Men Can Be Drama Queens Too #atwys

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Confused and Heartbrokendatingwomen

Comment: Three and a half years ago I moved back to my current town after a couple of years living out of state. I had just had a bad break up with my fiance who was cheated on me with an old flame.

I was housesitting for my boss and his wife, and knowing that I was heartbroken they left a hiking map of our area, some relavent books, and a note encouraging me to find a hiking group, get out there and start living again. So I found an outdoor enthusiast group that had just been started by a couple in my area. It was just what I needed, and I became friends with the couple and made a lot of friends.

Flash forward a couple of years, I was coming out of another horrible break up and had lost touch with that group. Mainly because the man I was dating didn’t want me to have a social life beyond him. (possessive)

When I started joining in activities again the group was now being run by just the male friend. I knew his gf had moved away and had been gone for about a year, but didn’t ask any questions. He seemed to be VERY interested in me and wanted to hang out and where things stood with his relationship was fairly ambiguous. He was a good friend, and I didn’t ask questions. I was too entangled in drama with my ex to even consider anything with anyone at the time.

We ended up spending a lot of time together in group situations, and alone. He didn’t make any advances, but there was a a very strong underlying attraction. I assumed (correctly) that he was respecting where I was at emotionally and that he was still hoping to work things out with her.

She started texting and emailing me out of the blue, very hostile and accusing me of sleeping with him. It was weird because we weren’t involved at all, and I there was still no clarification on what exactly their relationship status was. It became clear through messages that he was using me to make her jealous. He went MIA on me for about a month, then texted to say he was trying to make it work with her again and that he’d was sorry to drop our friendship, but did it to appease her.

Apparently they didn’t work out, and he kept making attempts to contact me directly or through mutual friends….which I ignored.

Finally, another four months down the road he reached out again by text and asked if we could please get together and catch up. I KNEW he wanted to date me and was hesitant to open that door. I was attracted to him and didn’t want to get hurt again. My gut instinct told me to just give him a chance, so we went out.

He told me that he and his ex had officially ended it months ago, that he had wanted me since the day we first met again, and he was ready. He had waited to pursue me until he had put his relationship with her behind him.

We ended up dating, and falling hard and fast. Like I knew we would. The first time we held hands it was electric, as was sex down the road. I have never connected with any man that deeply.

Then just after things had started he announced that he was moving and didn’t know how long he would be gone. Maybe three months, 6 months, a year…..I was devastated but tried to be supportive. I wanted to stay together and make it work and he wasn’t sure he wanted the commitment. He said that if he wasn’t leaving there would be no question…he would be all in.

He asked me to give him time and still keep dating him. He said he loved me, and that we had started out as friends and he didn’t want to lose that. He wasn’t sure he could make a commitment, but wanted to continue until he left and stay in touch…so that we could be together down the road.

Ironically, at about this time his ex emailed him. He was honest about the contact and said that she had just written him to let him know why she had ended there relationship. He ranted about it for about a half and hour, and it was clear that his heart was still with her.

I hung in there because I love him, and I believed that he loved me too. He began selling off all his belongings, his business, and was hyper focused on moving and started to become a bit detached. It was hard to sit and watch him making plans to leave just when he had so heavily pursued me. I had been making my own plans to visit family out of state and thought maybe I should just go before he leaves, to take my mind off the heartache. He begged me to make my travel arrangements for when he was leaving and to have a week long “stay-cation” with him, since we hadn’t had much quality time together for a couple weeks. So, of course, I put my plans on hold.

Things were seemingly okay. He really seemed to want to make things work. He told me he loved me regularly, even in front of his family making me think he was legitimate.

Then, a half an hour before meeting for plans he sent me a text bomb saying that he was never coming back, that he could never see me or talk to me again, and that I could hate him for it or know that I was loved no matter what and smile.

I was shocked since an hour before that he had told me he loved me and how excited he was to see me. WTF?

I didn’t handle it well. He said if I wanted to talk by phone about it we could that night or the next day….and I told him I never wanted to talk to him again……..(not true and immature, I know)

He texted a simple “I’m sorry” and my response was “Fuck You”

I am really confused. I have known this man for years. Why would he work so hard, and for so long to pursue me…..only to drop me like a hot rock and never want contact again….and after begging me to not to close the door on us?

We are both in our late thirties, and have children. I was married for a long time, he never married.

My mother thinks he’s a commitment phobe, and that if his feelings were really genuine he’ll come around. Maybe he will. I don’t know. If he did, I don’t know how I would handle it. Right now I am just hurt and struggling to understand why he would flip the switch so quickly…and just cut and run.

