You Shouldn’t Have To Beg Them To Date You

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Ellenbeggingman
:
Comment: I met my boyfriend September 2014.  We casually dated until December 2014 when we made it official to date exclusively.  Since December til now we’ve only been seeing each other on Saturdays, staying over til Sunday.  It’s been 3 1/2 months and he tells me yesterday he doesn’t feel love for me.  He says its weird because he thinks I’m very attractive and we have a lot in common.  He says he enjoys my company as well.  However, he says he usually falls in love by 3 months into the relationship.  I told him every relationship is different.  Some relationships I’ve been in waited til 8 months before the “I love you’s”.   I told him, also, we only see each other once a week for an overnight.  He agreed lets give it time and he will invest more time in us.  He booked a weekend trip for us to Boston and we’re making plans to do different things.  I told him, all we do is stay home and cook.  We need to do things.  He now agrees to make changes.  Is this a good plan?
Age: 40
City: Edgewater
State: Nj

 

Okay. Let me start off by reminding you and everyone else that you’ve already submitted a letter about this situation. We discussed it here.

You people who continue to submit letters about the same situations under different names need to understand that I have pretty good recall when it comes to what gets submitted and posted. So, please don’t get pissy in the comments because I dared to process and recall this story and decided to use all the information I had to form an opinion.

You also submitted a comment a few weeks ago bragging about how awesome this relationship is:

I just want to share I’m 41 years old and I’m currently dating a 43 year old man.  We’re both divorced, we both don’t have children and want to have children.  I look young and I am physically healthy.  If it works out with us he said in a year we can get married.  There’s hope!

That comment is a perfect example of the suspect humblebragging that goes on in stories about women searching for Mr. Right. All these other women come in and start talking about how they met their guy and condescendingly tell other women not to give up. Meanwhile, their dude already has one foot out the door. These comments and stories are not written and shared to encourage. They’re written to one up.

Take this insane humblebrag.

Synopsis: Girl meets Boy on Tinder. Boy quite possibly is unemployed and plays in a metal thrash band. A month after meeting, Girl and Boy get married BECAUSE CHEMISTRY AND SOUL MATES EXIST, Y’ALL. You’ve just never experienced the kind of profound love they have, okay haters?

/end rant

Ellen/Ruthy, it seems this guy has tried to break up with you twice now and you refuse to let go. So, no, I don’t think your idea to continue to see where things are going is a good plan. The guy has now told you multiple times he’s not feeling what he needs to feel in order to proceed with the relationship. He’s only sticking around because, more than likely, he has nobody else on the roster and things aren’t, like, horrible with you so he’s willing to stick it out. That is, until someone he actually does have real feelings for comes along. Then you’re getting dropped like  bad habit.  Hate to be all spoilery..but this isn’t going to work out in your favor.

You’re clinging to this guy probably because you’re 40 and feeling the pressure to settle down and fear this guy will be the last guy forever and ever. He won’t. He isn’t.  You found him, you’ll find someone else. Do not put yourself in a situation where you’re staking your future on a guy who has in no way proved he’s worth that or offered the same.

Ask yourself this: do you really want to be with someone you have to convince to date you?

Hint: The answer rhymes with Schno.

 

 

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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44 Responses to “You Shouldn’t Have To Beg Them To Date You”

  1. maria Says:

    i had to make sure it wasn’t the same article that was already posted a while back. I remember because this letter is almost identical to the last… I think if anybody keeps telling you they aren’t sure about you, its time to move on as hard as that might be. You are now 7 months in. I don’t know, maybe its because I am not so terrified to be single, I can’t imagine wanting to spend my time with a person who told me to my face that they didn’t have feelings for me. its sad. but i have a feeling this comment will fall on deaf ears as the comments and moxies advice has fallen on deaf ears twice. best to be the one to get out before he really hurts you. good luck

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  2. Nicki Says:

    Same as Maria above. I thought I had already ready this. Look at that! I had!

    Moxie pretty much summed it up very neatly when she said, “Do you really want to be with someone you have to convince to date you?”

