Silent Night: Should He Tell Her They’re Not On The Same Page?

December 22nd, 2014

Awkward, Casual Dating, NEW!

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Georgegift
:
Comment: Hi,

First time submitting a situation to an online forum and thought it would be fun and interesting.

So, I meet a girl through Facebook who turns out to have graduated from my same high school. Extremely cute, amazing smile, good sense of sarcastic humor, and seems career driven. We hit it off pretty well and despite a few small date goofs, she still seems interested.

After 6 weeks of seeing each other, it’s the holiday season and gifts are being passed around. Now, we haven’t had a serious discussion about making ‘us’ serious yet, and, while considered a bit late to some, was on my mind to bring up very soon. But despite that, she decided to give me tickets to a show she is a fan of, but who’s not performing until May. Additionally, I also received a nice passport wallet with a blank application cleverly slipped  inside. Now, she has been scheduled to fly across seas for a big athletic event in Europe for the summer, and has been training for it for some time. I think it’s fairly obvious that that was her non-verbal invite for me to go with. I truly think the gesture is extremely sweet but I’m just curious to anyone who has been kind enough to read this if they think that this is moving too fast.

We get along well but we haven’t gotten to having any deep talks, especially whether or not we should make it official that we’re together. It comes off that she is heavily investing in me for the future without figuring out if I’m really worth it in the first place. I like that she is planning things to do with me, but do events of those magnitudes and that far ahead bring up a red flag?

So what I’m curious about most, is not only if this is going too quickly, but also why she (or anyone) would go to such lengths in such a short period of time. Additionally, any other advice for this predicament would be greatly appreciated.

That’s the situation in a nutshell, and I hope I provided enough information. Thanks for your time.
Age: 26
City: Schaumburg
State: Illinois

 

Relationships progress at different rates for everybody. I don’t think there is any set time frame for when things are suppose to move from one stage to the next.

It comes off that she is heavily investing in me for the future without figuring out if I’m really worth it in the first place.

Yes. Welcome to dating as a woman. This sort of thinking is common. Many women just want  a boyfriend and all they care about is if he checks off some of the basic boxes. Good looking, sweet, shows them attention, etc. Long term compatibility doesn’t usually make the list. If it does, it’s based on superficial criteria.

That said…you don’t get to say what criteria she needs to determine whether or not she wants to progress. She might not need those deep talks. To be honest, you sound ambivalent about her all around. So, I think your concern has more to do with what you see for the future than her gifts. You haven’t figured out if she’s worth it. And that’s okay. But try not to put this on her, as it’s really about you.

It’s clear that you feel she’s moving too fast. Personally, I think she is, too. At the very least she’s being presumptuous to assume you and she will still be together 6 months from now. She’s also subversively applying pressure, whether she’s aware of that or not.

She’s communicating to you where she sees things headed. This is her way of telling you that she believes you two are serious. I wouldn’t just go along with that and allow her to think that if you’re not on the same page. She’s pushing things forward on her own, and that rarely ends well.

Why would someone go to such lengths in such a short period of time? Well, not everybody needs a few months to decide if they want to commit to someone. Like I said, we all get to that point in our own time. She’s obviously quite into you, which is why she got you those gifts. But I do think she’s using those gifts as a way to feel you out instead of just asking you where things stand. That’s another reason why someone would do this. I’m not a fan of people who don’t use their words. In my experience, they usually struggle with having honest conversations.

It’s the holidays, so it’s a sucky time to be having heavy conversations, but better to do it now than let things go on for another month and have her fall harder for you. You might find her approach questionable, but that doesn’t mean you get to ignore her feelings or how all of this will affect her should things not work out. You can stay silent, but I predict that will make things more complicated.

There’s nothing to lose by being kind.

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17 Responses to “Silent Night: Should He Tell Her They’re Not On The Same Page?”

