Are Guys Really Turned Off By A Woman Who Doesn’t Want Commitment? #atwys

You guise!articleroundup

The Frisky premiered it’s new column entitled, “Dater XY” as a companion column for the Dater X series.

Here’s his first installment.


After that night, The Teacher and I started seeing each other two or three times a week and spending the night at each other’s flat on most occasions. We usually had a lot of sex when we saw each other, but our relationship wasn’t just about sex. We did things most couples do. We went out on dates (dinner, hiking, etc) every week, I cooked her dinner and when she got sick, I’d brought over soup. I couldn’t have been happier with where we stood; I enjoyed spending time with her regardless of what we were doing.

I assumed The Teacher felt the same way, even though we still hadn’t had “the talk.” You know, “the talk” that defines the relationship once and for all. By that point, it was almost April. The fact we hadn’t sat down to talk about our status as a couple hadn’t crossed my mind, because we saw each other all the time and seemingly did everything a couple would do. I had taken my online dating profile down a while back as I wanted to focus on her and her alone. Plus, we were having fun! Why make things weird by asking her to define it?


There are a lot of things about this story that give me pause. A lot.

One of my friends summed the essay up best. ” ‘I wanted a relationship and all she wanted was sex’ said no guy ever.”

It’s not that I don’t believe that there are any men out there that could possibly want a relationship. I’m not that cynical. It’s that something about this story just doesn’t fit.  Like Dater X, the story hits a lot of the dating tropes and cliches we often here about, like how he brought her soup when she was sick. (Do people actually do that?) That will automatically ring my bells.

The other thing that trips my trigger is the author’s use of Briticisms like “flat” when he’s allegedly from The South. It was clarified in the comments that he was born and grew up in The South but moved to Europe for a short time and then returned back to The States and now resides in New England. A few years in another country doesn’t typically change your natural vernacular/lexicon, at least not permanently. If you’re American, then use of terms that are unique to another country like “flat” or “lift” or “loo” just makes you seem pretentious and disingenuous.

I get that the point of the column is probably to turn the tables on common dating-related issues and confusions, but to me it felt like the gender roles were flipped across the board, save for the anger and frustration a woman would feel had this very scenario happened to her. Strange.

In any case, I thought this was an interesting article and wanted to share it. Enjoy!



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28 Responses to “Are Guys Really Turned Off By A Woman Who Doesn’t Want Commitment? #atwys”

  1. DMN the Wise Says:

    “Are Guys Really Turned Off By A Woman Who Doesn’t Want Commitment?”

    Not so relevant to the Dater XY article but, if the question is whether it’s a “turn off,” then my answer would be it could, yes, though it’s never actually happened. A woman who say she “just wants sex, without commitment” is not being honest.

    ”‘I wanted a relationship and all she wanted was sex’ said no guy ever.”

    Yes, but not because guys don’t want relationships. But, because there is no such thing, in real life, as a woman who just wants sex. Seriously. It’s easy to get women to commit. And, show me a woman who actually wants to sleep with you, and I’ll show you a woman who wants you to be her boyfriend.

    tl;dr version: the Dater XY story is a fugazi.

  2. BostonRobin Says:

    No way a guy wrote that. What guy takes a woman to bed and stops at “second base???” Isn’t that what the sofa is for?

    You nailed it with the comment about the fanfic–it’s like Dater X’s Imaginary Future Boyfriend come to life. Isn’t he perfect!

  3. ATWYSingle Says:

    The story is completely fake. If I interpreted his comments on the post correctly, I’m pretty sure it was written by one of their frequent male comment. That automatically makes him suspect since he loiters around a lady blog every day.

  4. AC Says:

    My first instinct was the story is fake. I Find the Dater X and Jane XO columns to be a complete waste of time and prefer reader questions.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Oh, gee. I’ll start making your reader experience a priority then.

    • Gabi Says:

      Why? I actually find Moxie’s commentary on these other columns to be incredibly illuminating when compared to reader questions. With the questions it’s almost glaringly obvious what the answer should be, but when analyzing/providing commentary on the columns it provides insight into these supposed accepted “truths” that are actually just total bullshit. I think reading Moxie’s take on these things has educated me and opened my eyes to things i would normally blindly accept rather than challenge their validity.

