Breaking News: Woman Enjoys Being Single

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Shaysinglewoman2

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Comment: I’ve been out of the dating scene for a long time.  I’ve gotten very used to being single and also have found a lot of pride and enjoyment in being single and having the freedom and possibilities that being single allows.  However, being in my late 20’s, I know eventually I would like to get married (though I like to think I’d be happy if it doesn’t happen either), so I am trying online dating to see if I can meet anyone who is a good match.

The problem Im finding, is while I’ve met some nice, great guys, is I seem to get scared off quickly. Trying to find reasons not to continue and not to get ‘tied down’.  I question if someone else better might be out there and if guy X is me settling. They’re okay guys, decent guys, decently attractive – but I never feel like any passion is sparked in me, where I want to let go of being single, having the possibilities of meeting any guys in the future (though I rarely do, its more of the fantasy than losing an actual thing).  I guess my question is am I doing this wrong?  Should I be waiting for a guy who really lights my fire and then I’ll want to give up my freedom? Will I ever be able to pursue a relationship while not pining for what I might be missing?
Age: 28
City: Toronto
State: ON

I’ll say to you what my father always said to me whenever I would ask him if he thought I’d meet someone.

Now, to answer a question you ask me most of the time to which I always say it is up to you if you find someone. My real answer is that I hope so before my time is up. I would ask God of nothing more than to see you happily married.

dadnavy

Some pics of my Dad to complete the picture. Someone asked me about my skin care regime and I told them it was just good genes. As you can see from the photos, I wasn’t exaggerating.

dad2

As my father often said, we can do whatever we want as long as we’re willing to work for it. That goes for jobs and goals as well as relationships. Right now, you don’t feel like working for it. And that’s okay. Maybe you’ll never want to make the concessions necessary to have a relationship. That’s okay, too.

You’re probably just not feeling any kind of pressure to pick a guy to settle down. Since you’re not in a rush, you’re ambivalent. There’s nothing wrong with actually enjoying your single life. You weren’t put here for the sole purpose of becoming someone’s wife or mother. I say enjoy your time unfettered. Just be very clear about your goals. If you want children, and really, truly desire a partnership with someone, then you will eventually have to get on that path. But this is where it’s crucial that you are honest with yourself. Do you want a relationship?  Do you want to be married? Do you want kids? If so, why? The time to figure all this out is now.

I don’t get any sense of urgency or certainty that you want to be married from your letter. You say you’d like to be married, but if that doesn’t happen, you’ll be okay with that, too. Maybe…you don’t want to be married?Maybe you just think you do because that’s what society and our peers tells us we’re supposed to want? Time to shut out that white noise and really look within and ask yourself what it is you truly want.

We’re getting to a place in society where it’s becoming more socially acceptable for a woman to decide that being a wife, partner, or mother isn’t really for her. So ask yourself if you are considering marriage an option because you think you’re supposed to. I know that’s how I felt. As you can tell from the snippet from my Dad’s letter that I posted, he certainly wanted me to get married. And I think, because of that, I thought I wanted to get married, too. As I commented a few years ago when he first passed, there was an incredible weight lifted off my shoulders when he died. No longer did I feel like I was adding to his sadness or worry by not being married. Once I truly confronted that fear and examined it, I realized that I really never was terribly motivated when it came to finding that elusive One. I wish I had had that clarity at 28 or even 38. It would have saved me a lot of angst.

I’m not going to get behind the idea that you should wait for a guy that flips all your switches. I certainly think you should hold out for someone who turns you on. But I’m cautious of advocating for waiting for fireworks and butterflies and all that jazz. That’s the stuff of fairy tales. We all want that meet cute scenario or light bulb moment when we meet that person and are thunderstruck by them. The problem is that that’s not always so realistic. Definitely wait for someone that gives you pause and makes you stop and think, “Wow, this person is really great.” But that moment might take some time to develop.  That’s the best I can offer.

When people talk about wanting butterflies on a first date, I almost swallow my eyeballs from rolling my eyes so hard. Sorry, but grow up. The only people who think like that are people who have very limited experience with relationships and dating. They’re still dating with the expectations of a young twentysomething.

