Should You Ever Tell Someone The Real Reason You Won’t Date Them? #atwys

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): JWBye-Felicia!-Long-Sleeve-Shirts
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Comment: What’s the etiquette when you meet someone for the first time via an online dating website, and you can clearly see he or she is much heavier than the pictures he or she posted online?  I’m not talking a few vanity pounds, I mean about 20 or more pounds heavier.

Like most people, I have had this experience several times, and by now I’m wondering how acceptable or rude it will be to just say, right off the bat, “Sorry, but you’re not what I was expecting, I do not think you look like your pictures,” and walk away.

I know it’s a harsh thing to say to someone in person, but I feel like the other person was in the wrong to begin with by using very old pictures to misrepresent him or herself.
Age: 35
City: Los Angeles
State: CA

 

I think the appropriate protocol is to suck it up for 30-40 minutes and then make a polite excuse to leave. These people aren’t maliciously trying to ruin your day or waste your time. They’re doing what everybody else is doing and just trying to get a date. Poor you. You had to endure the company of a fattie. How devoid of actual problems does your life have to be to get worked up over something so innocuous? I have said this before. If someone shows up to a date looking that drastically different, then either their photos were old, they only posted one or maybe two photos, or they posted photos where they were clearly obstructing themselves in some way. And I would bet that 75% of the time, people knew something was off but went to meet them anyway because they appeared to be really attractive.

If they follow up with you and want to see you again, you once more offer a polite lie about why that won’t be happening. Tell them that the chemistry isn’t there or that you’ve been seeing someone else and want to see where that is going. Tell them anything but, “Hey, you’re fat.” If they push you for a deeper reason why you don’t want to see them again, then by all means tell them the truth. Just understand that you’re not telling them to help them. You’re telling them so that they’ll go away or to hurt them because you feel so put out. So, if you want to be that person, you go right ahead.

On the subject of honesty and whether or not you should tell someone why you don’t want to see them again, I present this xoJane article from last week. The premise of the article was that the author decided to go back to men she briefly dated to find out why they didn’t think she was girlfriend material.

Now, we’ve seen this done before, and rarely is there ever anything revealed that is all that insightful.

This time around, there was helpful information given to her that OF COURSE she rejects. Namely, that her dogs are unruly. Those comments are dismissed because, as many members of the commentariat claimed,  if someone doesn’t like a dog humping their leg mid-coitus then they must be a bad person. That not one but two of the men commented on her dog’s poor behavior and the state of her apartment should have been enough for her to go, “Hmm. Maybe that’s a problem.” I mean, that was the point of this exercise in vanity, wasn’t it? To find out the “real” reason things didn’t work out?

The other bit of great insight came from the last guy she includes in her list.

I think this here article is actually great example of your confessional streak and eagerness to air your perceived faults and troubles.

He’s telling her that, simply by writing this article, she’s doing the very thing that ultimately turned him off. But she does it anyway, thereby negating the whole point of gathering feedback and proving this is nothing more than an opportunity to wank on the internet. Few people will be upfront about their real reasons for Fading. Most will offer excuses that sound like they could be true, and very well might be, but they are not THE reason. If someone you don’t know well does tell you THE reason, you can pretty much assume that they never cared much about your feelings from the start. Especially if they reveal that they were just in it to get laid. You shouldn’t applaud their honesty, because with their honesty they are insulting you.

Nobody wants to hear that you think they don’t look like their photos, JW. They want to hear that you were intimidated by how far along in their career they are, or that you felt they were more intelligent than you. If they’re someone who likes to wear their victimhood on their sleeves as so many xoJane writers do, then they want you to be brutally honest so they can pander for validation from friends or strangers on the internet.

The only time you should be honest in a situation like this is if you truly believe the person to whom you’re delivering your truth can look at things objectively and implement your constructive criticisms should they deem them necessary. Unfortunately, those people make up a tiny percent of the population.

