Which Is Worse: His Herpes or His Cheating? #atwys

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): APawkward7

Comment: I’m curious if you’d recommend to exit or stay in either of these situations. Both happened to me with the same guy:

1) On the 3rd date, he tells me he has Herpes. He does this after a few drinks, even though this date was not going to end up in either of our homes. I thought that spoke well of his character. He tells me I can choose to walk away. While I’m clearly surprised by this revelation, I chose to talk through it since I felt we had built a connection & could get to a serious boyfriend/girlfriend stage. When I ask for details, he tells me he has one bad week a year and other than that, he’s okay. He tells me he always uses condoms and to feel free to read up online.

2) On the 7th date, he tells me he cheated on his ex-wife. He doesn’t say it with remorse, but matter of factly. He said his marriage had been dead for a while, and they were already going to counseling & it wasn’t going anywhere. He got involved with someone else at work, and continued this affair a year and a half after he separated/got divorced. He said it ended badly but gave no details.

Would you recommend backing off at either of these stages? Or hanging in there because you believe in showing empathy and not judging someone for their past? I’m curious….
Age: 41
City: New York
State: NY

Well, clearly the cheating and the fact that he told you that he cheated are way more problematic than the herpes. The herpes is a non-issue, in my mind. For those panicking at the mere mention of STDs, calm down. Whether it’s oral or genital, you probably already have the virus or have been exposed to it countless times without even realizing it. Take precautions and get educated and make sure your partner is responsible with their medication ans you should be a-okay.

The other red flag is that not only did he tell you he cheated, but he also told you that that relationship ended badly. To me, this is a case of someone sabotaging themselves. This guy is warning you. And if he’s not warning you, he’s either consciously or unconsciously trying to keep you at a distance. That’s what would concern me. You simply do not tell someone you really like about all the shitty things you’ve done. People who do that are either profoundly socially tone deaf and insensitive or they’re trying to send the person they’re dating a message. In this case, I think the message is, “I’m not looking for anything serious, so don’t get too attached.” He doesn’t come out and say that, of course, because then you’d probably ditch him.

The problem with dating someone socially tone deaf is that the person they’re dating is constantly at risk of what you’re experiencing right now.  Now you’re unsettled and second guessing things. Pretty soon you’ll be experiencing full blown insecurity over the thought that he might cheat again.

To put it in layman’s terms, this guy is an idiot and he said too much. That’s the real problem here, not the herpes and not even the cheating. People cheat. It happens. He ended up in a relationship with the woman he cheated with so it wasn’t some random thing that happened one night. It’s still shitty, of course. He must have thought of this woman as more than just a fling if he risked his marriage over it. Lots of solid relationships start off that way. It’s not ideal, but it’s common.

I suppose you could stick it out for awhile. But if this guy continues to overshare like this, I’d walk. People like that are toxic. The one caveat I would add to this advice is that if you’re the one who opened the can of worms about why his marriage ended, then stop doing that. For one, it’s not as black and white as two people just didn’t get along. Nobody can ever answer a question like that.  For two, it’s none of your business. Asking prying questions like this and then freaking because someone told you the truth is the worst test out there. It’s also grossly unfair, as the person you’re asking might think they’re doing the right thing by telling you. It’s still stupid of them to be honest, but it’s not as dumb and careless as if they just offered up the info on their own.

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45 Responses to “Which Is Worse: His Herpes or His Cheating? #atwys”

  1. eazy_ Says:

    almost like he is dropping bombshells on purpose

  2. Socially Helpless Guy Says:

    Well, some of us are just socially maladjusted that way. I tend to spill my guts about anything I’m asked during a first meeting, or even during the first several dates. I think it’s due to nervousness, and an inability to evade questions under pressure. (Superior to lying in my estimation.)

    I agree with Moxie that it’s a problem. I have been the author of my own demise in several very short term relationships because of this. I’m working on learning to steer the conversation to less destructive areas.

  3. RedneckGeekGurl Says:

    Well… Nothing like making lemonade from lemons … And she is 41 …and in NYC …

    Agree the herpes is way more common than the pure ones would understand … Have had those conversations from a date before -and I live in much smaller southern city! Google – and realize the percentage of people who are affected and have no idea. So that conversation is good …

    Cheating. Also common …. Agree with Moxie take …

    7 dates? And still at this point? Really?

