Being Able To Get Laid Is Not Proof That You’re Attractive

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Eggs Benedictcouplesex

Comment: Hey Moxie,

So this dude messaged me on OKC last week, and we went on a date the other day. He was quite cute, but I didn’t get a good feeling initially because, when I came up to him, he was like, hi, and continued texting for a few seconds – which is probably prissy and weird of me, but that’s, like, rude. I remember he indicated he was looking for sex on his profile, so I was like, sweet deal, I’m gonna get some free drinks with a cool dude, and then we’re gonna have sex, and that’s a good way to complete a weekend. He bought me drinks, we barhopped around town for a bit, then he walked me back to my house. I was like, do you want to come up, and he was like, nah, made out with me for literally 2 seconds, and was gone. WTF? Is this what men feel like?

Like, I get that I’m not attractive to everybody and I’m okay with that. But if that was the case, 3 hours of buying me cocktails at different bars is a little too considerate of my feelings – usually these people fuck off after one drink, because why would you stick around a stranger you don’t want anything from? Dude was too old and way too attractive to be inexperienced enough to not be able to make an efficient exit. On the other hand, 100% of the guys I’ve asked up have gone up with me. I don’t think I gave the impression of somebody looking for a relationship. I don’t think I gave the impression of somebody with 15 STDs. Maybe I fell somewhere in the middle.

It’s been 24 hours and I haven’t heard from him. I will probably text him in the coming weeks to see if his cryptic obstacle has resolved itself, but I’d like to know why he’s acting so weird.
Age: 23
City: Smalltown Bumfuck
State: West Coast

Like, I get that I’m not attractive to everybody and I’m okay with that.

Good, because he wasn’t attracted to you. He stuck it out likely because he had nothing better planned for the night.

He was quite cute, but I didn’t get a good feeling initially because, when I came up to him, he was like, hi, and continued texting for a few seconds

That was your first sign this guy wasn’t attracted to you. It had nothing to do with his choice to continue texting after you arrived. It had everything to do with the fact that you sensed something was off. I don’t know about anybody else here, but I know within the first few minutes of a date if my date finds me attractive. Someone who can’t even be bothered to put their phone down when you meet them for your date isn’t interested. Eggs Benedict is correct. That’s rude. We’ve all been on enough dates to know that feeling we get in our stomachs in those first few minutes of conversation that tells us Nope.

Personally, I don’t get the whole let’s bar hop for three hours thing. To me, that’s a classic sign that the date isn’t going well and that my date is bored. YMMV on that one. It’s one thing to stay someplace for a couple of hours and then want to continue the night somewhere else. I’ve done that. But going to multiple bars in three hours, to me, says this guy was looking for someone else to hook up with and you were just along for the ride or was just trying to make the most of the night because he had no other plans.

It sounds like he did make an efficient exit. You just didn’t like it. Now you’re feeling insecure and maybe a little embarrassed because you invited this guy upstairs and he rejected you. Which I get. I’ve been in similar situations, and it’s pretty hurtful and confusing. I can remember being out with a guy and listening to him tell me how ideal I was for him, even drawing a little diagram on a napkin to demonstrate all the boxes I checked off for him. The next day he emailed me and said he had fun but wasn’t attracted to me. When I asked him why he went through the motions the way he did, he said it was because he was trying to give it time and had hoped an attraction would develop. So, maybe that’s what this guy was doing. Maybe that kiss was his final test, and when he didn’t feel anything, he split.

I wouldn’t contact him again unless you want to feel that much more embarrassed. You want to prove to yourself that it wasn’t a lack of attraction that made him bail. I think most people in your shoes would do the same thing. If I had to guess, I’d bet that 75% of the sturm und drang that daters experience revolves around not wanting to believe that somebody wasn’t attracted to them.

On the other hand, 100% of the guys I’ve asked up have gone up with me.

And? The ability to get laid does not correlate to how objectively attractive someone is. Sorry to perpetuate a stereotype, but you offered guys casual sex and they took you up on your offer. Big surprise. If that 100% response rate tells you anything, it’s that most men are less discerning when choosing sexual partners than women. I guarantee you that not all of those men were all that attracted to you. If I were you, I’d work on learning how to weed out the douchebags. I’ll go a step further and play arm chair psychologist and advise you not to use sex as a way to prove something to yourself, because your data will be faulty. You’re trying very hard to act like you don’t care what this guy thinks, but you clearly do. This guy’s rejection of you bothers you, as it would anybody. But rather than internalize it, try to learn to accept it as one of those things and let it go. Just because he might not have been attracted to you doesn’t mean you’re not attractive. Everybody on this planet is unattractive to someone.

