If They’re Texting You But Not Dating You, They’re Not Interested #atwys

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Zel1674datetext

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Comment: I recently came across this guy on OKCupid. This guy was interesting, attractive, and the right age range – a combination that almost never happens for me. Thanks to OKCupid, I knew we were highly compatible and had both rated each other at least 4/5…

He initiated contact, and we spent the next few days exchanging 30-40 messages. The next two weeks were a bit slower, but we’re still going at about 1 message per day here. Several times I have allowed the conversation to come to an end (i.e. sending a reply message with no follow-up question, to make sure he’s not replying out of politeness), and he has continued it by sending me new questions.

I like him, but I want to be careful not to seem too needy, so I have tried to “play it cool” and write to him at the same rate. I certainly haven’t been bombarding him with messages or replying instantly.

Still, it confuses me and makes me feel uneasy that he’s writing so infrequently, even if he is consistently writing to me. On one hand, someone who’s on a dating site looking for “dating” is presumably interested in the person they keep writing. On the other hand, if he were so interested in me, why would that not be clearer?

Am I delusional to think he is interested, or am I being paranoid about the frequency of his messages?
Age: 25
City: New Town
State: ND

This guy was interesting, attractive, and the right age range – a combination that almost never happens for me.

Okay. Let’s start here. This, to me, is a red flag. When someone out of the norm contacts me, I wonder what’s up. Let’s face it. Online dating is rarely ever this easy. If you’re not coming across many profiles that interest you, or sending a ton of messages and not getting many/any responses, then that’s a pretty good sign that you’re batting out of your league. That’s pretty much what I said to this woman who wrote for xoJane last week about how she’s sent out a ton of messages and gotten no responses and only received 2 emails total in the month or two she’s been on the site.  I think her problem is that she’s batting spectacularly out of her league as well as using a site with a ton fo dead profile. 2 messages in a month is suspiciously low for a woman in her twenties on a dating site.

Zel, there are two red flags here, each of which lead me to the same conclusion. First,  you get contacted by someone you actually like, which is rare for you. Second, he spends weeks texting you without asking you out. And then there’s the whole rating thing. Now, previously I was a fan of the rating option on OKCupid. That was before they implemented this Tinder-esque feature where you swipe left or right depending on whether you’re interested in someone. It shows you nothing about their profile other than their age, location, and one photo. I’ve now begun to feel as though rating is for people who are kinda interested but not sure or for those just whipping through the Quickmatch feature and liking everybody who isn’t totally unfortunate. If they are interested, my feeling is they’ll email you right of the bat.

I’ll say this again: if they spend more than a few days messaging with you without asking you to meet, move it along. They’re either not interested, hiding something, or keeping you on the roster for when they have no other options. Period. End of Sentence. Full Stop.

On one hand, someone who’s on a dating site looking for “dating” is presumably interested in the person they keep writing. On the other hand, if he were so interested in me, why would that not be clearer?

Yes, and someone interested in dating would be, you know, dating, not texting for weeks on end. You’re focusing on the wrong thing. You should be wondering why this guy hasn’t asked you to meet in real life. Instead of testing him to see if he’ll reply, you should be suggesting that you meet. Just go into that date with the lowest of expectations. If he doesn’t commit to a night to meet, or balks, you have your answer.

My guess is that this guy was just sort of throwing something up against the wall to see what sticks. He responds to your texts now to be polite and just in case he finds himself bored and wanting to go out or to get laid.

 

 

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14 Responses to “If They’re Texting You But Not Dating You, They’re Not Interested #atwys”

  1. D. Says:

    Honestly, at this point, I wouldn’t even bother asking the guy if he ever is gonna ask you out. I mean, sure, you could ask him, but chances are, he’ll say “Oh, sure! What would you like to do?” and then you’ll tell him and you’ll go do that, and eventually this will fizzle anyway. To the extent this guy is actually looking to date at all, my guess is he’s looking for something very, very casual with you. No clue what he wants in general, but it’s pretty clear from his behavior that he wants something casual with you. So, rather than reverse-ask-him-out (e.g. invite him to invite you to do what you’re gonna end up suggesting to do anyway), I’d just…fade on the guy. Stop contacting him. Give him closed-ended responses if he doesn’t get the hint, and move on. Focus your energy elsewhere.

