How Testing A Guy Can Backfire

Name: Jennifer

Comment: I met this guy online and we finally met in person. Our first date was amazing—so much so frank_orlythat he wrote me after our date to tell me he thought I was amazing, that I exceeded all of his expectations and that he can’t wait to see me again. We scheduled our second date for that following weekend and I was as giddy as a school girl.  As it turns out, he wrote one of my friends on the same dating website a few days later and set up a date with her for the same evening him and I planned to meet. He then cancelled our date, claiming he had plans to take his son trick or treating. I know he won’t be trick or treating with his son because he set up this date with my friend.  My friend and I are equally matched—we’re both very attractive and successful women, we have a very similar look, as people think we are sisters when we go out together.  The coincidence is frustrating, but the fact that he lied to me and cancelled our date to go out with someone else frustrates me even more.  I know we’ve only been on one date, and I expect that he’s going to date other women until he settles on one (plus, I’m dating other men right now too, and rightfully so), but it shows me that he’s willing to push me to the side for someone else in a heartbeat.  Plus, the fact that he professed such a strong interest in me after our first date, then quickly turned around to go out with my friend (who is very similar to me) makes him seem insincere.  I’m debating on whether I want to continue seeing him as he wants to reschedule our date.  It’s tough because it’s too early for me to care about him seeing other people, and it’s just unfortunate that I know that he’s lying.  My friend plans on ditching the date—she plans to just not show up and not call—she’s pretty pissed about the whole scenario.  I won’t tell him that I know about this—at least not until down the line, assuming that we continue seeing each other. Like I said, I am dating other men, but he is/was definitely a front runner.  I really liked spending time with him, our conversation was amazing, we have so much in common, he’s very attractive and successful and other than this oddball situation, I think he’s great.  What do you think would be the best course of action for me to take?

Age: 33
City: San Diego
State: CA

So, you’re saying that this guy you had one date with also happened to randomly contact your friend who also uses the same dating site around the time you went out with him? Wow. That’s a staggering coincidence. Was Jack Tripper hiding behind a door at any point listening to your conversations and there was some big misunderstanding that culminated with him dressing up in drag and trying to catch this guy in the act?

orlyrick

Let’s pretend for argument’s sake that this scenario played out exactly the way you’re saying it did. This is an example of why I say that most women don’t really want to know the truth. This guy you met has options and he was exercising them. Had you not “accidentally discovered” that he was also talking with other women, you’d be none the wiser. He’d still be doing it, of course. You just wouldn’t know about it. You’re doing the same thing. But, as often is the case in these situations, the person who perceives themselves as being slighted forgets that. Yes, it sucks that he lied and that he wasn’t as eager to meet up with you again as you were. But that’s dating. Somebody came along that piqued his interest and, before he got too invested in you, he wanted to explore that possibility. Sounds like dating in 2015 to me.

For future reference, effusive feedback after a first date should probably set off your bells. You’re right, if he really was that interested he wouldn’t have bumped you for someone else. So either he’s disingenuous or you completely misread the situation and his words. I’m thinking it’s a combination of both.

orly_dr_evil

Should you and he continue to date never, ever, EVER admit to any of this. Not sure how you’ll manage to skirt this since he’d eventually meet your friends if this becomes a regular thing. Personally, I find it very suspect that you even knew that your friend was talking to this guy in the first place. Maybe this has to do with my age, but I don’t typically share with my friends the identity of people I meet online until they become a regular part of my life. But for you, dear Jenn, I am going to suspend my disbelief. Write this date down, folks, as this doesn’t happen often. The reason you shouldn’t come clean about this is because he won’t believe it was a random coincidence. Your friend needs to contact him and make up some story about how something suddenly came up and she can’t meet with him. Not showing up is just stupid and childish.

