15 Harsh Realities About Online Dating #atwys

When it comes to online dating, my personal mantra is that it means nothing until it means everything. As such, I’ve onlinefrustrated10developed my own personal set of dating realities. They have helped me avoid the dating fatigue that is so common, especially amongst online daters. Before you head down that rabbit hole again try to keep the following points in mind. These are all open to discussion.

1. It’s not just you.
When I ask male and female clients to tell me how their online dating experience is faring, all of them -– literally all of them -– say the exact same thing. They tell me that they rarely get responses to their messages, meet a lot of flakes and repeatedly hear from people who aren’t their type.

2. There are a dozen reasons why somebody did not respond to you, the majority of which have nothing to do with you.
Sometimes they’re just not that into you. In many other cases that person is traveling, sick, licking their wounds from a break-up, currently interested in someone else, etc. Or, and this is a big one, they never had any intention of replying to anybody. They just wanted to see how many messages they could get. It’s the equivalent of asking people for their number in a bar and never calling.

3. Just because they viewed your profile and didn’t email you doesn’t mean they aren’t interested.
What we say in our ads can be open to interpretation. Here’s an example: someone could read your profile and learn that you consider yourself intellectual. Even if they read The Economist and graduated from Harvard, they might wonder if they are intellectual enough for you. It’s that enough thing that prevents someone from responding. If someone you like reads your profile and doesn’t contact you, email them. I strongly believe that viewing someone’s profile and not emailing is the new wink.

4. There are just some people we are never going to get.
It’s all about knowing your audience. Your target market is typically the people that initiate interest in you or that you can attract with minimal effort without all that push/pull stuff. Focus on those people and you’ll clear out a lot of space for the right person.

5. Cold calling people should be used sparingly.
A “cold call’ is an email you send someone who did not in some way initially show interest in you. I attach zero expectations to these messages. Send ‘em out and let ‘em go. Do what you can to draw people to your profile. Rate, flirt, wink away. Make sure someone you like can see that you viewed their profile. Update your profile daily. Add new photos -– yes, even selfies! –- often. Most importantly, use keywords. People are optimizing their searches now to include specific descriptors in order to find more compatible matches. Don’t just say that you like the outdoors, are into sci-fi or have a great sense of humor. Be specific!

6. Just because you’re not someone’s type doesn’t mean you’re not attractive.
Let’s use Alexander Skarsgard as an example. I think we can say he’s objectively gorgeous, yes? He does absolutely nothing for me. That doesn’t mean he isn’t attractive. It just means he doesn’t flip my lady switch. Now, Jeremy Renner? Rowr.

7. We are all undateable to somebody.
There isn’t some elite segment of daters that never get rejected. I once had a male client tell me that he refuses to date teachers. Other people won’t date folks who live more than X miles away. Or anybody under 5’10”. At any given time, somebody is disqualifying someone for a reason that only makes sense to them. That’s not about you, either.

8. There are no rules any more.
There’s no time for standing on principle anymore. Like ‘em? Email them! Want to go out? Ask them out! The process of dating has become so intensified that there’s just no room for the whole cat and mouse game anymore. Forget about gender roles, too.

9. The longer you spend communicating online, the less likely you’ll meet offline.
I don’t give my phone number out before a date is set up. I wait until the day before or day of the date to give them my digits. If someone hasn’t suggested we meet after the third round of emails, I suggest it. I do not engage anybody beyond a few (no more than three to five) rounds of messages until we meet. YMMV on that one.
10. Profiles are just one-dimensional representations.
Who we are on that page is just the tip of the iceberg. Which leads me to…

11. Everybody lies.
I’ll gird my loins for the reaction to this one. Whether it’s on our profile, during the date, during the relationship or when we’re rejecting someone, there’s a good chance we’re not being totally honest all the time. The key is determining the motivation behind the lie. If someone reveals to you that they fudged their age or are actually separated and not single, first ask them why they chose to present themselves in a way that wasn’t accurate. Sometimes it’s as simple as they wanted to be given a chance. In other instances their deception is more malicious. With experience comes the ability to discern between the two.

12. Refreshing honesty is overrated.
I remember a post here that was submitted by a woman who had been dating a man for about 6 weeks. He made a number of attempts to sleep with her, but she chose to wait. He ended up breaking up with her by telling her that he didn’t find her attractive and that he felt really, really, ridiculously bad about admitting that. There are times when people use “refreshing honesty” to throw us off kilter. One very important tool in our dating arsenal isn’t total honesty, it’s diplomacy. Lack thereof should alert you to the fact that you dodged a bullet.

