What If They Don’t Want You To Spend The Night?

A recent snippet of a Twitter conversation I caught was discussing the aftermath of an awkward post-sex scenario many nude-on-bed-008people have faced.

Do you let them spend the night? Are people obligated to sleepover after sex?

The woman was understandably offended and hurt when the guy she had been out with twice accepted her invitation to go back to her place and decided to leave soon after they had sex.

“Is that a bad sign?” she asked.

I have a general rule. If I invite someone back to my place, I don’t expect them to spend the night. However, I would never ask someone to leave. I find that rude. If I invite you into my home, then it’s not just because I want to have sex but because I enjoy your company. If it’s strictly a sex for sex’s sake scenario, then I go to their place and then leave of my own volition.  I don’t make it a habit to ask someone back to my place knowing I will kick them out. If I feel that suffocated by their presence that I can’t sleep next to them, then I shouldn’t be having sex with them.

However…not everybody thinks the way I do. For some people, sleepovers are more intimate and, possibly, intrusive. If a man I had just had some steamy hot raunchy coitus with asked me to leave, I’d be offended. And hurt. I wouldn’t take it as a good sign, for sure. Of course, I’d do what I could to read the situation and not stay past my welcome. Talk of early appointments or needing sleep or just a general shutting down would tell me I needed to skedaddle. I try never to stick around long enough to experience that.

I have a different opinion of guys who have sex at my place, hang for awhile, and then take off. I don’t always assume it means something bad. Many people just like to sleep in their own bed or don’t have fitful sleeps unless they are at home. If that pattern continues, however, I think there might be a problem. I tend to think that sleepover need to start happening fairly soon after you start sleeping together, at least by the third or fourth time you have sex. Not that I think you can ever designate a specific number of times for two people to be comfortable sharing a bed and merging morning rituals.

So what about you? Do you invite first time sex partners to spend the night? Do you get up and leave? Have you ever had to ask someone to leave or been asked to leave? How many times do you sleep together until you spend the night?






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31 Responses to “What If They Don’t Want You To Spend The Night?”

  1. fuzzilla Says:

    I once had sex with a guy and he let me sleep over, but the next morning said, “So, I guess you better get going, the bus is that way.” I of course complied. I saw him one more time, this time at my place, and he excused himself afterward. “I really need to get to the grocery store”…at 9 p.m. on a Saturday. I told him I didn’t want to see him again after that.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I remember I really liked that guy and he was all, “Oh, but I don’t want anything serious, blah blah…” Okay, then buh bye. I mean, it’s not like I expected him to engage me in this cutesy couples montage the next morning where we flew kites and shared ice cream cones and – “Oh, did some get on your nose? You’re so silly…” But to be totally cold and not even offer me a damn cup of coffee? I went home and cried after that. Yes, I probably did build him up in my head too much, but so what? We didn’t want the same things, so l8rz. He was also one of those guys who went on and on and on about his ex-girlfriend that make you feel like a naked, unpaid therapist.

      I was actually really proud of how I handled that (decisively and with minimal drama) and credit that partially to this site’s influence.

  2. Selena Says:

    I agree with reading the situation. Some people are comfortable with it, some are not for the reasons you listed. It always took me awhile to get used to sleeping beside someone new. Especially in ‘early days’ when I wasn’t sure how I felt about the man yet, I never slept well. I never told anyone he couldn’t stay over, but if he seemed nervous or antsy I would tell him it was okay if he didn’t want to. The “I have an early day”, etc. is a graceful way of saying “I’m not ready yet.” Even easier for people who have dogs – “I’m sorry I can’t stay, I have to let my dog out.” :)

    I also think that if someone doesn’t want to at least try to spend the night with you after 3-5 sexual encounters it’s possible they are only casually interested. Or have habits one might find odd.

    I dated a man once where on date one we established neither of us were particularly looking for something serious at the time, but weren’t closed to the possibility. We would get together once every week or so to go out/hang out/have sex – no sleepovers. After 2 months he suggested “this time” I could sleep over at his place. Okay, I’m game. I didn’t sleep well and noticed that during the night he placed a pillow in between us. And at one point I thought I heard him peeing off the side of the bed. Surely I must have dreamed that, right?

    Next morning as I gathered up my stuff from his bedroom, I did in fact see a closed container next to his side of the bed half full of what looked like urine. Dude was too lazy to get up and walk to his en suite bathroom to go. That, plus the pillow blockage, made it pretty clear we were never going to be more than casual. He never asked me to spend the night again, and nor did I want to.

    • Mistori Says:

      Oye Ve

    • BostonRobin Says:

      You know, I try to limit my “dealbreakers,” but this would have to be one of them.

