The Most Obnoxious Things People Do On First Dates

A reader emailed me and suggested that I write up a list of the most annoying things people do on first FX013_EXPLODING_HEADdates. Some of these are gender specific, so gird your loins. Here goes:

1. Selecting a first date spot that is inconvenient to you, but not them – The best way to avoid this is to find out in what part of a city your date lives or works. That way you can find a spot to meet that is equidistant. Nothing says, “I hope to ply you with booze so you’ll come home with me” like choosing  a location two blocks from your apartment. On the other side of that coin is the, “I’m the girl so you should travel to meet me because, girl.”

2. Confirming last minute – If you make plans for a certain day, somebody needs to send the other person a message the day of to make sure plans are still set. Don’t wait until 2 hours before you’re supposed to meet to ask if you’re confirmed or to reply.  And if you didn’t try to confirm plans, don’t complain if the day comes and goes and you don’t hear from your date. If you want to be sure everybody is still on the same page and that there’s nothing going on schedule-wise that might intervene, send them a text. Who cares who asked whom out? It doesn’t matter.

3. Trying to upgrade the date - Example number one: Guy suggests a centrally located and moderately priced bar to meet. Woman decides to pick someplace else that’s more expensive. It’s a shit test. This most often happens to people who work in jobs where it is assumed they make a very high salary i.e. lawyers, doctors, bankers.  It’s assumed they can afford it. Don’t do that. You immediately shoot yourself in the foot. The male version of this is making plans and then, last minute, trying to change the plans from meeting out some place in public to their apartment. “Want to just come over and hang?” No. No I don’t.

4. Not offering to pay - This is considered by many the single rudest thing a woman can do. Offer to pay. Just do it. If you were out with a girlfriend and the bill came, you wouldn’t just sit there and you know it. Abide by basic social rules, not the ones that were created by women as they apply to dating. On the flip side, a guy who refuses to pay a tab and starts itemizing the bill for a date comes off like a cheap asshole. There’s just no need to pull out your pocket calculator and start tabulating who owes what. If you do ask her to pay, then just ask her to throw in X amount without pin pointing down to the dollar what she owes.

5.Scheduling the date between other appointments – Ruh-hude! It’s a bummer to be having a great time only to have your date tell you they need to be uptown for a birthday party or downtown for “a thing.” Don’t bookend your dates. Schedule them when you have an evening or afternoon free. Getting up and taking off when things are going well ruins the momentum.

6. Pulling the plug on a date too quickly – I’ve totally done this and I will probably continue to do it. I’ve been that person who, 30 minutes into a date, has said, “Would you mind if we got the check? I don’t think this is a match.” Some people just know. I know. I don’t allow people to spend additional money knowing I’m not interested, so I cut it off.  I also happily pay the tab in those instances.

7. Not sending a thank you message or a reply to the thank you message - Regardless of whether or not you want to see someone again, if they paid the tab you should send them a thank you message. That’s proper etiquette. And if you receive a thank you text, then you should reply to it. If the person sending the message expressing appreciation says they hope to see you again, all you have to say is that you had  a nice time but didn’t think you and they were a fit and then wish them luck.

8. Talking too much about themselves - I tend to think that what actually transpires in most cases is that the person who feels slighted just doesn’t know how to make conversation, leaving the other person to do all the talking. But, in some cases, you just happen to get stuck with someone who only knows how to talk about themselves and nothing else.  You have to learn how to ask questions if you want a conversation to flow. Which brings me to…

9. Asking intensely personal or inappropriate questions - “When was your last relationship?” “Why did you guys break up?” and the dreaded, “What are you looking for?” The first date is a primer for things to come. If, after just under an hour, you’re prying in to their personal lives, you not only display an acute lack of self-awareness, but you come off intense.

 10. Not dressing appropriately – I once had a date last summer with a guy who met me after he spent the day in his acting class. He showed up in jeans, a black t-shirt, and sneakers. And he kinda stunk because, as all actors do, he spent the whole day in a studio pretending to be a farm animal or a shooting star. I had zero problem telling him, in the middle of our drinks, that I found it offensive that he didn’t even appear to try dress nicely for our date. Suck on that one. You don’t have to wear a little black dress (though I prefer to do that just because I like showing off my curves) or a suit, but at least try to look like some thought and effort went into what you were wearing.

Any more you can think of?

 

 

 

 

One on One Dating Profile Review

 Get a 45 minute one on one review of your profile with me.  I’ll go over your picture selection and ad text and let you know if your profile includes any buzz words or red flags. I’ll also help you tweak/write your profile if it needs some freshening up.

 $45 – INCLUDES:

  • *Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)
  • *Assistance with editing and re-writes.
  • *Photo selection and review.
  • *Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
  • *Site selections  and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
  • *Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

 

$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Eventbrite - Master Match.com & OKCupid

 

Let Me Write Your Profile For You

$75 – INCLUDES:

  • *A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.
  • *Assistance with editing and re-writes.
  • *Photo selection and review.
  • *Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
  • *Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
  • *Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
  • *Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
  • *Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

 $75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Eventbrite - Master Match.com & OKCupid

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
, , , , , , , , , , ,

75 Responses to “The Most Obnoxious Things People Do On First Dates”

  1. POV Says:

    Well, #5 could be several things, but still obnoxious. It could be “I didn’t find you attractive in the first 2 minutes, so I’m making up an excuse to bail” or really having another appointment, which is rude if not mentioned to the other person in advance.