    If a guy says something like that once then I can see *maybe* giving him the benefit of the doubt. However, this is the 2nd time in two months. You are better off cutting him loose.

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  3. JulesP Says:

    Going to remind you all that in general, the people who request advice here are exactly that…. people with all the faults and crap and feelings that goes with it, not robots. And those of you in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. So the OP wrote under two different names. OMG! How end of the world is it? Really? Maybe this should just be underlining the fact the she really does need help/support.

    And about this humblebragging business… a) no reason not to hear from women who maybe have managed to make it work! and b) it possibly was ‘awesome’ when she was writing. If we’re only ever going to hear how shit everyone’s relationships were/are; or how incapable everyone who ever writes into here continues to be then sorry, but that is wretched and sad.

    Rant over.

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 21 Thumb down 17

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    • Nicki Says:

      JulesP, I agree with you that sometimes things can change. However, I’m not sure how it could go from “I just don’t have strong feelings for you” in early February, to marriage talk in mid March, to “I just don’t have strong feelings for you” in early April. To me it seems like fabricating a story to have a reason to humblebrag.

      Regarding your point about writing under two different names. No, not a big deal. If someone writes in just two months later with the same exact story then that just seems like someone hoping that people would validate her decision to stick around. Its kind silly when you’ve already been given advice and there’s not been much of a change in the situation.

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      • No Disrespect Says:

        Agreed. Moxie seems to have a stable core of readers. Eventually, one of us will write her with a relationship question. In general, I don’t see why she needs to use our pasts against us.

        But OP has written the same question twice now. Weren’t you only supposed to give this guy 6 months before you wrote him off? But yet, we’re in month 7, with the same issues. You want to be with a guy that straight up tells you to your face that he doesn’t “feel love” for you? Uh. Okay. Have fun with that.

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        • fuzzilla Says:

          You’d think that you’d seek out a different source if you wanted a different opinion. Unless you’re really determined that the original source “just doesn’t understand” and so you try 20 different ways to explain it to solicit the answer you want.

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      • JulesP Says:

        Nicki hi, I hear you. I feel that anyone asking for help whilst using more than one user name really, really needs that help. It’s possible that such a person may be in a state of mind that this is one way to them that seems a reasonable manner of reaching out. we don’t know if the OP has the opportunity to discuss her predicament with friends or family.

        On more than one occasion, the responses here in this group, to letter writers have ranged from insulting to sarcastic. Could be that our OP – rightly or wrongly – felt that she might receive a more helpful response or a different angle from this group if she wrote under a different name.

        All the best,
        Julie

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        • Matt Says:

          Heavens yes, that’s a good point. One time, someone here accused me of being autistic because I, get this, believe in respecting personal boundaries once they’ve clearly been established.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

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    • maria Says:

      its not the end of the world to write in 2 or more times, but this LW wrote in twice with an IDENTICAL question. what is the point of that? she wrote in for advice and proceeded to ignore that advice. further more, the commenters here always know how to admit when things have happened to them, and usually know where the writer is coming from, but just because we know where they are coming from and know what its like to be wrapped up in a person and make bad choices, does NOT mean we can’t offer up advice through a clear mind. there are times when i WISH i’d have known about this website and Moxie when I was going through some things because while it may seem “harsh” sometimes, its almost always good advice. I have yet to see too many comments that are just mean. people take time to write out long and well thought out comments. Just because somebody isn’t sappy and patting the LW on the back (they don’t need that, that’s what friends are for) doesn’t mean that they are mean. also, if you are writing in to a website like this you must prepare for comments and advice. If you just want a bunch of awwwww you are so awesome, you are so great pats on the back, that is what friends are for. there is nothing wrong with solid, matter of fact advice.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

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  4. D. Says:

    Translation of this guy’s statement: “I’m not going to fall in love with you.”

    Look, if someone volunteers that they’re not feeling the kind of emotions for you that they want to feel, especially early on in a relationship, then they’re basically telling you they’ve plateaued. Take them at their word.

