Stop Testing Your F*ck Buddies

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Newly single after 10yr relationshipSEXYTUMB4
Comment: Long story short. Been seeing this guy for 4 months now.

We will text, call, then have dinner and sex at his place. I got over it and told him I wanted to be just friends without the sex. (Of course I wanted more then just sex)

From then on the texting and calls became less and thats where I knew there was no point to talking to this guy, so I cut off communication with him.

Two weeks later I hear from him, he tells me he misses me, that he’s seriously attracted to me, he’s so comfortable around me, that its not just all physical and that he likes me – a lot. He’s happy to just go out as friends.

In the past I’ve stood this guy up 4 times, he told me from the start he doesn’t want a relationship- I never pushed on the topic, guys know what they want. But Why is this guy still trying?? I haven’t made it easy for him. Just want to know is there any potential sign he does actually like me or is he playing me?

He’s the city guy and I’m a town girl, surely he can just hook up with his local girls.
Age: 29
City: wollongong
State: nsw

But Why is this guy still trying??

Because he wants to get laid. As I’ve said previously, people are as sincere as their options. In those two weeks you and this guy weren’t talking, I can almost assure you he wasn’t thinking about you. Sorry, I know that’s brutal. But it’s most likely the truth.

You seem to want to believe that this guy is “chasing” you despite swearing up and down he doesn’t want a relationship. The dream of taming the bad/unavailable guy is one that many women foster. There’s a status to it. That’s why the world fell in love with Annette Bening and Amal Clooney. They managed to get the elusive sworn bachelor to commit. Everybody thinks there’s something unique or special about women who do this, and maybe to some degree there is. But the main reason why they managed to do what other women couldn’t is because the men they “tamed” were simply ready to settle down. By their fifties, the idea of hanging out in Lake Como with their pet pig and their bros got a little stale. These guys found women that made the idea of commitment more appealing and, because they were done with flitting around with someone new every few months, they made the decision to settle down. There was no magic spell involved. They were just ready.

The most likely reason he’s coming back around is because he wants sex. And since he and most savvy men know what women need to hear to have sex, he’s saying it. Could he be sincere? Possibly. Anything is possible. The fact that he said he’s interested in your fake “let’s just be friends” invitation and is effusive in his compliments makes me think he’s being insincere.  Nobody actually wants to be just friends with people they’ve been hooking up with for a period of time. That’s just something you say to be kind or to try and bamboozle someone into continuing to hang out with you in the hopes they’ll reconsider and want to date you. You don’t treat someone like that.

Personally, I’d be super turned off by a guy who continued to pursue me after I blew him off four times. That shows tragically low levels of self-esteem on his part. Or…he just wanted to get laid. You were obviously trying to get a reaction out of him, which makes you a not so nice person. Treating him like that borders on being abusive.

The thing to remember about these little tests that we use to determine if someone is genuinely interested in us is that most experienced daters know they’re being tested. Just because they respond how we want them to doesn’t always mean what we think it means. This is why so many people get screwed over when they engage in these types of scenarios.

If he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship, then I think that’s probably what he means.


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20 Responses to “Stop Testing Your F*ck Buddies”

  1. BTownGirl Says:

    I know when I’m trying to show someone that I’m relationship material, I generally start by standing them up multiple times. Do you actually want this guy or do you just want to “win”?

  2. Snowflake Says:

    I don’t need put a guy I am interested in through a bunch of tests to prove to him or myself that we are r’ship worthy…

    I totally agree with Moxie on that its not “taming the shrew” here its black or white either you are or not ready (simple yes or no). No shades of grey no lengthy maybe or stipulations galore. If they are and they know they are, they will let you know and no test in the world will determine this.

    I also have turned down guys who only want sex, guess what… they keep messaging me up to a point (they get the hint after not responding to their messages). Guys always know what they want. They do not need us to interpret or help them come to this conclusion. They know before they first date if they are ready or not.

  3. AAORK Says:

    LOL .. experience has taught me that the ‘shit-tester’ module is built into every woman’s psyche. Some know how to use it, most don’t. I relate it to putting a light saber in the hands of newbie Jedi – lots of unintended damage usually happens before one learns how to use the tool effectively.

    • Eliza Says:

      Stop generalizing…not ALL/Every woman “tests” men, or pushes the envelope. Just like not all men are only looking for a hook up or to deceive at any cost. Talk about being presumptuous and cynical.

      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Not every dog barks. Not every chocolate bar is sweet. Not every politician lies.

        A few exceptions don’t make the general case wrong. Very nearly all women test their men in ways small and large, and the very few that don’t are most wonderful. They tend to marry young and stay that way.

        Just about every “happy married forever” couple I’ve known had a mellow and calm wife who was stunningly realistic about and accepting of her husband.

        • Chloe Says:

          You are 100% right, I have done this, all of the women I know have done this, but without exception none have done this when they met the right guy, the one who was as interested as they were and made it clear from the start. We test when we feel insecure, we feel insecure when we know deep down we are seeing a million red flags, but women tend to stick at things longer than they should and that’s when the testing occurs. We already know the results of the test but we don’t want to accept the truth.

        • Chloe Says:

          And as an aside we all know many of those `mellow and calm` wives who were bat shit crazy, neurotic, testers in earlier relationships when they were with the wrong guy.

