Beware The Man Who Says All The Right Things After 1 Date #atwys

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): I’m Messed Up, You’re Amazing, Let’s Be Friends

Comment: I met someone online about a month and a half ago. Their message to me was rare in that they clearly were not looking for just a hookup, but genuinely found me interesting. We hit it off and agreed to meet. He was the sweetest guy I had gone on a date with. We went to a restaurant, he bought me a cute gift, and we talked for hours. Our second date was just as great. All the while, we would text multiple times a day and have fun talking to each other. On our third date, we had established that we liked each other and we had sex. Afterwards he told me that he cared for me. We both had gone on a long weekend away to different areas, and when we had gotten back he had dropped a bomb. He said that he could not go further with an amorous relationship because his heart was still with a girlfriend who has died suddenly a few years prior (I had not known this fact). I was shocked and hurt. He was brutally honest in explaining that I was not the one, and that he tried to make it work because he likes me and thinks I’m amazing. He said he felt trapped and that it didn’t feel right. He said we don’t have to change our friendship that we had developed and that we should still hang out. I said I felt he lead me on. He said we can still do things he promised to do with me, like take me to his friend’s wedding and go to a friend’s party. He also said he wants to see me happy and also offered to find me a better job near him so I can work and hang out with him afterwards. He said that I deserve better and that he can’t offer much. It was at a point where he stopped it before it got too serious. I feel good about him being a friend, and I do want to hang out with him again. I personally have no problems repurposing our dates (never established a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship) into a friendship. My question is, is it right? Is he still leading me on with helping me with finding a job? I’m kind of confused. I said I didn’t want to lose him as a friend, but I’m not sure if he’s saying these things to ease the rejection, or if he genuinely wants the friendship with me.
Age: 28
City: Smithtown
State: New York

 

Maybe he has a dead girlfriend, maybe he doesn’t. Who knows. Maybe he’s still heartbroken over the loss and, years later, is still morning her. Totally possible. Really.

The only thing we know for sure is that he doesn’t want to have a relationship with you. Not a serious or committed one, at least. But he’ll be friends with you! He’ll take you to a friend’s wedding even though you and he have only had three dates. Because, I mean, who doesn’t do that? That’s totally normal! As is buying you a gift on your first date. Sure! That happens all the time!

This guy seems to have a penchant for going overboard and saying things he doesn’t mean. He gets caught up in the moment. I’m not sure why you should believe him when he says he wants to be friends when I’m sure he said equally effusive things when he was gaming to be your boyfriend.

This guys just wanted to have sex with you. Once that goal was achieved, he was done. How does this scenario differ than others we’ve discussed? He tried too hard. I believe this guy has been out of the game for awhile. That explains why he’s so utterly shitastic at it. This guy badly wanted to get laid, so much so that he was making all kinds of promises that he never intended to fulfill. People with options don’t invest that much time and effort into someone they just met. PS? Who the hell agrees to go to a wedding with someone they’ve been out with two or three times? He offered to find you a job so you can be closer to him and so you can hang out with him more? What the wut? Normal people do not exhibit the behavior exhibited by this guy.

Spoiler alert: he’s not going to help you find a job so you can move closer to him. I don’t even think he’s going to attend that wedding with you. You shouldn’t believe a word that comes out of his mouth. Why? Because everything he is saying and doing is so far away from what is considered appropriate that you should be running from him. He’s going overboard with trying to prove he’s not a jerk because he doesn’t want to believe he mislead you. He probably does feel bad. That remorse is likely genuine. But what’s motivating him is a guilty conscience, not a sense of honor.

Their message to me was rare in that they clearly were not looking for just a hookup, but genuinely found me interesting.

Good thing he “clearly” wasn’t just looking for a hook-up, amirite? The lesson here is that people will say and do anything to get what they want. It was in his best interest to present himself as seeking something more than sex. Because, as you learned, he got it. It amazes me when people base their character judgments of people on 4 lines of text.Profile, schmofile. You’re never going to have an idea of their true character and intentions until you’ve dated them for quite some time. And even then you probably won’t know them completely.

