Why Are Players So Attractive To Some Women?

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Jaztextchjeat
:
Comment: My boyfriend and I have been together for the last 3.5 years. We have a really good relationship and are both really happy together. A couple of months ago my boyfriend became good friends with another guy through work. We have gone out together as a group several times and we all get on really well even though my boyfriends friend is a player (he often uses girls for a one night hook up but I merely assumed it was because he had his heartbroken and needed to get over it somehow).

Recently, however, things have started changing. My boyfriends friend asked my boyfriend for my number. Since we get on so well and have had nothing but a purely platonic friendship, my boyfriend gave it to him. His friend reassured him by telling him he could trust him, which my boyfriend was sceptical about but gave him the benefit of the doubt. But my boyfriends friend has done nothing but flirt with me, call me babe and tell me that he doesn’t know what he’d do without me. He then will forward these messages to my boyfriend. Obviously this makes my boyfriend angry as its disrespectful to our relationship and to their friendship. My boyfriend has asked him why he is sending this stuff to his girlfriend to which he replied he wants to see what my boyfriend will do.

Is my boyfriends friend really that immature? Is this really just for a reaction from my boyfriend, for an ego boost? Or does he have feelings for me?
Age: 22
City: Boston
State: Massachusettes

We have a really good relationship and are both really happy together.

If you were really happy with your boyfriend you wouldn’t be wondering if his douchey friend had feelings for you. At the very least, you wouldn’t be trying out this guy’s true intentions at all. You’d just delete and block him and tell your boyfriend that you don’t want to hang out with him anymore.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend’s friend is forwarding these messages to your boyfriend to cause trouble. It’s possible he’s looking out for his friend, but I don’t see many guys going to this kind of effort or really caring all that much about another guy’s relationship. The more likely reason for his obnoxious behavior is to show off.  Something tells me that you’re responding to this guy’s texts in a way that makes this guy think you’re flirting back with him.

To be clear: this friend of your boyfriend is a raging asshole who is not to be trusted. But, as we’ve discussed before, for many women there is an appeal to men like this. For whatever reason, the  value assigned to cocky and disingenuous guys is rather high. Many women find this behavior intriguing enough that they partake in exchanges and interactions with these men despite claiming to find them abhorrent. Why? Because secretly they feel flattered by the attention. Attention from a Player holds far more value than attention that comes from the average guy. The belief is that these types of men are very particular and choosey. Only they’re not. At all. They just like seeing women get all wrapped up in them.

Your boyfriend’s friend is showing a complete lack of boundaries and respect for your boyfriend and your relationship. That should offend you. I’m glad that you told your boyfriend about the texts he sends you, but I have to be honest and say that I question your motives for doing that. If it were me, I would reply back and tell him to stop contacting me. If he continued, then I would say something to my partner.

I think you should be less concerned with the motivations of this guy and more concerned with why you even entertained his nonsense. That choice speaks to how you genuinely feel about your relationship and your boyfriend.

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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15 Responses to “Why Are Players So Attractive To Some Women?”

  1. JayD Says:

    It is the OP who is really that immature. The nonsense from the “player” is an ego boost to her. She enjoys the drama.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 32 Thumb down 3

  2. Speed Says:

    Here is another doomed relationship. As Moxie noted, the OP is clearly enjoying the attention from the “player,” although feigning outrage. If she were truly outraged, she would curtly cut off the player, blocking him if necessary. By receiving the texts and showing them to her boyfriend, the OP is deliberately stirring up drama.

    The boyfriend is also worthless, since he hasn’t cut off (or maybe even beat up) this “friend” who is coming on to his girlfriend. So the boyfriend is also some kind of doormat who is being run over by both his friend and girlfriend.

    This will likely end with the OP hooking up with the player for a while, until he cuts her from the roster. Then she will be confused and hurt and angry and maybe write a blog post about it all to XO Jane.
    But they’re all just in their early 20s in a big city, so maybe this is okay. You’ve got to indulge in some immaturity to become mature.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 36 Thumb down 2

  3. Donnie K Says:

    My initial response while reading this was, “wtf???” until I got to the end and saw the OP is 22. This strikes me as an age/maturity issue.

    “If you were really happy with your boyfriend you wouldn’t be wondering if his douchey friend had feelings for you.” -Probably

    “It sounds to me like your boyfriend’s friend is forwarding these messages to your boyfriend to cause trouble.” -Most likely

    “To be clear: this friend of your boyfriend is a raging asshole who is not to be trusted.” – Nail on the head.

    Whether or not the OP enjoys the attention is one thing. It sounds like her boyfriend needs to do a better job of choosing his friends.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 0

  4. Steve from the city next door Says:

    Why are Players so attractive to so many women? Because that is the skill they developed. They develop the skills that make women find them attractive. If only a few women found them attractive they wouldn’t be players…maybe wannabe’s. If a different skill or whatever was required for women to find them attractive they would have developed that one instead or in addition. Why do all carpenter’s know how to saw wood and nail wood together…because if they don’t they aren’t a carpenter.

