How Do You Compensate For Your Shortcomings In Your Dating Profile? #atwys

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Geoffman_with_laptop1
:
Comment: What advice would you give to 50 year olds in the online dating game? I sure hope I don’t have to do the alpha male David Deangelo  cocky-and-funny thing to get women interested in me. And, I also hope that the gals in my target age range (45-55) are more interested in a fit and healthy fellow who is financially solvent and generally responsible and are not still chasing the tall, dark, handsome guys who have that slightly aggressive edge. (I’m 5’5″).

I’d appreciate your thoughts.

“Geoff”
Age: 50
City: Santa Fe
State: New Mexico

Fit and healthy is great, but don’t knock the the whole cocky-and-funny thing. It sounds like you have some sour grapes over the fact that you get passed over for guy you think are jerks. And they might be. But sitting there whining about how women all want bad boys and don’t like nice guys isn’t going to get you anywhere.

What I hear in your letter is, “I hope women will over look the fact that I’m short and not all that interesting because I’m financially stable and in good shape.” The answer to that is, “Probably not.” Personality and confidence matter quite a bit, regardless of our age. As I said to a profile review client yesterday, since his personality is rather introverted he needs to play up the assets he does have that will appeal to women, namely his income and profession. If a guy has an accent, I tell him to accentuate that. I suggest to women who self-identify as “nerds” to highlight that aspect of their personality.

So, if you’re very financially stable, then make that clear. Include in your profile that you own property or own your own home or that you travel a lot. Demonstrate that you have expendable income as well as your ability to support yourself. Those things are attractive, whether we like to admit it or not.

At 5’5, you have to compensate for what you lack in height. Height matters to many women. It’s thing. We know this. To pretend it doesn’t only serves to impede your ability to get dates. That cock of the walk type of personality you dismiss in your letter? That’s the type of thing you may wish to develop. You don’t have to be an asshole, but it wouldn’t hurt for you to become more assertive and confident and less wah wah wah. If you make a healthy salary, then select that salary range in your profile. Make sure your profile text doesn’t come across passive or weak. Your profile voice needs to be strong and forthright.

At 45 and at a size 10, I have to make up for both my age and my body type. How do I do it? I use the lure of sex. I know. It’s horrible. But it gets me attention and it gets me dates. And those dates get me second, third, fourth dates (sometimes.) I go through dry spells like everybody else. I meet guys just looking for sex like everybody else. There’s no real difference in the outcome other than the hint of sexuality in my profile gets me those dates. My personality takes it from there. I’m one of those people that has more success charming people in real life than I do online. So I do what I get to get those guys to meet me offline. The key to this is that I actually like sex, and if I want to have it, I do and don’t really get all caught up in the “what will he think of me” stuff. If you’re someone who is concerned with that, then using sex as a lure isn’t for you. And that’s okay.

If there was ever a time or place to show off, it’s in your dating profile. That’s the time to highlight whatever it is about you that sets you apart or above the rest. That could mean your Ivy League education, it could be your body, it could be your IQ…anything that pushes you to the next level should be mentioned in your profile. Tactfully, of course.

Your profile is the perfect place for you to shine a light on what you bring to the table besides your laid-back, easy going personality and solid group of friends. This is especially for true for people like you and me and countless others who don’t fall into that tiny percentage of “hotties” or “Alpha guys” that make the rounds on most dating sites. Your profile is when you bring out the big guns.

Thoughts?

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20 Responses to “How Do You Compensate For Your Shortcomings In Your Dating Profile? #atwys”

  1. Gray Says:

    Sounds like the typical butthurt kinda guy who whines that he’s such a nice guy and a great catch yet at the same time is condescending to guys who DO get women because um.. they developed a personality. If he doesn’t like cooky funny.. fine neither do I. But it’s not about “tricks”, it’s about just being a cool person who can have some banter and make women smile and nd have fun around them.

    Height doesn’t mean squat. Ok fine.. it matters a bit.. but he’s the guys whod look at my height and tell me if only he had that everything would be fine yet never realizes that I or anyone else can pick out 10 physical traits about ourselves rs that we’d change in an instant to “made everything better”. Yet some of us suck it up and do fine anyway because we are actual genuine good people while guys like this guy dismiss us as “oh he’s tall.. He must be a jerk… etc.. etc..”

    The fact he laments women being superficial yet at the same time looks down on any guy who can get a girl and wants to use money as HIS way to get girls tells me exactly who the real jerk is here… sorry.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 13

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    • Lisa Says:

      I totally agree. This kind of commentary (disguised as a question) is so irritating. Allow ppl the right to their own preferences and styles, and work on yourself.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

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    • The D-man Says:

      Agreed. Cocky-funny is great if you can do it, but there are other ways. But dismissing it with a sour grapes attitude comes across as insecure and an undercurrent of hostility.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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  2. Nicole Says:

    “I suggest to women who self-identify as “nerds” to highlight that aspect of their personality.”

