Does A Cancelled Date Mean It’s Over?

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Kristendatingflowers
Comment: There is this guy I met through work. We both work in quality control but for different companies. So we have only had contact via email. He sends me documents several times a week and we began talking about more than just work.

After months of emails he asked me on a date last week and I agreed to coffee.  Before our first date ended he asked me to go on a second date hiking. I agreed and he picked me up from my house. He gave me this exquisite bottle of wine and paired it with dark chocolate.

Then two days ago he spontaneously asked me out to dinner during the work week. We went out and had a good time. We had plans for this weekend, plans that he made. Now today, the day of our date night, he emails me saying he is leaving work early because he is sick and can’t make it.

I emailed him back telling him not to worry and to get well. Then he sent me another email asking how my day was going. I replied saying my day was good and that I was excited for the weekend.

I have a feeling this is the beginning of the end. I feel that if I had a date with a super hot guy I would go even if I was sick. I feel like I shouldn’t have agreed to the spontaneous dinner plans earlier this week. I think I was over available =(
Age: 25
City: San Ramon
State: CA


Maybe…he was really sick?

I feel that if I had a date with a super hot guy I would go even if I was sick.

Really? So, like, if you had explosive diarrhea you’d still go on that date because the guys was, like, super hot? You wouldn’t stay home and nurse yourself back to health because your body and your wellness just might be a tad more important? Do you hear how ridiculous that sounds?

It sucks to be disappointed, especially when you really like a guy, but you can’t let that get in the way of seeing things rationally. It could very well be that he was feeling too sick to go out. It doesn’t have to be a sign of something bad. It’s difficult, I know, but sometimes you just have to sit on your hands and wait it out. Yeah, he could be moving on. But so what if he does? He’s one guy. Who cares?With him or without him, you’re okay.

Again I will say that neuroses like this stem from the fear that whatever guy we’re digging at the moment might end up being the last man to ever ever show interest in us, and so we must lock him down or else risk being alone forever. Being alone forever isn’t such a horrible fate. Not if you like your own company. Since that’s something you can control, why don’t you work on developing a solid relationship with yourself? Take advantage of your freedom and independence. Go sign up for a dating site and go on dates. Learn how to enjoy being alone. There are many upsides to it. You just have to want to acknowledge them. That way, when you do meet another guy, you won’t flip out because he doesn’t call when he says he would or cancels a date. You’ll be able to go, “Ok. No problem” and mean it. That’s a very liberating moment that every woman should experience.


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10 Responses to “Does A Cancelled Date Mean It’s Over?”

  1. BostonRobin Says:

    LW, You got to “know” this guy over months of emails. The only way you’ll get to really know him is to spend time with him. Is this the end? You won’t know unless you don’t hear from him again. It sounds like he came on pretty strong, with the wine and chocolate and perfect dates. He probably enjoyed the email time too and hoped it would translate to Real Life, but did it? Again, you won’t know till you hear from him. Or not.

    However, you cannot get hung up on someone you only went out with a couple of time. Easy to say, hard to do. What you can do is become more active and have fun things you do on your own so you don’t care anymore if you have dates. I’m at the point now where I enjoy my own company so much that I have very little patience for people who are not 110% invested in enjoying it as well. I love it when someone cancels a date on me. Then I don’t have to bother with that person anymore.

    It might hurt if I liked the person, but I’ll think, “Oh really? You’re not into me? So what, I am. NEXT.” Keep telling yourself that and you’ll never be lonely. Oh, but don’t be a bitch about it–that line happens in your head of course :P

  2. jaclyn Says:

    I didn’t normally test a guy in the early stages of dating, but on the rare occasions in which they cancelled a first date, I would respond kindly and with great sympathy, “oh, I’m so sorry you are feeling sick. I hope you feel better soon.” When they’d try to reschedule, I’d say, “oh, you should take care of yourself and see how you are feeling. If you feel better on Sunday, why don’t you call me then, and we’ll set something up.” That way, if it is a legitimate emergency, and they were actually interested in me they’d call. On the two occasions this happened, they didn’t bother to call again, so I assumed they weren’t that interested (which is statistically more likely than the chances of their being sick for a first date) but I gave them the opportunity to take a second chance just in case it was an actual emergency.

  3. D. Says:

    I cancelled a second date with a woman once, because I had a wicked cold and didn’t want to get her sick. We ended up dating for a year and a half. She was surprised to hear from me when I called to reschedule, but I had really been in bad shape the week before, and didn’t want to get her sick. Also, I wanted to present myself at my best.

    All that said, maybe this guy has lost interest. And so what? He’s one guy. You’re 25. There’ll be other guys.

    My guess is that you have not yet had the experience of going out with someone who is, objectively, perfectly lovely as a person. They’re attractive, interesting, etc., but for whatever reason, or maybe for some very specific, minor, but important-to-you reason, you just don’t see it going anywhere further than, say, a handful of dates. That happens ALL THE TIME in dating, and it doesn’t really say anything about the person being rejected other than “These two individuals weren’t a good fit.”