  1. bbdawg Says:

    Yeah OP, newsflash: If women stick around, sleep with you and give you gifts, they want a “relationship” out of you. IMO it sounds like you’re being a tad dishonest, you’re accepting these gifts, sleeping with her and not saying anything about how you really feel. Just tell her you’re not ready for something that serious. In other words, you don’t want to be her boyfriend but you’re happy getting sex and accepting gifts. In her mind, you’re together. The nice thing to do in this case is to be honest and tell her how you see this.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 21 Thumb down 18

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    • Steve Says:

      Interesting, I never read any reference to sex in the article, but you brought it up 3 times.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 3

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    • Fyodor Says:

      I don’t read his letter as him not being interested in an LTR, so much as not quite ready *yet* to be making commitments for the summer.

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  2. BostonRobin Says:

    It doesn’t sound like you’re even into her. Why don’t you just move on then? Oh, wait, that’s right: she’ll do for now.

    No wonder you’re all judgmental about the amount of time it took her to develop feelings for you. It’s because you’re not feeling it!

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  3. Sherry Says:

    There’s no such thing as ‘moving too fast’ when two people are on the same page and both equally interested. I’ve known couples who decided to commit and date exclusively after only a week or two of knowing each other. Then again, the people that I know had been extremely into each other.

    I doubt this guy would be concerned about the relationship moving too fast if he felt himself slowly falling in love with this woman. But because he’s only moderately interested at best, he has concerns about her roundabout attempts to escalate things. Thus, he should do the right thing and communicate how he’s feeling to this woman.

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Yeah. I do think you can be interested and yet think the other person is moving too fast if they’re talking irreversible (or huge pain in the ass to reverse) things like moving in together or marriage. But a trip and a concert with a far-off date? Definitely a sign that she sees a future, but nothing to panic about. She can always give/sell the ticket to someone else. It shouldn’t freak you out that much unless you’re really not interested.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        I don’t think the OP is just using her for money or gifts or whatever, especially since he seems to feel uncomfortable about it. It sounds like he feels an emotional connection is missing, like he wants “deep talks” to feel connected to someone.

        He should open his mouth and express these feelings instead of just sitting back and letting her have a relationship at him. Perhaps he’s accustomed to the woman doing the emotional work and bringing up the “deep topics” and doesn’t know how to broach them himself (it is a learned skill, and this would make them like the vast majority of heterosexual couples). If he really liked her he’d find a way to muddle through opening the lines of communication.

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  4. CoolDude Says:

    Seems like a nice guy honestly (not a “nice” guy, but someone who at least somewhat cares how the other person feels). I think, as a guy, it feels nice when someone gives us attention, courts us a bit, etc. which may be why he’s sticking around. I’m sure he enjoys her company and likes her but, as others have said, probably isn’t totally invested. I don’t think it’s time to cut off everything but if the conversation comes up, he at least owes it to her to be honest.

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  5. Yvonne Says:

    I agree with Moxie that this woman is being a tad too pushy. Getting tickets for a date 6 months off is fairly obvious, but nothing wrong with that. Then add to it the passport wallet/application and it’s a bit too much.

    I don’t think George isn’t into her, though, since he did mention that getting more serious was “on my mind to bring up very soon”. Women do tend to move more quickly in relationships, but all the more reason to be a bit patient, and give a guy (especially a 26 year old) a reasonable chance to catch up.

    6 weeks isn’t too soon to be exclusively dating, but it is too soon to know whether or not you’ve got a future together. Now would be a good time to set the stage for a more serious conversation about whatever feelings/concerns might be developing. Hopefully, it will end up bringing you two closer, rather than pushing you apart.

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  6. D. Says:

    Ok, so, let’s all keep something in mind:

    This guy is 26 years old.

    My guess is he doesn’t have tons and tons of “adult world” dating experiences (as distinct from, say, college/grad-school dating experiences or “met at a bar and hooked up” experiences). He may still be figuring his own responses out. As such, he may be conflicted about being “Interested, but not as interested as you” as opposed to “Interested, but…actually, nah, not that interested, really.”