    Best. Advice. Ever. The quality of men I met online went waaaay up when I started highlighting my geeky side instead of hiding it. And it doesn’t have to be stereotypical nerd culture stuff. I listed Temple Grandin, Oliver Sacks, and E.O. Wilson as my favorite authors and met some amazing guys. (I think a lot of them were drawn to the juxtaposition of those writers with my all-time favorite TV shows, Dance Moms and Beverly Hill, 90210 ;) )

    “Include in your profile that you own property or own your own home or that you travel a lot. Demonstrate that you have expendable income as well as your ability to support yourself. Those things are attractive, whether we like to admit it or not.”

    Agree that finding a way to demonstrate your financial stability is important. Travel photos are great; so is mentioning hobbies that demonstrate you have free time and disposable income. But that thing so many guys do where they just state “I have my own place and a car”… No. Just no. It makes it sound like they think a house and a car is a the ultimate accomplishment and that’s really depressing.

    “That could mean your Ivy League education, it could be your body, it could be your IQ…anything that pushes you to the next level should be mentioned in your profile. Tactfully, of course.”

    I never found a way to mention my education in my profile text without turning guys off. Even when it was just the tiny phrase “Ivy League grad”, my messages dropped off dramatically. And as I hinted at above, I think guys appreciate and want smart women. I never felt like anyone was intimidated or put off by my education when I waited until they asked to talk about it. There’s just something that strikes people as snobby or elitest about putting it in your dating profile, I guess.

    So, while I generally agree with playing up the best aspects of yourself online, it has to be done in a natural voice. Just stating that you are well-off or have a great body can come across as conceited and socially inept – not qualities anyone wants in a partner. Ideally, reading someone’s profile should feel like getting to hang out with them for a few minutes, and make you want more time with them.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      This is not even a dating site and you had (have) me at Oliver Sacks. Instead of Ivy Leavue, I’d just say “well educated.” Yes, it will still turn off less educated guys but I doubt it would turn off fellow Ivy Leaguers, who are otherwise serious, if that matters to you.

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      • Nicole Says:

        Admit it DMN, it was the 90210 reference that got you…

        I actually changed it to “over-educated and underemployed” which is at least honest! And yes, the guys I have asked about this said the mention of Ivy League would kind of imply I was looking for someone else with that kind of resume. Nope. Guy I’m seeing now went to state schools and is so smart he makes me seem like an airhead… And there are plenty of grads from fancy schools who wouldn’t know Oliver Sacks from Antonio Damasio ;)

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        • DrivingMeNutes Says:

          “Admit it DMN, it was the 90210 reference that got you…”

          I admit it and that I was rockin’ 90210 side burns in the early 90s too.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • C Says:

      Don’t most dating sites have an education section where you can name the college you graduated from? Unless I misunderstood, actually saying “Ivy League grad” in your profile write up sounds “status climber-ish” to me.

      “I listed Temple Grandin, Oliver Sacks, and E.O. Wilson as my favorite authors and met some amazing guys.(I think a lot of them were drawn to the juxtaposition of those writers with my all-time favorite TV shows, Dance Moms and Beverly Hill, 90210 ;)”

      I didn’t think most nerdy guys had any idea who Temple Grandin is. I think you probably had them at “hot marathon runner” and the rest was icing ;-). Lol.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 5

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      • The D-man Says:

        I know who she is and I’m not particularly nerdy. But her story obviously appeals to Asperger-y people.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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        • C Says:

          That’s how I came across her. Ex had a son with Asperger’s and I was doing some research for him. Remarkable lady but she never came up in nerdy conversation. Maybe I’m hanging out with the wrong nerds.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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      • Nicole Says:

        C – OKC has a place to select education level (high school, college, PhD, whatever) but not to fill in your school. And I agree that it came across as snotty. I was trying to lend depth to a profile that otherwise read “perky sorority type” but it was definitely not the best way to do that.

        On Temple Grandin – there is a lot of interest in artificial intelligence in the gaming community, also among sci fi fans, and AI draws heavily on neuroscience…. So a lot of “nerds” have a passing familiarity with that area. And yes the whole Aspergers angle. Mostly, though, guys who identify as nerds are just more likely to think having weird interests and hobbies is a plus!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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  3. Howard Says:

    It really doesn’t matter if this guy is harboring anything over being rejected, because we’re all in the same boat. And that includes the people on this board expressing frustration about reading anpther such tale.

    I am also going to say, everything works a bit, and that includes David DeAngelo and his ilk. A nice car helps too and being financially ok. But what works really, is one’s self-awarenes and self-confidence. The two go well together. Because just being too confident can come off as overbearing. It about being confident enough where one can poke fun at oneself and not feel anyway. I am not advising poking fun at oneself, a questionable tactic at times, but one should feel secure enough.

