To Succeed In Dating, You Have To Be Able To Ask The Tough Questions

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Eyecandycrystalb

Comment: I met this guy at work. When we first saw each other we both thought the same ‘He/Shes hot.” One day we ended up working a lot together and he started flirting with me. We ended up flirting the whole day together, having conversations and getting to know each other a little. He would joke around to the customers saying I was his girlfriend. Long story short, I ended up giving him my number. That same day he texted me and told me upfront that he was attracted to me. We kept flirting and conversating over the phone.
The next day we end up going on a date. We go out to eat and go to a pool. We were all over each other due to the amount of attraction but nothing serious, harmless. Before I go back home, we have a pretty intense makeout session but nothing serious happened. The day after we ended up sleeping with each other. And the day after that I went to his house to hook up.
I didnt expect to be sleeping with him already since i just met him but I dont regret it either.
He says he likes me and calls me babe and sometimes acts like my boyfriend by holding my hand, giving me rides home and calling me to let me know what hes up to and so on. But then theres times where I feel that all he thinks about is sex.
He said he doesnt want a girlfriend and he just wants to go with the flow with me but that if we were to ever end up official that it would be great. Weve only gone on one date and all the other times have been hook ups. I went away on vacation and he made a comment of “who am i supposed to sleep with while youre gone?” and i said “youre an attractive guy, you can find someone in the mean time” and he admitted that he only has interest in sleeping with me.

So my question, does this guy just see me as a fuck buddy or does he enjoy sleeping with me but theres a possibility of a future? Im confused. Because I dont want to keep developing feelings if he is just in this for a fun time.
Age: 26
City: Tampa
State: Florida

 

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Flowerchild

Comment: I am online dating at 28 and met this really nice guy but he travels to California for work and lives in Texas. He’s really honest that he will probably stay in Texas but I’m not interested in moving outside of CA. Is that a big problem? I’m not a fan of long distance but so far he seems pretty genuine and sweet. I need advice!
Age: 28
City: santa cruz
State: ca

 

My answer to both of these questions is that I don’t know. I. Don’t. Know.

Letter Writer #1 – I don’t have access to the guy you’re dating, nor can I read his mind. If you want to know where you stand, you’re just going to have to ask him. My opinion? He’s not interested in anything serious. The writing is on the wall. Keep it pushin’.

Letter Writer #2 – I can’t tell you what is or isn’t  a big problem for you. It’s your life. You said it yourself: he’s never going to move and you’re not a fan of long-distance relationships.  Boom. There’s your answer. You can hope against hope that he’ll pull a Clooney, but I don’t even think Clooney pulled a Clooney. That still is yet to be seen.

I apologize for not devoting more time or head space to these questions, but I just refuse to do the heavy lifting for you two. You’re coming to me because you don’t want to make decisions on your own, and I’m just not down with that.  You’re never going to have any success in relationships if you can’t assess a situation without crowd sourcing it.

You’ll struggle even more if you cower in a corner out of fear that you might rock the boat if you ask any questions or dare to express your own needs. If that’s how you feel, then you’re with the wrong person. Full stop. If you don’t feel that a conversation about the direction of a relationship can be had, then you have your answer already. You don’t (or at least you shouldn’t) need me to point you in the right direction.

 

 

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6 Responses to “To Succeed In Dating, You Have To Be Able To Ask The Tough Questions”

  1. Lisa Says:

    Regarding the first letter…
    The OP wrote, “He said he doesnt want a girlfriend and he just wants to go with the flow with me but that if we were to ever end up official that it would be great.”

    So since he said that, can we assume you two had a conversation about this? Did you ask or did he bring it up or how did it come about?

    He shared his thoughts but IMO the two comments kind of conflict. If he doesn’t want a gf, how would things become official? Did he address that apparent contradiction or not?

    I once started fooling around w/ a guy who told me exactly what your guy said, “wanted to just go w/ the flow.” But it did turn into a relationship pretty quickly. But I also had a situation that never really progressed to that level. So you never know.

