Do Men Need To Be Attracted To A Woman To Have Sex With Her? #atwys

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Alycurves2

Comment: You’ve said in the past that men sometimes will have sex with women they are not attracted to. How do you know if they’re attracted to you or just pretending to be to have sex?  I know people will ask, I guess you could say I’m curvy (5’6″ 16oish.) I have recent full body pictures on my profile and don’t have much trouble getting dates and have never had a guy tell me I didn’t look like my pictures or cut a date short.

I met a guy on okcupid two weeks ago and we went out this past Saturday for the first time. We came back to my place and we had sex. The second time we did it that night I never got a chance to take off the long t-shirt I had put on. He never asked me to take it off. While we were having doggie style sex the second time, my t-shirt rode up up and I felt him stop what he was doing and pull it back down to cover my butt. While we were fooling around earlier that same night he kept telling me I was sexy and how much he loved my breasts and said I was hot. Do men sometimes say things like that just to get the woman in the mood?
Age: 34
City: New York
State: NY

 

The short answer is that you won’t know until after they have sex with you. If they suddenly fade, then chances are they weren’t all that attracted to you. But even that isn’t an accurate barometer. A person with few options will take what they can get at the time, and a smart person with few options will know how to play the game. So my answer is, you just don’t know until much later, and sometimes you never know. What we do know is what type of person we typically pull. If this guy was outside of that, then that’s another possible sign he wasn’t as attracted to you as you were to him. Harsh? Yeah. But that’s reality. I’d place a large bet that a large portion of fades and ghostings that women experience occur because the guy wasn’t all that attracted to her and just went through the motions to get laid or the sex wasn’t that great. Pick any dating blog and read about all the dramz that occurs after first/second date sex and I will almost guarantee you that the reason the guy didn’t stick around was because he was never going to in the first place and that he was hot and charming and charismatic and all that alpha male goodness. Sometimes if a person (man or woman) is in between options, they temporarily punch below their weight class. It happens.

Nobody is going to come out and tell you that you don’t look like your photos unless you ask, and even then you probably won’t get the truth. Those people who do answer that question honestly have horrible social skills and manners.

It sounds like maybe you’re a little insecure about your body and that you’re reading stuff into his actions that might not be there. Sometimes sex just heats up and you don’t take all your clothes off. I’ve had a guy tell me that he likes having sex with women partially clothed because there’s something dirty about it. So maybe that’s this guy’s thing. Maybe he likes that. Who knows? I want to say that I don’t think someone would tell a person they were hot, sexy, etc unless they really meant it. I could be being naive though. People can and do say things to get what they want and to grease the wheels. It’s just that there’s something about telling a person, a woman especially, that they’re sexy and hot when you don’t mean it that seems incredibly cruel.

Thoughts?

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44 Responses to “Do Men Need To Be Attracted To A Woman To Have Sex With Her? #atwys”

  1. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I think the question of “Does he really find me attractive, or did he just want sex?” is setting up a false dichotomy. He probably did find her attractive. But that has nothing to do with anything. I’m pretty sure that I’m objectively attractive on a basic level, but all that means is that men would have sex with me. It doesn’t mean I’m their favored kind of attractive or that the other necessary factors are there to make every single interaction with a man turn into a relationship. Lots of attractive people are single. Yeah, they might have an easier time getting dates initially, but there’s a reason why the trope of the “hot crazy ex” exists. The focus on looks is misleading.

    • D. Says:

      This.

      There are different levels of “attraction,” even in a physical sense. For some guys, the bar for “would have sex with if she’s offering” is relatively low when it comes to physical attraction, at least in comparison to “find myself really drawn to and think she’s stunning.” That, however, is not to say that the guy isn’t attracted to her if he just wants to have sex. It’s just that what qualifies as “attractive enough” for sex may not be what the guy normally chases after, wants in a girlfriend, or has in his mind as “ideal.”

      As for whether a man would say a woman is sexy when he doesn’t think so just to have sex with the woman…I don’t think that really makes a ton of sense as a scenario. I wouldn’t have sex with someone to whom I wasn’t sexually attracted on some level, so, I wouldn’t be lying about it if I said I thought she was sexy. If I didn’t think so, I wouldn’t say anything at all…and wouldn’t be having sex with her either.

  2. Wolfy Says:

    I’m just curious, how does one go from meeting a person for the first time to having sex? I’m about the same age as the OP and have online dated for awhile, but I’ve never went past a hug with a person I just met.