13. The red flags are in the inconsistencies.
There are certain assumptions that should be challenged. Not everything should be taken at face value. That doesn’t make you cynical or jaded.

14. At any given time, we might be someone’s second choice.
You know that person that faded on you a couple months ago who re-surfaced last week and told you work had been really crazy and that’s why they fell off the face of the earth? There’s a really good chance that they had been pursuing another option and it didn’t work out. Not uncommon, many of us have done it, and it doesn’t make them a dick.

15. Rejection is a great way to gain perspective.
Sometimes it takes it takes that splash of ice cold water that is rejection to get us to see the great people that were under our nose the whole time.

I’ll expand on some of these in the comments. I’m interested to hear what you’re personal dating realities are and if we have any in common.

Psst! Like our new Facebook page, please?

Follow Us on FacebookFollow Us on TwitterFollow Us on Instagram

 

One on One Dating Profile Review

Get a 45 minute one on one review of your profile with me.  I’ll go over your picture selection and ad text and let you know if your profile includes any buzz words or red flags. I’ll also help you tweak/write your profile if it needs some freshening up.

$45 – INCLUDES:

 

  • *Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)
  • *Assistance with editing and re-writes.
  • *Photo selection and review.
  • *Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
  • *Site selections  and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
  • *Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

 

$45 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

 

Eventbrite - Master Match.com & OKCupid

 

Let Me Write Your Profile For You

$75 – INCLUDES:

 

  • *A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.
  • *Assistance with editing and re-writes.
  • *Photo selection and review.
  • *Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
  • *Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
  • *Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
  • *Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
  • *Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

 

 $75 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

 

Eventbrite - Master Match.com & OKCupid

 

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
, , , , , , , , , , , ,

64 Responses to “15 Harsh Realities About Online Dating #atwys”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    Re: #14, I’ve been on both sides of that. Both offended at being second choice and have honestly tried to reconnect with someone I initially passed up.

    I dated someone for a couple months that I met around Thanksgiving last year. When I got back on OKC in the summer, I tried to reconnect with someone I dropped off contact with. Our last conversation was about the holidays and I was like, “So, I know it’s June, but how did that Thanksgiving turkey turn out?” I tried to just be honest (you seemed cool but I dated someone else for a bit) and kinda make a joke of it. I thought being straightforward and making a joke about Thanksgiving would be better than trying to pretend we never spoke before. Never heard back from him. Eh, oh well.

    Re: #12, diplomacy, last Saturday I actually met the parents of this latest guy I’m dating. It went fine, but there were a couple weird comments made where I thought, “I would totally speak up about this if my boyfriend said it, BUT…it’s his family, I’m not dating them. I need to be diplomatic and respectful.”

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

  2. mxf Says:

    For me, the dating fatigue is a bit more of an issue around the actual dates I’ve been on in the last year than the online correspondence leading up to it. Before dates, I’ve gotten much better at minimizing things like nerves or expectations, but I’m trying to keep a certain level of excitement over the prospect of meeting someone new, while figuring that the likelihood is high that I’ll just have a good time chatting with them and not much more will come of it. I sometimes get the feeling that with all that lowering of expectations and developing of a thicker skin, I won’t be able to actually tune in to a really awesome connection with someone and just click. Not sure I’m expressing it properly, but it’s like the detaching process has both helped me gain perspective, and made it harder to really connect with people.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 2

    • fuzzilla Says:

      **Not sure I’m expressing it properly, but it’s like the detaching process has both helped me gain perspective, and made it harder to really connect with people.**

      That makes a lot of sense. I feel like that’s a work in progress for me. I just look at the person’s behavior and if I have no reason to doubt or not trust them, yet I’m still nervous and waiting for the other shoe to drop, I try to just mentally step outside the situation and be like, “Oh, I’m doing that thing again.”

      For instance, my BF is a college professor and mentioned that students hit on him sometimes. From reading this blog, I think, “Obviously he’s gonna dump me any second for one of them. Men want young – young, young, young, young, young, as young and hot as they can possibly get their hands on. Those are literally the only two things men value in a woman, at all, ever.” And…that would be analysis paralysis and the jerk brain taking over. “Oh, I’m doing that thing again…” (I mean, not that the young and hot thing is wrong, per se, but I realize I was taking it to a ridiculous extreme. I asked if he ever dated a student and he was like, “ew, no; that’s wrong.” It was like I asked if he dated his niece).

