Tips For Tinder Success #atwys

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): NoelleTinder_Fail
Comment: The more I date, the more I try to trust my instincts.  If a guy is sporadic with contacting me, I assume he’s not that interested in me, seeing someone else, or is just interested in a hookup.  I went on a date this past weekend with a guy I met on Tinder. He seemed very interested and kissed me at the end of the night. He texted that night and then again the following day several times.  He asked when we were going to get together again and I suggested a fun date for this weekend. After a few hours, he texted that it sounded fun.

The following day, I didn’t hear from him at all.  I then got a text the day after that wondering if we were going to get together on Friday as I had suggested, because he wanted to plan his weekend. I texted back that Friday worked for me and haven’t heard from him in a day.  Am I being paranoid, or are my instincts probably right?  I assume that if someone is interested is something more than a hookup, they would be consistent about responding and contacting me. That’s been my experience many times in the past. I don’t want to waste my time with flaky guys. He’s 8 years older than me, so I’m not sure if that makes a difference with the texting.
Age: 32
City: New York City
State: New York

I have a similar issue with guys from Tinder, which makes me think that this sort of response time is somewhat normal. If he’s following up and trying to firm up plans, then I think you need to extend the benefit of the doubt to him. People get busy. Just because they’re not up our butts with texts and attention doesn’t mean they’re up to no good.

This guy isn’t being sporadic. He’s just not texting you every day. There’s a difference. There’s no rule that says you can’t send him a text, too. In fact, I’d suggest doing something like that. If you do want to be in touch more regularly then send him a text and ask him how his day is going.

As a general tip, I would suggest getting off Tinder and moving to regular email fairly quickly. Not everybody keeps that alert notification on. Not only that but the use of the app limits conversation. There’s only so much you can say when you’re typing on your phone.

Personally, I get the feeling that Tinder is starting to lose its luster for a lot of people. That charge you get every time you get a match eventually dulls. And the flakiness of people on Tinder compared to that of a regular dating site is unparallelled.

Admittedly, I don’t email most of the people I match with. If I liked them first, and then get a match alert later, then I’ll contact them. But if they liked me first, I wait for them to contact me. If they don’t, I don’t bother. After a few months your profile stops serving up matches completely and you’re forced to delete your profile and reactivate it. Most annoying is the amount of old photos people post. If someone’s photo is blurry, it’s because it’s old. The picture of someone in the front seat of their car has replaced the bathroom selfie. Stop with that, too.That primary photo HAS to be one of you and only you and it must be clear and recent. Your primary photo should not involve or include the following:

  • A selfie shot of you in the bathroom or car
  • A picture of you with a child
  • A picture of you wearing a hat or sunglasses or puffy jacket or anything that obstructs you
  • A meme or quote or cartoon
  • A picture of you with friends. Don’t make me try to figure out which one you are, because I won’t.

When you’re sitting there swiping left and swiping left and clicking that “X” you do it almost automatically after a brief time.  That’s why that primary photo needs to make someone stop for a moment and look. Don’t try to be cute or artistic or mysterious.

When you first create a profile, take the time to write the bio. Things people should include in their bio/profile in order to avoid awkward conversations.

  • Your height
  • A full body shot
  • Your preferred location settings i.e. “5 mile radius of Manhattan”
  • At least 3 photos – Face, body shot, social shot
  • Your career/job
  • Whether or not you have kids or are divorced/separated
  • What city/borough/state you live in specifically. If you travel to another state and want to use Tinder, make sure to update your profile to say where you live and that you’re in that state for a brief amount of time. If you live in a suburb but work in a major city, be upfront that you live in that suburb or borough.
  • If you prefer to meet locals only, then tack that on to the end of your profile. Don’t be snarky about it. “Locals only” or “Tourists please swipe left” will suffice.

It’s tempting to select a location setting of 2 or 3 miles, but remember something. A lot of people who show up won’t actually live that close to you. I believe Tinder uses GPS tracking, not the zip code you list on your Facebook page. I’m curious as to whether or not you have to activate your GPS locator on your phone in order to come up in searches. I assume you would need to do that so the app can find you. I am not sure that’s the case, though.

If you match with someone, email them soon after you get that alert. If you thought online dating moved fast, then you’ll be blown away by the brief window of availability you have with Tinder. Take the shopping cart mentality of online dating and double it. People want to see how many matches they’ll get, so they just continue to swipe right even if there’s just the tiniest bit of interest.

With online dating, you can trade 3 or 4 messages each and then set up a date. With Tinder it seems people need twice that amount. I still think Tinder is a great way to meet people, but it  involves a lot more patience and time.


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22 Responses to “Tips For Tinder Success #atwys”

  1. Chester Says:

    This is a question about firming and confirming plans. The OP does not give us the text messages so it is hard to give any advice. She says she suggested a fun date for the weekend which is really vague but later we learn she suggested Friday so we are left not knowing how specific plans were made. We don’t know if a time or place has been confirmed so is this an issue of plans not made or plans not confirmed.