For now, just enjoy your life and make sure not to shut yourself off to possibilities. That’s really all you can do. Stay open to it, and if you really want it, you’ll find it. I firmly believe that. It might happen at 30, or 40, or 50. Or it might never happen. Regardless of when or whether or not it ever happens, you’ll still be okay. Remember that.

This post reminds me of a song that I love. When I write, I have a specific playlist that I listen to that represents the various characters and plot points. The song that comes to mind when I read your letter is No Myth by Michael Penn.

So, she says it’s time she goes
but wanted to be sure I know
she hopes we can be friends
I think, yeah, I guess we can say I
but didn’t think to ask her why
she blocked her eyes and drew the curtains
with knots I’ve got yet to untie
what if I were Romeo in black jeans
what if I was Heathcliff, it’s no myth
maybe she’s just looking for
someone to dance with
See, it was just too soon to tell
and looking for some parallel
can be an endless game
We, we said goodbye before hello
my secrets she will never know
and if I dig a hole to China
I’ll catch the first junk to Soho
what if I were Romeo in black jeans
what if I was Heathcliff, it’s no myth
maybe she’s just looking for
someone to dance with
Sometime from now you’ll bow to pressure
some things in life you cannot measure by degrees
I’m between the poles and the equator
don’t send no private investigator to find me please
‘less he speaks Chinese
and can dance like Astaire overseas, OK
what if I was
so what if I was
maybe she’s just looking for
someone to dance with.
what if I were Romeo in black jeans
what if I was Heathcliff, it’s no myth
maybe she’s just looking for
someone to dance with.

 

The song is about a man lamenting the fact that no matter how great he was, no matter what impressive traits and skills he possessed, no matter what he did to impress this woman he loved, none of it mattered because she just wasn’t in a place to settle down. If the object of our affection just isn’t ready to settle down, nothing we do is going to change that. They have to want to settle down.

Maybe, right now, you’re just looking for someone to dance with, Shay.

 

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33 Responses to “Breaking News: Woman Enjoys Being Single”

  1. LostSailor Says:

    I generally agree with Moxie. There’s nothing wrong with enjoying the single life, but please, Shay, do the rest of us a favor and don’t complain later if that’s where you end up.

    But I really wanted to comment on some very common thinking in the letter:

    Trying to find reasons not to continue and not to get ‘tied down’. I question if someone else better might be out there and if guy X is me settling. They’re okay guys, decent guys, decently attractive – but I never feel like any passion is sparked in me, where I want to let go of being single, having the possibilities of meeting any guys in the future (though I rarely do, its more of the fantasy than losing an actual thing).

    If you really do want to get married, have kids, and all the rest, it really doesn’t come through, and that’s fine. But if you do want to give it a shot, you’re already sabotaging yourself. You have a fantasy guy in your head who you will never, ever, find. But instead of giving the guys you’re dating a chance, you’re comparing them to your fantasy head-mate and finding them wanting, ditching them on the off chance (that you know isn’t really real) that there might be something better out there.

    And that’s the destructive thinking behind the corrosive idea that staying with the guy in front of you is “settling.” Which apparently is to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately, as I’ve said before here, it’s a lie.

    Here’s the truth: If you commit to a man, you are by definition “settling” and precluding the possibility of the fantasy man in your head. Everyone who has ever gotten married has done this. And that’s okay. Because if you don’t do this, you’re always going to be holding out for the fantasy guy. And while being single is fine, too, it’s less good if you have psyched yourself out of a relationship that you actually want. If you’re always “pining” for what you might be missing, you’re probably better off single–as is the man you might marry while still pining.

    But if you really want to test the relationship waters, here’s an approach: when you’re dating guys, instead of looking for reasons to reject them, make an effort to actively look for one or more good qualities in him.

    A relationship doesn’t mean giving up your freedom (except the freedom to date other men, or your fantasy head-guy). A true partner is a complement, not a surrender of freedom.