  4. maria Says:

    its sad to be 25 and writing in to a site like this over something kind of silly. you are at a very desirable age, you are probably just starting out on your career. you have so much ahead of you. I understand everybody gets dating anxiety but please don’t stress your 20s away over stuff like this… once they are gone they are gone.
    its possible he was sick. the ball is in his court. you tell him you hope he gets well soon and move on. maybe he is really sick and you’ll hear from him again. maybe he is not. it doesn’t matter enough for you to be this worried about it.
    I once went out on a date when I had a cold and I wish I had rescheduled it because I was miserable the entire time. I couldn’t put my best foot forward I was in pain and uncomfortable and I just wanted to be home in warm pjs sleeping. give him the benefit of the doubt but don’t put all your eggs in one basket. go out on more dates or just do something fun with your friends.

  5. No Disrespect Says:

    If I had a date with a super hot guy and got sick beforehand, there would be NO WAY I would not cancel. At this point, after a handful of dates, you’re still trying to put your best face forward. When you’re sick, you can’t possibly show what you’re about. And even worse, bringing your germs to the party so that your date can possibly get sick too? No, girl. Stay at home and recover.

    You will know soon enough if this guy still wants to go out with you. I agree with the above: don’t put all of your eggs in one basket.

  6. Lisa Says:

    People do get sick! Sickness is not some rare, unusual occurrence.

    Maybe instead of the suspicion and cynicism, shoot him a text and see how he’s doing? Ask if he needs anything?

    I have been that person who has gotten sick at the very beginning of a few relationships. Nothing weird, just a bad cold or the flu. I don’t have any family anywhere nearby and it’s not like I’d tell all of my friends if I have a cold. So when a guy I just started dating asks how I was or if he could bring me something, it makes me so happy (even tho I don’t take them up on it).

  7. Joan Says:

    Why we have to always assume the worst when it comes to guys we like?

    I have done the same thing so many times, even after dating someone for months, I have entered in panic mode, thinking he, probably just want to end up things with me when he have cancelled a date due to extra work, family emergency or because he is ill…

    Do not assume the worst, relax and wait to see what he says.
    maybe send him a note, asking how is he feeling, BUT do not shoot endless messages. If he really wants to end things with you, he will do it no mattter what you say or do, to keep hI’m with yoU.

    Do not assume the worst when things don’t go the way you like them to be.

    Take a chill pill, like my teen son say to me, and wait. Keep yourself busy, stop the obsession and press to cancel bottom to the panic mode you have entered.

  8. HammersAndNails Says:

    “I have a feeling this is the beginning of the end. I feel that if I had a date with a super hot guy I would go even if I was sick. I feel like I shouldn’t have agreed to the spontaneous dinner plans earlier this week. I think I was over available”

    This is 100% irrational thinking. If you are sick you cancel. nobody wants to hear you coughing up phlegm or have you run to the bathroom on bunch of times a fourth date, while you are distracted, sweating and pale. Seriously? You are not thinking clearly.

    If it was that you were over available you would never know it. Maybe he got a whiff of your hair and doesn’t like the smell. Maybe you made a joke he considered off color. Don’t jump to conclusions like you know something when you have 0 evidence to make that a reasonable conclusion. Next time you are going to be hard to schedule a date with? Really? If you’d played hard to get with a guy who diddled around on email for months of emails, he CLEARLY would have thought you were not interested and dropped it.

    THINK. Don’t just feel and react and freak out. The most likely explanation is that he is sick. If you don’t hear from him for 4 days, you can then begin to freakout. In the meantime you need to figure out how to curb your negative nervous energy. People can sense when you are always on the verge of a crisis or ready to assume the worst about other people. It comes accross as insecure, needy, and honestly dangerous.

    Work late? Must be cheating.
    fail to give her a minute by minute report of everything? must be hiding something.
    Spend a weekend with friends? you don’t love her anymore.
    Do something really nice? Must have done something bad and trying to ease your guilt.
    Give her a nice compliment? Just saying what she wants to hear.

    You need to pickup a few books and get ready to try to work on yourself. I don’t know if you need full blown therapy, but the life of a Catastrophizer sounds awful. Google “Catastrophizing” and start reading.

  9. Mark Says:

    Date One: He does the pick you up, bottle of wine, in essence the whole nine yards.

    Date Two: Spontaneous dinner. Things seem go well with a third date set up.

    Cancels third date. Says reason is ill.

    Well, it could be. Then again it might be a subtle fade from the scene. Either is possible. I can’t read minds to I can only guess.

    Point – ball is in his court. If he is legitimately interested, he can follow up with a plan. If he does, it should be sooner rather than later.

    If more than a week or so goes by before he suggests something, then a polite thanks but no thanks might be in order. Either his interest is tepid (for whatever reason) or he has delegated you to a backup to whatever is his priority at this point. Be polite about it, there is a business relationship that ought to be maintained so a certain decorum ought to be maintained.

    Best of luck and hope things go well.

  10. Kyra Says:

    If they’re willing to reschedule, your fine. Life happens while you’re making plans.

    I don’t think it’s an issue until the third reschedule gets cancelled. Until then, give them the benefit of the doubt and don’t be so paranoid.

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