    I got sick of this last summer, last couple times it happened in the first few minutes is I got up, threw some cash on the bar for MY drink, and said (not rudely), “Hey, I’ve got something going on tonight also. Why don’t you get in touch when you have time to do this, ok?” One of them took it in stride, and the other one seemed confused that I was calling her on her ruse, I guess.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 15 Thumb down 10

    Reply

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      That just makes someone look sad. It’s such an obvious and transparent lie. I doubt the woman looked confused that you were “calling her on your ruse.” I’m pretty sure she looked confused at why you would embarrass yourself like that.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 21 Thumb down 13

      Reply

      • POV Says:

        I couldn’t care less if some rude woman who I’m not interested in seeing again thinks I look sad. I’m not going to waste my time being her warm-up act.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 32 Thumb down 4

        Reply

      • AnnieNonymous Says:

        LOL, calling it a ruse. It’s more likely that these women invented reasons to bail on dates with this guy after seeing how he acts in public. That’s not the same thing as legitimately double-booking yourself. There’s nothing wrong with making up a reason to bail on a date that really isn’t going well.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 2

        Reply

    • James Says:

      I met this pig on POF who showed up drunk, watched hockey on TV the whole date and stared at her phone as well. Ignored me and zero conversation. I paid the tab and was gonna bail but she asked for a ride home. I did give her a ride and the bitch is cursing me and telling me how she hates men. Finally got rid of her and she stumbles out, no thank you no nothing. She was good looking though but real white trash.
      A few days later she calls me profusely with profuse apologies. I was very reluctant but told her she’s a weirdo. She offered to take me to dinner to “patch things up”. OK so we met and…IT WAS THE SAME EXACT SCENARIO! She “forgot her wallet” so I had to pay the tab.
      I had to get rid of this one, so we went back to her place. We had a bottle of wine and she gave me a blowjob. When I was done…I got up, zipped up and walked out without saying thank you as she was gargling with mouthwash.
      Never heard from her again and I am happy for that.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 5

      Reply

  2. chillybeans Says:

    Related to number 5-not letting your date speak. When their eyes glaze over, you are talking too much (regardless if it is about yourself, or anything else)
    and the flip side of number 9-offering up too much personal information about yourself. I overheard a woman go on and on about her ex stalking her on a first date. Her date couldn’t get outta there fast enough.
    And guys? If there is a choice of a comfy seat or not, please let your date have the comfy chair, and you take the hard wooden chair ok? (Is this sexist? probably. Will it win you points on a first date-Yes!)
    oh, and embarrassing your date! I sat next to a couple on an obvious first date, she picked up a penny off the floor and said “lucky penny” and he loudly freaked out about it, went on and on about how “gross” that was.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  3. C Says:

    Heres a few and yes, I’ve been on some interesting dates:
    1. Being pushy. If I said “no” to meeting near my place once, asking another 50 times wont turn it into a yes.
    2. Getting drunk
    3. Talking about the ex on a first date. I just met you. I dont want to know why your marriage broke up.
    4. Talking incessantly about your kids. Zzzzzzzzzzz.
    5. Hammering a topic the other person is either bored or uncomfortable with. This might be more of an Asperger’s issue.

    I’m a little on the fence about #7. Treating everyone with respect is good practice but initiating a “thank you” can be misleading when you arent interested in future dates. I think most guys will see a “thank you” as the woman initiating a conversation with the intention of having him schedule a future date. Awkward!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 2

    Reply

    • Nicole Says:

      Agree about the “thank you”… When i first started dating again i always sent a text saying thanks, even if i wasn’t interested in another date. It definitely confused guys. I eventually learned to not follow up if i wasn’t into seeing the person again. (Although i swear i heard my late grandmother scolding me for my rudeness every time!)

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

      Reply

      • C Says:

        I hate being rude, but I think the rules of normal life have to be slightly bent for dating

        My ex had a similar experience. He took a woman out on 3 dates. After the last one, she sent him a text thanking him for the date. He replied saying as D mentioned, “When do I get to see you again?” And she essentially said, “My life is too stressful for dating right now” leaving my ex perplexed by the whole exchange.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

        Reply

        • ATWYSingle Says:

          My ex had a similar experience. He took a woman out on 3 dates. After the last one, she sent him a text thanking him for the date. He replied saying as D mentioned, “When do I get to see you again?” And she essentially said, “My life is too stressful for dating right now” leaving my ex perplexed by the whole exchange.