    Good luck…

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  2. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “I’ve gotten very used to being single and also have found a lot of pride and enjoyment in being single and having the freedom and possibilities that being single allows. However, being in my late 20’s, I know eventually I would like to get married….”

    As a person who actually really likes being single, I question the logic of this odd but extremely very common statement among especially women. “I really enjoy being single, but, ideally, I’d like to someday be married.” To me, this sounds like this:

    I really love pizza. I get so much joy and pleasure from it. Someday, I look forward to being in a situation where I can no longer eat pizza!

    Unlike Moxie, and other commenters, I think you don’t really like being single as much as you say you do. And, you’d be exactly like pretty much every other woman in that regard. You just like lots of attention from men, and that’s fine. Being single and being married are mutually exclusive. You literally cannot have both – at the same time at least. So, pick… I guess.

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    • Dori Says:

      DMN, your logic is flawed. How about:

      I really love pizza. I get so much joy and pleasure from it. But when I look in the mirror I shudder. I weigh 300 lbs. Someday, I will get into therapy. I will figure out why eating foods which aren’t healthy gives me so much pleasure. Someday I will derive pleasure from other things. I will be healthy and beautiful both mentally and physically. I look forward to being in a situation when I don’t care about pizza anymore.

      P.S. I do not mean to imply that being single is unhealthy. Just giving an example of how someone may like something, but hoping that someday they would not have that ‘something’ in their lives anymore.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 9

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    • Julie Says:

      It more like, “I love traveling through Europe but some day I would like to come home.” There is much to enjoy about the single life, but I agree with you that most single women especially her age are hardly attached to it. She can still enjoy male attention when she is married. Men will flirt with attractive women ring or not.

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  3. bbdawg Says:

    OP, I am of the opinion that in order to find that “spark” you have to be looking. At your age I had a similar attitude that I just wasn’t that interested in relationships. Statistically apparently late20s is the most popular age for women if you want to settle down, which just means that you can meet a lot of people if you want to. But you have to put in the time and make the effort to be vulnerable and to seek. If you stay in the comfort zone, not much is going to happen. Which is fine. But be aware of that. There is a cause and effect in dating.

    I have recently (at 35…) met the man with whom I had the mythical once-a-lifetime “thunderstruck” experience after dozens of ok/meh dates with others…BUT even if you meet someone and you both “feel” that way, it still doesn’t mean much because it’s one thing to find a connection and another to have the connection turn into a relationship. That’s the other piece of the puzzle, like Moxie said, both parties have to be willing to put in the work to make something out of it.

    The person I met has several “red flags” that I would normally use to cross-off someone: he is recently divorced and has 3 children. So yeah. The “special person” is most likely not going to fit whichever fantasy you have in mind, there’s going to be a whole lot of reality involved, and the older you get, the more complex lives of people become and the less likely it is they will be a made-to-measure smoothie.

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    • K Says:

      bbdawg we could be life twins. I’m in a similar position right now. I think it’s so hard to have the clarity you need to have in your 20s. I’m in my 30s and when I try to tell my friends in their late 20s they have so many options (unlike me they won’t need to date guys w/several kids—not that it’s bad, its just something you encounter as you get older), they tend to be too content with being single to try very hard or they have that imaginary guy in their heads. I too was likely that way. If I thought the way I do now with the options I had then, it would have been great, but I guess it’s all about going through the experiences rather than hearing/reading about them.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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    • Nicole Says:

      So this is kind of off topic but … What is it about a guy having kids that makes women hesitate about a relationship?

      I guess I came at dating in my 30s from an unusual perspective… I was married in my 20s so I don’t have the experience of dating at a younger age for comparison…And I live in a part of the Bible Belt where almost everybody who wants kids has them by the time they’re in their mid 30s. So the fact that almost any man I dated would have a kid or two was a given, and it never bothered me.

      But reading this blog (and others) I see a very different perspective and I’m just curious. Is it just the time/scheduling issues involved with dating a parent? Or wanting kids of your own and maybe these dads don’t want more kids? Or am I missing something?

