Why “No Hook Ups!” Disclaimers In Your Profile Don’t Work

December 29th, 2014

NEW!, Online Dating, Online Dating Tips, Sex

Last week on xoJane, a post about how a woman found her boyfriend (or a month) on Tinder. onlinedatingcue

To weed guys out, the first sentence of my mini, seven-sentence profile said, “FYI, not looking for hook-ups.” I also made sure my photos were conversation-starters: me with the Chicago Cubs mascot, me drinking out of a coffee mug the size of a gallon of milk and me on Michigan Avenue in Chicago, pointing at a restaurant where I’d waitressed during high school.

Then, over the weekend, a woman let me know that she had linked to a couple of my articles in her OKCupid profile. When I took a look, it was more of the same. Well, it was a lot more of the same. Don’t do this, don’t say that, don’t assume this, etc. For someone who said she loved my advice, it was a little disheartening to see her do everything I say not to do in a profile. In any case, it gave me an idea for a column. So here we are.

The “No hookups!” disclaimers are a waste of time for numerous reasons, which I will get to in a second. Besides being completely useless, they set the absolutely worst tone for your profile. As I explained to someone on xoJane, think of it like this. Imagine you were standing at a party and someone approached you. Before they even get a chance to introduce themselves you stick up your hand and say, “No hook ups!” Not only would you seem completely presumptuous, but you’d come off as overly paranoid and neurotic. The idea that every guy who looks at your profile immediately thinks of all the ways he wants to bang you is pretty conceited.  Sure, that person might eventually (say after meeting you) might want to have sex with you. Those photos of you with your dog on wearing a silly mustache or out clowning with friends don’t automatically make you some kind of sex object. Therefore, it makes the person seem a little full of themselves to assume that just looking at their profile puts someone in a state of arousal.

The other impression a person makes by including this disclaimer is one of distrust and insecurity. The message being sent with the “No hook ups!” declaration is, “I’ve been burnt, so I’m super cautious.” Ugh. Yawn. Next. You are a stranger. A random person on the internet is not scaling those mountainous walls you’ve put up. And if they do..IT’S TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU, either out of desire or desperation.

Here are the main reasons why this disclaimer is a waste of profile real estate:

1. The people just looking to get laid probably aren’t reading your profile any way - If their sole motivation is for Skype sex or sending naked photos or a quick lay, let’s just say they’re probably not very choosey. Anybody or any body will do.

2. Using the word “hook up” in your profile will lead the Hook Up Only people right to you - Key words, my friends. Key words. As I have mentioned before, use of explicit or commonly used sexual terms will pull your profile up when people do searches for those words. Here are some words you should take out of your profile:





One night stand

Hook Up (and Hookup)


Fuck Buddy

3. Disclaimers reveal more about your history than you realize – If we see someone who has the “no drama!” or “drama free” disclaimer, what do we typically think? We assume they’re relationships often involve drama, and that they must contribute to the drama somehow. So, that thing they say they don’t want or don’t do? They actually do. Same goes for casual sex and hook ups. By saying you aren’t looking for a hook up, what people infer from that is that you’ve hooked up casually in the past or at least fallen for certain lines and acts and will fall for it again.

4. People lie - Yes, they see that statement in your profile about not looking for anything casual. Guess what? They don’t care what you want. Your needs, wants, and feelings don’t matter.

5. It’s an automatic turn off for most - Like I said above, a stranger is not going to jump through hoops for you or carry your baggage. That no hook ups disclaimer implies a level of effort required that people just aren’t willing to give. You will weed out just as many good guys as you do losers.

All of that said, I want to now address what you should do if you decide to use sex as a lure in your profile. Either own it and accept that you’re going to get a lot of messages that make your stomach churn or don’t do it. It sucks that we have to tolerate it, but I don’t see all men getting it through their heads that women aren’t just sex objects. Speak up, report them, block them. Do not engage. You don’t have to just sit there and stay quiet. Just understand this: there isn’t a disclaimer known to man that actually works or that shields you completely. Just because you put that in your profile and a guy contacted you anyway doesn’t mean they’re not just looking to get laid or going to want sex.

