Quickie: Should She Ask Him Out For a Second Date?

March 26th, 2015

NEW!, Quickie

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Syeewoman waiting

Comment: Hi,

I just had my first date with a guy last weekend and we both decided to keep in touch. He might be a bit shy, so I’m the on who took initiative to send him text. We exchanged many messages before our first date, so what will be a good way to build relationship with him now? Still exchanging messages online, textting or ask him out? I’d like to hear your advice. Thank you!
Age: 26
City: Durham
State: NH



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18 Responses to “Quickie: Should She Ask Him Out For a Second Date?”

  1. Fyodor Says:

    Just ask him out. I don’t think that women appreciate that men can’t necessarily read their level of interest. Maybe he couldn’t tell if you liked him. Maybe he’s not that interested in you. Maybe he just likes the attention. Maybe he’s shy. Who knows? Just ask him out if you’re interested. What’s the real downside?

    Also, before all of you start quoting your internet dating handbooks about how men who are interested take initiative,(A) that’s not always true (B) she’s in New Hampshire, not Manhattan, where you are flooded with options and choices. It’s worth putting a little more effort into an uncertain prospect if she likes him.

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      No, she shouldn’t contact him. He’s not interested. That’s why they agreed to “keep in touch.” Social cues, people. Social cues. If she’s already initiated conversation and meeting up, and he hasn’t returned that, he’s not interested.

      • HammersAndNails Says:

        I agree with you in nyc, but in Durham nh I think I more that you might as well try, even if he probably isn’t terribly interested.

        • ? Says:

          HAN, I’m not sure why she would try if she thinks he is not interested. The only reason to do this is to gauge his reaction to the invitation, as well as to assess his behaviour on the date itself, should it eventuate. However, they have already been on one date so if she is still unsure about his level of interest after the first one, how is having a second date going to resolve anything ?
          A man may be attracted to a woman but not want to pursue anything for a variety of reasons, or maybe he really likes her as a friend rather than a lover – hence the mixed signals. Even if she ascertains that he really does like her, what good would it do her if he simply does not want to pursue anything ? There are men with the self control and integrity to decline easy sex if it means not having to extricate themselves from a messy situation of their own making.

          • HammersAndNails Says:

            As a guy I take this long shot all the time on women that I know would never call me back if I didn’t call them. I know the math is different for women and I get that men are more likely than women to go along to get along when sex is a possibility. I think as a woman in nyc women absolutely can get away with this, and I adjust my behavior accordingly.

            I’m not so sure that’s universally good advice though. Pursuing guys who are lukewarm definitely raises the risk of hit it and quit it, but if you have limited options and feel the spark on your side…..

            I guess it depends on which you are more afraid of: sex and then the fade or not finding anyone else who excites you. I’ve lived in sparsely populated areas and it’s a very very different game.

            Is it possible for a guy to be lukewarm after a first date and then become interested after being pursued for a second? Sure. risky? Maybe.

      • KK Says:

        If she texted him after their first date, and he didn’t respond, then that’s it. she shouldn’t contact him, I don’t think.

        But..maybe he IS shy. What could asking him out hurt? Granted, he could say yes just because he wouldn’t want to turn down the possibility of sex, and not because he is into her. But so what? It’s just a second date.

        • Fyodor Says:

          That’s my point-it’s just a second date. She’s not buying a dog with him.

          And this is where I think that you need to weigh in that they’re in Durham New Hampshire. In Manhattan there are enough options that you don’t want to waste time on someone who isn’t that interested. Where she is, maybe it’s worth going out a second time with someone who may not be interested to avoid letting good prospect slip away. The balance of risks/costs are different.

          • mindstar Says:

            Good point Fyodor.

            According to Wikipedia (so take it with a grain of salt) Durham, NH’s population is less than 15,000. After subtracting children, seniors and married couples the dating pool has to be pretty shallow.

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          “If she texted him after their first date, and he didn’t respond, then that’s it.”

          Where does it say that? It never says she sent unanswered messages. The date could have been last night for all we know, unless I’m reading it wrong.

          • KK Says:

            HammersAndNails: That’s why I said “IF she texted.” IF he hasn’t responded then she shouldn’t bother. If he has responded, then he not asking her out because he’s shy, or he’s not all that interested.

  2. D. Says:

    1. Calm down. You’re one date in. One good date, maybe, but still just one date. You might decide you don’t even like him after your second date, so just chill and let things develop.

    2. Before you can have a relationship with the guy to build, you have to get to know him to decide if you even want one in the first place. You’re still very much getting to know this dude. So…get to know him. Best way to do that: go on a second date.

    3. If this guy is interested, he’ll ask you out. If you want to ask him out at some point, that’s totally cool, but maybe wait until, like, date 5-ish or so. For now, just let it play itself out.

  3. Nicki Says:

    Short and sweet: If you have to write to Moxie to figure out whether or not you should ask this guy on a date then the answer is no.

  4. Yvonne Says:

    Seriously, guys, if you met a woman and really wanted to see her again, would you say, “Let’s stay in touch?” No, you’d be emailing/texting the next day to tell her you had a great time, and you would at some point in the coming week or two, ask her out again. Even if you are shy.

  5. Robyn Says:

    At this stage of the game, even if the guy may be “shy”, you need to leave it to him to initiate the 2nd date.
    If he REALLY wants to see you, he’ll man up and ask for a 2nd date, no matter how “shy” he is.
    If you do the manning up & ask him out, then you won’t be able to tell whether he’s “keen enough” to go further than just a first date.
    Based on my own personal experience, some guys may appear to be “shy” when in actual fact they are too lazy and/or gutless and/or risk-averse to ask a woman out. So in the beginning, you need to hang back a little & leave a gap & see if the guy closes the gap by initiating the next date.

    • fuzzilla Says:

      My current BF sometimes says, “I’m so glad you asked me for a drink! I would’ve been way too shy!” And here I thought I was being pretty conservative and letting him “lead.”

      Our pattern of escalation (in which I applied Moxie’s advice):
      1. I looked at his profile.
      2. He contacted me.
      3. Messaged back and forth a while.
      4. Me: “Hey, let’s get a drink” (we’re supposed to get offline and meet ASAP, right?).
      5. We get said drink, and he initiates every date after that.

      I suppose he was calling himself shy after the fact, I wasn’t explaining away unresponsiveness with, “Oh, but he’s so shy.” There was someone I was pretty into right before I met him, and we had a great date, but he gave off major unavailable vibes and was kinda “meh” on the effort front. I took care to mirror each person’s effort and interest level and I’m glad I did.

      So anyway: Yeah, OP, hold back and let him do something to demonstrate effort and interest. If you don’t cut him loose entirely, then make sure you’re still talking to and dating others.

  6. Donnie K Says:

    Men act the same way when they like a woman regardless of where they live – Durham, Denver ,Dublin…dudes are dudes. The whole “maybe he’s shy” arguement is suspect- this isn’t high school. Even the shyest guys can figure out Woman is interested and act. Like a lot of the emails that get sent to Moxie, I would like to know what details are missing from this.

  7. Joan Says:

    Ok… Veamos…

    You are WAAAAYYY too invested on this guy, WAAAYYY too soon. After a first date with him you are asking how to build a relationship with this person, who is not interested on having anything more than a pen pal friendship with you.

    Do not even waste your time on him, he is not interested, I am not saying that he is a bad person, I don’t know him, but maybe he only wants to have some platonic/pen pal friendship with you. Do not invite him to a second date. Try to keep yourself busy, meet other people, go out, enjoy life!

    And in my humble opinion… next time, wait a bit more before you get too invested on someone.

  8. Bill Says:

    Although the OP asked how to “build a relationship”, the overall question seemed to me to be how future communication should occur after the first date. To me, online dating is exactly for that, to lead to dating. After you’ve met and had your first date, communication should be “real”, which means texting, calling or meeting in person, not reverting back to online messaging.

    And, I don’t see anything wrong with women asking men out. Keep in mind, the same rules apply as for men, confidence is attractive, any hint of desperation is unattractive. If you were actively messaging prior to the first date, I would look for that same pattern, active, two-way communication, prior to asking. If he doesn’t seem interested in texting or chatting, or isn’t responding, then he’s just not interested.

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