The Reason You Don’t Want To Believe Is Why He Blew You Off

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Homegirlbedconf
:
Comment: Hi Moxie

I moved back to my hometown after 7 years in a big city and recently went back for a visit. I ended up re-connecting with an old crush of mine at an all-day/night house party. He had just starting dating another girl when I first met him, and ended things with her just after I left. But since I met him I always kind of got the feeling he was sort of trying to flirt with me before things got serious with the other girl, which he admitted to. He said during this conversation that I moved away at the “exact wrong time”, which tells me there was always a bit of interest, and clearly there still was. We spent the rest of the day hanging out, and at night got intimate (the party was at his house). Since I was only there for a night, I was totally myself and completely existed in the moment and it just felt awesome. When the party went to the bar & asked what I wanted to do, I said I was game for whatever, and he said he’d rather stay and hang out with me because he goes to bars all the time and its boring & meaningless to him, and he was enjoying being with me. He didn’t even really care about having sex (though we did eventually) – I kept saying lets do this but he just wanted to go down on me over and over rather than have sex, and was telling me repeatedly how sexy I was, kissing me all over, etc. We laughed hysterically and had great conversations and spooned and the rest of it all night.

Now before you go making any judgments about him being a “player”, know that while he is very cute, this guy is shy and awkward with women to a fault (something our mutual friend, who he lives with and who I met him through, confirmed). He also said something about being fairly inexperienced and unable to approach women. If you looked at his Facebook pics, if he had a girlfriend in any of them, you wouldn’t know it because he seems fairly reserved in his affections until you’re behind closed doors. I think he opened up with me because I’d known him for at least awhile, our mutual friend told him I had had crush on him, I was only there for a night, and there was alcohol consumption involved (though I do not believe he was drunk, by any means… we were both pleasantly buzzed). When I asked when was the last time he had sex, he said not since he broke up with the other girl, which was 9 months ago – and our mutual friend who lives with him confirmed this to me later. So I also realize
that he was probably craving a little intimacy and the good feelings he was expressing about having with me may have had less to do with me personally and more just about satisfying that need.

Anyway, he cooled off a bit the next day but I feel most guys do that when you first have sex, and I flew home the next day. I wasn’t really thinking about the future when we were hanging out because of the distance, but I didn’t realize really until later the day after that he had affected me and I felt like there was something there so why let the distance be a barrier. I didn’t really know how he felt about it though and didn’t want to scare him or come off cling-y, so I initiated some text banter with him in the following days, which he responded to immediately, but then I mentioned I missed him “just a little bit”, and he deflected it with humor, which wasn’t a great sign. He also wasn’t continuing the conversation or initiating contact with me otherwise in the following days. It seemed like his interest only extended as long as I was in town, but I didn’t know if it was because of that or because maybe I just took a lot more from the experience than he did – though this thought kind of confused me, because I think I have pretty good instincts and a good radar for bullshit, and it all seemed really genuine and mutual to me.

So, a couple days later I basically asked him like, hey, was I stupid for thinking you might miss me back? And he responded pretty quickly saying well, he had hadn’t seen you in a year, it was only one night, the reality is I live 3 states away, and he is single most of the time because he’s terrible at dating. So I realized maybe I hadn’t maybe made the same impression on him as he did with me after one night, but I thought it would have been at least enough for him to want to keep talking. So I continued to talk about the distance factor, and he said he didn’t know dating was an option because of where I lived, so I thought that meant he was open to it and I got excited, but then he said he barely knew me and it wasn’t just the distance and I was making him feel pressured, and the conversation just ended terribly. I apologized a couple days later saying my only hope was just that we would not go back to only talking when I came to this party at his house once a year, but that he told me he wasn’t quite on the “same level” as me after one night and I ignored it, so I was sorry for making him feel pressured, that I had made a mistake. I realized it wasn’t going anywhere but at least wanted to acknowledge that I “got it” so maybe he wouldn’t at least think I was nuts. He didn’t answer and I don’t expect that I’ll ever hear from him again.