I have had men asking me out since suddenly becoming single and have no desire to date. My heart isn’t in it and I would be misleading someone if I did. At this juncture in my life, and after this experience I just don’t know if I can really trust anyone again. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for trusting in him.

Any thoughts on what is behind this weird behavior?
Age: 35
City: Somewhere
State: CA

First, he’s a toxic Drama Queen and you need to stay away from him. Second, understand right now that none of this was out of the blue. None of it. This guy always knew he was going to ditch you eventually. He wasn’t torn or confused or any of the other excuses he used to explain why he did this. I’m sure he believes that because he’s probably repeated that story so often that it’s now his reality. He’s just as selfish person who thrives off of creating situations where he can feel important.

The fact that his ex-girlfriend/girlfriend/whatever is contacting you means he’s either telling her about you or doing whatever he can to make sure she becomes aware of your existence. That way she can feel threatened and get in a snit and they can fight and he can get a woody from all of it.

Drama Queen.

Of course he offers to talk to you by phone and explain himself. It’s an opportunity to talk about himself and listen to you squirm and be hurt. He waited until he was safely out the door before dropping the bomb. That was intentional. He built you up and built you up and then – BOOM!- dropped you like a hot rock. That makes for some spectacular fireworks.

Drama Queen.

And OF COURSE his ex or whomever she is is sending you nasty emails and getting all worked up because she believes you’re sleeping with her man. That’s what he wants her to think. He wants her to feel threatened. He wants to push her buttons. That way he can swoop in and calm her the fuck down and do something to save the day. How tedious and exhausting.

Drama Queen.

I will bet money he’s back with his Ex and was always going to get back with his Ex and used you to make that happen. That’s why he cut you off “out of the blue.”

Confident, secure, mature people don’t engage in this behavior. They don’t rile up their partners or Exes. They don’t typically date people who are prone to temperamental outbursts like the ones his Ex displayed. Confident, secure, mature people don’t usually engage in that sort of thing. Immature and insecure people do. Water always seeks its own level in those situations, so you can be sure that his Ex is as big of a Drama Queen as he is.

You believed him because he worked very hard to make sure you believed him. That way, when he did pull the rug out from under you, it would provide maximum impact. I’m sure he’ll come around in a year or so and apologize and tell you how much it bothers him that he hurt you and Oh My God, PLEASE DON’T HATE ME! And then you’ll forgive him and he’ll get what he wanted and disappear.

He’s not a commitmentphobe. he’s not torn between two lovers. He’s not trying to find himself. He’s a weak, cowardly little douchebag who needs to create drama around himself to feel important.

Walk away.

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11 Responses to “Men Can Be Drama Queens Too #atwys”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    Yup. I was friends with a couple who broke up and the woman moved out of state. Several months later the guy messaged me on Facebook asking me for a drink. I was like, “Huh, I thought they were kinda on-again, off-again. Something stinks about this.” I told the guy thanks but I’m moving out of town in two weeks (which was true).

    That was it. Maybe two months later the ex-GF sent me this pissed off message wondering what went down with us. Um, exactly what I typed here, and that was it. He was obviously building it up to be something more to get back at her or win her back or some stupid jazz.

    Beyond this guy I noticed a pattern of the OP’s relationships seeming exhausting and needing very long recovery times…to the point that her friends notice and give her self-help books? Someone’s got a bad man picker and needs therapy (and really, just about everyone benefits from therapy, so don’t take that as some snotty dig).

  2. fuzzilla Says:

    **Confident, secure, mature people don’t engage in this behavior.**

    No, they don’t. And sorry, OP, but confident and secure people also bail when someone behaves this way toward them.

    Moxie often says, “Maybe you (the royal you) will end up alone, and That’s Okay.” I had a real “come to Jesus” moment when I dated someone really awful and thought, “Is it *really* that bad being single? So bad that I’d put up with this complete and utter shitbag just to say I’m dating? Hell no.”

    The point isn’t to say, “Just give up on men and start herding cats,” it’s to kind of trick yourself into being pickier and being okay with gaps in your dating life. Being alone isn’t better than being in a good relationship, but it’s like a luxury spa retreat compared to being with someone horrible. (For the record I’ve been dating someone since mid-July and things are going swimmingly).

    Tl; dr – I have a feeling the OP might be one of those types that always has to be in a relationship and feels lost without one. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but it sure would explain a lot.

  3. Greg Figueroa Says:

    The text is the post it of our generation. That was sucky way to do it and I love when people offer ” please don’t hate me for doing the shitty thing. Are you mad?” He will come around again on a very temporary basis and the OP will probably entertain it to “hear him out.” I would recommend blocking all communication attempts with him. If he does reach the OP, just ignore and block.