          I will bet $100 that there was more to that text, something along the lines of “Thanks so much for dinner. Best of luck, so and so.” And I also highly doubt that things were going just swimmingly and then, after dinner, the woman did a 180. People don’t just do stuff like that. They don’t send a text after the third date thanking someone for a meal and say nothing else knowing they don’t want to see the person again. There was more to that text, and I will guarantee she was showing signs of lukewarm interest all along.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 4

          Reply

          • C Says:

            The story was that she showed up to the last date very panicked about a custody dispute involving her ex-husbands supposedly unstable girlfriend spending time with her very young children. My ex said that he spent the entire date discussing her fears and offering suggestions to help her. Maybe she didnt like something he said. I’m getting this second hand so its enitrely possible that theres more to the story.

            In any event, he was surprised that she sent a warm thank you text only to then shoot him down for future dates.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

            Reply

      • BostonRobin Says:

        Or how about sending the “thank you” text or email and getting something about “no chemistry,” even though I said nothing about wanting to meet up again. I stopped bothering, unless I do want that. Sorry, I know it’s rude, but there is only so much Ick I can take!

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

        Reply

    • D. Says:

      As long as you thank them in person, if you aren’t going to see them again, I think there’s no need for a follow-up “thank you” message. And yeah, it’ll confuse the issue and you may well get “No problem! Would love to do it again. You free next week?” and end up having to tapdance your way out of that.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 31 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • AC Says:

      Agreed. Thank you texts are tricky. As a man, I’d rather get a verbal thank you for picking up a check than some phony “thank you text.” Better yet INSIST on paying your fair share. I’ll respect that big time in the long run.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  4. Tinker Says:

    As part of #9, asking why you are ‘still’ single. No good way to answer that question. And being single at that moment doesn’t mean you’ve never been in a relationship. Just a huge pet peeve of mine.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  5. J Says:

    Asking to use your phone to log into their Facebook account.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  6. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    Further to my comment on the last post, I was trying to think of examples where women behave in ways on dates that they would NEVER in a million years behave outside of the dating realm, and rationalize that it’s just fine because the guys tolerate it, and gee, well, they don’t seem to complain, so they must like it!

    The examples I thought of were the one I mentioned – upgrading the invitation (or suggesting another venue) and the one Moxie mentioned herein- not offering to pay. It’s’ not rude because a gentleman really LIKES to pay on dates, right?

    The “thank you note” is an interesting one. I’ve been on dates where the women did not thank me. At all. In a text, or otherwise. That’s definitely a thing and it’s absolutely mouth gapingly rude. Do they do that outside of the dating context, like with their family and friends, clients and coworkers? Could be, but I doubt it.

    A written “thank you note,” however, is a little unique. At this point, for me to take someone seriously, my rule is that I must receive a thank you text or email after the date. (This is irrelevant to readers here because I’m not dating any of you, nor do I have any intention to.) But, for the younger guys here, it is truly a most reliable indicator of a woman’s character.

    In contrast, for me, a “thank you” text from a woman who is not interested in me is neither demanded nor even welcome. Fortunately, the odds of a woman being considerate enough to actually send such a thank you note are slim to none in this town, so it’s not an issue I frequently encounter.

    Fucking rude.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 6

    Reply

    • Tinker Says:

      LS- If she thanks you effusively at the end of the date, not a passing ‘thanks’ but expresses sincere appreciation, do you still require the written follow-up?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

      Reply

      • John Says:

        Do you really have to ask this question? Anyone can say something in the moment and it has less meaning than if the person follows up the next day.

        Lets say you went to a wedding or some function where you were all dressed up. The night of the event, your guy tells you that you look really pretty. OK great that’s to be expected and it would make you feel good. But then lets say the next day he says to you “Damn you looked really hot last night”. Don’t you think the fact that he mentioned it the next day gives it more meaning and sincerity than just saying it once the night before when you were just in the moment?

        Same thing with the thank you call or text.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 12

        Reply

      • LostSailor Says:

        LS- If she thanks you effusively at the end of the date, not a passing ‘thanks’ but expresses sincere appreciation, do you still require the written follow-up?

        Well, you’re not replying to me, but yes. In fact I would consider it even worse. If a woman is effusive at the end of the date, it’s still polite to send a brief text, in fact, in this case, it’s reinforcing that the original effusiveness was actual.

        But then again, I’m a WASP. I still write and mail thank-you notes for Christmas or birthday gifts, or for someone hosting or putting me up for the night, etc. It’s just good manners. I used to send nice gifts to a niece who I didn’t see very often and after years, stopped when I never got a note or even an acknowledged receipt of the gifts. She’s never said anything, and although we’re back in touch (and she’s my niece, fairly awesome and I love her), she still seems oblivious. And doesn’t get an Xmas gift.

        I realize that doesn’t really translate to dating, but there’s nothing wrong and everything right with sending a short “thank you” text/email. But if you don’t want to do that, that, too, sends a message…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

        Reply

        • AC Says:

          I realize that doesn’t really translate to dating,…

          end of the discussion. Sending Christmas Thank You notes isn’t the same as communicating after a date…last I checked, I’ve never expected to bone my Aunt Ginny.

