Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Sarah
Comment: Hi Moxie!
I met a great guy on OKCupid and had my first date with him about 4 weeks ago. We’ve had 3 dates so far, all completely great. We have an awesome connection, similar interests, great chemistry, and everything else you’d hope for at this early stage.
My only “concern” for the LTR possibility is that we’re both in a similar age range and divorced, but I have kids from my previous marriage. I’ve dated a lot since my divorce, and guys without kids are a riot, but generally don’t last long with me because they can find women my age or younger who don’t have custody schedules that compete with scheduling dates.
Here’s my question…I’ve still been actively dating other people. Even though I really dig this guy, I didn’t want to invest too much too soon. I had assumed he was still out there dating as well. Today, I logged into OKC to reply to a new message, and 3 date guys picture wasn’t in my inbox anymore. I stalked his profile at that point…he took it down.
We have date #4 already scheduled for next weekend.
Do I bring up that he’s off the site? Should I just not mention it and see if he does? We haven’t talked about exclusivity or about whether or not we’re dating other people…am I reading too much into this? I don’t want to ruin a possibly good thing either way – by continuing to see other people, or by pushing this too soon when he may have taken down his profile for other reasons.
Any insight you can provide on my next steps would be appreciated!
Well, first things first. Make sure he actually took it down and didn’t just block you. Some people do that so that the people they’re dating can’t see if they’re still actively using the site. If you do confirm that he took his profile down, then you have to determine what you want.
You’re not considering one other possibility, though. He could be dating other people and maybe decided to take his profile down for one of them or because he’s currently juggling multiple women.
If you’re not ready to stop dating other people, then I wouldn’t bring it up. If you would like to give this guy a solid shot, then you should ask him about it. All of this depends on where you’re looking to take this relationship and when.
In general, I try to avoid creeping the dating profiles of the men I date. Nothing good ever seems to come from it. I don’t want to know that he’s hopped online an hour after our date. Nor do I want to know that last checked in on the site at 7pm pm on Saturday and not again until 3pm on Sunday.My mind will start to make up scenarios that might not even be true. Once I’ve convinced myself of something, it;s very hard for me to talk myself down.
This is one of the reasons why online dating sites are not designed to facilitate the development of relationships. They provide users with so much access to the people they’re meeting that it encourages anxiety and insecurity. We start to wonder if they’re out with someone or if they’re saying one thing to us but behaving the opposite behind our backs. That’s why I do what I can to avoid, avoid, avoid viewing my date’s profiles.
And the thing is, even if you make it a point not to view their profile, the sites still find ways for you to know they’re online. On OKCupid, a small little green dot appears on the thumbnail of their profile photo when they come up in a search. Now I hide the profiles of men I meet on OKCupid so they don’t appear in my searches. I also delete their messages from my inbox. That way I’m not informed of their activity unintentionally.
People will say, “But you’re on the site, too, so why does it matter if they are online?” That’s true. Logically, I know that my activity on the site should excuse his. But I didn’t say it was a logical concern. And since I try to avoid behaving in a way that is illogical, I don’t stand at the precipice of the rabbit hole debating whether I should jump in. I just avoid the hole.