Has Online Dating Turned People Into Drama Queens?

GooogleVoice Says: texting4

Regarding worrying about giving ur real digits….hasnt anyone purposely set up Google Voice and then forwarded it to your real cell num? Dont get it. Its been around for years and can be used for texting and call forwarding. Moxie, get on the tech curve please!

ATWYSingle Says:

I’ve mentioned GV several times in the past, and each time I said it was pointless. Use your own number, then send them to spam if they get annoying. It’s just another extra step people take that ultimately prevents nothing.

bbdawg Says:

I use google voice and I recommend it, it’s free and a much easier way to block ppl than regular numbers. Also, it helps keeping dating life separate from your “real life”, esp. if you meet a lot of people all the time.

ATWYSingle Says:
If a person has to block so many people that they need a whole new number to give out so blocking is easier, then the problem isn’t just the people they’re meeting online.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m an anomaly, but I’ve never had to block anybody from texting me. Usually, “I’m not interested in staying in touch” does the trick but I’ve only used that once or twice in many years.

The Google Voice/Burner phone nonsense is for the perpetually paranoid and drama queens.

 

 

I’ve said this before: I don’t Google my dates. I also don’t look them up on Facebook or Twitter or do any kind of reverse look-up of their number. I just meet them. I know a lot of people do these things and that they are common and that there’s nothing ostensibly wrong if someone does choose to do a little recon work. I just don’t do it. I prefer to meet someone and base my impression of them on face to face three dimensional interactions.

If I don’t wish to stay in touch with someone or would prefer they no longer contact me, I say that. I’ve had guys resurface after a few months and be all, “Hey, how are you” in a text. Nope. I don’t reply. If they send a second message, I wish them well and tell them I’d prefer not to stay in touch. If they persist in messaging me I mark their texts as spam and never see them again. If the message me through the site more than once without a response from me, I block them.

I’m a big advocate of using my words. If I meet a guy online and we exchange numbers the day before the date and he texts me to chat, I either don’t reply or I message him through the site and say, “Hey there. Got your text. I’m really not big on texting before I meet someone so I’d prefer to respond this way.” If they ignore that request, guess what? I don’t go out with them. They’re flagged as spammed and their message go into the ether. Buh bye. If this happens so often that have to use a whole other service so blocking is easier, the problem isn’t just them.

I don’t  see the point of creating additional email addresses or phone numbers. If someone told me they originally gave me a Google Voice number or an email address that wasn’t attached to their real name, I’d think either they were hiding something OR they had such bad radar or were such a drama magnet that they need to employ all these extra steps.

Eventually you’re going to have to come clean. A Google Voice number or email address not attached to your name is no different than giving a fake name. And we all know that if a man did that to a woman, he’d immediately be considered suspicious. Granted, there are far greater safety risks for women. I understand that. But the constant fear mongering really bothers me. Online dating really isn’t that scary. A lot of the warnings are dispensed with the intention of creating a level of concern or panic that is unnecessary strictly because that person experienced a personal failure or humiliation.

Take this story for example.

http://www.xojane.com/sex/online-dating-safety-tips

I read this post and was gobsmacked at the amount of tracking and googling and key word searching this woman did for a guy she had never met before. If you feel so compelled to do that much research, then you know something is up. Doesn’t matter what. Don’t hurl yourself down that rabbit hole just to be right. You already know you’re right.

I don’t allow myself to be suckered by looks or charm or status or money. In fact, if I come across a guy like that, I bail. Why? Because anybody using a multitude of lures like that is probably lying or at the very least suspect. I also don’t – and this is a big one – date anybody I know I would struggle to attract offline.  People who barrage you with their impressive attributes and accomplishments are doing that for a reason, and it’s to make you swoon and think you caught The Big Fish.
I don’t feel the need to add even more steps to the process simply because I don’t like to use my words or because I feel the need to make someone jump through numerous hoops to prove to me they’re not a psychopath.  I believe that most people are decent. I don’t make dating any more difficult than it has to be.

I give them my number and my full name. And then they usually give me theirs. And that’s that.

There’s just no need for all the drama. When you know your audience and don’t completely ignore red flags just because they’re really, really ridiculously good looking, you’d be surprised how conflict-free dating can be.

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10 Responses to “Has Online Dating Turned People Into Drama Queens?”

  1. bbdawg Says:

    Hey Moxie, I have never blocked anyone. I don’t do googling and I don’t care too much, and frankly, if I can do free texting I will do it vs. having to pay for it. There has been NO conflict.

    I also used the same google number when I was looking for another job. It’s just another way to see keep transient elements out of your day-to-day and it’s an easier way to identify unknowns. I also use this number to text my best friends since it’s 100% free and I can reply to texts via email or web browser, instead of the phone. which is a better option if you’re working from your computer. It’s not a case of “paranoia” it’s a matter of practicality.

    I am a methodical and analytical person and I have been dating a lot in the past 3 months so I’d rather keep it all separate, until someone is integrated into my life, they are not part of it really. I don’t see “dating” as a permanent thing, rather as a passing moment until I stop meeting new people and settle with one person. Dating is essentially about dealing with transience and anyone you’re dating is a transient element until you’re exclusive.