    Practice does make perfect, and the more opportunities one gives onself to practice, the better one will be in the long run. My advice to the OP, is to get out there. Don’t wait for online dates to happen. I find when one only does online, somehow our desperation shows through.

    Let’s talk about the successful jerks. I suppose finding a twisted way to deflate the power of rejection provides them a powerful tool in being confident. It is certainly not the best way to exude confidence, but it opens that window into the concept of finding a way to deflate all ill-conceived notions of possible rejection.

    Sometimes one has to find a temporary crutch to deal with the rejection. Whe I started dancing many years ago, I used the power of a really engaing smile, “you have a great evening”, and saying “next” in my head, to get past any rejection I encountered. What eventually happens is a point where one really truly wishes the young lady a great evening and not feeling any way put out. “Next” then just doesn’t even show up in one’s mental frame.

    Rejection is indeed a self-fulfillibg thing. If we imagine it will happen, it surely will. Fixing one’s head is never easy. We just have to be willing to dare to imagine the possibe happening and believe that we can get there.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      I forced myself to make the most of OKCupid this summer while I had the chance, before school got busy. I’ve been dating someone for about a month. Yeah, I know, not super-long, don’t get too excited ’til you’ve get some real mileage – but still, things are going well.

      Before that I had a lot of go-nowhere dates and was starting to get down about it and considered turning my profile off. I thought – it’s really not that important in the grand scheme of things if I participate on some particular silly website or not. However, it is very important to me to know that I’m a person capable of hope and resilience, and sticking it out on OKC was an external marker of that.

      I got bupkus on the trials of a short guy, but yeah, attitude is everything.

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  4. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “I also hope that the gals in my target age range (45-55)… are not still chasing the tall, dark, handsome guys who have that slightly aggressive edge. (I’m 5’5″).”

    Uh, I don’t think this is your garden variety “chicks prefer tall guys” problem. I mean, you’re 5’5″. That’s exceptionally short for a man. You’re probably too short even for women who don’t care too much about height. And, as something you cannot change, I’m surprised you have no found a constructive way to deal with this issue by now, and at 50? We all deal with our problems.

    I agree with Moxie’s advice generally, but not necessarily on the specifics. Yes, you have to sell yourself. Some of these things are really personal preferences. I mean, Moxie digs accents. I steer clear of women with accents for the most part – most accents are grating to me and, the one’s I don’t hate, I’m neutral at best. (Just as there are guys who don’t want an Ivy League woman, or one who follows the Philosophy of Consciousness.) Personally, all else equal, I’m turned off by profiles of women who seem overly focused on superficial qualities, whether in themselves or in others.

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    • bbdawg Says:

      “You’re probably too short even for women who don’t care too much about height.”

      I am one of these women who don’t care much about height. I agree with DMN that 5’5″ is VERY short for a man and I am 5’5″ myself. That means the OP should seek women below 5’3″ because he will look shorter than the woman once she wears heels.

      This is going to be some pretty basic advice, but when you don’t have a lot to offer in terms of externals (the height issue is a massive deal breaker for most), you HAVE to try and engage with women on a very personal level. That means doing a ton of profile READING and writing as if you are responding to a person, not just some “woman”. You have to really zero-in on the profile and try to connect with her on some level that is more focused and engaged than the average guy. I’d actually greatly respect and respond to someone who acknowledged that on his profile. “I know my height is a deal breaker for most women but I have a lot to offer to the right person, I am____, I do etc….” This becomes less of an awkward issue.

      The tone of the OP’s letter suggests that he is not necessarily engaging with women on a personal level and that he carries some resentment due to the fact that he is unpopular. Possibly due to his height, or other factors (My guess considering the tone of the letter). I hope the OP isn’t just using the “nice guy”shtick and saying one thing but contacting much younger women and women above his league. The OP needs to stay realistically within his “league” because if he is out there reaching out to the more popular women, he is going to lose.

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  5. LostSailor Says:

    Disagree with Gray: sorry, Moxie’s right. Height does matter. So Geoff is going probably have to deal with the fact that he’s probably not going to get a lot of dates with taller women; just being fit and healthy and financially solvent and generally responsible isn’t going to overcome that.

    In fact being fit, healthy, financially solvent, and generally responsible are kind of baseline qualities.

    But I think Geoff’s biggest problem is attitude. He says: I sure hope I don’t have to do the…cocky-and-funny thing to get women interested in me.