    Unless alcohol or a transactional relationship was discussed, I don’t see how this would be done without a very long first meeting/date. I don’t do just coffee dates, but prefer them. And before someone mentions them being lame, all my LTR were born from coffee dates. Not to say that it couldn’t happen either way, or I haven’t met a guy for drinks, lunch, or dinner either.

    Back to the OPs question. Let me preface that I mean no disrespect or offense, but you asked. I hate to say but he probably covered you up due to not wanting to look at your backside. I by no means have a perfect body, but I own it, and the guys I date accept me because of that and because they know me as a person prior to being involved with me sexually.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I hate to say but he probably covered you up due to not wanting to look at your backside.

      You’re thinking like how many women think. Especially women who clutch imaginary pearls and express shock that people have sex on a first date.

      And before someone mentions them being lame, all my LTR were born from coffee dates.

      To be fair, you end your first dates with a hug, so…

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      There are cultures where a woman showing her face to a strange man is an executable offense. So, unless you are mentally incapacitated in some way, I’m sure you can imagine in our culture a situation where two people would kiss and OMG have sex after a few hours on a first date. It’s not that exotic.

      That said, when you die, I’m sure you’ll win the award for least men kissed/slept with. Congratulations. We are all impressed.

    • AnnieNonymous Says:

      Imagine being out with a guy at a bar on a weekend night. Not coffee at 7 pm. An energetic environment that encourages mild intoxication. You’re having a good time and you don’t want the night to end, so you go to one of your places to keep hanging out. While both people are interested in having sex with each other (you’re on a date after all), it’s not really on the agenda. It happens anyway though.

    • C Says:

      I’ve never had sex on a first date but while in college I once fooled around with a college friend I was *gasp* NOT even on a date with. Having sex on a first date is a whole lot like having sex on the 3rd date or 10th date or 100th date. Remember how you ended up having sex with your last boyfriend? Same thing only on the first date. Flirting that leads to kissing that leads to a change of venue and voala! Sex.

      I agree with DMN. If theres a chastity prize, I’m pretty sure no one responding to this blog would win it.

      I disagree with your assessment of why the guy covered the OPs butt. I totally agree with Moxie, no one other then the guy himself knows why he did it. Whether he wants a relationship or not is anybody’s guess, but if he keeps coming back for more sex with the OP she must be sexy enough to him to get him hard and provide an enjoyable sexual experience for him.

      On a separate note, why is the OP wearing an oversized t-shirt on a date? Girl, get some nice fitting and flattering cute shirts. Dont go on dates dressed like you just finished cleaning the kitchen floor.

      • AC Says:

        I’m going to guess that she put on the long t-shirt after they went back to her place and before they got into bed. I doubt she wore it on the date.

    • bbdawg Says:

      well, well , you’re 34 and “don’t know how to get from A to B”? Seriously. I sounds like you might not be into sex so that might be the issue.

    • Jesse Says:

      Women — please stop trying to understand a man’s sexuality. It’s completely different from yours. I’m wasn’t the OP’s date, but I can understand pulling down the t-shirt. It may be the same sort of thing as how a short skirt or a plunging neckline on a women might look very sexy. Pulling the t shirt down helps “frame” what the man is seeing, alluring him to see more. So his intention may not have been that he wanted to cover her ass to keep from having to see it, but rather to cover it, to him, in a most pleasingly sexy way, just exposing the curve of her backside while entering from the rear.

  3. Wolfy Says:

    To be fair, you end your first dates with a hug, so…

    Fair enough, but I don’t think of meeting someone for the very first time as an actual “date”. A little weird to end coffee and conversation with a kiss. No one has ever tried to kiss me after a coffee date, after one drink yes. I’ve only once wanted to kiss someone after a first meet, which was actually coffee and convo, but didn’t. I’m dating that guy now.

    Although one would argue that blind dates are fairly similar, in that the couple had no prior face to face interactions prior to the date. I’ve never been fixed up on a blind date, so I couldn’t say how I would act on one of those either.

    Maybe I’m just a prude, but I rarely kiss on the actual first date either. I did get the fade with two of those guys I hugged instead of kiss on the first date, but I count myself lucky with one, and the other no real chemistry. The third guy, who ended up being LTR, I couldn’t kiss because I just ate shell fish and told him so later. He had the gall to tell me he doesn’t kiss on the first date anyways, but I doubt that is really true, now that I know him.

    • John Says:

      “A little weird to end coffee and conversation with a kiss. No one has ever tried to kiss me after a coffee date, after one drink yes”

      Could it be that if the guy didn’t kiss you after the coffee date that he wasn’t into you and its just coincidence that you were at a coffee shop? Because I have had plenty of coffee dates that lasted for hours and it ended with a kiss on the lips. Not a makeout session, but a kiss on the lips. And if I like the girl and she likes me and it ends with a kiss on the lips, it has always led to much more on the second date.