    If you want to keep dating this guy, fine, but do so with the expectation that things will not develop emotionally. Where they are is where they’ll be, at least until he pulls the plug. Because he will be the one to pull the plug. Either he’ll pull it because he feels pressure from you (real or imagined) that things develop, because he feels guilty about dragging things out, because he just wants to date other people, or some combination of the above. You probably won’t pull it because you’ll hang on to hope that maybe, just around the corner, he’ll wake up and feel like you will.

    I’ll tell you right now, that’s probably not going to happen. People know when their emotions are growing, even if they aren’t growing at the same pace as the other person. If they want to keep giving it a chance, they probably won’t bring up the fact that they aren’t where you are, except to reassure you that they want to be and they’re headed that way. So, if they do bring it up, that means they’re subtly telling you “This is it. And we have a shelf-life, by the way.”

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    • Bill Says:

      ^^^ THIS, EXACTLY THIS. ^^^

      OP, the guy has told you “It ain’t happening for me and it usually does by now.” Translation, “It ain’t going to happen.” Believe him! He’s being honest with you that this is as far as he can progress with you, and now the decision is up to you. Is where the relationship is at enough for you or is it a show stopper if it’s not going to progress?

      And, OP, more time together and a weekend away isn’t what he needs, it isn’t what is “missing” for him. Those things are what’s missing for you, the couple stuff. Don’t project them onto him. If he wanted more time together than one day a week, HE WOULD BE SEEKING IT. As it is, he’s totally fine with a home cooked meal and a night of sex once a week. The weekend away has the bonus for him of mini-vacation sex, plus keeping the peace for awhile so the weekly routine continues.

      And, it’ll be fine for him until it no longer is, either because a better alternative appears, and he dumps you, or things come to a head, and get ugly, and he’ll tell you he was always very clear about where he stood on the relationship, and there will be a bitter, angry break-up.

      He is being totally honest here about what he is offering, it is up to you to determine if that is enough for you going forward. There isn’t going to be much more, other than the occasional weekend away, maybe a night out instead of eating in. Is that what you want?

      Just to be clear, there is nothing wrong with the current situation except for wishing, hoping, or expecting it to become more. It won’t.

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  5. Mary Says:

    Ellen,

    Ask yourself this: do you really want to be with someone you have to convince to date you?

    Moxie hit the nail on the head! If I would have stopped a dead end relationship early in the beginning stages, it would have saved me so much heartache. He was too wimpy to break up with me, but shared early on that “we were too different, and it wasn’t working for him.” (I was too nice, and he was narcissistic) Why be with someone that isn’t into you? I learn slowly, and had to get to a point in my life that I could walk away from someone that didn’t love me.

    Do yourself a favor, and work on being content as a single woman. By forcing a relationship that isn’t mutual, you are doing yourself a disservice. Respect yourself to walk away.

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    • Bree Says:

      Mary,

      From what I’ve read, never once did this woman say she has to convince the man to be with her. If anything she says the man says that he wants to be with her, and that he finds her attractive and enjoys her company. He’s just being honest and telling her that he’s not feeling all lovey dovey like he’s madly passionately and hopelessly in love with her.
      Let me ask all of you a question….How many long time married couples do you know who realistically have that lovey dovey madly passionately in love type of love?? Even married celebs don’t have this.
      This is real life people, not the movies. When will people learn the difference between make believe, fantasy and reality?
      It’s no wonder you guys are single. If your looking for perfection, and flawlessness, sparks, 4th of July fireworks, and butterflies, and mind blowing sex, and pure D happiness every day of your life.
      I also don’t see where this woman is necessarily begging the man to be with her.
      From what I see it seems as if her dilemma is dealing with the reality of the situation. Should she give the relationship time, be patient and see what happens, or should she cut her losses and walk away trying to find something, and/or someone who is better.
      Honestly I give the guy mad props for his honesty. He didn’t have to tell her sh**. Many men don’t. But this guy seems to be totally honest and transparent about his feelings and where he stands.
      My suggestion is for her to do whatever she wants to do. If she loves, likes, and cares deeply for this man, and she wants to give him time and continue to enjoy him and his company then she should.
      Like they say, if ain’t broke don’t fix it.
      Only if she wants a total commitment of his undying love right now should she walk away. Just because things don’t start off perfect, don’t mean they will always end that way.
      You would be surprise what patience and time can do.

