The Internet Is Not The Place To Look For Answers To Your Problems

April 23rd, 2015

Quickie

Three days ago I received this letter:sadman2

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Davis29

Comment: Do most people think I am loser because my Fiancee passed away and I am still a virgin at 28?

This is hard to write about but to cut a very long story short my girlfriend passed away in a car accident when I was 17 and we were close from basically the day we were born and were going to get married when we turned 18 but my life didn’t turn out the way I had planned and I went through depression. I chose to blame myself for my girlfriend’s death and I become an alcoholic and got addicted to drugs because I thought it was the best way to drown my pain and tried ending my life just so I could be with her again but I am still here today and after all those years I can say I am one hundred percent clean. I don’t drink or do any forms of illegal drugs anymore and I have turned my whole life around but I still feel empty on the inside.

As much as I loved her I want to move on because I don’t want to live my life alone but there is a part of me that is afraid of getting close to another woman because I might lose them too and that might sound strange to some people but the last woman I got close to and become friends with passed away too so I feel like I have been cursed and I am not sure what I did wrong. I am not looking to lose my virginity just for the sake of it or I would have lost it a long time ago and I am starting to think I might be asexual because I don’t think about sex or have any sexual urges and believe my sex drive may have died when I lost my old girlfriend.

I currently work as a musician, songwriter and a music journalist and some people might think having money makes you happy but I would trade it all in for just a few minutes with my old girlfriend because none of it means a cent to me. I still miss her over a decade later and some days I think I should have been the one who had passed away that day because she had more to live for than me and she was very talented and never got to show the world that. When I lost her I didn’t just lose my girlfriend, I lost my best friend. Our Mothers were best friends so we were very close from when we were born and grew up together and for 17 years I only loved one person.

The other woman I mentioned was only a friend but I loved her and I could never tell her how I felt about her because a large part of me felt guilty even having those feelings for a woman that wasn’t my old girlfriend. I knew she liked me because her friends told me and had she had lived I would have tried. She passed away in a car accident too in 2009 and that is one of the main reasons I don’t drive and it is like everybody I get close to passes away whether it be my girlfriend, my friend, my Mum, my Pop, my Aunt and even my dog and I am struggling to see the point of living some days because if I died tomorrow I would be back with my girlfriend and my friend again and I would be happy.

The other problem I have is ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome and OCD and I don’t often tell many people I have disabilities because of the reputation that goes with them thanks to movies and TV shows that go out of their way to make us look like jokes and feel like shit but some days I feel like Katie was the only person that could really understand me in the world and I am honestly not sure if I will ever find another person that will accept me for that like Katie did. My friend (Emma) did and my sister does too but most people I have told I had disabilities to do want anything to do with me after it. I asked this question on Yahoo Answers and the majority of answers I got were just people putting me down for having disabilities and being a virgin so I don’t know.
Age: 29
City: Sydney
State: New South Wales

Then, today he sent this:

Alias (DO NOT USE A REAL NAME!!): Davis29
Comment: Thank you for not replying to my question. I didn’t realise this site was discriminative against people with disabilities but I will be sure to warn others to avoid it in the future. I thankfully found the help I needed on another site so thank you for not wasting my time.
Age: 29
City: Sydney
State: New South Wales

 

You’re clearly in some profound pain, and for that I extend my sincerest sympathies. I imagine that dealing with the loss of not just one but two loved ones has caused you great deal of agony.

That said,  something you should probably understand about life and people is that the whole world doesn’t come to a halt because you have a problem, disabilities or not. You are not the only person in this world who is suffering, and you don’t really get to decide whose pain and confusion should take precedence. Nor do you get to issue an edict as to how quickly I should acknowledge you. I’m very sorry, but I have a business to run and other letters to answer that came in before yours and clients to attend to and, frankly, my own “stuff” to deal with.

The truth is, I don’t feel comfortable addressing any of this. I am not a therapist or a doctor. I’m just some woman with opinions and insights. I fear I would do more harm than good. I don’t even like posting it because I know all the perpetual concern trollers will come out and offer their wisdom and half of it will be trite ans safe and the other half will be useless and glib. .