      • Selena Says:

        I hear ya. I had a comfy casual thing with this guy for 2 months prior to the sleepover. Pretty much knew by then it wasn’t going to turn into something more. The barricade/peeing things just reinforced the inner knowledge – NOT boyfriend material. And I was okay realizing that.

        Had it happened early with someone I thought had potential? I probably would have been very upset and disappointed. I may even have thought the “uncouthness” deliberately disrespectful.

        • BostonRobin Says:

          I think most people devolve when they are isolated for too long. We need the civilizing effect of our fellow humans. (That image of the guy peeing into a jar off the side of the bed is going to give me nightmares for life!)

          • Selena Says:

            Sorry to give you nightmares Boston. :)

            Really this was a genuinely nice guy, good company, I liked him. He was not isolated. He was very active, running/swimming/biking/motorcycles. He had also created a whole *Friends with benefits* lifestyle for himself. He told me right off he usually dated more than one woman at a time, how did I feel about that? (Okay with me, if I fell for him I’d want to renegotiate though I said.)

            He owned 2 or 3 timeshares and would invite different women friends to accompany him when it was his turn. He supplied the condo, they bought the groceries for the week. He had been married for a couple years at one time. So no, if you are picturing some isolated, socially awkward, doesn’t-know-any-better soul, that wasn’t how he was.

            Our relationship such as was, was more friendly than passionate or romantic as I recall it. I never fell for him, he never fell for me. I ended it a few weeks after the sleepover, not because of what he did, but because I realized I wanted- and was ready for- a real relationship, a *real* boyfriend.

            As for peeing in the container…I’m sure he just thought that was convenient. I thought it was tacky and weird. Writing about this 10 years later, I find it amusing. And I remember him with fondness.

            • fuzzilla Says:

              If he was otherwise together, socially savvy, and not wanting for company, that makes me think the pee thing was maybe a deliberate “marking his territory” kinda thing. “I want to be alone…do not cross this line…”

              • Selena Says:

                “If he was otherwise together, socially savvy, and not wanting for company, that makes me think the pee thing was maybe a deliberate “marking his territory” kinda thing. “I want to be alone…do not cross this line…”

                Have you ever woken in the night with the urge to pee and wished you didn’t have to get out of bed because you wanted to stay asleep? I have. Mostly because it’s hard for me to get back to sleep after getting up. Sometimes impossible.

                I think that may be a more reasonable explanation for the handy pee container. Still, one would think the pee container might be reserved for nights alone. Maybe this guy had enough women over who were not bothered by it, he stopped thinking it might be an icky thing for others?

                What I found more telling at the time was how he found an extra pillow during the night and put it between us so we didn’t have to touch. Only thing missing was a pillowcase with a red circle with a slash through it and the words “No Spooning!” ;)

                “I am the master of my bladder.”- Sheldon Cooper

                • fuzzilla Says:

                  **Have you ever woken in the night with the urge to pee and wished you didn’t have to get out of bed because you wanted to stay asleep?**

                  Well, yeah, but I deal with it and go to the bathroom. Being a girl, it’s hard to aim into a pee bottle. If I were a boy, I’d be concerned about knocking the thing all over floor before I had my coffee. If the thought occurred to me at all.

                  Maybe it wasn’t a deliberate “fuck off, I don’t want you here,” but just that he was set in his ways and was either out of touch with or doesn’t care what other people consider normal.

                  If this was years and years ago and you have overall fond memories, it clearly isn’t relevant to your life any more. But making excuses for weird shit because you’re attracted to someone might be, which is what made me go “hmm,” I guess.

                  • Selena Says:

                    *I* thought peeing in a container beside the bed was weird and tacky. As far as making excuses for the guy? I knew him. He was kind and decent and not creepy. Even if he did something I considered weird and tacky. Even if I didn’t love him and moved on.

                    I wrote about this to illustrate that if someone doesn’t want to sleep over after several sexual encounters, it’s possibly because they don’t see you as a potential partner. And when you see that for yourself, you are better for it.

                    • fuzzilla Says:

                      I’m just saying, you were looking for “reasonable explanations” for his behavior instead of just saying, “Um, gross” and leaving it at that.

                      I have no idea the state of your love life, and maybe it’s great, but that sounded like the rationalizing I did when I found myself in dead-end situations with guys who could care less about me.

                    • Selena Says:


                      I get the impression anything I write is going to come across to you as “She doth protest too much.” :)

                      It was 10 years ago. I liked him. I never loved him. I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship when we met. It never turned into one.

                      The only relevant thing about it to this thread is that we dated for 2 mos. before spending the night together and that – to me- was awkward for the reasons I have detailed. Here’s the thing: if someone (or both people in this case) aren’t that eager to spend their nights spooning after sex…hmm, maybe there is a reason for that?