Now, I know I experience my emotions at 100%, and often more intensely than others do so I realize I shouldn’t have expected his feelings to be where mine were after a night, but (and this is key) I really don’t think I would have gotten as much out of the experience if I didn’t think he was on the same level with me at least while we were together. I would have been a lot more uncomfortable and in my head, instead of so natural and in the moment. Because being the way I am, I am also often tuned in to other people’s emotions even before they are. But I also realize that the distance complicates things, and guys will often write off long-distance situations in their mind after its over. He also, while shy, seems like a fiercely practical guy. I.e. the guy that would absolutely break up with you if you ever looked through his phone, or something. He basically said he’s avoidant of relationships with women, but our mutual friend told me he was lonely, he seemed like he was really craving intimacy and he also seemed to really enjoy my company and open up around me, so what gives? Why would he be so scared of the idea of us staying in touch and maybe me coming out there to see him on purpose if it came to that? I know it was just a night, but I thought it was at least enough for him to be open to the idea of us talking and maybe hanging out again on purpose.

Anyway, I know you don’t know this guy, but in your opinion is there anything I could have done differently to change the outcome of this situation? Did I really screw things up all that badly, like if I had been more patient could this have worked out more the way I wanted? Is he just a shy weird guy and I should stop beating myself up? I can see just typing this all up that a big part of it is probably him and not me, but then my friends say if he was that into me he would have been contacting me, and another friend said I probably shouldn’t have told him I missed him. I know it’s in the past and I can’t change it, but I would just like your perspective on where the breakdown happened because I would like to avoid similar disappointments in the future, and just get better at this overall. And I think I just want some kind of peace of mind, even if its a hard truth (I know you aren’t afraid of handing those out). I agree with your assessments & advice 99% of the time, and I
feel like I have the same practicality when it comes to other people’s situations but I just have blinders on when it comes to myself.

Thank you!

Age: 29
City: Tampa
State: FL

Holy over-analysis, Batman.

He basically said he’s avoidant of relationships with women, but our mutual friend told me he was lonely, he seemed like he was really craving intimacy and he also seemed to really enjoy my company and open up around me, so what gives? Why would he be so scared of the idea of us staying in touch and maybe me coming out there to see him on purpose if it came to that?

He’s not scared. He’s just not interested. Forget what his roommate said. The roommate/mutual friend is not in his head. They don’t know what he’s thinking or doing. Forget about the imaginary backstory you’ve created based on his Facebook page. The last guy I dated had zero pictures of himself with girlfriends on his Facebook page and his Twitter was for work only, but I knew he had girlfriends in the past because he told me. Not everybody flashes that stuff around.

Dude, he wanted to get laid. End of story.  You were the perfect person for him to choose to casually sleep with because you were leaving. He’s not interested in engaging you further, probably because you’ve made it crystal clear that you’ve developed feelings and expectations after a random one night hook-up. Not that that’s the reason he disengaged, because it’s not. He disengaged because he always planned on disengaging. There was nothing you could of said or done to change that.

Now, I know I experience my emotions at 100%, and often more intensely than others do so I realize I shouldn’t have expected his feelings to be where mine were after a night, but (and this is key) I really don’t think I would have gotten as much out of the experience if I didn’t think he was on the same level with me at least while we were together.

Maybe he was on the same level as you in that moment. But he’s not anymore. Or you were just projecting all your expectations and feeling son to him. Either way, he’s made it clear he’s not interested in staying touch. That’s all that matters now.

I know it’s in the past and I can’t change it, but I would just like your perspective on where the breakdown happened because I would like to avoid similar disappointments in the future,

There was no breakdown. How he appears now is exactly how he felt in the beginning. He just didn’t tell you any of that. It was fun, it was what he needed, but that’s it. The reason you’re struggling with this is because you have an idea of him that doesn’t exist. You think he’s this shy and awkward dude with no game and has trouble with women and fears intimacy. Guess what? He got you to sleep with him with minimal effort. He’s got game! He’s not that bad with women! Maybe he was craving intimacy, but he apparently curbed that craving after having sex with you and is all good now. The void was filled.

I don’t know why so many women think the nerdy shy guys have such trouble hooking up. If you’re interested in hooking up with them, then obviously other women are, too. Ergo, they are not struggling for options the way you think.

I’m going to close with a quote from the TV show Elementary because I think it fits here.

When you’ve eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, is the truth.

You are spinning your wheels trying to figure out what happened and what went wrong because the one thing you can not believe is the very thing that explains his behavior.