You’re never going to know if someone is guaranteed not to bail after sex until you have sex with them. Boom goes the dynamite. That’s why so many people like to delay sex. They think that it will make the person they’re dating become more invested. NOPE! That’s another myth that we hear all the time.

Cut this guy off. He’s exhausting. He’s going to mess with your head until you don’t know which end is up.

And he’s not your friend. Don’t buy into that either. He’s trying to cushion the blow by saying he still wants you in his life.

 

 

 

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32 Responses to “Beware The Man Who Says All The Right Things After 1 Date #atwys”

  1. Sherry Says:

    “He was brutally honest in explaining that I was not the one.”

    You have your answer, letter writer. He told you that you’re not the one for him. He does not want a relationship with you, nor does he want friendship in the truest sense.

    However, this guy will say whatever he needs to say to convert it into a friends-with-benefits (FWB) arrangement as long as he can get laid in the near future. If you’re fine with a no-strings-attached setup, enjoy the ride. But if you want the committed relationship, you need to cut this guy off promptly.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 1

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    • Lucy Says:

      I was reading this immeediately thinking of a guy I had dated in the past. After being messed about, and him attempting to get me into a friends-with-benefits arrangement, I pretty much give him the cold shoulder when he tries to initiate a friendship. For my sense of pride, I just can’t do being friends with him. If he hadn’t acted sleazy and tried to use me for sex, then maybe friendship was a possibility.

      I don’t know if this guy’s intentions are good or not but I wouldn’t stick around to find out. I think he wants to dangle her on a string. It’s all right for him because he’s not that into her. If he genuinely wants to be friends with her, is he even thinking of her feelings?

      I’m going with the theory that none of what he said will materialise. I respect a man who sticks to his word and doesn’t say anything he doesn’t really mean. He sounds a bit arrogant as well. He didn’t have to say that she wasn’t ‘the one’. He could have stuck to saying that he didn’t feel ready for a relationship, then wished her well and gone on his way. I know that sounds wishy-washy but when you break up with someone, there’s no need to go into a personal monologue.

      If I was the OP, I wouldn’t be rude to the guy, but I would try and move on or at least establish some distance. At least I would not actively pursue the friendship – rather see how he follows through and if I’d want to/could handle being friends with him.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  2. BostonRobin Says:

    Yeah, this is how people groom someone for a FWB. They may not set out to do this, but they tell themselves that “at least I was honest about it.”

    Well you don’t get a cookie for being “honest.” You’re supposed to be honest. He wasn’t emotionally honest though, not with himself or you. What is this rubbish about being hung up on a DEAD WOMAN? Jesus.

    Please get out of this, have no more to do with him. He’s a mess and he will drag you down. He told you it’s not going anywhere so please believe him! Don’t second-guess yourself when someone tells you this sort of thing. Oh, and “friends?” Does a friend mess with your head like this?

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    • D. Says:

      It’s very possible he could be hung up on someone who died. That’s still a good reason to bail, though. Unless you don’t think you can do better than someone who flat-out tells you they aren’t ready to date you and you aren’t the one for them.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

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      • C Says:

        I’m going to venture a guess that if he were in fact hung up on a dead girlfriend, he knew about his hangup long before he attempted to woo the LW. Any way you slice it up, he is playing head games with the LW.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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        • Lucy Says:

          Yes a more genuine guy would share that kind of information up front before getting involved; not use it as a reason to break-up later on. Well it could be true but could also be a go-to reason. I mean it’s pretty common that a guy will say “I’m not over my ex” as a way to end a dating relationship. The hang-up could very well have a basis in truth. But he’s obviously not so hung-up on his ex that he can’t entertain the thought of dating different women.