    To be honest, though, I’m not even entirely sure you are all that interested in dating him. It seems like you like the idea of this guy, but are in no particular rush to determine whether the idea matches reality. Hence, no mention in your letter about “So, what’s up here? How come he’s not asking me out?” Instead, you’re focusing on whether your virtual relationship is progressing appropriately.

    Right now, you don’t have a relationship. You have a texting buddy. I mean, chrissakes, he could be a sophisticated computer program for all you know. And neither of you seems all that keen to take things from the realm of texting to the real world. If that’s the case, then I’d guess that, deep down, you know Moxie’s telling the truth when she says “Something tells me this guy is out of your league.” I’m guessing you know it too, and you’re not eager to shatter the fantasy.

    My advice: just walk away from it. Pursuing this probably won’t end well. Or, hey, ignore me, touch the hot stove, and learn that doing so is a bad idea. Either way works.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 34 Thumb down 0

    • Nicole Says:

      I agree… Sounds like this guy has no interest in meeting in person.

      It could be because he’s out of her league and keeping her around as an ego boost or second tier option. Or maybe he’s scared to meet because he lied about everything on his profile/used his best friend’s pictures/is actually a space alien.

      Doesn’t really matter – the real question is why the OP is spending all her time texting him (and over-analyzing when to text him!) instead of focusing on finding guys who actually want to date her.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 0

  2. Kyra Says:

    Why play these games? If you want to go out with the guy ask him, or make it obvious that you’re free on certain days and open to meeting. Ending conversations to see “if he’s really interested” is not going to get you anywhere.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

  3. Nicole Says:

    That xojane article was bizarre. Ok, she didn’t get replies from the guys she messaged, that happens, but then she claims she never got messages from any guys… what??? Not even the “hi how r u?” or “text me sexy here’s my #” stuff that clutters every inbox?

    When I first signed up for online dating, I got a few dozen messages in the time it took me to fill out my profile. No text, no pictures, and the messages were already coming in. Happened on both OKC and eharmony. And I have read that plenty of other women have the same experience.

    If she was writing about only getting messages from guys she’s not interested in, and not hearing back from men she messaged, the “shooting out of her league” theory would make sense – but only receiving 2messages over a month??? Was she maybe on some small niche dating site with very few people in her area or something?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      It kind of look like okcupid. 2 message is very peculiar in a big city like Philly. So we’re not getting the whole story.

      I didn’t bring this up on that article thread: online dating is one problem for her and her actually dating will be the other.

      No matter what tips we share with people, a bad mindset will always undermine everything.

      Op, should just ask the guy out and stop the pussyfooting around. Most guys want to make the period from initial contact to real life date as short as possible. This guy doesn’t sound interested.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

  4. LostSailor Says:

    The only thing to say about the OP is that texting is not dating. Moxie and the commentariat are right: if he hasn’t suggested meeting up within a couple of days–even if a mutual open time is days away–he’s not really interested. There’s nothing there. Move on.

    But the XOJ lady should realize why she fails, but she doesn’t.

    She’s an introvert who would rather spend time with her cat. She labels her attempts at flirting in person as “lame” She had her friend write her profile that said she has to force herself to do new things, can’t cook, is “addicted” to”peanut butter smoothies” and Muppets, and the cat again. This is the section about what type of person she’s looking for. And that person should view life as “awkward” and should “force” her to be more spontaneous.

    She’s apparently a communications major who claims to be a “writer and marketer.” And she had her friend write her profile for her.

    But more important, she was convinced that online dating was some sort of magical “ideal,” where she could “peruse a catalog of men ‘selected’ specifically for [her].” No pick-up lines, able to put her “best self first.”

    People seem to think that they can craft a more perfect persona online, but the true nature still seems to come through. Ms. Bendig had too high expectations about online dating (we know it’s often harder than meeting people offline) and expectations that she could change herself by going online.

    She’s just out of college. And frankly, a nerdy, awkward introvert who prefers the company of her cat is going to have trouble in that dating environment.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 2

  5. Tara Says:

    I agree with the others: He’s not interested, move on. Don’t waste anymore time playing his texting game.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  6. bbdawg Says:

    OP, you can either no longer reply to him or just reply politely, “it’s been nice chatting with you let me know if you’d like to meet in person as I am not looking for a texting buddy. In any case, good luck with everything!”