    The point is – she is looking for reasons to be OK with a guy she is not invested with – and he is at best socially inept. Even if she pries …. Social skills are not there and he is warning her what to expect.

  4. LostSailor Says:

    To put it in layman’s terms, this guy is an idiot and he said too much.

    Yeah, Moxie’s response is spot-on. It’s not about judging someone for his past–and while I’m one of the “pure” ones, most people have some variant of the Herpes virus in them. Even the genital version can be dealt with. The real issue is that this guy is way over-sharing. Really? The “I have Herpes” revelation on a 3rd date when sex isn’t on the table? That’s not “character,” that’s verbal diarrhea.

    More important is On the 7th date, he tells me he cheated on his ex-wife.

    Seventh date? AP doesn’t say whether she’s slept with the guy yet, but I’m assuming not. That he “reveals” this is a huge red flag.

    AP is 41. She should really be able to figure this shit out for herself. There must be something keeping her in this quasi relationship. It’s not apparent. But it’s there. Because otherwise, the answer to her final question would be to run, run, run from this over-sharing emo guy. If AP was prying into his past relationship, she gets what she gets. But I’m not sure that was what was going on here.

    Bottom line? There’s nothing good here. Walk away.

    • Sherry Says:

      “There must be something keeping her in this quasi relationship. It’s not apparent. But it’s there.”

      I’ll probably be down-voted for this, but I suspect the ‘something’ that is keeping her in this ‘relationship’ is the fact that she’s a middle-aged single female in NYC’s rough dating market. When a woman is in a city where there’s a severe shortage of decent single men, I imagine she wants to find a reason to hold on to this guy.

    • Tania Says:

      Agreed except for “she should be able to figure out this shit herself”. We don’t know about her dating history. I was with my ex-husband for 20 years, now single in my 40s. It’s weird and unfamiliar. I’m not a stupid woman but I fell for some shit and learned the hard way that any of my friends who have been single much longer could’ve spotted immediately. I, like AP, would’ve initially appreciated the honesty at first (now I know better, watch out for those unsolicited promises).

  5. bbdawg Says:

    If a man tells you casually he basically waited for an affair to get a divorce and just the way he told you tells us he doesn’t care about the OP, or anyone else that much.

    I had a boss who used to say “once someone shows you who they really are, believe them”.

    • C Says:

      The last 3 guys who told me they cheated on their last SO eventually cheated on me. People do tell you who they are if you just listen.

      Blurting out the herpes admission on a third date is weird. I know some medical professionals make a much bigger deal of it then necessary – the vast majority of people will get it at some point. Its possible that this guy may have just been diagnosed and felt compelled to let the OP know up front so she can make her big decision (sigh, eye roll) before he got attached. Although, I would expect that level of drama from a 20 year old, not a 40 year old.

  6. DMN the Wise Says:

    Hey look, I’m all for reason and science and shit but isn’t there something oddly… robotic… about this relationship? With her counting dates, the “serious boyfriend/girlfriend stage” comment. And, he with his periodic regulatory disclosures.

    She appears to have literally no emotional reaction to his herpes disclosure, which is really surprising. Sure, we all know everyone’s pretty much got it and that you can avoid sharing it in any event with meds but… nothing?? And. after apparently overcoming the herpes hurdle, after seven whole dates, NOW she’s wondering whether to dump him now because he cheated…. on someone else?

    Really, I admit, I’m the coldest, detached Vulcan around here but this seems like a whole other level. Isn’t it this simple: Do you LIKE this guy or not?

    • fuzzilla Says:

      Maybe she’s super-emotional and knows that and therefore doesn’t trust or give credence to her emotional reactions. Or maybe she is a Vulcan.

    • C Says:

      Maybe she knows enough about herpes not to freak out. I get cold sores and just so you know, meds just reduce the frequency and severity of breakouts, they dont prevent transmission. Most cariers (about 60% of those infected) dont know they have it because they are asymptomatic and are still running around spreading it. Thats why its so common.

      As to why she would be worried that he cheated on someone else, because guys who have no conscience about cheating on their wives will have even less concern about cheating on their girlfriend. I went through the same thing more then once and each time I would have my reservations about the cheating but figured I’d give the guy the benefit of the doubt and every single one cheated on me either at the end of our relationship as an exit strategy or throughout our relationship….because hell, why not?! My advise to anyone who hears “I cheated on my spouse/LTR” followed by anything other then remorse or a story about having learned and grown past that is to run away.