    I have asked women out early in the week and set a date,time and place for the weekend and when I called on the weekend, she said she made other plans because he hadn’t heard from me. My thoughts at this point are I am a man that follows through with his word, does she assume all guys are not going to follow through. How can women just assume a guy is not reliable? Is this how most guys act? How much confirming and reconfirming does a woman need for her to have faith in my word?

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **The OP does not give us the text messages so it is hard to give any advice. She says she suggested a fun date for the weekend which is really vague but later we learn she suggested Friday so we are left not knowing how specific plans were made.**

      I assumed that she did suggest a specific thing to do. You’re right that she didn’t say what that was, but I thought it was omitted for brevity/anonymity. She does say he texted back that it sounded fun. I assumed there was more to it than, “Want to go on a fun date?” “Yes, a fun date sounds fun.”

      The OP’s question is if she’s being paranoid, if his behavior is a red flag or she’s reading too much into it. I agree that someone responding sporadically usually means they’re not that interested. However, “sporadic” is pretty subjective. One person’s sporadic is another person’s “just right” or another person’s “smothering.” I agree with Moxie that, hey, he’s following up; all signs point to an upstanding guy so far.

      Sometimes people don’t communicates the same way you do, but that doesn’t necessarily mean they have ill intent or aren’t interested or whatever. Last night I waited around for a date for over an hour. I was like, “He does have a very long drive and probably underestimated the traffic…but still, some communication would be nice…” I decided to give him ’til 8:15 and at 8:06 I got a text that he was in a car accident and was in the ER (he’s more or less fine; car, not so much). So…moral of the story is, I was glad I bit my tongue and gave him the benefit of the doubt.

      • mindstar Says:

        Hey at least you gave him the benefit of the doubt.

        I have an acquaintance who is on her cell phone if her date is more than 5 minutes late without a call to her. “Lateness without a call is an unpardonable insult to me.” Her words.

        She doesn’t go on many second dates.

        • fuzzilla Says:

          Ha ha, I kind of feel that way, too, but it’s a trait I’m not so crazy about and try to work on. Even on my worst days I’d give someone more than 5 minutes.

        • C Says:

          That’s pretty dramatic but ya know…being late sends a pretty lousy message. You don’t show up 20 minutes late for a job interview you really want to nail or a reservation at the best restaurant in town. You show up late for people and events you don’t really care about. And when you don’t bother to call to let me know you are going to be late, not only are you telling me that whatever preceded our date is far more important then our date, and that my time is less valuable then yours, but that I’m not even worth the effort of a courtesy call.

          If you are just the type of guy who is later for everything…that’s even worse. Next!

          • fuzzilla Says:

            Agreed. Chronic lateness is just disrespectful of the other person’s time. This guy obviously did have a good excuse, and he did have a pretty long drive to Bumblefuck Nowhere to come see me. I was just proud I didn’t lose my shit.

        • Jesse Says:

          I get this “late = disrespect” crap from divorced women without jobs. They’ve forgotten about things like not always being able to leave work at a precise time, issues with traffic, etc. They have too much time on their hands — after prepping for and spending time anticipating the date, the amount of disappointment they register upon reading a text that you’re running 20 minutes late can ruin their night. Of course, when it happens the other way round, …..

          Now I just tell people I don’t arrive anywhere before 8 pm.

    • Nicole Says:


      There are a lot of flaky men. It’s not all guys, it’s not most guys, but there are still plenty of flakes. If you’re meeting women online or at bars or meet-ups… then yes, sadly, they have come to expect that if guy asks them on Tuesday for a weekend date and doesn’t follow up, he’s totally forgotten about it.

      Whenever I was the girl in that situation, I would text or email the day before we were supposed to meet, “still up for drinks? Looking forward to meeting you!” or something. Very few were still planning on being at the already agreed upon place and time. Most threw out some excuse and then suggested some other day to meet.

      On the other hand, there were lots of guys who made plans for a few days out and then kept in touch daily in between. Not deep conversations or long talks, just check-ins, “hey, hope you’re having a good Monday!” It was clear they were still interested, and it was easy to confirm plans without worrying I was reaching out to some guy who didn’t even remember asking me for a date.

      The daily contact with women you don’t really know may not be your style, but a lot of women have come to expect it. And they assume guys who don’t bother have moved on and lost interest. Yes, it’s unfair that the behavior of unreliable dudes has created a situation where all guys now have to work harder, but I think that’s what has happened.

      • Chester Says:

        Nicole, thanks for your answer and insight. Yes, that is unfortunate. I was really devastated once or twice when it happened. I was thinking about this girl everyday and telling friends about this amazing girl I’m taking out on Saturday and then boom! she made other plans. And I was having a conversation with my good friend and he experienced the same thing. Sometimes I still feel like I need the manual on dating.

        • bbdawg Says:

          Chester, I’d say scheduling for a specific day isn’t productive you’re better off stating where you want to meet and what time, so it’s on the calendar rather than vaguely give a time. I assume most women will be waiting for the man to come up with something concrete rather than have to contact him.