That’s why there’s no point in being honest. Most people will disregard the criticisms and only here the compliments you use to soften the blow.

 

 

 

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40 Responses to “Should You Ever Tell Someone The Real Reason You Won’t Date Them? #atwys”

  1. Lucy Says:

    Hey I really liked reading your post – it’s well thought out. I agree. I think it’s selfish to be bluntly honest with people. I’ve had guys tell me point blank in the past that to them I’m good enough for a shag and nothing more. You’re right. That kind of honesty should not be applauded. I would only tell someone an exact reason for rejection if they outright asked me. Personally I don’t care why someone rejects me if it’s something I can’t change like the size of my boobs or similar. But again I’ve had guys say ‘I don’t fancy you because I prefer girls with bigger boobs’. I try and show the same courtesy to others.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1

    • Lucy Says:

      I mean the same courtesy in not being bluntly honest and hurting someone’s feelings.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  2. wishing u well Says:

    I had pretty much the same scenario happen to me a couple of weeks ago with a meet and greet. Yes, I agree it can be shocking when a person looks NOTHING like his or her online photos…as in at least a good 40 or so pound difference.

    The truth was this: his online pic wasn’t really my style to begin with but his personality was engaging. We chatted three times by phone and agreed to meet. (I have dated wonderful men who weren’t my “type” in the past). However once I saw him in person – I knew nothing would ever happen. The key is to remember how you would like to be treated were the shoe on the other foot and be gracious, yet tactful. After about an hour and a half I ended the date, begging off after an honestly long work week.

    The guy followed up to set up another date, and I declined, saying that I didn’t feel a connection with him. The guy told me that “he likes to leave with a lesson” and then asked me “what about him did not meet my approval.” I politely told him that there was no “lesson” to be learned from me and that we just weren’t a match. And I wished him well.

    Oh and Moxie was also right about this: the telling clue that I didn’t pay attention to in the online profile was that both his hairstyle and his shades in the pic were seriously out of style. The picture was a few years old.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 1

    • LostSailor Says:

      the telling clue that I didn’t pay attention to in the online profile was that both his hairstyle and his shades in the pic were seriously out of style.

      Had a laugh at this. And must assume these were younger guys. Most men after a certain age and most men I know don’t change their “hairstyle” very often. I don’t recall even in my 20s–except for a foolish fling with a ponytail–that I changed my “hairstyle” much. I also tend to keep the same pair of shades until they break, and since mine are prescription, that’s not often.

      Those don’t seem much like “missed clues” to me, but I could be wrong; that’s only happened once this year, so I’m due for the second time…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

      • wishing u well Says:

        The sunglasses he was wearing were very 1990’s – the kind of large circular black shades with the thin metal bridge and thin metal arms that was the rage then…not so much now. And the guy had an s-curl going – think in the style of Ginuwine back in the days of the then hit song “Pony.” Very dated, and if the guy is the age he said he was – he’d be fully aware of this. Which he was, now that I think of it. In person his style is current – both hairstyle and glasses. Just 40 – 50 lbs heavier, 5 inches shorter, with a very different look. I am now skeptical that the dated photo may not have even been him – maybe an older picture of an attractive family member. Even with the weight, the change in was drastic and not in a good way.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

        • Shadowcat Says:

          I think the S curl would have been enough to make me pass on that one W, I give you a lot of credit for even giving this guy a shot…

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

          • Tinker Says:

            Agree with Shadowcat, you were very kind to even consider the S-curl! Lol

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

          • wishing u well Says:

            LMAO! I did a blitz of meet and greets in a short span of time, and like I said: very engaging personality

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  3. bbdawg Says:

    “Deception” to an extent comes with the territory. I have heard stories from men where the women are not the same person, or are 15 years older in person. The men I meet are usually about 5 years older in person.