    It comes down to how much you enjoy just spending time w/ him vs. how much you want the label. There is nothing wrong w/ wanting a label IMO.

    I would try to remember if he explained how things might become official in light of his not wanting a gf…or else ask him to clarify.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

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  2. Lisa Says:

    Regarding the 2nd letter…
    I was in that situation, too. The guy lived about 2 hrs away and worked as a regional sales manager so he was in my area at least once a week or sometimes twice. He tried to convince me i’d barely notice the difference btwn dating him and dating a local guy, that he could work his route around my schedule, etc. But after two dates, and the very irritating hurry up and wait and my mtg ended early and oh no I’m running late, should I just wait for you at mcDonalds, which mcDonalds, etc., etc. I realized it just wasn’t my thing.

    I’ve heard that LTRs are doable when there’s a solid plan/timeframe to make them local. But if neither of you is willing to budge, I don’t see a plan hatching.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

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  3. LostSailor Says:

    Eyecandy: While it’s within the realm of possibilities that there could be something more here, bottom line: fuck buddies. He’s pretty much directly told you this. Any guy you’re sleeping with, especially so quickly, who says he doesn’t want a girlfriend really just means he doesn’t necessarily want you as a girlfriend, but he like you enough to want to continue the sex.If that’s enough for you, go for it; if not, break it off.

    Flowerchild: What Moxie said. He’s not going to move and neither are you. If you don’t like long-distance relationships (neither do I) then you have your answer. Further, you describe the guy as “nice” and “pretty genuine and sweet,” which, in my experience, is kind of damning with faint praise. If being a friend-with-benefits, go for it; if not break it off.

    But I second Moxie’s main point. Both OPs already knew the answers to their questions, but they didn’t want to face those answers. It’s much easier to ask for “advice” since it takes the onus of responsibility away and puts it on the person giving the advice. If they follow the advice and it doesn’t work out, they can reassure themselves that “well, it wasn’t my fault, I got bad advice!”

    Yes, it’s important to talk to your potential partners, to ask the “hard” questions, and express your own needs (assuming you really know what those needs are). But it’s more important to take charge of your own love-life and take responsibility for your decisions.Both OPs had really already had “the talk” with their guys, but they didn’t want to deal with their pretty clear answers.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

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  4. Howard Says:

    There is a consistent theme in both these letters. Yes, the need for asking important questions is there, but something more powerful is missing.

    There has to be clear communications to people we date, about what we are looking for. And they have to respond in some fashion. That’s how good relationships are built. That is always more powerful than asking the hard questions.

    People who have great relationships hardly need to ask questions of each other. One person simply says something about a topic that is important to him or her, and the other person responds in some way to what was just said. When people talk past each other, not commenting on what was just said; merely using what all they say as a platform for their opinions, agenda and needs, we have serious failure to communicate, at hand.

    Now, if the person does not respond to pellucidly clear communications from you, then you are in trouble right there. You may want to give them a further chance by getting around to directly asking the hard questions, but in some cases you may not even want to further deal with someone that dense, obtuse or even in some cases, deceptive.

    And this needs to be done early enough. Don’t let hotness cloud your judgement!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  5. mindstar Says:

    Eyecandy and Flowerchild both sound like the product of helicopter parenting. You’re 26 and 28 time to grow up and make your own decisions.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

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  6. Niya Says:

    Ok for question 1, he already stated “he doesnt want a girlfriend and he just wants to go with the flow “, I mean, when a man says something, believe his ass. It is what it is. If you don’t like his answer, don’t expect him to change his mind. Move on.

    Question 2: You stated that your not interested in moving outside of CA. I mean, ok you just answered your own damn question. The saying goes, just because a man is single, doesn’t mean he’s available. Next guy please.
    Woman need to stop thinking that we can change a man’s mind. There are so many men out there that we waste all our damn time on trying to analyze one guy’s answer.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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