The internet is not the place for you to be looking for answers to problems like this. You want to know how to fix your sink or laptop? Take thee to the internet. Then and only then is the internet of use to you. Yahoo Answers is one step above You Tube comments. People who hang around advice sites like Yahoo Answers or even this site do it for one reason: to feel better about themselves. They like taking the position of wise sage. It makes them feel superior. You’re not going to get the help you need by posting your story across the world wide web. You need therapy. You need to talk to a professional. I am not a professional. A licensed therapist will help you work through all of this in a way that I cannot.

Best of Luck.

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31 Responses to “The Internet Is Not The Place To Look For Answers To Your Problems”

  1. Davis Says:

    Thanks for replying and sorry if I offended you with my second letter but I have had a lot of people put me down on sites over my disabilities and it annoys me and I jumped to the conclusion you didn’t reply to me because of that.

    You are right with what you said but I guess I am nervous about going to a therapist because I have tried my best to handle everything by myself.

    • E-B Says:

      I understand the nervousness about seeing a therapist because I put if off for years. But I can say now that going to therapy was the best decision I ever made. Think of it this way- with a therapist, you are still handling it, but you have someone helping you out.
      One caveat- there are a lot of different therapists out there, so you may have better experiences with some than with others. If you find that you are not working well with your therapist, consider switching.
      I don’t know anything about Sydney, but I found my therapist by asking my primary care physician for a suggestion. It’s someplace to start.
      Good luck!

    • Fyodor Says:

      See a therapist. You are ill-equipped to handle this yourself. Best of luck to you.

  2. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    As predicted, here come the concern trolls. Or, well, technically I’m a concern gnome.

    “The other problem I have is ADHD, Asperger’s Syndrome and OCD…”

    How is it possible that the OP has been diagnosed with at least three (3) separate psychological conditions but has never been in the care of psychiatric professional. Doesn’t add up, sorry.

  3. mindstar Says:

    Davis by all means see a good therapist. This may take some time and legwork but it will payoff in the end. Since you’ve already been diagnosed with ADHD, Asperger’s and OCD you may already know some decent therapists.Start talking with them

    By your own admission (years of depression and substance abuse) you can’t handle these problems yourself so get some help. If you can’t fix the plumbing in your home you don’t sit in a flood you hire a plumber. If you can’t do electrical work you hire an electrician. No shame there they just have a skill set that you don’t.

    Also lighten up about people putting you down about your disabilities. Moxie responded to your letter in THREE days and gave very good advice. No need to see a three day response time as a personal attack. You may be unconsciously scaring off people who could be great friends/lovers by your sensitivity.

    Lastly, sooner or later EVERYONE dies. You will, I will and everyone we know will. It’s harsh but it’s a fact of life. Putting your own life on hold for the better part of decade because of the loss of your childhood sweetheart is a disservice to her memory and your future.

  4. fuzzilla Says:

    I don’t know if anyone sees me as a “concern troll.” I honestly didn’t even read the whole letter, because:

    **The truth is, I don’t feel comfortable addressing any of this. I am not a therapist or a doctor.**

    As an aside:

    **That said, something you should probably understand about life and people is that the whole world doesn’t come to a halt because you have a problem**

    My boyfriend’s kid really needs to learn this (I guess at least he has being a teenager as an excuse, somewhat).

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      A concern troll is someone who hides harmful advice behind a false facade of caring.

      You’re just someone who needs to opine about everything.

      And I mean that in the nicest possible way, Fuzz.