          I love Moxie’s posts but this is where I think her and her minions need to get a grip.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 1

          Reply

    • bbdawg Says:

      Well, if you’re dating women in their 20s, the endless options on their end might mean that the assumption is that you have to impress them, not the other way around. So your “requirements”, from their perspective are not revelant. It’s possible that many will only “thank you” if they consider you to be above their league and/or potential BF material. All they have to do is to log in to OkC and see another 40 messages popping in. Rude, yes. They can still act that way and continue to get asked out on dates.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

      Reply

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Agreed. And, I won’t take those women seriously. Win win.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

        Reply

      • mindstar Says:

        True but only for a limited period of time. When they find themselves replaced by a younger cohort of women the shock to their self esteem is huge.

        Of course then some of them double down on their obnoxious behavior because because heck it worked when I was 23 why shouldn’t it work when I’m 38?

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 12

        Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **examples where women behave in ways on dates that they would NEVER in a million years behave outside of the dating realm, and rationalize that it’s just fine because the guys tolerate it, and gee, well, they don’t seem to complain, so they must like it!**

      As I said in the other thread, in my experience, date planning is not so much an invitation as a negotiation where you both decide what works for you, what’s convenient, etc., not just the man saying, “This is what we’re doing! No talkback, woman!” Maybe I live on another planet.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

      Reply

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Of course men don’t dictate the venue. But, it is typical, and frequently EXPECTED, that the man is going to do the inviting, select the venue and… um, like, pay for your drinks and entertainment. And, as I said, if the guy suggests or asks that you help in the selection process, then OF COURSE, there’s nothing rude about then helping in the selection, as per the invite. You’ve made a complete mess of that strawman. On the other hand, it’s possible that you THINK you’re in a negotiation when, in fact, you’re just being rude – because the guy doesn’t object, right? Again, my only point.

        Look, while kindness, consideration and courtesy are useless in my professional life, they’ve helped me a great deal in dating and personal relationships. I suggest that everyone try it. The only real downside I’ve seen is that, to be kind and polite while trying to deal with the animals out there on a day to day basis requires that you suppress an awful lot of rage. Which, unfortunately, tends to come bubbling up in an outlet such this blog.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

        Reply

      • Nicole Says:

        I actually think it’s great when guys have a concrete plan when they invite you for a date.

        I think a lot of men (women too) are so scared of picking the wrong place that there ends up being endless back and forth about it. Someone suggests lunch, there’s discussion of what day, someone says “maybe x neighborhood?”, the other names 3 places in the area that would be fine, etc, etc.

        I went out with one guy who just said, “I’d love to get together, how about drinks at X at 5?” I loved it.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

        Reply

    • C Says:

      Would you blow off Nina Agdal or Mina Kunis for not sending a thank you note?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      Reply

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        I don’t know who those people are. I assume from the context that they are attractive (famous?) women. Of course I wouldn’t blow them off. I’d suck their souls dry. As is my way.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

        Reply

  7. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    I can’t speak for the other geezers, but yes, I require a written documentation.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 5

    Reply

  8. Steve Says:

    As for a woman sending a thank you message when they are not interested, this in my experience is unusual. I’ve only had the “thanks I had a good time but we’re not a match” type of message a handful of times, most of the time they simply don’t initiate a thank you and don’t respond to my follow up. I thought this was standard even if somewhat rude.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • AnnieNonymous Says:

      I personally find the “thank you” note thing a bit weird, if not a case of a few people assuming that their preferences are embedded in the universal code of manners. In that case, people who possess that one quirk will suss each other out, so no harm/no foul for the rest of us.

      I think you’re fine if, at the end of the last date, you make plans to go out again, or if you send a text to plan a second date. In those cases, the gratitude is implied. I’d wonder if DMN ever sends out his own “thank you” notes.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 5

      Reply

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        Of course I do. Thank you for asking.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

        Reply

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        P.S. Gratitude is never “implied” and thank you for making my point. Curious if you adopt an “implied gratitude” in other aspects of your life?

        Also, I’m amused at how some women struggle with the idea of saying thank you (even if it’s implied). How is it even a debate – what’s the downside? It’s one thing if you don’t think of it (still rude) but it’s another thing to think of sending a nice thank you text and saying “nah, I better not.” That’s why it’s a character test.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

        Reply

        • mindstar Says:

          What’s most amusing about that behavior is that it’s often those same women who insist that the man follow all the practices of a more mannerly time yet refuse to do so themselves.

          Ex. Take care of coat check and pull out her chair in the restaurant. Naturally pay the bill. Flag down a cab and hold the door open for her or walk her to her car and make sure she drives off safely. All of that is expected behavior of a gentleman and its what I do yet sending a short thank you text is too much??? The disconnect in some women’s minds is amazing

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 7

          Reply

    • Colin Says:

      To me, the “Thanks I had a good time, but we’re not a match” reply is a slap in the face. Personally, I’d rather the person just not return my phone calls afterwards. That’s what most people do anyways, which makes it clearly obvious.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 5

      Reply

      • LostSailor Says:

        I have no problem with that text. It’s up-front and honest and I probably knew it anyway. But, then, I have good self-esteem and thicker skin. I would still consider that text a polite one…

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

        Reply

  9. Nicole Says:

    Most guys I met were great about picking a spot that was either halfway between us or closer to me than them… But there is a lot more to “convenience” than distance. There’s nothing worse than showing up for a date anxious and stressed because you spent 20 minutes circling for parking … Unless it’s arriving sweaty and with blisters because you had to walk a mile from the nearest parking/train stop in work clothes and heels.