If you do continue to see this guy, you’re just going to have to get past this indiscretion. Yes, he lied to you. I don’t think he was being deceptive as much as he was being diplomatic. If you do bring it up, he will drop you like a bad habit and assume you’re an oddball who was way too invested after a first date who cooked up a plot to test him.

My honest opinion? I think you created a fake profile and tried to catch him in a lie. Either that or you had a friend contact him for you to see if he was communicating with other women. If this friend is real, that was a foolish thing to do, as he’ll eventually meet her and your little plot might be revealed. Which is why I’m going with the former explanation and guessing you constructed a phony profile. The thing about trying to trap men in lies is that it always ends up blowing back on us. Just by setting the trap, we look crazy. Reveal our plan and we tip our hand. Which means we’re left with knowing this secret and having it eventually gnaw away at us. That voice telling us he’s lying will never go away.

In situations such as this, when you really like someone you’ve just met, the only option you have is to wait and see how things play out. It’s hard and it can drive us out of our minds with anxiety, but that is our only option should we want to build something lasting and authentic. Maybe that guy will stick around and return our interest. Maybe he won’t. What you always have to remind yourself is that, regardless of his decision, you’re okay. With him or without him, you are just fine.

You are enough.

 

Thoughts?

Sometimes the love of your life is the love of your life. (R)

@ATWYSingle

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34 Responses to “How Testing A Guy Can Backfire”

  1. Bill Says:

    “Your friend needs to contact him and make up some story about how something suddenly came up and she can’t meet with him. Not showing up is just stupid and childish.”

    This is the ONLY part of Moxie’s reply that I agree with. Well, that and actually KNOWING when this happens is very rare.

    I disagree that this is normal, ACCEPTABLE dating practice. It might be normal, as in people do it, but I personally would not find it acceptable. He asked you out and you accepted, then he decided he could get what he thought was a “better” date for Saturday night, and reschedule with you as a back-up plan.

    This isn’t just normal dating multiple people, this is lying, breaking commitments and plain selfishness.

    He’s shown both of you that he isn’t such a “great” guy.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 39 Thumb down 4

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      This is why I rarely accept excuses about rescheduling the first few dates. Oh, and those I have accepted? Those people always turned out to be a problem eventually.

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 20 Thumb down 1

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      • Bill Says:

        There is discussion down thread whether the post it “real”, fictional or setup. Doesn’t really matter to me because the meat of this is the guy’s decision making process and lack of integrity. It is exactly analogous to the real-life dating situation where one calls with a fake illness, cough, cough, to dodge the date and let’s reschedule when I feel better.

        Were it true, and the ladies were intent on teaching a lesson, the ultimate burn would be for the friend show up for the date… long enough to make introductions, be seated, etc. Followed shortly by the OP coming up to the table, friend makes introductions, “I think you already know my friend, Jennifer.”

        Then, they both excuse themselves wishing him a “Good night” as they leave for a girls’ night out.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

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  2. zcwlgc Says:

    I don’t know why Moxie finds this so hard to believe- totally happened to me and a friend I work with. Several of us at work joined OKC at the same time, she met someone, had a first date with him, had plans to see him again. He contacted me after their first date, I knew she was interested in him, I declined. It’s something we laugh about now when we all go out. They’ve been dating for a year and a half now and are quite happy.
    I honestly don’t think it’s as far fetched as Moxie’s making it sound. My hairdresser is also on Match, as was I, and she and I looked at and discussed the same guys and they looked at both of us, I’m sure. Why does this seem so suspicious? I must be missing something here.

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      There’s nothing wrong with them contacting someone you know or even making a date with them. The problem was the rescheduling, lying about the time with the kid because how can you even fault him for that? Oh, except that it was a lie.

      See, if he didn’t have the kid to use as an excuse, he would have said something like “work’s crazy” or something equally implausible. People love to use their kids as an excuse, because if you call them out on it, they accuse you of not understanding the difficulties of dating a parent.