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 4

      • fuzzilla Says:

        I’m sure the men who would just jump from one hot thing to the next aren’t terribly relationship-minded in the first place, even if the woman were super young and hot.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

      • mxf Says:

        I know what you mean. Last week I was out with a guy who is attractive and seemingly successful, etc. A good “catch,” at least on paper. And I kept wondering throughout the evening why he, a man of 41, had reached out to 35-year-old me. If I’ve learned anything here, it’s that he’s probably successfully dating women younger than that. And while I would never go so far as to ask someone outright, certainly not on a first date, it made it harder to assess how compatible I thought we were based on other things. It probably made me a little less likely to be really enthusiastic towards him, too. Is that savvy of me? Cynical? I can’t always tell.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 8

        • AC Says:

          Sounds cynical to me but only you can answer that.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 1

        • fuzzilla Says:

          **If I’ve learned anything here, it’s that he’s probably successfully dating women younger than that.**

          If reading this blog planted the idea in your head that a guy with his demographics must obviously be chasing around tons of women in their 20s…eh, maybe, maybe not. Anything you read here (or anywhere) is only a general guide/jumping off point, and you should let his actions speak for themselves. Plus, 41 and 35 don’t at all seem like an unlikely pairing. Think about what you value in a partner; looks are probably in there but they also probably don’t trump absolutely everything else you want. Most men want a mix of qualities, too.

          If you only had one date and don’t know him that well, I say you should give him the benefit of the doubt but actively date others yourself ’til you have a good reason to focus on one person.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 1

        • DMN the Wise Says:

          Eh. I’m around that age(41) and 35 year old women seem like cute little babies to me. Anyone born in the eightees cannot possibly be fully sentient yet.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 4

          • fuzzilla Says:

            I read somewhere that Generation Y/millennials are also referred to as The Echo Generation. I was like, “Because they’re so young they can only be seen on an ultrasound?” Har har… ;o)

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          Don’t psych yourself out. Men want younger women typically but 41m with a 35f is probably very close to the sweet spot where everyone feels they are getting a good deal.

          If you are 10% or more younger then a man that should be enough for most guys to see your relative youth as an asset, or at the very least neutral.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

          • mxf Says:

            “Don’t psych yourself out” is going on my own personal list of dating realities. It really can be a slippery slope into paranoia or negativity, which takes the fun out of everything. I guess for me it was about trying to learn all the rules to avoid painful experiences, but obviously I can’t puppet-master all the variables like that.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

    • D. Says:

      I honestly wouldn’t worry too much about losing the ability to be excited. I mean, I get what you’re saying. It’s tricky finding a balancing point between being in a permanent defensive posture and being foolishly optimistic, but it can be done. What I’d say, though, is that when you find someone you’d normally connect with, chances are you’ll probably still connect with ‘em. If you aren’t, then it’s probably more a matter of that person just not being all that exciting.

      It’s also not that uncommon to find someone who’s “good on paper” that you just have no spark with. Like, objectively you recognize that they’re pretty awesome, but they just don’t do much to fire you up. Sometimes that’s because of where your head’s at, but it can just as often be because…they just aren’t that exciting to you and never would be.

      I think a big part of actually being able to find someone you connect with is in being able to have fun with the act of dating itself. When you enjoy dating for its own sake, you’re generally in a more upbeat frame of mind, and less likely to react too strongly to either positives or negatives.

      I tend to think it’s this mindset that people are actually talking about when they say shit like “Oh, it’ll happen when you aren’t looking.” That’s not entirely accurate. You can remain open to a relationship, and even be hoping to find one, but I think it’s a lot more likely to happen when you’re not, like, aggressively weeding out people for imperfections, and are more able to be relaxed and just enjoy yourself on dates.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

      • Joey Giraud Says:

        I’ve found several women with “model’s looks” who were that way. It seemed as though they never needed to learn basic conversational skills.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  3. AC Says:

    Number two is something that we all have to remind ourselves up, especially during those spells when we’re getting no replies. Number four is where it gets a little dicey. For example us guys don’t get very many emails, when we do it’s either those annoying “hi” emails, or more often than not, emails from women we are just not attracted to. I understand the whole league arguement but I hope the suggestion is not that these are the people we should be pursuing.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 2

    • Nicole Says:

      I don’t think “focus on the people who contact you” applies as much to men as to women. Most halfway decent looking women are getting so many messages that they just never bother contacting anyone who hasn’t written to them first. The most I ever did was wink or rate somebody.