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  3. Hard ache Says:

    Before we rush to judgement hearing one side of the story –

    Is it possible that he was starved for love, genuinely found op interesting, but the sex didn’t do it for him. He possibly had other alternatives and so made his choice.

    He still likes op genuinely and so is letting her down gently and sticking to his promises.

    Logically, if all a guy was interested in was sex, so much so he would lie so extensively to get it, why would he immediately jeapordize it right after he got what he wanted? Women repeat this odd narrative so often, it’s surprising. One exception, two exceptions I could understand, but to label all mankind with this illogical behavior doesn’t make sense.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 18

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **Logically, if all a guy was interested in was sex, so much so he would lie so extensively to get it, why would he immediately jeapordize it right after he got what he wanted?**

      Because he doesn’t want her to get attached.

      Who’s labeling all mankind?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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    • Lisa Says:

      ***Logically, if all a guy was interested in was sex, so much so he would lie so extensively to get it, why would he immediately jeapordize it right after he got what he wanted? ***

      Or bc he’s bored now and wants to focus on his next target.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

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    • Nicole Says:

      Hard ache, I think you answered your own question in that post – “the sex didn’t do it for him”.

      Because otherwise, I agree, why not take advantage of the available sex for as long as possible, until you meet someone you like better?

      And Fuzzilla, in that situation wouldn’t the guy want the woman to get attached, so she sticks around and keeps having sex with him? Unless by attached you mean clingy and needy, I can see why a guy who was only interested in sex might think that was too much work and move on.

      I’m talking in general here, not so much about the OP’s situation… That guy just sounds unstable or at least completely clueless about what he wants. Anyone who expects to know they’ve met “the one” after 3 dates – or even thinks that’s a reasonable thing to say when you bail – is not a good candidate for a relationship.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

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      • Lisa Says:

        Some men enjoy the game as much as the sex. It’s an ego stroke boost when they set their sights on a new conquest and win her over. If that’s the case w/ this guy (and we can never really know), then the OP didn’t intrigue him enough to make him give up the game.

        There’s a lot of sex out there for the taking. There’s no shortage. No one has to stick w/ anyone they aren’t really into just to have sex on a regular basis.

        We have no idea what the OP looks like, what he looks like, what kinds of other options he has, how much he really enjoyed their dates, etc.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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      • C Says:

        No he wouldnt want the attachment. He doesnt want the drama and expectations of an actual relationship. And he certainly doesnt want her calling him. He wants the emotional (and sexual) support of a caring female “friend” who will understand his “pain” while he struggles with the anguish over his poor dead girlfriend.

        Thats kind of brilliant actually.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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        • sunshine Says:

          I have to agree with you here C. I just went through a similar situation to OP with a guy I met online. He was telling me he loved me and wanted exclusivity before we even met. Looking back over our thousands (yep, literally) of messages I realized I had opened myself up to that by telling him I didn’t have sex outside of a committed relationship, was looking for something serious, etc. After non stop sex his interest in any kind of real relationship diminished considerably. He wanted to take it slow, because he’d been hurt in the past.

          I think in this case and my own that sex was def the main objective, and that yes this tactic of being in “pain” is indeed brilliant.

          I also got the we can be friends line too, which basically just means he needs the possibility of sex on standby in case all other options dry up. This guy knows exactly what he’s doing.

          I told my guy he was a POS and ran. You should do the same OP.

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  4. Hard ache Says:

    He seems to be following moxie’s advice from a few days ago – if you want to break up, come up with some barely believable excuse, then be prepared to never hear from the person again.

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  5. mindstar Says:

    Well the only way we’ll find out if he’s being honest is if we get a letter from the OP in a few months describing the wonderful new job he got her and the great time they had at his friend’s wedding.

    I’m not holding my breath.

    Moxie’s assessment is dead on target. A gift on the first date?? Possibly appropriate if you’re a high school sophmore and finally going out on a date with the girl you’ve had a crush on since kindergarten and even then it seems a little overboard.