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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      • Millie Says:

        I have kids and have dates a bit in the 4 years since ending my marriage. The first two people I was involved with were 6 mos and 2 years and neither had kids. I considered that a plus just because it was less complicated–both for me/us in terms of finding time to be together, and also for my kids.

        While my kids are happy for both me and their father to be dating, and I don’t involve them in my dating and they didn’t meet the 2nd one until a *very* long time, it also just seems like one less thing to potentially stress them out.

        I’ve started dating online in the last year and have dated a few people with kids. No one longer than a month or so for a variety of reasons, and kids is not a dealbreaker or even anything I use to filter potential guys out but I can see already it’s a lot more complicated.

        Free time, expendable income. One of them even admitted their kids were mot keen on them dating and that’s why they broke up so that definitely added to the “eh, next” decision.

        It’s just harder.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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        • Nicole Says:

          I can see that… I always see single moms and dads being advised to date other single parents, but that’s so complicated. The guys I’ve dated who had kids felt the same way you did, that it would be much easier for their kids if they dated people who didn’t have any. It’s hard enough for kids to get used to a new adult – getting used to sharing a parent with other kids is a whole different ball game.

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      • bbdawg Says:

        Nicole, I am 35, and my ideal age range for a man is 42-45 .

        I’m in New York so yeah life is just more complicated if a man has kids because the bottom line is children are – and should be – the parent’s #1 focus. So forget about impromptu getaways, full weekends, last-minute decisions…their lives are planned to revolve around their kids. For women in my age group that’s not so great when you are still attached to the idea of having kids yourself.

        A man with children, unless he is very wealthy, is not going to have the time/space/resources/interest in going through the cycle having children again. There is a huge group of women in the 35-42 category who might still want kids and this is the group who will likely avoid the divorced dads.

        There is also the ex wife. Most romantic fantasies revolve around the idea that you are the one and only in this person’s life. When you date a man with children you are VERY low on the pecking order and even if the BF initiated the divorced before he met you, you would be seen as the “other woman”, esp. if the ex wife was a full-time parent.

        There are a lot of negatives to dating a man with children but to me the most positive is that often, men who have had kids and have divorced are more flexible in other ways, have more depth and have experience in building a relationship and all that it entails. They also have more stable lives in comparison to the unmarried peers out there in the dating pool which is very attractive (as opposed to the unstable “actor” types or the eternal bachelors looking for women in their 20s).

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        • Nicole Says:

          That makes a lot of sense bbdawg …

          I’m 35 and no kids, too, but I live in a part of dallas that’s basically suburbia in that it’s all families and you have to drive 20 minutes or more to get to anywhere you’d want to hang out. And my life is pretty tame compared to how I imagine NY. The last impromptu getaway I went on was in grad school. All my friends have little kids so it’s been years since going out hasn’t involved either baby sitter drama or somebody breast feeding at the dinner table. So guys with kids actually “fit” my life very well.

          I can definitely see the worry about dads not wanting to have more kids… My bf is in his early 40s and swore he was “done” when we started dating, which was fine with me. Now, we are a little less sure about that, who knows.

          Fwiw, I’ve never felt second to his ex for a minute. Annoyed, frustrated, and angry with her, hell yes. But not like I’m in her shadow. But I’m divorced too, so there’s a different dynamic there, we both have pasts.

          And I absolutely agree that there is a side to fathers that isn’t there with childless guys. If I’d met my bf before he had kids, he wouldn’t be the guy I know, if that makes any sense.

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          • Millie Says:

            I think bbdawg is spot on in both the whole plusses/minuses on dating men with kids emotionally and the odds of finding someone who wants to have kids with a new partner as well.

            That said, I do think outside of major cities like NYC men are more open to having additional kids w the 2nd wife. Having kids in NYC is whole other ballgame. I lived there for 7 years…even having pets is expensive. Ha!

            And I have actually been on the flip side of the coin. The 6-monther wanted his own kids and I have 3 great kids.

            I considered it seriously, and he was willing to forgo having his own, but at the end of the day I was sure I didn’t want more kids. We were both 40 so I broke up with him and figured he had the chance to find someone who did. So many people said that wasn’t my call and it probably wasn’t but considering that was a major factor in ending his marriage (he wanted kids and she didn’t) I wasn’t comfortable.