    The thing though if you’re not paying you can’t return it. People aren’t goods that you can ask for a refund for, unless you are paying for a hooker, or you hired a model who is supposed to have specific measurements. If you are the type of man who can go to bars and get all the hot women you shouldn’t have that problem. I find that online gives us a distorted sense of entitlement, thinking that we can just click and order a person and have them be just like their cleaned-up online profile. We get angry when people don’t live up to an online profile that is meant by definition, to sell a person in the best possible light.

    Tip of the day: do very low investment on the first meeting. Meet for coffee, go for a walk, whatever. Less than $5 dollars.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 3

    • AC Says:

      “Tip of the day: do very low investment on the first meeting. Meet for coffee, go for a walk, whatever. Less than $5 dollars.”

      I agree about low investment but the go for a walk, less than $5 approach would make me think the other person isn’t serious about giving someone a chance. Sit down and have a drink with the person (even a cup of coffee which I hear is how they do things on the west coast).

      Just so there’s no confusion, I’m a guy and go into dates expecting to pay for the drink.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  4. bbdawg Says:

    “Deception” to an extent comes with the territory. I have heard stories from men where the women are not the same person, or are 15 years older in person. The men I meet are usually about 5 years older in person.

    The thing though if you’re not paying you can’t return it. People aren’t goods that you can ask for a refund for, unless you are paying for a hooker, or you hired a model who is supposed to have specific measurements. If you are the type of man who can go to bars and get all the hot women you shouldn’t have that problem. I find that online gives us a distorted sense of entitlement, thinking that we can just click and order a person and have them be just like their cleaned-up online profile. We get angry when people don’t live up to an online profile that is meant by definition, to sell a person in the best possible light, not their “truest” light.

    Tip of the day: do very low investment on the first meeting. Meet for coffee, go for a walk, whatever. Less than $5 dollars.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  5. Speed Says:

    There is no need to ask a former partner why you broke up as a couple. It is always clear why you broke up. Or more to the point, you know why you broke up but can’t face it. In extremely few cases is a person truly a “victim” and his or her partner some type of deceptive, manipulating villain.

    In this XO Jane article, it seems very clear to the woman why her partners left. As the commenters on the post pointed out: (1) wild dogs (2) oversharing too early (3) messy apartment. Right or wrong, these are turning off a lot of guys (and would probably turn me off, too). She has to face and fix these problems—which are actually quite fixable.

    Again, the key, in my experience, is facing the true, brutal facts that drove the breakup. It’s as difficult as facing up to a drug habit or something. Becoming self-aware and learning to read people and social situations is extremely painful, like walking into an acid bath. The kicker is, you’ve got to retain a sense of humor and optimism, through the whole process and not descend into cynicism. However, I can say— from experience—that coming out the other side is much better—not only in dating life, but in life itself.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 2

    • C Says:

      This is a tough one.

      When I was doing online dating, I found that I was rejecting something around 90-95% of the men that I met during the first 1-2 dates.

      One example, I’ve rejected starving musicians when I worked in entertainment because I didn’t want to be their meal ticket. But then those same guys had women fawning all over them precisely because they thought “artists” were hot.

      So this whole “fix yourself because so-and-so says your undatable” is rather arbitrary until everyone is saying it.

      Another case in point, I was really turned off by how a couple of my exes raised their kids…..so they found women who LOVED their parenting style. Eh!

      So two guys think XOJane wrtters dogs are unruly but the next guy will spoil his dogs too and think it all very adorable. Next!

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 3

      • Speed Says:

        So this whole ‘fix yourself because so-and-so says your undatable’ is rather arbitrary until everyone is saying it.”

        No. It’s a copout and simply incorrect to say, “There’s somebody for everyone, so I’ll stay the way I am.” There are certain personal attributes that will make you more appealing to a broader segment of the opposite sex (and in many cases also more successful in life). A guy who drops the extra 20 pounds, fattens his bank account at least somewhat, develops confidence, etc. is just going to be more attractive to more women. It’s better than just saying, “Well, I’m broke, fat and dour, but there’s bound to be some girl who likes broke, fat, dour guys.”