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      • fuzzilla Says:

        **Let me ask all of you a question….How many long time married couples do you know who realistically have that lovey dovey madly passionately in love type of love?? Even married celebs don’t have this.
        This is real life people, not the movies.**

        Sure, but they’re smart enough not to say, “I don’t feel lovey-dovey about you” right to their partner’s face. I’m a pretty blunt and straightforward gal, but I know not to share everything. If people shared every last stray negative thought they had about their partner, no one would be in committed relationships ever. Going out of his way to share that tidbit was strategic.

        There’s also the obvious difference that, well, with married couples, someone proposed at some point, and this guy’s saying it’s never gonna happen. Seems pretty obvious the OP is wasting her time.

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        • Bree Says:

          again people are reading more between the lines than whats really there.
          This woman didn’t say this man never wants to have anything long term with her that may lead to marriage.
          Ladies do you honestly prefer to be lied to and live in a bubbly fantasy world, only to have your heart broken because your whole body was in the clouds?
          Give the man credit for being honest. Imo there is no such thing as too honest. If you the person your being honest with can’t handle the truth, not your problem. They need to learn to handle the truth, it will set you free.
          Here is what was said by the OP-

          It’s been 3 1/2 months and he tells me yesterday he doesn’t feel love for me. He says its weird because he thinks I’m very attractive and we have a lot in common. He says he enjoys my company as well. However, he says he usually falls in love by 3 months into the relationship. I told him every relationship is different. Some relationships I’ve been in waited til 8 months before the “I love you’s”. I told him, also, we only see each other once a week for an overnight. He agreed lets give it time and he will invest more time in us. He booked a weekend trip for us to Boston and we’re making plans to do different things. I told him, all we do is stay home and cook. We need to do things. He now agrees to make changes.”
          Sounds to me like he’s simply basing how he feels for her off of past relationships. That’s where he is wrong.
          She explains to him that everyone is different and asked him for specific things that he agrees to do.
          Again before just closing the door in the mans face, see the things that he did right, not what she thinks he did wrong because things aren’t done her way. She shouldn’t be surprised by how he’s acting. He’s honestly explaining that this is a new experience for him, not falling head over heels for a woman, and not feeling the way he’s used to feeling in 3 months with her. But damn, cut the man some slack.
          Based on him agreeing to what she tells him she wants and needs from him it appears as though he cares for her very deeply, and is committed to trying to make things work before just throwing in the towel.
          I personally think that this is a good thing. Because if you can’t do this in a relationship, you will Never Ever make it to a long lasting marriage.

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          • Bill Says:

            Bree, I think you state this well, bring up a good point and I’ll backtrack a little from my previous post where I said that this was definitely as good as it was going to get since the progression of his feelings had stalled.

            I’ll change that to there is a chance that he will start having deeper feelings for the OP. I still think it’s unlikely, but there is a change… it isn’t black and white. Heck, even he is confused, and from this remove, he seems to be sincere and honest. It is possible that given more time and new experiences together, that “magic” will enter the equation.

            I would not bet money on it happening, but I do know that if it can happen, she will need to just enjoy the time and experiences together and avoid the temptation to “check in” asking “are we there yet?”

            It’s really up to the OP if she is willing to bet say 3 months or more to see if it’ll happen. It really depends on her feelings for the guy and her experiences in the local dating pool to determine if this something of a long shot bet makes sense.

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            • Bree Says:

              Bill I cosign on this “she will need to just enjoy the time and experiences together and avoid the temptation to “check in” asking “are we there yet?” 100%. Exactly my point.
              My other point is only on movies do people just fall in love all willy nilly and quick and fast.