      • DMN the Wise Says:

        The first part of your comment is as gross as it is incorrect. But, yeah, I get it. I was just looking for a kernel of emotion in her decision making. She sounds like she’s consulting a decision tree. But the OP or AP, as it were, explained her detached tone in a later comment which makes sense.

  7. ATWYSingle Says:

    I think it’s as simple as she asked him why his marriage failed in an attempt to vet him. In my eyes, the guy established himself as fairly credible when he was upfront about having herpes. I think she was asking him probing questions about his marriage and, like a fool, he was honest because he thought that was the right thing to do, not realizing she was basically digging for dirt she could hold against him.

    • bbdawg Says:

      Yeah and it seems that she is not that into him and is sort of looking for ways to justify her dislike of him. I mean she’s been on SEVEN dates with this guy and I am assuming no sex???? My feeling is she has noticed he isn’t interested in a serious relationship as per the admissions re: cheating and the way he brought up herpes and she is looking for a way out that would make him the “unwanted” one. Also, I assume he brought up “herpes” on the third date because he assumed they were going to have sex soon (but never did…). The OP is stringing this guy along then.

  8. D. Says:

    I dunno. She sounds pretty ambivalent to me. She’s sticking it out for several dates, but she also seems to be looking for reasons to call it off, to the point where she’s asking teh intarw3bz for guidance on whether either event should be a dealbreaker.

    How about the dealbreaker being the fact that you’re asking about “Is this a dealbreaker? No? How about this?”

    Maybe that’s why she asked about his marriage. Maybe that’s why they aren’t “official” or whatever. But all tolled, it looks like she’s just…I dunno…ambivalent about this guy.

    The way I see it, if you’re fine with dating the guy casually, do so until something better comes along. If you’re someone who can’t date multiple people, or if you find that dating the guy requires you to basically clear your schedule to the point that you’re unavailable to anyone else, then move along. Honestly, after seven dates, if you’re still feeling this ambivalent, guess what: you’re not actually that ambivalent. If you aren’t saying “yes,” you’re pretty much saying “no.”

  9. AP Says:

    I’m the OP….long time reader of this blog & not a Vulcan.

    No, the cheating info was offered unsolicited on date 7. Very initially, he mentioned being married 6 years a while back & said that they ended up becoming like roomies/best friends by the end. I left it at that thinking it was a reasonable explanation. This time around, it came up when talking about past relationships. I was unsettled with this piece of information, but didn’t take any action. I just listened and filed it away. I was also more vested in the relationship by this point – so it was the opposite of trying to vet him. I was really hoping he had evolved since then and not a chronic cheater.

    If I sound robotic, it’s because this relationship has ended. I am replaying the events in my head and wondering if these were 2 exit points I should have taken.

    This is what happened. We continued on for another month in which time frame we got serious – he said I love you, I’m serious about you & invited me to meet his parents. Things seemed really great. Then unexpectedly we had an abrupt bizarre breakup which yes, I would describe as “ending badly”. I was left shaken up and confused. So I’m now wondering what red flags I overlooked, hence I wrote in.

    Btw, “ending badly” involved him coming home in a very drunk angry state, saying very mean things & telling me to take my shit, give him back my set of keys and get the hell out. We had a disagreement that I had thought had been smoothed over, but not in his mind it turns out.I had never seen this behavior in him until that night and mistakenly had always told him what I liked most about him is how kind he is. I never heard from him, not even to apologize. I did reach out a week later and he was very cold & callous. The end.

    • Tinker Says:

      Sorry to hear it imploded like that! What was the disagreement you had that you thought had been smoothed over? That is the first place I’d look for clues

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      AP, here’s my question to you:

      You’ve submitted a few letters over the years, and told me about one or two other situations here or there, and they all have one thing in common. Many of them end abruptly or in a bizarre fashion. What’s that about?

    • Yvonne Says:

      It seems to me that conversations about past relationships would come up about this time, if not sooner. In fact, I’ve had men spill the details of their failed marriages to me on the phone before we’ve even met, or at the first meeting. I do not ask them, and it’s always uncomfortable and unpleasant to hear. Although I don’t think anyone ever told me they cheated that quickly, they have told me that they were cheated on.