            Oddly enough the woman he’s with now doesn’t want kids. So who the eff knows.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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      • Kyra Says:

        To answer Nicole’s question: Personally, it’s just because I don’t ever want kids. So it’s a life-style that’s a deal-breaker for me.

        I’d rather be single for the rest of my life than get involved in a relationship that includes children.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 2

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      • Julie Says:

        Children in and of themselves arent usually the problem, its the ex-wife. You are stuck with her forever and get sucked into the baggage, bitterness and petty fights that started years before you showed up and have nothing to do with you. Even if she is a perfectly nice person, theres almost always going to be some natural antagonism between you. As an added bonus, depending on the recency of the divorce and how well the kids handled it, they may see you as the woman treading on mommy’s territory.

        Just a lot of drama. Who needs it?!

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        • Kyra Says:

          Oh kids are definitely the problem. Eugh, I shudder at the thought.

          I can deal with exes, but not tiny persons.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 7

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          • Millie Says:

            Why give that statement the thumbs down? I think it’s better to be really clear about what you want and don’t want–particularly when children are involved. I think it’s awesome Kyra knows she doesn’t want kids and doesn’t even want to be any sort of step-parent. Rock on.

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            • Joey Giraud Says:

              It’s the shuddering Eugh.

              90% of people really love children. Calling kids repellant and disgusting is sure to get the down thumbs.

              She hates kids! Feed her to the lions!

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 4

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              • Kyra Says:

                Good for them!

                I have nothing against children… I just don’t necessarily want to be in the same vicinity as them.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 2

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  4. fuzzilla Says:

    See, now, I think the crucial unanswered question w/r/t the OP’s situation is – how long has she tried online dating for?

    If it’s been three years of steady effort and absolutely no one merits a second date, then yeah, that’s definitely the pattern of someone who doesn’t want a relationship.

    I kinda got the impression it’s only been a couple months, in which case, several rounds full of “meh, he’s nice, but…” seems kinda par for the course and it’s too soon to tell her she’s too picky or too attached to a fantasy or whatever. I don’t get the sense that she has an unrealistic fantasy man in mind (“He must be a 6’2″ Italian doctor who does competitive ballroom dancing and saves puppies in his free time”). It just sounds like the men she has met make her say, “Meh, he doesn’t excite me enough to want to pursue things further,” which sounds reasonable to me.

    I’d say it’s just a case of getting her sea legs and getting used to the online dating process – which includes consistently putting the work in if she wants results (and sure, these “results” could be a string of FWBs if she’s really not feelin’ the whole relationship thing right now).

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    • Nicole Says:

      Agreed. The vast majority of people you meet online are going to fall into the “eh, he/she’s ok” category. I mean, the vast majority of people you meet anywhere, work, school, etc, are going to be ok but not the person you want to spend the rest of your life with. In that sense dating really is a numbers game.

      “Will I ever be able to pursue a relationship while not pining for what I might be missing?”

      While none of us can look in a crystal ball and see your future… I would guess that yes, you will probably meet someone who blows your mind and makes you stop thinking about everyone else out there. As someone who’s been married before and in a couple of long term relationships since then, I don’t believe in the idea that we have one soulmate and it’s up to us to hunt that person down. But I do know that there are some people we connect with and others, not so much.

      I’d give these guys a chance – as in, if there’s potential, say yes to a second or third date and see how it goes. Like Moxie said, there’s not always an instant spark. But i wouldn’t give up your options and freedom for “decent”. I can honestly say that after a week or two dating my boyfriend, I completely stopped wondering who else was out there. If you’re not feeling that kind of excitement about someone, it’s probably better to stay single than force something that isn’t there.

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      • Millie Says:

        God, I can so relate to the “eh, he’s ok thing.”

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

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        • Joey Giraud Says:

          Most people are average.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            You don’t have to be a 10 to make someone say, “Wow, I can’t stop thinking about them/can’t wait to see them again,” just have enough chemistry/be a good match. Plenty of average people fall in love and get married every day.