    Sorry, but that is probably the most positive thing Geoff could do to overcome other shortcomings. But the fact that he “hopes” he doesn’t have to do that is the biggest tell. Geoff’s attitude is clearly resentful. And he absolutely needs to get over that. But “cocky-and-funny” would be better translated as “confident and interesting” and if Geoff has a problem. He also laments women who prefer “tall…handsome guys who have that slightly aggressive edge.” We know Geoff isn’t tall and evidence suggests he has no aggressive edge, so I have to wonder that he considers himself not all that handsome.

    Height matters and can’t be changed. But the other things can be worked on. Geoff says he’s “fit,” but he really needs to be very fit and active. He needs to be as stylishly groomed and well-dressed as possible. Since it sounds like he has some disposable income, he might want to invest in tailored casual clothing.

    Santa Fe is a great town and he should be out doing things offline that develop new interests in ways he can meet new people. That’s a great way to develop both confidence and interesting experiences. And that can translate into being more interesting online. Win-win.

    But just hanging out online, even crafting the perfect profile, isn’t going to help. Geoff doesn’t say whether he’s actually getting any response or dates online. I suspect not. Which makes it even more important to get offline at times and go out. Not necessarily to meet women, but just to develop new interests and interact with new people.

    Finally, about that online profile, Geoff should follow most of Moxie’s advice–she’s the expert–but I wouldn’t necessarily approach the various written sections to straightforwardly.

    When I first got online I filled out a profile pretty basically describing myself as “honestly” as possible. {crickets} My answer was not to lie, but to research. I created a fake female profile on the site and studied what other guys were putting up for profiles. And then I went in an opposite direction. I approached sections with a whimsical, slightly snarky, but definitely un-earnest way. You might say in a cocky-and-funny way. And I have a decent response rate when I send out messages and get about one incoming message a week (I haven’t really been that active online in the past few months).

    Not every response results in a date, but many do, even if it’s only one. The trick is to continue the same vibe from the profile in person.

    And that’s what Geoff needs to work on. A more positive, confident attitude. I haven’t read David Deangelo, but I’m familiar with the ilk, and there is some truth to be gleaned there. Even if you’re not confident, try to act like it…

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    • Gray Says:

      To clarify my point: Height matters to some people… but not to others! It’s not the be all and end all! For example, I’m around 6ft. If I met Geoff I’m sure he’d lament “Oh! If only I was as tall you all my problems would disappear!” but I could equally say back to him “Oh Geoff, you don’t see it! Yes I am taller, but it doesn’t matter, I don’t have your ivy league education and or solid financial status… THAT’S all women want!”

      See? It’s just going in circles. We all have our personal hangups. But it’s how you deal with it. I mean, he won’t get girls who are 5’10” themselves but come on. He’s basically saying that no short guy has ever got a women, and that’s just not true. The weird thing is, when I look at online dating sites, I sometimes look for women OVER 5’5″ because I always feel awkward walking around with a woman way shorter than me, like I’m their dad or something, but it’s not a deal breaker for me really.

      But all that aside, I DO agree that it’s more in his attitude. I mean, we can pick apart David D and PUAs until we die a death from it. But the point is, he’s basically saying he doesn’t want to do anything to appear more out-going, and attractive personality wise to get women, it’s pure laziness! I’m not naturally a loud guy but I have to push myself out of my shell and it works!

      But when guys start whining how they are “nice guys” yet calling everyone else “jerks” and “players” and “sleezy” or whatever else, they just lose me right there. Like I said, I have to push myself, and I’ve been called all those things by so called “nice guys” who saw me with nice women in the past, yet if they knew me, I’m anything but! Approaching a hot girl terrifies me! But I do it if I really want to meet her! Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, such is life. I won’t base my self worth on someone who doesn’t know me.

      It’s these “nice guys” who are usually the most boring, dismissal and nasty people around, given how they judge other people without knowing them and try to be “friends” with women thinking it’ll someday win their heart.

      I know…. “dislike”

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  6. Yvonne Says:

    Frankly, 5’5″ is on the short side of short, and that’s a challenge online. Professional photos would help Geoff a lot. He needs to emphasize that he’s fit and active. Another thing Geoff could try is expanding some of his search parameters. His target age range is fine, but why not try widening it by a couple of years in either direction? He might also try expanding his geographical preferences as well.

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  7. Lisa Says:

    Geoff is going to be screened out of many women’s searches; he should make sure he focuses on other ways to meet women besides dating sites.

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    • Tinker Says:

      This is the shit that no one likes to admit- every thing ain’t for everybody. Not being a success at online dating doesn’t mean you’ll never get a date- it just means online may not be your medium. Time spent handwringing over profile wording could often be better spent using other ways to meet people, especially if you are coming to the table with significant deficits* on paper. Either way, a negative attitude needs to be adjusted because it comes through in profiles and in person.
      *Not saying there is anything fundamentally wrong with a man who is 5’5″, but it plays especially poorly online.

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