Right now, I’m speaking specifically to the woman who linked to this site in her profile.


That sermon at the beginning of your profile needs to go. Either present yourself as the extroverted and sexually confident woman that you are or tone it down. Your biggest hurdle isn’t the skeevy messages and flakes and faders. It’s how abrasive and confrontational you sound. That will almost ensure you’ll scare off the guys you actually want. And by “scare” I do not mean “intimidate.” I mean repel. You come off frustrated and burnt out. You are making yourself an easy mark for the very guys you don’t want to meet. Your profile is very sexual, whether you realize it your not. Your photos are provocative. The answers to your questions make it clear you enjoy sex. Being that upfront about your sexuality and intentionally using sex to be more alluring only to be so outraged that guys actually want to have sex with you indicates that maybe you’re not comfortable using sex to get attention.

Using sex as a lure is perfectly okay. But understand that guys will assume you like sex and want to have it. That does not make them bad people or creepers or whatever. Where most of those ass clowns go wrong is by being crude and graphic and focusing only on sex. That’s where they shoot themselves in the foot. Savvy and experienced men know not to do that. So, really what these guys reveal is that they’re horribly socially inept and lacking in experience. Their ineptitude is a great way to screen them out.





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48 Responses to “Why “No Hook Ups!” Disclaimers In Your Profile Don’t Work”

  1. bbdawg Says:

    I disagree with you on the Tinder thing Moxie. I have met several very interesting men on there recently after I (reluctantly) posted the “not here for hookups” line. They also had that disclaimer on theirs. Tinder, especially just gets too awkward with the expectation of immediate sex. In some ways it’s the best site, it has the higher quality men and you only hear from people you are into as well. If you post that you know some men who are looking for hookups only won’t contact you and that’s great. Tinder has expanded into the “relationship” market in my opinion as it is the most practical for busy people. Not everyone is looking for NSA.

    I did this after getting too many lewd on intro messages and noticing that men also had that up on their profiles. This way I can cut people off immediately without feeling as though I was under the obligation of putting out just because I replied to them. I have been going on a couple of dates with someone I met on Tinder who I met for dinner on the first date. No sex thus far. Great connection. On to third date soon. Granted this person is divorced with children, i.e. not desirable for most women for that reason, but interesting to me.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 9

    • Julie Says:

      A woman posting “No NSA” doesnt come across in the same way that a man who posts “No NSA” does. Would you advise your brother to open his profile with “I love beer, pizza and football” because he saw it on a couple of women’s profiles?

      Instead of advertising for what you DONT want, advertise for what you do and reject anyone who doesnt fit the bill.

      As Moxie pointed out, the dick pic guy isnt reading your profile and the relationship guy doenst want a laundry list of your negativity and baggage.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 8

    • Nicole Says:

      That’s a good point about Tinder… When I was on OKC I just checked only the long term dating box and left it at that, but does Tinder even have that kind of a selection box to choose? Also on the more “traditional” sites you can look over someone’s profile and see if they have taken the time to write anything about their job, hobbies, etc or if they’ve just posted a bunch of half naked selfies.

      There are people everywhere just looking for NSA hook ups and if the site doesn’t give you a subtle way of indicating that hook ups aren’t your thing, maybe you do have to be a little more proactive about it.

      (And bbdawg good luck with the new guy … those connections are rare … and some of those divorced-with-kids men are so worth it ;) )

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 1

      • AC Says:

        “When I was on OKC I just checked only the long term dating box and left it at that, but does Tinder even have that kind of a selection box to choose?”

        Unless something’s changed in the past few months, no. Honestly, I don’t understand why anyone would use Tinder to try and find a relationship. It’s a hookup ap designed for the younger crowd. Not to mention the flake factor is through the roof.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 8

        • bbdawg Says:

          It’s New York. Tinder is just so much faster…and you can really zoom in the area where you want people to be from, it has a mile-by-mile selection. A big deal if you live in Manhattan and want people who live nearby. Location is a big deal for me and Tinder makes it such that it’s easy to state that upfront and drop people who live far. As I had said on another thread, I get tons of messages from men who live far, as in other countries and states on OkCupid. This is something I can control on Tinder.