      For guys, it’s probably better to think of your “league”, if you want to use that concept, as the type of woman who views your profile. Or the type who typically replies if you send a message first.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 1

    • C Says:

      #4 is good general dating advise online and off. If you find yourself constantly dating women who you have to work hard at keeping engaged; women who arent meeting you half way and ultimately fade, I’m not sure if I would label it as “dating out of your leagues” but you are obviously chasing women who are demonstrating a low level of interest in you. Those types of situations rarely lead to success.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

      • Matt Says:

        You can’t suddenly make yourself attracted to anyone. You find someone attractive or you don’t, and if your “audience” is comprised of people who totally disinterest you, then you’re pretty much hosed.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 3

        • C Says:

          Really? If you cant have Mina Kunis, you are going into the priesthood?

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 8

        • mindstar Says:

          You can always improve yourself and thereby expand/improve your audience

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

          • Matt Says:

            Yes, but then there’s the question of do they like me, or do they only like the improvements?

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 9

            • D. Says:

              Except that question comes from an unrealistic point of view that assumes people should discount the superficial and immediately engage you in terms of your core personality.

              The thing is, nobody does that.

              Everyone reacts to the superficial stuff that people mean when they talk about “improvements.” The superficial things can either draw people in or be barriers to entry. Like, you could show up on a date well dressed, or wearing gym shorts and a ratty tee. In either case, you may be an amazing human being, but in only one of those scenarios will someone stick around long enough to find out.

              And the truth is that, even if all your superficial stuff is perfectly managed, if someone doesn’t dig you at your core, they’re likely to lose interest eventually anyway.

              Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 2

              • Matt Says:

                Right, so why bother unless I feel it’s an area that needs improvement?

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 5

                • HammersAndNails Says:

                  If the people you want think it needs improvement, it needs improvement, if you want to get the people you want. If your current girlfriend/wife is your dream girl, keep doing exactly what you are doing.

                  Women don’t pluck/shave all that stuff because they want to. Women do not secretly love salad that much more than men.

                  “Let me tell you something: if a man could f* a woman in a cardboard box, he wouldn’t buy a house.” – Dave Chappelle

                  If you don’t want to play the game? Move to a cabin in the woods and die alone. Other then that you are just playing and losing with your attitude.

                  Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 3

                  • Matt Says:

                    My outlook is that I will improve once there is someone worth improving for. I don’t deal in “maybes”.

                    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 12

                    • Tinker Says:

                      If you come across someone you feel is worth improving for, and you aren’t ready, that’s a missed opportunity. And since you seem to find so few people worth it, can you really afford to miss any opportunities?

                      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

                    • C Says:

                      Theres no “real you” and fake “self improved you”. You are a portfolio of attributes.

                      Take dating out of the equation. I wouldnt want to be friends with a criminal even if he was my neighbor, a really nice guy and super hot. However, if the criminal turned his life around and became a troubled youth guidance councelor, I’d want to be his best friend.

                      Would I only be friends with him because of the self-improvements? Uh, yeah. So?

                      Your logic doesnt make sense. “I cant get what I want because I won’t change. I will only change if I get what I want.” Thats not a recipe for success.

                      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

                    • Matt Says:

                      So, I should change not to make myself happy, but to win the approval of strangers. Got it.

                      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 7

                    • bbdawg Says:

                      Dude, whatever you keep doing, it’s not working. Hint: the problem might be you. That is what everyone is saying. That’s all.

                      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 4

                    • C Says:

                      “So, I should change not to make myself happy, but to win the approval of strangers.”

                      No. You should stay exactly the same and let us know how thats working out for you in 2 years time.

                      All youre doing is bemoaing your own misery then shooting down every piece of advise for the sake of being argumentative rather then engaging in a dialogue thats actually going to lead you to anything beneficial. Are you…by chance….an adolescent?