      I think many guys are quite OK with just a quick kiss on the lips after 1 date. Not all first dates have to end up with sex in order to get excited for date #2.

    • D. Says:

      Maybe I’m just a prude, but I rarely kiss on the actual first date either. I did get the fade with two of those guys I hugged instead of kiss on the first date, but I count myself lucky with one, and the other no real chemistry. The third guy, who ended up being LTR, I couldn’t kiss because I just ate shell fish and told him so later. He had the gall to tell me he doesn’t kiss on the first date anyways, but I doubt that is really true, now that I know him.

      First, as to being a prude…yeah, it’s a little prudish, but just do what you’re comfortable with, and don’t get judgmental about what other people are comfortable with. Some folks only want a hug on the first date. Some folks are fine with sex on a first date. And for some folks that can vary date to date. I will, however, say that when I’ve gotten a hug at the end of a date that I otherwise thought went well, my read is that the woman probably wasn’t as into me as I thought. It’s only been in rare cases where I’ve pursued it past that, and then only when there was really good chemistry otherwise, and I assumed that the woman simply had some rule about “no kissing on date 1.”

      Second, guys don’t “fade” on you after 1 date where nothing physical happens. That’s a misapplication of the term. They just don’t call you back. A “fade” implies that they showed significant interest to begin with which subsequently dissipated, especially after you already showed interest yourself. On a coffee date where the guy goes for a kiss and you give him the hug+cheek? Yeah, not a fade. That’s a guy who figured “Oh. Oook…guess she’s not into me” and never called you again because he didn’t want to waste his time.

      Lastly, the guy saying he didn’t kiss on first dates either was probably either making light of the situation, or just engaging in a little “sour grapes” banter, but in neither case would that be what could realistically be called “gall.” All that makes it sound like you’re saying is “The nerve of him! Claiming he didn’t want to kiss me when I told him I didn’t want to kiss him!”

      • Nicole Says:

        “when I’ve gotten a hug at the end of a date that I otherwise thought went well, my read is that the woman probably wasn’t as into me as I thought”

        Yes, as a woman I had the exact same thought when guys didn’t go for a kiss.

        I once had a guy end what I thought was a great first date with a handshake. Ouch. I was beyond shocked when he texted me a couple hours later to ask me out again. Even though I had a good time on our date, I turned down the second one because of the handshake. I couldn’t figure out why he would act that way, if he was interested, and in my head the only explanation I came up with was that he was married and afraid of being seen kissing me in public.

        Obvious example of how women can totally over analyze anything, lol. But also of how mixed signals can derail something in a heartbeat. In the end, if someone’s actions are so different from your expectations that you have to spend hours trying to figure them out, probably best to assume you’re not a good fit and move on.

        • Yvonne Says:

          Maybe the guy shook your hand because he was trying to be polite, or didn’t have much dating experience, or was shy? If he wasn’t into you, I don’t think he would have asked for another date.

          • Nicole Says:

            I’m sure you’re right about his reasons… Or at least closer than I was with my “must be married” guess!

            But, it was an awkward enough moment (for me) that I didn’t feel like seeing him again. Just not worth the mental energy of trying to figure it out and get back to being excited about him.

            With most guys, current bf included, I felt like we were on the same page in terms of how we wanted the date to end. Handshake Guy was cute and nice and I’m sure he met some girl whose reaction to an end-of-date handshake was “such a gentleman! so sweet!” … And she’s probably a better match for him long term.

        • AC Says:

          Beginning a date with a handshake is awkward
          let alone ending it that way. I’m a guy and I’d have thought
          the same thing if I were I your shoes. The same goes
          for when a woman says, “It was nice to meet you,” which is
          code for “you seem nice but I’m just not feeling it.”

          I doubt that guy was married. Most likely just
          playing it a little too safe.

  4. LostSailor Says:

    Do men sometimes say things like that just to get the woman in the mood?

    Yes. Next question?

    The salient point:

    [W]e went out this past Saturday for the first time. We came back to my place and we had sex. The second time we did it that night I never got a chance to take off the long t-shirt I had put on.

    You had sex on a first date and while (according to my reading) he saw you naked and didn’t want to again.

    Moxie’s right, no one is going to tell you you don’t look like your photos unless the difference is so stark as to be offensive (or unless they have tragic social skills) and if on the date it seems like sex is in the offing, many guys will just go with it whether there is “attraction” or not.