      This is why dating has become such a minefield. It’s one thing to tell a lie that you know makes you look bad, just to save yourself from admitting that you would rather do something else that night. That gives the other person the option of ditching you for being a flake. It’s quite another game to use a child as an excuse, or illness, or taking care of a sick parent. It’s manipulative.

      I wish more people would just own their asshole behavior!

      Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

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      • Eliza Says:

        Boston…the whole premise to being an “asshole” – is NOT owning up to such behavior! lol. And by the way, if a person lies and uses the “work” excuse – (Work’s crazy busy) – and a man or woman comes across as not understanding…that can easily be interpreted as “not being understanding of work demands” – sometime out of one’s control too. So you see…an excuse so early on (any excuse) can be used. A liar is a liar…and one can never know whether they are being told the truth. The problem lies in people who “claim that they only date one person at a time” when in fact they are doing plenty of “online shopping” for greener pastures. Don’t profess to anything at all. If you met someone online–100% chances they AND you will initially continue to browse, make and accept dates online AND off. You are not spoken for or make any commitment to anyone–so why assume all bets are off? It’s absurd.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 1

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Several of us at work joined OKC at the same time, she met someone, had a first date with him, had plans to see him again. He contacted me after their first date, I knew she was interested in him, I declined.

      You declined..what? His initial message? His date request? What?

      I don’t think it’s odd that a man might contact two women who know each other on a dating site. I think it’s suspect that he would contact two women who knew each other in the same time period and that those two women would *know* that the same man was wooing both of them at the same time. Logistically, that just seems awfully convenient.

      But then, I’m not someone who distributes the profiles of men I’m talking to online to my gaggle of gal pals at work for their review. That’s a recipe for disaster. It wouldn’t shock me in the least to find out that one of them went behind my back on and contacted one of the guys I revealed I’d been communicating with.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 13 Thumb down 4

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      • The D-man Says:

        This is the crucial point. The only plausible exception I can see is if a couple women were browsing the site together just for yucks.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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      • DrivingMeNutes Says:

        “I’m not someone who distributes the profiles of men I’m talking to online to my gaggle of gal pals at work for their review.”

        Crowdsourcing your dates, to me, is the essence of the problem. When your friends view my profile at your request, I see that they viewed me and, if I’m interested, I will undoubtedly contact them too. Of course, on the site I use, they could hide themselves but that would require a modicum of common sense and, more importantly. good faith which, unfortunutaely, your “mean girl” friends probably don’t have.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

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        • ATWYSingle Says:

          Exactly. These guys aren’t happening on the friends profiles by accident. Something is being done to encourage that attention. Its not a coincidence. And im betting in many cases some women go so far as to communicate with thise guys “just to see what he does.” All these women citing Girl Code rules are full of it.

          Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 9 Thumb down 4

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      • Lisa Says:

        I’ve been on the same dating site at the same times as a couple of close friends. And we also discussed the guys we were meeting. So I can totally see that happening.

        The give away to me that the “friend” profile is fake is that they set up the date via message function on the site (no phone numbers exchanged or voice heard) and the “friend” has decided not to even show up for the date. How convenient…the guy never speaks to or sees the “friend.”

        I know this is an old letter but if it were happening now, I’d say the letter writer should accept the fact ppl lie/stretch the truth (she does, too) and give the guy a break. Keep dating the guy and if it turns into something just disclose the whole thing and agree to be more honest with one another in the future.

        They both lied.

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

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        • BTownGirl Says:

          The only thing I would say is, if she really did create a fake profile, she should keep that sh*t to herself! I went on a date with a guy that told me he had used JDate and it turned out that two of the women he was talking to were friends. (Why did he feel the need to share? I have no idea. Probably to be all “I’m just THAT desirable.” Obviously it was a HUGE turn-on. Lawd.) I would give the dude a break too and see what happens.

          Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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          • Yvonne Says:

            I’m not getting what motive Jennifer would have to create a fake profile in order set the guy up somehow. They liked each other and he planned to see her again. Why bother to do that? Seems much less plausible than his contacting someone else who happened to be her friend.

