What Is Really Behind Our Psycho Dating Moments?

January 13th, 2015

Awkward, Bad Dates, Dating Realities, NEW!

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Katesadsingle
:
Comment: Hi,

I have a fairly complicated issued. I was set up by our parents on a date with a wonderful guy, who was everything I was looking for on paper. We had our first date 6 months ago and it was perfect. He even told me that we should start dating each other seriously so that we could get engaged in a year. We met again on a second date and it was perfect again. During the first date, I made a comment about his appearance that he took offense to. After our second date, we were in contact but he was getting quieter. I finally decided to ask him where things are headed and he said that our families are too involved for things to work out. I was shattered. Here we were talking about how many kids we’ll have and all of a sudden he broke up with me. I obviously didn’t take the break up to too well and I told him. I tried to keep in touch with him but he would only speak to the point. After a few months, I finally decided to write a letter to him, telling him how I felt. After reading the email
he told me that he broke up with me because I made a comment about his appearance. I told him I was sorry but he said he’s not looking for a serious relationship. We spoke after that and things were getting better and I asked him to meet me but he said he was not ready to do that. I tried to lighten the situation by being funny in my texts but he wasn’t responding. After I sent him a message that he should respond when someone texts he said that this is why he didnt respond because I dont stop.. What should I do? I cant get over him, I know he’s the one for me. But I don’t understand how he can switch from being so into me to not.
Age: 26
City: Boston
State: Massachussets

I have to say that I find this letter very troubling.

You are alarmingly fixated on this guy you only met twice. I am going to guess that this is a big part of the reason why he’s trying to cut you off. You’ve freaked him out. There’s no coming back from that. More alarming is that this guy is clearly giving you the indication that he does not want to hear from you and you are ignoring that. If the genders were reversed, the guy would be called a creep.

You’re acting like a creep. Stop it.

As for his bizarro statements on the first date about getting engaged, I’m not sure if he’s just a weirdo or if you took something he said and misinterpreted it. Whatever the situation is, this whole thing sounds like a disaster.

I understand that it’s hard to meet a great guy and think things are going well and then have that attention and prospective new relationship abruptly disappear. That stings like a motherfucker. So I get why you’re trying to cling to this, as you probably think you’ll never meet another guy like this. That attention feels really good, especially if you don’t get it very often. And when it’s ripped away, all you want to do is get it back.

I want to say that you will, but there’s a caveat. You need to address whatever it is that has you so alarmingly attached to this guy. Your reaction to his decision to end things is not healthy. That you think he’s “the one” for you still, after all of this, is really, really troubling. You have to go talk to a therapist about this. I think you think that if you could just go back in time and not make the comment about his appearance or whatever that you could change the outcome. Nope. This was always going to happen.

I’m the first person to raise my hand and admit that I’ve held on to certain romantic disappointments far, far too long and beat myself up over them. But in those cases, it’s was because those situations opened the portal to deeper issues I was struggling with. My hurt had very little to do with the guy or what he did and almost everything to do with what that guy’s behavior triggered in me, though the guy’s behavior didn’t help. . Your refusal to accept that this guy doesn’t want to be with you is an outlier to something else entirely unrelated to him. You’re going to need to do some serious digging with the help of a professional to uncover what it is that has you so wrapped up in this guy.

I obviously didn’t take the break up to too well and I told him.

Well, that explains why he’s short and to the point when you try to contact him.  It sounds like you lashed out at him. I’ve done that, too. And, again, my outburst had to do with more than that one isolated rejection. I am going to say that I think yours was, too.

Right now, you need to take some time to figure out why you handled this the way you did and why it is so difficult for you to let go. That’s the priority here. It is not convincing this guy that he is making a big mistake. He’s not into you. He told you that to your face. You need to respect that boundary.

 

 

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15 Responses to “What Is Really Behind Our Psycho Dating Moments?”

  1. BTownGirl Says:

    “My hurt had very little to do with the guy or what he did and almost everything to do with what that guy’s behavior triggered in me, though the guy’s behavior didn’t help.”

    I would like to stitch this on a sampler. I had a year-long relationship end because dude impregnated another woman on the side (A stripper no less! My patrician boyfriend wanted some glitter and a pair of clear heels in his life. God bless.) I’d never been a jealous person before that and I wasn’t really after, I would just want to do a slow, tearful wall slide every time someone I was dating looked in the general direction of another woman. I wouldn’t even say anything to the guy, I would just go into a self-loathing spiral as soon as I got home. Did I really give a rat’s arse about looky-loo-ing? Nope. We’re all human. I look too. I was still miserable, however, because I never dealt properly with The Champagne Room Debacle. Once I did, I felt like myself again.