      • AC Says:

        Illuminating? What’s “illuminating” about reading an article that obviously fake? If anything these commentaries venture into the land of analysis paralysis. I find it to be counterproductive rather than “illuminating”.”

  5. D. Says:

    From reading the piece…yeah, there’s something that just rings false about it, particularly in the writing style.

    Even the general content I COULD believe as coming from a guy. Granted, an atypical guy, but there are guys who want relationships and who aren’t really that interested in casual sex. Likewise, there are guys who might be timid about when/how to transition a relationship from “casual dating” to “serious, exclusive relationship.” All of that stuff, in theory at least, is somewhat believable. But something about the writer’s voice…it just…seems “constructed.” And this is in a way that’s even more manufactured than Dater X’s stuff. I get what Moxie’s getting at when she thinks that a woman might’ve written this. There’s something about the writing that just…doesn’t seem like a guy wrote it. Sentence structure, word choice, I don’t know what it is, but something’s off.

    Anyway, as for the underlying question of “Can a guy be turned off by a woman who doesn’t want to commit,” yeah, absolutely, if he wants to commit to her. The thing is, I think most guys will simply walk away once they figure out she’s not interested in him. Those who don’t walk away will likely only go through that experience once in their lives, after which they’ll learn when to say “Fuck it” and bail.

  6. ATWYSingle Says:

    Apparently I misinterpreted that guy’s comment in the thread. I thought he was admitting to writing it. He didn’t write it.

    If I were to speculate – and I will because it’s my thing – that post sounds like it was written by a British guy. It’s overly stylized to the point where it’s too well written. Impeccable grammar, impressive word choices (i.e. apace) and it is verbose as fuck. He also uses phrases like “queued up” and “flat” which are common British terms, at least “flat” is.

    The only time I’ve ever encountered that kind of verbosity is when reading letters from readers from The UK and when reading emails from British dudes. They take FOREVER to get to the point and can make the simplest of thoughts complex.

    Whomever wrote it is also pretty knowledgeable about the common dating issues that stymie most women. This guy writes like a girl.

  7. LostSailor Says:

    but my friends called it “booty call plus.” Not exactly a relationship … but something more than a weekly hookup.

    Uh, it’s Friends-with-Benefits. And such things usually fail when one party gets too invested and wants “more.” In my book, booty-calls are straight up just sex. If true, he certainly ruined a good thing.

    like how he brought her soup when she was sick. (Do people actually do that?)

    Yeah, I’ve done this. I’ve also brought soup to sick friends whom I’m not banging. But then my chicken soup is awesome, rumored to cure the blind, heal the lame, and possibly raise the dead (haven’t tested that one yet). And it’s awesome yummy. Also available in the Greek “Avgolemono” version.

    This guy writes like a girl.

    It’s on The Frisky. What did you expect? I predict at some point this column will go full-on emo…

    • Hard ache Says:

      Raise the dead!!? I need some for me girlfriend! Our sex life is shite!

    • Kate Says:

      I would never bring soup to anyone. Maybe I’m a heartless chick.

    • D. Says:

      I’ve brought soup over to a girlfriend before. But I haven’t done so for someone I was just casually dating.

      Actually, that portion of the article struck me as further evidence that the piece was either “cooked” to appeal to The Frisky’s audience, or was simply written by a woman. The soup reference was part of this litany of things that “couples do together,” offered as if it was sort of evidence that they were, indeed, a couple, or at least to explain why Dater XY supposedly thought this was serious or whatever.

      It struck me as the kind of thing that typically gets cited to by a woman as evidence that some guy led her on or at least sent mixed messages, to justify why it was reasonable for her to believe that they were something more than they were.

      In my experience, if a guy ends up in a situation where he’s in “dating limbo” like this, even over a prolonged period of time, he’s not deluding himself that these gestures have real meaning. Like, the guy isn’t saying “But I don’t understand! I brought her soup! Doesn’t that mean something?” To be fair, many, many women wouldn’t say that either, but when stuff like that happens, it almost always seems to be women having assumed that the man was on the same page as them.

      There was a certain degree of…hmm…I guess you could call it “passivity” that ran throughout the whole Dater XY piece, which is (for good or ill) typically associated with how women behave in a dating context. Making assumptions that gestures = meaningful, afraid to bring up the subject of their “status,” etc.