    If you’re the one picking the location, pick a place that’s easy and stress free for your date – lots of parking if they’re driving, close to a train stop if you’re in a city where everyone takes public transit, easy to find (I’m looking at you, guy who thought he was so cool because he knew a bar so hip it had no sign).

    And if it wasn’t obvious, this applies equally to women and men, even when guys do the asking they often suggest their date pick a place.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  10. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I think I’m most annoyed by guys who can’t manage the overlaps in their friend groups very well. If we’re out locally, we’re both going to run into people we know, and it’s stupid to act like being on a date is weird in those moments. I’m even cool with having a first date be a group bar outing (as long as a “real” date happens within the next week) but I really can’t deal with guys acting embarrassed or who aren’t graceful about spending a decent amount of time talking to me. Don’t invite me out and leave me hanging.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 2

    Reply

  11. Damien Says:

    I’ve had unpleasant things happen, but nothing truly obnoxious.

    This made me ask myself what was the nice things that someone did on a date? Maybe that is for another post. My answer would be coming out when she had a cold. Yes, there is debate as to whether someone should do that and pass the cold on to you, but in that particular case, I realized much later that she really wanted to see me and she drove a long distance as well.

    When people use lame excuses to postpone or cancel a date, her intent was meaningful. That happened to me not just with one woman, but with two different ones. In both cases, that action was indicative of other positive aspects of their character. Unfortunately, I didn’t see it at the time. They were the good ones that got away.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  12. ATWYSingle Says:

    I’m not understanding why people are so confused about the thank you email. If you were invited to someone’s home, you’d say thank you after the dinner. But you’d also send them a thank you note. If someone extended a generosity to you – dinner, a gift, let’s you sleep on their couch- you say thank you, but then you send a note. Was I just raised differently than everybody else?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 18 Thumb down 12

    Reply

    • Selena Says:

      I don’t think you were raised differently, I think it’s that less formal etiquette has become accepted practice. If someone says “Thank you” to me in person for entertaining them/ gift/ etc. I don’t expect them to thank me again in some formal way. If I have been the one treated/gifted/etc. I say thank you at the time, and will reference it again the next time we speak. (I’m a dinosaur, I actually talk on my phone.)

      I didn’t know it was expected to thank someone a second time by text or email for a date until I read this blog. The point it seemed to me, was not good manners, it was rather to give the person a “green light” to ask for another date. An incentive so to speak, if they might be uncertain of their date’s interest. Presumably those who are interested are demonstrating their interest ON the date, but an extra nicety can’t hurt.

      If one isn’t interested in going out again, a second electronic thank you I think might be construed as sending a mixed signal.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 0

      Reply

      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        “The point it seemed to me, was not good manners, it was rather to give the person a “green light” to ask for another date.”

        Yes, that is the point. I have a personal preference about it, which I made clear. Because, why not do it? The controversy about it is just weird – like, nobody can articulate a rational reason why you would not, if you’re interested, say “thanks again for the drinks, I had a great time.” (Hint: I already know why women don’t do it.)

        I do think it’s a universal rule of manners that you must say thank you if someone pays for your drinks or meal, but I don’t think it’s a universal rule of manners that you must follow up with an email/text. It just makes sense to do it.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

        Reply

        • Selena Says:

          “Because, why not do it? The controversy about it is just weird – like, nobody can articulate a rational reason why you would not, if you’re interested, say “thanks again for the drinks, I had a great time.” (Hint: I already know why women don’t do it.)”

          I came of dating age before cell phones and the internet. The equivalent of a second “thank you” for a date back then would be to either send a card through the post office, or call the next day. It was not commonplace to do this. Many, if not most women are socialized not to “chase” men and following up in that way could conceivably look like chasing. Perhaps using text/email for second thank you’s feels like chasing to some women?

          Really, I think second electronic thank you’s just feel unnecessary and redundant to a lot of people these days, and if it isn’t common practice in their social circles they don’t think about it.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

          Reply

      • Eliza Says:

        I agree with Selena…I usually thank my date – at the end of the date–EVEN if I paid my own way. On a recent date, the guy suggested Starbuck’s, which I was fine with – it was our very first meeting – through an short email exchange via OKCupid. We meet at Starbuck’s for like 2 minutes–and he quickly suggests dining somewhere nearby…I said OK. I always have cash and/or credit cards to pay my share. As I browse through the menu, this sensitive man states ignorantly: “order what you want, since you will be paying for it anyway”.