        Same with this XO Jane OP. With the wild dogs, messy apartment and oversharing, she seems like a borderline hoarder or dog lady. By contrast, there is only upside in cleaning the apartment, training the dogs and being somewhat more reserved on initial dates. It’s not a Herculean task. Best of all, it’s positive action—which is always good. It’s never a good dating strategy to say “take me as I am.”

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 2

        • C Says:

          I agree to a point. I’ve done some dating self-improvement projects over the years and it definitely made a big difference.

          I also found that every guy broke up with me for a different reason. One complained about me being “immature” and said he hated the way my perfume smelled and didnt like my clothes. The next guy said he felt like I wasn’t all that interested in him. Guy after that dumped me a week after calling me “boring”. I can just go on and on, but I can honestly say that it was never the same source of friction with two different guys.

          Its really no different then trying to make people like you in a platonic sense. Sure some attributes have universal appeal such as good hygiene, but I wouldn’t drive myself crazy trying to please everyone all of the time.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

          • Tinker Says:

            Goodness C, did these guys volunteer these reasons? Seems so extra/unnecessary

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

  6. Mark Says:

    Someone doesn’t look like their photo’s? Your example is a whole lot heavier.

    I think I would break this down into two parts. One is the “best light” type and the second is the “Intentionally deceptive” light.

    Photo’s of the first type are more like puffery. To show themselves from the best possible angle or highlight their best possible feature(s). Or at least not otherwise show something that may not be appealing to the viewer. Hey, it happens. Many people know put up a few pics that include a close up of face and full body plus one or two others so as to eliminate doubt. If someone is doing this, then make nice for the duration of the initial meet and greet. At the end simply say that you are sorry but you don’t think you feel there is any chemistry and wish them the best of luck. Think Golden Rule and that sort of thing. It can also help polish your social skills.

    The second type is another issue. This is active deception. They know it is deceptive. IE Old photo’s that don’t accurately reflect who they are today. Maybe they used someone other persons photo. Something along those lines. Two possibilities. Again make nice, etc, and end it just as above. But I can also see that you could call them on it on the spot and politely say that you feel that you have been actively deceived and politely end things at that point.

    In either case, I think this highlights the value of the one coffee/one drink style initial meet and greet. Something along the lings of 15-30 minutes or so. It allows you that quick exit if need be without being overtly rude/blunt about things.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 1

  7. Tinker Says:

    If you just weren’t discerning enough about someone’s pics and don’t like how they look in person, suck it up and be polite. It’s not your date’s fault. If on the other hand they straight up lied ( old pic, pic of their cousin, extreme photoshop) it alright to tell them they were not what you were expecting. I would probably have an obvious attitude for the duration of the date. Maybe after enough experiences like those they’ll try another way to get dates.
    I have to say though that I think the times where you are outright deceived are somewhat rare, and it’s more likely you chose to put a positive spin on your date’s pictures- which, again, is not their fault.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

  8. D. Says:

    I can count on one hand the number of times this happened to me, but the experiences were fairly memorable. One time was the result of very careful cropping of the photo. Another was clearly a case of “best picture” syndrome (a.k.a. “Always believe the worst picture.”). In those circumstances, I put on my party hat, engaged in pleasant conversation for under an hour, and then headed home and never spoke to the other person again. It was annoying, sure, but it’s really just part of the landscape in dating. I think in one case, the other party was pretty insecure (the cropped photos one), and asked me point blank if I was interested and attracted. I answered honestly, but not bluntly or rudely.

    As a general rule, I find answering a question of “Why aren’t you into me?” or providing a reason why you no longer want to see the other person to be a simple matter of saying something to the effect of “There’s no spark/chemistry/click/whatever.” And then you leave it at that. You really shouldn’t need much more than that, either. Most people, once they hear that, aren’t going to press any further. If they do, you can either stick to your story (“I don’t know. Chemistry isn’t something controllable. It’s either there or it isn’t.”) or you get more specific. But really, you don’t have to do that very often, and most people won’t push for more.

