How Can She Avoid Meeting Frat Bros? #atwys

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): BostonGalo-FRAT-BROS-facebook
Comment: I recently moved to the Boston area and was looking to meet new guys. Around the time I moved, Tinder because the talk of the town, so, of course, I joined it. After a few flopped dates later, I removed myself from Tinder and tried to date the traditional way. A few dates went well, but nothing ever lasted for longer than 2 weeks- that’s the exact mark. They always get cold feet and say they are “not sure what they’re looking for” and “not sure what they’re doing with their lives”- despite them initiating the first date. I’m not sure if it is the type of guy I am attracted to (good looking, successful, loves his mama,social,works out) or me. I’ve seriously gone on dozens of dates already and have had no success at all. I’ve also realized that a lot of men that I am attracted to here in the Beantown have 3 priorities in their lives- money, the gym, and their bros. While I don’t tell them that, its a common trend amongst the men here.
The last man I dated for the whopping two weeks ended things with me because our personalities were too “Different” (um, yea, he went days without talking to me…his excuse was that he didn’t think it was that important). I was introduced to him by his sister.
I try not to come off as desperate at all either- I have my own business, travel a lot, work out, etc., so I’m not so wrapped up in relationships or obtaining one. I am just not sure where to go,what to do, how to meet new people. It seems impossible in this big city and at this point I just want to throw in the towel!
Any advice on the Boston dating scene and how a 26-year old female can succeed here?
Age: 26
City: Boston
State: MA

I think you’re dealing with two issues. First, if you’re dating guys your age or just a couple years older, then you’re dealing with guys who aren’t quite there yet in terms of looking for a relationship.  So my first suggestion would be to start dating guys a little older, say 34 or 35.

Boston is overrun with college students and post-grads. It’s hard to leave that lifestyle behind when every where you go you’re surrounded by frat bros drinking pitchers and buying $1 pizzas at Crossroads. It’s harder to move beyond that stage when you’re frequently interacting with people still living that particular lifestyle. Plus, you have a lot of grad students floating around because of all the prestigious educational institutions near by. That’s a lot of brahs.

When you go to school in a smaller city or town, most graduates have to leave that location in order to find a job. Boston offers the best of both worlds. Boston is a much smaller version of Manhattan in terms of the caliber of universities and jobs in the area. Same goes for other cities like Chicago and DC. You’ve got to start dating guys who have evolved past that time in their life. That means going for guys who are starting to think about wanting kids and who are a little bit more further along in their careers. My guess is that many guys start coming around to that point around 33 or 34.

The other problem you’re dealing with is the medium you’re using to meet these guys. Tinder is notoriously considered a hook-up app, especially  amongst the 25-35 age range. If you want to use technology to give your love life a nudge, then your best bet is to use dating site like Match or OKCupid. That way you have profiles to read and can bet a better idea of what these guys are looking for. Tinder is for getting quick dates. It is not for finding a relationship. It is what OKCupid used to be. Obviously, if a guy just posts a photo or two and doesn’t fill out his OKC or Match profile, he’s not looking for anything serious. But a person is more likely (but not guaranteed) to be looking for something more long lasting if they invest the time and money into a service instead of just uploading a free app.

Finally, give guys in the suburbs a chance. Alston, Brookline and Cambridge are college/grad student central. Look outside of Boston like Malden or Medford. Living in a big city means you’re always surrounded by options and temptations. That’s why men who live in the suburbs of Boston might be a better option for you. You don’t have to go too far outside the city, but you should certainly widen your geographical net a bit. I totally understand if you want to stay local. People who live in a big city have a certain mentality that the people who live in suburbs don’t. I can absolutely relate if you prefer to stick with people from the city. Just understand that you’re kind of swimming against the tide if you wish to avoid the frat bros and want to find someone looking for something serious. Big cities just don’t encourage or foster the idea of settling down.

If you want to mix it up and use offline methods, then start participating in activity groups that don’t involve meeting up at a bar. Join and get involved with some special interest groups. Join a wine tasting club or something similar. Don’t use the bar scene to meet guys if you’re looking for a relationship. Start asking friends if they can fix you up. Does that feel desperate? So what? You do what you have to do. Forget about how it looks.

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15 Responses to “How Can She Avoid Meeting Frat Bros? #atwys”

  1. Gray Says:

    So I might as well admit this before replying:
    I’m a guy, within this age range, live in Boston. But I’m not from Boston.

    So all I’ll say is this. I’m not going to tell my own “boo-hoo” stories and say “Oh! *Im* not that type of guy, I’m a nice guy!”, because really, who knows and who cares about those kind of replies from guys… but all I’ve found around this city is that where you go and who you hang out with makes world of difference in who you’ll meet. Even as a guy here… yes, it’s the type of guy you’re going for. I know plenty guys (some are even successful, workout hard and love their momma) but they’re not frat bros and they you won’t meet them at The Harp on a Saturday night… if your running into that a lot, you’re clearly running within a certain “clique” in the city. I’ve been around it myself and I broke out of it, believe me, there’s more out there to see in this city if you expand horizons a bit.

    I could write about the various cliques and social scenes I’ve found since moving here but that’s for a whole other day… just go explore it.

    • BTownGirl Says:

      I used to work around the corner from The Harp – thank you for the Nostalgia Moment haha!

      And, yes, sweet Jesus…don’t go there on a Saturday night.