            Conversely, just being hot isn’t enough to secure a second date (never hurts, of course, but it’s not enough to build a relationship on).

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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  5. Mark Says:

    You are asking an open ended question. So you will get open ended responses. Most good, some not.

    It seems to me that you need to set priorities. Short term and long term. If you really have those clear in your mind, then act accordingly to improve your lot in life.

    If you for whatever reason you just aren’t feeling that compelling connection, then it seems that you are doing yourself and the guy you might be seeing at the moment a serious disservice by trying to force something that just isn’t there. At least from your point of view.

    Just remember, as time goes by the potential pool of men whom you might find suitable will shrink. So you may begin to wonder if the window of opportunity is closing. If so, then you really can’t look back at a future time and wonder if all the “good men have been taken.”

    In short, the trend is your friend, so strike while the iron is hot.

    Hope things work you for you.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  6. Mandy Says:

    I think an important thing to keep in mind is that what it means to be in a relationship, a partnership, means different things to different people. Just because you watch your friends (and TV, etc.) get into relationships where they are constantly together and rarely do things apart, doesn’t mean that’s the relationship you have to have. You just have to find someone who shares your vision of what a relationship/partnership means. It can mean you still go out with your friends, and don’t check in constantly with your partner, on a regular basis. It can mean you still have your own hobbies/activities and he has his. You can even travel separately. As long as it works for the two of you, it doesn’t have to be the “traditional” definition of so much togetherness.

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  7. Yvonne Says:

    There are two things I see going on here. The OP equates being in a relationship/marriage with “loss of freedom” and being “tied down”. If you can’t see the benefits of partnership, or visualize one where you don’t lose your freedom, getting into a relationship is going to be tough, no matter who you meet. If you aren’t ready yet, don’t force it, let it happen naturally.

    The other issue is that you haven’t dated in a long time. You probably don’t know what you’re looking for, which makes the benefits of being in a relationship seem less certain. If you keep dating, without putting undo pressure on yourself to find the elusive “the one”, you’ll start getting a better idea of what you like about men. And that goes far beyond finding someone who lights your fire at first meeting.

    I’ve read a lot of dating advice that suggests making lists of your must-have, nice-to-have, and can’t-stand qualities in a man. Having a concrete framework might be helpful to you as you are evaluating different men. But you’ll have to put in a few dates with each guy in order to see these qualities emerge.

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    • BTownGirl Says:

      Really excellent advice here! I never really understood the “tied down” feeling – yeah sure, you can’t have sex with anyone else, but if you have someone in your life that you adore and vice versa, is it really that much of a loss?! Plus, if you’re in a relationship where you feel like you don’t have the personal freedom to see friends, enjoy hobbies, etc. your ass is in the wrong damn relationship!

      p.s. Moxie, you totally do have your Dad’s gorgeous skin! I think you have his smile too – which is a lovely one :)

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  8. Maria Says:

    I am not sure sparks work maybe they do for some people. I’d always have a spark with someone who I can’t trust to be around tomorrow, or they will be involved with someone else or have a personality I can’t get a long with. And it would always end, sometimes I would end it, I think more often they would and I would be heart broken.

    I’ve tried to seek something other than spark. And I think I know what I need to look for. It’s no guarantee but so far it has had a better result.

    I don’t know if it would help you at all but this is how I can describe the feeling: feeling relaxed in his company, feeling relaxed is the main thing here. Not so crazily attracted to the point that you are anxious and uncomfortable. Comfortable and secure because he likes you and you know it deep down. But without feeling suffocated too. It will most often coincide with things that are shown on the surface such as he is turning up when he said he would, keeps in touch, wants to be in your company, shows you affection and respect, he is easy to get along with. But the internal feeling of being relaxed, loved, comfortable and secure is very important. Of course physical attraction got to be present. But it may not come on the 1st date.

    I kind of wish now that this was the feeling I looked for all those years. I think I would have found happier relationships than I had.

    I am not convinced that marriage and/or having kids makes you happy but neither I am convinced being single does. Perhaps relationships that are a source of positive emotions and experiences add something to one’s life.