    I also think this differs for men and women. With men, as the party expected to ask the other party out for a 2nd date, the simple answer is to never call the woman again. In all but a handful of cases, that’s all that’s required. You sit on the date, say “I should get going. Take care,” and that’s that.

    With women, there may be more of a desire to nip things in the bud so they guy won’t continually call/text and ask you out again. I actually have a friend who, a few minutes into a REALLY bad date (like, not just no chemistry, but the guy was actually pretty obnoxious, as she tells it), just put down $20 on the table (it was only for drinks) said “I don’t think we’re a match,” and got up and left. That sends a pretty unambiguous signal and she never heard from that guy again. Or you can just say “I had a nice time, but I don’t really think this is going to go anywhere.” Might not stop the guy from texting some 3 months later with a “hey how r u?” text, but it pretty much seems to shut things down.

    Really, though, I think the trick is to do one of the following:

    1. Learn to screen more effectively on the front end. There are plenty of more specific things that can be done here, but the one thing I’d suggest is “Trust your gut.” Does it seem too good to be true? It may well be. Are you feeling ambivalent about the date? There’s probably a reason for that. If you follow through in either case, be prepared for disappointment. It may not happen immediately, or at all, but you still have to be prepared.

    Alternatively…

    2. Accept that you’re gonna have bad dates here and there, and roll with the punches. If you find yourself saying “yes” to a wide range of people, you have to expect some duds to slip through here and there. So, learn to accept it, and figure you can turn it into an entertaining “bad date” story.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

  9. Nicole Says:

    Agree with everyone that there’s no point in telling someone why you’re not interested if it’s something they can’t change – or something (like extra weight) that would take a huge investment of time and motivation to change. You really don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you’re not attracted, and it’s more likely to hurt than help.

    It’s a little more complicated when it’s something that’s easy to fix, and you’d otherwise want to date/continue dating the person. I can’t help but wonder why the guys in the xo jane article didn’t just tell the author that her dogs were an issue while they were still dating. How hard is it to say, “hey, can we shut the door or crate the crazy fur kids during sexy time?”

    Maybe there were more complicated reasons than unruly dogs and this was a cop-out explanation from the men. But I do think it’s possible that we’ve developed an attitude that’s it’s much easier to say “next!” and bail then to work on even the simplest issues in relationships. I’m as guilty as anyone else. I remember one guy I went out with a few times who wore AWFUL cologne, and another who had a goatee that bugged me when we kissed … In both cases, awesome guys, but I made up some bs excuse to quit seeing them rather than mention these totally fixable things.

    It’s easy to say it all works out for the best – I met a cologne-hating, clean-shaven guy, these dudes probably met women who thought they were perfect just as they were, the xo jane writer will meet someone who thinks her bratty dogs are adorable. But the other side of it is that we now bail on potentially great relationships rather than have a two-minute awkward conversation. I don’t really know which way to look at it.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “Maybe there were more complicated reasons than unruly dogs and this was a cop-out explanation from the men”

      I definitely think the explanations were “cop out” explanations from the men. If Marci wants to test it (and make things extra super uncomfortable) she should go back to those guys and ask if they’d reconsider their decision not to continue dating if she made the necessary lifestyle changes. I’m sure their answer would still be “no thanks” with some other polite excuse.

      The reasons these guys gave may be helpful to her in improving her datability in the future with other guys but the reasons given are not the “real” reasons these guys bailed on her, which she can never know.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 5

      • C Says:

        Yep. That’s my tactic. If a guy asks, I always take the most innocuous of the reasons theres no future, throw that down and then run for the hills.

        When breaking up with my boyfriend of nearly 2 years, I told him its because he excluding me from his family events which made me realize he didn’t want to marry me….which was true. However, had he come back with a marriage proposal, I’d have thrown myself off the nearest bridge.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    • D. Says:

      Here’s the thing. When it’s something “small”/”insignificant” that’s making you lose interest, I tend to think that the real problem is that there just isn’t a ton of interest to begin with.

