Why Women Don’t Like Last Minute Date Requests

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Maurlinadatingfail2

Comment: Hi Moxie,

I found your website though the Frisky and then started reading your articles and comments on XOJane. I’m hung up a guy, my friends are too nice about it, and I think I need some real talk.

We met through a professional development session. We started talking and right from the start I felt super comfortable with him. I could tell he was  very into me and a little nervous but he asked for my email so he could “send me resources.” That night all I could think about was oh, this could be it (not marriage, but a  meaningful relationship. I date a lot but have only had that feeling 3 times total. In general I’d rather be happily single than with a mismatch.

We saw each other the next week at Christmas party, made loose plans to hang out the next day which never happened so I asked him out for drinks that next Friday.

We have a good time talking at the bar with our knees brushing up against each other and talking about things that felt meangingful. Then came back to my place, a little touching, a little dirty talk but the clothes stayed on. He messaged me that night saying he had a great time. Two days later I asked if he wanted to do an activity. He said Saturday might work.

So I don’t hear from him, I got a bad feeling but Friday in the afternoon I text him trying to figure whats up for tomorrow. He texts back 6 hours later asking what I’m up to and I say I have plans with friends. He texts me the next afternoon asking what I was up to later. Pissed about his behavior, I say I’m busy and that I had a good time when we went out but I’m interested in a planned ahead date not late night, last minute activities. He says ok see you in 2015! Then we both go visit other places for 2 weeks and I haven’t heard from him except for a Facebook friend request.

Normally I’d write him off as a douche only out for sex, but he is this smart, nerdy, sweet guy who has a job that has him working intensely with a disadvantaged population and he has been recognized for his work. Plus the time we spent together was so awesome.

I don’t know if he’s totally clueless about dating or what. I just can’t make sense of what happened.
Age: 24
City: San Jose
State: California

 

It sounds to me like you both got your wires crossed a bit.  From reading this, it seems like this guy was trying to get together with you. When you said you preferred dates that were more planned out, I think he may have erroneously assumed that texting you in the afternoon to see what you were doing in the evening was what you were asking him to do. To him, sending that message in the afternoon is considered “planned in advance.” Had he been as interested as you wanted him to be, he would have said more than, “Okay! See you in 2015!” That was him peacing out, thinking he had either made yet another mistake or had done what you asked and you were being difficult. It’s possible he saw your insistence to plan things in advance as a hoop you wanted him to jump. Next time, frame that need in a way that conveys your own busy schedule and desire to firm up plans.

It’s normal to want to feel like you matter enough for someone to block out a chunk of time just for you. Nobody likes to feel like an afterthought, and that’s what a last minute or day off request to meet communicates. It says, “I have nothing better to do, so…” Who wants to go out on a date with someone feeling like they’re sloppy seconds?

I’m not sure clueless is the right word for how he acted. I think ambivalent is a better description of his behavior. Dating has become very loosey goosey in that making plans far ahead and all the typical courting rituals we’re used to are no longer common. For people in their twenties, sending last minute texts suggesting a hang out later seems to be the norm. Group dates where someone invites you out to hang with them while they’re with friends are also very common. Singles in their twenties have adopted a very casual attitude towards dating. That changes as you get older.

If he sent you the Facebook request after you two had the text exchanged mentioned in the letter, he could be testing the waters to see if you’re still interested. I would accept the friend request and see what happens next. But what you need to understand is that he probably isn’t in a place where he’s going to be able to schedule dates in advance, either due to his schedule or a lack of desire to do so. Right now, this is what he can offer. He doesn’t appear to be as intensely into you as you are into him. That doesn’t make him a bad person. It just means he’s someone who, for the moment, doesn’t deserve the majority of your focus. Also keep in mind that nerdy, shy, super cool guys can still be douchebags. The douchebag tag isn’t exclusive to Alpha Males.

 

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16 Responses to “Why Women Don’t Like Last Minute Date Requests”

  1. maria Says:

    “nerdy” is the new “alpha”

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 9

    Reply

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      Not really, but “nerd” is cooler then it used to be.

      When I was a teen, calling someone a nerd or a geek was a real insult.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

      Reply

      • maria Says:

        nerd is way cooler than it used to be. comic book movies are not only almost always the top grossing movies whenever they are released, but they have become elevated as more than popcorn movies. comic con attendances are at an all time high (tickets for New York Comic Con this year sold out in a few hours. there was record attendance that surpassed even San Diego Comic Con) big bang theory is the number one show on television. there is absolute no taboo anymore if you are a comic book nerd. You should see the people that come out to comic conventions. gone are the days of sweaty, fat fan boys.
        Its hard for older people (i assume in the mid to late 40s and 50s that mostly comment here) to understand but the nerdy, plaid wearing, hipster aesthetic is the new alpha. how many letters have been written here by women who thought they were dating some nerd that they thought was undesireable but that nerd ended up treating them the same way as an alpha would?

