Just Because You Had Sex With Them Doesn’t Mean They Owe You Anything

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): CHdatingsex44

Comment: I met a marine off this website called Plenty of Fish. We texted for a couple of weeks and then met in person. We connected very well so i thought. The mistake i made on my end is i slept with him that night. What confuses me is that he texted me the next morning and night. After that i haven’t heard from him. Was i just a one night stand or what? if he just wanted sex, why text me the next day?
Age: 25
City: Garden Grove
State: California

I don’t understand. What is so huge about him texting you the next day? It’s not like he bought you an island. He just pressed a few buttons on his phone. This is not the grand gesture that many women often make it out to be. He sent you a message the next day either to reply to the message you sent and be polite or because he was bored or because he wanted to invest a little time in maintaining the connection should he want seconds.

People aren’t typically inclined to reveal what it is exactly that they want in these situations. That usually doesn’t help us get what we want. Therefore, we we say nothing. As we discussed in a post last week, unless they explicitly promise us something more before we sleep with them, they don’t really owe us anything. People can pretend that the act of sex is akin to signing some kind of contract if that makes them feel better. And they can choose to believe they were deceived if they prefer to play the victim. But we’re all adults. Sex is not in any way a binding contract that affords us various rights. Sleeping with someone casually and without commitment does not mean that that person owes you any kind of explanation as to why you never heard from them again. If that’s the level of expectation you place on casual sex, you’re in the wrong game. And FYI…any sex outside of committed sex constitutes casual sex in my book. So all you, “Oh, I don’t do that” folks need to get over yourselves.

Casual sex means no expectations. Like, none, other than maybe an orgasm. And even that isn’t a given. This is a brutal message for some, but once it’s learned, it alleviates the grand majority of complications and confusions that come from uncommitted couplings.

Oh, so you want to approach the person who never called after sex and let them know how that hurt your feelings so you can reclaim control and glue your self-worth back together? Okay. Maybe they’ll express regret for being casually callous. Maybe they’re shrug their shoulders and say, “Alrighty.” Or maybe they’ll send the dreaded, “K” in response to your text take-down. It’s highly unlikely they will adjust their behavior.People rarely change unless their quality of life or survival requires it.

Here’s the thing: if you have to tell someone that what they did hurt you, then that’s a really good sign they don’t really care about your feelings. Not they they should in situations like this because it’s expected that both parties are responsible and accountable for their feelings and needs in these situations. If you need a text the next day to make you feel less “slutty” then you probably shouldn’t be having casual sex. If you need someone to feign interest for a time so you can continue to believe that they felt what you felt, then casual sex isn’t for you. These are things you need to discern and decide for yourself before you have sex. After a certain age or level of experience, it’s not up to other people to walk you through this. We are adults. Sex is a thing. A good thing. A fun thing. A wonderful thing. It serves many purposes and has many levels of intimacy. You can’t assume that all sexual experiences fall under the same category and therefore merit the same reaction and responses.

 

 

 

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10 Responses to “Just Because You Had Sex With Them Doesn’t Mean They Owe You Anything”

  1. Greg Figueroa Says:

    To me, text or not she would have been still spending a lot of mind space on this situation. It doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong or weird. Just chalk it up to the dating game.

    Hopefully, OP doesn’t add those silly “not looking to hook up” disclaimers on her POF profile.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 5

    • Selena Says:

      “Hopefully, OP doesn’t add those silly “not looking to hook up” disclaimers on her POF profile.”

      Or hopefully she decides it’s silly to hookup with someone she just met and have any expectations from them.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 3

      • fuzzilla Says:

        Another one to grow on is that it’s silly to text for weeks before meeting. The, “Hello, let’s text” thing really bugs me. Texting is not a method to get to know someone, it’s a way to dash off a quick note to someone you already know.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 7

        • fuzzilla Says:

          Actually, I guess I see why someone would prefer texting to OKCupid messaging – that if you’re talking to them on your phone either way, texting is faster than the OKCupid app. That it’s simply a a user experience thing and not that they wanna go all dirty talk/dic pic-y necessarily. I usually am sitting at a desktop computer when I’m on OKCupid, which is why this angle didn’t occur to me at first. When I was traipsing around the city yesterday, though, I tried various apps and they were really slow and annoying and would freeze up. I was like, “Oh, just forget it…”?

          Still, texting rather than using the OKC site would involve giving my private # to someone I barely know – so NO, unless I’m interested enough to meet.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 4

        • C Says:

          What? But without texting for weeks, how would you build a totally false sense of “connecting very well” and inspire a “completely spontaneous” ONS?

          Yeah, sorry OP, you got played.

          I think this is becoming a strategy. Back when I was online dating, I had at least a couple of guys try to drag out correspondence. One texted me incessantly for 2 days. So I asked him when we could meet. He rather indignantly told me he had no interest in wasting his time driving clear across Los Angeles to meet someone he hadnt corresponded with sufficiently. Umh, sufficiently for what?

          As to why he texted after the ONS…who knows?! Whatever the motivation, it didnt last long.

          But girl…seriously? I’m sorry to be so blunt, but this was a young, horny military guy who found you on POF and texted you for 2 weeks. What connection?

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 3

        • Eliza Says:

          I agree the endless texting is so annoying, as is using the OKC board. Be ready to meet relatively soon…it shouldn’t pose an issue and speaking on the phone shouldn’t be problematic–if a person doesn’t have time to speak on the phone for all of 5 minutes and to meet up at some point–then they are clearly too busy to date. Texting is definitely no grand gesture–from anyone either. So what – the marine sent a lame text the next morning…he didn’t want to burn his bridges…or had 5 seconds to kill. If he actually wanted to connect – he would have called to hear the OP’s voice. Texting is very impersonal I find, it’s great to keep in touch – if you are running late, need to confirm location, send a quick hello to someone while they are working, etc. But to read into getting a text the day after a ONS–it’s meaningless.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  2. John Says:

    I can’t count the number of times women have faded on me after a first date. I’ve done the same to women where I saw no long term potential. That’s what happened here. End of story.

    However, if I am interested in a woman enough to date her, I would be interested enough to have sex with her after a first date, even if I have no long term interest in a relationship. That would be a good bonus after a first date. I’ve done that in the past and never regretted it. I’m just telling it as it is.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 9

  3. Lisa Says:

    Not clear if the OP replied to the texts or not. And if so, what did they discuss? If she wants to continue to hang out w/ him, maybe she could text or call him. Or didn’t he seem receptive to that in his texts?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

  4. D. Says:

    First date sex doesn’t mean anything.

    This includes:

    – That you’re a bad person for having sex on a first date.

    – That the other person is really super into you.

    – That the other person is just using you for sex.

    – That the other person is a bad person for having sex on a first date.

    – That you and the other person have a future.

    – That you and the other person DON’T have a future.

    First date sex doesn’t mean anything other than that you both wanted to have sex.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

  5. jane Says:

    There are a lot of us that just shouldnt have casual sex (and I totally agree with Moxie’s definition of casual sex being anything before/outside of an exclusive relationship). If you are going to get invested quickly or KNOW that you want a relationship and will be hurt if it doesnt happen, you probably shouldnt have sex before that is a definite. No betting on ‘connections’ or ‘feelings’ as evidence that the guy is interested. To have casual sex requires the attitude that you can walk away satisfied at the end of the day with no further expectations and if you dont genuinely believe you’ll be happy with that dont do it!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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