    Aly may have “body issues” but that’s not clear. The guy she wrote about clearly had body issues, with the whole cover-up during the TMI description of sex. It’s not just “this guy’s thing.” Wearing certain lingerie is a “thing.” Pulling a long T-shirt down to cover her ass in the act isn’t.

    I’d want to ask Aly if this is a regular occurrence, and if so, I’d say don’t bring guys home after only one date unless the only purpose is to get off.

    But, to address this:

    I want to say that I don’t think someone would tell a person they were hot, sexy, etc unless they really meant it. I could be being naive though.

    Yes, that’s a bit naive. And I don’t think it’s especially ‘cruel.” It’s just human nature.

    Aly needs, I think, just to be a little more discerning, and a little less credulous about flattering flattery…

  5. Wolfy Says:

    You’re thinking like how many women think. Especially women who clutch imaginary pearls and express shock that people have sex on a first date.

    No, that’s not me at all and I’m not trying to judge. I really was asking how does one go from point A to point B. Not everyone is either left or right minded about sex and the way woman/society should be like. I don’t think in those terms nor am I saying there is anything wrong with a woman wanting to have sex or feel desired by another person outside of, heaven forbid, marriage.

    It just seems that most these women don’t have sex for the sheer enjoyment of the act or having the opposite side of her bed warmed for a bit. Due to the confusion and all the questions, it seems to me that that a majority think that sex is a gateway to emotional intimacy and maybe even a relationship/love.

    • C Says:

      If you start hearing more marriage stories, you will be surprised how many of them started with first date sex. Most 1st date sex doesnt lead to marriage, but most 3rd or 5th or 10th date sex doesnt lead to marriage either. If I had a daughter, I wouldnt tell her to have lots of first date sex, but when two people really hit it off and are really right for each other, the timing of the sex is only relevant in terms of mutual values. Its when 2 people arent very compatible or interested in each other that waiting for sex may be a good idea.

  6. Wolfy Says:

    Sorry error. Meant for another topic. Thx

  7. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “It’s just that there’s something about telling a person, a woman especially, that they’re sexy and hot when you don’t mean it that seems incredibly cruel.”

    I don’t think it’s incredibly or especially cruel or unusual, to pay someone compliments. It’s only cruel if you pull out the rug and reveal you were lying. See “In the Company of Men” which is a great but disturbing movie and should be required viewing, I think, for all women entering adulthood. I almost always tell women I date (ironically learned on this blog) that “we have amazing chemistry” even though I don’t believe in chemistry for one second. But, that’s language that women eat up for some reason. When in Rome….why not make her feel good?

    As for the OP, I don’t understand him covering her ass with a t-shirt. At al. (I also literally do not understand the anatomy of it.) Personally, I really like a naked girl in a t-shirt, and could do without lingerie. But, part of the fun of that is the feel of it and that the t-shirt kind of rides up. I wouldn’t be pulling it back down to cover things up. Even if I wasn’t really, really attracted to a woman, I’d still want to see all of her naked. But, I’m a guy so what do I know.

  8. Wolfy Says:

    I almost always tell women I date (ironically learned on this blog) that “we have amazing chemistry” even though I don’t believe in chemistry for one second. But, that’s language that women eat up for some reason. When in Rome….why not make her feel good?

    When I think of chemistry, I think of being able to connect with a person on a couple of different levels (attraction, personality, sense of humor..), more so than with most people.

    So do you just not believe that you can connect more with one particular person than another, or that this feeling is a female contrived notion that lonely or romantic women refer to when they get that special feeling about one particular person?

    • AnnieNonymous Says:

      At this point you’re like someone’s mom, talking about hugging on dates, not knowing how to post internet comments.

    • C Says:

      You’re missing his point. He is saying that women like hearing “we have great chemistry” and he is willing to feed them lines to make them think they have rapport and warm them up to him. Rest assured that he knows what he likes and wants regardless of what he calls it.

      You sound really young. What grade are you in?

  9. Tinker Says:

    I wonder if the t-shirt thing was misinterpreted. Maybe he was gathering it and grabbing it to have more leverage, not trying to cover her up. Either way, Moxie’s advice stands.

    • Nicole Says:

      I wondered about that, too. Maybe he was trying to keep it from falling over her head or something? I can’t imagine that in the middle of sex, he really cared enough about what her butt looked like to need to cover it up. And if it was bothering him, why not just close his eyes?

    • Lisa Says:

      Yeah, I was picturing being pulled on like reins.