    Likewise, he may not be used to having a woman “pursue” him, or attempt to escalate like this. Or he may be extremely cautious about “leading someone on,” and be concerned that accepting this gift might be a current promise of what he sees as a future obligation, where he’s presently uncertain about that future, even if he likes where things are currently.

    So, is there such a thing as moving too fast? Yes, and this is it: it’s moving quickly when the other person wants to move more slowly. That’s different from “when the other person doesn’t want to move at all.” If he’s really not interested, and knows it, then yeah, time to call this off. But if he’s interested, just not as interested as she is, that’s a different story.

    I think his reasons for being as-yet-uncertain are good ones. If he still feels like there’s more he wants to get to know about her…then he should get to know that about her and figure out where he stands. But do it sooner rather than later. You can only wait so long making up your mind before you’re really not actually making up your mind anymore, but rather are simply putting off the unpleasant task of calling it off with someone.

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  7. Mrsrightnyc Says:

    I think you might be reading a bit too much into her gifts. If you are uncomfortable with the tickets, I would tell her that since the relationship is so new that she should hang on to them and that if you are still together in May you would love to go with her. As for the passport, my guess is that if she hasn’t brought up you coming on the trip she may just be trying to gauge if you have any interest in international travel at all to determine her interest in a future and compatibility. Personally, it would be a red flag if a guy your age had never travelled internationally. I’d take the wallet and apply for you passport. It’s going to take 6+ weeks to get it anyway and by that point you may have more clarity about where the relationship is going. At worst, if you break up you’ll have a back up form of ID.

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    • Sherry Says:

      “Personally, it would be a red flag if a guy your age had never travelled internationally.”

      77 percent of all American adults over the age of 25 have never engaged in any type of international travel whatsoever. Lack of international traveling experience is only a red flag for unrealistic people who are totally clueless as to how the vast majority of society lives.

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      • The D-man Says:

        Yeah, seriously. I didn’t do much international travel until I was 30, and since then I’ve been to 13 countries. Not everyone can afford to go in their twenties.

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  8. Noquay Says:

    This woman is over giving big time; trying to”buy” a committed rship. You (OP) do sound ambivalent towards her yet 6 weeks is waaay too soon to commit. Previous commenters have it right; get the passport, quietly, as it’s a really good form of ID and tell her to hold on to the tickets, see how things stand in 6 months.

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  9. Steve Says:

    I just had to write in and offer an alternative opinion. If I had to do it all over again, in my 20’s, I would have pursued more serious relationships with girls that were interested in me. I passed on so many. Now in my late 40s I only have regrets about the solid chances I passed up, waiting for someone “better,” pursuing a successful career, and then serially dating because I thought I was the player.

    Dude, this chick in her 20s is in the prime of her attractiveness. She is a competitive athlete, so I presume she is super fit (and super sexy hot). And you say she is “extremely cute, amazing smile, good sense of sarcastic humor, and seems career driven.” And she’s investing in you. No woman has ever done that for me. As you get older and find yourself paying for everything in dating, her investing in you becomes more appreciated. What I’d give to have a relationship like that now.

    She sounds like an amazing woman. Go ahead and be ambivalent and turn out like me! Or move forward and explore a new path by taking chances together and sharing in risks. You may find that working through these challenges together will grow the relationship.

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      Very fitting for the season! You’re the Ghost of Dating Yet to Come, trying to convince this Scrooge-y guy to change his ways :)

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  10. Selena Says:

    I think giving tickets to an event 6 months in the future after only dating 6 weeks is heavy handed. And a passport application???? No. Not acceptable at that point.

    However, I don’t think at 6 weeks in you have to DO anything about these presumptuous gifts. I don’t think you need to have a “talk” about them. You may be together in May. If you break it off before then, simply give the ticket back. You may want to travel abroad with her next summer. If not, the passport app isn’t taking up much space in a drawer.

    If you like the woman, keep dating her and see where it goes. You have gained some insight into how ‘forward thinking’ she is and that’s not a bad thing to know. You still only need do what YOU feel comfortable doing.

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