman over 60 who complains about old men with blue pills. After all, you are single Moxie, how’s YOUR plan working for YOU? Men make fun of women their own age and droopy boobs, but forget about long balls.

    Anyone dating over 60 is most likely looking at a future of illness and incontinence and hospice. Or divorce. No other options….only a roll of the dice as to who will be taking care of whom. Women who are financially secure in their 60’s, are not looking for the same man that we looked for in our 30s and 40s. We definitely want a companion, a best friend who has our back and who we have their back.

    Women in their 60s are hopefully, financially secure, own our own homes, don’t have druggie kids mooching off of us or are raising our own grandchildren while our grown kids are in rehab.

    To expect that some old coot who married a woman with 2 kids and rescued her from her own crazy mess of a life…..well, ain’t no fool like an old fool.

    The world DOES bend to your world. You picked your life, choice by choice, after all.

    Moxie, at 45, which man would you have married if you knew what you know now?

    Is he married? If so, would you want to marry him now, and be willing to handle his kids, and family, and the fact that he doesn’t want to EVER have kids with you? Are you willing to contribute much of your income to support the family (that isn’t yours, biologically), if one of the children is incapisicated? Or, the evil ex wife gets a boatload of money from the both of you? Or the stepson hates your guts, but the ex can’t handle him (happened to me)? If your hubby decides he doesn’t want to give you a baby, because his kids are brats?

    I love that you talk about what a great ass you have. Actually, your advice is really right on, IMHO. Ass or not. But you really need to have an answer about why you are a loser at online love before you will really be credible.

    Btw, don’t even try to attack me. I took no money from either husband, supported my Mom, who had Alzheimer’s, and put my daughter through college (though she had to take a student loan to pay for expenses), as a single woman.

    I would love a companion, but men my age seem to be very sad. The economy has not been nice to them. They are delusional in thinking that women our age are looking for stud muffins.

    The sad thing is that younger women aren’t looking for them unless they have serious money. Older women aren’t looking for them unless they can pay their own way. But they have those blue pills that women in their 20’s and 30’s didn’t even think about.

  9. TW Says:

    I’m a dude, and I think it’s perfectly fine for this lady to set her boundaries. I don’t know if it makes sense for her to write her dates off for wanting sex, but that’s her decision, and I don’t think that makes her “entitled”.

    My fiancee made me wait 6 months for sex. Initially, I wasn’t happy about it, but I liked so many other things about her that I was willing to wait. In retrospect, I’m glad she pushed back – it made things more meaningful, and it made me feel special knowing that I was one of very few guys she’d been with.

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