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    • Lisa Says:

      Not sure what kind of gift she is talking about. But I’ve gone out w/ plenty of guys on first dates and they have brought me bunches of flowers, a single rose, Godiva chocolates, stuffed animals and books on topics of interest that I’ve mentioned (cooking, mixing drinks, etc.) It’s not uncommon.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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  6. D. Says:

    I agree with Moxie’s ultimate analysis — that this isn’t worth wasting time on, and that you should move on.

    However, I disagree that this was a “just wanted sex” scenario, necessarily. Sex certainly factored into this, but I doubt the guy would’ve spent 3 dates trying to get laid if he was the “just wants sex” type. That’s a lot of effort for not a ton of payoff.

    I suspect that the guy’s behavior was very possibly legitimate, at least to the extent that he was involved with someone, it ended, and he’s still not over it yet. Maybe that’s a dead girlfriend, or maybe he just got dumped, but to me, all of his behavior suggested that he was still very much in “boyfriend mode.” The constant texting, the buying you a “cute gift,” etc., that to me all seems like boyfriend behavior. It’s a little too intimate and intense right out of the gate.

    So, why do it? Well, you could argue that it’s all just pure manipulation designed to sucker women into hopping in the sack. But as other men on this site will tell you, that’s a LOT of effort to go to just to get laid. There are plenty of easier avenues if all you want is a piece of ass. This leads me to think that this guy wasn’t just looking for sex, but rather an instant emotional connection. He wanted to go through the motions of being in a relationship, possibly because he misses that aspect of his life and isn’t comfortable “just” dating. It may be that he’s looking to manufacture a kind of intimacy as well, because he’s craving some of that.

    The thing is, you can’t “make” that stuff happen. Intimacy develops over time. Connection can occur quickly, but it has to develop and strengthen slowly. Early on in dating, connections can also fizzle out just as quickly. It takes time to see if there’s more there than just a flash in the pan.

    So, this guy went through the motions, trying to create something like a relationship…and it didn’t work. Doesn’t necessarily make him a mustache-twirling villain who bullshitted you to get laid, but it does make him someone who’s pretty lacking in insight and foresight. This guy may also want to maintain a friendship, or at least is telling himself as much. I expect that, if this wasn’t an intentional manipulation, he recognizes he did some things that would leave someone pretty confused after his abrupt loss of interest.

    And that’s also where I agree with Moxie — he’s probably doing the “But we can still be friends!” thing to alleviate some sense of guilt. Maybe also because he has issues letting go of stuff and isn’t comfortable just saying “Yeah, sorry, not feeling it. Good luck!” and moving on.

    But in the end, regardless of why he’s doing what he’s doing, there are two key takeaways from all of this.

    1. Whirlwind romances generally don’t work out. Intimacy and connection can’t be fast-tracked; they develop and intensify only over time, even when there’s an initial spark. Take your time and let things develop.

    2. When someone comes on that strong that soon…go ahead and enjoy yourself, but bear in mind that the bottom could fall out at any moment. Early dating is extremely volatile, and even super-intense interest from someone can flame out virtually overnight. So don’t get ahead of yourself in spite of the effusiveness of the other person.

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    • tasia Says:

      I totally dated this guy (insta-relationship guy). Huge bouquet of flowers on date 2, wanted to “make love” with a deep connection the first time we had sex, called me international long distance while out of town & told me i was ‘so worth it’, then dumped me in less than a month (despite telling me he had always been the dumpee) because he wasn’t over his girlfriend of 10 years even though he had dated several women in the past few years. Told me I wasn’t the one because while out of town every time he wanted to call someone & talk about his day etc it wasn’t me. Ouch.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Jesus. Mixed message-y types are really the worst. There’s being a dick and then there’s being a dick and rubbing salt in the wound. :/

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  7. AC Says:

    This guy sounds like a major con artist. Here’s why:
    1) An email indicating how interesting he found you? He’s
    done this before otherwise she never would’ve bought it.
    2) a gift on date #1? Who does that except somebody who’s clearly looking to gain something.
    3) Dead girlfriend? Sounds like a classic case of the bigger the lie the more likely it is to be believed.