 

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13 Responses to “Being Able To Get Laid Is Not Proof That You’re Attractive”

  1. HammersAndNails Says:

    “going to multiple bars in three hours, to me, says this guy was looking for someone else to hook up with and you were just along for the ride.”

    This is another massive example of trying way to hard to over think things to disaster. That’s like number 85 billion on the list of reasons to bar hop.
    1.(obvious and innocent) If you invite a girl to a rooftop bar at 7, a lot of those places become dead after happy hour and you would want to move to more of a nightlife spot. First you stop by the bar with good tapas because you are hungry, then go dance a bit. Boom. Three bars.
    2.(normal practical concerns). The vibe isn’t right. Too bright? Annoying music? Tables are setup so your date is out of arms reach? Too empty? Too crowded? Drinks a lot pricier than you anticipated?
    3.(strategic). Bar hopping breeds (fake, but useful) familiarity. When you arrive someplace together it just feels different then meeting a stranger at a bar. Smart men know this. Venue changes are a good thing for building rapport as you decide together, and arrive together as not-strangers.
    4.(yeah, maybe it is you). Maybe he was on the fence about her and thought a couple of drinks might help.
    5.(who knows) Trying to find something specific. Food? Trivia or something? Big buck hunter?

    There are a million more reasons. Jumping straight to the incredibly unlikely worst case scenario is a life habit of unhappy people. Why would a guy trying to barhop for a hookup drag along a date? Because he likes doubling his bar tab, decreasing his chances of success, and upping his chances of getting slapped all in one dumb move? If the entire plan was to drag her around as a backup plan, when nothing else came through, why didn’t he follow through? Explain to me how your go to explanation makes any sense except to help her feel bad and him look bad?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 39 Thumb down 1

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Like I said, YMMV.

      The guy clearly wasn’t interested in her from the moment she arrived. He decided to make the most of the night. End of story.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 6

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  2. Nicole Says:

    “Like, I get that I’m not attractive to everybody and I’m okay with that. But if that was the case, 3 hours of buying me cocktails at different bars is a little too considerate of my feelings – usually these people fuck off after one drink, because why would you stick around a stranger you don’t want anything from?”

    Um, maybe he was just having a good time on the date and enjoying your company? Just because he didn’t end up wanting to have sex that night doesn’t mean he wasn’t having fun bar hopping or whatever. Sounds crazy I know, but on occasion men have been known to enjoy activities that don’t lead directly to sex.

    The fact that you can’t fathom why a guy who doesn’t want to screw you tonight would spend a few hours with you is kinda worrisome. I’m about to sound like somebody’s grandmother here, but really, sex isn’t the only thing you have to offer guys. Have all the fun sexy times you want (I wish I’d taken advantage of my 20s like that!) but know there are lots of other things guys might like about you besides your willingness to invite them up after a date.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 44 Thumb down 1

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    • Kyra Says:

      Not to mention that guys aren’t sex machines. Maybe he was tired, maybe he just wasn’t feeling up for sex that night.

      Or it’s possible he sees you as just friends.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        Yeah, it’s kind of like she’s using sex as the only barometer of whether the date went well. Which makes me wonder if maybe her interpretation of events is slightly off?

        You can (obviously) have a successful first date that does not result in sex, but if so, you’d walk away feeling good about the person, the fun talk/flirting, feel hopeful you’ll see them again and excited to do so. Something must have felt off besides not having sex.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

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        • Kyra Says:

          “I’m gonna get some free drinks with a cool dude, and then we’re gonna have sex, and that’s a good way to complete a weekend.”

          It seems like sex was her whole objective for this date, rather than meeting the guy. It may just be my perception, but it reads like she’s testing a new toy instead of hanging out with a person.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Good point. I guess I read that as false tough girl bravado because her feelings were hurt.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

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          • ATWYSingle Says:

            My Take:

            This whole letter reeks of bravado. She’s trying way too hard to be the cool girl who’s, like, super okay with casual sex. Really.

            She showed up for a date, not a hook up. He couldn’t be bothered to acknowledge her properly. She offered sex because she was feeling insecure. He rejected her because he wasn’t interested.