    There was one person I was chatting for a while on Tinder and I told him I was getting off that site, that he was welcome to email me to schedule a meeting but that I wasn’t interested in spending so much time chatting. I’d spend 20 mins or so on and off for a two or three days typing on the phone when I could meet him and get it over with. He was “ok” I guess but I thought “why not” we should just meet, but people who show signs of too much idealization on emails/texts raise red flags for me.

    He understood the message, we did meet for a coffee one day, and, as expected, we did not click. There is a reason people like to chat, it’s because they can maintain whatever illusion they are looking to keep.

    Emailing/texting is very low investment, and it is a waste of time after the basics, in my opinion. One big deal about online dating is how quickly you have to move along and to let go of people who are wasting your time. It is a big deal considering nothing, I mean NOTHING will make up for spending time with someone. That is when “truth” comes out.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

  7. Eliza Says:

    Yep, move it along…shit or get off the pot as they say! If your time is valuable, why are you wasting it on meaningless texting. 30-40 messages?! Omfg. What is the point?
    Meet first, and then you may not even want to be in touch! If people hide behind their monitors and digital devices, there is a reason for that.

    Next….

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  8. AC Says:

    Everyone’s advice is on point. If the OP is going to take anything away from this it’s that:

    “Emailing/texting is very low investment, and it is a waste of time after the basics, in my opinion. One big deal about online dating is how quickly you have to move along and to let go of people who are wasting your time.(bbdawg)”

    “If your time is valuable, why are you wasting it on meaningless texting. 30-40 messages?! Omfg. What is the point? (Eliza)”

    The bottom line is what Moxie said: “someone interested in dating would be, you know, dating, not texting for weeks on end.”

    There’s a lot of interesting points as well.

    About the XO Jane article, this what stood out most:

    “Twenty men that were perfect for me based on my personality and interests were not interested in me even though I “looked” and “sounded” my best.”

    If I got an email from this women my first thought WOULD NOT be:

    “Wow! She’s got the same interests as me and our personality traits match up! Let me ask her out!”

    It would be more like:

    “Great, (sigh) another email from a chick who’s not very good looking and I have no interest in meeting.”

    I wouldn’t even bother to read her profile.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    • AC Says:

      In short… she’s likely emailing all guys way out of her league. Also, not one person in any of the comments I read had the balls to point this out to her. The only meaningful suggestion was for her to take “being addicted to her niece” out of her profile. Even if it’s true, this a comes across as weird.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

    • PGH_Gal Says:

      I finally read the article and figured out a couple of things.

      First she’s on eHarmony. That automatically limits how many users you have access to, which she mistakenly thought would lead to matches “chosen” for her. Having tried it myself, I can tell you that I’d read profiles on there and some wanted a wildly different life than I did. I also only received messages on there every blue moon (versus OkCupid where I clean up). Primarily the eHarmony issue is because it’s very expensive to have a membership, so there are tons of dead profiles that they are sending as “matches.”

      Secondly her profile was abyssmal and I think a lot of it has to do with her self esteem. There are plenty of shy folks and introverts out there who have lots of success. But I think it is becausr they are confident in who they are (enough to write THEIR OWN profile). So instead of coming across as a desperate shut in, they sound like they are a quiet person who enjoys one on one time.

      Long story short Ms xoJane needs to build her self confidence and then try a site that caters to more people and costs a lot less/is free.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

      • Nicole Says:

        Well, if it’s eHarmony that explains the lack of random guys looking for hook-ups…

        I actually got a lot of messages on that site – nothing like OKC, but a steady 5-10 a day, if you count the “questions” stuff. And I got messages from guys who never showed up in my matches, which I still don’t entirely understand.

        From my experience, her profile would actually “sell” better on eHarmony than anywhere else. It seemed full of guys who wanted to skip the dating and move directly to being married with children… Her talk about her niece and her cat and her love of watching TV would be music to those guys’ ears.

        I have to agree with AC on this, a lot of guys are probably dismissing her based on the photos. The ones she posted in that xoJane article are awful; she has much better (relaxed, natural) pics on her bio and blog.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  9. Steve From The City Next Door Says:

    I am reading that correctly that she is in North Dakota? From the couple I know who have been there stuff is very spread out so could this guy be really far away? One of they guys i knew got sent out to fix some network stuff on one of there oil drills or something like that. He said their was a tiny town that was basiclly just this oil crews….the closest real town was like a 100 miles away.

    On the woman who only got 2 emails in a month…I am guessing there is something seriously wrong there. Perhaps a bad handle…. I mean what guy is going to contact Low_Raina Bobget?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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