If He Doesn’t Want To F*ck You, He’s Not Into You

March 20th, 2015

NEW!, Oral Sex, Sex

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): IndianBellestark

:
Comment: What does he want?

So I met this guy and we had an instant chemistry and an intense sexual attraction for each other.
But for our respective personal reasons we both can’t be in a long-term serious and committed relationship right now.
So we decided to keep things casual. The problem is that whenever we hook up we don’t have any sexual intercourse. All he likes to do is dry hump me! The one night that we spent together he landed up without any condoms. I sent him out to get some before proceeding any further with him. But then he was unable to get an erection. I was so worried that I never spent another night with him again after this. We just go out and make out where he again fucks me through my clothes or tries to satisfy me orally.
What’s going on? He says he finds me extremely hot and that I turn him on, then why can’t he do me? Is he nervous, intimidated or avoiding any real intimacy whatsoever? He’s religious and has ever had sex only when he was in relationships (three) so maybe he has reservations about having sex outside of a relationship?
Age: 34
City: Mumbai
State: India

I already answered your question about this guy here, EmJay:

http://andthatswhyyouresingle.com/2015/03/04/just-because-he-slept-with-you-doesnt-mean-he-likes-you/

Here’s what we know:

  • He’s slept with you once already, so you can toss the whole “he doesn’t fuck outside of a relationship” theory out the window.
  • He had sex with you.
  • He showed up to hang out with you without condoms.
  • He no longer wants to have sex with you.
  • When he did try to have sex with you again, he couldn’t get hard.
  • Based on what you’ve said, it sounds like he doesn’t try to get you to get him off.

Now, if I were a betting person, I would wager that he’s not attracted to you or that the sex didn’t work for him. Why does he dry hump you? Probably because he’s trying to get turned on enough to have sex with you. Why does he go down on you? Because some dudes just like doing that.  Why doe she tell you how hot you are? To be kind.

Here’s a good rule of thumb to follow: if he doesn’t want to have sex with you, he’s probably not into you.

I’m sure you’ll blow up the comments with your additional commentary in an attempt to discredit what I’ve said here. Go for it. None of that changes the most crucial aspect to this story: he slept with you once and can’t or won’t do it again.

I would tag this post Critical Thinking, but this is plain old common sense. If he doesn’t want to fuck you,.he’s not into you.

 

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26 Responses to “If He Doesn’t Want To F*ck You, He’s Not Into You”

  1. Selena Says:

    I’m mystified why you would want to keep a casual thing going with this kind of sexual frustration. Seriously, WHY EVEN BOTHER?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 0

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  2. HammersAndNails Says:

    I think it’s a lot more likely the guy just has performance issues. I have no idea how moxie jumped to all that. Maybe a misread?

    >”He’s slept with you once already, so you can toss the whole “he doesn’t fuck outside of a relationship” theory out the window.”

    They did not sleep together successfully ever. He went and got condoms and then was unable to achieve an erection and since then has been pursuing her and trying to pleasure her orally while keeping his pants on.

    A man is not going to keep his pants on but insist on going down on you if he “isnt into you”. There may be more reasons, but the most obvious is that he has errection/sexual confidence issues.

    I agree with Selena.. why bother?

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 2

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Read the original post. They slept together once.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 3

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      • Kyra Says:

        I must also be misreading the post then, because I read that they spent the night together, but not that they ever successfully achieved penetration.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          From the original post:

          We slept together once, and although i’m not beating myself over it as I wanted him, I wonder why I’m allowing myself to be dragged on by him. He’s also attracted to me and tells me I’m hot, so why would he say ‘no’ to sleeping with me?

          If I’m misreading something, tell me. I took this to mean they had sex once.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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          • ATWYSingle Says:

            Also keep in mind that it’s the same person submitting a letter about the same guy/situation but under a different name. She never said in her numerous comment sin the last post that they didn’t have sex because he couldn’t get hard. She’s trying to retell the story so we don’t know it’s her. But IP addresses don’t lie.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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            • HammersAndNails Says:

              So this is the same woman from “Just Because He Slept With You Doesn’t Mean He Likes You”? Taking that into account i see why you think she slept with him based on the earlier post but to me, I think she is just adding details she left out the first time. I dunno.

              original post:
              “We slept together once, and although i’m not beating myself over it as I wanted him, I wonder why I’m allowing myself to be dragged on by him.”

              todays post:
              “The one night that we spent together he landed up without any condoms. I sent him out to get some before proceeding any further with him. But then he was unable to get an erection. ”

              That sounds like the is talking about the same night to me, and just glossed over the ED the first time she told it. It is the only time they “slept” together. She’s obviously crazy so who knows.

              Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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          • Kyra Says:

            Sorry Moxie, haven’t had my morning coffee. Ignore me and continue being excellent.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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          • IndianBelle Says:

            No we didn’t have sex successfully as he couldn’t get hard. I guess I missed this out in my previous question/post. Sorry! And there’s some confusion about “why would he say ‘no’ to sleeping with me?” It’s a rhetorical statement. He never said “no” and that’s why it’s all so confusing. He still messages constantly wanting to get together. But after the responses to my original post i’ve stopped seeing him completely since 20 days now. His messages continue though.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 5 Thumb down 10

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            • Selena Says:

              Why don’t you just block him from messaging you? Problem solved.

              Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

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            • Selena Says:

              I read through your comments on the thread of a couple weeks ago. You wrote as a traditional Muslim he was not supposed to date, much less have intercourse. Maybe he felt guilty when he had/tried to have sex with you? Maybe every thing else since he sees as being naughty, but he’s drawing the line at intercourse?

              You say you stopped seeing him 3 weeks ago, but in the letter in this post reads as though the situation is on-going. If it is on-going, why not just ask him why he won’t have sex with you?

              My takeaway from everything you’ve written about this fellow is that he is only in it for the attention. If you enjoy giving/receiving the attention as well that’s fine. If you want something more, like a relationship, a sex life…why keep this thing going?

              I have the feeling you are going to let this play out till it’s inevitable end. Maybe that’s what you need to do for the learning experience, I don’t know.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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        • IndianBelle Says:

          Yes that’s right.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

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  3. D. Says:

    I agree with the analysis that this is probably more performance issues than it is lack of interest. If it was lack of interest…the guy would just stop getting together with her.

    The thing I can’t get my brain around is why the OP cares. If this is strictly casual, then the ultimate question should be “am I getting what I want out of it,” and if it’s strictly casual, presumably then what you’re getting out of it is that this guy gets you off and you enjoy that experience with him. If you’re enjoying him going down on you, and are satisfied with that and with him dry humping you, then great. Carry on.

    If you aren’t physically satisfied without actual intercourse, then find another guy, ’cause this one’s not gonna do that.

    If you want a deeper sense of emotional fulfillment, stop screwing around with casual dating and try for something more emotionally fulfilling.

    This sounds more like a situation where the OP wants more than JUST casual, but is…ok with casual for now. If it’s just casual, and you ain’t gettin’ yours, then move the hell on to something more satisfying. There’s no point sticking around if this is purely physical and you aren’t physically satisfied. That’s part of the point of casual: you don’t need to “work through problems.” You just move on.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 0

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  4. Snowflake Says:

    Emjay/IndianBelle, from my advice when you first posted, and now reading this post, its extremely clear you did not listen to any of us, even though you kept claiming you were. So all I have to say this time around is, I’m not even going to give any advice, why bother with someone who is looking at the world through such an extremely skewed lens.

    Carry on being delusional…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

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    • Kyra Says:

      It’s definitely not worth it to keep banging your skull against the same wall.

      People only hear what they want to hear.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  5. Nicki Says:

    Casual relationships are supposed to be fun. If a casual relationship has caused you to write to Moxie for advice TWO times… Time to give up and walk away. No other advice is even needed!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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    • Kyra Says:

      Yes, this, so much.

      Casual relationships are for not having to care too much and enjoying yourself. It’s not to be used as a stepping stone to monogamy, or trapping people in a relationship.

      I don’t understand why people so blatantly say they’re okay with casual when they aren’t. Okay, I understand it, but it’s still futile and ridiculous.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

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      • Selena Says:

        Discovering one is not okay with casual often involves a learning curve. Someone thinks they can be cool with it only to find they DO get attached, over-invested and are disappointed each time. Lot’s of tears may have to fall before someone realizes “this doesn’t work for me”.

        Add to that many (most?) people who are only casually interested do not directly say so. They presume the person they are dating will figure it out themselves. Learning how to spot “only casually interested” can take time and considerable retrospection.

        And to further muddy things up, are the casually interested who
        do and say all the things they would do and say as a boyfriend/girlfriend. They seem to enjoy “being a couple” whilst retaining their single options. Can be confusing.

        In the case of the OP, I wonder what casual actually looks like to her?

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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    • Julie Says:

      Sounds like she is so hung up on this guy because she wants more and is just agreeing to something casual because that’s her only option for whatever reason.