      This man sounds like a loose cannon. Perhaps he suffers from a lack of impulse control…I would be very put off by someone coming home very drunk and nasty. But it also sounds like you got serious very quickly, maybe after only about 3 months or so? That could also be a cause for concern. Were you already living together?

      • C Says:

        Yes, but I always took the very early spontanious rehashing of why the marriage ended as a bad sign that the guy is still not ready to move on. As you get to know each other over weeks or months, of course past relationships especially past marriages will come up. But if its your first, second or third date and rather then enjoying getting to know you, the guy is sitting there thinking about his ex and their breakup just looking for the chance to work that into the conversation….oooh, bad sign.

    • John Says:

      To go from “I love you” to a disagreement to “get the hell out” in a matter of a month, I suspect that something major come up in his life which had nothing to do with you. Maybe his ex got back in touch with him, maybe another past lover surfaced, maybe he lost his job, maybe he is into drugs.

      It could be any or none of the above. The point being that when someone has wild swings of behavior like that, it probably has more to do with him than with you.

      Although, if someone told me they loved me after 7 dates and gave me the keys to their place so quickly, I would be waiting for the other shoe to drop. I think those 2 things were more of a red flag than the herpes and the cheating.

    • bbdawg Says:

      Like Moxie says here sometimes, it takes time to get to know people and you got to know that part of him that night. You can’t predict how someone is going to turn out and you can’t stop yourself from living until the “flawless” person comes along.

      How people react to criticism and their own “dark side” in an indicative of maturity. Emotional maturity comes when people accept the negative in their lives and in their heads (as opposed to being bitter/angry at life), can take constructive criticism and are generally kind to themselves and others.

      It sounds like this guy has some issues that have nothing to do with you, and that in the end, you dodged a bullet.

    • D. Says:

      To my way of thinking, you can’t only focus on his behavior and especially on these discrete events. You have to also look hard at your reactions to him. At least in my experience, most of the time relationships that you look back on as mistakes didn’t necessarily have one single, glaring moment that should’ve told you to run, which is partially why you can end up staying in them too long. It’s more like there’s a bunch of little things here and there that, taken together, probably should’ve indicated that this wasn’t gonna work, or at least suggested there were possible weaknesses.

      So, I’d ask yourself questions about you, rather than about him. How’d this guy make you feel? How did you respond to him generally? What exactly was he was giving you (e.g., attention, affection, a particular overall dating experience, etc.) that made you want to stick around?

      These can be difficult questions to answer, since they require a degree of insight into yourself. Like, maybe you stuck with the guy because of how he interacted with you, which in turn reveals something you really respond to in dating situations, which in turn raises the question of why do you respond to whatever it is you’re responding to? If you can figure this stuff out, though, it can really help in breaking patterns by leading you to be more aware of your own feelings in the moment.

    • DMN the Wise Says:

      “If I sound robotic, it’s because this relationship has ended.”

      Aha! So, I was right! This actually does explain your tone. Live long and prosper.

  10. Chester Says:

    It sounds to that the OP is asking how she can avoid being dumped by a guy. The fact is we all get dumped by someone. The fact is most relationships end and most of the time at least one person is disappointed. She is looking back into the relationship and looking for negative things about the guy and asking us if we would dump the guy because of those reasons.
    We hear HOW he dumped her but we don’t know why. Since the OP left this out, I am suspecting it was a legitimate reason. She is looking to blame him by explaining how he did it in an unpleasant manner. And she mentions the other negative things about him. Obviously, there were many good things about this guy – or she wouldn’t have continued to see him and she wouldn’t be hurt now. It is like she is using this blog to find more justification as to why this guy is bad news and she should have dumped him before he dumped (and hurt) her.
    I think this is a silly and immature way to handle the rejection she is experiencing. She is looking for reasons to be “right”. She’s not even looking for ways to learn from this bad relationship because she is not even trying to look at the real issues that caused the breakup. She only wants to find blame on the guy.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I’m not convinced she’s “the bad guy” (or that she’s “the good guy”). Maybe she does pick really lousy men with anger issues. It seems worth giving pause that a lot more of the story is coming out in the comments than were initially presented in the letter, though. Also, Moxie’s comment about abrupt, highly emotional endings being a pattern in the OP’s relationships.