      I just don’t see a guy doing that. I don’t mean to say that a guy wouldn’t wait around for a woman to commit, but I think he’d do so knowing that he was waiting on her, rather than assuming she was on the same page as him. Likewise, I can see a guy making various couple-y gestures, but doing so more as a way to coax things into becoming serious because he knows it isn’t serious.

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        There was a certain degree of…hmm…I guess you could call it “passivity” that ran throughout the whole Dater XY piece,

        Yes. Exactly. The writer’s voice is exceptionally passive. He’s like, “Oh well. Whatevs. Next.”

        This is definitely written by a man, but it’s a man tailoring his writing to a female audience. This guy is also a professional writer. If you read enough of this junk the way I do, you know that these essays are rarely this seamless.

        I have a strong suspicion of who wrote this.

  8. Kate Says:

    The Frisky is just so ridiculous. I can’t take anything there seriously; same as Xoxojane. Men and women just posting nonsense.

  9. rick Says:

    there are a lot of women out there who are interested in getting laid without a relationship. I am surprised that anyone would think that never happens. so fucking sexist and traditional and at the same time so cynical about romance. why shouldn’t someone bring soup to somebody if they are sick?? no guy ever wanted a relationship with a woman who wanted to just get laid? you’re a moron.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I should probably clarify that the bit about the soup stuck out to me as contrived because it’s something so often used on TV and in movies. I’ve definitely run to Duane Reade and picked up prescriptions or cared for someone when they weren’t feeling well. But the chicken soup thing is such a cliche that it came off as fake to me.

      And yes, there are plenty of women who are content with not defining a relationship. The problem was how this particular woman was written.

      The reason why I believe this was written by a man is because the post is almost devoid of any emotion. I was reading an article a few weeks ago about writing male vs female characters, and one thing the article pointed out was that male characters are typically written as focusing on the facts/details of a scenario and women characters are usually presented as focusing on the emotion of a particular experience. Sexist? Yeah. But somewhat accurate. This essay is full of details but lacks emotion.

    • Frank Says:

      Amen brother; read my post. What can I say? Casual sex is just not for me. I’m sure there are lots of guys who think and feel like me, just too proud or foolish to admit it. My girlfriend started out talking about running away together; trips out of the country; plans, plans, plans. When I bit, that’s when she wanted to take it slowly, a little at a time. Women can be commitment phones; guys can feel played; we’re all the same.

    • Crotch Rocket Says:

      “there are a lot of women out there who are interested in getting laid without a relationship. I am surprised that anyone would think that never happens.”

      I have no doubt it happens; I have several such female friends. What is suspicious to me is when a woman needs to “look for” casual sex, much less announces such. If she really just wants to get laid, she can scroll through her phone and find a dozen candidates within minutes; it’s no more difficult than ordering a pizza. So, I assume she’s actually looking for something more and just using casual sex as a cover.

  10. ThatFatBish Says:

    I think there are some guys who found themselves involved with women they wanted more from and it didn’t happen, so it’s not outside the realm of possibility.

    And there are women who want sex without the responsibility of a relationship. I am at that place right now and it is working for me because I am spending time with someone when I want to and not having to do all that other relationship stuff. Have I always been that way? No. Could I change my mind down the road? Sure.

    I just think it’s dangerous to talk in absolutes.

  11. Frank Says:

    What’s with this double standard about men always afraid of commitment and women always looking for more than sex? Of course there are men who want more than sex and there are women who don’t. The trade isn’t always sex for dinner/drinks.
    I’ m a guy and am in that right now. Been seeing a wonderful woman for many months now. Sex has been great but I want more; not real sure she does. We went away for a great weekend which strengthened my desire for a deeper relationship. A few days later, SHE started to fade. MY heart is broken; she needs “space.” I’M looking to give more; she seems to be happy with fwb. Life’s a b@?$h and then you die. Thoughts?

    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      When are you having the talk? Stop all this pining stuff.

      • Frank Says:

        Thanks Greg… That’s my point. I already had the talk with her; she wants to slow it down. Normally I’d just comply, and look at my options. But we literally just came off a glorious romantic weekend. So I’m still dazed. Is she simply afraid of commitment, wants to know her own mind and heart, or am I simply being played after all this time? Moving on might be prudent; the situation is just painful and baffling. That was the point of my post: guys can find themselves in the same crazy place as women when two people aren’t on the same page.

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