      • AAORK Says:

        Ok, put down the NAWALT banner. What you described in your response is just poor reading comprehension of my comment. You missed the “experience has taught me” qualifier. I’ve had relations with many, many women. Without exception, every one of them revealed the shit-tester sooner or later. Every. Single. One. Hope that helps.

  4. yb Says:

    He disappears for 2 weeks and then you hear from him. And instead of focusing on that you were ignored for 2 weeks, you focus on the one moment in time that you hear from him. I think he was probably bored. And he thinks it is highly likely than he can sleep with you again.

  5. The D-man Says:

    Don’t stand people up. That’s what c**ts do.

    • Eliza Says:

      I agree-people – men too should not stand women up – that’s what “d***cks” do. Be upfront – as to what you want, nothing inherently wrong in wanting a monogymous relationship. 90% of the time, men will tell you want they want – with their actions/inactions–in this case – he actually verbalized it! Listen up…walk away. Why play around with litmus tests? Be mature, and recognize the signs of a dead-end street. Or – option 2: deal with a “fuck buddy” situation and call it a day – that is all it will ever be. He is coming around for SEX, don’t hate the player – “change the game”! You have enough friends…probably a strong supportive circle of friends you can depend on. Cut the crap, about just wanting to be friends. You want more – but the well is dry on this one. Move on. Why are women so damn glutton for punishment? Why? Flip the switch and don’t sell yourself so short.

      • AC Says:

        Anyone who stands anyone up is an asshole- gender doesn’t matter.

        • The D-man Says:

          To me the word “asshole” as an insult is gendered. Hence the common complaint that women go for assholes.

          And yeah a guy who stands up dates is an asshole, or a dick. I have no problem with calling them that.

  6. Yvonne Says:

    There isn’t too much honesty between these two. Seriously, why tell someone you want to be “just friends”, if it’s a relationship that you want? Why try so hard to be the cool girl, if that’s not how you feel? It also sounds rather passive-aggressive to me. If you are so mad at this man that you have to stand him up, why do you want to be with him? Shouldn’t that tell you that he’s not the right guy for you?

    If you think someone is playing you, it’s likely that he is. The bigger question is, why are you playing along?

  7. Mark Says:

    Long story short –

    You need to clarify for yourself what you define as acceptable boundaries. In essence, ignore his communications.

    He needs to realize that he needs to stop nibbling around the edges of possibilities and be an adult about potential relationships of whatever nature. Currently, he seems to behaving like an adolescent who is unsure of what he wants. Not good.

    Whatever it was that you two might have been very early on is long gone.

    Both of you need to do the decent thing and put this to rest. Chalk it up to one of those life lessons, and move gracefully onward. Don’t allow yourselves to be sucked back in to something that was never really there to begin with.

    Best of luck and hope the future improves.

  8. mindstar Says:

    Not standing people up and not lying about what you’re seeking vis avi a relationship would also be a good start for the OP.

  9. At work Says:

    Why are we not allowing for the possibility that he genuinely likes this person and wants to keep her in his life just not in the capacity she originally hoped for? Some of my best friends are women who wanted more so we settled for friends and although it was a bit uncomfortable at first we ended up with each other as lifelong friends i.e. the long-term benefits outweighed the short-term discomfort. Basically why does it have to be black and white? Why are you proposing that the only reason he wants to rekindle the contact is for sex? And I see some comments about how she should be offended by the 2 weeks apart. 2 weeks is NOTHING! In fact… 2 weeks is probably the most minimal amount of time they should have taken a break to get a little perspective.

    • Eliza Says:

      Basically the OP is twisting and turning to a point where she feels the need to write into this blog – seeking insight – as to “why” this guy is acting a certain way–when a wojman does that – clearly – she is MORE interested in merely being “friends” or “friends with benes”. With that said–and the fact that he made it crystal clear – verbally no less, that he does NOT want a relationship – it IS black and white….there is no chance for friendship. If so, she would have already moved on, been dating others, and he would barely be on her emotional radar. If he truly wanted more than just sex, he would have kept in touch, and NOT verbalized his intentions. Take it for what it is –at least he was honest with his intentions. It’s not about what HE wants only–it has to be mutual. The OP seems to want a relationship. Some men (unlike yourself) – do not want to invest any time with women as “platonic” friends–she want “something in return” for their time. They are incapable of being friends.

    • Julie Says:

      I think your sentiment is lovely, but she hasnt proven to be a particularly good friend to this guy. She stood him up 4 times in 4 months and then cut him off. She hasnt expressed any reason why she so desparately wants to be friends with this guy beyond the fact that she “of course wants more” and I’m sure the guy knows it too. So whats in it for him beyond lots of drama with periodic sex?

  10. sj Says:

    Look…he got bored, and is looking for sex, period. He probably does miss the casual friendship. ..that’s probably real. But “friendship” as you guys have practiced it up to today has involved swapping body fluids.

    If you want more, it won’t likely be with him.

    If you want to look for more while keeping the physical part of the friendship going, fine…then own that choice, make sure you both acknowledge it, and go about your life.

    If you can’t do that…also fine…then move on and make sure he understands the clothes stay on going forward. No need to shut him out completely…just keep your clothes on and don’t send confusing signals that either of misinterpret on slip up on.

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