            Like or Dislike: Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

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            • ATWYSingle Says:

              They liked each other and he planned to see her again.

              There’s your motive. She liked him. So much so that she wanted to see if he was communicating with anyone else. This happens all the time.

              Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 2

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    • Eliza Says:

      Actually–something similar happened to me…but a friend and I ended up dating the same guy – at different times – of course, each of us – only went out with this guy (Austin) – just once…that was enough. We eventually became friends at work…and in passing – had a conversation – and it’s a small world I guess. Same guy – from the same site. And we do have similar looks. What truly amazes me is how you would get giddy from just one date? I guess it’s refreshing to feel that way? I am from the motto: “Nothing means anything until it means something” and that takes “Time” to reveal. I personally don’t like taking any litmus test–so I don’t test others either. I just sit back and observe. If they take weeks to get back in touch – obviously – they are “Just Not that Into Me”…and that’s OK, next…don’t need a luke warm level of interest from any man.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

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  3. Yvonne Says:

    I would agree with Bill. Why did he have to cancel plans with Jennifer, when he could have scheduled meeting her friend for another evening? Especially when it was a weekend night with someone he’d never even met before? Given that he appears to be interested in Jennifer and wants to see her again, it does seem a tad flaky and insincere.

    As far as this man contacting Jennifer’s friend, that is hardly a “staggering coincidence”. A good friend of mine and I have also used the same dating site, and we both sometimes compare notes. We are different enough that we don’t often get contacted by the same men, but it has happened on occasion. However, neither one of us has ever had a guy cancel on one of us to go out with the other. When I was even younger, with more of my friends doing online dating, overlaps happened even more often.

    Actually, I think that people on dating sites don’t always have the anonymity that they think they do. With so many people going online, daters are bound to be meeting others who are friends with someone else they’ve contacted or gone out with. For multiple reasons, it always pays to be on your best behavior.

    Well-loved. Like or Dislike: Thumb up 16 Thumb down 1

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    • BostonRobin Says:

      Raising my hand here. This has happened to me so many times! My friend and I compare notes all the time and act as online “wingmen” for each other. Saves us the trouble of meeting trouble.

      Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 11 Thumb down 6

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      • mxf Says:

        Wait, I’m super curious – what do you mean by wingman? All my online dating is a really solitary pursuit, I don’t know any other women (that I know of) using the same site. How can you be saving each other trouble, if you don’t mind me asking?

        Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

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    • Eliza Says:

      Yvonne…It’s also stupid and not a great strategy. But it’s great-he showed how flaky/disinterested he was…saved the OP time. Time to move on.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

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    • Lisa Says:

      He cancelled plans w/ Jennifer bc the “friend” was conveniently available only on that night, thus forcing the guy’s hand to choose btwn them to prove how much he was or was not committed to Jennifer.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

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  4. Snowflake Says:

    She totally set the guy up… and sorry but I just cannot get over this one massive important part.

    ALL of this was after only ONE!!! ONE… DATE!

    So much god dam drama after ONE date?! Honey, I would run for the hills away from you… dating after one date should not be this drama filled.

    I totally agree with everything Moxie said.

    good god… after one date… yeesh..

    Hot debate. What do you think? Thumb up 10 Thumb down 8

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    • Bill Says:

      Setup? Eh, how? I’m not seeing it, but I can be naive. Anyhow…

      To me this is analogous to the classic, “Sorry, I’m sick, cough, cough, and have to cancel our date. Let’s reschedule.” only to be spotted out on the town with someone else. Most of us have experienced that one or know someone who has. Right?

      The person is revealing who they are. A liar who will lie and break commitments to get what they want. Whether it’s after one date or ten, it doesn’t change the fact that the person lacks character and integrity… it’s who they are.