                      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

                    • RC Says:

                      People do not change for others. Past certain age they rarely change and if they do – it’s only for themselves.
                      It’s dillusonal to think if you meet a woman of your dreams you’ll change overnight, get motivation, start eating right, get high profile job, travel the world and suddenly become Prince Charming on a white horse…

                      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

      • AC Says:

        I’m chasing women who obviously show a low level of interest to me? I’m Just wondering how you know that and I haven’t figured that out? Please… Enlighten me.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

        • Matt Says:

          Oh, didn’t you know? Whenever you’re not having success at online dating, it’s always your fault and there are no mitigating factors or circumstances, like, oh, if the founder of one of the most popular dating sites admitted to committing fraud in the name of “science”.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 10

        • C Says:

          I didnt say you were. I said:

          “If you find yourself constantly dating women who you have to work hard at keeping engaged”…”you are dating women who are showing a low level of interest”.

          The operative word being *if*. I was agreeing with the advise Moxie gave. I wasnt making a judgement call about you personally.

          I can easily relate to Moxie’s comment about “that push/pull stuff”. Both online and offline, I’ve found that when I’m working really hard at a dating situation its because the guy is ambivalent about me.

          Case in point, here are just a few examples of guys who have initiated communication online with me but didnt really “give a s***”:
          1. Guys who sent me emails but wouldnt ask me out,
          2. Guys who would ask me out but never set an actual date.
          3. Guys who would ask me for my phone number then wait 2 weeks to call me…at **midnight**,
          4. Guys who would appear and disappear on me every few weeks.

          No harm in going after the long shot, but its best to know what you are getting into and set your expectations.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  4. C Says:

    “At any given time, we might be someone’s second choice.”

    True. It dont make someone a dick for leaving a short term relationship for greener pastures. I’ve been on both sides of the issue and speaking from personal experience, someone who leaves you for someone else once will leave you for someone new again. So why is he/she back? Do they need to have their ego stroked after the “Bigger Better Deal” dumped them? Do they want someone to hold them over until something better comes along? Is it something as benign as him/her just second guessing their first impression of you or reassessing their own value on the dating market?

    You have nothing to lose by going back for sloppy seconds, but it rarely goes well.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 4

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I thought the article was referring to dating someone new and then fading on other folks from the dating site that you chatted with but hadn’t met. Nipping the “getting to know you” process in the bud because someone else seemed promising, not so much dumping someone for someone else.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

      • C Says:

        My bad. If its dealing strictly with online communication and being faded on by someone who you’ve never met, yep, I totally agree. No harm no foul. I thought it refered to someone you went out with who then disappears and resurfaces.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

        • fuzzilla Says:

          I mean, I guess people do that, too, but that is kind of dickish, pending extraordinary circumstances. I sure wouldn’t have been so flip about, “So, it’s June, but how was your Thanksgiving turkey?” with someone I actually dated, heh. ;o)

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      That phrase “sloppy seconds..” I think it means more then you want it to mean.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  5. Karen Says:

    Has anyone watched “married at first sight”.. the reason I asked is that in today society I believe that people are continually afraid to commit to one person and having to put forth the effort to make a relationship work. It does take work. It made me think when you put a different spin on things of having to focus on one person instead of always on the lookout for something better. I think it was a shift of focus and attitude on a relationship. To me it was an experiment that forced these type of things.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

  6. Tinker Says:

    I wouldn’t want people to use a profile view as an indication of interest from me. A wink or rate sure, but not a simple view. People view profiles all the time and immediately lose interest as they read more, find out some dealbreakers, or see that thumbnail blown up.
    Now multiple profile views could possibly be a different story…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 2

    • AC Says:

      About the viewing:

      If You are a nonpaying member on OkCupid every time you click on her profile to view it it shows up in that persons “who’s viewed me.” More often than not when we view someone and don’t contact them it’s because there’s some sort of red flag. This is especially true for guys.

      Something else to consider:

      OkCupid’s search engine is awful. Therefore people that we might be interested in our hidden from us. This makes me very skeptical of the whole only contacts who’s viewed me philosophy.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  7. Matt Says:

    Everybody lies? Oh, that’s good to know. Y’see, I’d like to date someone who’s honest, and if all the women on online dating sites are liars, then I know that online dating isn’t for me.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 11

    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      So you never lied in your entire life at work, school, social situations, with strangers, your parents, your friends. You are blunt to a fault?

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 6

      • Matt Says:

        I’m talking about in a dating context, and I think you know that. I am sick and tired of being lied to by the people I go out with, and I refuse to put up with it anymore. It’s bad enough that Okcupid has admitted (and proudly, I might add) that they can and will lie to you.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 5

    • D. Says:

      There’s lying and then there’s advertising. The way I read Moxie’s post is more about the latter than the former.

