Don’t Fall For This No Strings Relationship Trick

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Not As Busy
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Comment: My relationship recently ended because the man I was with was too busy.  “Too busy” wasn’t an excuse this time–his schedule as a PhD candidate is pretty crazy and while I let him know I understood his priorities and how busy he was, he still chose to end it.  He said there was nothing I could do to change his schedule, even if I was willing to work around it.

He also said he hopes it will change one day, but doesn’t want to give me a “false impression”.  He wants to remain in contact, but I’m not sure how much to contact him–I’m open to the possibility of rekindling a relationship in the future, but I’m not so keen on having to be the one to keep contacting him.  Should I cut off contact for now, or continue to keep up limited contact?  Should I just move on entirely?

I really like him and we were moving very fast and getting very serious–this all came up unexpectedly and I didn’t know until it ended that he’d been reconsidering the relationship.  He had always been the one pursuing me and pushing things forward.
Age: 23
City: San Diego
State: CA

I would go about your life as though you and he are broken up.  My feeling is that if someone wants to keep seeing you, they keep seeing you. Based on what you shared that he said, it sounds like he gave you the garden variety “It’s not you, it’s me” break up speech. If he’s willing to cut you loose, it means he understands the risk that he might never get you back. That doesn’t say, “Omigod I think this woman is amazing and don’t want to lose her.” That says, “Eh, whatever happens, happens.”

As we’ve discussed before, rarely are break-ups ever truly “out of the blue” and it’s not uncommon for people to give reasons for a break-up that aren’t true.  Usually, the break-ups were in the works for some time. It could very well be that this guy has way too much on his plate right now and can’t devote any time to you. And that’s okay. But I would rather be with someone who would at least try to make things work than to one day just end things. If he didn’t even try, and didn’t seem open to discussing how you’d be willing to accommodate his schedule, then I think that’s a sign that he just wasn’t into the relationship and wanted out.

If he reaches out to you, there’s no reason you can’t engage him. I’m not sure initiating contact in any way would be a good idea, especially if you do want to get back together with him. When a person uses their schedule as the reason for a break-up, the last thing you want to do is act like you’re not sensitive to the time constraints they are under. Let him reach out to you. And when and if he does, try not to get too caught up with it.

Don’t let him suck you back in unless he’s willing to give things another go under the same general terms as before.  Some guys end things only to come back around a few weeks later and then start up something casual with no strings, which is what they were looking for originally. They date someone for a few weeks or couple of months, then they “break-up” with them only to pop back up a few weeks later and reignite things. Only now, they’ve made their boundaries clear: they don’t want a serious relationship. Now they’re getting the casual relationship they initially wanted, and it’s all because they knew if they were honest upfront, they wouldn’t get laid. It’s a trick. Don’t fall for it.

You should continue on with your life as though you are single. I wouldn’t wait for him to make room for you in his schedule.

 

 

 

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7 Responses to “Don’t Fall For This No Strings Relationship Trick”

  1. Maurlina Says:

    You must be feeling confused and hurt. And thats ok to feel. But I 100% agree with Moxie. Treat yourself as if you are single. I wrote on here about three months back hung up on a guy that clearly didn’t care about making time together a priority. After I let it go he texted me a couple of times to see if I was free (late at night). He was obviously not interested in a relationship with me.

    We’re both young and in the grand scheme of life do not have tons a relationship experience. But there are lots of amazing people out there. For example I’ve been exclusively dating this great guy for two months and he always makes fun plans for us to spend time together. He’s also a PhD student and was up for his annual committee review of his research this past month. But even though he’s crazy busy and I work 60-70 hour weeks we still make time for each other.

    I also followed Moxie advice about dating within your league. The guy I’m with is only 5’7″ and is the shortest guy I’ve ever dated but he is awesome and still taller than me.

    I wish you the best!

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 31 Thumb down 1

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    • fuzzilla Says:

      Yeah, I agree with Moxie’s advice, and I also feel bad for the OP. She’s young/less experienced, and dude’s being half-assed and giving mixed messages. Ph.D. students are legitimately busy, yes. Having less time for you is reasonable, but asking for a complete break because of “bad timing”? Just have the guts to say it’s over, dude.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 3

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  2. Nicki Says:

    This is a classic case of wanting to be single but wanting to keep the door open, IMHO.

    Someone who is too busy for a relationship just wouldn’t date to begin with. Further, I think being “too busy” is BS! The President finds time for a wife and kids and so can a PhD student. You just have to WANT to make time for someone.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 0

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  3. ? Says:

    WHile both genders have been guilty of pulling this stunt, more often that not, it is the men who want both their independence and the option of intimacy at their convenience.
    I think what a lot of women don’t understand is that men do not really “need” nor desire as much emotional intimacy as women do. They may enjoy the company of others from time to time to stave off loneliness/isolation, but are fundamentally really quite happy and capable without being in an emotional/intimate relationship. Men do not gain esteem through their relationship, their social connections or social savviness, but rather through their ability to shape and define their own destinies through skill and hard work.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 17 Thumb down 19

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    • Shadowcat Says:

      I can’t imagine why this post was down-rated. I could see people taking umbrage with this; “but are fundamentally really quite happy and capable without being in an emotional/intimate relationship.” this perhaps comes off as being insensitive to men, but honestly I think the statement is in comparison to women. The last part of what was said was definitely true.

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      • Joey Giraud Says:

        Down voted not because it’s wrong, because someone didn’t like it.

        Plenty of true things I don’t like either.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 1

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  4. ? Says:

    Why don’t men like being in relationships as much as women ? Evan Marc Katz says it best.
    http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/dating-tips-advice/why-don%E2%80%99t-men-hate-being-single-as-much-as-women-do/

    I know women find it a very difficult pill to swallow hence the downvoting.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 8 Thumb down 5

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