    Everything he said about the wedding also builds the case if there’s something not quite right about this guy.

    Do yourself a favor and run like hell.

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    • wishing u well Says:

      Considering the potential “con artist” angle: what if the “dead girlfriend” is alive and well? Call me a skeptic but if she is very much present, clearly he doesn’t want to mess things up with her. And if the OP were to engage in “friendship” with him, it allows him to keep her as a ready made backup plan….you know…for “when he is ready to try love again.”.

      I just can’t.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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  8. Howard Says:

    This guy demonstrates the complicated mess that is out there with lots of us. While most of us may not be as bad as him, we all have some convoluted ways we do things. It’s a demonstration of the good and bad within all of us. It’s easy to deal with people or situations mostly good or mostly bad. We easily know where we stand, when that happens.

    It’s the scenarios like this that are hardest, especially when we get our emotions involved. Actually, without our emotions involved, it’s quite easy to make a call, as most have already done on this board.

    It doesn’t matter much what the reasons or extenuating circumstances are. I often find people look to those reasons and extenuating circumstances as salves for the pain. Some even find it necessary to make the other person a villain to allow themselves to feel more like victims. I suppose those coping mechanisms are necessary in the short term for some people.

    OP, it’s about what you really want. That is what carries the day. Don’t play games with your mind about may happen, or what seems like a workable situation. Life is too short to do that with relationships, when one is that young. At the very least, give yourself a real shot at what you really want, rather than settling for these types of unsure people in your life.

    You didn’t do too much wrong. It’s easy to fall for this type of thing, because people like this, are saying the exact things, we so desperately wish to hear. It may even happen again. The worst thing to do, is become jaded and distrustful. Dating has its hazards. I am pretty darn sure, that there are lots of guys who will promise what this guy promised, and actually deliver. That he didn’t deliver, and has no real plans on delivering, does not indict the next guy that comes along.

    Some guys that come on real hard, actually do mean it. Some like this guy are questionable. Wisdom is being able to discern the difference. There is no formula for learning this, but experiencing life and learning, and adapting, and blessing every experience we have, as what we needed at that time, and quickly moving to the next.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 4

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    • Lucy Says:

      I guess it’s still possible that he just leaped in without thinking and got in all over his head. I’m not going to jump to the conclusion that he meant to cause any harm. I dumped a guy after sex once but it wasn’t because of the sex. It’s just that the sex made everything clear in my head and I suddenly realised that I wasn’t as into the guy as I thought. I got caught up in the motions.

      I know it’s a terrible way to act.

      Maybe that guy was a male version of me at that point. He didn’t want to feel guilty so he suggested friendship? It’s really hard to know unless you know the guy. But I’m posting my story to show that there are women who act like that too.

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  9. Yvonne Says:

    Sounds like a classic “he’s just not that into you” scenario. The fact that he admits that “he tried to make it work because he likes (you)” tells me that he was aware of this before you two had sex. Maybe he thought the sex would make him like you more. And how can you dislike him for being hung up on a girlfriend who died suddenly, even if it was years ago? Along with his offer to help you with your career, that’s just an excuse to let you down easy. Your question, “Is he still leading me on…” is your gut response to what he is telling you.

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  10. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    If anything, this might put to bed the need for some women to stop putting in their dating profiles that they’re ‘not looking for a hookup’, etc, because men don’t pay attention to that decree, and it doesn’t stop them from trying to achieve their goal. one. bit. at. all.