      And, once you know it, you cannot unknow it.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

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  5. Tadpole Says:

    Regardless of whether she set him up or not, the whole thing is a bit ridiculous. It was one date. I know we’ve all had that one date that just went so well that we knew it was going to go somewhere….and it didn’t. Post date highs can be pretty powerful, but given a little time to come off of the excitement and really think about how things went, someone just might see things a bit differently.

    Either way, what it all boils down to is that she either wants to get to know him more and see where it goes or not. It was one date. He doesn’t have to make her a priority. If he felt he would rather try a date with the “friend,” then whatever, they had only been on one date. Not sure why he couldn’t have scheduled that date for a different night, but it is what it is. Why worry over something you can’t change? Would you have preferred him to call and say, “Hey, you know how we’re both dating other people? Well I want to reschedule our date for this week, because I want to go on a date with this other girl and that’s the only night she’s free. I hope you don’t mind.” Ri-ght. Because that would go over real well. Now yeah, it’s kinda low to use his kid as the excuse, but it’s the best he had, because no one will argue that one. We’ve all made excuses to get out of something before. Why is it unfair for him to do that to go on a different date if you’re also seeing other people?

    All of that being said, I’m going to take it for truth and that there really is a “friend.” I think your real concern should be what happens if he goes out with her and wants to continue dating you both? Is your relationship with your friend strong enough to withstand whatever would play out if it came to him having to choose between you two further down the road? Me? I’d avoid that scenario. That’s just bad bad juju.

    Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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    • D. Says:

      I think the real thing to take away from her interactions with this guy is that he’s just…not really that interested. Meanwhile, she seems quite bothered by the fact that he’s going out with other people (never mind the hypocrisy involved), and especially with her friend. She and much of the commentary seem pretty focused on what she wants and how she should pursue things…but the guy has canceled a date with her to go out with someone else.

      I’ll say that again: the guy has canceled a date with her to go out with someone else. A date he planned. A date he later rescinded. Because he found a better option.

      If someone plans a date with you and then cancels it to go out with someone else, I have news for you: they are not interested in you. Or at least, they aren’t interested in developing a relationship with you. Concerns about when/if/how to reveal that she found out he was going out with someone else put the cart before the horse by assuming there will be a relationship down the road to potentially damage with the reveal.

      Based on the guy’s behavior, I don’t think it’s safe to assume there’s a second date down the road, but even if there is, I don’t expect it to turn into a long-term relationship. In my experience and from observing my friends’ experiences, when someone’s prioritizing other people higher than you, it’s never going to get serious — if it continues at all.

      Plenty of people have been on both sides of this transaction, and I would bet that the majority of them would tell you that if anything serious developed, it was with the person they prioritized higher. Even when that higher-prioritized person drops out of the picture, things tend to fizzle with the runner-up because…yeah, they were just never that interested in the first place.

      You know what happens when they are interested? Right. They cancel dates with other people to go out with you. Or they just don’t date anyone else.

      So, I see no reason whatsoever to even entertain “What should I do next?” The decision’s been made already, at least for the long-term prospects. If she wants to casually date the guy, go for it. But she should place him on “Plan-B Status” where she’ll ditch him if she gets a better offer, since that’s pretty much where he’s leaving her. If she can’t do that, then it’s time to pack it in and move on.

      After all, it was only one date.

      Like or Dislike: Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

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  6. Nicki Says:

    If Jennifer set him up then that’s super lame and I don’t have much more to say than that.

    If she didn’t…

    I do believe in random coincidences like this. When one of my friends and I were both actively online dating we would sometimes show each other guys we were meeting up with or those we had met and were excited about getting to know. We trusted each other not to pounce on a guy the other showed us. Here and there we would be messaged by the same guys and think it was no big deal.

    I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this guy saying he was interested in Jennifer and also messaging her friend. It was ONE date. I’ve been interested in someone before and still gone on dates, big deal. Who hasn’t? If I were Jennifer then I would just be a bit peeved that he canceled AND lied. As Moxie said though… He just got caught in the lie or she’d be none-the-wiser. The only time I find someone canceling on the first few dates is if it’s followed with an immediate reschedule. As in, “Hey, I have to stay late at work, can I take you out tomorrow?” Or, “I’m so sorry, I forgot I have to do XYZ but can I make it up to you on Saturday?” If someone just says, “Sorry, but I can’t go.” – Well, I just assume they just aren’t that in to me.

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  7. D. Says:

    Ok, so, there are a couple of things at play here.

    1. First Date Gushing.

    It doesn’t mean anything. I mean, yeah, it can turn into something fantastic, but it more cases than not, it doesn’t. People get caught up in the moment and just…say shit. That doesn’t mean they aren’t actually having a good time. It means that the good time they’re having doesn’t automatically translate to any guarantee of a future with them. People blow really hot and then really cold all the time in dating. So, that effusive “That was an INCREDIBLE date!!! Can’t wait to see you again!” text on Tuesday can just as easily become “Hey, sorry, not seeing a future in this. Good luck!” by Thursday. And you won’t even necessarily know why. So, the trick is to not let yourself get carried away with the gushing. I’m not saying be hostile in response, but rather just don’t take it as a promise of anything in the future. They’re happy. In the moment. And moments pass.

    2. Profile Shenanigans

    I’m not getting into it. The truth of the matter is ultimately immaterial. Whether you lured him with your friend, made up a dummy profile yourself, or it’s all just a wacky coincidence, the truth is you now know for certain he’s dating around. You are too, of course, so your outrage is a bit…misplaced.

    3. Dishonesty in Dating

    So, yeah, everyone dates around or should be assumed to be dating around early on. And no, you shouldn’t take offense at that. However, the guy cancelling at the last second on a date he scheduled himself? That’s just bullshit. I mean, yeah, shit happens, things come up, etc., but to my way of thinking, if you plan a date, you block it out on your schedule and orient things around that. “Sorry, I can’t do XYZ. I have plans that night.” In my experience, if the other person can’t do that, they either just aren’t interested, or they’re a flake. Either way, it doesn’t bode well for the future.

    Which brings me to my next point. Why the hell would you want to date this guy knowing that he bullshitted you once already? What makes him so fantastic that you’d ignore having not merely been lied to, but actually back-burnered in favor of a better prom date? Why would you even be contemplating a future where you have to reveal having found all of this out? Why would this guy hold your interest after that?

    This is a situation where the best course of action is simply to walk the fuck away. No grand, dramatic exit. No confrontation or “Ah HA!” moment, you just…stop replying to his texts or answering his calls and that’s that. Continuing to engage with this guy is foolish and probably driven more by a desire to (A) show him that you “caught” him and “teach him a lesson,” or (B) because of some jealousy thing involving your friend and wanting to be the one the guy ultimately picks of the two of you or just in general.

    There’s no reason to continue this. Also, I can almost guarantee that this guy will lose interest before the whole “but what happens when he meets my friend?! Ooooh, it’s going to be so awkward!” thing is an issue. He’s already shown himself to be disinterested and willing to lie to you to go date someone else. You think he’s gonna somehow wake up and say “Wait. I want to be her boyfriend now”? And if he did, would you really want him anyway?

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  8. DrivingMeNutes Says:

    There are ugly truths about humanity that polite social conventions normally conceal. Like snooping, these situations don’t cause the ugliness and truth, they just expose it. And deliberately creating those situations is just an invitation to have it all rubbed into your face.

    But, this bears repeating. All is fair in love and war.

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  9. maria Says:

    Like D said, why do you really want him? I do also agree that there might be something competitive going on with your friend…

    but anyway I wouldn’t want to date anybody who would cancel a second date on me for another date–I suppose people cancel and reschedule dates all the time and we never really know the truth as to why but you do know the truth, but you still want to “get” him which I don’t understand why. Hate to break it to you but I don’t see a future with you and this guy. When I like someone I’d NEVER cancel a second date with them especially not a second date. I wouldn’t even stress about this and move on.

    also don’t put so much stock in things people say. dating is tricky. I have told a guy that I had a great time and wanted to do it again but…changed my mind or got swept up in a moment. not to say it doesn’t suck when a guy expresses interest and then ignores you. it sucks a lot but…its human, its an unfortunate part of dating.

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  10. Sarah Says:

    “that I exceeded all of his expectations” What a spectacularly self-centered thing to say.

    “the fact that he professed such a strong interest in me after our first date, then quickly turned around to go out with my friend (who is very similar to me) makes him seem insincere” No. He IS insincere.

    I’m also not getting how you “just happened” to realize you and your friend were talking to the same guy online. I mean, I guess it’s possible, but it’s far less likely than the Catfish explanation. However, I really REALLY hope your version of events is true — so your friend can cancel her date by saying she has to take her daughter trick-or-treating.

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  11. zcwlgc Says:

    “This is the crucial point. The only plausible exception I can see is if a couple women were browsing the site together just for yucks.”

    Exactly, D-man- we joined for the heck of it with low expectations during a slow period at work- no one is “distributing profiles” to any gal gaggles- we’re just a couple of friends doing the same thing together at the same time. Fortunately, my friends aren’t back stabbing sneaks so we didn’t feel the need to be secretive.

    One never wants to think they’re a sucker, but possessing such a strong streak of cynicism can’t possibly bring one much happiness either. Moxie, you don’t think most people are distrustful and dishonest, do you? That’s how your response here came across to me.

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    • ATWYSingle Says:

      Moxie, you don’t think most people are distrustful and dishonest, do you?

      You must be new here.

      You two were obviously showing each other the profiles of men you meet. How else would you have known you were both communicating with the same guy? You’re writing it off as a coincidence when it’s not. Like DMN said, you deliberately created the situation by viewing the profiles.

      You’re also, I believe, totally downplaying your participation in it. If you knew he was talking to your friend, how did it get to a point where you were declining something? What’s to decline?

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      • Bill Says:

        Moxie, I think you are intuiting that the reason the guy might have noticed the friend in the first place was because the OP mentioned the first date and the friend looked him up on the dating site. The guy saw the “view” of his profile and started up the conversation that led to the date.

        That is a good point, if you are OLD’ing as a team sport (i.e. group of friends), don’t view your friend’s dates from your profile… and if you do, don’t carry on a convo if the guy then contacts you… that’s gotta be a Girl Code violation.

        Maybe that’s how it initial situation occurred, maybe it’s not. Two women close in age, appearance and location, it’s not a stretch that the guy contacted both of them on his own.

        I’ve only been OLD’ing for 6-7 months and I’ve come across friends on same site, several times. One time it was three friends, a couple other times is was a “pair” of friends. How did I know? In all of those situations each woman had a group photo or two with their friend(s) in their profile. Pretty helpful information, actually.

        And, I’m sure there are many more “friends” on the sites who aren’t so readily transparent. Even before this post came up, I had the feeling that women tend to commonly do this, somewhat like accompanying each other to restroom. Lol!

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  12. Hailey Says:

    Doesn’t anyone find it a bit jerky that her “friend” (if she is real) decided to talk with, and set up a date with someone she knew her friend went out with that she was excited about? If I were her, I’d be looking for a new friend.

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    • Bill Says:

      Well, it depends on the circumstances. One of those what she knew when things.

      If she already knew it was the guy her friend went out with, then yeah… and not a little jerky, a lot jerky.

      On the other hand, if she didn’t know who the guy was until they started comparing notes on their Saturday night plans, then completely innocent. The fact that the OP’s friend is itching to ef the guy over as much as possible leads me to believe this is the case, and not a case of her intentionally trying to poach.

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