          There are more interesting men on Tinder now than there are on OkCupid for the simple fact that Tinder is user-friendly to people who aren’t going to spend hours writing long messages (i.e. men who work long hours). The point of these sites is meeting people. Fast. Not writing endless messages. The “relationship” part can only happen if you meet someone you feel some kind of connection with. That you can only sense if you meet in person. In the end it’s about getting in front of people, not obsessing about details. This is why I like Tinder (I also state on my profile “I don’t do chit chat” meaning it’s pretty fast from text to meeting).

          I haven’t had flakes re: dates on Tinder but yes people go on and off on the texting part. It can’t be the only site you’re on, but it’s one of the good ones.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 2

          • AC Says:

            I’m aware of how Tinder works, have used it along with match and okcupid and stand by what I said about the giant flake factor on the site. I live in Jersey City by the waterfront, work in Manhattan and therefore know what “New York” is like. Maybe we’ve maybe we had different experiences but I’m going to stand by what I say. I totally disagree with you about quality because I’ve foubd the women are much higher quality on both OkCupid and match and met nothing but flakes, frauds and asshats on Tinder. To say even though the site is free, it’s not worth the price.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 3

            • bbdawg Says:

              Interesting. Good to know. I guess we’ve had very different experiences.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

              • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                You both are having the exact same experience. AC is annoyed that he’s going on multiple Tinder dates with “flakes” that go nowhere. And bbdawg is THRILLED that she made it to three dates with a nice guy from Tinder and didn’t have to have any sex with him.

                You’re probably dating each other.

                Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 26 Thumb down 3

                • AC Says:

                  I know you’re trying to be funny and that’s okay. Let me clarify what I mean by flakes:

                  If I get a reply from a woman on Okcupid, there’s good chance we’ll end up going on a date (lets say 60-85%).

                  Of all the women I “matched” wit on Tinder whom I messaged, very few replied and about that same percentage faded when I suggested taking things off line…time wasters and attention seekers…

                  I rate Tinder on the same level as Plenty of Fish except that it’s less time consuming.

                  Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 2

          • Chris Says:

            I know you can set a geographic limit on Tinder, but I’ve understood that to mean where people ARE at the moment rather than where they are FROM.
            Am I wrong about this?

            I ask because I live in an area with a lot of tourists, and at any given time there are more tourists than locals. I’ve met and hung out with tourists (though not via Tinder), but find the app limiting for meeting locals.

            Tinder is certainly entertaining, but the flake factor is off the charts.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

            • bbdawg Says:

              Yeah there are tourists but you can usually tell – or just ask directly where they live before going any further. Tinder is impersonal enough that you can wish someone well and unmatch them immediately. I state my neighborhood on my profile and ask directly very early on so as to not waste my time. Sometimes I will match with someone and then I’ll notice a change in the mileage situation and I’ll ask. I haven’t really met people who don’t live here yet.

              I don’t think I understand quite what the “flake” thing means in this context. Men throw that word around a lot without giving some concrete examples. Someone who won’t show up? Someone who doesn’t want to hook up? People canceling last minute? I know I don’t always respond to texts from dudes I matched with. Is that what “flake” means? I sometimes think when men use this word it just means a woman who isn’t down with their agenda.

              Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 4

              • DrivingMeNutes Says:

                To paraphrase the poker adage, if you can’t figure out who the flake is? It’s you.

                Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 4 Thumb down 6

      • Greg Figueroa Says:

        Proactive? It’s like saying your allergic to hook ups on your profile. A lot of men out there aren’t going to be detered by that at all. There is no code of conduct. “Well! She said no one night stands for her, let me respect that.” You know why a lot of men ignore that because women say that and still hook up with a guy on the first date or second or third. SO They take the chance that maybe you will be one of those women.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 5

  2. Sylvia Says:

    Wow. First of all, the person who’s profile you mention is one of my closest friends, and we IM’d about the exchange the day it happened.