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

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    • Webb Says:

      Only for people who don’t know what Alpha means

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 2

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      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Indeed.

        Alpha isn’t the same as rich, and other then being the first letter of the Greek alphabet, it means prime, dominant, powerful, commanding, and above all very, very masculine.

        Sweet nerds may be your cup of tea, but that doesn’t make them alpha males.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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  2. Yvonne Says:

    From everything that the OP wrote, it sounds like she was the one doing all the pursuing. After meeting him at the seminar and then running into him at a party, she asked him out for drinks. They go out, and then two days later, she asks him out again. He’s vague about weekend plans. She then texts him and it takes him 6 hours to respond. When she complains, he makes another vague statement about seeing her in the new year.

    Way too much pursuit of this guy going on here. There is no need to chew the man out. If you want to see him but want him to contact you sooner, tell him you’d love to see him, but already have plans. But frankly, I don’t think he’s interested enough.

    In my opinion, once the OP asked her guy out for drinks, the ball was then in his court to follow up with any future dates. But rather than waiting a bit to hear from him, she only waited two days before asking him out again. Sometimes people who have just met need a little time apart to think about the other person. In the early stages of dating, I’ve found that a man who’s truly interested won’t hesitate to ask me out, and will often make plans or express a desire to see me again at the end of the date. Pushing a man to do something he’s not ready to do always backfires.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 37 Thumb down 1

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  3. Kyra Says:

    I just really like to have my schedule in order and be given time to get ready. I don’t like rushing off to meet someone and feeling like I’m running a marathon just to hang out with them.

    And if it’s a weekend, I likely will already have plans. You can ask, but it probably won’t happen.

    I feel like the letter writer really chased this guy, when the effort just wasn’t there on his part.

    If you’re going to tell someone that you prefer planned ahead dates, you have to give them a proper timeline. “I like to have my schedule planned out a few days ahead. Unfortunately I already have plans this weekend, but I’d love to see you again. Are you free next [whenever]?” Works way better than getting pissy.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 2

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  4. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “That night all I could think about was oh, this could be it (not marriage, but a meaningful relationship….)”

    Right because marriage would be just crazy talk whereas a “meaningful relationship” within hours of meeting someone sounds like a perfectly sensible expectation.

    May I ask what exactly you were drawn to in him? Specifically was it something unique about his interaction with you personally or was he just inherently, generally awesome, ie funny, physically attractive, charismatic? Because, if he’s just generally attractive that means there are a dozen women chasing after him just like you. He has the pick of he litter and that would explain why you’re being treated accordingly.

    Tough love requested? Tough love served.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 2

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      **May I ask what exactly you were drawn to in him? Specifically was it something unique about his interaction with you personally or was he just inherently, generally awesome, ie funny, physically attractive, charismatic?**

      Always crucial questions to ask.

      As Moxie said, the FB friend request means you still have a shot and the bridge isn’t burned. I’d keep things in play *only* if you can match his energy/interest level (this is best accomplished by having an attitude of, “He has options? So do I” and actively dating others). If the lopsidedness is gonna drive you crazy, I’d let it go.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 2

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    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      She loves his carefree attitude.

      And if he wanted just sex, he could have play the game and set up the second date, but his interest wasn’t that high. You are telegraphing that it is right around the corner.

      People should really not get mad if someone in the early going doesn’t have their extreme high interest.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  5. bbdawg Says:

    I am not sure this is as much about “young people’s dating behavior” as it is about lack of interest. From the OP’s letter this man hasn’t exactly asked her out, he has only contacted her as a last-minute option (“saturday *might* work?) and has expressed very little interest in actually seeing her. A man asks for the OP’s email and he is immediately “meaningful relationship” material?????

    The OP then goes to bar, brings dude home, makes out with the guy, and he does not call her two days later…she calls him instead..sure he had a great time, sex was on the table…and yet another time the OP reaches out to him to see if the plans are happening, ignoring the obvious fact the this man is not interested in her.

    I guess I am not reading the guy’s interest anywhere. It’s all in the OP’s head.

    And I agree last minute dates don’t work at all. That’s usually a call for a hook-up, not a date. And every single time someone has really insisted to meet last minute they fade once they realize you’re not meeting them. They just want something that night. That’s what this guy is saying. If the OP wants more than a last-minute option hook up with a man who won’t call her, she needs to move along.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 0

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  6. LostSailor Says:

    I can certainly understand that women don’t like last minute date invitations. That’s reasonable. But that’s not what’s going on here. I agree that people in their early 20s are much more likely to start casually with same-day requests; it’s more of the “hang-out” mentality; usually the planned “date” comes later.