                      And maybe it’s not some Freudian psychology reason, maybe it’s as simple as they don’t see a future with the other?

                      Cigars Fuzz.

                • Noquay Says:

                  Maybe the dude had prostate trouble. Still, kinda weird.

                  • Gabi Says:

                    I find it bizarre as fuck that you’re trying to explain away behavior that is otherwise gross and inappropriate and to do it when someone is in bed with you is just flat out weird, and yes, does reek of a ‘marking your territory’ kind of thing.

    • Fyodor Says:

      He is a great hero for coming up with such an efficient time saving technique.

  3. BTownGirl Says:

    I’m one of those pain in the asses that only sleeps well in their own bed. I just tell the dude that’s the case and say something like, “my place next time!”, so they know I’m into them and not making a run for it!

  4. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    All women who come to my place are enthusiastically invited to stay. Some women need a little push to leave the next morning, which always surprises me, but usually I don’t care that much.

    When I go to a woman’s place in the early stages of dating, I usually will leave or, at least, offer to. Mostly because I don’t want to overstay my welcome. But, also if it’s a worknight, need my bedtime “supplies,” etc. If she insists or requests, I would probably stay over, barring unusual circumstances.

    I don’t take too much offense or read into things either way. Some women like to keep a little distance that way, and I understand that. And what’s the point of the “prediction” exercise anyway If you both want to see each other again, you will. If you don’t, you won’t.

  5. jenny Says:

    Wanting to leave or wanting them to leave is never a good sign. No matter how you spin it. Before I met my husband, I could never fall asleep in bed with someone else. Even men I’d been dating for months. One of the things that told me my husband was the one for me, is that from the start, I could actually fall asleep in the same bed. My soul apparently felt comfortable with him.

    • BostonRobin Says:

      Yeah, I dated someone who turned out to be very shady in many ways. I could NEVER fall asleep or stay asleep. It’s like my body knew something was off.

  6. mark Says:

    I think Moxie’s analysis is a good one.

    It raises and answers several good points.

    What I didn’t know was if this occurred on a Weekend or weekday night.

    If this was a weekday, then there might be some justification. Still tacky, but somewhat understandable.

    If this were a weekend, then it falls into the lowbrow category.

  7. BostonRobin Says:

    I make my expectations clear once things get hot and heavy and I feel like having sex: “would you like to stay the night?” And I’ll offer coffee, tea, and/or breakfast the next morning. Logistics don’t always allow it, but when I expect a sleepover, I make it clear.

    Feel free to kick me out of your bed, but I hope you were taking notes because that’s the last you’ll see of me!

  8. Alex Says:

    Hmmm…. I’ve always looked at it as cool when a girl invited me to spend the night over at her place.

    But there are plenty of reasons for guys to bounce despite the invitation:

    You’re not too interested in the girl
    you get skeeved out at the girls place
    You have children or pets to feed
    You have the gf or wife at home
    You got school or work obligations the next day

  9. Crotch Rocket Says:

    “Talk of early appointments or needing sleep …”

    In my experience, sleepovers when either/both of you have to work the next day (typically mid-week) are rarely welcome early on, simply because most people don’t want the risk of their morning routine getting screwed up and thus being late for work.

    Once you/they have slept over several times when neither of you has to work the next day (typically Fri/Sat nights), and you’ve started to work out a joint morning routine, stashed toiletries at each others’ place, etc., it’s reasonable to start doing the same during the week.

  10. Noquay Says:

    I always slept over or the guy stayed over at my place, no exceptions. Generally at that point we were sufficiently comfortable in one another’s company to want to spend the morning after together. However, I understand someone in a hook up situation may feel differently.

  11. E-B Says:

    This issue is universal, and shown in the episode “Bed Time” from the British comedy “Coupling.”

    Pretty much sums it up…

  12. mxf Says:

    I invite first-time partners over to my place for the full night. I’ve yet to have someone leave after the sex part, although some guys have set an early alarm for the next morning.

    When I was seeing one person for awhile, he would stay over a night or two during the week, and I kind of hated that. I don’t mind sleep incompatibility on a weekend night when it doesn’t matter, but I had a hard time navigating it on a work night. Ultimately things didn’t pan out, and I wonder if the sleep thing wasn’t a contributing factor – I like sharing a bed, so it felt strange that I couldn’t ever sleep well with him.

  13. Fyodor Says:

    I only sleep well in my own bed and particularly wouldn’t sleep well sharing a double or twin bed with someone.

    When I was single, as a general proposition I tried to avoid staying over irrespective of how I felt about a girl. Sometimes they would insist and I’d comply, but it generally had no real reflection of my level of interest.

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