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            • fuzzilla Says:

              **“she will need to just enjoy the time and experiences together and avoid the temptation to “check in” asking “are we there yet?”**

              I really don’t think there’s anything wrong with casual relationships in and of themselves. They can be fun and they can meet your needs – provided that both parties are on the same page. Or if one party is more interested, that person truly accepts the situation as is. They might get a little wistful and sad about it, but they know what they’re doing, their eyes are wide open, and they are actively looking for people they can be more serious with at the same time. As the old saying goes, they do not prioritize someone for whom they’re only an option. They are able to enjoy the good parts while remaining detached. They have an attitude of, “Hey, well, this is more fun than a Netflix marathon with the cat, anyway.” They don’t analyze the situation beyond that. They know that Netflix with the cat is far preferable to being with someone who hurts and drains them.

              The OP is making excuses for this guy’s ambivalence and beating herself up wondering why she’s not good enough and why he doesn’t love her. She wants a serious relationship and is a casual one. She’s not okay with the status quo, and pretending she is will just hurt her further. This is why people are saying she should leave NOW rather than just “being chill” for another month or two.

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        • Bree Says:

          Fuzilla what do you realistically think happens when people who claim they want to be married with a family constantly reject potential life partners? As I said in previous posts, there will always be something unpleasant or that you don’t like. It’s life. If any of you are looking for perfection most every day of your blissful relationship lives you will be in for a very very rude awakening.
          I’ve learned from people with long lasting marriages that if you do not learn to love, and deal with people at their worst, you will most likely never have a long-lasting marriage. Even if you do make it to the alter, the marriage will have little to no staying power. And that is what should be the ultimate goal. Having a marriage that can withstand the tests of time. I don’t think most people get married expecting it to be short lived and have an expiration date.
          So if you can’t handle hardships, hard times, rough patches, and the worst of times when your in a relationship, what on earth makes you think you can deal with it when your married?
          It will end up being a marriage where the only thread holding it together and keeping you there is the fact in and of itself, that your married and don’t want to deal with the costs, and stress of divorce. And that’s a horrible way to live.
          Think about it people.

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            OK, who’s reading too much into things now?

            I want a partner who’s happy and excited to be with me. Anyone who can’t clear that basic hurdle I move on from, and I’ve never regretted it (in fact, I’ve always regretted not doing it sooner).

            My BF and I have both seen each other at our worst and he said, “after Christmas, I finally stopped feeling paranoid you’d leave me” (I’m assuming because I put up with his kooky family). In the OP’s case, the “hard shit” you’re expecting her to put up with means not having her basic needs met.

            Anyway, I think it’s sad that equate wanting a partner who’s excited to be with you with “delusional fool who thinks relationships are all kittens and rainbows with no fighting or stress, ever.”

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          • fuzzilla Says:

            Also, is this the same Bree who got so mad about the advice to date older men and bragged about being single for 10 years rather than settle? I mean, your personal life is none of my business, but if it’s true, then aren’t you doing the very thing you’re complaining about (sitting around single and not even trying, waiting for the perfect relationship to fall into your lap)?

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            • Bree Says:

              No fuzilla I haven’t been single for 10 years ever.
              And I never got mad about advice to date older men…lol. Wrong Bree I’m afraid. I haven’t been on this site in like 2 years now. I’m not saying people shouldn’t have their basic needs met. Definitely figure out whats important to you when it comes to dating and relationships and strive for that. I would never advise anyone to put up with lying, cheating, or any type of abuse Ever.
              However, most everyone I know who is married, and/or has been in a long relationship that’s lasted more than 5 years has told me they have time when their partner works their last nerve, and they think about leaving them. Again she says that the man wants to work things to work with her. He enjoys her company and finds her attractive. The only thing that seems to puzzle him is the fact that he’s doesn’t have same head over heels drunk in love feeling that he’s had in the past with other women. And that could also be in part to him growing up. Maybe he was younger and those past relationships where he felt all warm and fuzzy in 3 months was puppy love. Imo I think he thought he was in love, but really wasn’t. Because you can’t be truly in love with a person in every way until you’ve experienced every aspect of that relationship; ie: the good, the bad, and the ugly.
              Cause love isn’t just being there when everything is all good, it’s being there when it’s not good as well. And being there for the worst of times, as well as the best of times. I personally think she should give it some time, (if she wants to) because based on what she says he says, the guy hasn’t flat out told her or showed her that he’s just using her for sex and wants no parts of a relationship with her. He’s just used to falling in love quickly with most other women, and that hasn’t happened with her yet. And I don’t think there is anything wrong with that. In fact they both need more time to fall in love with each other. Because it’s typically not something that happens quick and fast with most people. And even if it does happen quickly, most people who tend fall in love very fast, tend to fall out of love just as fast. In a nutshell, all I’m saying is this – If they both feel strongly enough for each other and think it’s worth it to invest more time and effort into their relationship, I see no reason whatsoever why they shouldn’t do just that.

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          • KK Says:

            Bree, I think you bring up a really good point.

            I read the letter as this guy telling her that he doesn’t love her, and usually he’d feel that by a certain point in a relationship and so because of that, he thinks they should break up.

            But you, if I am understanding you correctly, are saying that all he is doing is telling her that he’s not super into her at the moment, and see what happens.

            You are seeing this as him just giving her a status update on their relationship, while I, and others, are seeing this as him trying to break up with her.

            I guess I am just not seeing your point, really. It is entirely possible that he is agreeing to see her more often because he truly wants it to work. That is what you think and what the letter writer clearly hopes is the case. But my sense is that he is agreeing to this because he’d rather be with her than be single. In my experience, when a guy wants a relationship to work, they want things to escalate. You don’t have to ask. I’ve never known of any long-lasting, happy hetero marriage/relationship in which the woman had to ask for things to escalate.

            I am in complete agreement that it’s wonderful he is so honest. However, he is being this honest for one of two reasons, I think. It’s either because he truly wants to make things work and is just letting her know where he stands. Or it’s because he basically wants her to break up with him, My sense is that if a guy truly wants things to work, he cares about how what he says makes his partner feels.

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            • Bree Says:

              KK I know many relationships where the woman had to ask where she stood, and they were off again and on again, there were breakups, and makeups. I know of very very few relationships that started out damn near perfect. I have no idea what peoples ideas of how a relationship should start out, but it seems a little unrealistic and way off base.
              I think if the guy wanted to break up with her I see no reason why he wouldn’t come out and say that.
              She never says that he wants to not be with her anymore. Actually all he does is point out to her, how things were with women in the past, compared to now with her. If she wanted more answers and clarification all she had to do was ask him “how so?”
              This is part of the reason I don’t even believe in dating advice. Because the questions that people ask other people who don’t know them from a can of paint, are the questions they should be asking the person they’re with.
              At any rate, she should do whatever she feels is best at the end of the date. We have no way of knowing what this guy really wants, and/or doesn’t want. She wants to know she needs to ask him. If she can’t handle the truth of the answers, let it go. But she damn sure isn’t going to get 100% accurate answers from strangers who know nothing about her or this guy but what she is choosing to share.

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              • KK Says:

                Bree, I wrote a whole other reply, but it got deleted. So forgive me if this is a bit short.

                OK. So yes, I know quite a few relationships where there were a lot of breakups and makeups. None of those relationships are still in existence. I am not talking about perfection. All I know is that all the hetero happy, long-lasting relationships I know started off with the guy wanting things to go forward.

                You are completely right that this guy could’ve broken up with her. But plenty of people do not want to break up a relationship – instead, they behave badly, hoping the other person gets the hint. I truly think that’s what is going on here, since if this guy cared about the LW, I don’t think he’d be acting this way.