      Like, think about Mr. Goatee. Totally fixable problem. Shave the goatee, and everything’s awesome. But you didn’t care to ask. Why? Probably because while he was “awesome” otherwise, you also just weren’t really that attracted to him on the whole. If you had been, you’d either have ignored the goatee, or you’d have spoken up about it.

      I’d bet there are other examples of guys you dated who had some other kind of flaw, but you didn’t care and kept dating them at least for a little while. Why? Because you were otherwise attracted to them, so you could overlook the small stuff.

      I’ve had examples of both — people who had some “insignificant” thing about them that I didn’t like which led me to call things off, and people who had “insignificant” issues that I didn’t really care about. While, at the time, I thought that I ditched people for the “insignificant” things (e.g. dead tooth front and center, annoying verbal tic of saying “I see, I see,” etc.), when I really think back, none of those things would’ve mattered with someone that I was otherwise more into. Even though, at the time, I thought “Nope. This won’t do” because of the insignificant thing.

      Although, this too highlights why it’s silly to mention stuff like that. Even if you seize upon it as “the reason why,” in the end, it probably wasn’t the reason, or at least not the main reason. Ultimately, it probably really was just because there was “no spark” or whathaveyou, which is why I think that’s the real, honest answer in most cases.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  10. Brad Says:

    “Tell them anything but, “Hey, you’re fat.”

    From xoJane:
    “the sex was pretty fun, and I enjoyed your body greatly.”
    “You have a ton of remarkable weapons in your arsenal… a justly celebrated rack”

    These statements were guy-code for “Hey, you’re fat.” I didn’t even need to look.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 10

  11. Lisa Says:

    If someone posted pics that were clearly of another person or more than 15 years old or something, yes, I would walk out on the date. That’s scary and creepy to me and I wouldn’t want to waste anymore time on their bullshit. No apologies; I’d be out of the there w/ a quickness and would not hesitate to say why…unless I felt it would be unsafe for me to do so. (That scenario has never happened to me tho.)

    If I just felt a bit let down bc he wasn’t as handsome as his pics or a few pounds overweight (or actually underweight, too), I’d continue with the date and make the best of it. Who knows, maybe a friendship or business relationship could develop. (That scenario has happened a few times.)

    I’d try hard to let my body language and conversation convey my lack of romantic interest.

    If he asked directly, I’d just say I wasn’t feeling a love connection. If he pressed further still, I would admit he wasn’t my type physically.

    My intention absolutely would not be to hurt the person. That’s ridiculous! I simply would not want either one of us to waste any further time chasing waterfalls, and when I’d tried to convey that thought in more subtle, vague ways, he didn’t catch on.

    Why should I let him think it was bc he chose a restaurant I didn’t like or he talked too much or his jokes were corny or anything else he might obsess over on his next first date? Just call a spade a spade and be out.

    I wouldn’t get into specifics tho, that his nose is too big or he is too short or whatever. That’s tacky and demoralizing.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • Lisa Says:

      Just adding, I’ve never had to go that far. The most i’ve had to do is say, ‘I’m just not feeling a love connection” and they got it.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  12. AC Says:

    “If someone posted pics that were clearly of another person or more than 15 years old or something, yes, I would walk out on the date. That’s scary and creepy to me and I wouldn’t want to waste anymore time on their bullshit.”

    “If I just felt a bit let down bc he wasn’t as handsome as his pics or a few pounds overweight (or actually underweight, too), I’d continue with the date and make the best of it.”

    This.

    There’s a huge difference between someone trying to sell themselves or both pictures of themselves in the best light and flat out deception.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  13. LostSailor Says:

    I agree that 99% of the time, when someone shows up on a first date and is clearly not what they advertised, especially in pictures, you just suck it up for 30 minutes and decline to offer or accept a second meeting with some ego-saving lie.