      Also, there’s a difference between a consciously false statement, and a “lie of omission.” In terms of the latter, yes, everyone “lies by omission” in an online dating profile. And rightly so. If they didn’t, nobody would ever date anyone else. Nobody reveals EVERYTHING off the bat, so in that sense, everyone lies by omission.

      That’s not the same thing as “Everyone tells blatant falsehoods.” Not everyone does that. Most people are smart enough to not need to do that anyway.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

  8. Mark Says:

    By and large the conclusions listed Moxie by are pretty good ones.

    We all like to think that we are attractive to people, that people aren’t bozo’s, time wasters, anyone’s option or worse. Unfortunately, it ain’t necessarily so.

    With that in mind, just a few thoughts:

    On cold calling. Not so sure about using it sparingly. I’m not advocating blasting messages to everyone under the sun. Not a whole lot more, but expand your reach. Many people who appear to be a very good fit may just not be into your profile. For whatever reason. You may never know why a carefully worded message was never responded to by them. As has been noted, many people seem to have low response rates. So even if you believe you are a good fit, you still may get tossed out for whatever reason. So if it is a numbers game, then increase the numbers. You will still get shot down, but if you don’t try… well…you know the outcome with certainty.

    Red flags. This can be a toughie. An inconsistency may indeed be a red flag. Very possible. Or it might be something totally innocent. It’s very fact dependent.

    So in light of the barriers many face, use this as an adjunct to real life. If you find it frustrating, then by all means take a break from it for a spell. If you choose to stick it out, then be more proactive, not as passive. That last one was for the women who lament that the guys contacting them are not what they are looking for.

    In the end, if you aren’t enjoying it, then what’s the point?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  9. DMN the Wise Says:

    As I’ve said before, I generally only contact women who have viewed me, emailed me, or winked/flirted.

    The site I’ve been using ‘successfully” for many years allows you to select whether to allow others to see that you’ve viewed them, or to hide yourself while searching. Does yours? I usually remain hidden. If I see someone I’m interested in, I’ll toggle the switch so they can see I viewed them. I don’t contact them in any other way. Then I close my laptop and go about my business.

    When I return a few hours later, lo and behold, there is a small group of women who have viewed me too (or even emailed.) If, among those women, there is someone I’m interested in, I write them a short note like “Hi, I like your profile.” Usually nothing much more than that, unless there is something interesting in their profile that I can work with. Then, I close my laptop and go about my business.

    When I return, a few hours later, sometimes there is a response from the woman I wrote to. Sometimes there is not. I’m sure there are some women who took my “view but don’t contact” as some sort of insult. I’m sure there are some women who viewed me enthusiastically but realized I was too short, or stupid, or whatever. Who cares about those people. I’m going to go out with the women who are interested in going out with me, and demonstrate that by responding to me. I’m not remotely concerned about those who don’t. It’s not complicated.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 7

    • DMN the Wise Says:

      Also, to add. If you really think people are viewing you openly and not contacting you because of “red flags in your profile, I’d suggest maybe getting rid of those red flags in your profile.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 3

    • Nicole Says:

      “I usually remain hidden. If I see someone I’m interested in, I’ll toggle the switch so they can see I viewed them.” That’s how I did things, too. OKC will let you do this even if you aren’t a paying member – you just have to give up being able to see your visitors list in return for invisible browsing. (Well, that’s how it worked when I was on there 6 months ago… Knowing OKC they may well have screwed up that feature by now.)

      I actually found I was more likely to get a message from a guy if I just viewed him and did nothing than if I winked or rated him or whatever. When I rated someone, frequently the guy would just rate me back, leaving me to make the next move by being the first to write a message. And I never did; it was easier to focus on men who wrote real messages to me.

      I realize this makes me sound like an entitled bitch, making it the guy’s job to start the conversation. It wasn’t so much that I believed in that principle … I was just completely lazy and could get plenty of dates without ever having to message a guy first, so I never bothered.

      (Maybe that should be Harsh Reality #16… Women act like entitled princesses online, because they can.)

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

      • DMN the Wise Says:

        “I was just completely lazy and could get plenty of dates without ever having to message a guy first, so I never bothered.”

        We are soulmates.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 3

      • C Says:

        “I was just completely lazy and could get plenty of dates without ever having to message a guy first, so I never bothered.”