                And you are also right that only those people who are in the relationship know what is going on. However, the LW chose to write to an advice column, and you are choosing to read it. You are right that maybe she sees something in him, in their relationship that we obviously can’t. But the other possibility, which is why I think we consult others for relationship advice, is that she is so into this guy and/or the relationship or the idea of the relationship that she in’t seeing clearly, and only those of us not invested can see things more clearly.

                I also think that people are gonna do what they want. This LW is not gonna break up with this guy.

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                • fuzzilla Says:

                  **This LW is not gonna break up with this guy.**

                  Yup, probably not.

                  One other thing that occurred to me in this discussion was – there is a difference between having a quiet and subdued personality and genuinely not being interested. A person can be shy and struggle with words, not feel comfortable with public displays of affection, and yet be a solid partner who’s very interested. They might be more cautious about life in general, including how fast they move in relationships.

                  On the flip side, someone can be very charming and spontaneous and write you love songs and buy you flowers and leap into relationships right away yet be full of absolute horseshit and not be there for you when push comes to shove. Look at their actions and whether they’re consistent or not.

                  I feel like Bree is conflating “lovey dovey” with obvious outward displays of affection, pointing out how that’s not necessary for a relationship and everyone’s different and moves at different paces and all that. Of course, a willing and game participant is kinda necessary for a relationship, as has been pointed out over and over…

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                  • KK Says:

                    Fuzzila, I also think that Bree and the LW are thinking that because the guy didn’t say no, then this means the guy wants to take it slow. As opposed to those of us who think this means he is trying to end things.

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          • maria Says:

            ummm there is a really huge difference between “perfection” and somebody, in the early phases of a relationship telling you to your face that they don’t feel ANY love for you. He has said this repeatedly to her, 3 months in and now 7 months in. I don’t know what kind of person can spend time with a person they presumably like and say something as harsh as “I have NO love for you” I wouldn’t even say that to a friend. If he was cornered into telling the LW how he feels, he could have just said something along the lines of “I enjoy spending time with you and like the way things are going now, but I can’t promise you what things will be like in the future” He could have even said he wants to take things slow. Telling somebody you are seeing and intimate with for almost a year that you “feel no love for them” is a really nasty thing to do. wanting to be treated like a human with feelings is not in any way demanding perfection.

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            • Bree Says:

              Maria,
              it’s no different than a person saying “I love you and care for you, but I’m not “in love” with you.
              I think realistically it’s fairly easy to love person fast. You can quickly and easily love surface stuff; like how they dress, walk, talk, their swag, their personality, (what you know of it in the short timeframe that you know them), their sense of humor, etc etc etc. But just as quickly as you grow to like these things, you can see other things over time that you don’t like. Personally I’ve started off liking guys a lot in the beginning, and over time they did things I didn’t like, or I discovered things about them I didn’t like, and saw other sides to them and their personalities.

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              • ATWYSingle Says:

                Bree, you’ve made your point. We all get it. You disagree with the advice. Please just move along. There’s other stuff you can comment on.

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                • Nicki Says:

                  Is Bree the OP? Awfully defensive!

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                • Bree Says:

                  I am responding to other peoples comments.
                  You can always close this post if you no longer want people to be able to comment on it.
                  I’ve run my own blog as well. I know how this works.

                  Thank you :)

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              • maria Says:

                gibberish. i don’t even know what you are talking about. get a grip you sound like a lunatic

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                • Bree Says:

                  Maria I sound like a realist.

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                  • Dori Says:

                    Bree reminded me of Miss Crawford from Mansfield Park, but with the genders reversed.She urges the OP “… to persevere in the hope of being loved in time, and of having his (in our case HER) addresses most kindly received at the end of about ten years’ happy marriage.”

                    I can picture a woman who decides to marry a man she likes, but does not love, but who is perfect ‘on paper’ with the hopes that in time she will learn to love him. But I have trouble picturing a man doing this.

                    Sorry, not realistic…

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                  • No Disrespect Says:

                    Bree: “This is part of the reason I don’t even believe in dating advice.”

                    Why are you here again?