  5. maria Says:

    ” People who hang around advice sites like Yahoo Answers or even this site do it for one reason: to feel better about themselves. They like taking the position of wise sage”

    maybe on some level that’s true, though I started reading because I was going through a rough break up and having a really, really hard time dating and didn’t have a lot of people in my day to day life to talk to. everybody in my life married the one person they ever dated and simply didn’t understand what I was going through. didn’t understand why I was having a hard time dating and just didn’t understand why I can’t just meet somebody and get married because it was so easy for them. I thought a website with advice from people going through the same kind of thing that didn’t pander to women (you know, the whole you go girl, you are awesome just the way you are!) would help me with my dating and it has. coupled with therapy of course. I don’t have anything to say about the letter as its too much to put on you or any of these readers and I agree the young man in question really needs to get professional help but maybe I should just silently read and take whatever advice that is given that might be relevant to me and not comment. I thought my two cents would be helpful to somebody going through a hard time dating, as other peoples two cents have been helpful to me

    besides, I have xojane to read if I REALLY want to feel better about myself :p

    • Julie Says:

      The comment section exists solely for the purpose of identifying narcissists…as does the letter writer option.

      • Lucy Says:

        But how can you necessarily identify a narcissist from a single comment? I think it is possible for people to be very self-involved without necessarily being a narcissist. Sometimes what could come across as narcissism could be just a lack of self-awareness, right?

        • Julie Says:

          I was joking. People respond to an inquiry from a stranger on the internet for the same reasons they respond to an inquiry from a stranger they encountered in person. I think it would be hard to determine that someone is a narcissist without spending some time with them.

          • Lucy Says:

            Oh I see. :) Another trouble with the internet – discerning tone from comments!

            • Joey Giraud Says:

              Same as it ever was.

              Some comments threads resemble a Keystone Cops film what with all the misunderstanding and falling down in the mud.

  6. Lucy Says:

    Yeah the internet can’t be your therapist but I can understand why people turn to the internet for advice at times. Sometimes it feels like you’re in an intractable situation and there aren’t enough people irl to confide in. The internet also provides anonymity so people feel comfortable asking questions they wouldn’t necessarily ask in person.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with people asking for advice on the internet but they might not always find the answers they are seeking. It is best to ask a professional who can get a realistic idea of the kind of help you need.

    To the letter writer, things will get better and eventually you won’t dwell on the past. Therapy also makes a big difference. I needed it myself – it gives a safe outlet to seek help without imposing on anyone close to you or acting vulnerable around the wrong people. For me it also allowed me to get everything out when I needed to then leave it in the therapy room.

    Good luck :)

  7. No Disrespect Says:

    Maybe I’m “concern trolling,” but I do have some (very, very limited) authority to speak on this issue, as I have a master’s in social work.

    … And everyone is absolutely right. You do not need to suffer alone. Find a good, reputable therapist to start working though your issues. Just talking to someone about your losses will help you so much.

    And they will be able to help you with your OCD, Aspergers and ADHD as well. Some medication may go a long way to have as normal of a life as you are willing to have!

    Good luck! You do not have to be alone anymore.

    • JayD Says:

      No disrespect, literally, but I dated two women of MSW and both work in counseling, and they are both batshit crazy.

      • Julie Says:

        The OP is borderline suicidal, delusional and coming to a dating message board for therapy. No disrespects advise was pretty solid….regardless of your colorful dating experience…

        • JayD Says:

          Julie, Your diagnosis is spot on. You must have a PhD in social work.

          • Joey Giraud Says:

            I know what you’re saying JayD. A lot of people who go into psychology do so to help fix themselves first.

            My ex took us to what seemed like an endless string of therapists, and most of them at some point alluded to their own history of non-trivial issues.

        • Davis Says:

          Ummm…….Let’s see. Borderline suicidal? Right. Pissed off? Right. A little crazy? Right. Delusional? Wrong but nice try…….

          I am sorry to disappoint you but I have already been through enough shit in my lifetime to know how most people feel about people with disabilities these days and when the current figures here show 1 in every 3 people with Autism faces severe bullying at some point in their lives and 1 in every 6 go on to commit suicide before they reach the age of 30 (Studio 10) it’s a fact most people don’t like us but to acknowledge this is to acknowledge something the media doesn’t seem as sociably fashionable so of course we must ignore that but we will acknowledge the bullying and discrimination homosexuals face now because media deems them as ‘right’ and us as ‘wrong.’ How about you take a look at how many movies, TV shows, books, magazines, newspapers, blogs, sites etc in the last decade go out of their way to put down people with disabilities and try to make us feel like shit for having them.