    The rest is already well covered here.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

  5. D. Says:

    Is my boyfriends friend really that immature?

    Yes.

    Is this really just for a reaction from my boyfriend, for an ego boost?

    Yes.

    Or does he have feelings for me?

    No.

    Look, any guy who would consciously ask his friend for the friend’s girlfriend’s number, then text or call her to flirt, and then forward the messages back to his friend “to see what he’ll do” is a total fucking asshole.

    You should both cut this guy out of your lives completely. People like this are toxic and shitty. Stop trying to figure out why he’s acting the way he is acting. It doesn’t matter. Just walk away.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 0

    • BostonRobin Says:

      “People like this are toxic and shitty. Stop trying to figure out why he’s acting the way he is acting.”

      Yep. Does the LW want Moxie to tell her what’s really going on? Because it doesn’t matter. Pull the plug on this asshole!

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

  6. AAORK Says:

    Players are players because who they are and what they do .. WORKS. The concept of ‘game’, no matter how often it is openly (and rather disingenuously) criticized by women .. WORKS. It is this bag of ‘chick crack’ (cleverly worded compliments and other ego-boosting expressions) that players dispense like candy to children; it’s simply irresistible to most women (not just some, as suggested). Did I mention? It WORKS! If being a nice, respectable guy yielded the same results as being a ‘player’, then the word would have little meaning and we would instead be talking about something else women weren’t happy about (’cause there always seems to be something, right? ..)

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 7

  7. Snowflake Says:

    The question should be why are you engaging in a douchebag looking for drama and his ego stroked if you are that happy in your relationship?

    The onus is on you and not your bf or the “player”. If my phone number was given out, I would delete and block immediately regardless what the context of the message is. Its not just about my intentions but the impact of any action I make, on my partner. That is what is important.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Exactly…agree with Snowflake. It’s very simple. A player is a player–don’t change the player – change the game. And the onus is ON the OP – and it’s fairly simple, cease all contact, block him, do not engage in any communication or interaction – and let your boyfriend know why–and if he is mature enough he will do the same…obviously the OP is somewhat flattered by all this immaturity–but again–she is 22. And I guess, with that said–It’s somewhat justified – this behavior. And no–not ALL girls find this type of behavior – or that of a so-called player attractive, or view it as having “game”…real women do not bother with such. Moxie hit the nail on the head. The OP does enjoy all this drama. It speaks volumes.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 4

      • AAORK Says:

        A ‘player’ isn’t just born, he’s made. Shaped by experiences and observations that seem to re-enforce what he keeps seeing and hearing (“Girls love @ssholes”, “Good guys finish last”, etc), the ‘player’ is a man who is simply responding rationally to his environment (by changing his behavior) in order to accomplish his biological goals. By trial and error, he learns what works and continues to refine his skills. To reiterate again, ‘players’ are just doing what the majority of women respond to. If women stopped responding to them, the ‘player’ crowd would dry up. Same with ‘game’. Simple as that.

        Yes the OP seems flattered by all this but just because she is 22 doesn’t mean a whole lot. We have all seen this same behavior from OP’s in the 30, 40 and 50-something age ranges as well.

        Regarding ‘players’ and ‘games’, it’s true that not ALL girls find this attractive, but most do. And assuming that “real women do not respond to this”, it really means that “real” women are a distinct minority of the gender.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

        • Julie Says:

          True some players are strategic and responding to negative experiences with women but most are just jerks innately. I remember encountering a decent number of boys in junior high and high school who had virtually no experience with women, no game, and still had very little if any regard for the girls they were trying to hook up with.

          Its true that some women will always chase the bad boy, but for most women the bad boy appeal starts to fade once the woman is old enough to start thinking about maintaining a household. At that point, being with someone who is “wounded”, angry, unpredictable, a big sack of drama, and narcissistic stops being so appealing.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 6

  8. Kyra Says:

    From the very first message the OP should have called out the guy. There is no other response for these types of messages than “This is inappropriate, don’t send me these types of messages.” She should have stopped all contact as soon as this started happening, not wondering what his motives are.

    Obviously the guy is a shitty friend who is trying to break-up their relationship for his own sick amusement. Cut all ties.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 5

  9. Julie Says:

    “he often uses girls for a one night hook up but I merely assumed it was because he had his heartbroken and needed to get over it somehow”

    She’s so perceptive! The only compassionate thing for the OP to do now is save this poor bad boy from his broken heart by showing him what real love is.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 5

    • Jordan Says:

      How are these girls being used?

      They are consensual adults who are capable of making decisions for themselves.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  10. Isambard Says:

    Wow. Just, wow.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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