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      • Julie Says:

        “Let me ask all of you a question….How many long time married couples do you know who realistically have that lovey dovey madly passionately in love type of love?? ”

        None.

        Ask me how many long time married couples had no lovey dovey madly passionately in love type of love at 7 months. The answer is also NONE.

        If you have a guy who has no love for his girlfriend ESPECIALLY at 7 months of dating, the chemistry isn’t there and this relationship is doomed. This is the stuff divorce stories are made of.

        …and I’m not single nor are several other people who have commented here.

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  6. Ben Iyyar Says:

    I agree that begging for love is probably the least effective way of getting that love, and is pretty undignified for the person begging as well. But sometimes loneliness, being alone, and worse, desperation, can lead even sensible people to behave in unsavory and ineffective ways.
    All of us have the right to love and happiness, but no one deserves these things. The truth is that usually we have to earn and work to keep that life partner or better yet, that wife or husband’s love, trust, and commitment. I have seen and thus I can certainly understand how some individuals finally reach the end of their emotional rope and will say and do anything in order not to wake up alone and hopeless in the morning.

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    • Bree Says:

      When did this woman say she was begging for his love? And whose to say she’s madly and passionately in love with him at this point?
      I think simply because of the time she’s invested, and just being a woman, she wants what most every woman want from a man they’re dating; commitment.

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      • Julie Says:

        Ben has a point. A guy tries to break up with the OP by telling her “I don’t love you”. And rather then respecting his feelings and wishes she basically says “But…but….you will love me! You can’t leave.” That’s pretty much the definition of desperate.

        As for time invested…come on it was only serious for barely 4 months if that. Where the time investment become dire is in the fact that she is 41 and wants a family.

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      • maria Says:

        it seems like she is “begging” because this is her second letter about the same thing in less than a year. Men aren’t known to just out of nowhere declare they don’t have any love for the woman they are dating so she probably put the squeeze on him to tell him how he is feeling about her. this move alone reeks of desperation, and people in happy new relationships don’t have to constantly ask the person they are with how they are feeling. If things are going well, even if they are going slowly, you just don’t ask or bring things like this up, especially not 3 months in. Like always there is more to this story than she is letting on. Like I said guys almost never say things like this unless they are really feeling cornered. Either way, she can accept that this will be more of a casual relationship of companionship (there is actually really nothing wrong with that) or she can accept that he isn’t going to wake up one day and propose marriage and want kids etc.

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    • Eliza Says:

      Ben….a person can be in the wrong relationship – or with someone that is not committed–and STILL feel alone…while sharing a bed with that person. You can be in a room of 500 people, and feel alone. And be single, yet feel OK with yourself, and content with where you are, but I agree…fear can be a very strong motivator or can paralyze someone from ever meeting someone and committing.

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  7. Julie Says:

    I’ve been on the flip side of this. Years ago, I dated a guy who was almost nearly completely perfect. Tall, good looking, sweet, loyal, smart, nice to his mama, you name it. Everything but chemistry and a common outlook on life. After three months of dating we had a heated political discussion and I essentially told him “no way can I ever be with a guy who is this politically conservative!” His response was, “Really? You’re going to break up with me over that?!” I said “I guess not” and we continued to date. Over the next nearly two years, we had a really great relationship with really “meh” chemistry that never just never seemed to progress anywhere. And every few months I would find myself on the receiving end of the question “Really? You’re going to break up with me over that?” And every time I’d back down until one day I didnt and it was over.

    No one tries to run away from something great.

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  8. Eliza Says:

    Ellen-I agree with many others on here and with Moxie’s view….don’t you think you deserve to be with a man that has a mutual feelings..and is on the same page as you? Sometimes women have to read between the lines, and go on their instinct or try to gauge by certain cues….but in this case, the guy is being so blunt and straight forward with you. Just cut your losses and invest your valuable time with someone worth it. You can’t make a square peg fit into a round hole. there may be a great friendship there – and sure, he finds you attractive, but may not view you as a girlfriend…so unless you are cool with a FWB situation…move on.

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