  10. Howard Says:

    I really wished we knew our minds that exactly, like we really know for sure that we don’t really like a girl, but we will still have sex. It’s a human thing, this not knowing our minds. Women do it too. Of course they are trying to fix that not knowing their minds, by testing him. Men unfortunately like to wait till after sex and a whole lot of time to decide if they know their minds. Maybe it might be better if we tested in the early stages like women.

    Men have been well adapted to pressing hard, whether they like a girl ten units or six units upon meeting her. So it’s going to be hard to tell from their efforts how much they really like you. And then of course, things can, and do change. I have met girls I initially liked maybe a seven on a scale one to ten. After four dates that changed to a nine. There were girls I liked a nine initially, and after two dates that changed to a six.

    In those cases where how much I liked them decreased, it didn’t necessarily stop me from having sex. I suppose the rationalization was, “let’s see how I feel after the sex.” As I got older, I would just walk away, if I found the attraction decreasing.

    Regarding this sex thing, of course all men want to have sex with any woman they go on a date with. And whether the attraction is increasing or decreasing, most men will have sex with any woman, with whom they go on a date.

    One thing women should note, is that men don’t go planning the white picket fence in their heads, even upon meeting the finest of women. A man may promise the world, and swear absolute fascination, but no matter what he says, that white picket fence thinking is way down the road for us, if ever.

    We are always attracted to you if we go on a date. You may ask, attracted for marrying or just having sex, but that is a moot question, because we don’t think about marrying upon meeting a woman. We primarily think about having sex with her.

    • Liza Says:

      OK. I think sometimes men are into the ego notch thing – and feel compelled to sleep with a woman, whether they are really into her or not. I also think they could back off after having sex with someone for any number of reasons, not necessarily because they weren’t that attracted to the woman. Maybe the sex wasn’t that good, for example, maybe it was awkward. Maybe they are involved with someone else and that person has greater pull for them. Whatever. There’s no one way of knowing. As for “sensing” that someone isn’t that attracted to you, sometimes having sex too soon means they didn’t get to know you and the attraction didn’t get to deepen and maybe the intimacy was too soon and hence, they back off. I think a lot depends on what happens after the sex, not just during the sex.

  11. Amanda_2U Says:

    Okay so learn something new everyday. My man says he would have absolutely said you are hot, sexy, etc just to get a piece. He says that men just have slumps and sometimes will take whatever to get through it. I think this stuff isn’t much different than what women do when they agree to go on a date for the sake of going out and sex occurs and they leave the guy with a little kiss and never call again. It isn’t just men who utilize this idea of Miss Right Now is fine if Miss Right isn’t readily available. All human beings need a certain amount of attention some more times than others but still we need to get fed and if you are really hungry you will eat the veggies! The only way to know is if he returns for seconds etc.. Moxie is right on target as usual.

  12. Craig Says:

    Do men have sex with women they’re not attracted to? Sure, all the time. Statistically speaking, most women we get involved with won’t be the ones we want a long term thing with. But sometimes you just gotta get the poison out. And well, us guys have a saying: “Any port will do in a storm”.

    Does that mean that’s what happened to the OP? Not necessarily. I can’t really interpret the T-shirt pulling thing, because I personally prefer women to be totally nude during lovemaking. But some dudes do like some clothes on like Moxie correctly advised. So I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions on that. The only way to gauge a guy’s attraction is whether he keeps coming back for more. So I say chill and let it play out. At least she got the poison out too, so it’s not a total loss if he pulls the fade. The dude’s actions will demonstrate his intent. The OP will have her answer soon enough.

  13. Kurt Says:

    It seems obvious to me that a man would have to be attracted to a woman on some level in order to even want to have sex with her. If he isn’t, he might as well just go masturbate.

    • Lisa Says:

      It’s more exciting an more of an ego stroke to do it with/to someone else. And it’s just generally better.

      • D. Says:

        With someone reasonably attractive? Sure. That’s all true. With someone to whom you’re not attracted physically? Nope.

        Contrary to popular myth, guys aren’t all just walking hard-ons looking to get laid by anything with a pulse. There has to be some baseline level of attraction.

        • Lisa Says:

          There are ppl out there who aren’t very good looking but who do have some sex appeal. Maybe you can tell he’s really well-endowed or he has a sexy smile or someone told you he’s great in bed or maybe he’s a charity case or you like de-flowering younger guys/virgins. Maybe he’s freakishly tall or he was the shoulder you were leaning on right after a bad break up or he’s a revenge screw or your massage therapist and always gets you aroused…could be anything.

          • C Says:

            I think you just agreed with D. Reasonably attractive doesn’t necessarily mean good looks, but most men aren’t going to bang a woman they are repulsed by (i.e. their grandma’s best friend) no matter how horny they become.

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