  2. D. Says:

    Moxie’s take on this being partially due to age, and partially due to surroundings is dead-on. There are some guys who, in their mid-to-late 20s are looking to get serious (although they may not have a concrete idea of what that means). I can’t speak for anyone else, but I still had plenty of things to learn about life and especially about myself when I was in my mid-to-late 20s, and most of that period was about just dating around and seeing where things went. It wasn’t until I hit my 30s that I started really wanting to settle down.

    That said, you may not actually want to settle down, and that’s something else to consider. If you aren’t, I’d say a guy in the late-20s/early-30s range might be more your speed. He may not necessarily be “wife hunting” the way some guys in their mid-30s can be, but he’s likely not opposed to getting serious if it develops that way.

    Anyway, as for the websites, yeah, stay away from Tinder, unless you just want “a date.” If you want a relationship or the possibility of one, focus on other sites. Be aware also that OKCupid has (last I heard, anyway) an app that does offer a similar function as Tinder, so you may see some guys who basically don’t have a profile and only have pics. As Moxie pointed out, they’re treating OKCupid as another avenue to do the Tinder thing to increase their chances of a hookup. Caveat emptor.

  3. BTownGirl Says:

    BostonGal, I hear you! When I was your age, I kept sourcing my dates from Tia’s on Atlantic Ave. and wondering why I kept meeting…pretty much exactly the dudes your describing. (Will I still drink there? Yes, absolutely. Please.) In addition to Moxie’s suggestions, there are some seriously cute guys on the South Shore (grab some friends and take yourself down to Marina Bay in Quincy for the day…yes, there are some ‘roids and tank top dudes, but persevere). Personally, I live in a beach town on the North Shore, which isn’t too far from the city, but isn’t the greatest place to find single guys. I would say the North Shore exception would be Beverly, because there are a ton of office parks. Single dudes who don’t want to commute live there, so Dane Street Beach is a great bet while the weather is still nice. For in-city searching, the Back Bay is a great area to meet guys the age range Moxie suggests. Steer clear of the bars on Boylston Street and head to the more sophisticated places (Need an excuse to stop at the Taj for a champagne cocktail? I just gave you one. You’re welcome!). Have fun and let us know how it goes!! :)

    • Robyn Says:

      The Bristol Lounge Bar at the Four Seasons is also a good spot to try out on a Friday or Saturday evening if you’re after a more mature & sophisticated fella.

  4. Damien Says:

    Guys in their mid twenties to early thirties are still trying to hit on girls in their twenties that are still in their sexual experimentation stage. And the attention you get from those guys versus the competition amounts to what you are experiencing.

  5. Donnie K Says:

    Even though I haven’t visited Boston since that lazy ground ball ruined Bill Buckner’s life, I can empathize with the OP. She’s 26-year-old who’s bored with the post college scene.

    Moxie’s recommendations are spot on. Get off Tinder and start targeting men in their early 30’s.

    At the same time, isn’t this the same Moxie a few short month’s ago touted Tinder as the website that was going to “separate the wheat from the chaff” and put eHarmony out of business?

    As much as I love reading the advice and user feedback on this website, I’d love to hear an admission that Tinder is an absolute joke.

    • D. Says:

      It’s not a joke. It’s quite successful, to the point where other sites have attempted to emulate its functionality in their mobile apps.

      But it’s also NOT a good source for relationships, any more than, say, a drunken hookup at a bar would be. Could it happen? Sure. But it ain’t why people are there.

      Tinder is clearly quite successful with a particular demographic that, I suspect, is broader than Eharmony’s “Wanna get married? We’ll help you do it!” demographic.

  6. AG Says:

    Move out of Boston. That city is the worst for frat bros ever. Uck, the guys just suck there.

  7. HammersAndNails Says:

    Why is no one mentioning the unusual fact that she is expecting daily communication from a guy she has known for 2 weeks? Then complaining when she doesn’t get it. I’d bail to if a girl i’d been on two or three dates with started bitching that i went a whole day without talking to her.

    In those two weeks how many times are they seeing each other in person?

    • mindstar Says:

      I found it a little odd that she’s been on “dozens of dates” and NONE of them led to a relationship that lasted more than 2 weeks???

      HammersAndNails may have keyed on to something in that her communication style, which makes an early push for daily contact, was off putting to the men she met

      • HammersAndNails Says:

        It’s not just the every day thing. What kind of woman complains about anything at all in a “whopping two weeks”? Either suck it up or move on. These guys aren’t getting cold feet, they are politely excusing themselves from a situation they quickly realize they want no part of. Demands/requirements and complaints so early in the “relationship” are a huge red flag.

      • beantownbae Says:

        She did say “several days” though…To go from constant communication to none? That’s frustrating- just be honest to her and tell her its not gonna work! People aren’t going to improve unless someone critiques them.

  8. Damien Says:

    I was visiting Boston this weekend and it was awesome eye candy seeing all the available young women coming back to university. The ratio of women to men are increasing across many university professional programs. Where dating and sex are concerned, this is a great time to be a guy in school, where the prospects for men are better than they were as recently as half a generation ago.

    As for those just finished university let me offer this point: on the plane back, some young expat guy from Sweden was telling me that the standards for young careerists in Boston is very high because of all the highly educated people in the area.

    The OP is facing stiff competition from women younger than herself, and also from successful career driven post-university women.

    So she’s got to be more open to different options. Take the onus to approach guys. Don’t hang out with other women, which tends to intimate men trying to hit on her. Going into places along is the best way to get hit on.

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