            Now she’s going to continue to offer him no strings sex until he a) takes her up on it so she can feel better about herself or b) says something awful to her and she lashes out.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 2

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  3. fuzzilla Says:

    I get that it was disappointing and hurtful and kind of a mindfuck that he spent all that time with you and then disappeared. But…

    The OP falls into that young woman’s trap (maybe young men do this, too, dunno) of thinking that the rudeness of someone you’re attracted to is this endlessly fascinating puzzle to ponder. Rather than just saying, “Welp, he/that experience sure sucked. Next.” Probably because she assumes it’s all her responsibility if the date was a success or failure, that if she pours on the charm *harder*, everything will turn out her way.

    The, “But I’ve had a 100% success rate” line seems significant. She takes this guy’s reaction as evidence of her waning mojo. As Nicole said, someone else’s opinion and/or willingness to sleep with you is not the thing to measure your worth by. Take Moxie’s advice that this guy is evidence that you need a better douchebag detector (like, perhaps saying “bye” at the first sign something is off – such as when he greeted you and then turned right back to texting).

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 3

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Yeah, I know it’s easy for me to armchair quarterback and say, “I would’ve walked away right then and there after that texting nonsense!” I probably would’ve been too shocked and taken aback to actually do that, too afraid of appearing rude myself, and thinking, “Eh, maybe he just had a bad day..?” I would’ve tried to make the best of it.

      The point is, noticing and processing that initial behavior means the OP shouldn’t have been shocked by his later behavior.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1

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  4. D. Says:

    Possible reasons why he said “No thanks” on sex:

    1. He could smell the insecurity on her, and didn’t want to get sucked in to additional drama. She was baiting with “cool girl who’s DTF” but he suspected it was just a front. (As do I.)

    2. He was trying to force the attraction all night, and with the kiss, he just…couldn’t do it and knew it would be lousy sex and an awkward goodbye.

    3. He was tired/drunk/otherwise not physically up for it.

    4. He was texting about something more important that had him distracted all night. Relative ill in the hospital. Ex-girlfriend said “I want you back.” Work shit. Something else.

    5. He had a busy morning ahead of him for whatever reason, and wanted to just get home and go to bed.

    6. He’s getting tired of casual sex and wants something more, but knew he didn’t want that with the OP.

    While it’s true that most guys will take casual sex when it’s offered, it’s not a universal, unconditional truth. See, there’s an unspoken part to that phrase: “Unless there is — from the guy’s perspective — a good reason not to.” “A good reason” can be any number of things. But basically, if there’s something that makes casual sex look like it’s going to backfire somehow, plenty of guys will say “No thanks.” If there are truly no consequences, they’ll probably still go for it, but if you present a guy with some negative consequence resulting from casual sex, he may think twice about it.

    Personally, I think that her offer and demeanor probably gave him the impression that she wasn’t as cool with casual as she seemed to be. That’s not to say that any woman who offers casual sex is guaranteed to be disbelieved, but if the offer comes across as somehow insincere, plenty of guys will back off. By your mid to late 20s, I’d expect most men to have had some experience of thinking you’re doing truly no-strings-attached sex, only to find that the woman isn’t as cool with it as you thought (or that you have very different ideas of what “casual/no-strings-attached” means). That can make you more wary when sex is offered, if something seems off.

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  5. Yvonne Says:

    Even if the guy was just looking for casual sex, doesn’t mean he’ll necessarily be up for it with any woman he meets. I’ve known men who’ve had sex with women they were not attracted to at all and considered it a “mercy fuck”, or at least, that’s what they claimed. Who needs that? Better to know how to read the signals and realize that someone isn’t really interested, so that you can move on quickly.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  6. Ben Iyyar Says:

    Perhaps the fellow had his own agenda, people do have their own way of doing things, even dating. Maybe this is how this fellow is all the time, on the phone, distracted, whatever. Perhaps he wanted a night of pub crawling, or a woman on his arm, or almost anything. Since this is the first time that EB had ever interacted in any way whatsoever with this individual, she may have simply caught him at a bad time, he had just gotten some bad news, had gotten cold feet, that he had mixed feelings about the date, or whatever. He may have gone on the date wanting to end up in bed, but after a night of drinking he could no longer perform, or maybe, perhaps more disappointing, he simply had no interest in sex with EB. I am also personally familiar with the occasional inability to perform sexually because it has happened to me too. I drank a little too much booze, did a little too much tiring physical activity, had sex earlier in the day with a different woman, or maybe I smoked a little too much MJ. There are all sorts of really sad reasons why we men sometimes cannot get “it” up! But the saddest of all was when I went out with a woman I found attractive and sexy, but after an hour with her I just wanted to call an end to the evening. And I am pretty sure that some of the women I went out with got tired of my company too, and perhaps they too started out expecting an intimate end with me to the evening, but ended up just wanting to go home, alone!

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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