Here’s the short version. Since we were spending many nights together and lived 10 lbks away, we decided to rent out my apartment for a few nights weekly. It was my idea but he thought it was brilliant. We thought we’d use the money toward our dating fund. He told everyone about it, including his family, how smart I was. We did 2 stays, and it seemed to go reasonably well. We went out and spent $900 on 3 weeks on our dates. [MOXIE’S NOTE: this was before she rented out her apartment.] We decided we’d do it for another 4 weeks (so there was a finite time), and when the 3rd stay came, he thought I’d booked too many nights & 4 more weekends was a lot. So I unbooked them. He said thanks and everything seemed fine. And then he came home in a drunk rage, and told me to get out. In the reach-out I did later, he just said he didn’t know how to tell me that he didn’t want me there so much but wanted to continue dating. So his emotions brewed and came out badly when he was drunk. I said if it was just that, he could have told me and I’d have cancelled as I did anyway. I have a nice apartment and wouldn’t have minded staying separately had he just told me. That was the disagreement. It still seems extreme to go from I love You to Get Out in a span of 24 hours.
Okay. Now that you’ve filled in some of the blanks, I’m going to write a completely different answer to your original question.
I’m not sure what this “date fund” is about, but I do know that spending upwards of a thousand dollars in just three weeks is pretty exorbitant. It wouldn’t be too high if you two were equally splitting the costs after, say, the second date. But it’s extremely high if he’s the one footing the bill the whole time. So there’s the first point of contention that probably had this guy irked. We spoke of a similar situation a few weeks ago when we re-capped that Dater X post over on the Frisky, where the guy Dater X was dating had to ask her to start chipping in and pay her share. I’ll reiterate what has been said in previous posts and comments: no guy eagerly throws cash out the window on dates because he enjoys it. Guys don’t like paying for things, despite what many women on the interwebz say. They do it because they know women expect it and because they don’t want to be that asshole who has to speak up and say, “Um..could you pay for those drinks you drank, you leech?”
The second bone this guy probably had was that your answer to the money issue wasn’t to just go on less expensive dates but to sublet your apartment so that you could have a “date fund.” That sounds like a really considerate and thoughtful thing to do, but let’s be honest: there was a hidden agenda there. If you subletted your apartment, well then where would you go? Oh. Right. You’d stay with him. How convenient. Then, when three or four months pass you can suggest that you two live together because you’ve basically been doing it already. It would be hard for him to disagree with that logic, wouldn’t it?
As I said to you last week, he likely felt like you were trying to force his hand into moving in together by choosing to sublet your apartment for extra cash. To let strangers into your home and sleep in your bed and possibly trash your apartment in exchange for a “date fund” seems a little odd. Don’t you work? If you do, then how is $1000 split between the two of you over 3 weeks all that much? I find it very hard to believe you don’t have that kind of disposable income. I also have a hard time swallowing that you’d rather let people sleep in your bed than just, I don’t know, order a pizza and watch Netflix. That’s far less invasive and intensive. Regardless of what you make, there were other options to cut back on your spending or make your dates less expensive that didn’t involve letting other people temporarily move into your apartment.
So here’s what I think: I think this guy felt grossly taken advantage of and a little manipulated and let everything build up until he exploded. Making it worse was that you don’t seem to have an iota of a clue as to why he might feel trounced upon. If there is anything that will make me go from 0 to 90 faster, it’s when someone treats me poorly and then is all, “But I don’t understand!!!” Either they are willfully obtuse or they legitimately have no idea why someone feels so used because they do not have a capacity for empathy. All they can think about is themselves. It’s all about them and their ego and their feelings and their confusion. They never stop to go, “Tell me what I did that made you so angry so I can either tell you you have it wrong or so I can fix it.” They’ll even throw out empty apologies even though they don’t even know what they’re apologizing for, they just want you to like them again so they can continue to believe they’re who they think they are. Even their apologies are about them. They don’t care that they hurt someone or treated them poorly. All they care about is a) finding a way to blame it all on the other person so they don’t have to do any personal inventory or b) converting that person back into a fan…so they don’t have to do any personal inventory.
The piece of the puzzle that you’re missing here is that you think his 180 degree turn was sudden, when in actuality it was probably building all along and you ignored the little signs.In the one instance where I can remember blowing up at someone to the point where I felt a seething dislike for them, it wasn’t because of one isolated incident. It was a result of a series of incidents over the course of time. That’s what I think is going on here. This guy had been brewing all along, little by little, until he exploded.