    We both enjoy your column and discuss thing privately as well as comment under our real names/initials. And to clarify–she said she liked the column, not necessarily the advice. This and a couple other key facts here in your post are just plain wrong.

    The biggest issue is that it wasn’t she who who reached out to you but rather you who contacted her wanting to know how she’d found your OKC profile. (I assume you saw the trackback which is how you found her.)

    Anyway, she explained how she easily found your profile—which I won’t put out here—and you said ok and that was that. Seemed pretty pleasant to me.

    Finally, I don’t disagree that my BFF is unabashedly comfortable with her sexuality and her photos and questions support that. In fact, she’s told me my own profile is a bit too girl next door and it was true.

    But no where in her profile does she say she not interested in sex–and I know she’s even fine with casual sex. She’s just not interested in “one and done” conquest sex and that’s fair.

    Anyway, I’m not sure what you were going for with this post. Given no one else aside from me saw the exchange I’m curious what readers will actually have to chime in about.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 27 Thumb down 8

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      The biggest issue is that it wasn’t she who who reached out to you but rather you who contacted her wanting to know how she’d found your OKC profile. (I assume you saw the trackback which is how you found her.)

      I didn’t say she reached out to me, though she kind of did by viewing my profile. As I’ve said, that’s a way of initiating contact with someone. I said she let me know that she linked to my site. I only discovered it because she showed up on my visitors list and I recognized her. For some reason, I thought she was someone I did a profile review for, so I contacted her and asked how she found my profile. She said:

      You use the same photos on your OKC profile that you use on your blog. It wasn’t hard. I was just curious to read your profile and see how you’ve put your advice to work for yourself.

      I wasn’t upset or bothered. I didn’t really care, other than it just further exposes me on OKCupid, which is going to happen regardless. I’ve linked to it on here before. It’s not like she’s the first person to find my profile that way and creep my profile. Just a few weeks ago, the old commenter Vox “happened” across my profile and then pretended not to know who I was, and a few weeks before that an xoJane commenter that I recognized was looking at it. It’s just part of the deal.

      I didn’t write this to be rude. But since she felt so free sharing our private communications with you, I don’t feel bad that I showed her profile to some of my friends. So, if they’d like to chime in and add anything, they’re free to do so.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 14

    • LostSailor Says:

      But no where in her profile does she say she not interested in sex–and I know she’s even fine with casual sex. She’s just not interested in “one and done” conquest sex and that’s fair.

      Her comfort level with sex isn’t the issue. The issue is she’s sending conflicting messages, using “sexy” photos as an allure while loudly proclaiming that men interested in sex shouldn’t apply. Combine that with the brassy attitude and most reasonable men will see that as spelling trouble. The issue is that putting all those “No Hookups!!!!” disclaimers all over the profile won’t accomplish her goal. The “don’t try to convince me that you’re ‘different’ and the ‘best I’ve ever had’ just go away” won’t make them go away. As others here have said, it’ll just encourage them.

      A much better approach? Don’t give instructions and don’t mention sex at all in the body of the profile. Trust me, the guys she wants to attract will assume that if things click, sex will happen in time. Or not. Just don’t go there…

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 21 Thumb down 15

      • Millie Says:

        Hmm. Given your established stance against feminism I’ll just say your two cents is worth just that.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 18 Thumb down 9

        • Greg Figueroa Says:

          Feminism is very important, but don’t act like the world lives in a feminism utopia. The majority of guys are not looking at women’s profiles with the eye of a feminist.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 5

          • Millie Says:

            I’m not saying feminism is the answer to everything it that men should look for that. I’ve said I hope for a world where basic decency to everyone is the norm–humanism.

            But I have to say I have rarely seen such a trollish attitude toward women on social media than the person here whom I’m referencing.

            I would not take his opinion on anything and given Moxie’s feminist hashtags on everything frankly I’m surprised his is the opinion she was seeking.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 14 Thumb down 9

            • ATWYSingle Says:

              Just FYI…Millie and Sylvia are the same person. because, of course.

              Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 10

              • Sylvia Says:

                And what exactly is the big reveal? I posted a question to you under Sylvia in Sept and that was cached into the comment section on my laptop and I hadn’t realized. It was a long comment, much easier than iPhone.

                Nothing I wrote was misleading. I do comment here under my own name, all of my social media is under my own name. I’ve @ replied to you on twitter and have had conversations with the person I’m talking about.

                And I stand by what I said. I have never seen such a disconnect from a seemingly normal person on one site (here) and on another site his account is 100% harassment of feminism and feminists.

                So again my question stands. Of all the people you could choose to get their take you chose his?

                Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 9

      • Joey Giraud Says:

        “The issue is that putting all those “No Hookups!!!!” disclaimers all over the profile won’t accomplish her goal. ”

        Seeking an honorable Prince Charming for a LTR. No Hookups. Like when he comes over after an hour of drinks and takes off his shirt and OMG what a great six-pack and then we do it all night and then the next day no muss and… God, no more of those please!

        Really, NO HOOKUPS, like that guy, I think Peter was his name and what a hot bod he had, wonder what happened to him…. where is his number again?

        I mean it this time; NO HOOKUPS!

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      FYI…Sylvia and Millie are the same person.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 6 Thumb down 11

  3. AC Says:

    Trying weed guys out with disclaimers only encourages them. Think about it. The types that go looking for casual hook-ups will email you just to see if you’re for real because, what’s the worst that can happen….you block them? I doubt they care. It also encourages angry guys to try and push your buttons.

    As frustrating as all of the messages from guys looking for nude picks, couples looking for threesomes, married guys, and all of the other undesirables can be, the best course of action is to ignore them.
    If you must type out your frustrations, do so – just don’t email them to anyone or post them to your profile.

    More important (as Moxie said) disclaimers make you look bitter.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 6

    • Donnie K Says:

      Wow, a thumbs down party over common sense. I guess the “I don’t want to hear it crowd” is out in full force.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 6

      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Nah, it’s probably just one bitter human of unknown gender who’s discovered that by deleting cookies you can click the thumbs as often as you want.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  4. Millie Says:

    I don’t agree. I think witty disclaimers or statements of what you’re looking/not looking for is just good communication. At some point I rejiggered my profile a lot last fall and forgot to recheck ‘single’ and I was getting a ton on poly messages. I realized what happened, fixed it, and sure I still get some marrieds, but a lot fewer.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 16 Thumb down 7

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Selecting your relationship status from a list of supplied options is not the same thing as including a disclaimer. You got a lot fewer messages from poly people when you checked that box because you likely weren’t coming up in their searches as often.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

  5. LostSailor Says:

    I can’t speak about Tinder because I’ve never used it. But I did read the OKC profile in question and Moxie’s analysis of it is spot on.

    In an odd way, I like seeing profiles like that: the one’s with a laundry list of admonitions to potential dates on what they should and should not do. This profile was itself a laundry list of red flags: the “instructions” to men potentially interested, the multiple links, and the line “I have a big mouth” were all excellent tells that I should move on. If I’d come on this profile as a random thing on OKC, I wouldn’t have made it through the first paragraph before bolting.

    The “no hookups!” line is off-putting not because I’m looking just for quick sex–I’m not. (Fine if we click and it happens, but not something I’m actually looking for). But it sends a negative signal about sexuality in general as well as an inability to deal with the realities of online dating as an adult: for unwanted messages, delete, block, and report persistent idiots.

    The links were particularly egregious. If you can’t explain yourself in a profile, I’m not jumping through hoops to look at all the links you’re posting. I don’t know you so this far you’re not worth it. It also shows some laziness; links are easy, crafting a thoughtful profile takes work. If you’re posting links and instructions, you’re not willing to put in the work, so probably not worth my time.

    Moxie is quite right. A profile like that isn’t going to screen out the creeps, they’re socially inept and aren’t going to follow the “instructions” anyway. But it’s going to definitely and actively repel the type of man she claims she’s trying to attract (though that “what I’m looking for in a man” part is so generic as to be worthless).