      • Chester Says:

        There are no good guys or bad guys in most breakups. Fuzzilla, apologize if that was your takeaway. What I am saying is she is trying to make him to be the bad guy rather than look at and learn from the situation; and that is evidenced by the fact that she does not even share the reason(s) that caused the breakup. She doesn’t even want clarification on what caused the breakup; she just wants to know if the two character flaws she mentions are bad enough so she can put categorize him as a loser. This way she can say I always seem to pick lousy men, blah, blah.

  11. AP Says:

    Moxie, I’ve noticed a little of that pattern also. I’m seeing a therapist now to hopefully understand some of why this is happening & to recognize red flags that I may be overlooking. She specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy, which I think will be very helpful for me. However, in all fairness, in the 5-7 years we’ve known each other, I’ve had a lot of relationships – many that end more normally and some that end abruptly. I only tell you about the latter. It’s sort of not telling the doctor about the 98% of the time you’ve been well, and only about the 2% of the time you’ve had ailments. It wouldn’t be fair of the doctor to turn around and ask why every time he sees me that I’m sick, right?

    All that said, I’m not looking to clear myself of blame here. Aside from the hurt and disappointment of a bad breakup, I know I dodged a bullet. It would have been impossible to live a life with someone who is going to get so drunk, does a 180 in personality or is so explosive & hurtful with their emotions. He isn’t able to communicate well on disagreements, but he is able to over-share other pieces of information. I was just wondering if I maybe should have taken either scenario above as a tip-off into what was to come in some way – hence I wrote in. Moxie did make some good points in her response: toxic, socially tone deaf or possibly sending a message to me that I didn’t pick up. These are good points for me to take a note of for the future.

    Details of the disagreement we had are long and probably not that relevant. I understood why he was upset, apologized for my part several times, fixed it and he said thank you. We agreed to talk about it later in the weekend & I thought we were all good. I’m not sure what else I could have done. In fact, even 30 minutes before he came home, all his texts were normal and there was no indication that he was going to blow up the way he did. It almost makes me question if he ran into a crack dealer on his 6 block walk home. I will never know. That very morning, he was telling me he’d get more hangers for my stuff in his extra closet and in the evening, all this chaos went down & we were DONE.

    We were close in the 2-3 months we dated. I felt I knew almost everything about his daily life, so I don’t think anything major happened. Everything on the outside looked good, but clearly everything on the inside was not good. I think the poster who mentioned saying “I love you” and giving me keys so quickly may have hit the nail on why that’s probably the bigger red flag here. However, when you’re in a good relationship, you think these are great milestones & not the other way around.

    I am actually more appalled by his lack of apology or any show of remorse after the incident. It is a pretty horrible way to treat anyone, much less your girlfriend. He always seemed to have character and conscience. But I think you don’t see people’s true colors until you get to know them well. When I reached out, it was really difficult to get him to talk, even via text. His parting shot among other words were “The physical chemistry wasn’t great either. I was surprised to hear from you. I thought last weekend was a clean break. Good luck with everything”. I’m pretty sure he included the physical chemistry remark to hurt me. Not sure why you’d leave someone you claimed to care about with that, even if it was true, but it made it easier for me to move on. He wasn’t very nice or likeable, and this was not the man who I thought he had been. I simply wrote a “I understand. We both have a lot to offer, learned a lot and hopefully will find love again. Take care”. Although I do wish I had lashed out also sometimes, I think sometimes it’s best to just take the high road and be thankful that this person isn’t in your life anymore & you found out early.

    Sometimes there are lessons to learn, and sometimes there are not. I’m not looking for a way to never get dumped again or to find a flawless person, but wondering what I could have missed along the way. I did poll my friends who had met him, and they were all equally shocked too. However, most of them are purists and said they would have fled with the Herpes confession on date #3. Hence, the crowdsourcing effort on Moxie’s blog…..

    • C Says:

      2-3 months to find out this person isnt someone you want an LTR with is a pretty reasonable timeline. You were getting to know each other when one of you realized you werent right for each other and moved on. I guess that would be the take away for me.

      That said, sounds like he decided you werent right for him, blew up at you saying some pretty nasty things, and you just kept on chasing him trying to apologize and get him back. What were you thinking?

      I agree with D. This isnt really about this one guy you dated for 2 months. And as Moxie pointed out, its about why you are attracted to this type of guy.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I’m wondering what you missed along the way, too. People don’t just change on a dime like this unless they’re mentally ill, and I would think you’d know if that were the case after dating 3 months and living with them.