    I would agree that women in late 20s may have better choice when it comes to potential partners, so I would say it’s a good age to start looking for a partner if you are not against the idea.

    I’d say to any woman in 20s, start learning how to use your intuition, how to spot red flags, how not to waste your time on unavailable men or men who do not treat you with respect or don’t take you seriously or in whose company you don’t feel happy, learn how not to get stuck in unfulfilling unhealthy relationships. It’s up to you to find yourself in a relationships that bring you joy.

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  9. bbdawg Says:

    OP, the bottom line is, life doesn’t wait for you. And the female-in-her-20s-privilege of endless choices ends. It really does.

    Take responsibility for your love life and define and go for what you want. If you enjoy being single, great. If I were in your position knowing what I know now, that your age is the golden era of choice for women, I would really articulate what i seek in a partner because at your age you can still probably find great men with less baggage than us gals in our 30s. And I’d go about it pretty systematically. Don’t like someone? Go to the next one, but the important thing is to be proactive. Love won’t come knocking at your door. At your age or any age.

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  10. NASHWC Says:

    The “loss of freedom” and “being tied down” comments of the OP reminds me of people who approach relationships with a focus on “What must a relationship do for me?” and/or “What do I have to (pretend to?) give up?” with little thought of asking “What (value) do I bring to a relationship?”. In this regard, I suspect the OP is well-practiced and wont change anytime soon. And I’m pretty certain that, somewhere in the near future (in her forties) and beyond, she’ll be lamenting the scarcity of ‘good’ men (whatever that definition happens to be at the time) as well as the noticeable decline in attention she gets. Seems many people insist on learning (and often paying dearly for) their own mistakes instead of observing and learning from those who went before them, and this is strongest in those with the ‘Snowflake’ mentality.

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  11. Dan Says:

    A few points, just from my personal experience (I’m 65, married twice):

    I know several women who swore up and down that they never wanted children, then were blindsided by intense Baby Fever. It doesn’t happen to everybody, but it’s definitely a Thing. Don’t believe for a minute that it absolutely cannot happen to you.

    Our culture looks down its nose at people who prioritize sexual compatibility as a filter for mate choice. If there’s any chance an affair could feel like a major betrayal to either of you, be certain before you commit to anyone that you will be willing and able to satisfy *all* of each other’s sexual needs (needs = deal breakers) and most of their wants. Being unaware of what your needs and wants are or being unwilling to communicate them clearly is a set-up for disaster.

    Science tells us that the key to happiness is low expectations. That’s easier said than done for the vast majority of us, but I believe it’s at the heart of all those “I saw her across the room and knew instantly she would be my wife” stories.

    I wish you a lifetime of happiness and deep, profound satisfaction in every area of life!

    Warmest personal regards,

    Dan

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    • Shadowcat Says:

      The delayed baby fever speaks personally to me… I thought I could put it off forever even though because of a medical condition, several doctors told me that sooner is better than later… then I was 40 and facing surgery wondering what could’ve been… I thought I had all the time in the world too. I would never have listened to this in my late 20s either, so I know it will fall on deaf ears but your options will shrink the older you get until they dry out completely… Or at any rate you FEEL like they have dried out… If you think the pickings are slim now, just wait till you’re 40. For me the expectation of sparks or excitement seem like a distant memory, and this is why I work as hard on my relationship as I do, I’m not going back out there again!

      Pick up a book called “marry him”, I cannot remember the authors name, it will give you some sobering information about your future prospects, and good advice to take on choosing a partner.

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  12. Damien Says:

    I see the OP is from Toronto. This city is peculiar. Most singles go to the central downtown area, where cool bars, restaurants, clubs and social stuff happen within an area of less than ten square miles. When you concentrate a bunch of professional 20 and 30 something singles into this particular social scene, it psychologically changes expectations.

    Guys with good looks, charisma, at the alpha end of the spectrum attract the most eligible women, and many other women aspire to date guys like that. Then they find out these guys are like Jian Ghomeshi.

    There are female versions of Jian too. The characteristics are different, but still odious.

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