      Like HammerAndNails, it sounds like ED to me too. I’m not sure what motivation a guy would have to continue pursuing a woman he finds so repulsive that he physically can’t get himself hard. Sounds like torture.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

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  6. maria Says:

    what is it about this guy that has this woman so batty?? is he very rich? is he the last man in Mumbai? I also wonder why this OP keeps writing to Moxie when she is not listening to anything moxie has to say? maybe the cultural divide is too much because us commentors don’t understand you and you don’t seem to understand what the commentors have to say. there is a strange disconnect here.

    I am also wondering why Moxie is entertaining this. if she keeps writing under different names and you know its her and she clearly either has some mental and emotional issues and is simply not paying attention to your advice, why even bother? a lot of people were confused by your reply because without context of her last letter, it sounded like we were missing something and that you refuse to acknowledge that physical intimacy, ED, performance anxiety, etc are real actual problems. especially for some older men, overweight men, men on medications etc. It doesn’t always mean the guy is repulsed by the woman, so the answer to this letter would be useless to anybody reading your columns who may be looking for some advice about something similar.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      At this point, EmJay/IndianBelle is an Unreliable Narrator. Now her whole story is suspect.

      No, I don’t think she forgot to mention that he couldn’t get hard the first time they tried to have sex. She said she slept with him. She didn’t say they attempted to sleep together or that they tried, she said “We slept together.” Now, suddenly, the narrative has changed. I do not believe that – NOT ONCE – in the last go round of this insipid drama did she forget to mention he couldn’t get it up. She wrote numerous comments and never mentioned it. She’s changing the story for a reason and it’s because she doesn’t want to hear the same feedback.

      I think what happened is exactly what I said happened. They slept together once, and since then he’s not had sex with her again, and that’s what has her so unhinged.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 4

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  7. ugh Says:

    But why go down on someone you’re not into?

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  8. D. Says:

    So, if this is the same woman who wrote in about the guy with religious issues who isn’t interested in her as anything more than casual dating, then I think it’s safe to say this discussion is pretty much pointless.

    You got your answer last time. Walk away. He’s not interested, and you clearly are. Stop lying to yourself that you’re ok with a casual relationship. You clearly aren’t, and for that matter, this is a pretty awful casual relationship if you aren’t even really being sexually satisfied.

    But that’s not really the point because it isn’t about the sex for you. You want this guy as a serious boyfriend, and he’s not interested.

    You’ve engaged in all manner of mental contortions to try to “prove” that this guy wants more. Allow me to be absolutely crystal-clear.

    HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING SERIOUS WITH YOU.

    End of fucking (or not-much-fucking, in this case) story.

    “But why does he go down on me when he isn’t having sex with me?”

    “But why does he text me when I haven’t texted him in a few days?”

    “But why does he accept my suggestion to hang out?”

    Answer: IT DOESN’T MATTER. HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING SERIOUS WITH YOU.

    Here’s the deal. You can find all manner of minor behaviors and little points here and there that might, under other circumstances, support the notion that a guy is interested seriously. You can even try to add them all together and claim that the totality of this evidence proves he wants something serious deep down.

    But if he’s not actively pursuing anything serious with you, and he has ample opportunity to do so, THEN HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN ANYTHING SERIOUS WITH YOU.

    Deny it all you want. Bargain with it all you want. And then when you’re done with that and he STILL doesn’t want anything serious, maybe you’ll admit to yourself that you’re wasting your time with this guy and that it’s time to move on.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

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  9. Donnie K Says:

    Even without the IP address it was pretty obvious this is the same woman. Unless, of course there’s another 34-year-old woman in Mumbai India that reads Moxie’s blog and is having a similar problem.

    Here’s some advice:

    Instead of writing in and asking a bunch of strangers to solve the problem why don’t you just ask him?

    Probably because you know the answer.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

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  10. No Disrespect Says:

    FFS. I’m going to disregard the first post, as the answer’s still the same. He’s not interested. He will never be interested in you.

    Guys like sex. If he can get it without any commitment, even better. Dry humping/oral sex counts. He’s maybe not doing the full deed maybe due to religion or family guilt, but as everyone said better above, why is this even an issue? You’re not being fulfilled, sexually or emotionally. Move on girl, and stop wasting your (and everyone else’s) time.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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  11. Annie Says:

    Disregarding the OP’s first letter… I’d say the guy has erectile issues. Sometimes they can do it, mostly not though. In either case, he’s using her for sex even if it’s just dry humping. Dump him.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

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