        It was at that instance…where I made a promise to myself to not even offer 1 RED Cent. Period. What neanderthal behaves like that? Actually, in hindsight, I should have stood up, put on my coat, and just walked right out of there…embarassing him–in front of tons of other diners. I ordered something small/light since it was rather late in the evening to eat anything too heavy. What a major ass.

        One huge pet peeve of mine on a first date: Checking that damn cell phone, and taking calls. If you have emergencies or work to handle–schedule a date when you actually have free time to talk, and listen, conversate, etc. By the way–I am also a dinosaur I guess–since I DO keep in contact by talking over the phone/cell.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 4

        Reply

        • mindstar Says:

          If he was clueless enough to make a statement like that then he’s clueless enough not to be embarrassed if you stood up and walked out

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

          Reply

          • Eliza Says:

            True. I was surprised, never ever did I hear such a crass, thoughtless remark from anyone on any date before. I actually did thank him – for the date, eventhough he made such a rude remark…but he definitely stood out from the rest–in a negative way. He claimed that he had a sarcastic sense of humor–which I don’t care for anyway–I find sarcasm to be biting and if it’s a tad too much sarcasm, it may come across as obnoxious…I don’t want to analyze if my date says one thing, while meaning another. I did promise myself – if ever someone was that rude again…I would walk right out the door, without a word.
            In the dating world, you get what you give out to the universe.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

            Reply

        • Tinker Says:

          I thought you told this story before only you did actually walk out on the guy- do I have you confused with someone else? And why did he tell you you were paying if he ended up paying?

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

          Reply

      • Lisa Says:

        I agree!

        I thank the guy at least twice while on the date (once when he reaches for the check and again when we are going our separate ways). That is enough IMO; no one should feel like thy have to gush excessive thanks and praise for a drink or a cheap meal that they drove themselves to and provided pleasant conversation during. Anything more than that can look like fishing…or could be misleading if they don’t want a second date.

        However, most of the time, the guy asks me to text him to let him know I’ve made it home safely after the date, esp if the date was at night.

        When I send that text, I will slip in a quick, “thanks again for a nice time” or similar. It seems a bit much, honestly, but then again, it feels weird leaving it out. Just typing, “I’m home” feels like not quite enough.

        I rarely offer to pay. It’s not an outing w/ a friend. It’s a first date. No.

        I don’t care if guys ask me about my divorce or last relationship or many other things that could be considered inappropriate. I’m glad they are trying to get to know me. And I have nothing to hide.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 3

        Reply

        • Selena Says:

          “I thank the guy at least twice while on the date (once when he reaches for the check and again when we are going our separate ways)”.

          I always do that also. So that’s 2 separate thank you’s right there. A “I got home safely, thank you again for _____” would make 3. How many times is one expected to say thank you before it becomes superfluous?

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

          Reply

          • K Says:

            Agreed. I recently went on a date and thanked him when he paid, and again after we took a stroll and he walked me to my car. I was very nice about it, thanked him for picking such a nice place and for the nice evening. I also said I’d love to see him again and we discussed days that could work in the next week. I did not go home and thank him for the third time. I had another date where I was thanking him for the 2nd time and my cab arrived and ruined the moment. In that situation I sent a text from the cab because I didn’t want him to think I just dashed off and wasn’t interested. I decide on on a case by case basis. If I felt I was obvious, sincere, and explicit in person I don’t feel the need to thank someone five minutes later when I get home.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

            Reply

            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              You need to be careful. Too many superfluous thank you’s floating in the atmosphere contribute to climate change.

              Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 7

              Reply

    • AnnieNonymous Says:

      This might be a generational thing – I’ve never sent a thank you note after attending a party or crashing on someone’s couch. It’s just not done anymore, nor is it taught by our parents, teachers, or peers. This blog is literally the only place I’ve seen it said that you should send a thank you note after the date, as if saying “Thanks for taking me out, I had a great night, let’s do it again sometime” in person isn’t adequate. It’s one of those things that could continue to be hammered home, but the response from people under 35 is always going to be, “Huh, I have never heard of that.” There’s also the issue of basic economic class. People in their 20s don’t host dinner parties anymore, and they weren’t raised by parents who did that either. I only recently learned that if you bring a bottle of wine to a party, it’s a gift for the host, not meant to be drunk at the meal. These social mores have fallen by the wayside as people stopped being able to afford to throw parties.

      If someone extends me a generosity, I thank them in person at the time and then open the door to return the favor when it’s necessary. This thing with notes isn’t something people are conscious of. And before anyone asks, I was raised by an old-fashioned Betty Draper type from the Midwest.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 3

      Reply

      • AnnieNonymous Says:

        For what it’s worth, a lot of “accepted” etiquette practices are virtually unknown to younger people. Go ask a college student what a follow-up letter is (in the context of job interviews). He will have no idea what that is. Personally, I think my friends would think I was really weird if I sent them notes and texts every time they acted like good friends. We do stuff for each other all the time, even when it’s inconvenient or expensive. No need to go overboard with notes. That just makes it look like no one’s ever been kind to you before.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 2

        Reply

        • ATWYSingle Says:

          Here’s a question.