    This scenario has happened to everyone who’s done online dating, so it goes with the territory.

    But in the case of gross deception, I don’t agree.

    Just understand that you’re not telling them to help them.

    I’ve only walked out on one date several years ago where I literally didn’t recognize the woman when she introduced herself to me. I could see a resemblance, but she was clearly at least 50 pounds heavier and more than a few years older. She was also some 15 minutes late and I already had a drink. Normally in that situation, I’d ask her what she wanted and either flagged a waiter or gone to the bar. In this case I did neither. I did tell her that I was surprised that she really looked nothing like her photos. She replied that she used some older ones but she really didn’t look much different (she did; very much different). I pretty much slugged back my drink, put $20 on the table, made a vague apology, and left.

    She contacted me later that night and was, as you can imagine, was a bit pissed off. When she asked why I left, I simply told her that her profile pictures were a lie, that she knew it, and that I don’t date liars.

    I didn’t tell her that to hurt her–really. I certainly didn’t tell her that to “help” her. I told her that to help all the other men who would find themselves in the same situation. Not that I expected it to really work, but one tries to do what one can.

    I won’t comment on the XOJ article, since there’s not really any point in commenting on attention-seeking drama queens. Don’t feed that beast…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 1

  14. AnnieNonymous Says:

    I think you should tell the truth if it’s something objective and indisputable, like “I’m getting back with my ex” or “I accepted a last-minute job offer and I’m moving soon.”

    As for Marci….I learned at 18 that the #1 way to annoy someone is to ask, “Am I annoying you/”

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  15. Steve From the City Next Door Says:

    It depends on the reason among other things. I think it almost always appropriate to say something like “I won’t date you because you are already married.” On the other hand I cannot think of a time when it would ok to say “Your nose is just too big” THere is certainly gray area.

    If you are setup on a blind date and the other person is too heavy for you, just do it for 30 minutes. If it is a clear attempt at deception than it is your choice.

    I had an experience like this about 2 months ago. The pictures were clearly of her perhaps a bit old but nothing points to that — same hair style, clothes were pretty generic — nothing that would indicate a time period. But she was a lot bigger…in one professional picture she was clearly curvy in the traditional sense and in person her belly clearly stuck out farther than her boobs. I got a match message from the site a few weeks later with some additional photos….one is clearly here but she looks about 21 in it. Another with a flat stomach – good chance it is not her or very old. Another two that show a slim woman that I am pretty sure is not her. THe second group of photos I would be too suspicious…but the original ones alone I don’t see any tip off.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  16. Donnie K Says:

    The first time I read this post I thought Moxie was pulling a page out of the talk radio playbook and belittling your question to stir the pot. But after rereading this:

    Like most people, I have had this experience (somone hot resembling their photos) several times, and by now I’m wondering how acceptable or rude it will be to just say, right off the bat, “Sorry, but you’re not what I was expecting, I do not think you look like your pictures,” and walk away.

    I think Moxie’s reply was kind. No disrespect but you deserve to be raked over the coals for asking this question. Why?

    a) Welcome to online dating. People lie. Do you think you’re the only one who this happens to?

    b) How would you feel if you walked into a date and someone said this to you? You’d think, “Who does this jerk think they are?” You’d be right in thinking this because only an obtuse, self-centered moron would act that way.

    c) There are three reasons why this might happen and acceptable ways to handle each situation.

    Scenario #1; The photos are theirs but taken from deceiving angles, in favorable light, or slightly old but not misleading. Online dating is about marketing. These people aren’t trying to deceive you but lack self –awareness on some level. Be forgiving. We’ve all been there. Be polite, finish your drink and excuse yourself.

    Scenario #2: The photos are theirs but old – as in- I’m 50 in real life, my photo’s were taken when I was 38, and my profile says I’m 42. I’d be pissed. If you choose to bail immediately- be polite Otherwise, same as Scenario #1.