    Kate, this is no way to live. I totally agree with Moxie that a good therapist will get to the bottom of what’s nagging you into this kind of behavior. In the meantime, remind yourself that this guy has nothing to do with it and, even if you start seeing him again, it’s not really going to solve anything.

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    • Gabi Says:

      Oh man. I know the feeling. Maybe this is just the conspiracy theorist in me, but is he sure the baby is his? Paternity DNA test and all? Strippers do run cons on men as part of their job description, so it only stands to reason…

      I am sorry that you had to go through that, though.

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      • BTownGirl Says:

        If I remember correctly, I was too busy screeching obscenities to ask the Maury Povich Questions, but…it would serve him right. (I’m SO AWFUL!)

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        • Gabi Says:

          Well only with distance can you have objectivity! That is so totally shitty, so I’m sorry dude fucked a clear heels owning gal while he was supposed to be committed to you. But yeah, ugh.

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          • BTownGirl Says:

            SO true! It was about three years ago now and I probably wouldn’t notice if I tripped over him in the street tomorrow. Whenever my friends have been despondent over a dude, I remind them of that fact repeatedly haha!

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    • mxf Says:

      oh man – “slow, tearful wall slide” is a perfect way to describe that moment when you feel your insides wilting. glad to hear you are in a better place now :)

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 1

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  2. Marshmallow Says:

    i’m wondering – from the way she phrased their fix up – if this was supposed to be an arranged marriage or if she comes from a culture where people don’t date casually. If she messed up a fix up between two families, it might explain her hysteria.

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    • Gabi Says:

      Yes, I was wondering if they came from religious families and her blowing it with him means that she has shoulder that shame with not only him, but her parents and her community as well.

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    • CoolDude Says:

      That’s what it sounds like. Anyways, thankfully this guy bounced otherwise the world would just be one unhappy marriage more.

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    • AC Says:

      I was wondering the same thing. Most women (and men) that I know would run like hell if someone they just met suggested they “should start dating each other seriously” so that they “could get engaged in a year.”

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  3. Fyodor Says:

    Here’s what I’d ask the OP.

    1. Was this some kind of arranged marriage? Or some kind of similar cultural arrangement where people go on arranged dates with the intention of marriage.

    2. Have you been on many other dates? Were you this attached to the other guys?

    If a guy gets hyper-serious on the first date, it may be a sign of something wrong with him or he could just be immature and caught up in the moment.In any event, it’s not something that you should rely on.

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    • Chris Says:

      If a guy talks engagement and marriage on a first date arranged by parents, then the most logic explanation is that he is being pressured by his own family to marry.

      The fact that she can’t handle the situation would also imply that she is not going on dates a lot and probably never of her own choice, but is waiting for (or being forced by) the parents to find the “right” guy. Maybe this was her first date ever – at least that’s how she’s behaving.

      That she’s blowing it and then gets snappy with the guy and wants to tell him when he’s supposed to reply to texts, as well as that she criticized physical appearance in his face on a first date are strong indicators that she is a spoiled brat with a bad attitude.

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  4. Snowflake Says:

    Kate, you got attached to the guy after one date. That is the one thing which screams at me from all of this (yes your behaviour after also isnt settling). But you got so attached to him after one date? Are you curious as to why that happened…? Not sure if I read that part in the letter that you acknowledged that is not healthy to begin with. Dating someone and building a relationship (regardless romantic) takes time, and one date is not enough…

    I think you need to consider talking to a professional to find out the root of that and the reactive fall out reactions to portrayed.. I agree with Moxie, if rolls were reversed.. and if the guy did what you did to you… how would you react/feel/behave?

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  5. Alex Says:

    This reads like something that requires more cultural context. If this was something set up by the families , then there is immediate pressure for it to work out. Hence the guy mentioning marriage on first or second date.

    OP is unusually upset and is somewhat immature to be creep like over a dump. She may need to consider whether she’s following a
    social construct that her parents are placing on her.

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  6. I'mnoexpert Says:

    OMG! Laughed out loud at “you’re acting like a creep. Stop it”
    Best advice for this girl.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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