    Moxie’s correct: that profile showcases a woman who comes off as abrasive and confrontational. Definitely not what any quality man is looking for…

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 21 Thumb down 15

    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      Ultimately, sending a quick message on dating websites is very low effort for a guy.

      Just filter out guys who come on strong sexually.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 4

    • Donnie K Says:

      All good points. I can’t help but wonder if some troll or crybaby is going through and marking these posts “thumbs down” because they’ve got nothing better to do.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      “I have a big mouth”

      That kind of honesty is so rare, and extremely valuable.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  6. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    To me, the “no hook ups” line on Tinder is akin to people who write things like “I don’t normally do online dating”, etc. It just comes across as thinking you’re super special, cute and unique for being literally just like everyone else. Like, women are generally not looking just to hook up. Guys know it. It’s not a new thing. And, every second profile says it. So, you probably do not need to announce it anymore than you need to say “oh, by the way, I really like shoes and handbags!”

    Frankly, it’s kind of vague anyway. Like, does that mean you won’t want to “hook up” ever, even if we started dating? Obviously you don’t mean that, right? Or does it mean “no one night stands from the Internet” (i.e. oh, you are not a prostitute? Gee, good thing you told me!) So, anyone who was foolish enough to take you seriously probably doesn’t know or care what you’re talking about anyway.

    The simple truth is, most people are morons and online dating is no different. You just need to stomach a lot of shit if you want to participate on the Internet.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 27 Thumb down 0

    • Laszlo Says:

      Exactly. The disclaimer says: I’m on a hookup app* but I’m not on it to actually hook-up. And I reserve the right to define what that means on my terms. Its similar to the preface: “don’t judge me.” Which is really telling you that my feelings and desires have primacy over yours. Men who engage women subject to those kinds of premises get what they deserve.

      *Tinder is a hookup app. If it wasn’t, the issue of the disclaimer (not hooking up) would be null. Tinder may have evolved (devolved?), due to the increasing numbers of participants correspondingly increasing the breadth of potential objectives, but people are deluding themselves if they think that something as reductive as a roulette of facebook pictures is anything more than an extension of the validation machine itself and all its machinations designed around narcissistic supply and demand.

      I know, you are not that kind of girl. I also know that you are on Tinder. So you are at least ‘that’ kind of girl.

      Sure, exceptions are aplenty, a la “I met my BF on Tinder and he is great!”. But we’re talking in generalities as to strategies to employ to produce higher probabilities of positive outcomes. You want to swing on the tails of the bell curve, go right ahead. Just keep on asking questions you don’t want answers to, it keeps a lot of blogs in business.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 3

      • Alice Says:

        Holy shit, tell it like it is. Everyone is perfect until they aren’t perfect anymore… and then they don’t wanna talk about it. It’s all a big giant mind game of self delusion and egotism. When you put it like that anyway…I realize this post is pretty old but it spoke to me because I’m newly single and trying to figure out the next step in this hyper technological world. It “seems” like Tinder is the place to be, even though I know it’s a dirty terrible idea and not anything near what I’m looking for, if it is for some that’s awesome. But your post solidified it for me, doing it just cause everyone is, won’t get you where you truly wanna be…unless, that’s truly where you wanna be… So, honestly, thank you. After your post I know Tinder is not even worth my time or the confusion I have found it will undoubtedly cause me,

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  7. Shadowcat Says:

    The idea that every guy who looks at your profile immediately thinks of all the ways he wants to bang you is pretty conceited.

    No,actually it isn’t, it just means you don’t have a naive attitude about men. I like the rest of her article, but XOJane’s writers tend to be a bit on the young side, and there are some harsh realities they have yet to accept.

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    • Donnie K Says:

      Um….no. All the disclaimers make you come across as overly cynical and bitter. Yes, men wanna bang women but guess what….that’s never going to change, just the same as omen being attracted to alpha males ain’t changing either. It’s called biology. Anyone who can see that isn’t living in the real world.