 

 

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

$55 – INCLUDES:

  • *Profile analysis (45 minute phone session.)
  • *Assistance with editing and re-writes.
  • *Photo selection and review.
  • *Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
  • *Site selections  and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
  • *Overview of online dating basics – how to write intro messages, how to draw more attention to your profile, how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$55 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

 

Eventbrite - Master Match.com & OKCupid

 

Let Me Write Your Profile For You

$95 – INCLUDES:

  • *A complete re-write of your self-summary and other profile sections as well as what you are looking for in a partner or date.
  • *Assistance with editing and re-writes.
  • *Photo selection and review.
  • *Feedback about specific issues and experiences.
  • *Site selections and Pros & Cons of the more popular dating sites.
  • *Learn how to write better intro messages that will get responses
  • *Get tips to draw more attention to your profile
  • *Learn how to sort your searches so you can see profiles you might be missing.

$95 (Use code BLOG to save $10)

Eventbrite - Master Match.com & OKCupid

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...
Share
, , , , , ,

41 Responses to “The Reason You Don’t Want To Believe Is Why He Blew You Off”

  1. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    “He got you to sleep with him with minimal effort. He’s got game! He’s not that bad with women!”

    Ha I was thinking the exact same thing. He’s sooooo shy and lonely. Well, except for the gigantic house party he threw that lasted all day and all night. Aww so cute and shy.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 72 Thumb down 1

    Reply

    • maria Says:

      hahaha i was thinking the same thing. what kind of “shy, nerdy, awkward no game” guy throws a all day all night house party!??!

      and I don’t understand why and how people project SO much onto people they don’t know. who is to say this guy is “craving intimacy” who is to say this guy doesn’t hook up every day of the week? facebook means nothing. I was reading this trying to find something this guy might have said to her that may have confused her, like telling her how much he likes her and wants to keep in touch with her. something. but looks like they just kinda hooked up drunk end of story.

      i also don’t fully understand the point of asking someone when the last time they had sex was. they can very easily lie, which obviously this guy did. there is no way the house party, bar hopping guy hasn’t had sex in 9 months. please.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 1

      Reply

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        I also wanted to say that it was unclear if the mutual friend was a woman or a man. Broad generalization alert: if the mutual friend/roommate was a guy, he’s going to lie or at least not come forward with the truth when the OP approaches them to confirm this dude’s story. And, yes, asking someone the last time they had sex is pointless because you can never verify whether the answer is the truth. Therefore, there’s no point in asking it. If someone I knew came to me and started asking prying questions about a mutual friend, I’m staying the fuck out of it. In fact, what I usually do is just sit there and say nothing because I’m not sure what I’m supposed to know and I don’t want to get anyone in trouble. That’s why the mutual friend’s feedback is useless. It’s in their best interest to say as little as possible and back up whatever it is they';re being told their friend said.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1

        Reply

  2. Panther Says:

    I feel like Moxie was really nice to you.

    First, didn’t you write that you were three states away from this guy? For the record, long distance is a terrible way to start a relationship, and a stressful way to maintain one that’s already established. You’re in Tampa. Pretty place with pretty people. Date someone more local.

    Second, please learn this lesson now: this guy was telling you that he wasn’t interested. You wrote:

    “And he responded pretty quickly saying well, he had hadn’t seen you in a year, it was only one night, the reality is I live 3 states away, and he is single most of the time because he’s terrible at dating. So I realized maybe I hadn’t maybe made the same impression on him as he did with me after one night, but I thought it would have been at least enough for him to want to keep talking.”

    No. No. That’s an unacceptable level of interest from a guy. The kind of guy you want to be with (if you’re looking for the long haul) is the one who’s only giving reasons why you SHOULD be together, not why you shouldn’t. Especially at the start. In guy code, this dude was telling you he wasn’t interested.

    1. “It was only one night.” = I’m not interested in anything long term with you, so let me emphasize how short our get-together was.

    2. “You live three states away.” = You’re way too far, and I’m not willing to put in the work because you’re not that special (to me).

    3. “I’m terrible at dating.” = Just in case this woman is missing my signals, let me self-deprecate so that she’s turned off from dating me. Of course, for a girl I really liked, I’d be covering up any awkward skills with all the power I could muster.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 47 Thumb down 1

    Reply

    • HammersAndNails Says:

      2. “You live three states away.” = You’re way too far, and I’m not willing to put in the work because you’re not that special (to me).