      Something triggered his 180. You’re sitting there talking like it couldn’t possibly be anything you said or did, but to be honest I think there’s more to this story that you’re leaving out. Maybe you’re not even aware that ti was a factor. I don’t know. But people just don’t act like this.

    • LostSailor Says:

      There were plenty of red flags here.

      The over-sharing, the “spontaneous” admission of cheating, the quick to say “I love you” the (what I’m assuming) quasi-living-together. At 2-3 months of dating, to me, that’s moving way too quickly. I don’t care if AP is 41, that’s too quick at any age, but especially I think at an older age.

      I am actually more appalled by his lack of apology or any show of remorse after the incident.

      AP, talk to your therapist about this. Ignoring the red flags because you think you’re in a good relationship and are celebrating milestones, but most upset about not getting an apology after a breakup are all symptoms.

      And while I normally don’t approve of outsourcing my dating by polling friends, your friends aren’t purists, they are in this case realists….

  12. Yvonne Says:

    This stands out for me in your last post: “I think the poster who mentioned saying “I love you” and giving me keys so quickly may have hit the nail on why that’s probably the bigger red flag here. However, when you’re in a good relationship, you think these are great milestones & not the other way around. ”

    2-3 months isn’t enough time to know another person, or know if a relationship is going to last, or if it is a good one. People who rush in, saying “I love you”, and inviting you to get close very early on can be just as impulsive the other way. I have a suspicion that you want to be in love so badly that you also rush in, give too much of yourself too soon, and the guy quickly has had enough of you.

    Your initial questions to Moxie were good ones. You had hesitations. Perhaps you didn’t trust the negative gut feelings you had. But you didn’t take those concerns seriously enough to step back a bit from the relationship, and moved forward anyway.

    • Shadowcat Says:

      2-3 months isn’t a long enough period of time, but I understand (I’m a 44 year old woman) the feeling that “you don’t have time to waste”. It’s not an excuse for rushing into bad decisions, but it’s hard not to want to know “where is this going?” early on. Do most women wants to spend another year in NYC in their 40’s and single? I know some are fine with it, and Moxie has posted about it multiple times, but a lot of us just want this over. The OP might feel cast aside at this point after the fight and the phone call, and is starting to fell insulted. (He had all of these issues, and I accepted him anyway, and THIS is how he treats me? Any other woman would have dumped him, The NERVE!) or something similar.

      Also, I can’t help but feel like there was something in that fight that she is not disclosing… Did she throw the herpes and the cheating in his face during the argument? What was her “part” in it that she apologized for? Not saying it was her fault, but maybe she hit his ego in some way that explains his reaction.

  13. AP Says:

    Thanks for your opinions and thoughts, everyone! It was definitely a case of moving too fast too soon and I do need to pace myself better in the future. I also really like what D said about thinking about my own reactions, what I responded to and why I stuck around. It’s good food for thought for sure & I’ll make a note of it to detect patterns in my future relationships.

    While I think this post is a bit dead now & I don’t think per Moxie’s point that the guy was mentally ill, I’m now wondering if there was a bit of Aspergers at play. Chester will probably think I’m trying to free myself from blame, but I just wanted to throw this out there, in case someone is reading this blog in the future & runs into a similar situation. It was pointed out to me that those with Aspergers are socially tone deaf, can’t filter out conversations and have huge verbal outbursts to anger when the cause doesn’t really warrant that degree of emotion. They are often unapologetic after because they aren’t aware that the sensory overload they experienced was not normal. They also are more prone to drink heavily as adults because this makes it much easier for them to interact in social settings. Having been around this guy for 2-3 months, I think this is a possible explanation, although I’m no doctor. We’ll never know for sure, but this could be a feasible explanation to explain the 180 in behavior as well as the oversharing. Or maybe it’s just a typical bad breakup with someone who was emotional and volatile.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      The guy didn’t have Aspberger’s, AP. You left out something very important to the story that you didn’t reveal here but told me privately. The fact that you knew enough not to mention it publicly here means you probably knew that that issue played a major role in why this relationship spun out.

      I will ask you to share here what you told me privately and see what the responses are.

    • C Says:

      I promise that had he had Asperger’s you would have noticed long before the breakup. You would have wondered why he is an exceptionally picky eater and will prefer to go hungry rather than eat something with a less then perfect texture. Or noticed that he doesnt pick up on social cues such as reading facial expressions. Its highly unlikely that his Aperger’s didnt manifest itself until the breakup. You’re reaching.

      This is starting to sound more and more like you said something nasty to him during your fight. He tried to get past it but it continued to fester and since he isnt a very nice person, he finally blew pu and said some very nasty things to you on the way out the door. Am I close?

  14. AP Says:

    I already told you why I didn’t share the details here already. If you don’t think he had Aspberger’s, that’s okay. I still think the violent outburst to go from “I love you” in the morning with suggesting getting extra hangers for the closet to “get the hell out” at night is a bit extreme even with a lot of alcohol at play. I didn’t kill his cat in the middle of the day.

    Like I said, his texts till right before he came home were totally normal. He was asking me to meet one of his best friends the following Thursday, and I had agreed.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Yes, and your reasons for not sharing that publicly are bogus. You could find a way to reveal the situation without being specific. This blog doesn’t exist so you can trouble shoot all your theories. If you want to discuss this, than reveal everything. Not just the details that make him look like an asshole and you look like the victim. It’s a complete waste of everybody’s time, namely mine. Had you included that little tid bit you shared with me via Facebook last week, my answer would have been completely different.

  15. AP Says:

    Ok, I’ll write it in as a separate blog post if you’d like. Your response to me on FB was ” I don’t know what to tell you. Either he’s crazy or there’s stuff that went down that you don’t think played a part in his behavior that actually did “. So I just didn’t think it was a big enough disagreement to warrant his explosive reaction – you know, as opposed to just sitting down and saying things aren’t working out, so let’s part ways.

    • Tinker Says:

      A separate post as opposed to adding it to a comment here? All this secrecy, about something clearly pertinent, seems odd

      • mindstar Says:

        I’ll hazard a guess that it’s something that would point some blame at her and lessen her ability to play the victim card

  16. ATWYSingle Says:

    Please write it up and submit it asap. I’ll post it tonight.

  17. Arbee Says:

    You wrote: Whether it’s oral or genital, you probably already have the virus or have been exposed to it countless times without even realizing it. Take precautions and get educated and make sure your partner is responsible with their medication ans you should be a-okay.

    And respondents wrote: Blurting out the herpes admission on a third date is weird. I know some medical professionals make a much bigger deal of it then necessary – the vast majority of people will get it at some point.
    Sure, we all know everyone’s pretty much got it and that you can avoid sharing it in any event with meds.

    Misinformation about STIs is more rampant than the diseases themselves. This column is not factual, it is just opinions. So do not use it for sexual health information because what was written is simply wrong! (And yes, I am a doctor – and this is not “making a bigger deal than necessary” – it’s about accuracy.)

    1) Taking medicine only makes symptoms less frequent and more tolerable for the person who has herpes; it has nothing to do with the possibility of giving it to others.
    2) Taking precautions is far more extensive than just using condoms, which don’t protect fully because transmission is from any genital contact, not just the parts covered.
    3)Saying everyone probably already has it or will get it is not true either. Many people do have or get it, but it is not the “vast majority”. To say naive things like that just makes people take their sexual health less seriously – and more importantly, it makes those who have herpes think they don’t have to tell partners.
    4) Mentioning this on a third date is not weird at all. It’s mature and considerate.
    And 5) It’s not just up to the partner to be honest. It’s also up to the other person to ask (and tell) about STI history. Sure, people can lie. But if it’s a situation where you are getting to know someone and are not sleeping with them right away, the smart thing to do is to have the guy get a herpes test, the same way you would ask him to get an HIV test (which you should, instead of assuming he is fine).

    Any guy who says he has been tested for everything and is fine is lying or naive. There is no “everything” because there is no test for hpv for men (there is for women). And herpes tests have to be requested. It’s a blood test. So if the guy didn’t personally ask his doctor for one, he hasn’t been tested for it.

    And if you prefer to sleep with someone right away and don’t care to have this conversation, at least be aware that you are taking some risks. Things don’t end up “a-ok” for everyone.

  18. Maureen Coffey Says:

    “… he tells me he has Herpes …” Well, MOST people have herpes, only the minority “show it”. Like the bacteria responsible for caries, the virus for herpes are almost omnipresent and it is just by either genetic disposition or due to extreme stress that they show as rashes etc.

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