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  8. Millie Says:

    Ok, I guess I’m done here. I have enjoyed this blog and the comments for almost a year now but I’ve lost all credibility in Moxie. To recap:

    –Moxie misleadingly wrote that this person contacted her. She didn’t. It was a friendly exchange with first names and everything My friend even asked it it was ok if she linked back. Call me crazy but most bloggers like linkbacks.

    –My friend did *NOT* invite public scrutiny and judgement of her profile. She did not contact Moxie, nor did she submit a question. Yet despite her saying she was not upset, clearly she was very upset someone did not take all of her advice.

    –Moxie chose to make it not only personal and public but obnoxious using words like “Gurl.” [eyeroll]

    –She shared my friend’s profile with “a few friends” but the only one who admits to having seen it is the World’s Biggest Misogynist.

    –Moxie has declined to explain why she chose him of all people. I mean I don’t require my friends to have the same beliefs and values. The explanation could have simply been that. But I imagine it is pretty horrifying to be a self-proclaimed feminist who is “friends” with someone who constantly trolls and harasses feminists on Twitter and posts stuff like the “Menstrual Blood Challenge” being the next Great Idea. So funny!

    I guess I’m done here.

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    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      You’ll be back. Next time, in the form of a swan perhaps.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      As I’ve said numerous times, if I catch someone in a lie, that’s it. I’m out. I don’t have the energy to investigate you and Sylvia and Sylvia and you. You two have the same IP. Therefore, you two are the same person and you are the person whose profile I’m discussing in the post. Done. Sorry I;m not stupid and figured that out.

      I can’t follow your explanation of that and I’m not going to try. You’re all over the place And your temperamental bullshit is exhausting and embarrassing. You’re taking this all way too personally not to be the person in the profile.

      I owe you NOTHING, least of all who I choose to interact with in my real life. You clearly have a great deal of time on your hands to be creeping profiles and tweets and this blog and writing comment after comment desperately seeking attention. All of that automatically makes you someone I want nothing to do with.

      How you’re acting in these comments is EXACTLY how you come across in your profile: confrontational, argumentative, and irrational. You’ve manufactured a ridiculously flimsy argument out of nowhere just because you’re butthurt because I said your profile needed changes.

      Leave. Stay. I don’t really care. You’ll return, no doubt, to avenge your “friend” or get into another argument.

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  9. D. Says:

    So, the aspect about sending out negative signals by posting a bunch of disclaimers and dealbreakers has pretty much been covered. Bottom line: you know what your dealbreakers are. Trust yourself to spot them if they come up, and that you can weed them out if you choose to.

    I think, however, that the dealbreaker/disclaimer thing has a different impact, though, on one’s own mindset and attitude towards dating. When you’re posting “No [dealbreakers], please!” in your profile, even if you aren’t actually bitter, you’re at least approaching dating from a kind of defensive position. Obviously, if you feel the need to say something like “Nobody who hates/likes cats should contact me,” you are already assuming that (A) these people will contact you, and (B) this is such a burden that you need to screen them out.

    This kind of mindset can very easily transition into “defensive dating,” where you’re spending all your time trying to spot what a person’s problems are, and putting them up against a list of things you do or don’t want, to see if they match up. The problem with this is twofold.

    First, you can actually push away people that would otherwise make you happy. It’s fine to have dealbreakers and must-haves. Everyone should. But if you spend your time focusing on people’s negative qualities, you’ll miss their positive ones. Whereas, if you focused on the positive, you might actually not mind the negative all that much. So, even beyond the other person saying “Fuck this. I don’t want to date Negative Nancy,” you might find yourself only seeing the bad in other people out of some effort to protect yourself from “wasting your time” or “getting hurt.”

    Second, the obverse can be true. When you live your life by these lists of dealbreakers and must haves, you can also end up missing things that SHOULD clue you in to run for the fucking hills. You can end up so laser-focused on the list you’ve already come up with, that you’ll ignore or miss what should be an obvious red flag.