          If you’re invited to someone’s home for a gathering, do you bring something?

          I feel like people know exactly what is expected of them in social situations, and pick and choose when to implement certain expressions of appreciation.

          We’re not talking about the basic niceties we all do for friends. If my friend and i are headed up town together in a cab, I might pay because I don’t want them sitting there sifting through their wallet looking for a five or ten dollar bill. It’s just easier for me to pay for it if I’m the last stop. I don’t expect a thank you note for it. That’s not what we’re talking about.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

          Reply

          • AnnieNonymous Says:

            If I’m going to someone’s house, I’ll listen to the directives given by the host. If she says nothing is needed, I won’t bring anything. If it’s BYOB or potluck, I’ll follow through on that. I know enough finnicky people to know better than to second-guess a stated plan.

            I have never been to a formal dinner party. Young adults don’t have them anymore. The question of whether I bring anything to these parties is moot – no one I know has ever hosted one. I’m on the cusp of working- and middle-class. You’re not talking about common knowledge stuff; you’re talking about social rules that are passed down from parent to child in certain economic brackets. This is kind of what I was talking about though. It’s not like I can be tricked into admitting that I really do know to send thank you notes after dates. I really genuinely was not raised to do this, nor were my peers (both age-wise and economically). I’m sure I could learn it now at this juncture, but that’s missing the real point that no one really does this.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 7

            Reply

      • Selena Says:

        “And before anyone asks, I was raised by an old-fashioned Betty Draper type from the Midwest.”

        Me too. :) And now in her 70’s, a doubt my mother has sent out thank you notes after attending parties, etc. for decades.

        The thing about bringing a bottle of wine-as I understand it- is that it’s up to host what they want to do with it. They may serve it that night, or save it because they already planned which wines they want to serve with their meal. It’s considered a gift, not necessarily a contribution to the dinner that evening.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

        Reply

      • Nicole Says:

        I think it’s also a cultural/regional thing. I’m in Texas, and we still send second thank-yous after dinner parties (which yes, we had even even in our 20s, is that weird?). Sure, it’s changed – people mostly say thanks the next day on Facebook or send a text – but it would be weird not to do it.

        My ex and I lived in Boston during grad school, and we stuck out like sore thumbs. In the South, it’s expected that a man will hold the door to a restaurant or office open until every woman in sight has walked through. Do that in New England and you get some strange looks.

        Out of dozens of first dates, I only went on one where the guy didn’t walk me to my car afterwards and wait to leave until I was on my way. It’s standard manners here, men do it with female friends and colleagues, not just on dates. And I know it makes me sound like a princess, but I felt dissed by the guy who just got in his car and left me walking alone across the parking lot.

        So, yeah, it’s just what you’re used to. And if you and your date have drastically different experiences when it comes to social norms like this, it can get pretty confusing.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

        Reply

        • Eliza Says:

          I agree with Nicole. Hell, I once met a man in a pub – and as I was getting ready to leave – at 1:30am no less…he offered to walk me to my car. I was ready to leave on my own, and didn’t ask him for that courtesy, since I am not one to impose–especially on someone I just met that night. Well, he did walk me to my car…but before he left – he ASKED me if I could drive him (pretty much still a stranger) to his car (which was like a 5 minute walk! Geez. He’s supposedly a man, able to take care of himself at 1:30am. He never stopped to think how that request put me on the spot.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

          Reply

        • Steve From the City Next Door Says:

          The really confusing one that I have experienced was she expected me to open and hold the car door for her but it was inappropriate for me to hold he restaurant door open for her. She told me so bout both on the same date.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

          Reply

  13. Idezign2 Says:

    Maybe this one is a Midwest thing. Guys here, for the most part, want to do dinner for a meet and greet. Hate that. I always try to down grade to a coffee shop, a bar. Nope. We end up at an expensive place.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

    Reply

    • tasia Says:

      Anothet weird midwest thing of note (most of the time) is offering to pay my way or if they pay this time I pick it up next time. Guys seem to get almost offended about this. I’m not trying to use you for free stuff random internet dater!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  14. Jess Says:

    I guess this goes along with #9…but talking about bad OKC experiences? I thought this was a big no-no, but a guy I recently went on a first date with talked very freely about his adventures using the site. It was kind of strange because I didn’t know if I was supposed to reciprocate (I didn’t).

    I like when a guy asks me to text him when I get home safe, and then responds to said text. I think it’s a nice gesture. And this is when we usually exchange “thank yous” and express interest in seeing each other again.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • Eliza Says:

      Jess–some men are open books, and have no idea what to disclose on date no. 1…and some also have no conversation skills–where they find all they can talk about is “the dating site they are on”. Tons of topics, like travel, books, music, movies, interests outside of work, foreign languages, current events–exclusing religion and politics of course. And it’s always nice when a man does ensure a lady gets home safely–when she is travelling home from a date on her own. That tiny gesture seals the deal,and speaks volumes to me.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • Lisa Says:

      I think it’s funny to swap humorous/bad first date stories! And it gives you a little insight their personality, their dealbreakers and what other women out there are doing.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 5

      Reply

  15. Colin Says:

    I probably shouldn’t admit this, but I’m guilty of #6. Actually, I’ve pulled the plug even before a date. She didn’t look anything at all like her picture. And I wasn’t about to have dinner and waste $50-60 on someone that I knew I wasn’t interested in. I know it was rude, but dating is expensive for men.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 6

    Reply

  16. CoolDude Says:

    I wear v-neck t-shirts, jeans and converse sneakers on dates all the time. Don’t see what the problem is. As long as you’re highlighting your good physical features, who cares?