      Why do ladies always insist on doing this? Not everything is about you. I assure you that even if i met a woman that was just amazeballs blow my mind awesome, I’m not dating someone three states away.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 24 Thumb down 3

      Reply

      • Panther Says:

        Actually, HAN, that is what that message means–at least to the OP. Because I can assure you that if you really met the woman of your dreams–think about that phrase carefully, all the implications. A woman who was perfect for you–you’d date her, even if she were three states away. And then you’d either get her to move to you or you’d be moving to her within 6 months to a year. That’s just how we’re built. What your comment is telling me is that you haven’t met a game-changer yet.

        Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 23 Thumb down 11

        Reply

        • HammersAndNails Says:

          It’s absurd for you to think you know what I would and wouldn’t do. You think you are being a romantic or an optimist but really you are just setting yourself up to be a victim. The female idea that if a person *really* loves you nothing could possibly get in the way is incredibly pernicious.

          Love is not all it takes. If you have had real relationship experience and haven’t had to learn that bitter lesson, lucky you.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 19 Thumb down 10

          Reply

          • Panther Says:

            HAN, I respect a lot of your commentary on this site. It is ironic to me, then, that this is our first interaction, but that’s life.

            First, I am a guy. So your reaction was wrongheaded to begin with. I’m trying to tell the OP what that message means because I’ve sent it myself. We know these are lines we give women. I know we assume that women know what we mean, but as the OP shows, sometimes they don’t. (It continues to blow my mind, honestly.)

            Second, don’t focus on “love conquering all.” That muddies things.

            Think of it this way: if you truly met a woman of quality, who was visually a 10, a woman whom you could respect intellectually but who somehow didn’t make you feel threatened because she protected your ego, who supported your dreams, who was wild in the sack and promised that if you two didn’t have sex at least 5 times a week, YOU got to take half in the divorce, who knew the value of staying as slim as you wanted her to, who would make a good mother, and who could cook (just kidding. not really)–are you trying to say you wouldn’t be making things happen, distance be damned? Exactly.

            Of course, 99% of the women you meet day-to-day don’t qualify, so it becomes a moot point in practice. If this is your point, I respect that.

            But still, for that hypothetical 1%…you’d make something happen. Most guys would. Even though I still think long distance is a bad way to start a relationship, you’d make stuff happen. That would be the woman you’d get serious about. That would be the woman you’d marry.

            Since the guy doesn’t see the OP that way–quality enough to consider crossing three states for–he’s not someone she should be thinking twice about.

            Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 16 Thumb down 13

            Reply

            • DrivingMeNutes Says:

              Oh man, I wanted to see how long that debate would go before you guys figured out you were both dudes. I’m out of popcorn anyway.

              I think you’re both right though.

              The gist of Panther’s comment was that the guy is obviously making up excuses why things wouldn’t work, and the OP is analyzing them as through they are actual reasons rather than just bullshit. That’s true.

              However, I’m similar to H&N in that there is no women who is so awesome in every respect that I would move mountains – do ANYTHING – to be with them. Even if such a woman existed, I wouldn’t be looking for her because it’s not really the way I date. In fact, to me, that’s a very female way of thinking – having a little checklist and checking off all the boxes of awesomeness. That’s probably why H&N assumed you were a lady. I can’t speak for all men, but I assume some guys think more like me (and H&N in this respect). Sure, I would sacrifice more to date a quality woman than I would for a lower quality woman, but I wouldn’t date a woman a couple states a way, or even think to, because it’s just damn impractical.

              Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 4

              Reply

            • HammersAndNails Says:

              I’ve never seen this kind of thinking in a man before. I’m not even sure how to approach this. check out Dan savage “there is no one”. There is no one. There is no perfect. There is no relationship that doesn’t take work and compromise. This idea that a woman could come into my life for one night and I would just “know” she was everything I’d ever dreamed of just doesn’t seem realistic.

              If a woman looked exactly like I want/dream a woman to look and had the personality I want/dream a woman to have, she’d legit be dating Ryan gosling or something.It’s just not realistic. The woman I marry won’t be perfect and that’s ok.

              Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 21 Thumb down 1

              Reply

              • mindstar Says:

                Most men aren’t hunting for unicorns

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 3

                Reply

              • Panther Says:

                There may be a generational thing here.

                Guys in their 20s-30s need dumb optimism to get married in the first place.

                Guys 40 and above are more realistic. Maybe a divorce in their past. They’re not overextending.

                I got wordy above. I’m just saying there are guys who, if they’re in the right phase of life, will try to make a relationship work across three states. If the girl is quality.

                I stand by this statement because I know this personally. I’m this way. My former roommate got a girl to come cross country for him, and they were together five years. A coworker reconnected with a girl from college when she was in town. She was in Massachusetts. He was in Maryland. Less than a year later, he was moving up to Boston. They got married.

                I mean, these girls were quality. Not perfect, but I saw why my friend was moving to Boston, for instance. Women like his wife don’t come along every day, and I think it made sense for him to jump on it.

                I’ll check in after 15 years when everyone’s divorcing.

                Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

                Reply

        • Fyodor Says:

          No one thinks that they met the “woman of their dreams” for whom they would “move mountains” after one date that is not a character in a book marketed to twelve year old girls.

          There is no one I ever met, including my beloved wife and mother of my daughter, who I was so taken with from the get-go, that based solely on one hookup at a party would have made me want to start an actual long distance relationship with them three states away.

          Sure, maybe I’d keep in touch, ask them to let me know when they’ve be in town, but I think that it’s unrealistic to expect more from a guy in the situation that the OP had described.

          Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 2

          Reply

          • Julie Says:

            Thats true most of the time but it kind of depends on the individual. I had a boyfriend years ago dump me after spending one weekend with another girl while on a trip for work. Three weeks later he moved cross country to be with her and last I heard they were married and raising two kids.

            It all really depending on the person, their personal situation, stage of life and their affinity or aversion to change. Some will move on a whim. Some will move for the right job, relationship, hobby, or family needs. And others still wouldnt move if their house was on fire.

            Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 2

            Reply

      • ATWYSingle Says:

        Would it be possible for you to refer to a collective of females as women, not ladies? Thanksssss.

        Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 21

        Reply

  3. Julie Says:

    “Because being the way I am, I am also often tuned in to other people’s emotions even before they are.”

    This view point kind of freaks me out. Ok, no. People are tuned into their own emotions just fine and the OP has a wildly imaginative ability to project.

    The guy had a fun hang turned hookup and decided that it wasn’t worth pursuing further. Thats it. Thats all there was. I don’t know how the OP blew this into “I know he has feelings because I have feelings and I can feel all of his many feelings but he’s just oh so scared”.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 49 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  4. KK Says:

    I don’t quite see how there can be any confusion here. He straight up TOLD you he wasn’t interested. He told you it was only one night. He blew you off as nicely as possible.

    And, look, I COMPLETELY understand where you’re coming from. I was obsessed, and I do mean OBSESSED, with this guy who told me that he doesn’t have time for girlfriends. You know what i heard? He doesn’t have a gf. You have a huge crush on this guy, so it’s super easy to throw logic out the window. But this guy was upfront about his lack of real interest in you.

    And as for him being a shy geek. Please. One of the reasons why I really liked my boyfriend when we first met was how nervous he seemed around me. I thought I found a guy as awkward as me, and i was so happy. Turns out I read him alll wrong. You don’t know this guy so he might or might not be a shy geek. But let’s say he is. That shy geek thing gets dudes laid like whoa. Other girls think the exact same way you do – he’s a geek so he’s bad with women and therefore I can sleep with him.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 27 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  5. Joan Says:

    Omg!! This is not a letter, this is a mini soap opera script!
    So, to me, this is what happened.. He made you have oh so many orgasms that night, that he made you feel special, unique and “loved”. How do I know this? well, because you said…

    I kept saying lets do this but he just wanted to go down on me over and over rather than have sex, and was telling me repeatedly how sexy I was, kissing me all over, etc. We laughed hysterically and had great conversations and spooned and the rest of it all night.

    The problem with some is that, they don’t know how to place their emotions and feelings in a little box when they have sex (been there, done that). Sex is sex, period! There was no love making at all. Guys, and girls too, can make you feel incredible sexy, the most beautiful woman on earth when they have sex with you because, helloo!!! You are giving it to them, that’s all.

    Mija, move on! End this now. He does not want anything from you.
    He will look for you the next time you go back to your hometow, and you kmow why he will do it? Because he knows you are into him, that’s why…

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 18 Thumb down 0

    Reply

    • Tinker Says:

      I agree, this guy must be AWESOME in bed.
      Don’t worry Homegirl, there will be other awesome in bed guys.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  6. D. Says:

    You wrote a nearly-1500 word exegesis on this guy’s behavior. I can sum it up for you in three:

    He’s. Not. Interested.

    Read the signs. They’re all there. Everything the guy said in response can basically be translated as “What were you thinking? Of COURSE this was strictly casual.”

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 25 Thumb down 1

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I felt like I was reading some old diary of mine, so I feel like I should have more to say, but…just couldn’t read the whole thing.

      As DMN said, he’s not that bashful if he’s throwing ragin’ keggers. As such, he has lots of friends (probably many mutual) to talk to about the OP’s clingy behavior, if that’s incentive enough to drop it with pursuing anything further.

      I get it. I do. The OP is confused and feels crazy because it felt so great at the time, so then why is he acting so cold afterward? She’s doubting her perceptions. Learn to put your faith in actions, not feelings. Julie is right that you’re projecting like whoa, assuming you know how he feels better than he does. Women cling to this “he’s so shy” narrative because it flatters them and puts them in the driver’s seat. “He’s not uninterested! He’s just SO into me that he’s completely tongue-tied, he needs a strong woman to give him that that extra push…” In this case at least, his tongue was loose enough to flat-out tell you he wasn’t interested (or message you, or however it went down).

      All these women who write in twisting themselves into a pretzel to explain some dude’s behavior – why don’t you just ask yourselves if YOU are getting what you want out of the situation? Make yourself the main character of your life and stop making some random dude’s behavior define your self-worth.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 29 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  7. Nicki Says:

    Geez!

    Okay, so… Here’s the deal! A guy who is looking for a long lasting relationship with a girl does not hook up with someone on the first night, who lives three states away, after not seeing her for a year.

    OP, sit back and read everything you wrote but now pretend someone else submitted it to Moxie. I’m almost positive that you’d be all, “Dude, he’s not interested in you!”

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 2

    Reply

  8. mindstar Says:

    OP… Your feelings are not facts. What he said (that it was a casual hookup and he did not want a long distance relationship) ARE facts.

    Take him at his word. When a man says he doesn’t want a relationship with you then he DOESN’T want a relationship with you.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 22 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  9. warbly Says:

    “Missed you just a little bit!” You don’t say?

    If I’m reading this text, am I supposed to understand it really means “I missed you a lot!” ?????

    Sounds like a freaking insult, negging, or whatever, if interpreted literally. Don’t assume everyone has the same thought process either. Instead, learn how to communicate directly, say what you mean to say.

    Not sure why anyone feels the need to put on a facade, instead of always being authentic. Also not sure why anyone tries to figure out the motivations of anyone else. So you can learn from it? So you can apply the lesson to future experiences? Please. More likely, it’s to rationalize away someone else’s actions, and feel superior in the process.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 2 Thumb down 10

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      I don’t know, I’d say “missed you just a little bit” is effective flirting (just that one line out of context of the rest of this story, of course…which I admitted I didn’t entirely read). It says, “Hmm, don’t get TOO confident now, but then again, maybe you should…” “Negging” is more flat-out insulting – “Your hair looks great, I can hardly tell it’s a wig,” “You look almost as good as your sister,” etc.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

      Reply

  10. Homegirl Says:

    I just want to point out that this guy was not throwing the party. His roommate owns the house and it was his party. I am very good friends with our mutual friend, and he is a very good guy. He wouldn’t lie to me to help his friend get laid. Yes, clearly I read too much into it probably because of the distance. But I kind of resent not being taken at my word that he really is a shy, awkward guy. This isn’t someone I just met. Our mutual friend’s wife, who also lives with them, agrees 100%. I havent made up any narrative, thats the way he is. I had hoped Moxie would trust me on this and give me advice based on that, but instead I got lectured on how naive I am. Thanks.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 5

    Reply

    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      Shy and awkward guys can be unavailable too. You threw it at him and he took it. He didn’t make any promises to you. His words were very clear, you don’t want to hear it.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • maria Says:

      the fact that you are just assuming and guessing exactly what this guy is thinking all based on him being an acquaintance and putting so much stock into what your mutual friends are telling you instead of actually listening to HIS words and actions is what everybody here is telling you. No friend of his is going to know how he is in his intimate life unless they were intimate together. How people act in friendships and professional relationships and family relationships is completely different than how they act in intimate ones. you also cannot presume to guess what this man does in his day to day life. he and his roommates throw wild parties and go club hopping. I know shy awkward men that they simply don’t do this. You cannot presume to know how he is with women, obviously if he got you to sleep with him and catch feelings for him and get this wound up about him he has plenty of game. I have met men with no game. you will know men with no game immediatley and he isn’t one. i still don’t understand how his presumed lack of game plays into anything here though.

      you also have to remember we are just taking what you are saying at face value. we don’t know him. we don’t know you. we are not in any way emotionally invested in this the way you are so we are reading this as facts nothing more. from the perspective of the facts we are presented with, the guy liked you and was looking for a good time. it doesn’t mean that he is a bad person or that you are a bad person for liking him. it means he doesn’t want to pursue anything further at this time. we have all been there. I have been there in an embarrassing way and wish i had this sounding board when things went down. but instead of getting upset with feedback from my friends calling me out, I realized that what I had done was not cool and really started to assess why i reacted the way i did to a guy i did not know. I decided to go to therapy to deal with some of these issues. Unfortunately instead of really reading through these comments and Moxies advice, you are going to fight with everybody and insist you are right. ok, if you want to believe that then why write in? to get a lot of sympathy? nobody here is being mean and most if not all these commentors have been where you are and came out of the other side. they are telling you that you shouldn’t dwell on somebody who isn’t interested in you at this time. there is some really good advice here if you will just listen instead of downvoting everybody and pouting.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 6 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  11. Homegirl Says:

    And frankly I find so many of your comments extremely insensitive. I’m not an idiot. I’ve been in this game awhile. I know when I’ve been played, its happened before. Especially when I’ve distanced myself a bit from the situation like I have from this one, and I wouldn’t say I really don’t think thats what happened here if I didn’t think about it long and hard first. I know this person, I know plenty of other people who know this person and he’s NOT a player. I haven’t made up any narrative about him. I know there’s a lot of delusional people out there but what I experienced was real and even now that I’m kind of disillusioned about him I still don’t think I made anything up in my head about what happened in the moment. I think he warmed up to me because he knew me, we’ve had chemistry before, he knew by now I had a crush and alcohol was involved. I thought I clarified that and I thought I’d be given the benefit of the doubt because I thought I had made it clear that I had considered all the possible scenarios. I’m sure I’ll get ridiculed and a ton of dislikes for my comment for being “delusional” but I wanted real consideration based on the facts and instead I got laughed at. If it really was the way you all are saying it was, that he’s just fake-shy and I’m making it up in my head, I’m rational enough to have accepted that by now and moved on and not needed 2 weeks of going over it in my head before I decided to actually ask someone WTF am I missing. Some of us are intelligent people who experience really confusing things that may not always boil down to just being naive silly girls or guys being scumbags.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 3 Thumb down 9

    Reply

    • fuzzilla Says:

      The bottom line is that you aren’t getting what you want from this guy, so what does it matter if he’s shy or a player or whatever? What is the point of all this analysis?

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 19 Thumb down 1

      Reply

    • DrivingMeNutes Says:

      “I know this person, I know plenty of other people who know this person and he’s NOT a player. I haven’t made up any narrative about him.”

      I think most people in real life would describe me the same way you’re describing this guy – shy, a little awkward., not a “player,” etc. There are tons of women who are attracted to guys like me, some especially so – and we have lots of options as a consequence. It’s not that you’re delusional – it’s that it seems you, like many women, think you’ve identified some unique connection with him based on you being able to see a “charm” that other women do not see. You’re just wrong. He has plenty of options. Your “he’s not a player” analysis is cartoonish and not reflective of reality.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • Greg Figueroa Says:

      Nobody is saying he’s playing you, what they are saying is that he isn’t interested in you.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • patty Says:

      I agree with you… There are two recurrent themes on this site: the OP is either deluded/stupid/being taken advantage of etc. or a bitch who wants too much. Men are always out for sex. If they want to have a relationship it’s only because they are not attractive or rich enough to have a revolving door of sex partners. I.e. the only way to have a relationship is to date a hybrid of Quasimodo and the elephant man. For once, can there be a glimmer of hope that something good is going to happen to someone??? Not to mention, people ask questions because they’re hurting and want help. Then they come here and get heaped on with venom and vitriol.