  2. Nicole Says:

    “Eventually you’re going to have to come clean.” Yup, I used a Google voice number when I first started online dating, and this is why I stopped! The first time I dated someone long enough to want to just use my real number for texting it was awkward as hell to admit that I’d initially given them a “safe” number.

    (If you use the Google voice app regularly for work or friends, this wouldn’t be a big deal at all – it’s not a fake number in that situation. But when I used it it didn’t support media or photos, and I share pics with my friends and family all the time.)

    If someone seems sketchy enough that you’re nervous about giving out your cell number, probably they’re not someone you really want to chat with anyway.

    • bbdawg Says:

      You’re right, Nicole. It could be awkward…BUT this google number is actually my main number, that’s the one I use to text everyone so that ends up not being a big deal.

      • Millie Says:

        So…….you’re giving someone you’re real number then. What’s your point? How are you keeping anything separate.

        And Jesus Christ. Looking at every single person you meet as ‘transient’? Wtf is that? I agree very few people have become exclusive relationships but a number of them have become friends to some degree. No I may not text them or go out to lunch but we might refer client work to each other or run into each other downtown.

        It’s pretty easy to let the people who don’t matter fall out of your life. In fact, I’d say it’s far more difficult to keep up with the ones you *are* interested in when you’re juggling family, friends, and work. Ignoring the occasional clueless person is pretty easy.

        • Nicole Says:

          ” I agree very few people have become exclusive relationships but a number of them have become friends to some degree. ”

          Same here. And a lot of the guys I went out with a few times and stayed in touch with have been way less “transient” than the men I was briefly exclusive with! Being exclusive is a nice first step in building a serious relationship, but that’s all it is. Just because someone wants to be your official boyfriend today doesn’t mean they’re going to be in your life a few months from now.

          I would also think walling guys off from your “real life” until you’re exclusive would be kind of self defeating… that it might keep them from getting to know you and care about you enough to want a relationship.

  3. ShawninCo Says:

    Honestly, most of us aren’t important enough to jump through such hoops to protect our assets and identities. What are we showing/telling strangers about ourselves that would put us in a so much danger so quickly? I wonder if people who use all of these means to protect themselves are really just masking their weak boundaries – from themselves. Just as we need to take responsibility for what we say (e.g. oversharing), we need to take responsibility for how we interpret what we hear (e.g. too good to be true).

    Most of us aren’t typically going to run into enough “blockable” individuals to warrant a service for that. 9 times out of 10, “bad dates” are bad because of the lack of attraction or boredom (both of which are two-way streets), not stalking, fraud, or extortion.

    In my line of work, I’ve met literally hundreds of clients. Want to know how many people I’ve blocked? 2. A few clients are awful, some are fantastic, but most are “just alright.” It’s exactly like this in most aspects of our lives, especially dating. Just like we have to develop the skills to discern between good jobs, coworkers, service providers, and friends, we have to do so with dates. It is a unique process, but it doesn’t require such unnecessary safegaurds.

  4. Steph Says:

    I already had a GV number as well, but mainly because I’m military and go out of the country often. I thought about using it for those weird guys that insist on texting way before meeting but I’ve to go there.

    The first thing I thought about was how would I explain having two numbers if something developed with this person(s). Although most of my friends/family know I have another number at times, due to convenience and my location.

    I do know that blocking a number is relatively easy on a iphone and carries over to another phone if you have your contacts saved on the cloud. Now if you are trying to keep things separated I could understand, but it definitely would give me pause and lead me to believe someone might already have a significant other.

    The other issue was that going down this road made me feel like I have something to hide or was sneaking around with the person I’m seeing but not 100% committed to. So in the end I think I see both perspectives but chose not to go down this road to keep things simple, and yes, drama free at the start.

  5. heather Says:

    I dated someone who gave me a fake name and a fake profession. It was only after several inconsistencies that I did the “research” and discovered they were not who they claimed to be. Now, I google people. I don’t do a full-on Lexis-Nexis search, but I make sure they have a linked-in account or facebook, something tying them to their name/profession/photo. I don’t like doing this and it seems unnatural but that is the state of the world.

  6. Robyn Says:

    I have used a separate e-mail address and cellphone number for online dating – and would most probably do so again.
    Partly for the convenience of screening both e-mails and phone calls (if the “dating” cellphone rings, I know it’s not an emergency from family or a client or vendor, regardless of whether the caller blocks their number or not), and also because I prefer not to let all and sundry know what my home address is before I actually meet them in person.
    My regular cellphone is my registered business phone number, so if someone googles that number, they’ll get my registered business address which is my home address. Hence I don’t share that number upfront. But once I’ve had more than a couple of dates with someone, I’ll usually share my address & “regular” cellphone number with them.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I’ve used a “fake” (a.k.a. no real name attached) e-mail for online dating before. I didn’t create it for that purpose, I created it for a school project where I was seeking research participants. When I remembered I had it, I felt more comfortable sharing it with people I was iffy about than my “real” e-mail. Generally I agree that the extra steps aren’t really necessary if you have halfway decent screening skills.

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