    One thing I’m getting sick of is the “he didn’t respond the way I wanted, didn’t plan ahead, so he’s only a douche who just wanted sex.” Especially here.

    The keys: That night all I could think about was oh, this could be it (not marriage, but a meaningful relationship…I asked him out for drinks that next Friday….Two days later I asked if he wanted to do an activity…

    OP way overly invested before these two were even vaguely dating. She’s shown her hand by suggesting the first two “dates” and texting him about the second one, and when he responds she’s not available. When he texts the next day, she says she’s busy and gets pissy about it.

    Because she is very attracted, thinking perhaps “he’s the one” and he doesn’t respond as she wishes, she gets angry, thinks he’s a “douche only out for sex” or “clueless about dating.” Well, he’s probably clueless about how she expects him to date her because he can’t see inside her head and realize that he’s potentially “the one.” Must be an asshole. Never mind that she admits that he works “intensely.”

    OP is bouncing between the extremes of “he’s awesome” and “he’s a douche.” Sorry, but that’s all on her, not him. He’s shown he’s interested, but after only one date, he’s wisely not invested yet.

    So how does the OP rescue this one? Take a deep breath. Take a step back. Relax. The holidays are a stressful time to date, but they’re over. Everyone is back to work and busy catching up. If you haven’t already, accept the Facebook friend request. Text, chat. If he’s nerdy and nervous, perhaps talk about an activity, but don’t specifically ask him to do it with you, let him do it. Let things progress a little more organically.

    You’re trying to rush everything. It’s not that he’s clueless about dating (he may be, I have no idea), it that he’s clueless about the expectations you’ve been spinning in your head. If you relax and just enjoy being with this man, your chances increase. Maybe it’ll be a relationship or even marriage, maybe it will fizzle and die. No one can know. But give yourself a chance…relax. These things don’t happen overnight. Just chill…

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 12 Thumb down 4

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  7. Steve from the City Next Door Says:

    We saw each other the next week at Christmas party, made loose plans to hang out the next day
    so it seems short notice is OK.

    He texts me the next afternoon asking what I was up to later. Pissed about his behavior, I say I’m busy and that I had a good time when we went out but I’m interested in a planned ahead date not late night, last minute activities
    where I come from afternoon does not imply late night..I mean sure there would likely need to be travel time,etc. Afternoon at the latest means 4pm….so add 4 hours and you are only 8pm…still not late night.

    My first impression was a guy trying to find time…but others pointed out that he little interest earlier so probably they are correct in this case that is was just empty time.

    I don’t know about you all, but the people I know all have crazy schedules and not a whole lot of control over them. I would need to make a date at least 9pm during the week to really be sure I could make.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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  8. Maurlina Says:

    OP here. I would say Moxie made a very fair assessment of the situation. I can see I got way too intense because I’ve been wanting to be in a relationship now that I’m settled down in a new city and a new job. The reason I felt so intense right away was because it was really easy talking and joking with him and it’s rare for me to meet someone whose sense of humor meshes well with mine. And I’ve accuratly predicted when I’d met new and good/best friends within our first conversations, so I trust my gut about meeting new people. But friends don’t evolve in the same way as new relationships. : \

    And then I pursued him intently because he kept texting/emailing all friendly and I thought he might be to shy to ask me out.

    I still feel sad about the way it turned out. But ultimately it is all a learning experience and next time I meet someone I click with I will chill out and not try to push to much to soon. But as a follow-up question to everyone: do you think I should I have different dating expectations for people I meet in real life as opposed to OKC where the expectation is going on dates?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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    • PwdrPuff Says:

      do you think I should I have different dating expectations for people I meet in real life as opposed to OKC where the expectation is going on dates?

      I think early dating is all the same, regardless of where you end up meeting. To echo Moxie’s words, It means nothing, until it means everything. As in, early dating is very tumultuous, especially for anxious daters. Try to take it one day at a time at the beginning, and don’t take it too personally or run after men who show less interest than you.

      Even shy or reserved guys will pursue interested women he actually wants. A guy isn’t a jerk just because he isn’t fully interested in you, just like your’re not a Bitch because you don’t reciprocate every guy that shows interest.

      I hate tests, but a pretty good indicator whether someone is truly interested is to hang back a bit and let him come your way. If you have to run him down for a date, especially at the beginning, than it’s not a complete love match on both sides. Don’t waste time with these, because they rarely work out. Good luck.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  9. Jenny Says:

    In case you’re feeling bummed, please be rest assured you did not drive him off with your pursuit, or your response to his late afternoon text. You just revealled the inevitable earlier. This guy wasn’t that interested. He wasn’t going to turn around and be interested and pursue you. He’s just not “there” and you didn’t ruin your chance at anything. Based on my many years of dating experience, before I met my husband, a solid relationship never makes you feel bad or unsure, even in the beginning.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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