      I’d like to see some positivity for once…

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 7 Thumb down 13

      Reply

    • ATWYSingle Says:

      I haven’t made up any narrative about him.

      Yes, you have. Your narrative is that he’s shy and awkward with women and that he was craving intimacy. That’s classic projection. Any time someone presumes to know what someone else is feeling and takes that presumption as fact when they have no way to prove that that presumption is showing their ass. You’ve decided that you know not just who exactly this guy is, but what he was feeling and thinking. That’s impossible. That’s why people are saying you’re delusional. The delusion isn’t in what you believe but the fact that you are so certain of it.

      I thought I clarified that and I thought I’d be given the benefit of the doubt because I thought I had made it clear that I had considered all the possible scenarios.

      Except, you didn’t consider all options. If you had considered all options, the feedback in this thread wouldn’t bother you so much. Like I said, when you eliminate all the other possibilities, the final possibility – no matter how unrealistic to you – is the answer. Your reaction should tell you that you know there’s truth in what we’re saying.

      Whether or not he’s shy or awkward or craved intimacy or isn’t good with women has nothing to do with the outcome. That’s why you’re having such a hard time accepting the answer.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • KK Says:

      I don’t know if you’re still reading replies. But I don’t think, nor do I think anyone else does, you’re delusional. I am sure there WAS a real connection. But none of that matters. He told you straight up that he does not want a relationship with you. That is all that matters. Obviously I am not you and I don’t know how you’re feeling, but as I’d written before, I have definitely been in a situation in which I’ve met an amazing guy and felt incredible and he didn’t pursue it. And I obsessed. And I felt horrible. But, truly, all that matters in the end was that the guy was just not all that interested. Because if he was, he’d have pursued it.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • maria Says:

      I commented above but really just want to reiterate that again, you are reading into things the commentors are saying. i read all these comments and nobody is telling you that you are naive. what they are telling you is that player or not, game or not, shy or not, the guy really isn’t interested in pursuing something further at this time and that this doesn’t make him a “player” or a “bad person” and it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t like you and was using you. you guys had a nice time but he just can’t/doesn’t want to pursue anything further. he didn’t make you any promises from what I read here so I don’t think he was a player or manipulator. I also don’t think you are delusional in that he liked you because he did but he just didn’t want anything long term. why does it matter if he is shy? shy men have relationships all the time.

      its a real shame that instead of reading what people without any attachment to this situation are telling you, you choose to get upset and defend yourself. that is your prerogative but why would you write into Moxie if you don’t want any advice and all you want are a bunch of people to tell you he is a scumbag and you are right about everything? that’s what your friends are for. we are telling you that the guy liked you, had a really nice time with you but didn’t want to pursue anything further with you at this time. unfortunately it didn’t turn into what you wanted it to turn into. we have ALL BEEN THERE. you had a nice time, end it on that and pursue guys who live closer to you if you want a relationship.

      good luck!

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

      Reply

    • Julie Says:

      You are getting caught up in details that are more or less irrelevant. Here’s all you need to know:

      – If “what I experienced was real” AND MUTUAL, he would still be returning your text messages.

      There’s nothing you should have done differently. You let him know you were interested in a relationship by saying you missed him. He let you know that he was not. How else could this have gone?

      Even the nicest, shyest guy is still a man.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

      Reply

  12. mindstar Says:

    OP you say “…but what I experienced was real” True you certainly experienced a wonderful encounter with that man. You’ve made that quite clear to everyone here.

    BUT HE DIDN’T experience the same thing with you. That is what you fail to acknowledge.

    If he felt the same way you do he would have indicated that to you. Instead he was very clear and said he does NOT WANT a relationship with you.

    Just let it go and move on.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

    Reply

  13. Nicki Says:

    Oh Homegirl…

    There’s no need to be defensive. No one has said you’re delusional. We’ve all just come to the conclusion that he’s just not that into you.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

    Reply

Leave a Reply

© 2013-2017 And That's Why You're Single All Rights Reserved