    Ultimately, the goal should be to approach dating by being present in the moment, and getting an overall feel for the other person. Towards this end, you have to accept that part of dating involves having your time “wasted,” as well as getting hurt. But those experiences aren’t necessarily bad ones if you learn from them, or even if you just get a good “bad date” story out of ‘em. Dating actually becomes a lot more fun when you can let go of trying to over-control the situation, and just live in the moment. I don’t mean cast all common sense to the wind and just wing it, but rather don’t be so concerned about predicting what’s to come that you aren’t paying attention to what’s happening now.

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    • Noquay Says:

      Your words are awesome! The only disclaimer I write in my profile is my extreme allergy to cigarette smoke. Establishing my airway is probably not something one wishes to do on a first date. Yep, the hooker-uppers do not generally read your profile anyway, nor do the local desperates. Folks lie about what they want. Dating includes an element of risk, and in my case, a lot of wasted gas and wear and tear on the car. No getting away from that. Dating anyone from outside carries a huge risk of their having a wife/girlfriend back home. Again, people lie. The only way to totally avoid this is to stop dating for good. Women have to read HIS profile, any emails, look for red flags. I am also an advocate of talking at least once as stuff like foul language/offensive, racist speech/disconnect between profile and person/general weirdness may be detected. Stickng with the paid sites weed out a lot of time wasters and down and outers. The bottom line is we chix have to get our heads out of the clouds, use our Spidey senses, pay attention and understand that 99% of those we meet aren’t going to work out.

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  10. Fyodor Says:

    How you state and express your preferences tells people something about your personality and social aptitude.

    Here’s a though exercise for the women. How would you respond to a guy who says in his profile or on a date that he’s sick of taking women out on lots of expensive dates who aren’t that interested. Or that he’s not interested in women who want to date for long periods of time before having sex?

    I think that most women understand that men don’t like either of these things. But if he put it in his profile you’d be turned off. You’d think that he’s (A) a loser who has had a bunch of bad experiences with women (B) takes a problematically suspicious and confrontational approach to dating (C) will be spending his dates looking for hints that you aren’t being sincere or are otherwise a problem.

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  11. Laszlo Says:

    Agree on the disclaimers, though for different reasons. Sure, focus on what you have to give rather than what you expect to get. Don’t presume to be the prize unless you desire a supplicating male who has no idea how to be the man that you (likely) desire.

    That said, online “dating” is not dating; it is merely a tool to generate and filter perceived options. The entire premise is constructed on feeding one’s desire for validation and optimizing one’s perceived options while providing buffers from rejection and risk – all while minimizing one’s investment of time, money, emotion, risk, trade-offs, and prioritization (among other things) that do not translate well into “real life” which, of course, is constructed on these very foundations.

    “Oh, but I’m just too busy to “date”!”
    If you don’t have time to invest in the pursuit of a potential relationship, how do you expect to have time to cultivate one once that potential is in-hand? If you don’t have time to put yourself into real life situations in which people of similar interests and values and goals similarly gather (invest their time) perhaps you aren’t prioritizing your stated desire for a relationship. What you really desire are free options; to harvest something you did not sow, to avoid confronting the real in favor of the ideal.

    Perhaps Tinder has come full circle as THE (online) dating app/method due to its preselective methodology and parsimonious tack, but this is hardly something to celebrate. The multitude of veiled attempts to project an image in hopes of trumping the fact that the medium is the message, whether that is “no hookups” on Tinder or “Those days are behind me” on OK Cupid, matters far less than the fact that he/she is utilizing said medium.

    Tinder is for hooking up. It is no accident that it originated in the gay hookup community. If you are on Tinder, you are into hooking up. You may not be into hooking up with me or the 1,000 other guys you swiped through, but this is not the same as “not into hooking up”. You desire to ride the hookup train while simultaneously (falsely) elevating yourself above “hooking up” because you are “not that kind of person.” Again, the medium is the message. Disclaimer or not, you are the kind of person who is on Tinder. The rest is just rounding errors.

    Don’t confuse what you have to tell yourself in order to rationalize your choices or dilute your agency or project that image of the kind of person you desire to be, with what your actions and choices communicate on their own. Its about as useful as “I’m not that kind of girl” or “I never do ‘this'” as your panties fall to the floor. Cheers.

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