    Scenario #3: The phots belong to w friend/relative. Call them out. This is a form of fraud. I don’t recommend it, but if you’re freaked out by the situation, Irish goodbye them. They disrespected you by lying about their appearance, they don’t deserve your time or courtesy.

    Online dating isn’t easy. But you’ll go a lot further if you apply common sense to situations rather than relying on broad stoke analysis.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

    • Lisa Says:

      “Scenario #1; The photos are theirs but taken from deceiving angles, in favorable light, or slightly old but not misleading. Online dating is about marketing. These people aren’t trying to deceive you but lack self –awareness on some level. Be forgiving. We’ve all been there. Be polite, finish your drink and excuse yourself.”

      How are they not trying to deceive if they are taking pics from DECEIVING angles??? Or using lighting/Photoshop tricks or using old pictures?? That is the very meaning of deception! No, we haven’t all been there. There are plenty of ppl who use current, unobstructed pics that are an accurate representation of what we look like.

      But yes, some ppl inadvertently do select pics that are not a great reflection of how they actually look.

      But if there’s trickery involved (lighting tricks, Photoshop, angles, old pics), it’s not inadvertent.

      “Scenario #2: The photos are theirs but old – as in- I’m 50 in real life, my photo’s were taken when I was 38, and my profile says I’m 42. I’d be pissed. If you choose to bail immediately- be polite Otherwise, same as Scenario #1.”

      Not sure how polite I would be. This person just wasted my entire evening/afternoon w/ his BS. Why give him a pass on that and pretend I didn’t notice and everything is OK. Using pics that old is a breech of etiquette. Why not mention it? I’m kind of a softie so I would probably be polite. But I wouldn’t be mad at someone who wasn’t. Ppl like that bring the whole community down.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

      • bbdawg Says:

        Yeah Lisa here’s the deal: our ideas about beauty are informed by images that are completely photoshopped, professionally lit and all that. That is true of models and actresses as well. I have said this before on several threads, but the “hottest woman on Okcupid” not only is a make-up artist but has obviously heavily photoshopped pictures. What does that tell you? That people will respond to images that are closer to “fantasy” than reality. That our ideas about beauty have much more to do with fantasy than reality.

        I personally care less about appearance than other factors but I find it a much more serious “offense” when a man lies about marital status, job, age (by 5-10 years) or where he lives.

        All of which has happened to me. I know men place huge importance on appearance so they feel deceived when the woman looks a little different or fatter or whatever. But c’mon that’s online dating. It comes with the territory. Online dating is in many ways very low-invesment, and that downside of it is that you can’t expect people to be like a product that looks as advertised on the packaging.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

      • Donnie K Says:

        Lisa,

        I hear ya.

        The point I’m making is that the person in scenario #1 unconsciously lacks self awareness. The persons in scenario’s 2 & 3 are flat out lying.

        In my book, there’s a huge difference.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

      • Donnie K Says:

        “Ppl like that bring the whole community down.”

        True dat.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  17. Noquay Says:

    Had this sort of thing happen often when I was on line. Moxies reply is spot on; stick it out for one date, treat the person with kindness, move on. There’s no point in telling someone about themselves; they know they’re overweight, missing teeth, are financially down and out. No point in causing unnecessary pain by telling someone you find them unattractive or too much of a dating liability. I certainly don’t care to be told I am undatable because of my race, my very muscular legs, because I live in an impoverished redneck town. Of course, the best way to avoid being on the receiving end of this is to look like your photos.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

    • wishing u well Says:

      “Missing teeth?!?” Oh my goodness I am gasping for air with laughter at that one! Good grief that is too funny…

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

      • Noquay Says:

        No joke. Dude that became a “wannabe stalker” last spring CHOSE to have a bunch of his teeth pulled back when he had a job and insurance, rather than get his gum problem fixed. Welcome to dating in mountain towns.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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