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  11. Lisa Says:

    Who can ever really know what the reasons were. But if I had to guess, I would put this scenario in the “he was running game on your from the beginning” category faster than I would put it in the “it just innocently fizzled” category.

    The guy might not have the looks or swag to get laid w/o all of the smoke and mirrors. Some guys have it like that and other guys don’t. Plus, some ppl find all of the “intrigue” in setting up these scenarios and playing the head games to be just as appealing as the sex itself. Some ppl (esp guys on sites) live for this stuff.

    Either way, this guy doesn’t always say what he means or mean what he says…and I prefer not to have ppl like that around me. So, I’d find my own job and go stag to the wedding (or bring a friend). Just like he changed his mind about you…change your mind about him. You will be FINE without his asistance.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 4

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  12. ThatFatBish Says:

    It really doesn’t matter why he changed his mind, it only matters that he changed it. Bid him adieu and move on to the next thing. Now that you know better, do better.

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  13. Tinker Says:

    If a guy is scheming for sex, he’ll usually fade slowly over time ( encouraging the woman to consider upping her sex game to ‘keep’ him) or he’ll at least do it a few times before cutting her off more abruptly.
    If he was hard up for sex, he definitely wouldn’t cut it off so fast. If he had plenty of options then this effort ( and the break up conversation) wouldn’t be worth it.

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  14. Damien Says:

    Right now, I see lots of eye-turning twenty-something women out there, largely because its convocation time. Almost universally, women this age attract the attention of men. Ten years ago, when I was that age, with hormones raging even higher, I remember that the primary interest of almost all of us guys was to score as many women as we could. Why not? They all seemed interesting and sex-worthy. There was always plenty of time in the future to settle down. Truth be told, none of us were scoring constantly, but we were all putting in our best efforts to get laid. Even the below average dudes were aiming for the same thing. When they were lucky enough to score, they still pumped and dumped, because there was always time to settle down later. At that age, there were just too many appealing flavors to sample.

    That’s what happened here.

    Sure there are guys out there who are interested in long term relationships leading to marriage. But there is no way to tell these two groups from one another. And the changing social dynamics from one cohort to the next means the rules are always changing. You just have to live, date, have sex for your own reasons, learn, and move on.

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  15. wishing u well Says:

    I agree with Moxie’s analysis and the comment about possibly being a con artist. This may not be the case, but I’ve seen a version of this in which the guy was running this same scheme on multiple women simultaneously. There was always a “main” woman who was his girlfriend, and he went to great lengths to hide these “friendships” with other women. He also had an intelligent-sounding, believable sob story about his life and his “struggle” to achieve his goals. The girlfriend was doing things for him (money, place to stay, access to her resources, etc), in the name of building the relationship, as he would tell her that his intent was to see whether or not they were compatible for marriage. Of course – things would hit a snag as the girlfriend begins to catch on and gets tired of doing all the work. The show of being decent and hardworking gives way to the reality of the guy being a lazy user with a “soft harem” of women. As the current girlfriend burns out, then he upgrades one of the “friends” to girlfriend status. Rinse and repeat. Oh and the women often did not know about each other.

    This guy may not be that extreme but cut him off now. He isn’t worth your time. I wish you well.

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  16. C Says:

    Awwwww, its all so tragic. His heart is still with his dead girlfriend but his penis has clearly moved on and would deeply regret losing your “friendship”.

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  17. Maria Says:

    Monkey see monkey do. Tell him that actually yeah you think he was idea was really good that you’ve realised you are not ready to commit to someone you barely know. Any yeah you may consider his suggestion to stay friends, really why not? And then you cut him off. Just like Moxie said, he will waste your energy. No contacting and not replying to him. I also want to say send vague responses with 3 days delay and never say yes or no, just maybe, not sure at the mo, will think about it, very short messages. But probably best just to cut him off, as you might get sucked into his stupid game again. The point of this? Hey revenge can be sweet ;)
    And hope and uncertainty can drive anyone crazy muahaha

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