How Come All Guys Want From Her Is Sex? #atwys

August 19th, 2014

First Date Sex, NEW!, Red Flag 101, Sex

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Katcantsleep
Comment: Why do I only attract guys who are only interested in taking my clothes off? and when I tell them off, they never wanted to have anything to do with me again. It makes me question if I should give in at times but I realize I am better than that. I am an attractive 29 year old female (not being cocky, I was told by many from both genders) with a great career (pharmacist) and I don’t believe in causal dating and has always wanted long term relationships and I believe I represent myself well in front of guys (easy to talk to, respectful, and just being good company)
Age: 29
City: Los Angeles
State: California


Why do you only attract guys who want to take your clothes off? As opposed to..what? Guys who don’t want to take your clothes off? Because I’d be way more suspicious of the latter category than the former.

It makes me question if I should give in at times but I realize I am better than that.

Better than what, exactly? You are not a prize to be won or some object. I don’t blame you for not wanting to hop into bed with every random dude who propositions you, but there’s a difference between those guys and the men who take you our a few times in a genuine attempt to get to know you and then want to have sex. You’re conflating the two, and I think that’s part of your problem.

I don’t doubt that all of these men are fleeing the scene when you tell them off. But I guarantee you that some of those guys are decent guys and they’re dropping you like a hot rock because they think you’re too high maintenance.

Oh, you’re attractive? Good for you. That means you’re one of millions of women on this planet that are good looking. Congrats. That doesn’t mean you are deserving of any kind of extra credit. Your looks don’t buy you extra consideration. Most of the guys who want a long term relationship are going to require that they sleep with you first before locking it down. You have your rules and standards, and men have theirs. See how that works? If your plan is to rage at every dude who wants to sleep with you, then buy few cats a now so you’re ahead of the game.

Not every guy just wants sex. That’s another myth perpetuated by many women. Women and men both like sex. Forget about all this nonsense about men being hard wired to spread their seed and screw everything within a twenty mile radius. That’s a stereotype. It’s sex. It’s fun. Human beings like it. That’s not a bad thing.

You need to learn how to tell the difference between a guy who just wants casual sex and a guy who wants to have sex with you because he’s considering you for a long term relationship. If you date within your league and know your audience, you’ll substantially cut back on the number of dudes you encounter who just want a quick lay. You can take as long as like to determine whether or not you want to sleep with someone, but you’re going to have to demonstrate that you’re returning the interest and attraction in some other way. If they don’t stick around after one or two dates, then they probably just wanted sex. If they wait it out for a handful of dates, then they most likely enjoy your company and want to continue dating you. OR..they’re desperate and have no options, which means you probably wouldn’t be dating them anyway since, you know, you’re in such high demand.

That’s kicker: you’re not going to know what a guy’s true motivations are until after you sleep with him.Forget about that myth women like to repeat about how, if he’s truly interested and worthy, he’ll wait. It’s a lie. Most guys won’t wait too long. Not that guys with options, any way.

There’s nothing wrong with waiting until you’re comfortable to have sex. Just do it with the understanding that you need to be proactively demonstrating your interest in other ways. If you’re sitting there and waiting for these guys to prove something to you without returning that investment, that’s why some of them are bailing. It’s not just because you’re not having sex with them. It’s because you’re not reciprocating.

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5 Responses to “How Come All Guys Want From Her Is Sex? #atwys”

  1. C Says:

    “and when I tell them off, they never wanted to have anything to do with me again.”

    Wha? Is she looking for a master-slave relationship?

  2. Kyra Says:

    I think Moxie hit this one on the head.

    Why do you need to tell them off instead of politely explaining that you simply aren't ready to have sex with them.

    You aren't their mommy to scold them for wanting to have sex. And honestly, they may be bolting because you're acting crazy, not because you're not giving them sex.

  3. D. Says:

    Moxie offers some excellent advice and insight here. Take it to heart.

    All guys who find you attractive will want sex with you. Not all guys who want sex with you only want sex. Some want sex and a relationship. Some want sex and casual dating on an ongoing basis. And yes, some just want a quick lay and will fade afterwards.

    But sometimes it’s more complicated than that. Sometimes a guy is into you, you have sex, and after that, he realizes that — for some totally unrelated reason — you aren’t a good fit. Sometimes a guy may think he’s really digging you and wants a relationship, but realizes after sex that it was actually more just physical attraction driving things. Put simply, it’s not always that guys are villains who are consciously lying to you so that they can sleep with you.

    To me, though, the most noteworthy part of your email is this:

    I don’t believe in causal dating and has always wanted long term relationships.

    Coupled with your attempts to ward off guys who “just want sex” (which, to you, seems to be…all guys), this quote suggests a few things. I’m gonna make a few guesses here. First, I’m guessing that you find early dating to be nerve-wracking and frustrating. Second, I’m guessing you fear the prospect of sleeping with a guy and winding up disappointed and hurt when he loses interest thereafter. Lastly, I’m guessing you look for some kind of commitment very early on in dating, or some sort of suggestion that this guy wants something serious with you.

    The thing is, early on, it’s all casual dating, in the sense that you don’t have any guarantees that things will get serious. People can lose interest for all manner of reasons, and you often won’t even know why they lost interest.

    Relationships and commitment takes time to develop, and yes, part of that involves sleeping with someone. No guy is going to say “You’re it for me” before sleeping with you, and even if he does, it’s not a guarantee. He could say that, sleep with you, and still lose interest. He could even mean it — in the moment — and lose interest down the road.

    I’d say you should really stop and think about just how badly you’d be hurt by this kind of disappointment. I mean, is it so awful that it’s worth being this defensive about it? Is the prospect of sleeping with someone and them deciding “Nah” afterwards so unbearable that you have to approach dating from such a guarded stance, particularly when doing so seems to universally drive people away? You gotta be able to let your guard down a little at least, or you’ll never be able to really connect with anyone.

  4. Damien Says:

    In my experience, if a woman likes me, she wants to have sex. If we are not having sex by the third date or so, she will start making sexual references which is code to get intimate.

    I have also experienced situations where a woman I date doesn’t show interest in getting intimate. In hindsight, every single one of those cases is because she was just not interested in me, or she was just ambivalent about any type of relationship for whatever psychological reason. It took me enough time to realize that dating these people are time wasters. I now identify these quickly and just move on, which has led to a much better and more productive dating life.

    It sounds like the guys described by the OP are realizing the same thing and moving on. There is some reason as to why the OP is not interested in any of the guys, or perhaps she is not interested in any type of relationship, despite her claims to the contrary.

  5. Fran Says:

    Maybe I am in the minority in here. I don’t know the complete dynamics of how you show up in the dating scenario, OP. But yes it does make sense to weed out guys who are wishy-washy earlier on and yes it does take some time before the masks come off. So wait until the masks come off before you decide to go any further and/or deeper. Get to know the other person over a period of time, assess for compatibility in other areas, see if you have some level of emotional connect before you decide to get exclusive. Maybe even casually date 2-3 people, so you can get a sense of what are you really looking for. That way you get to hold your standards, take your time to get to know the other person’s real motives and not get too invested too deeply in any one person right off the bat.

    Dating is also a two-sided affair, so if you say all the men you date seem to show this pattern, then it’s possible you too have some blind spots that you need to examine to see why this is the case. It’s best to get some neutral perspective from someone who knows you well in real life.

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