  4. D. Says:

    I disagree with Moxie.

    Don’t walk away.

    RUN the fuck away.

  5. Donnie K Says:

    I read 3/4 of the letter and stopped.

    This letter is exhausting.

    The behavior of the guy the OP’s obsessing over is exhausting.

    I know this will come off as sounding judgmental but the OP needs to take a long hard look in the mirror. This guy is a drama queen, no doubt about it. At the same time, she let this happen.

  6. mindstar Says:

    To the OP do not, repeat DO NOT, have any further contact with this guy, or his ex. Both are toxic.

    That being said your lengthy post shows a history of painful dramatic breakups. The only constant in all your prior relationships is you.

    As others have said you appear to need to be in a relationship even if it’s painful, toxic and an utter waste of time and effort.

    Take a break and get you head clear. You will never be able to stand along side someone unless you can stand by yourself.

  7. E-B Says:

    “I have had men asking me out since suddenly becoming single and have no desire to date. My heart isn’t in it…”

    The worst part of drama queens is that they elicit such strong positive emotions that they can consume your life. Sadly, relationships with stable, mature people often don’t generate the same passion, but they are more sustainable and avoid the negative spells.
    Haven’t been through the situation with female drama queens, I recommend dating someone even if you don’t have a lot of desire for them. It will help reset things and make it easier to move forward. I know that’s easier said than done, but that’s all I got.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Hmm. I wonder how long her dating breaks are. She shouldn’t be dating if she’s just gonna fill the guy’s ear full of ex- stories and/or just jump right into the same ol’ patterns, having learned nothing. On the other hand, if she’s dragging out the “I’m just not ready” phase for 6+ months…yeah, it could be an abundance vs. scarcity mentality thing, where dating for practice and exposure to different types of people could be just what the doctor ordered.

  8. Yvonne Says:

    “At this juncture in my life, and after this experience I just don’t know if I can really trust anyone again. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for trusting in him.”

    Another dating adviser I’ve read has a great quote, “Believe the negatives, ignore the positives”. Sometime we want to be in a relationship so badly that we ignore the red flags, and I get the sense that this is what the OP has been doing. She mentions the ex-fiance who cheated, the ex-boyfriend who was overly possessive and controlling, and now this guy, who sounds unreliable and manipulative.

    The OP writes, “It became clear through messages that he was using me to make (his girlfriend) jealous.” That is a big, glaring red flag, but even after acknowledging this, she went back to him, “I was attracted to him and didn’t want to get hurt again. My gut instinct told me to just give him a chance, so we went out.” Actually, I think her gut instinct was that this guy was dangerous, but she ignored that because of the physical attraction, and because of his pursuit of her.

    So my advice would be not to ignore the red flags, because even if a man tells you he loves you, actions speak louder than words. It’s up to you to evaluate if a man’s actions fall within your comfort zone.

  9. LostSailor Says:

    I agree with Moxie and the commentariat that the OP should not have any further contact with this man. He may or may not be a weak, cowardly little douchebag who needs to create drama around himself to feel important and ultimately it’s kind of irrelevant.

    What he is, is a master manipulator. He planned and played out his manipulation with care and precision. Maybe he’s a cowardly drama queen, or maybe he’s worse, a cold, narcissistic man who will do whatever it takes to get what he wants, the emotional damage be damned (or ever worse, a sadistic little payoff).

    We’ve all probably encountered men and women like this, charming and cold by turns. And I think Moxie’s right, in spite of his declaration to never return or speak to the OP again, he’ll turn up again. OP should definitely not respond.

    But the OP’s main question isn’t necessarily about this asshole. it’s this:

    I just don’t know if I can really trust anyone again. Hell, I’m pissed at myself for trusting in him.

    The thing is that manipulators can only succeed if we let them. Drama queens can only get their fix if we let them. But the OP’s question also has the seed of understanding and healing. The first part for the OP is understanding her own behavior. As Donnie K and Mindstar note, the OP seems to have a history of “dramatic” relationships and break ups (I was too entangled in drama with my ex). Really looking at her own behavior and why she lets this happen repeatedly will help her recognize the red flags in the future.

    It’s not necessarily about the OP trusting another man again, it’s more that she needs to understand whether she has some hidden compulsion for drama and deal with that. Once she develops that–as well as a better drama radar–she can trust herself. Which is where all trust in relationships needs to begin…

  10. Tara Says:

    Op, this man sounds like a little pussy to me. Run, please.

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