          I could list over one hundred different examples of this in the past year alone but seeing though I am delusional as you stated they must be in my fucking head. People like you only see what you want to see and if it doesn’t affect or offend you, who gives a fuck about anyone else? Ignorance is bliss, isn’t that what say? And for someone like you who believes discrimination against people with disabilities is nothing more than a product of delusion I get the impression your head must be so far up your ass you haven’t seen anything clearly in a long time. Maybe some other people with disabilities that you have met prefer to lie down and put up with it but I don’t shut my mouth for anybody and I am going to speak out about things like this whether other people like it or not because it is a fucking joke.

          My sister has seen it and she won’t even send my eight year old niece to a public school because she has Autism and she doesn’t want her to get bullied like other kids around her age but wait, I suppose she is delusional too and the bullying just doesn’t happen? Yeah right…If anything, it is getting worse and children with disabilities face more discrimination and bullying now than I did when I was a child and a large part of that is because of the way media portrays people with disabilities. I don’t see that changing anytime soon because I lost faith in humanity when the same drunken driver that cost my girlfriend her life was released early on good behavior but I do want to change it for my niece and for other children like her because they should not have to go through that. My niece is an amazing little girl and she is very smart for her age and she says I am her favourite uncle.

          I have been teaching her how to play guitar and being able to spend time with her and my sister are one of few good things left in my life. She doesn’t have a Dad because he packed up and run but she has her Mum and me.

          • Julie Says:

            Where in ANY of my comments did I make a references to your disabilities? As far me discriminating against people with psychiatric disorders, I dated a guy for nearly 3 years who’s son was in counseling for Asperger’s and under medication for ADHD. At the time, I read quite a bit about Asperger’s so that I could be more helpful to my then boyfriend and his son. He was a nice kid and last I heard was finishing up college and doing just fine.

            You are projecting your expectations on me.

            • Davis Says:

              You didn’t.

              I simply assumed you were writing about my disabilities because you called me ‘delusional’ just after I wrote a post about discrimination people with disabilities face. I am sorry if I jumped to conclusions in my previous post but if there is one thing that really pisses me off it is people that put down other people for having disabilities and know-it-alls that think they know everything there is to know about people with disabilities but don’t have disabilities themselves. These people often do it because they ‘need’ somebody to hate and somebody to put down to make them feel good about themselves and very rarely do they actually say it to the faces of those of us that will fight back because they lack the balls to and don’t want to be humiliated in front of their friends by a retard. I have no problems with fighting people and if somebody wants to test me they better be prepared to have something broken.

              After all the years of emotional and physical abuse, bullying and constant putdowns my own Dad put me through on top of everything else you might say I have a lot of rage inside of me and as much as I despise him a part of me is grateful because it is that rage that has fueled me over the past few years to become stronger and more successful and boy, does it really shit some people off because we are not supposed to succeed at anything in our meaningless little lives, we are not supposed to be happy and we are most definitely not supposed to speak out about thing such as discrimination because we are not important. According to the norms we are supposed to shut our mouths like good little boys and girls and pretend it doesn’t happen….not interested and let’s get one thing straight. I don’t give a fuck if people like me or not because I have disabilities and I speak out against the shit we have to face for having.

              I would rather be hated for standing up for something than loved for being an ignorant prick.

  8. AC Says:

    As a part-time concern troll, I have to agree with DMN on this one.

    We live in a diagnosis happy world. The more I learn about ADHD, Aspbergers, and other phony-baloney conditions that have made the pharmaceutical industry hundreds of billions of dollars, the more I suspect they’re part of all a well constructed long con.

    No doubt, the OP’s been trough some traumatic experiences. I also suspect he’s been fed some awful lies about himself. Yes. Stay away from the internet and all of its well meaning but misguided “helpers.”

    • Joey Giraud Says:

      It’s not a con, but drug companies aren’t honest

      A very few kids with serious problems get attention, someone comes up with a name for the problems and writes a list of symptoms, and then people who want to help ( and maybe make a living doing so ) start seeing the problem everywhere because the list is so long and generic and just what are reasonable expectations about people’s behaviors anyway?

      Next thing you know, *everyone* has ADD, ADHD, OCD or Spectrum.

      No villains here, although drug corporations do lie a lot.

      • AC Says:

        “Next thing you know, *everyone* has ADD, ADHD, OCD or Spectrum.”

        I think think this sums it up.

  9. Davis Says:

    Thank you for help.

    I have been looking into Therapists with the help of my Sister and I have an appointment lined up for next Monday and I will see how things go. My Sister is going to come with me and she has been very supportive of me over the years and she has encouraged me to see Therapists in the past but I didn’t go to one because I didn’t want people to think I was weak. Now, I don’t care anymore because I feel like I have reached the point where I can’t do this anymore and I would rather be dead than have the feelings I have inside me now. I wish I could be numb even if that meant never feeling anything again because it is my emotions that are killing me and there are days when I wake up in the morning and I don’t want to get out of bed because the only time I feel truly happy is when I am dreaming.

    Maybe I am meant to suffer. Katie would still be alive now if she wasn’t in a car on the way to my old house and I am pretty sure Emma (my friend) would still be alive too if she hadn’t gotten close to me because all I do curse people and it makes me think I should just avoid people altogether because it’s safer that way and that’s one of the reasons I don’t get close to people anymore. I would like to have another relationship with somebody like I had with Katie but part of me is worried they will just pack their bags and run the minute they find out about my past and if they don’t run away over that then they will run away when they find out I have disabilities. I could lie to them about the disabilities part because I have done a good job of that with people I work with but then they wouldn’t really love me like Katie did. :(

  10. Davis Says:

    As for DrivingMeNutes’ answer.

    I am not sure if you know the difference between a Specialist and a Therapist but I was diagnosed by a Specialist by the name of Dr. Gordon Serfontein with ADHD and OCD in the late 80s. I don’t remember much about Dr. Serfontein because he passed away when I was only young but after he passed away I was referred to another Specialist named Dr. Rory McCarthy who I saw three times a year for over a decade and he later diagnosed me with Asperger’s Syndrome. When I went used to go to see him I had to do tests where I lied down and they put a cap on my head with wires attached to it and I felt like a fucking lab rat. I might be wrong but it is my understanding a normal Therapist isn’t authorised to diagnose a person with disabilities such as ADHD and OCD here in Australia and the only people that can do that are Specialists (paediatricians) but I have heard a Therapist can write out prescriptions for Ritalin. If you would like to contact Dr. McCarthy about my disabilities I am happy to provide you with his phone number and he will verify everything I have written on here.

    With that being said I can tell you don’t have disabilities nor do you know much about them because you have no idea the level of discrimination that comes with having them and if I was going to create a story about having disabilities or mental health problems I would choose another disability to have apart from ADHD or Asperger’s Syndrome to get sympathy out of people. Hell, I would rather say that I was a terrorist because I am sure they are less hated than us but I understand because it is just the same reason whites hated blacks and heterosexuals hated homosexuals because a lot of people hate what they don’t understand and what they don’t perceive to be normal. My Father was that way and he was an alcoholic and thought I was a ‘fuckup’ and a ‘spastic’ because I wasn’t the perfect ‘normal’ son he wanted and when he wasn’t abusing my Mum he was abusing me and when I went to school I would watch other kids who were more open about having them get bullied on a daily basis and three of them committed suicide before reaching the age of 20 so I am used to it.

  11. JayD Says:

    Whoa!! Who else of you concerned people have any additional advice for the OP?

  12. Davis Says:

    Oohh and to all my haters on here, it sure has been fun but Davis the ‘Retard’ has to go out now so I hope you have a wonderful Tuesday afternoon. :)

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