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 12

    Reply

    • Betty Says:

      I think it can depend dramatically on the kind of date/venue you’re going on. For a real sleezy dive bar and taco truck dinner? Casual dress is perfect. For a fancy restaurant/high end cocktails? Elevate your fashion game.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  17. D. Says:

    I’ve got a few.

    11. Don’t say “Let’s do this again” at the end of the date, if you don’t really mean it.

    I’ve been guilty of this before. And I’ve been on the receiving end of it. Sometimes it’s just a case of the person being into things in the moment, but then reflecting later and saying “Nah.” Those are unfortunate, but just sort of a fact of life in dating. I’m talking more about when you KNOW you’re on the fence (or worse), in the moment, and you say it anyway. Resist the urge to just “be polite” or to fill dead air or whathaveyou. It’s perfectly acceptable to just say “Ok, goodnight!” and head on home.

    12. Don’t make up bullshit excuses for cutting things short.

    Sometimes you know the date’s a bust and you’re gonna cut it short. We can debate the propriety of that behavior. But what (in my opinion) is not up for debate is how you cut it short. Going to the bathroom and then coming back to say you just got a text from a friend who broke up with their boyfriend/girlfriend? Yeah. Everyone knows that move. If coming right out and saying “This isn’t a match. Thank you anyway,” isn’t your style, just stick it out for a socially graceful period, and then say you really should get going, need to wake up early because of work/the dog/the gym/yadda yadda yadda. It’s equally as transparent, but it’s not as insulting. The “emergency text” thing comes across like “I have to go. My planet needs me.”

    13. Don’t spend the date complaining about stuff.

    You’d think this would be obvious, but I’ve encountered it personally, and heard of friends encountering it, too. Look, everyone has their cross to bear. Your job sucks, your car just broke down, your ex is awful, your roommate’s an idiot, whatever. But really…keep it to yourself. It’s a date, not therapy. You don’t have to come across like a cheery muppet, but it’s just off-putting to have someone complain about all manner of things. You’re making a first impression. Do you want that impression to be that you’re a dour, unhappy person? I wouldn’t, and I wouldn’t trust someone who was all gung-ho about dating someone who’s like that.

    14. The Etiquette of Cancelling.

    Sometimes shit comes up. You get stuck at work, there’s some kind of emergency with friends/family, you’re totally wiped out after an awful day, or you’re really sick. If you cannot manage to go on a date that night, it’s ok to cancel, but do it the right way. Someone set aside time in their schedule for you, when they could’ve done something else with someone else. So be polite. Do it as far in advance as possible, be appropriately and genuinely apologetic, and if you want to see the person again, suggest a future meeting, ideally on a specific day (e.g., “I’m free Thursday if you want to try again then.”). Doesn’t really matter if you don’t know the other person’s schedule. The point is you’re showing that you still want to get together. Then, follow up with the person. Don’t leave the ball in their court. You’re the one who blew up plans last time, so give them a call.

    Oh, one other thing. Personally, I think it’s both more polite, and a better move tactically to call the person and tell them (or leave a voicemail). The politeness thing…yeah, maybe I’m old-fashioned about that. But tactically, the other person can actually hear your tone of voice, rather than imagining it while reading your text/email, which makes it less likely that they’ll think you just didn’t give a shit. Plus, I think it’s kinda cowardly to cancel via text just because you don’t want to feel uncomfortable when you inconvenience the other person.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • James Says:

      Ordering the most expensive thing on the menu. Any woman who does that very early in the process on the second or third date (I don’t do dinner on first dates) comes across as a moocher and I will lose interest quickly unless she’s exceptional.

      Showing up drunk or getting drunk.

      Not maintaining the conversation. If I have to ask all the questions…well it won’t work.

      Cursing. A lady does not curse on a first date.

      Telling me your freaky side or about your toys next to your bed. Or the time three guys tag teamed you and came on your face. Yes that actually happened to me and I had to hear it. Guess where that date headed?

      Propositioning me or asking me for money, yes that happened to me too. When I was newly single I foolishly gave a woman 60 bucks “to pay the babysitter” but it was probably to score her shit. Of course I never heard from her again. Lesson learned.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  18. James Says:

    oh I forgot this gem…stealing the server’s tip money while I’m in the bathroom and then pretending that there was no money there to begin with.
    I finally found the right woman BUT I went through a lot of weirdos to find her and I didn’t meet her online, thank goodness.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

    Reply

Leave a Reply

© 2013-2017 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved