Coffee Talk – Open Thread – What If You Don’t Want Kids?

October 10th, 2014

Coffee Talk, Dating

I was asked to bring the Open Thread/Coffee Talk Feature back, so here it is. coffeet

This is the thread where you talk about your problems and your dating exploits. You can vent or humblebrag to your heart’s content.

I’ll start.

WE GOT AN OFFER FOR THE CONDO AND IT LOOKS LIKE IT’S BEING SOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If all goes according to plan, which is hilarious given how not according to plan everything has gone thus far, we’ll pass papers on January 2nd. Of course, this means my sister will be looking for a new home, and will probably have a hard time with that given that her credit is bad. One sister is fronting the first, last, and security and moving fees and will be paid back when the sale goes through. I can’t co-sign because I live in a rent stabilized apartment and could lose my lease. Not sure who will co-sign, if anyone.

Here’s something else that might encourage some talk:

A while back I had met a man online. He was 40, British, and lived in Manhattan. Jackpot, right?

Well, we were messaging for a couple days and set up a date. But the morning of the date I noticed that he had updated his profile. Where it originally said “Doesn’t have kids” in the Offspring section, it now read, “Doesn’t have kids, but might wants them.” He also answered more questions, one of them being whether or not he was on the site to meet someone with whom he could have children. He selected Yes as his answer.

I now had a decision to make. Did I want to meet this guy and feel him out? Or did I want to call it a wash and not bother?

I emailed him and said I noticed he had changed his profile a bit, noting the adjustments he made about wanting children.

“Are you looking to meet someone who might want children?” I asked.

“Well” he said. “I’d like to keep that option open.”

I cancelled the date.

On my profile I filled in the Offspring field under My Basic Details and said that I didn’t have kids and I didn’t want any. So I was a little concerned about this guy’s motives. I’m upfront about not wanting children, but do say in my profile that I’m open to dating men with kids. Let’s face it. I’m 45. I have to be more flexible. The problem with being honest about not wanting kids is that, to a divorced Dad, that might be a red flag. A single parent is going to want to date someone who appears open to embracing and accepting their children. Being direct about your disinterest in wanting kids might be a deterrent to single Dads.

So where does that leave women and men who don’t want kids? I’m talking people who have decided, definitely, that children are not on the menu and are not an option for them. It drastically pares down their dating pool, no?

Personally, I draw the line at dating people with young children under 16. It’s just too difficult. They’re schedules are crazy, the rarely have weekends free, etc. But how honest should someone be in their profile about what their limitations are without looking rigid? This is an especially tricky thing for women, as women are perceived as cold or detached if they don’t want children. To be fair, I kinda am cold and detached..BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT! Thoughts?

OK. Enjoy, kids. This is perfect if you’re a new reader and want to delurk and say hello. You can also ask your own dating questions. Treat yo’ self!

 

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8 Responses to “Coffee Talk – Open Thread – What If You Don’t Want Kids?”

  1. Nia Says:

    I think it can vary so much depending on the age of the kids, the custody arrangement, and the involvement of the “baby’s mama or daddy” or ex-spouse. I have had to politely explain to men with full time custody of a four year old that while I’m okay with dating men with kids, I didn’t mean “I want to be a stepmom by Christmas”.

    I also think it’s on how you explain that you don’t want kids. At my age, 35, it does get a bit easier, since all through my 20’s I heard nothing but “you’ll change your mind”. I used to explain all about how I was a returning college student, and I’m just now starting to get my career off the ground and the timeline of meeting someone, getting married, having a few years of “just us two” and then starting the process of kids just didn’t leave me any time, but now I found that a smile, a shrug, and a “well… never say never, but probably not” works wonders. As I get to know them better, THEN I can explain how and why it’s not in the cards for me.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 2

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  2. Greg Figueroa Says:

    My best friend is on OKC and he doesn’t want to date women with kids, not even to mess around because there are issues there that a childless man like my boy would prefer not to deal with. He’s tried it and with his lifestyle he enjoys the flexibility.

    I’m open to it, but age of the children does matter. Older kids are easier to deal with and tend to be more settled then the antics of a toddler.

    Does anyone consider the woman’s/man’s lifestyle? What if child support leaves him broke? A lot of the conversations are centered around the children? The things directly and indirectly affected by having children.

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  3. ATWYSingle Says:

    So, it looks like I spoke too soon. It appears my sister who lives in the condo refuses to sign the agreement that states she is responsible for paying back my sisters and I for the last 2 years of condo fees and taxes. She thinks we all should pay them because all of our names are on it. Oh god, is she precious.

    Now none of us are signing it, and it possibly will go into petition and the state will take a huge chunk of the sale.

    I need a drink.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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    • Tinker Says:

      Aside from this sticking point, has she agreed to the sale/signed off on that paperwork?

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    • mindstar Says:

      Moxie you and you sisters MIGHT want to consider eating the taxes/fees just to get the deal closed and get that liability off your backs.

      Then I think you should all just wash your hands of your sister and move on. She’s toxic. Not everyone can be saved and some people don’t deseve the effort.

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    • Robyn Says:

      I can’t help thinking that the state’s chunk and additional legal fees that will arise if things go into petition are going to cost a lot more than everyone jointly covering those back taxes & condo fees (thereby expediting the sale of the condo).
      There’s a reason for the saying “paying someone or something to go away”…. initially it may cost more in dollars, but the benefit in saving your sanity is worth a heck of a lot more.
      Plus, the longer your sister stays in the condo, the more those unpaid taxes & condo fees (plus interest) are going to mount up; you’d all end up eating them anyway, directly or indirectly, because you just know that your sister is going to be trying one way or another to weasel out of her financial responsibilities.
      And whatever you do, absolutely do not put your name onto any document or contract that requires you to be responsible for her debts (past, current or future).ie: don’t co-sign her lease for the new apartment etc.
      I know it really sucks when someone who is close to you is – quite frankly – this abusive and manipulative. And the last thing most people want to do is abandon a family member – but there are times when an “emotional divorce” (and in this situation, also a “financial divorce”) may be the only way to preserve your sanity (and your other sisters’ sanity too, by the sounds of things).
      One last thing – has anyone suggested or succeeded in getting your sister to talk with a credit counselor and/or a shrink?

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  4. E-B Says:

    Let me give my perspective as an single, childless guy in his 40s. At this point there is a good chance I will never have a child, let alone children, and even if I did have one the mother would have to work a lot harder raising the child than I would (that’s just being honest, not sexist). But I also enjoy spending time with my niece, so there are times when it seems nice to have a child and raise a family.
    I have also dated someone with a child (the daughter was 7), and although I really enjoyed spending time with them, it is a lot to take on all at once.
    I guess my point is that having children is only part of the entire relationship, and in my case not the largest part of it. I care a lot more about chemistry, similar interests, agreeable temperaments, and other characteristics, and I consider having children as a mutual decision that we would have to make later (like where to live, etc).
    So my advice would be that just because a guy says they “like to keep that option open”, it’s their way of saying that they would be okay with or without children.
    Anyway, that’s my 2 cents.

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  5. Kay Says:

    Nice pics Moxie. You have beautiful hair!

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