          I’d say next time, if a woman agrees to, say. “saturday”, write back really soon, like within an hour, with an actual suggested location and time. This way the woman isn’t left wondering. And connect back the day before to confirm. At this point i think most women have learnt from experience not to leave her weekend open to some guy who made vague plans a few days ago. Since that usually does not pan out.

          Sometimes it’s other plans for the weekend, not just dates. Most people have lots of activities going on a weekend, they have to fit everything in, and you can’t wait until last minute to do that.

      • mindstar Says:

        I can see a follow up confirmation the day before but DAILY contact? I figure most women would consider that stalker like.

        • Nicole Says:

          I think it depends on the girl. And what she’s looking for.

          I was looking for an exclusive long term relationship, so on some level I was probably screening for guys who seemed invested and made themselves very available. Things didn’t feel stalker like unless the guy got upset if I didn’t answer a text immediately or something.

          But I can see that it might unnerve some women. And yeah, contacting a woman every day if you’re not getting much communication back would be a bad call. One thing I liked, was when a guy would check in for a couple of days in a row, then wait to see if I initiated something the next day. If I was into him, I did.

          Also depends on what you’re looking for. Follow my advice and you might end up dating someone like me, who asks her boyfriend “what are you thinking???” anytime he’s quiet for ten minutes ;)

        • fuzzilla Says:

          Well, clearly everyone’s preferences are different, but yeah, Nicole’s comment about the daily contact makes sense to me. Momentum and fear of losing it is another reason it’s best to meet soon, but if that’s not possible it makes sense to check in and make sure they’re still interested and haven’t forgotten you. To not seem stalker-y or demanding, keep it short, light and fun, like sharing a YouTube video or funny story about your day or whatnot.

    • Sarah Says:

      Yes, that’s exactly how most men act unfortunately.

  2. NASHWC Says:

    In social scenarios, I often see what appears to be women swiping left/right while alternating thru expressions of smirking, frowning or smiling. Heads up, ladies: This is an **instant dis-qualifier** for any solid Man looking for a LTR .. but then again, that’s not really what these women are looking for. So, no loss, right? :)

    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      While in conversation? Facial expressions are not instant dis-qualifiers. So you think the majority of guys wouldn’t approach a woman with a stone cold look on her face? No solid man is placing so much emphasis on a facial expression. Smirking and smiling: one guy’s dis-qualifier is another man’s flirting.

      • fuzzilla Says:

        Yeah, really. Facial expressions? What a weird comment. If their overall demeanor is uninterested, then maybe ask yourself what you’re doing to make her feel bored or annoyed or lose interest. Maybe she really is nuts, maybe you’re doing nothing wrong and you’re just wildly incompatible w/r/t political views, lifestyle, etc. If you’re seeing it enough to make up this whole “disqualifier” narrative, well…who’s the common denominator in these situations (hint: you)?

        • fuzzilla Says:

          Like everyone here, I’ve had plenty of online dates that went nowhere, but I’ve generally at least had a pleasant time. I’ve never once noticed some weird shit about facial expressions (must be ‘cuz I don’t date women – bitches be crazy, amirite?).

  3. Dark Sarcasm Says:

    I’ll add one: leave the nature and pet pics for your friends on Facebook. People on Tinder ain’t got time for that.

  4. ginger Says:

    Maybe he didn’t write OP again because OP didn’t write him. Women, if you want a guy to write to you, reply. Most messages that guys send do not get replies. That’s how it works. Nobody wants to be accused of blowing someone’s phone up. Nobody wants to look desperate. Sending multiple messages that just get ignored is disheartening. Sure, you’ve arranged a date. That doesn’t mean he’s going to text you “good morning” every day. That would be clingy. I mean “creepy”. Have to use the proper gender descriptors.

    This is why I hate the “let’s reply to men and play crazy” sites that are all the rage these days. For every ten messages I send out, I get one reply. For every five replies, I get a second message. For every five second messages, I get a phone number. For every three phone numbers, I get an actual in-person date. Yes, the odds really are that bad. Why would I send messages when I’m not getting them from a person? There are 749 other women who also dropped off the face of the earth (ok, 747, because 2 will actually take the time to tell you they’re not interested. The rest just ignore you in hopes that you will go away) that they could do the same thing with.

    It’s gotten to the point where I don’t even save phone numbers until after the first date. My contacts list was becoming unmanageable.

  5. fuzzilla Says:

    Has anyone noticed an increase in OKCupid profiles that are minimal to the point where it felt like they hardly bothered? Like, just a picture and basic stats and maybe, “Hi” as their whole summary. I feel like I’ve seen this kind of thing a lot more lately; wondering if it’s a spillover effect of Tinder’s popularity.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Yes and yes. OKC has a function similar to Tinder that allows people to swipe left or right. I agree with you that dating sites are taking cues from Tinder, as are users.

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