Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Seriously
Comment: Why don’t many women want a relationship anymore?
I’m not sure that I agree that many women don’t want relationships anymore. I think the more appropriate question is why many women don’t think they need a relationship anymore.
Let’s back up a bit, though. If you’re basing this assumption on the reasons women have given you for not wanting to date you, understand that they’re probably telling you a white lie. “I’m not looking for a relationship right now” is a go to excuse many men and women use to let someone down gently. Therefore, you shouldn’t automatically take these words as gospel. This line is a fib, kind of like, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Nope. It’s probably you. Something about the combination of you and them doesn’t work. I happen to think many of us base our perceptions on dating and sex and men and women on these lies, which is why so many people have such distorted and warped beliefs about relationships and the opposite sex.
Now let’s address my opening statement. As I tried to convey in the comments of an earlier post last week, not all women place settling down or getting married as a priority. That may have been the case twenty or even ten years ago, but it’s not now. Think about it. What are widely considered to be the main reasons why women marry? Here are three big ones: stability, financial security, family. People will say that the main reason people marry is for love. I’ll disagree. You can have love without marriage. That union isn’t what provided the love. The love was already there. All that union provided was, say it with me, security. Getting married made people feel safer and it made walking away more difficult. Now that divorce is so common, marriage no longer offers the feeling of safety that it once did. Ergo, fewer people are anxious to get married.
If marriage is no longer the goal for many women, then you can see why they don’t feel compelled to jump at any opportunity for a relationship that is presented to them. The days of women feeling pressured to marry and have children are slowly dwindling away. If marriage and children are not a priority, and financial security isn’t a necessity, and the fear of dying alone and having cats eat your face no longer scares women, then guess what? You have fewer ladies racing to settle down. It’s not that we don’t need men or relationships or love. We still want them. We just don’t need them as much.
Before I go any further, I’m going to nip the inevitable cries and accusations that I’m cynical and bitter and have given up on ever finding twoo wuv in the bud. Marriage, to me, is an extremely big deal. Divorce, for me, isn’t an option. There were a lot of things I could do to fuck up my life that my Dad would have gotten over, but divorce wasn’t one of them. Dead or alive, I can’t disappoint him. Not again. The examples that were set for me of marriage were nothing but positive. I believe in marriage. You have no idea how much. But the bar was set very high for me by my father. I hate what my step-mother did, and I feel she betrayed him on so many levels by disinheriting my sisters and I and giving all his money to her sons, but I do not doubt for one minute that she adored my father. There is absolutely no way she couldn’t have after all he did for her. I also believe that my father returned that adoration. In fact, I think he loved her so much that he would forgive her for what she did. That’s a profound kind of love. He loved her (and my Mother, as my step-mother and mother both had similar personalities) because they were feisty and opinionated and passionate and outspoken and difficult, not in spite of those things, and he certainly wasn’t passive or “easy going.” My sisters all married men who loved them because of their assertive personalities, and all of them have/had zero problem butting heads with or challenging them. They don’t feel threatened or turned off by their “masculine energy.” So don’t tell me that men like that don’t exist, because they do.
Now, if I meet someone for whom I feel that strongly about, I’ll marry them in a heart beat. Anything less than that won’t do for me. And that’s okay. At least it is to me. If that means I never marry and live alone for the rest of my life and never experience what other people experience, I’m alright with that. I do not fear the idea of dying alone or having to go through losses or hardships on my own because I’ve done it and I made it through to the other side. I might be a little banged up, but the important parts are in tact and probably even stronger than they were. I’ve built a stable life for myself, I enjoy my own company, I have people and relationships in my life that give me support and love and sex and all the good stuff. If they were to all go away, I’d still be okay. I’m not the only woman who thinks this way, either. I’ll say it, and people will probably flame me for it, but the idea of being in my late thirties or older and worrying about getting married sounds exhausting to me. Been there, done that, it wasn’t fun. After a certain point, it’s time to become more realistic. The more time that goes by without meeting The One, the quicker people need to start accepting the real possibility it won’t happen and formulate a Plan B. That doesn’t mean give up or quit. It means let go and just…live your damn life.
All of this is to say, Seriously, that holding the belief that all women are eager for a relationship and commitment might be where you’re going wrong. Offering us financial security or stability isn’t enough anymore.
Now it’s about what you guys bring to the table. How will you make our lives better? Rather than wonder why women aren’t jumping at every opportunity to have a boyfriend, maybe turn your focus on to yourself and determine if there’s anything you can do to make yourself worth the effort.