        I’m not sure this is a common experience. For me it came in waves. Sometimes there tons of messages and sometimes I got nothing and had to be proactive. So maybe rule #16 is that *hot* women act like entitled princesses online, because they can

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

        • Nicole Says:

          “Sometimes there tons of messages and sometimes I got nothing and had to be proactive.”

          That happened to me, too… Letting guys see that I’d viewed them was my version of being proactive, dumb as it sounds. If I was having a slow spell, I’d just search and view tons of guys. Almost every one looked at my profile, and about two out of three messaged me. I liked letting guys message me first because I could ignore the ones who had abysmal grammar and spelling, and that saved me time.

          I don’t think dating online successfully has as much to do with being objectively “hot” as with being realistic and generally liking the sort of people who like you. The overwhelming majority of messages I received were from divorced dads 5-10 years older than me. A lot of women would have bitched and moaned about that. I figured that out of a few thousand 40 something dads, there would be at least a few attractive, intelligent, sweet guys worth dating!

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

          • J Says:

            unfortunately most of the guys I attract are hoodrats or guys looking to take a dip in the chocolate fountain (you’d be surprised some of the nasty fetishized messages I get). That’s why I’ve just decided to stay single.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

          • C Says:

            I know a lot of women prefer the more passive approach to screen out the lukewarm men. When I was online, I went ahead and sent the first email if I was interested because I didnt put much stock into our interaction until we met offline. Perhaps thats why I didnt meet the majority of my boyfriends online. Lol.

            I thought you said you prefered older single dads.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

        • Joey Giraud Says:

          ” So maybe rule #16 is that *hot* women act like entitled princesses online, because they can”

          Acting like a princess is a good way to filter out the toads.

          People use shields for protection.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 3

      • Howard Says:

        It is indeed true and that’s why they remain single. It’s funny how being that way backfires with that desirable guy you want. The problem is that he has also become an entitled bitch in the world of online dating.

        But on the real, all of us act a little entitled, when it comes to the quality of the person we think we should attract, and that’s the reason we stay being single.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 10

    • Donnie K Says:

      “As I’ve said before, I generally only contact women who have viewed me, emailed me, or winked/flirted.”

      I’ve seen this strategy work but here’s my problem with it:

      If you spend your time waiting to be viewed/winked/rated, by someone you’re attracted to…you could be waiting around an awfully long time.

      This strategy is too reactive. Especially the way okcupid hides profiles. Case in point:

      I live in Hoboken. There are female friends of mine living here who I know are actively dating whose profiles rarely, if ever comes up in searches, even using keywords. The point I’m making is that if they’re being hidden from my searches, how many other women are also being hidden? Better hid, who am I being hidden from? Another harsh reality is that it’s not in the best interest of match, okcupid, or any dating site for you to find your best possible match or they’d be out of business.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      • C Says:

        “Another harsh reality is that it’s not in the best interest of match, okcupid, or any dating site for you to find your best possible match or they’d be out of business.”

        I get what you are saying, but I think it is in the best interest of the dating site to have lots of success stories. Matches sales slogan is:

        Match.com is the number one destination for online dating with more dates, more relationships, & more marriages than any other dating or personals site.

        Me and a couple of friends tried eHarmony. I hated the user experience, and my friends said they only met “hideous” guys on it. Needless to say, we werent customers for long. Leaving you dateless or pairing you with people who wont want to date you is not a great business model.

        You raise a good point that their “pairing” algorithm might be filtering out people you may otherwise want to date and vice versa.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

        • Matt Says:

          Hey, at least you got to use eHarmony. I filled out their long questionnaire for 45 minutes only to get the “You’re not good enough for this site, go somewhere else” message.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 5

      • bbdawg Says:

        Donnie, it’s possible that the females in question have hidden your profile. I used to do that sometimes. That goes both ways – they can’t see you and you can’t seem them. I’d do that if I saw someone I knew from real life (acquaintance, former co-worker, etc…on OkC).

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

        • Donnie K Says:

          “Donnie, it’s possible that the females in question have hidden your profile.”

          That may…or may not be true. That’s not the point. Believe it or not, Matt hit the nail on the head. Okcupid’s already been flat out busted admitting that they lie and manipulate information. Who knows what other crap they’re pulling?

          Back to my original point.

          Only contacting women (or men) who view your profile is a reactive strategy. In general, being reactive is not a recipe for success in life. Something else. The women that have reached out to me that I’ve liked were women whose profiles I never so much as sniffed.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

© 2013-2017 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved